Witches of Eastwick, The (1987)

[bunniefuu]

You don't have to come if you don't want to.

I want to, but l have a million things to do first.

BOBBY: Mom, what's this?

SUKIE: Peanut butter. BOBBY: Peanut butter and what?

Peanut butter and jelIy.

KIDS: What kind of jelIy?

Zucchini jelIy.

[KIDS COMPLAIN lNG]

[BELL RINGING]

Five, six, seven!

[PLAYING]

How we doing?

We're doing fine, WaIter.

I wish we could afford to keep you fulI time.

So do I, especially now.

Hmm. ls the divorce final yet?

-Yes, today. Thank you. -Hmm.

Let's put our heads together and maybe we can work something out.

All right.

Uh, horns up.

One, two, three, four...

. ..five, six, seven.

WOMAN [SlNGING]: O beautiful for spacious skies For amber waves of grain For purple mountain majesties Above the fruited plain!

America! America!

God shed his grace on thee And crown thy good with brotherhood From sea to shining sea!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

WeIl, wonderful. Thank you very much, Felicia.

We appreciate your taking the time to be here with us today.

Ladies and gentIemen, a big hand for our most prominent selectman...

. ..or selectwoman or selectperson, FeIicia Alden.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Thank you, children and Mrs. Spofford.

I can see we have our work cut out for us.

In these days of disintegrating vaIues.. .

. ..and Iost mores. . .

. ..when our chiIdren are exposed daily. ..

. ..to the hazards of divorce, separation and families torn asunder. . .

. ..it's comforting to think back to the days. ..

. ..when a famiIy like the Lenoxes strove together.

Those vaIues, embodied in a man like Major Lenox. . ..

They were men who labored aIl their lives. . .

. ..so their chiIdren wouId be welI-fed and clothed and educated.

The families endured great hardship. . .

[CLANGS LOUDLY]

. ..yet kept their honor...

. ..their dignity and their faith in God.

We are the same peopIe; the same body, the soul. . .

. ..the hands and the feet of our fathers...

. ..fighting the wars of modern vice.

What was it that tied these people together?

What was it that made them. . .

. ..not a loose gathering of individuals, but a singIe bond?

That bond that held them together, as it holds us together today.

That bond that has stood every test.. .

. ..is found deep in our consciousness.

An abiding Iove of liberty.

For Iove of liberty, our forbearers. . .

. ..coIonies few in number and with Iittle to defend themseIves. ..

. ..fought the w*r for independence. . .

. ..what was then the world's most powerful empire.

[WlND WHISTLlNG]

For Iove of liberty. . .

. ..those who came before us tamed a vast wilderness...

. ..and braved hardships. . . .

Tamed a vast wilderness and braved hardships.. .

. ..which at times were beyond the limit--

[THUNDER RUMBLlNG]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Braved hardships, which at times were beyond the limit of human endurance.

[WALTER CONTINUES SPEECH THEN THUNDER CRASHlNG]

Come on. Go with your mom. Go on.

[PEOPLE YELLlNG AND CHATTERlNG]

Liberty must not be taken for granted. We thank God for our bIessings. ...

[THUNDER CRASHlNG]

Oh, hi, come on in. Janey, come on!

Do you beIieve it's raining?

Duh, no.

I mean, since this morning.

At least it shut WaIter up.

The same boring, sanctimonious speech.

I thought he'd go on forever. I was praying for something to happen.

-I was thinking the same thing. -You were?

I was thinking we're aIl wet and how nice it wouId be to just leave.

SUKIE: Were you reaIly? -Yeah.

And then it rained.

JANE: He's a liar and a lech and he deserved it.

No, I'm not talking about Walter.

Don't you think it's strange that we were--

We were thinking the same thing at the same time? So what?

It won't get us on David Letterman.

-I know, l-- -Let's just have a drink.

Good idea, Janey, party-baby!

[THUNDER CRASHlNG]

You know, he made a pass at me last week too.

JANE: Walter? Oh, please. ALEX: I can't even stand to think about it.

Be prepared. He does not give up easily.

It was broad daylight and his wife was standing ten feet away!

Poor woman.

Poor woman, my ass. Why does she put up with it? The man is a n*zi.

Do you think they still...you know?

Yes.

-RealIy? ALEX: I hope his d*ck is bigger than his I .Q.

SUKIE: Once a week. He told me. -He told you.

Otherwise she starts throwing things.

At least someone's getting something once a week.

Yes, heartburn.

Mm. I keep forgetting how many calories are in these.

Two minutes on the Iips, Forever on the love handIes.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Ooh. And congratuIations.

Oh, God, I forgot. Your divorce.

As of today, l'm a free woman.

SUKIE: Join the club. -Thanks.

Heh. Here l go again.

It's over, honey. You'Il be okay.

It's a beginning, not an ending. Right, Alex?

Besides, we still have each other.

Have some more martooni.

-Did you bring the cards? -Was l supposed to?

-I have them. -Okay, come on Iadies, let's do it! Whoo!

SUKIE: I feel like I'm being unfaithful. . .

. ..even if I just think about it.

Sukie, Monty deserted you and left you with five kids.

-Six. -Don't start, Alex.

Her husband left because she had too many kids.

-That's his problem. -You're oversimplifying.

-Yours left because you can't have any. -You are definitely oversimplifying.

That's not the point.

What I'm saying is that it's not your fault.

That doesn't matter. It's just not that easy.

We're too young to lock it up and throw away the key.

It's not natural.

What are we doing with ourseIves?

Look, Ozzie's dead. I loved him. He's dead.

So l spend Thursday nights with you two the rest of my life?

I like our Thursdays. It's the only time l can reIax.

Quilting, macram�. What did we do Iast Thursday night?

[IN UNISON] Chinese aphrodisiac cooking.

Fabulous. Stimulating. We're not reIaxing, we're hiding.

-What from? -WaIter Neff.

f*ck Walter Neff. I'm not talking about him.

All right, who should we be Iooking for?

Somebody nice. Somebody you couId Iike.

Somebody with a brain. Somebody you could talk to.

Somebody you could be yourself with.

[SINGlNG] Someone to watch over me All right, l've had it with you two.

[CHUCKLES]

He would have to be from out of town.

EspecialIy considering what's in town.

A stranger. That wouId be interesting.

A taIl, dark prince traveIing under a curse.

In Eastwick?

Romantic.

A foreign prince on a big, black horse.

[LAUGHS]

All right, no, no, no. If we're going to have it...

. ..let's have it all.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

He should be reaIly handsome.

Not too handsome.

Nice eyes.

Nice ass.

[CHUCKLES]

Huge.

[CHUCKLES]

I prefer small.

Aesthetically, l prefer smalI.

Sam was huge and there were times when I couId not face it.

I'm in the middIe myself.

But who cares? As long as it works, it's in.

-It's in. -Okay.

It's a nice thought, but wishing for it won't make it happen.

Men are not the answer to everything.

So why do we aIways end up taIking about them?

[HORN HONKS]

SUKIE: I said, some man bought the Lenox mansion.

Did you hear me?

ALEX [OVER PHONE]: Yeah. Who is he?

He's from New York, no wife, no family.

He toId the realtors he needed room for his pianos.

Apparently, he has a lot of pianos.

How many pianos can one guy have?

Don't you think it's kind of strange and funny?

What's his name?

You know, that's strange too.

What's strange about his name?

They told me his name for the coIumn and I forgot it.

So l called back and it's gone again.

It's not Iike me to forget a name.

It's the big news of the day...

...considering the history of the place. l wonder if he knows.

WOMAN: I don't know.

Is that CIyde and FeIicia?

Yeah. Clyde? I'Il call you back, okay?

I have this cuIinary piece. Hi, Felicia.

"Cheeseburger pie"? Is your column finished?

Here's the track meet, births and deaths, the senior citizens' news.

The toxic waste articIe should be done this afternoon.

This pie looks good.

Did you hear someone bought the Lenox mansion?

That house is landmark building. They have no right to selI it.

I can't do anything about that.

FELlCIA: No.

You're too busy. . .

. ..reporting on the horse trough and Herbie Prescott's trip to Bermuda.

What's going to happen to those birds now? TelI me that.

What birds?

The snowy egrets.

Where will they nest?

I don't know.

Exactly.

FeIicia, what's the matter?

Honey. lt's only a house. Why are you so upset?

I have a feeling.

The most terrible feeling.

Something is happening. Something evil.

I'm just gIad they're seIling. I was afraid that--

They're not seIling, they sold. Just like that.

I don't understand.

You know I adore the Iittle creatures. So unreal, and yet the detail.

Little fingers and toes, little pudenda making a bump. So sweet.

But nobody's even Iooked at them sideways in months.

Then this morning. ..

. ..this man appeared out of absoIutely nowhere.

So charming. Not really handsome, but. . .riveting.

That's it. I was riveted. I looked into his eyes. . .

. ..and had thoughts I hadn't entertained since World w*r l l.

I think l actually blushed. Can you imagine?

No, I mean, yeah. So he bought one?

He bought aIl of them. Every single one.

So who was he? A tourist?

No, he just bought the Lenox house. He's moving in.

Do you remember his name?

Of course. His name is... .

He toId me.

I wrote it down, even.

It was. ..

. ..foreign.

It sounded.. . .

It's right on the tip of my tongue, but I can't....

Oh.

Isn't that diabolical?

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[GROWLlNG]

What is that noise?

I don't know.

Outrageous!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Brava!

Bravis!

[LAUGH lNG]

SUKIE: He bought aIl of them?

-And now he's here. -Making goo-goo eyes at Jane.

And the interview too. How weird.

Didn't l telI you? Oh, it was after we taIked.

The paper called him and asked to interview him--

About the house renovation and alI.

He said he'd love to be interviewed and asked for me.

Why?

I don't know, I mean he wants me to do the interview.

-Who is he? -He must have a name.

I just can't remember it.

Why would he ask for you?

Because I'm good at it. You act like l'm so stupid.

He was in my shop.

You're not stupid. But how does he know who Sukie Ridgemont is?

I don't know.

He bought the Lenox estate just like that.

-From New York. -He has some kind of a foreign name.

Van something or other.

Oh, there you are. How sweet.

They're from him. With a personal note.

-Just the initiaI "D." -Yeah, it starts with "D."

-David? -No. It has an "R" in it.

Doberman?

-Drake? -Darren.

It's "D" something, "R" something, "L." DaryI!

[GASPS]

-Van Horne. -Yes!

-Daryl Van Horne. -Daryl Van Horne?

What kind of name is that?

[SCREAMS]

CLYDE: FeIicia!

Sweetheart?

Oh, Clyde, honey.

I think l broke my leg.

DARYL: Looking for me?

Are you looking for me? Or is this just a happy coincidence?

-Actually, l was-- -Just looking.

WeIl, too bad.

Have you seen any snowy egrets out here?

-No. -Neither have I.

Not that I'd know a snowy egret if l was pissing on one. You want some lunch?

I think it's a little late in the season.

For Iunch?

No, pissing on birds.

DARYL: DaryI Van Horne.

Alexandra Medford.

The local sculptress. The one who makes. . .

. ..the littIe booby dolls.

They're just littIe--

Little, yes, but potent. FulI of juice.

Potent. You can feel it when you pick them up.

I sent a coupIe to New York.

I have a friend down there. Terrific feIlow.

He has a galIery. I wanted to hear his opinion.

Of course the scale is wrong. Get bigger.

Let yourseIf go. Get some size into it.

Do you like fish? We're having fish for Iunch.

[SIGHS]

Interesting, huh?

Oh, yes.

FideI, that's his name.

Women love him. They're crazy about him.

He has a big schIong.

Huge.

WeIl, there you are. Scale again. Size.

Who knows, maybe it's a mascuIine thing.

They say women don't care. I'm in the middle myself. How about you?

How about me, what?

See, women are in touch with different things.

That's my opinion. It's not a fashionable one right now, but f*ck it!

I see men running around, putting their dicks. ..

. ..into everything, trying to make something happen.

But it's women who are the source, the only power.

Nature. Birth. Rebirth.

CIich�. Clich�.

Sure. But true.

Why are you teIling me this?

You're an honest woman. I'm being honest with you.

I like women. I admire them.

But if you want me to treat you like a dumb twit, l wiIl.

But what for? You have brains, Alex.

More than brains. But you don't know it. Most women don't.

Are you married?

Good question!

You see? Brains.

The answer is no. I don't believe in it.

Good for the man. Lousy for the woman.

She dies. She suffocates. I've seen it. Then the husband...

. ..complains to everyone that he's f*cking a dead person.

And he's the one who k*lled her.

[LAUGHS]

-Where is your husband? -Dead.

Sorry, but you're one of the lucky ones.

When a woman unIoads a husband or a husband unloads a woman.. .

. ..however it happens. .. death, desertion, divorce: the three Ds.

When that happens, a woman bIooms. She blossoms.

Like flowers. Like fruit.

She is ripe.

That's the woman for me.

Would you like to see my house?

Yes.

DARYL: In case anybody ever...

. ..needed any exercise...

. ..the pooI is right over there, past the piano. . .

. ..where the ballroom used to be.

Interesting word, "balIroom."

It's one of my favorites.

DARYL: Over there is. . .

. ..my study.

Oh.

-This is my bedroom. -Yes, it is.

The Borgias once owned the bed.

Of course, you have to pay for it with your soul, but...

. ..what the heIl, I deserve a little luxury.

You have to take care of yourself.

No one will do that for you, wiIl they?

Hmm?

Ha. Ha-ha. What do you think you're doing?

Being as direct with you as l know how. I thought you'd appreciate it.

I aIways like a Iittle p*ssy after lunch. What do you say?

-Hmm? -Are you trying to seduce me?

I wouIdn't dream of seducing you, Alexandra.

I wouIdn't insuIt your intelIigence. . .

. ..with anything as trivial as seduction.

But, l would love to f*ck you.

I have to admit that l appreciate your directness, DaryI.

I will try to be as direct. . .

. ..and honest with you as l possibly can be.

I think... .

No, I am positive that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met...

. ..in my entire life.

This afternoon, you have demonstrated every loathsome characteristic...

. ..of the male personality and even added some new ones.

You are physicaIly repuIsive, inteIlectuaIly Ret*rded...

. ..morally reprehensible, vuIgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid.

You have no taste, no sense of humor and you smelI.

You're not even interesting enough to make me sick.

Um.... Would you Iike to be on top or the bottom?

Goodbye, DaryI, and thank you for a lovely Iunch.

If that's the way you feel about it. . .

. ..that's the way you feel about it.

Is that the way you feeI about it?

Who are you?

Just your. . .

. ..average horny little devil.

I have to get home.

What have you got to go home to?

There isn't anybody there, is there?

The kid will take care of herseIf.

She'lI eat and fall asleep on the bed doing homework.

I promise.

And housecleaning?

You cIean up the dirt, there's just more dirt tomorrow.

Make the beds, they just have to be made tomorrow.

Wash the dishes. There's more to wash tomorrow.

-I have to make-- -Make dinner?

It just gets eaten.

You've done your best, Alex.

You've done the wife bit, the motherhood bit.

The car pools, the vegetable garden.. .

. ..the needlepoint, the macram� potholders...

. ..a cup of coffee with a neighbor in the morning. ..

. ..a couple of drinks, a coupIe of pilIs. . .

. ..a little psychoanalysis....

Where are you now, Alex?

Exactly where I want to be and l'm doing fine.

Pretending to be somebody else? To be half of what you are?

How Iong can you last Iike that?

The world keeps growing, and you feed it.

But it doesn't feed you, does it?

It washes through you, down the drain, wasted.

A woman is a hole, isn't that what they say?

All the futility of the world pouring into her.

Hmm?

How much can you take, Alex? How much can you take...

. ..before you snap?

Lying on your bed, looking at the ceiling. . .

. ..waiting for something to happen.

And knowing aIl the time that you were meant for something better.

Feeling it.

Wanting it.

Use me, Alex.

Use me.

FiIl me up. I can take it.

Make it happen. Don't wait.

Time is the kiIler.

Make it happen.

Do it, AIex.

Do it now.

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

You know. . . .

You sit there in that...

. ..pathetic excuse of an office. ..

. ..reporting gossip. . .

. ..while under your very nose. . .

. ..evil.. .

. ..is doing its worst.

You have no spine, Clyde.

Not one ounce. . .

. ..of morality.

Christ!

Even common sense.

Nuclear holocaust.

m*rder.

r*pe. Apartheid!

Why, these words mean nothing to you.

It's just a local newspaper.

It is local turpitude.

You are a failure, Clyde! You should be strung up...

. ..along with that son of a bitch who bought that house!

[SCREAMS]

CalI the nurse!

I am in pain!

-Then take the pilI. -I don't want to.

I'm not going to force it on you.

Is it AIzheimer's?

No. It's the bone marrow. When a bone breaks...

. ..bits of fat get in the bloodstream and the blood vessels of the brain.

It affects the behavior.

She's hysterical. She says things that I don't know where they're coming from.

It's bone marrow?

Yes. She'lI be very upset. She'lI say terrible things.

She may even be paranoid.

It is perfectly normal. lt wilI pass.

What's happening to me, CIyde?

It's all right, sweetheart.

I open my mouth and the strangest things come out.

You've had a hard time and you're tired. Try to sleep.

[SIGHS]

Something is inside me, Clyde.

Something is crawling inside me.

I can feel it.

Something evil.

It's almost here.

Hi.

You!

In there!

[SCREAMlNG]

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

Jane.

At last we meet.

DaryI Van Horne.

Cream and sugar?

Sugar.

-One lump or two? -Four.

-Sweet tooth. -Sweet everything.

I'm a sugar junkie. Sugar, chocolate, Coca-Cola....

UncontrollabIe appetite. In every department.

That's not good for you.

It doesn't bother me.

I have a supernatural constitution. It's genetic.

I don't hold on this health consciousness sh*t.

Pardon the language.

I see guys, 60...

. ..70, breaking their baIls...

. ..to stay fit. What for?

When l die, I want to be sick, not healthy.

I suppose that's one way of Iooking at it.

Oh.

Do I make you nervous?

Yes, you do.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that.

Truth is best.

Yes, that's so true.

So what brings you to Eastwick?

Ah.

We're going to have a polite conversation.

I'm sorry.

No, I don't mind.

I came to Eastwick because l was drawn here.

I needed a pIace to settle down and. . .

. .. l Iiked the house.

It has a history.

Rubbish.

No, it's true.

They say they used to burn witches there.

Hocus-pocus.

The entire witchcraft scare.. .

. ..as far back as the 1 4th century, was started by the medicaI profession.

That's right.

They were trying to get midwives out of the child-birthing business.

That's what most of the women they b*rned were. Midwives.

Is that true?

You better believe it.

Just another example of male-dominated professional society. . .

. ..exploiting femaIes for their own selfish purposes.

Men are such cocksuckers, aren't they?

You don't have to answer that. It's true.

Their dicks get limp. . .

. ..when confronted by a powerful woman, so what do they do?

CalI them witches. Burn them, t*rture them...

. ..until every woman is afraid. Afraid of herseIf...

. ..afraid of men.

And alI for what?

Fear of Iosing their hard-on.

[LAUGHS]

Let's pIay some music.

[CHUCKLES]

Mm.

[THUNDER CRASHlNG]

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[THUNDER CRASHlNG]

You play beautifuIly.

Nothing compared to you.

You're an artist.

Intonation.

Vibrato. Stretch.

You think I'm crazy, but I know music.

It's the one thing that makes me humble.

Not prissy? Our leader says my intonation is prissy.

You have precision.

Precision is not prissy. Precision is the foundation of passion.

Passion without precision? Chaos.

Look at your thumb. Your sublime thumb position.

You really keep the pressure on.

Most men can't, but you. . . .

You have the most beautiful caIlus.

This hand.

This is your failure. Your bowing sucks.

My bowing? Why?

Your spiccato sounds like marcato. Your Iegato like d�tach�.

You kilI the passion. Let it go. Why are you holding back?

These aren't just notes you're pIaying. . .

. ..they're phrases. Human outcries.

I understand that! And l practice!

I practice until my fingers bleed!

I know.

It's the sixteenth notes in the alIegro. I can't do it!

Yes, you can.

It's no good.

I don't have it.

I can't do it.

-Yes, you can. -No, I can't, l can't.

[GASPS]

DARYL: Trust me.

Trust me.

Try.

Let it go. Don't be afraid.

You have great passion in you. Let it out.

I can take it.

I want it.

[PLAYING]

Yes.

Yes, that's it.

Relax. Just breathe into it.

Don't tighten up. That's it.

Feel it. Hold it. Love it.

That's it, yes.

Yes, that's right. Now!

That's right. Do you feel that?

Let it wash over you. Let it tickle you.

[THUNDER CRASHlNG]

[CHUCKLES]

[MOAN lNG]

[KIDS YELLING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[ALL GREETING EACH OTHER]

CAROL: Did you miss me?

-Yes. -Good. l missed you too.

-Like my new top? -Yeah, it's cute.

Do you want to listen to some tapes?

[KIDS CHEER]

Alex! Yoo-hoo.

ALEX: I'm out here!

-Let's go. -What is that?

We're going to be late. Carol, the number is on the fridge!

-But you're not dressed. ALEX: I'm not naked.

-I don't beIieve it! -Neither do I !

But l swear to God, I couldn't waIk for two days.

[LAUGH lNG AND SCREAMlNG]

His penis is amazing. It bends the wrong way.

The wrong--? Wait a minute!

It bends like that!

-You're terrible. -No, I'm fabuIous.

But just because you went to bed with him--

No, it's not just that! It's Iike he knows me.

He knows everything! I can't wait for you to meet him.

And l can't wait for Jane to meet him! Jane wilI love him!

[LAUGH lNG]

SUKIE: Jane?

Is that you?

JANE: Sukie. Alexandra.

Did you come to fix the plumbing?

I didn't have time to change. What's your excuse?

I don't need any. l was invited.

So was I.

DARYL: HelIo!

Mm. DarIing!

There you are.

ALEX: Are we late? -Not at alI.

JANE: Weren't we playing singles?

-You don't pIay tennis. JANE: I do now.

Sukie. At last we meet.

Hi. HelIo. How are you?

Let me...

. ..look at those eyes of yours.

You are a fertile creature, aren't you?

Thank you, I think.

I'm reading that rag of a newspaper. You are a genius.

Wasted. Pearls before swine.

When are we going to do our interview? I love interviews.

-They're so intimate. -Anytime you say.

Just the two of us, banging away, head to head.

Yes, yes.

But not today.

Today is for tennis. Are you ready, ladies?

What a day!

[SN lFFS]

Is that your perfume?

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[BOTH GRUNT]

ALEX: Double fauIt!

I'm not blind or deaf! You don't have to shout!

We're aIl good friends. Let's pIay fair.

I aIways play fair, okay? Love-forty, Jane.

-Okay, okay. -Okay?

-What do you mean? -Don't Iet them rattle you.

They're just trying to get you. Let's go.

[JANE GRUNTS]

-Uhn! -Ah.

Sorry, darIing. Lost my head.

Fault.

[GRUNTING]

Ow!

JANE: I've got it! l've got it!

It's not coming down.

[SUKIE GlGGLES]

Come on.

Our game. Sukie serves.

[MUTTERING]

Stop!

[EXHALES]

Good going, Daryl.

SUKIE: Jane!

[THUNDER CRASHlNG]

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[LAUGHS]

SUKIE: Strong drink. What is it?

DARYL: Rum. . .vodka. . .

. ..brandy.. .

. ..acid.

I'm only kidding.

I don't mind. dr*gs have no effect on me.

-RealIy? -Neither does aIcohol.

It's true. lt's boring, but it's true.

Are you going to seduce me too?

Yes.

How?

I don't know.

I should warn you. I get pregnant.

I get pregnant alI the time. At the drop of a hat.

I could borrow your toothbrush and get pregnant.

I'Il keep that in mind.

That doesn't bother you?

No.

You're not like other men.

-I'm not. -Uhn-uhn.

Most men, welI, my husband, try to keep everything under control.. .

. ..pretend everything is normaI.

Always rational, aIways an explanation for everything.

Men need that, don't they? To feeI everything is solid.

And the worId just isn't Iike that.

Certainly not with you three around.

I don't think--

We're not so different from other women.

Women are more natural, right?

And nature is crazy, no matter what science says.

So l don't mind.

I don't mind when peculiar things happen. lt's naturaI. ..

. ..because the world is a peculiar pIace.

And you're a very peculiar person.

Thank you.

I wouId Iove to be a woman.

You would? Really? Why?

Just look what you can do with your bodies.

Make babies and. . .

. ..make milk to feed the babies.

If l could do that. ...

Who are you, really?

Anybody you want me to be.

[OPERA MUSlC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[SCREAMS]

[DOG BARKING]

[SUKIE AND ALEX LAUGH lNG]

[GASPS]

[LAUGH lNG]

DARYL: Look at what they can do.

These are human beings.

[RlNGS BELL]

[JANE SCREAMS]

SUKIE: When you're a kid and don't understand anything. ..

. ..you think when you grow up it will all make sense.

Then when you grow up, you keep waiting for the day.

You think it ever happens?

It starts when you open your eyes and reaIize what the future has in store for you.

And what do you see when you open your eyes?

WeIl. . . .

It's a short Iife, isn't it?

Sometimes I look in the mirror and l see everything...

. ..disintegrating faster and faster.

I aIways see snakes.

Hundreds of them.

They crawl all over me and l disappear.

Then l'm just not there anymore.

WeIl, I don't mind that it's a short life or growing old or disappearing.

It's the pain that scares me. I don't know why there has to be...

. ..so much pain.

Yeah, welI....

We don't deaI the deck down here, we just. . .

. ..play the percentages.

[DOGS BARKlNG]

[CHOIR SlNGlNG HYMN]

Whores.

CLYDE: What?

FELlCIA: Whores! -Shh, shh, shh.

-Whores. -Sit down, sit down.

FELlCIA: Look around you.

Look around you. Do you see what's happening?

In our town.

In our very homes!

You know who l'm talking about. You know!

You know what's going on in that house! Vice!

Perversions!

Shamelessness!

Cavorting...

. ..with that devil!

She's fine. She's sick.

No! dr*gs! dr*gs are next.

m*rder!

r*pe!

Incest!

Spanish flies!

Dildos! a**l intercourse!

Listen to me!

-PIease. -Sorry!

Let's go home, Felicia.

You employ one of them, CIyde.

That's nobody's business.

Oh-ho. lt is everybody's business!

You know, once there was a paradise.

Then a serpent came into that garden.

For Christ's sake, Felicia, would you stop?

Oh, Clyde.

I have nothing against a good f*ck.

But there is danger here.

Somebody has to do something about it.

[PLAYING BADLY]

Okay, stop.

Stop! Stop.

Um....

Let's get rid of the music.

Throw it away! Get rid of it. Let's get rid of the music.

That's it! Right. Okay, now. . . .

I want you all to close your eyes.

Take a deep breath.

Let it alI out.

Now pick up your instrument...

. ..and when l count to four...

. ..we'Il play the sh*t out of this thing.

One, two, three, four.

[BAND STARTS PLAYING]

That's it, just relax.

Take it easy. Good.

Nice!

Smile.

Come on, smile, Martha.

That's it, this is fun. Come on, this is easy.

Easy-peasy. That's it, that's it. Good.

Just let it flow over you. Good.

Let it tickle you now.

Tickle, tickIe, tickle, tickle.

Good! You've got it now. Come on!

Go with it, it's yours! Come on!

Good! Yes!

See? You can do it. That's it. You're doing great. Flow with it.

That's it, yes!

These aren't phrases, these are human outcries!

Oh.

Double-double chocolate. These are fabulous.

Mm-mm.

Excuse me.

Are you buying the paper or not?

-Um.... -SIut.

What did you say?

You heard her.

WOMAN 1 : Did you see her socks?

WOMAN 2: She's not wearing a bra.

SUKIE: How could you do this?

We didn't use any names except for Van Horne.

You don't know what goes on there.

The whole town is talking about you and your friends.

This is so unfair. lt's also untrue.

-No, no, no, no. -Yes.

He fiIled in the wetIands and ruined it for the birds.

He aItered the landmark building...

. ..and the town is suing him for $2 miIlion.

How can you do this to me?

I work very hard and you know I'm a good writer.

All right, Sukie, all right.

-What? -Look, look.

[STAMMERS]

I don't own the newspaper, you know.

It's Felicia, isn't it?

She's a...

. ..very sick woman.

She's having a very bad time. And l don't know what to do.

I want her to see a doctor.

WeIl, not a doctor, you know, but a...doctor.

CIyde.

We went to high schooI together.

She was a catch.

Ever since the accident, she just hasn't been the same. And now. . . .

I'm so sorry, Clyde.

What am l doing?

f*ring me.

Oh.

All these terrible things she says...

. ..they're not true, are they?

We should stop seeing each other.

-Oh, Iet's not overreact. -Yes, let's not overreact.

-I think we should. -It's a small town, Daryl.

We haven't done anything. Why stop seeing each other?

CIyde says that Felicia has visions.

Why is it always women who have visions?

She sees the devil here in Eastwick.

If you were the devil, would you come to Eastwick?

Oh, l don't know.

Poor Felicia.

Poor Felicia? She taIked to alI of my students' mothers.

I had 1 2 cancellations this week.

People teIl Carol her mother is a d*ke.

You're being sued for millions.

That is inconvenient.

She's not kidding about her medievaI moraIity.

I think Sukie is right. Maybe we should stop.

Maybe she shouId stop.

You can't be serious. We're a famiIy.

Just for a whiIe untiI things settle down.

Don't let her get to you.

Have a cherry.

They are selling p*rn at SchyIer's News Shop.

In the open. On the sheIves.

ChiIdren are looking at this. . . .

[GAGS]

It's in broad dayIight.

I can't understand one word you're saying. Not one!

FELlCIA: They're standing in line. . . .

FiIth in broad daylight.

CLYDE: Right.

She made a scene at SchyIer's.

Grabbing magazines from kids and chasing them.

She's in pain. Clyde too. He started drinking again.

She's twisted. Getting to me through my kid is sick.

-We could help. -By putting her out of her misery.

Please. They're lucky to have each other.

If they don't appreciate that, I have no sympathy.

Easy for you to say. You don't have kids or a family.

You're my family. I don't want to lose it.

I just can't stand to see you upset.

You don't know what it does to me.

I wish she wouId just go away.

Have another cherry.

He's trying to get inside me.

He's trying to use me.

And he's using these women too.

He wants to take our goodness.

He wants to get inside me.

Just like a man.

Tickle, tickIe, diddle, diddle.

[CLYDE MOANS]

God made us in the image of goodness. Look what we've become.

[GROWLlNG]

Animals gone mad. . .

. ..devouring the earth and each other.

Eat, eat, eat, eat!

[SCREAMS]

FeIicia, caIm down.

[PANTlNG]

I know who he is, Clyde.

Have another cherry.

[GAGS]

What have you been eating?

Those poor women.

I have to warn them.

He'll propagate, Clyde.

He wilI increase his number.

Those women are going to bear him sons.

He's going to take their love and destroy the earth with it.

[CHUCKLES]

[STOMACH RUMBLES]

[GROANING]

[RETCHlNG VIOLENTLY]

Let's call it a day.

[THUDDING]

-I don't beIieve it. -I know.

I know him. He couldn't do this.

Alex, don't you get it? God!

Get what?

Us!

Last night, all that talk.

Those were just words.

They make things happen. We make things happen.

-We had nothing to do with this. -Yes, we do!

We should talk to Daryl.

Why? Why do we have to do everything DaryI says?

She's right.

Some man comes along and nothing eIse matters!

You are so dumb, Jane.

-This is about us, not Daryl. -Let's calI him.

Can't you stop thinking from between your Iegs?

You bitch!

SUKIE: Alex, don't.

-Shut up, Sukie! -WiIl you get off of her?

[ALL YELLING]

[SCREAMlNG]

Anybody call?

[THUNDER CRASHlNG]

[PHONE RlNGING]

ALEX [OVER PHONE]: Hello? -Hi.

-Daryl? -Yeah. Remember me?

How are you?

I'm hanging in there. What do you want?

Nothing. I just called to see how you are, you know?

See how things were going.

I'm fine.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I wanted to see how you were, you know?

Make sure you were okay.

Make sure you didn't have any uncontrollabIe desire to see me.

In case you were missing me and you were too embarrassed to call...

. .. l called first.

Then you could feeI superior and see me at the same time.

What do you say?

I don't feel superior. I feel terrible.

I feel terrible too.

If we both feeI terrible, can't we do something about it?

What's going on here?

Nobody's calling me. Nobody's coming to see me.

-No-- -I just think we need some time.

We need a little time, okay?

No, it's not okay, Alex. I don't understand.

Somebody d*ed, Daryl. FeIicia is dead.

Yeah, welI....

People die all the time. She was in a bad way.

It has nothing to do with us.

I can't talk to you. Don't calI me, because I--

Don't hang up!

Alex, don't do this! This is not fair!

[SCRATCHING]

Happy birthday!

It's not my birthday.

It isn't?

-You sure? -I'm sure.

WeIl, what the helI.

Happy whatever day.

These are my favorite fruit.

I can't accept those, Daryl.

I'm freezing my nuts off out here.

I can't ask you in, I'm sorry.

Not even for a little while? Just to dry off.

TaIk to the kids maybe.

No. You have to go away.

You have to go away now. I can't see you or taIk to you.

I'm sorry, DaryI, but l can't!

Jane?

HelIo.

Give me that.

NURSE: Mrs. Spofford? -What's wrong with me?

Nothing. You're pregnant.

Three or four weeks.

Are you sure?

I thought something was really wrong. Are you sure?

Do you need a doctor? We could recommend--

No, no, no, I-- No.

Thank you so much.

Mrs. Spofford, your cIothes.

SUKIE [OVER TV]: Do you think it ever happens?

JANE: It starts when you open your eyes...

...and realize what the future has in store for you.

DARYL: And what do you see when you open your eyes?

JANE: Well, short life.

I want to surprise him.

JANE: lt's a short life, isn't it?

I look in the mirror and see everything...

...disintegrating faster and faster. lt's a short life, isn't it?

I look in the mirror and see everything...

...disintegrating faster and faster.

[JANE CONTlNUES TALKING OVER TV]

ALEX: They crawl all over me and l disappear.

Then l'm just not there anymore.

Alex!

I always see snakes.

Hundreds of them.

They crawl all over me and l disappear. Then I'm just not there.

[SCREAMlNG]

Alex, it's me.

It's me. Just let it go. Let it go! Look at me!

Let it go. That's it. Just let it go.

Pain scares me. I don't know why there has to be...

...so much pain.

[PHONE RlNGING]

SUKIE: I don't know why there has to be...

...so much pain.

[SCREAMS]

[GASPlNG]

[PHONE RlNGING]

[WHISPERING] Can we talk?

She's still hemorrhaging. We sIowed it down, but....

Will she be all right?

If we knew what was wrong, we'd have a chance.

Can we see her?

She's in a lot of pain. I can't give her anything. . .

. ..until we know what we're dealing with.

Okay. Go ahead.

ALEX: Sweetheart, the doctor says you'll be fine.

He doesn't know what's going on.

[GASPlNG]

JANE: Easy.

I'm pregnant.

So am l .

Alex?

That son of a bitch.

[GASPlNG]

Make him stop, pIease. Make him stop.

I will, honey. I will.

ALEX: Back off, Fidel!

DaryI? Daryl!

ANNOUNCER [OVER TV]: Tara Flavor, come on down!

ALEX: DaryI?

Alex?

-Don't "Alex" me. -What a nice surprise.

What the helI do you think you're doing?

I said, what the hell do you think you're doing?

A little housework.

I've been sending these shirts out, but Jesus, they come back in pieces.

SmalI town.

Not enough Orientals.

FideI's aIl thumbs with this kind of thing.

That just leaves me.

I'm not talking about your damn laundry, I'm talking about...

. ..Sukie and Jane and me.

GoIly. You girls sure are having a hard time, aren't you?

Sukie is very ill.

WeIl, I'm sorry to hear it.

Then do something about it!

Me? What can l do about it?

It has nothing to do with me anymore.

It does, and you know it does!

No, I don't.

All I know is we were friends and the next day I was shut out.

That's aIl l know.

One minute l was the answer to your prayers.

Five minutes Iater, you wouldn't give me the time of the day.

Sukie couId die! Don't you understand that?

-I can't help it. -Yes, you can. Don't lie to me.

You deserted me.

We had a deal.

-That's no reason-- -Yes, it is.

You pissed me off!

Was l supposed to take it like a man?

I gave you everything I got!

I gave you more than anybody ever has, and what do l get in exchange?

A little thank you? A little gratitude?

I get screwed!

Oh, cut the crap! What do you want from us?

I want somebody to do these shirts!

I want somebody to pay attention to me! I want some respect!

I want somebody to take care of me for a change!

Huh? How about that?

What do I want? Christ!

What does any man want?

A little affection.

A little trust.

g*dd*mn it.

Everything l did, I did for you.

I was wrong.

Go ahead.

Go back to your miserable littIe Iife. f*ck me if I care!

If that's what you want, that's what you get.

You are not the only three women in the world.

You're hurting people, DaryI.

What you did for us was great.

But you can't use your power to hurt people.

Don't you understand that?

No.

I want my family back together, that's aIl.

You. . .

. ..and Sukie.. .

. ..and Jane.

I couldn't hurt Sukie.

I couldn't hurt any of you. How could I?

I love you.

You don't know what love is.

I can learn. You could teach me.

How hard can it be?

Oh, AIex, Iet's not fight.

You can't win. There's no way you can win.

There's nothing to go back to, even if you could win.

Can't we just. . .

. ..put this behind us and be friends?

There.

See?

Isn't that nice?

TeIl the truth.

You missed me a littIe bit, didn't you?

Huh?

Yeah, I have.

So let's kiss and make it better.

Huh? What do you say?

ALEX: What are we going to do with you?

[EXHALlNG]

It stopped.

Darling, you Iook perfect.

Mm.

[JANE MOANS]

[CHUCKLES]

Hi.

You look gorgeous.

Thank you.

Feeling better?

Much better now. Everything's going to be much better now.

[ALL MOANING]

[SUKIE LAUGHS]

FideI.

We're going to town.

The ladies have a craving for bagels and ice cream.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[ENGlNE STARTS]

[RUMBLING]

Three pinches.

I'd like...

. ..a dozen bagels, a pound of gravlax and what kind of ice cream do you have?

No ice cream. The freezer's broken.

Ice cream.

Um.... WeIl, ahem, I'Il just take the bread and the fish.

JANE: It doesn't look Iike him.

ALEX: It doesn't have to. We know who it is.

He looks funny with no hair.

It won't hurt him, will it?

-No. We just want to send him away. -Jane, come on.

No ice cream. Imagine that.

I'Il go see if I can't get some. You go shopping.

I said, "A taIl, dark prince traveIing under a curse."

"Somebody nice."

"Somebody you could talk to."

[WHISTLING]

-Morning. -Good morning.

I'd like some pistachio. That is pistachio?

And some chocolate-chocolate chip.

[SCREAMlNG]

CLERK: Are you okay? -No, my Ieg!

Jesus Christ!

What is it?

[SCREAMlNG]

What's the matter?

[PANTlNG]

Are you having a heart att*ck?

[WHIMPERS]

GirIs!

GirIs? What are you doing?

GirIs! Girls! PIease, don't!

[GRUNTING]

Elijah fled to the mount of God.

The Lord passed by and a great, strong wind rent the mountains. . .

. ..and breaked in pieces the rocks before the Lord....

[DOORS OPEN lNG]

[WlND HOWLlNG]

[PREACHER TALKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

[PEOPLE MURMURlNG]

[LOCK CLICKS]

[GROWLS]

[WOMEN GASP]

Sorry.

Just having a little trouble.

A little. ..troubIe at home.

A little domestic probIem.

Nothing to be alarmed at.

Just a little femaIe probIem.

[RETCHlNG]

[PEOPLE GASPlNG AND CHATTERlNG]

[CROWD SHOUTING]

Don't pay any attention.

It's a cheap trick.

Anybody can do it. I taught it to them myself.

UngratefuI little b*tches, aren't they?

I want to ask you something. You alI go to church.

Do you think God knew what he was doing when he created woman? Huh?

No sh*t! I really want to know.

Or do you think it was one of his minor mistakes?

Like tidaI waves! Earthquakes! Floods!

Do you think women are like that?

[GRUNTING]

[RETCHlNG]

[PANTlNG]

What's the matter?

You don't think God makes mistakes?

Of course he does.

We alI make mistakes.

Of course, we make mistakes, they calI it eviI.

When God makes mistakes, they calI it nature.

[CHUCKLES]

So what do you think?

Women. A mistake?

Or did he do it to us on purpose?

I really want to know!

If it's a mistake, maybe we can do something about it!

Find a cure!

Invent a vaccine.

Build up our immune systems.

[LAUGH lNG]

Get a littIe exercise.

You know. Twenty pushups a day...

. ..and you never have to be affIicted with women, ever again!

[GROANING]

[SIGHS]

All right, that's it.

How do we know it worked?

I guess we just wait and see.

My God, look at this place.

-Just in case. -Okay.

[GROWLlNG]

[ENGlNE STARTS]

[GRUNTING]

[BARKING]

[BIKER SCREAMS]

[DOG CONTINUES BARKING]

No!

[SCREAMlNG]

SUKIE: Here, here. Quick. Okay.

[BARKING]

[GRUNTING]

[SN lFFlNG]

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLS]

[GROWLlNG]

[NECK CRACKS]

[SUKIE PANTlNG]

The doll.

[SCREAMS]

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

-Jane! Jane. BOTH: Aah!

[LAUGHS]

Jane, laugh!

[BOTH LAUGH]

[LAUGHS]

[WHIMPERS]

[GROWLlNG]

[SUKIE GASPS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[THUDDING]

[RUMBLING]

[SCREAMlNG]

[ROARING]

[MOAN lNG SOFTLY]

[BABlES BABBLING]

SUKIE: Come here, you.

JANE: Come on, sweet pea, come on. Oh.

ALEX: Come on, littIe mookie boy, come on.

[BABlES BABBLING]

[CHUCKLES]

What a big guy! Sweetheart.

Look at Fidel. What does he have for you?

[CHILDREN CHATTERlNG]

Janey, stop it.

What?

Just stop it.

I can think about him if l want to.

Not when we're all together.

I miss him. I can't help it.

I do, and so do you. Admit it.

Okay, we admit it.

Do you want him back?

[MOUTHING]

[PLAYING]

[HORN SOUNDS]

[OVERLAPPING NOlSES OVER TV]

DARYL: Take it easy.

We don't want the whole household in here, do we?

That's it. Good boys.

We're going to do just fine.

Come to Daddy and give me a big kiss.

Come on. Good boys. Come on.

Come to Daddy.

Coochie-coochie-coo. That's it. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

[DARYL CHUCKLES]

Oh, ladies, come on.