Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994)

[bunniefuu]

– Come here.

– What?

– Morning.

– Morning, madam.

Thank you.

Late!

Late!

Morning, darling.

Oh, f*ck!

f*ck!

f*ck!

f*ck!

– f*ck.

Right, we take yours.

– It only goes 40 miles an hour.

– What turn-off?

– Oh… – Better not be the B359.

– It's the B359.

f*ck it!

f*ck!

f*ck.

Come on.

f*ck.

f*ck.

f*ckity f*ck!

Bugger.

It isn't twisted?

Hello, Charles.

There's a sort of greatness to your lateness.

Thanks.

It's not achieved without real suffering.

I am so sorry.

I'll k*ll myself after the service, if that's any consolation.

– Doesn't matter.

Tom was standing by.

– Thanks, Tom.

You're a saint.

Disastrous haircut.

– You haven't forgotten the rings?

– No.

Hate people being late.

Hate it.

Here we go.

Oh, isn't she lovely!

Scarlett, you're blind.

She looks like a big meringue.

Dear friends, what a joy it is to welcome you to our church on this wonderful day for Angus and Laura.

Before we start the service, let us all join together in the first hymn.

Scarlett.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together here in the sight of God and in the face of this congregation to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is an honourable estate, instituted in the time of man's innocence.

– Back in a sec.

– If any man can show any just cause or impediment why they may not be lawfully joined together, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honour and keep her, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keep thee only unto her, – for as long as ye both shall live?

– I do.

– To love and to cherish… – Till death us do part.

– …till death us do part.

– And thereto I pledge thee my troth.

And thereto I pledge thee my troth.

Do you have the ring?

With this ring, I thee wed.

With this ring, I thee wed.

With my body, I thee worship.

With my body, I thee worship.

And with all my worldly goods I do thee endow.

And with all my worldly goods I thee endow.

«If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am become as sounding brass, or a clanging cymbal.» Good point.

– Great hat.

– Thanks.

I bought it specially.

There.

Right.

Get in position, please.

Thank you.

Smile.

Splendid, I thought.

What did you think?

I thought splendid.

What did you think?

Splendid, I thought.

Scarlotta, fabulous dress!

The ecclesiastical purple and the pagan orange symbolising the symbiosis in marriage between heathen and Christian tradition?

That's right.

Lovely.

And again.

Any idea who the girl in the black hat is?

– Name's Carrie.

– She's pretty.

– American.

– Interesting.

– Slut.

– Really?

Used to work at Vogue.

Lives in America now.

Only goes out with very glamorous people.

Quite out of your league.

Well, that's a relief.

Thanks.

– See you there.

– Off you go.

Right.

Reception.

Bye!

Anyone else tread in a cowpat?

No, thought not.

See you in a mo.

Do you think I'd hate him as much if he wasn't my brother?

Don't want to blow my chances for romance by smelling of dung.

I never know what to say in these wretched line-ups.

It's a cinch.

Just give a big, warm hug and say the bride looks pregnant.

Or stay with tradition and go «You must be very proud.

» Heaven preserve us.

– You must be very proud.

– Indeed.

– Hello.

– Hello.

Hello.

Hi.

We've met.

It's Richard Maples.

Bastard.

Hello, Bern.

Two, please.

– You have fun.

– Take care.

– Hello.

– Hi.

– Do you want one of these?

– Thank you.

Hello, Charles.

Hello, dear John.

How are you?

How are you?

– Good.

This is… – Carrie.

– Delighted.

I'm John.

– Hi, John.

How's your gorgeous girlfriend?

– She's no longer my girlfriend.

– Ah, dear.

I wouldn't get gloomy, rumour has it she never stopped bonking Toby de Lisle.

She is now my wife.

– Excellent.

Congratulations.

– Excuse me.

Any kids or anything, John?

Do we hear the patter of tiny… feet?

No.

Well, there's plenty of time for that, isn't there?

No hurry.

Hi.

How are you?

– My name's Fiona.

– I'm Gerald.

What do you do?

– I'm training to be a priest.

– Good Lord!

– Do you do weddings?

– No, not yet.

I will, of course.

Jolly nerve-racking.

Yes, rather like the first time one has sex.

Well, I suppose so.

Rather less messy, of course, and far less call for condoms.

Who's that boy over there in the grey?

His name's David.

– Something of a dish, isn't he?

– Well, I've always thought so.

– Why are they… – The dish can't hear.

Oh.

Gosh.

Yeah, silent but deadly attractive.

Bang, bang, bang.

That's it.

Into the marquee, please.

Dinner is served.

– How do you do?

– Hello.

Tom.

Splendid to meet you.

Very exciting.

Hi.

My name's Scarlett.

Don't let me drink too much 'cause I'll get really flirty.

How do you do?

My name's Charles.

Don't be ridiculous.

Charles died 20 years ago.

Must be a different Charles.

Are you telling me I don't know my own brother?

No.

Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to drag you from your desserts.

There are just one or two little things I feel I should say, as best man.

This is only the second time I've been a best man.

I hope I did the job right that time.

The couple in question are at least still talking to me.

Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other.

The divorce came through a couple of months ago.

But I'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me.

Apparently, Paula knew Piers had slept with her sister before I mentioned it in the speech.

The fact that he'd slept with her mother came as a surprise, but… I think was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination and v*olence that became their two-day marriage.

Anyway, enough of that.

My job today is to talk about Angus.

There are no skeletons in his cupboard.

Or so I thought.

I'll come on to that in a minute.

I would just like to say this.

I am, as ever, in bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment that Angus and Laura have made today.

I know I couldn't do it and… …I think it's wonderful they can.

So, back to Angus and those sheep.

So, ladies and gentlemen, if you'd raise your glasses, the adorable couple.

The adorable couple!

The adorable couple!

I remember the first time I saw Gareth dancing.

I feared lives would be lost.

She's a pretty girl… the one you can't take your eyes off.

Is it love at first sight?

Good Lord, no!

It's the bloke she's dancing with.

We played rugby at school.

I'm trying to remember what position he played.

Though, let's say, for the sake of argument, one did take a fancy to someone at a wedding.

Do you think there are people who can say «Hi, babe.

My name's Charles.

This is your lucky night»?

– If there are, they're not English.

– Quite.

Three weeks is about my question-popping minimum.

You know I love you, Jean, don't you?

I love you.

I love you.

And, Mike, I've never met you before, but I love you very much.

I really do.

Ignore her.

She's drunk.

At least I hope she is.

Otherwise, I'm in real trouble.

– How's it going, Lyds?

– Bloody awful.

Oh, dear!

What's the prob?

I was promised sex.

Everybody said it.

«You be a bridesmaid, you'll get sex.

You'll be fighting them off.» But not so much as a tongue in sight.

Well, I mean, if you fancy anything, – I could always… – Don't be ridiculous, Bernard.

– I'm not that desperate.

– No, right.

Of course.

Fair enough.

It's a good point.

Bye!

Have a lovely time!

Bye!

Where are you staying tonight, Charles?

Scarlett and I are at some pub.

The Lucky Boat, something like that.

– Aren't we all?

– No.

Slight change of plan.

The others are coming back to my place.

Nansy's in residence.

Might knock up a plate of eggs and bake over a late-night Scrabble.

– I wondered if you'd like to join.

– Yeah!

Thanks very much.

– Is there room for Scarlett?

– Absolutely.

137 rooms, actually.

Right.

Tommy, are you the richest man in England?

Oh, no.

No.

I believe we're about seventh.

The Queen, obviously.

And that Branson bloke's doing terribly well.

Well, excellent news.

– I'll go and tell Scarlett.

– Yeah.

That's unless you get lucky first.

Hi.

Hi.

I thought you'd gone.

No, not yet.

I was just wondering where you were staying tonight.

Well… I was staying at some pub called The Lucky… – …the Boat or something like that.

– Boatman.

Right, but now I'm going to stay at some friend's house with some friends.

I think «enormous castle» is a more accurate description.

That's too bad, because I'm at The Boatman.

Oh.

Well, it was nice not quite meeting you.

– It was a great speech.

– Thanks.

Well, I'm going now.

No!

No, no.

Don't go.

We can meet now.

The evening's just getting going.

I think we both know that's a big lie.

f*ck.

The castle beckons, Tom.

Are you sober?

Absolutely.

Orange juice all night.

Come on.

– Bye, everybody!

– All together now.

Bernard!

Tom, can you stop the car?

Stop the car.

Sorry.

I just think I might stay in that pub after all.

Why on earth?

No.

I'm doing research into pubs with the word «boat» in the title.

I hope to produce a definitive work.

– Oh, well.

Please yourself.

– It's a silly thing.

Right.

Odd decision.

– Hello.

– Hi.

Hi.

In the end there wasn't room for all of us.

– You said it was a castle.

– Yes, it is a castle.

It's just a very, very small one.

Tiny, in fact.

Just one up, one down, which is rare.

– Drink, sir?

– Yeah.

I'd like a glass of whisky, please.

Thanks.

– Do you want… – Yeah, sounds good.

– Another for the lady.

– Doubles, sir?

Thanks.

– You here, too?

How are you?

– Hello.

I'm fine.

– Haven't seen Carrie, have you?

– Who?

Carrie.

American girl.

Lovely legs.

Wedding guest.

Nice smell.

No.

Sorry.

Damn!

Blast!

I think I was in there.

If you see her, could you tell her I've gone to my room?

– Yeah.

– Your whisky, sir.

– Thank you.

– And one for the… – Road.

Lovely.

– I think I might have one of those.

– Do you mind if I join you?

– No.

It'd be lovely.

Another glass of whisky and a cigar.

Hold on.

Make that a bottle.

We might as well settle in.

Let's see if we can push on till dawn.

– Lovely wedding.

– Yes.

I was at school with his brother Bufty.

Tremendous bloke.

He was head of my house.

Buggered me senseless.

Still, it taught me about life.

– Where do you know him from?

– University.

Splendid.

Splendid.

I didn't go myself.

I couldn't see the point.

When you work in the money markets, what use is Wordsworth?

Excuse me, sir.

Your wife says could you come upstairs at once?

Room 12 in case you're so drunk you can't remember.

– My wife?

– Yes, sir.

My wife!

God!

You are drunk if you can't remember you've got a wife.

Yeah.

– Do you mind if I… – No, no.

Off you go.

– Best of luck.

– Thanks.

Lucky bachelor, me.

I'll have a search for that Katie creature.

– Carrie.

– That's the one.

Damn fine filly.

I think I'm in there.

– Hi.

– Hello.

– Sorry about that.

– That's fine.

He's hard to get rid of.

Yeah.

So… Maybe we could just skulk around here for a bit and then go back down.

That's a thought.

I don't usually skulk, but I suppose I could skulk if skulking were required.

– Do you skulk regularly?

– No.

No, I don't normally think of myself as a skulker but… Well, why don't you come in and skulk for a while and we'll see?

I noticed the bride and groom didn't kiss in the church, which is kind of strange.

Where I come from, kissing is very big.

Is it?

Well, I think you're right.

We are probably more reserved.

«You may kiss the bride» isn't in the Book of Common Prayer.

I always worry I'll go too far in the heat of the moment.

– How far do you think too far would be?

– I don't know.

Maybe… …that would be all right.

– I think that would be fine.

– In fact, it might be a bit dismissive.

Maybe this… …might be better.

Yeah, I think it would be dangerous to take it any further.

I mean… That might be taking it a little far.

What about this?

Do you think the vicar would think things had slipped a little out of his control?

I think he might.

This kind of thing is really better suited to the honeymoon than to the service itself.

Why do you think it's called a «honeymoon?

» I don't know.

I suppose it's «honey» 'cause it's sweet as honey and «moon» because it was the first time a husband got to see his wife's bottom.

What's happening?

I have to go.

– Where?

– America.

That is a tragedy.

Just before I go, when were you thinking of announcing the engagement?

Sorry.

Whose engagement?

Ours.

I assumed since we slept together, we'd be getting married.

What did you think?

I… Gosh, you know, that's… …takes a lot of thinking about, that kind of thing.

Obviously, I'm… I… You're joking.

God!

For a moment there I thought I was in Fatal Attraction.

I thought you were Glenn Close and I was gonna find my pet rabbit on the stove.

No.

But I think we both missed a great opportunity here.

Bye.

Oh, f*ck!

f*ck!

– f*ckity f*ck!

– f*ck!

– Car or taxi?

– Taxi.

We could never park.

Car seems a good idea.

f*ck!

Leave it.

No one will notice.

Sorry I'm late.

Traffic.

Yeah.

Who is it today?

One more, please.

In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

Let us pray.

Father, you have made the bond of marriage a holy mystery, a symbol of Christ's love for his church.

Hear our prayers for Bernard and Lydia through your Son, Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Goat… Ghost.

One God, forever and ever.

Amen.

It's his first time.

He's a friend of the family.

Excellent.

Bernard and Lydia, I shall now ask if you freely undertake the obligations of marriage.

Bernard, repeat after me.

– I do solemnly declare… – I do solemnly declare… …that I know not of any lawful impediment… …that I know not of any lawful impediment… …why I, Lydia… …why I, Bernard… Sorry.

Why I, Bernard Godfrey Saint John Delaney… …why I, Bernard Geoffrey Sinjeon Delaney… …may not be joined in matrimony to Lydia John Hibbott.

…may not be joined in matrimony to Lydia Jane Hibbott.

Lydia, repeat after me.

I do solemnly declare… I do solemnly declare… …that I know not of any lawful impediment… …that I know not of any lawful impediment… why I, Lydia Jane Hibbott… …why I, Lydia Jane Hibbott… – …may not be johned in matrimony… – …may not be joined in matrimony… …to Bernard Geoffrey… Sij… Sij… Delaney.

…to Bernard Geoffrey Sinjeon Delaney.

I call upon those persons here present to witness… I call upon those persons here present to witness… …that I, Bernard… …Delaney… …that I, Bernard Delaney… …do take thee, Lydia Jane Hibbott… …do take thee, Lydia Jane Hibbott… …to be my awful wedded wife.

…to be my lawful wedded wife.

That's right.

May Almighty God bless you all.

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spigot… Spirit.

– Amen.

– Bravo!

Thanks.

Coming, Bernie!

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

– That way?

– Yes, of course.

Sorry.

Could you two… Sorry.

Sorry!

I've got a new theory about marriage.

Two people are in love, live together, and suddenly one day they run out of conversation.

Totally.

They can't think of a single thing to say to each other.

That's it.

Panic.

Then suddenly, it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the deadlock.

– Which is?

– He'll ask her to marry him.

Brilliant!

Suddenly, they've got something to talk about for the rest of their lives.

You're saying marriage is a way out of embarrassing pauses in conversation.

The definitive icebreaker.

Tom!

How's the speech coming along?

It's pretty good, I think.

Something for everyone.

Tears, laughter… – Excellent.

– It's a very good theory, Gareth.

Another argument is, of course, that it has something to do with true love.

Well, there's a thought.

– Can I help you, sir?

– Three glasses of brandy, please?

Hi.

– Hello!

– How are you?

Fine!

Yeah.

Sorry.

I'm overwhelmed to see you.

Look, don't go back to America.

Please.

I'll be back in two secs, OK?

OK.

Hi, Fi.

That's yours, yours.

See you in five hours.

– Something happened?

– It has.

This is a great wedding.

Hi.

Well, you look perfect.

In fact, you probably are perfect.

How are you?

I'm really well.

Charles, I'd like you to meet Hamish, my fiancé.

Excellent.

How do you do, Hamish?

Delighted to meet you.

Charming surprise to find Carrie back.

Yes, well, took a lot of persuading, I can tell you.

I told James I was going to get you.

He'll think I've totally lost control of you already.

I'll see you later.

How are you doing, Charles?

Not great, actually, suddenly.

I don't know… I mean… …what's going on?

Why am I always at weddings and never actually getting married, Matt?

It's probably because you're a bit scruffy.

Or it could also be 'cause you haven't met the right girl.

But you see, is that it?

Maybe I have met the right girls.

Maybe I meet the right girls all the time.

– Maybe it's me.

– Nonsense.

My lords, ladies, and gentlemen, dinner is served.

Come on.

Odds on, you meet your wife at dinner.

Yes.

Oh, my God!

Charles?

– Hi.

– Hello.

I'm Alistair.

– Great.

– I believe you know Veronica.

Yeah.

Hi, Vee.

Hi.

Nicki.

Great.

– Tell me, are you married?

– No.

– Are you a lesbian?

– Good Lord!

What made you say that?

It's one of the possibilities for unmarried girls.

It is a bit more interesting than saying «just never found the right chap.

» Quite right.

Why be dull?

Thank you.

The truth is, I have met the right person, only he's not in love with me.

And until I stop loving him no one else stands a chance.

– Bad luck.

– Yes, isn't it?

I was a lesbian once at school, but only for 15 minutes.

I don't think it counts.

There are 400 different kinds of tea, and that's not including all these so-called fruit teas.

I took Veronica out to India at Christmas to look at the plantations.

– You and her went there once.

– That's right.

Charles was vile.

He insisted on cracking jokes all the time I was ill.

– Trying to cheer you up.

– You're that Veronica!

Which Veronica?

Charlie?

– Remember Bombay?

– When Charles and I were going out, he told me he'd had this interesting journey round India with Vomiting Veronica.

I think that was it.

I don't remember ever mentioning it.

Maybe I did.

Come on, Charles.

I don't think I've ever been out with anyone less discreet.

That's a bit of an exaggeration, isn't it?

It is not.

I remember you going on about this girl, Helena, was it?

– Whose mother made a pass at you.

– I remember this.

You couldn't work out whether it would be impolite not to accept her advances.

Mrs Piggy.

Helena was Miss Piggy, so her mother was Mrs Piggy!

I think perhaps it was a… We've both lost a lot of weight since then.

Great!

The speeches.

My lords, ladies, and gentlemen, pray silence for the best man.

When Bernard told me he was getting engaged to Lydia, I congratulated him because all his other girlfriends have been such complete dogs.

Although may I say how delighted we are to have many of them here this evening.

I'm particularly delighted to see Camilla, who many of you will remember as the first person Bernard asked to marry him.

If I remember rightly, she told him to sod off.

And lucky for Lydia that she did.

It's very disappointing.

We had the most adorable girl at our table called Carrie.

Apparently her fiancé's awfully grand and he owns half of Scotland.

– How are you?

– I'm stuck in the wedding from hell.

Ghosts of girlfriends past at every turn.

Next, I'll bump into Henrietta and the horror will be complete.

Hello, Charles.

Hello, Hen.

How are you?

– Hen… – Why can't you leave her alone?

Haven't you hurt her enough?

Excuse me.

I think I'd better be where other people are not.

Hello.

Oh, yes.

Taxi!

Good night, sir.

It's all right.

Oh, God!

This is wonderful.

Wait a minute.

This is no fun.

I want to see my lovely husband.

Who's a very bad bridegroom indeed?

– Have you got a boyfriend?

– Yes.

– What's his name?

– Dolph.

He's good at table tennis.

– What about you?

– No.

Afraid not.

Why not?

Don't know.

Because most of the blokes I fancy think I'm stupid and pointless, so they just bonk me and then leave me, and the kind of blokes that do fancy me, I think are drips.

I can't be bothered to bonk them, which does sort of leave me a bit nowhere.

What's bonking?

Well, it's kind of like table tennis, only with slightly smaller balls.

I love my wife!

And I love my husband!

Do you think we'd better get back?

We could just wait a few minutes and have another go.

You naughty… …naughty little rabbit!

Found it.

Charles!

Charles, we must talk.

Right.

The thing is, Charlie, I've spoken to lots of people about you.

Everybody agrees you're in real trouble, Charles.

Am I?

You're turning into a kind of serial monogamist.

One girlfriend after another, yet never love anyone and never let them near you.

On the contrary… You're affectionate to them and sweet to them.

Even to me, although you thought I was an idiot.

– I did not.

– You did.

I thought U2 was a type of submarine.

In a way, you were right.

Their music has a naval quality.

Be serious, Charles.

You must give people a chance.

Don't have to think «I must get married,» but you mustn't start every relationship thinking «I mustn't get married.

» Most of the time I don't think at all.

I just potter along.

Charlie!

Oh, God!

The way you used to look at me!

I just misread it, that's all.

I thought you were going to propose and you were just working out how to leave.

– No, I wasn't.

– Oh, God, this is ridiculous.

– Hen…Hen… – No, no.

Having a good night?

Yes.

It's right up there with my father's funeral for sheer entertainment value.

– I thought you'd gone.

– No.

Hamish took the Edinburgh sleeper.

I'm off now.

Keep me company?

Here, please.

You want to come up for a nightcap?

– You sure?

– Well, yes.

I think we can risk it.

I'm pretty sure I can resist you.

You're not that cute.

Sorry.

Yeah, great.

Morning, Charles.

Breakfast's up.

– Well, it's a bit burned.

– Excellent.

What are you up to today?

Oh, yeah.

I'm taking advantage of the fact that, for the first time in my entire life, it's Saturday and I don't have a wedding to go to.

All I have to do is not be late for David.

I was going to go for a job.

This new shop called Spank wants a sales assistant.

I think I'd be great.

– They sell all this funny rubber stuff.

– Oh, no.

Another wedding invitation, and a list.

Lovely!

They say rubber's mainly for perverts.

Don't know why.

It's very practical, actually.

You spill anything on it and it just comes off.

Guess that could be why the perverts like it.

You all right?

Yeah.

It's that girl… Carrie.

You remember, the… the American.

Excuse me.

Sorry to interrupt.

Do you have the wedding list for Banks?

Certainly, sir.

Lots of beautiful things for around about the £1,000 mark.

What about things around the sort of £50 mark?

Is there much?

Well, you could get that Pygmy warrior over there.

This?

Excellent!

If you could find someone to chip in the other 3,950.

Or our carrier bags are £1.50 each.

Why don't you just get 33 of them?

Well, I think I'll probably leave it.

Thanks very much.

You've been very… – What did you get?

– Blimey!

Well, I never!

Nothing yet.

I'm just, you know, deciding.

– It's nice to see you.

– It's nice to see you.

This present thing is great.

I should've gotten married years ago.

– Anybody go for the Pygmy?

– The young man was thinking about it.

No!

Just get me an ashtray.

Are you free for about a half-hour?

Yeah.

I'm supposed to meet my brother, but I can be a bit late.

Oh, good.

Come with me.

You have an important decision to make.

Now, the crucial thing is you mustn't laugh.

OK.

Right.

What do you think?

– Divine.

– Bit of a meringue?

Oh, don't worry.

We've only just begun.

What do you think?

– You're kidding.

– But it would be wonderful.

Maybe next time.

What do you think?

I knew it.

It'd be great for looking after sheep.

Don't be rude.

It's a bit sexy, this.

Well… If I were your husband, I would die of pride.

You may be right.

It is dangerous.

There's nothing more off-putting at a wedding than a priest with an erection.

One thing is thinking you'll never sleep with anyone else.

– You don't think you'll be unfaithful?

– No.

Not once I'm married.

I told Hamish I'll k*ll him if he does, so I'd better stick to that.

Quite right.

Anyway, I reckon I've had my fair run at it.

What is a fair run these days, down your way?

I don't know.

More than one.

Well, come on.

Tell me.

I've seen the dress.

We have no secrets.

Well… The first one… …of course, not easily forgotten, was kind of nice.

Two… hairy back.

Three, four, five… Six was on my birthday in my parents' room.

– Which birthday?

– Seventeenth.

We've only reached 17?

I grew up in the country.

Lots of rolling around in haystacks.

OK.

Seven… Eight, unfortunately, was quite a shock.

Nine, against a fence.

Very uncomfortable.

Don't try it.

– I won't.

– Ten was gorgeous.

Just heaven, just… He was wonderful.

I hate him.

11, obviously, after ten, disappointing.

Twelve through 17, university years.

Sensitive, caring, intelligent boys.

Sexually speaking, a real low patch.

Eighteen broke my heart.

Years of yearning.

– I'm sorry.

– Twenty, oh, my God!

I can't believe I've reached 20.

Twenty-one, elephant tongue.

Twenty-two kept falling asleep.

– That was my first year in England.

– I do apologise.

23, 24 were together.

That was something.

– Seriously?

– Twenty-seven, that was a mistake.

– Suddenly at 27 you make a mistake?

– Yes, he kept screaming.

Very off-putting.

I nearly gave up on the whole thing.

But Spencer changed my mind.

That's 28.

– His father, 29.

– With his father?

Thirty… Thirty-one, oh, my God.

Thirty-two was lovely.

And then my fiancé, that's 33.

Wow!

So I came after your fiancé?

No, you were 32.

So there you go.

Less than Madonna, more than Princess Di, I hope.

How about you?

How many have you slept with?

Christ!

Nothing like that many.

I don't know… I don't know what the f*ck I've been doing with my time, actually.

Work, probably.

Yeah, work.

I have been working late a lot.

I wish I'd rung you.

But then you never rang me.

You ruthlessly slept with me twice and never rang me.

Oh, bollocks!

Help me, please!

Please!

Carrie, this is David, my brother.

Hi.

I was just telling him about you marrying Hamish, and he said it couldn't have happened to a nicer fellow.

– Where are you doing it?

– Scotland.

He says that's a beautiful place.

Hilly.

You come to the wedding, too.

I want many friends to make up for the gruesome stiffs that Hamish knows.

Well, you'd better go in.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

f*ck it!

Look.

Sorry, sorry.

I just… well… This is a really stupid question, particularly in view of our shopping excursion, but I just wondered if by any chance… Obviously not.

I'm some git who's only slept with nine people.

But I… I just wondered… I really feel… In short, to recap in a slightly clearer version, in the words of David Cassidy, while still with the Partridge Family, «I think I love you.

» And… …I just wondered whether by any chance you wouldn't like to… No.

No, of course not.

I'm an idiot.

He's not.

Excellent.

Fantastic.

Lovely to see you.

Sorry to disturb.

Better get on.

– f*ck!

– That was very romantic.

Well, I thought it over a lot, you know.

I wanted to get it just right.

Important to have said it, I think.

Said what, exactly?

Said… …you know, what I just said about David Cassidy.

You're lovely.

It was ordained for lifelong faithful relationships and conjugal love.

It was ordained for the welfare of human society, which can be strong and happy only when the marriage bond is held in honour.

Into this holy estate these two persons now desire to enter.

Wherefore, if anyone can show any just cause why they may not lawfully be joined together in marriage, let him now declare it.

Sorry.

Please rise.

Do you, Hamish, take this woman Caroline to be your wedded wife and do you, in the presence of God and before this congregation, promise and covenant to be to her a loving and faithful husband until God shall separate you by death?

I do.

Do you, Caroline, take this man Hamish to be your wedded husband and do you, in the presence of God and before this congregation, promise and covenant to be to him a loving and faithful wife – until God shall separate you by death?

– I do.

f*ck-a-doodle-doo.

– How awfully nice to meet you.

– Nice to meet you.

Hello.

You look beautiful.

Not a meringue in sight.

Thanks.

Blimey!

It's Brigadoon!

It's bloody Brigadoon!

Dear old things, as you know, I've always been proud that there's not a wedding ring between the lot of us.

Over the passing of the years, it's suddenly beginning to distress me.

I'd like to go to the wedding of someone I really loved for a change.

Don't blame me.

I've asked practically everyone I know.

– You haven't asked me.

– Haven't I?

Oh, Scarlett… Would you like to?

No, thank you.

It was very nice of you to ask.

– Well… any time.

– Quite right, Tom, quite right.

That's the spirit.

Tonight, these are your orders.

Go forth and conjugate.

Find husbands and wives.

Excellent.

What do you think?

Spot a potential hubby in the throng?

– Bugger off, Tom.

– Quite right.

A toast before we go into battle.

True love.

In whatever shape or form it may come.

May we all in our dotage be proud to say «I was adored once, too.

» – True love.

– True love!

Apparently, an enormous number of people actually bump into their future spouses at weddings, which is interesting.

Yes, I met my husband at a wedding.

Good Lord, I seem to have finished my drink.

Excuse me.

Hello.

My name's Scarlett.

Named after Scarlett O'Hara, but much less trouble.

– What's your name?

– My name's Rhett.

– No.

Not really?

– No, not really.

– In fact, it's Chester.

– You kidder!

I always imagine Americans are gonna be dull as shit.

Of course you're not, are you?

– Steve Martin's American, isn't he?

– Yes, he is.

You're lovely.

– Hello, Charles.

– Oh, Hen.

Hi.

Look, I couldn't really bear a scene today.

I know we've probably got tons to talk about… Did I behave that atrociously last time?

– Remember the shower scene in Psycho?

– Yeah.

Scarier.

– God, I'm depressed, Hen!

How are you?

– I'm cheerful.

I weigh almost nothing and I've got a divine new boyfriend.

– Perhaps we should've got married.

– Good God no!

I'd have had to marry your friends, and I'm not sure I could take Fiona.

– Fiona loves you.

– Fiona calls me «Duckface.

» Well, I never heard that.

Look, darling, come to lunch soon.

Give me a ring.

Oh!

Still cute.

– How's Duckface?

– Good form, actually.

Not too mad.

Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom!

You like this girl, don't you?

Yes.

Yes, it's… It's a strange thing when at last it happens.

And she's marrying someone else.

How about you, Fifi?

Have you identified a future partner for life yet?

No need, really.

The deed is done.

I've been in love with the same bloke for ages.

Have you?

Who's that?

You, Charlie.

It's always been you.

Since first we met so many years ago.

I knew the first moment.

Across a crowded room.

A lawn, in fact.

Doesn't matter.

Nothing either of us can do on this one.

Such is life.

Friends isn't bad, you know.

Friends is quite something.

Oh, Fi… – It's not all easy, is it?

– No.

Just forget this business.

Not to be.

Matthew, darling.

Where's Gareth?

Torturing Americans.

How thoughtful of him.

Do you actually know Oscar Wilde?

Not personally, no.

But I do know someone who could get his fax number for you.

Shall we dance?

Well?

Any rings on fingers?

Gareth, you don't know how lucky you are.

Finding someone to marry is a tricky business.

It's hell out there.

Matthew's trapped with an evangelist from Minnesota.

Sweet Jesus, cast out the devil!

My lords, ladies, and gentlemen, please charge your glasses.

First, and rather unusually, we have the bride.

Excellent.

I love this girl.

Thank you.

First, I'd like to thank you who've flown in from the States.

I'm really touched.

As for the rest of you, I thought that lots of frightful Americans flying in was a perfect excuse for staying away.

So I thank you, too.

If my darling dad had been here today, he would have been speaking now, and I know what he would have said.

«Great dress, but why in the hell are you marrying the stiff in the skirt?» And I would have given him the same answer that I give you.

«Because I love him.» As John Lennon said, who died the same year as my dad, «Love is the answer, and you know that for sure.» Oh and one more thing.

Someone told me here that, if things with Hamish didn't work out, he would step in.

I just wanted to say thanks, I'll keep you posted.

– Bravo!

– Now, my lords, ladies, and gentlemen, Sir Hamish Banks.

Anyone involved in politics for the last 20 years has got used to being upstaged by a woman.

I didn't expect it to happen to me on my wedding day.

However, I must also say that I'm quite happy to be upstaged by this woman for the rest of my life.

Is that some barracking at the back?

Something we politicians are used to.

– Shit!

Find a doctor!

– Right.

OK.

I want to extend my compliments to the bridesmaids.

You did your duties superbly.

And obviously I intend to use you every time I get married from now on.

And also, I want to thank all those wonderful ladies of the parish who did the flowers in the church.

The stern old building took on a look of flushed youth today.

I remember the first time I laid eyes on Caroline.

I thought to myself «If by any chance she's short-sighted, I might just be happy for the rest of my life.

» I thought I could see my future for the first time.

It was a joyful one, for years and years to come.

Good morning, and a warm welcome to you all on this cold day.

Our service will begin in a few minutes.

But first we have asked Matthew, Gareth's closest friend, to say a few words.

Gareth used to prefer funerals to weddings.

He said it was easier to get enthusiastic about a ceremony one had an outside chance of eventually being involved in.

In order to prepare this speech, I rang a few people to get a general picture of how Gareth was regarded by those who met him.

«Fat» seems to have been a word people most connected with him.

«Terribly rude» also rang a lot of bells.

So «very fat» and «very rude» seems to have been the stranger's viewpoint.

Some of you have been kind enough to ring me and let me know you loved him, which I know he would have been thrilled to hear.

You remember his fabulous hospitality, his strange experimental cooking.

The recipe for duck a la banana fortunately goes with him to his grave.

Most of all, you tell me of his enormous capacity for joy.

And, when joyful… …when joyful for highly vocal drunkenness.

I hope joyful is how you will remember him.

Not stuck in a box in a church.

Pick your favourite of his waistcoats and remember him that way.

The most splendid, replete, big-hearted, weak-hearted, as it turned out, and jolly bugger most of us ever met.

As for me, you may ask how I will remember him.

What I thought of him.

Unfortunately, there I run out of words.

Forgive me if I turn from my own feelings to the words of another splendid bugger, WH Auden.

This is actually what I want to say.

«Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum, Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let the aeroplanes circle moaning overhead, Scribbling on the sky the message 'He Is Dead'.

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song, I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now, Put out every one, Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun, Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood, For nothing now can ever come to any good.

» It was good of you to come.

Must have been the shortest honeymoon in history.

No, it's fine.

We'll do it some other time.

– That thing you said in the street… – Yes, I'm sorry about that.

No, I liked it.

I liked you saying it.

Charlie, I'll take Scarlett home, all right?

Yeah.

Darling Fi.

– Walk, Charlie?

– Yeah.

Yeah, that would be grand.

Never felt like that.

I mean, something vaguely similar, for Jilly, when I was young.

– Jilly?

– Labrador.

Yes, it's odd, isn't it?

All these years we've been single and proud of it and never noticed that two of us were married all this time.

Traitors in our midst.

You know, I think death is hardest for the parents, don't you?

– I hope I die before my children.

– Tom… There's one thing I find really… Well… It's your total confidence that you will get married.

I mean, what if you never find the right girl?

– Sorry?

– If that service shows anything, it shows there is such a thing as a perfect match.

If we can't be like Gareth and Matthew, then… maybe we should just let it go.

– Some of us are not gonna get married.

– Well, I don't know, Charlie.

The truth is, unlike you, I never expected the thunderbolt.

I always just hoped that I'd meet some nice, friendly girl, like the look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick, then pop the question and settle down and be happy.

It worked for my parents.

Well, apart from the divorce… I'll give you six months at the outside, Tom.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Maybe all this waiting for one true love stuff gets you nowhere.

What the f*ck is going on?

I thought we'd better make sure we weren't late.

Excellent wedding hairstyle.

Matthew.

Best-looking best man in the world.

Listen.

Thank you for doing this today.

Of course.

I wish Gareth was here.

Bet he does, too.

I'm sorry we're so late.

The others are just parking the car.

I thought we'd all go with Tom.

Late?

So late?

– Yeah.

It's 9.45… – 9.45?

Yep, 45 minutes till «I do.» Oh, bloody Tom!

I told him to set the alarm for 8.

00!

f*ck it!

f*ck!

Scarlett.

– Hi!

– You ready?

Absolutely.

Give me 20 seconds.

– Time?

– Honestly?

– Yes!

Time!

– It's about ten to nine.

Bastards.

Jessica, stop jumping up and down, please.

One, two, three, smile!

– This is splendid tuck.

– I think I might say a little word.

As you know, I've been a close observer of Charles's love life for many years.

But recently I'd started to despair and fear that really he was married to us, except that we won't have his babies.

– I don't know about that.

– But it's all turned out splendidly.

The girl in question is sadly crazy, but perhaps that's why he loves her.

So I'd like to propose a toast to my Charlie and his beautiful girl on this tragic day.

So, be happy and don't forget us.

– Thank you.

– To Charles and Duckface.

Charles and Duckface!

– What do you think?

– You look divine.

It does work, doesn't it?

Yes.

I'd like to thank Fiona for those charming words about my future wife.

I'd like to take this opportunity to read a message from her to you all.

This is exciting.

She says «Any of you come near the house, I'll set the dogs on you.» I think that's a nice touch.

Sweet!

«Set the dogs on you!» John, hi.

– John, you made it.

– Yes.

I hope me sister turns up.

Not much of a wedding without a bride.

Tom!

Bit of a poor show you not having a stag night.

We did!

We did… We didn't think it was a good idea in this day and age.

Really?

Fi, you do look lovely today.

Yes, as you can see, I've abandoned my traditional black.

Yes, so you have.

From now on, I shall be all colours of the rainbow and fall in love with someone who fancies me for a change.

Darling Fi!

– Oh.

Look.

– What?

Lipstick everywhere.

That won't do at all.

– Hi.

– Hi.

Good luck.

Hello.

Glad you could come.

Groom's on the right.

Bride's on the left.

– Groom on the right.

Bride on the left.

– Oh, my God!

I thought you'd gone back to Texas.

Without you, never.

Good luck.

Bride or groom?

Bride or groom?

It should be perfectly obvious I'm neither.

Great God!

– Bride or groom?

– Bride.

Yes… I'm fine.

– I've a feeling we've met before.

– We have.

About 25 years ago.

I'm second cousin Harold's daughter, Deirdre.

You're Tom.

– Good Lord!

So, you're family.

– Yes.

Only very distant.

Well, yes, of course.

– You said you were bride?

– Yes.

Well, do sit.

Do sit here, Deirdre.

Golly!

Thunderbolt city.

– Hello, Matthew.

– Nice to see you.

– Hello, Charles.

– Bernard.

How are you?

– Exhausted, actually.

– Oh, Bunny!

– Charles.

– Hello, Lyd.

– Hi.

– Hi.

You look lovely.

But then I always did like you dressed for weddings.

– And on time.

– Yeah.

Extraordinary thing, isn't it?

– How's Hamish?

– He's fine… I believe.

– You believe?

– Well, yes.

He wasn't the man for me after all.

– You left him?

– We left each other.

– When?

– A few months now.

March was hell.

By April, it was sordid.

Last time I marry someone three times my age.

Charles, time to travel.

Yeah.

Coming.

Good.

– So why didn't you get in touch, then?

– I did think about it.

I wanted to, but I was in a state.

So, anyway, I don't want to keep you.

– And I'll see you afterwards.

– Yeah.

Fine.

Wait.

I'll show you to your seat.

Just showing her to her seat.

Our timing's been really bad, hasn't it?

It's been bad, yes.

It's been a disaster.

It has, as you say, been… …very bad indeed.

God, it's lovely to see you.

Well, good luck.

It's pretty easy.

Just say «I do» whenever anyone asks you a question.

Could you just give me a sec, Matthew?

Yes, of course.

Freshen up at will.

Dear Lord, forgive me for what I'm about to… …say in this magnificent place of worship.

Bugger!

Bugger!

Can I help at all?

No.

Thanks.

Sorry.

Vocal exercises.

Big church.

Excellent.

Often do the same myself.

Not exactly the same vocab, obviously.

Rather more alleluias.

I'll leave you.

– Bride's arriving.

– Fabulous!

We seem to have lost the groom.

Stall her and I'll see if I can find him.

Roger Wilco.

Charles.

It's good to see you.

Yeah.

Matt, what do we think about marriage?

Well… Well, I think it's really good, if you love the person with all your heart.

Well, exactly.

Quite.

All these weddings.

All these years.

All that blasted salmon and champagne.

Here I am on my own wedding day and I'm still thinking.

Can I ask about what?

No.

No, I think best not.

I'm terribly sorry, there's a delay.

– A problem with the flowers.

– Flowers?

There seems to be a staggeringly high proportion of hay fever sufferers and they're right next to the flowers, so we're moving the congregation.

Don't want the vows obliterated by sneezing.

Charles, would it be out of place for me to say that time is ticking by?

I've fooled them so far.

The advantage of having a reputation of being stupid, people are less suspicious.

Hello.

Here you are!

Ready to face the enemy?

Are we?

Yes.

Excellent.

Not so tight, Dad.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God and in the face of this congregation to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is an honourable estate, instituted of God in the time of man's innocence, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and his Church and therefore is not by any to be enterprised nor taken in hand unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly, but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God.

Therefore, if any man can show any just cause why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him speak now or else hereafter forever hold his peace.

I'm sorry.

Does someone have something to say?

Yes?

What is it?

One second.

– What's going on, Charles?

– Charles, what?

He wants me to translate what he's saying.

What is he saying?

«I suspect the groom is having doubts.

I suspect the groom would like to delay.

» «I suspect the groom… I suspect the groom…» What's he saying?

He says he suspects the groom… …loves someone else.

Do you?

Do you love someone else?

Do you, Charles?

I do.

Get out of my way!

Let me k*ll him!

Blimey!

At least it's one we won't forget.

A lot of weddings just blend into each other.

– For God's sake!

– This one will stick out in the memory.

For not actually including a wedding service.

Poor girl.

No, I mean it.

Poor girl.

She's not my favourite person, but it may have been an unforgivable thing.

I can't bear to think about it.

Poor Hen.

– Though let's face facts.

– I'm sorry.

If you weren't sure you wanted to marry her today of all days, i.e., your wedding day, then it must be the right decision, mustn't it?

– Quite right.

– It was a lovely dress.

I'm sure she'll find it useful for parties.

– What did he say, Charles?

– Says «He blames himself.

» – Absolutely not.

– No, you mustn't, David.

No, no.

If there's music to be faced, I should be facing it.

Hello.

– Hi!

You're soaking.

Come in.

– No, I'm fine.

Comes a point when you can't get wetter.

– OK, I'll come out.

– No, please don't.

I… I just wanted to check you're OK.

Not busy k*lling yourself or anything, but… But you're fine, so… I shouldn't have come to the church this morning.

I'm sorry.

No!

No!

Wait.

It was all my fault.

I mean, I'm the bastard here.

And it sorted out one thing.

Marriage and me were… …very clearly not meant for one another.

It sorted out another big thing, too.

There I was, standing there in the church and… …for the first time in my whole life I realised… …I totally and utterly loved one person.

And it wasn't the person standing next to me in the veil.

It's the person standing opposite me now in the rain.

Is it still raining?

I hadn't noticed.

The truth of it is, I've loved you from the first second I met you.

– Not going away again, are you?

– No.

I might drown.

But otherwise, no.

OK.

OK.

We'll go in.

But first let me ask you one thing.

Do you think, after we've dried off, after we've spent lots more time together, you might agree not to marry me?

And do you think not being married to me might maybe be something you could consider doing for the rest of your life?

Do you?

I do.