(WOMAN) I just don't want to make one of these tapes if it's something you do with every girl.
(MAN) Every girl? No, no. I am strictly a one-woman guy.
(WOMAN) Well, I don't want to end up all over the Internet.
I pride myself on keeping a low profile.
My private life is private. Hm.
Wait. I thought you never did this before. What are all these?
Oh, uh, just some movies I rented.
"Me and Brandy, Missionary"?
A tale of two girls who become nuns.
"Me and Brandy, Doggy"?
The sequel. The nuns adopt a chocolate lab.
What are all those?
Oh, that's just your standard home security setup. Basic run-of-the mill.
No big deal, nothing too elaborate. Everybody has them.
And why do you need security cameras pointing at your bed?
In case a burglar tries to steal my sex tapes.
Now, let's get into bed.
Let's just make this quick. I have a court hearing in the morning.
Judge Henderson? No. I wish. Thompson.
Mm. That's going to suck for you.
It was a driving mishap thingy.
Do me a favor. Promise me you won't drive.
That's sweet. You're worried about me driving.
Mm-mm. I'm worried about me. I'm a pedestrian.
(ELECTRICAL BUZZ) Ow!
Sorry. That's my sobriety monitor.
(ELECTRICAL BUZZ) Ow!
Sorry. Sorry. (CLEARS THROAT)
Ankle. Tracking bracelet.
Oh, wait. Wait. Sorry, just... (MOTOR RUMBLING)
Who put that on you? I did.
It's the only way I can have an orgasm.
Not tonight. (EXHALES)
(BED SPRINGS SQUEAKING)
What are you doing? Huh?
Just... warming up.
You sure we're alone here? Feels like there's somebody else in this house.
(SCREAM ECHOING) Did you hear that?
That's nothing.
(CREAKING) OK, what is that?
Just... unraveling the old hose.
Save it for tomorrow, Raul.
Si, senor.
(SOFT JAZZ PLAYING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(BELL DINGS)
(BELL DINGS)
(HORN HONKS)
Wow. That was amazing. (PANTING)
(HORSE WHINNIES)
(LINDSAY) Charlie.
Wow. Get out of here, Emilio.
(SHRIEK ECHOES) (GASPS)
(GROANING)
Charlie, I'm scared.
Lindsay, sweetie, there's nothing to be afraid of.
(SCREAMING)
(SHRIEKS) (CELL PHONE RINGING)
(MAN) Hey, I got the stuff. I got to call you back, man.
(GROANS) Ow!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
I think I better go.
Really? How about tomorrow? You busy?
(SCREAMING)
I'm going to blow you across the room.
Sounds awesome.
(HISSES) ' (GRUNTS)
(NARRATOR) And thus our story begins.
The large reward offered for the rescue of Charlie's kids drew the attention of police, private detectives and Red Cross volunteers.
Everyone was on high alert for these children, except these two guys.
No, man, Obamacare gives senior citizens access to cheaper dr*gs, free preventative care, and it closes the Medicare Part D loophole.
And how does that help if I get shampoo in my d*ck hole?
What? Mean to tell me you ain't never got shampoo in your pee hole? OK.
Maybe like once or twice. Yeah, once or twice when you was playing with yourself.
No, I wasn't playing with myself.
I was showering, and crazy got up in there.
Bullshit. Cam Newton's law of gravity is:
That thing must be up in order for that soap to go down.
Well, either way, that sh*t stings like hell.
Sting like a mother, man, it feel like it's a hornet up in there.
And he found out his girl be, you know, doing her thing with another man.
Exactly. I don't understand why the shampoo company can't fix that, man.
They got "No More Tears."
Why they can't make no more hornets in your d*ck?
I don't really think they expect you to use the No More Tears on your d*ck.
Well, why they call it Johnson & Johnson?
I got a better question, man. What the hell are two stoners doing wandering around these spooky-ass woods?
Look, it's going to be worth it. I told you... this is Humboldt County.
This is where all the growers grow their b*mb-ass sh*t.
You think they're gonna be cool with us just helping ourselves?
Look, man, we ain't taking no plants.
We're gonna snip a few buds. You know what I'm saying?
It's gonna grow back just like a lobster paw.
You know, that's how nature do.
I don't know, man. Just doesn't feel right.
Man, they ain't gonna care. Look, man, we're gonna be cool.
We're gonna roll one blunt, then we're gonna get up out of here.
Just one? Just one.
(MEN SHOUTING) (HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
They won't care, huh? Man, just keep running.
Holy sh*t. Is that a drone? They're going all Zero Dark Thirty on our ass.
(WHOOSHING) (SCREAMS)
Yo, I think they gone.
Oh, whoa. It's a cabin in the woods. We need to go hide over in there.
Nah, man, I'm not going in there.
It reminds me of a horror movie I once saw.
What horror movie? The one with the cabin in the woods.
Friday the 13th? No.
The one with the cabin in the woods.
Texas Chain Saw m*ssacre?
No, the one with the cabin in the woods.
The Ring. Uh-uh.
The one with the cabin in the woods. Blair Witch Project.
No, man, the one with the cabin in the woods.
The Munsters. That wasn't in the woods.
They wasn't even a damn movie. Look, man, we ain't got time for this sh*t right now.
We need to get to that cabin in the woods.
(GROANING)
(CREAKING) What the hell is that sound?
Sound like the house settling. It looked new.
I'm gonna take a look around. Go ahead.
Ah! What is that?
Ah! Oh!
(GROANS) Where we sh**ting? There.
Where? The dark!
There? No, this dark.
Over there.
Dude, what the hell was that?
Big-ass Alaskan king crab just ran up on me, man.
Crab? Cuz, we banging? Ja'Marcus, put the g*ns down, man. Put yours down first, homey.
All right, on three. One, two, three.
Damn. You want to try it again?
Sure. One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Uno, dos, tres.
Man, we could do this sh*t all day.
Truce? Truce.
Hey, yo, D'Andre. Look, homey. It's two little girls.
They're little r*cist girls, man. (GROWLING)
Wearing blackface. Cool with that?
Hey, little girl, what's your name? (GROWLING)
(MOCKING GROWL) (GROWLING)
What'd she say? She said, "I wonder what your leg tastes like." What? Ah, man!
Little spider girl bit me.
Maybe you're going to get superpowers.
Ain't no black superheroes. I'm on it.
' Hi-ya! ' (GRUNTS)
Yo. D'Andre, I think they're the missing kids from the news.
How can you be so sure? Look.
(D'ANDRE) I don't know, man. Well, if it is the missing kids, I'm gonna take that reward money, and I'm gonna buy me a yacht, fill it with cash, b*tches and a shark.
Why would you want to buy a shark?
Trust me... we're gonna need a shark.
No, this can't be right.
(BEEPING)
(GRUNTING)
(URINATING) (GROANING)
(RINGING)
Hi, Mom. (SHRIEKS)
I got to call you back.
No baby, no baby, no baby, no baby.
(BEEPING)
(FEMALE VOICE) You're pregnant... No!
...with anticipation over the outcome of this iPregnancy test, which has determined that you are...
You got to be kidding me.
Oh, no.
Not pregnant.
You dodged a b*llet, you lucky slut.
(SIGHS) Thank you, God. Sweet!
Great news: They found my brother's kids.
Oh, crap.
(MAN) We're very fortunate the older one, Kathy, has retained most of her vocabulary.
The baby hasn't actually said a word.
Why not? Because he's a baby.
They've been alone here over three long months.
I need to warn both of you that this is not going to be easy.
I'm ready for it.
Hello. No, no. Wrong window.
Here's where the children are.
(PANTING)
What is she doing? (MAN) In order to survive their extreme isolation, the girls created an imaginary guardian, a parent figure to feed them, sing to them. They call her Mama.
But these may help you break through.
And the Ritalin may help, as well.
The proper dosage for someone their age is...
Wish me luck.
(CHILD PANTING)
Hey, Lily.
Oh, how cute.
OK. Kathy.
It's OK, Kathy. Remember these?
You used to wear them to help you see better.
No, no, no!
Maybe we should get her some contacts... the soft kind.
Daddy?
No, sweetheart. Not Daddy.
I'm your Uncle Dan. Remember?
And this is Jody.
Jo...
Jody. No pause between "Jo" and "dy."
Jo...
Dan, we're at an impasse. I see constant conflict.
It's fine. They'll warm up to you.
(CHILD GROWLING) Oh!
Hey, hey, hey, little lady, that's not how...
You little mother...!
Well, everything checks out. They seem like good kids, Doc.
Just validate our parking. We'll take them home.
Folks, I wish it were that easy. You don't validate?
I'm saying the kids are not yours to take.
Well, you can't win them all. Let's skedaddle.
That's not fair. They're my brother Charlie's kids. We deserve them.
Do you? Your wife plays in a punk rock band, staying out all night long, high on dr*gs, sleeping with a different man every night.
I don't think the courts are gonna look upon that too favorably.
But... I was just messing with you.
The kids are yours. They are?
Did you hear that, honey? They're ours!
On one condition. This house is owned by the Institute for Case Studies.
Every room is fully wired with cameras.
If you move into the house, you get the kids.
Can't we just sell the house and put the kids in a high-end orphanage?
Jody, do you really think you're out out to be a mom?
Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
Of course she is. Dan!
Now, no more rock band, no more silly wig.
It's not silly. It's all a part of me.
And no more tattoos. What are you doing?
What I had to. We're a perfect suburban couple.
(NARRATOR) And so Dan and Jody headed to their new house with their new children.
But, like a slutty sorority girl returning from spring break, they were also bringing home a hidden evil.
(JODY) All right, kids, here's our new house.
And here's Uncle Dan.
Hi. Don't forget about mommy!
Dan, I'm not their mommy. They can call me Aunt Jody.
Or Jodes, J-Mom, Mrs. Sanders. (PANTING)
Or, if they really want to call me... Garage!
(DAN) Here comes Jody and Aidan, entering the house for the very first time.
This is where we're going to protect you and make sure nothing bad...
Oh, my God, Aidan! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Maybe we should put him in the carrier.
There, see, that's better. Come on, Aidan. What, what, what?
Relax, it's OK. Oh, my gosh.
Dan, I lost the baby! What?
Oh, my gosh, Aidan! Aidan, where are you?!
Aidan! (DAN) Where did you go?
Oh, there he is, OK. (SIGHING)
(DAN) Here's your sister Kathy.
Oh, Aidan, it's OK.
(DAN) You've just got to talk in a baby voice.
It doesn't even matter what you say. OK.
I'm your stepmommy.
I'm not your fricking mommy.
There you go, you're a natural. (SNIFFING)
What's that smell? (BABY GROANING)
(SCREAMING)
(DAN) Oh, my God, what do I do? Oh, oh! Here, this, hold on!
(SCREAMING) ' (KATHY) Uncle Dan!
' (DAN) Kathy! Oh, sorry, Ow!
All right, there you go, sweetie.
Is it chilly in here? I felt it as soon as I entered the room.
(DAN) Feels fine. Hey, what are these?
This is interesting. What is this?
I don't know, Mama drew that one.
Look, we drew this picture for Aidan.
See? It's Aidan on a rocket to the moon.
Oh. Sitting on a rocket. Where's Lily?
(GROWLING)
Oh, no, sweetie, the other end.
Ooh!
Let's go introduce Aidan to the rest of the family.
(SNIFFING)
(THUD)
Oh, and there's our furry family member.
(DAN) Yes, Maria. (JODY) No, Dan, Artie.
(DAN) Oh, yes, of course, our dog Artie.
Ay, the new baby. I make blessing. Oh.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
OK, OK, that's good, Maria.
Oh, my gosh.
(NARRATOR) With three new kids to care for, Dan really needed to start performing at work.
Unfortunately he was having some issues with a colleague.
(DAN) OK, Caesar, this is the one, I can feel it.
Eighty-one seconds? Oh, Caesar.
That's your worst time yet.
You're doing even worse on your creativity test.
I mean, look at all the imaginative things I made out of blocks.
Like this awesome plane.
(MAKING PLANE ENGINE SOUND)
(GRUNTS)
Dan, do you have any results yet?
Oh, well, I've been injecting the primates twice a day with the I-13 intelligence drug. I'm hoping in a week or so...
I hope Caesar is not just a big waste of time and money.
I'm the one responsible to the board. Just show me one thing positive.
Look. They still throw their sh*t.
(DAN) But now they can keep score.
(GRUNTING)
We have to kick-start this thing. When can we go to human trials?
We're close, but there's an intermediate step.
If the I-13 works on these reality wives...
You better check that sh*t. Who gonna check me, boo?
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTS)
(GRUNTS, SCREAMS)
We're pinning the future of our lab on wild beasts.
They're not beasts.
They have feelings, they have families.
Males pee standing up, females pee sitting down.
These apes are just like you.
And me... you and me, blacks and whites.
More like whites, of course. We whites are a lighter shade of ape whereas you are bla... dder infection, we're all at risk.
So, what were we talking about again? Vaginas.
Shut up. Yes, of course.
Caesar has got to show some human intelligence at that board meeting...
Caesar's probably smarter than half of those board members.
Dan... I know what you're going to say.
"If he's so smart, why is he in a cage?"
You're in the cage.
(BASS GUITAR PLAYING)
What?
Oh, you're looking for this? Uh-huh.
It's my ballerina doll.
You made this? Mama did, using twigs, moss, spiderwebs, sparrow bones, lizard eyes, all held together with rat droppings. Oh, geez.
(ELECTRICITY SURGING)
(SCREAMS)
(BASS NOTES PLAYING) (VOCALIZING)
(SCREAMS)
Ah, ah, ah. What... what are you doing?
I just can't deal with these kids. They're creepy.
We should just take 'em back.
Maybe you guys just need to find some common ground.
What about that ballerina doll Kathy's always playing with?
I don't want to talk about the ballet.
I saw what the ballet did to my mom.
She became obsessed.
She even danced the swan while she was pregnant with me.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)
Boo, ray, boo! Shh!
Shh. Hell. You better sit back before I punch you in your damn throat.
We're trying to enjoy the show.
You go on... shh... shh me again. I double-dog dare you, hell.
Better ask somebody who I am.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS) (GASPS)
(TUBA PLAYS NOTE) (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
Whoa! (AUDIENCE BOOING)
(TUBA SQUAWKS) (MAN) Got it.
Mom was never the same.
That's unlikely to ever happen again, ever.
Just give it a sh*t. Look what I found earlier.
I mean, I know it's just a local production.
But could be something for you and Kathy to talk about, could be fun.
You really think so? Yes.
Well, I suppose I could check it out.
OK. But the minute it becomes too difficult, I'm giving up.
That's the spirit.
(NARRATOR) Even though Jody only returned to the ballet to connect with the girls, as she got closer she couldn't help but get excited at the prospect of becoming the Swan Queen.
This season we open with "Swan Lake."
As you all know, this piece has the most challenging and demanding role in all of ballet... the Swan Queen.
(NARRATOR) Sizing up her competition, Jody knew the battle would be a tough one.
The white and the black.
Fortunately we have with us prima ballerina and the lead in my last 146 productions... Heather Darcy.
(CLAPPING)
Ah, the seasoned professional.
The still brilliant, crusty, old, weathered, leather-faced elder statesman of ballet to whom these young girls, less experienced, more beautiful and delicious, but still very raw ballerina hopefuls, look up.
Show these far more desirable children how it's done, huh?
Music! (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ON PIANO)
Try that thing where you are skipping and you hop and you spread your legs a little bit.
(JODY) Look at that form, that technique.
I'll never be that good.
I'm Jody, by the way.
Kendra.
Are you going to try out? Me?
Oh, I don't know. I mean, I like to dance, but I just...
I don't like to be the center of attention.
(MAN) OK, who's next? Oh, food.
Huh? (HIP-HOP PLAYS)
It is as if I am seeing ballet for the first time.
That's not ballet.
(MAN) The passion, the sensuality.
An ass that makes you want to crawl inside and take up residence.
I can show passion.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh.
(NARRATOR) Jody certainly had her work cut out for her.
That Kendra chick was smokin'.
Do you accept euros?
' (GROANING ECHOES) (POTS CLANG)
(LOUD CLANG)
Kathy, Lily, Aidan?
(SIGHS)
Jody? Ah! (SCREAMS)
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm fine.
It was on the floor.
Ah, probably a screw loose. I'll fix it.
I feel like there's something in this house.
Like what?
Like I feel hot, clammy, foul-smelling breath on my neck.
(SHUDDERS)
You need call psychic. k*ll bad spirits.
Ugh. No, Maria, enough of this stuff.
OK, then I do blessing, I protect house.
Honey, you really need to relax.
You're just stressed out about the children.
No, it's this house. I... I feel it.
And Maria's a little off. I mean, honestly do you really trust her?
Oh, honey, don't worry, she couldn't hurt a fly.
Look, you have a big day ahead of you tomorrow.
Let's just get you some sleep, OK?
Love you.
(DAN) I don't believe this... our whole house ransacked.
You leave the house unattended with the doors unlocked and look what happens.
They didn't take anything. It's just vandalism.
Every room except the kids' rooms was trashed.
So you suspect the kids?
It was Mama. Mama did it.
She hates this house. She hates you.
OK, Maria, this is camera. Necesito filming.
Thank you for helping me clean up, sweetie.
Oh, hey, been looking all over for this thing.
Still got it... (CHILD SCREAMS)
I'm sorry! God, help, honey!
Maria, honey, help! Geez! Maria, put the camera...
(JODY) Oh, look at this.
Mom coaching me when I was a little girl.
Aw... Always applying the guilt trip.
That got me the lead.
(BABY CRYING) (KATHY) Look, Maria.
Maria, look what I found. What is this?
Oh, uh, that's... a new type of electric toothbrush.
Vibrations knock the tartar off your teeth.
Look, a whole box of toothbrushes. (DAN) Whoa.
This black one is huge. OK.
And look, here's a double-sided one. All right.
And one that I can strap on to my face.
Nope. Put that over here.
Uncle Dan, what is this? Beaded floss?
That's grown-up floss, honey.
(GROANS) Graffiti!
Did you see this?
Who does that? What are we...? Maria.
Maria, por favor. (MARIA EXCLAIMS IN SPANISH)
Miss Jody, Miss Jody, you call this man... Mr. Blaine.
He helped my sister.
This is a psychic. Si, he'll help you.
No, what we really need are more security cameras.
Uncle Dan. You know, these toothbrushes look an awful lot like dildos.
Ow!
(GROANING, SCREAMING)
(SIREN BLARING)
(CHOKING, GAGGING)
(ELECTRICITY SURGING) (SCREAMING)
(SIREN WAILING)
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
(GIRL) This is fun, Mama.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
You're still awake?
All right, listen, guys, it's just us until Uncle Dan comes back from the hospital.
I don't like it, you don't like it, I don't like it.
Now go to sleep. I have to be up early for ballet tomorrow.
You really like ballet, don't you? Yeah, but I don't want you to go.
Why?
Mama says you're going to have an accident.
Oh, OK. Is this the same Mama who trashed the house?
Basically, yes.
(GROANING)
Don't go in there.
I wasn't going to.
Just don't.
It's my house, I can if I want.
I wouldn't.
Would. Wouldn't.
Would, too. Would not.
You know what? I'm the adult. You're not the boss of me.
Don't.
(GRUNTING) I told you not to let anyone in!
(FLATULENCE)
(SCREAMING) (CLATTERING)
(NARRATOR) And so Jody was...
Oh, my God, I just smelled that.
It just got to me, yeah.
And so Jody was...
Oh, no, I... I'm sorry, you have to excuse me.
I got to get some fresh air.
The next section should explain itself.
(VACUUM STARTS)
(MAN) All right, attention.
I do not wish to repeat myself.
I repeat, I do not wish to repeat myself.
I require the sweater I wear as a scarf.
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Ah. Comfortable, huh?
Mm... Mother, please, I am working.
All right, because Heather Darcy is so old, this season we will have a new Swan Queen, and that person is Jody Sanders.
Now, Jody, show us your routine.
No, I'm the Swan Queen.
Watch me. Ah...! (CRASH)
As I was saying, my choice for new...
(HEATHER) Her?! Anyone but her!
You might just as well have picked the janitor!
Me? (SWING JAZZ PLAYS)
Ira, please, not now. OK. What?
Yes, it was a difficult decision, but I have always been attracted to Jody.
How could I not? She has the body of a fifth-grade boy.
But in the event that she is unable to dance, I am naming as her understudy Kendra Brooks.
All right, that's lunch.
Ooh, this is a nice house. I'm gonna go find the girls.
Kathy, how did you know I was going to have an accident today at the ballet?
Mama told me.
OK, well, how did Mama know I was going to have an accident?
(WHOOSHING SOUND)
Oh, there you are. I found this bandage on my head.
Dan, please. I think there is something going on in this house, something about this Mama.
I'm gonna call the psychic Maria told us about.
Jody, do you really think we need a psychic?
(KATHY) Uncle Dan, come here.
Coming. I want to show you something.
Uncle Dan, Mama taught me some tricks. Look what I can do.
Oh, wow, that's really good, honey. (AIDAN) Dada.
(SHUDDERING) Good Lord.
Uncle Dan, look at me. Evil spirits.
Look, Mr. Dan, look.
Isn't that one of Jody's bathing suits?
You're facing something our human minds cannot imagine.
Mama. (DAN EXCLAIMS)
Let's get you in a robe.
Do you want to hear about the ballet today?
Mama's helping us get ready. Oh, OK, I'll brush, too.
Hm. Where did my toothbrush go?
(WHIMPERS)
Hey, we don't lick our balls in this house.
Sorry, won't happen again.
(NARRATOR) Try as she might, Jody just couldn't seem to connect with those kids.
Or get the taste of that toothbrush out of her mouth.
Was it just eight-year-old teen angst, or were there otherworldly forces at work here?
(GULPING)
(EERIE MOANING)
Baby. Hm?
Babe, I heard something. What?
I think there's someone in the kitchen.
See? There's nobody down here.
There it is again! Right there. Go look.
Jody, calm down. See, there's nothing to worry about. It's just...
(JODY SCREAMS) Oh, God! Geez!
(SCREAMING) (MICROWAVE BEEPS)
Dan, I'm calling the psychic!
Ah! Make the call! (DOORBELL RINGS)
Blaine Fulda, professional psychic.
Hi, I'm Jody.
Indeed you are. Yes. And this is my husband Dan.
Your payment as requested. $500 in unmarked bills.
(SNIFFS) And of course, you know Maria.
Hola, Mr. Blaine. Hi, Maria. How's your sister?
Dead. Demon k*ll her.
Well, that explains the unreturned phone calls.
I'm sensing evil.
I'm gonna have to get some of your personal belongings here, just so I can check for demon and ghost residue.
I'm not gonna be able to lift all those monitors, but I'll send my cousin tomorrow with the white van. He can get them in there.
Dan was att*cked by the kitchen last night.
We think it might be Mama. Kitchen att*ck?
You could've said that earlier.
If a room turns on you, it's either a ghost or a demon.
Can a demon take over someone? Like, live within them?
Damn, that's some scary sh*t.
So a demon is about the worst thing you can have?
No, ma'am, an STD is the worst thing that you can have.
Who do you know who wants to hurt you? Do you have a jealous colleague at work?
A Facebook friend you might have ignored?
Maybe you adopted a small African child named Ikatababwe, promising to feed this n*gga for 25 cents a day.
But then he needs something to drink!
Anyway, let's begin. OK.
This is the evil communicator.
When I put this on, I'll be able to cross over to the other side and confront the entity. That will immediately trigger the final $350 payment of child support to Tisha Fulda.
And if you guys would just join hands, close eyes and concentrate.
Empty your mind of all the thoughts of today's troubles.
Everything that went on, get that out of your mind.
This is all about the spirit world here.
And three, two and one.
(MOANING)
What's happening? Things are starting to move all by itself!
(JODY) Breathe! Breathe!
Wait, I don't think he can breathe! (DAN) He's a pro!
A sophisticated piece of equipment like that? Of course he can breathe.
(GASPING) sh*t, I couldn't breathe.
Almost k*lled myself. All right, I communicated.
It was definitely a demon. Oh, my God.
Wait a minute. I was wrong. It's a ghost.
So strong.
Ow! (GASPS)
(BLAINE) Help, it's got me! Dan!
Dan, wake up! Ma'am, you got to get out of here. It's evil! It's pure evil! It's Mama!
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Now do you believe that something's going on?
He got dragged away, yelling out, "Mama."
He got dragged away? I don't remember that.
Dan, you were unconscious. I don't remember that, either.
Look, honey, I don't want to argue.
The important thing is, we love each other, OK?
No, the important thing is that this Mama thing could be real and she might be trying to k*ll us.
Jod, that guy was a fraud and that's it. OK?
(INDISTINCT WHISPER) (CHILD'S SCREAM ECHOING)
What's that? My penis.
No. Yes.
(CHILD'S SCREAM ECHOING)
There, right now, there. I know. I'm trying.
What the hell is that? My penis?
(LOW GROWL) What's making that sound?
(ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
(CLANGING)
Dan, what is that?
MY penis.
(MARIA GASPING)
(GASPING)
(EXCLAIMING IN SPANISH)
(SNIFFING) Is that smoke?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Maria! What are you doing?! You're gonna burn down the house!
k*ll bad spirits!
What is going on? (COUGHS) Maria almost b*rned the house down.
What? That's it, she's got...
(CHANTING IN SPANISH)
Enough! This is getting out of hand. You're scaring everybody.
You can't fire her. I mean, she's been with us for years.
I don't know what to do.
That's discrimination. OK, now what the hell?
This is completely insane! It's what she believes in, honey!
Give me that!
(MARIA) You're gonna let me go?! Your family is not safe!
I'm sorry, Maria, it's just not working out.
I'll give you a recommendation, just nothing involving kids or within a mile of anyone's house. (SPEAKING SPANISH)
I can't do this anymore. I got to go to work.
I don't even understand what you're saying!
(CLANGS)
Ow!
(MAN) Ladies and gentlemen, for the past two years, our own Dan Sanders has been testing the I-13 compound on 30 apes.
Unfortunately, 29 of them turned into insane, aggressive, deviant sexual predators.
But one, Caesar, has experienced a huge leap in intelligence.
Here he plays three opponents.
Of course, they're apes.
But Caesar's superior capabilities are the work of one man.
The brains behind the I-13 project, Dan San...
Are you OK? I'm fine, Martin.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to Caesar...
You're not getting away from me!
Oof! (SCREECHING)
(GROANING)
(GRUNTS) Oh, no!
(ALARM SOUNDING) (APES SCREECHING)
(GASPS)
(SCREAMING)
Traffic is backed up on the Broad Street Bridge, where apparently police are battling dozens of apes in a running gunfight.
Our reports indicate that a scientist at a research laboratory gave these apes an experimental intelligence drug.
I'm being told that all available officers are now on the scene.
But at this time, we are advising all our viewers to find alternate routes.
I'm now being told we have the actual 911 call that first alerted the police to the situation.
(MAN) 911, what's your emergency? (PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(WOMAN) Oh, my God! Apes are inside the house!
(MAN) Calm down, ma'am. What happened?
(WOMAN) We were making love and... Oh, my God!
They're attacking him! (MAN) Who are they attacking, ma'am?
(WOMAN) Carl! Oh, my God! Please, help him!
(MAN) Where is your husband right now? (WOMAN) Carl's not my husband.
My husband's the anchor for Channel 12 News. He can't know about it.
(MAN) OK, ma'am, but we need to... (WOMAN) Hurry!
Send help while my husband's still on the air!
(MAN) Ma'am, that's not important. Your life is.
(WOMAN) Yeah, you're right. Why should he care?
I mean, I'm pretty sure he's been sleeping with his co-anchor, that bitch!
Oh, I'm gonna rip her...
(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
(KENDRA) Congratulations, girl.
I knew it was gonna be you. You're just so perfect, so mechanical.
Watching you dance is like watching a robot.
Thanks.
So hungry.
Mm.
Is that all? Pierre has a weight limit.
I'm too heavy. Look at Mara.
She looks great.
Look, are you sure you're OK?
Weird things have been happening at home.
Kathy said there was going to be an accident.
Then it happened to Heather. That's some serious sh*t.
You should talk to those kids.
Whoa, pizza.
I eat and eat and eat, and I don't gain a pound.
(JODY RETCHING)
(SIGHING)
(GASPING)
Heather!
You think you can replace me?
Well, we'll see how you like it once the swan consumes you!
Damn it!
Door!
Son of a bitch!
Oh, I didn't know you were such a good builder.
Wow.
Kathy, I want you to tell me about Mama.
Mama doesn't like it when you talk about her.
Who is Mama?
She was a woman who read from an evil book.
Sometimes she comes to us in a dream.
In a dream? (LOW NOTES SOUNDING)
In your dreams, of course.
I wish I could see what's inside your dreams.
(LOW NOTES SOUNDING)
To extract what's in your dreams. To perform an inception.
(LOW NOTES SOUNDING)
Will you drop that? That's my birth tuba.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hello. I'm Dom Kolb. You called about a dream extraction?
(JODY) Yes. I need to find out about an evil book.
Mm-hm.
This machine will allow us access to the dream world.
Let's begin.
So when do we start dreaming?
You never really remember the beginning of a dream, do you? I guess.
(RUMBLING) OK, then, this is your first lesson in shared dreaming. Stay calm.
Sorry. I dropped my phone in there.
You need to clear your subconscious. And watch what you think about.
Nothing crazy. Right.
Like having your crotch burst into flames.
(SCREAMING) (GASPS)
(GASPS)
(GASPS) What does that have to do with Ma...?
Hey! Oh.
Let's start over. (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)
I'm Jody Sanders.
Yes, my dear. I've been expecting you.
Please, come in.
They call me Christian Grey.
(SNIFFING)
How do you like my blue room?
It's red. Oh. I'm color-blind.
My decorator assured me that... Never mind.
Champagne? Mm.
(CLACKING)
Have a seat.
I'll stand.
Hey, Christian, man, golly, man! I'd like to thank you a lot, man, for working on my prostrate like it was a speed bag.
Yes, Michael, I must admit, I was surprised at your performance, as well.
Not bad for a washed-up, overweight, facially tattooed...
(GRUNTS)
Do it again.
(LAUGHS) Oh...!
I have no idea what that one was.
Me neither.
Mama, are you here?
(WOMAN) Dom, is that you? Oh, sh*t.
You said you'd had a dream that we'd grow old together.
Right. And we will.
What are you doing here? Hi.
How could you bring her here? What about our children?
They're not real. Yes, they are. Watch.
James, Phillippa!
Ew.
You're not gonna jump, are you?
I hadn't thought about that. Thank you.
(SCREAMING) (CRASHING)
OK, we're not getting anywhere.
What does any of this have to do with Kathy?
Kathy? I thought you were Kathy.
Oh.
"Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto." (GASPS)
(JODY SCREAMS, DISTORTED) What's happening to me?!
(GASPS,PANTING)
That must have been her. Mama.
She wants to take us home to the cliff.
What does that mean? I don't know.
But I trust you'll give me a favorable Yelp review?
(BARKING)
(NARRATOR) Jody's mission was clear.
The evil book that created Mama was located in the cellar of a cabin, in the woods.
If she could find that cabin, maybe she could find some answers.
If we can find that cabin, maybe we can find some answers.
OK, calm down. I'm gonna come over.
(ELECTRICITY SURGING)
Kendra? What?
(PANTING)
OK, wait, what's going on now?
I think she's out there!
OK, OK, just... you stay calm!
(FEMALE VOICE) Front door open.
She's in the house! Front door open.
OK, stay... Front door open.
Shut the hell up!
(FEMALE VOICE) No need for that, bitch.
Bitch?! (HIGH PITCHED SQUEAL) Front door open.
No, you did not just call me a bitch! Front door open...
(SCREAMING)
Honey? Dan?!
I am so sorry. I didn't know who you were and...
It's OK, honey, it was an accident. Right, Caesar?
And of course he can stay here. (DOORBELL RINGS)
Look at that. Caesar wants to help out around the house.
Aw.
Hey... (SCREAMING)
I'm sorry, I see an ape, I come out swinging.
That's understandable. (GRUNTING)
Here you go.
I am so glad you're OK, but tonight was a wake-up call.
I think we've got to find that cabin. OK. I got an idea.
Wait, we fired Maria. Who's gonna watch the kids?
I already took care of it. (DOORBELL RINGS)
Naughty Nanny's here. Nice to meet you, Naughty.
This is my wife Jody. Threesome? That costs extra.
Oh, Jesus. Monkey, too?
Oh, you people are freaks, but for an extra $100.
What agency did you call?
Oh, they have nurses and cheerleaders and nannies.
Dan, you called an escort service.
I used the same agency to book a Santa for Christmas.
Someone called for Santa?
Ho,ho,ho.
Dan, you're watching the kids.
(NARRATOR) Jody was nervous about what she might find at the cabin, but she was comforted by the fact that Caesar and the girls were in good hands.
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHING)
(GRUNTS) (THUD)
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
Who do you work for?
(HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS)
(JODY) Kendra, this isn't the cabin I was talking about.
(KENDRA) I know, I just thought you needed to relax.
Take one of these.
Um, I don't know.
Oh, come on, they'll only last a couple of hours, tops.
Kendra, I don't need dr*gs to have fun.
(SCREAMING)
Let me take a picture. OK.
Oh, that's so hot!
Yeah!
Yeah, ride it, yeah, yeah!
A dollar will make me holler, honey boo boo child.
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
(SHOUTING)
(ELECTRONIC POP MUSIC PLAYS)
Sorry. (MOUTHING)
(EXHALES)
(GASPS)
(BOTH GASP)
I don't always go downtown, but when I do, I drink a beer first.
I'm the king of the world! Woo! Woo!
(GRUNTS) I'm wicked hard!
(GRUNTING)
Mind if I play through?
(GLASS BREAKING) Ooh, sh*t!
Again? You son of a bitch, I'm gonna k*ll you!
(TRAIN HORN)
(FOG HORN SOUNDS)
(PANTING) Oh, my God, rehearsal. I'm late.
Oh, no, oh, my God, oh, my God. Oh, my God.
(PIANO PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC)
(APPLAUSE)
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Stop, stop! Oh, Jody, thank God you're here, girl.
I was just dancing and kissing him
'cause I didn't want him to think about you being late.
Well, I'm the dancer, so I'll do the kissing around here.
That was amazing.
I want you to have my children.
But, Papa, please, we want to stay with you.
Back in the car, Gaston. Aw...
She can't make you forget about me.
I overslept because you just took off this morning.
This morning? Yeah, you slept over.
What? Wait a minute, did you have some kind of lezzo dream fantasy about me? Don't act like you weren't there.
We had something special. We made love last night for hours.
What? Oh, and now you're gonna tell me Tiger Woods didn't come out of my vag*na?
(ALL SPITTING, GASPING)
Jody. (EXHALES, CHUCKLES)
What?!
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, that explains the poison ivy.
Jody?
There you are. Kendra?
Oh, the door was open so I let myself in.
It's OK. Look, I'm so sorry.
I really believed something happened between us last night.
I must have dreamt the whole thing. Oh, no, we had sex.
But this morning at rehearsal, you said...
I can't have the whole cast knowing my business.
I'm already doing half of 'em, and besides, me and Pierre... we have this little thing...
Wait, then, what's this?
Beats me... must have happened after I left.
Oh, yeah! Girl, you are freaky.
(MICROWAVE DINGS) Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, get it. Oh, my God.
(GROWLING) Oh, sh*t!
(CRASHING) See, I knew she was real.
(JODY) All right, let's find out where this cabin is.
(MUSIC PLAYS ON COMPUTER) Ugh!
(MUSIC PLAYS ON COMPUTER)
(LILY PANTING)
(KENDRA) What in the hell? (EXCLAIMS)
Bad girl. (WHIMPERING)
Oh, what is this?
(JODY) Oh, my God, it's the same cabin from the dream. Of course.
(KENDRA) So, what are we gonna do if we find that book?
(JODY) I don't know, if that's the book that turned Mama into what she is, maybe it could somehow reverse the curse.
OK, we're almost there.
Hey, I'm not going in there. We have to go inside.
The book is the key to the nightmare I'm living.
Oh, my gosh, who are you? I'm Jody and this is Kendra.
We're looking for something very important.
We all are. Come on in.
♪ Go tell it on the mountain
♪ Over the hills and everywhere Go...
Everybody, this is Jody and Kendra.
Hello, Jody and Kendra. Hi.
Pardon me for not standing, but I'm mending the wing of this bird that we found in the woods.
OK. Hi, we're in a hurry.
We're actually looking for a book that could save lives.
Yes, I've got it right here. Oh, thank God.
Thank him indeed. The Bible. Here, let me read to you.
Oh, no, no, see, we're actually looking for...
...the book of evil. I know evil all too well.
You do? This weekend's devoted to Mia.
It's a detox weekend.
She's hooked on energy sh*ts.
Oh, yeah, that's a real struggle.
OK, listen, we're looking for another book somewhere in this cabin. Hm. We haven't seen anything.
We gave it a sh*t, let's get out of here.
OK, wait.
Is there a cellar? (SCOFFS) Great.
There it is. Oh!
OK, I don't care what it says.
"The curse begins with four words.
Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto."
(SCREAMING)
(DISTORTED) You're all going to die tonight.
(SNORTING, COUGHING)
(NORMAL VOICE) You're all going to die tonight.
(SCREAMING) (BIRD COOING)
(JODY) "The curse ends with one word.
Adunda."
What the heck?
Why? (SOBBING) I don't have an arm.
For some reason I cut my tongue in half.
OK, well, let's at least finish the song. Everyone hold hands.
Except for Eric. Damn.
♪ Go tell it on the mountain
♪ Over the hills and everywhere Well, maybe we didn't do it right.
"Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto."
(SCREAMING)
"Adunda."
Why does this keep happening? Where's my arm?
Is this yours? That's a left.
That's mine. Could you hand it to me, please?
I need a right. Eric chainsawed it off.
Look, I'm sorry. My... My leg?
No, that's black. It's not mine.
Oh, sh*t. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
(SOBBING) Oh, cry me a river.
I'm gonna need a little help. I have to go to the bathroom.
My penis is in the corner. This is f*cked up.
Let me try.
"Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto."
Nothing again.
(SCREAMING)
You know what? Let's go. Wait, there's a door right here.
Let's go out this way.
OK, cool, we can avoid the weirdos upstairs.
(DISTORTED) ♪ We're gonna get you
3 Not another peep
(SHRIEKS)
(JODY, KENDRA) Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto. Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto.
(JODY) Kendra and I recited the Latin words over and over at the cabin and on the way home.
We must have said it a hundred times, but nothing happened.
What if it isn't the right book?
Maybe the curse has somehow been lifted.
(NARRATOR) Luckily for Dan and Jody, there was someone in the house who, thanks to the I-13 formula, had increased intelligence and superior cognitive ability.
His analytical problem-solving skills allowed him...
(BABY LAUGHING) ...to ascertain crucial information.
A marvel of modern-day science, his IQ had surpassed even the most...
Aw, hell.
(COOING)
(ECHOING GROAN)
(GROWLING, GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
Why did I think you could be intelligent?
You're nothing but a dumb animal.
Ow!
Idiot!
I can talk. (MAN) Hey, Caesar.
(GASPS) Steve?
Dan's got a mad demon in his house.
Matt Damon's in his house? No, a mad demon.
I love Matt Damon. Jason Bourne. (IMITATES g*nf*re)
Oy.
I should have known not to bring a wild animal into the house.
I'm... I'm so sorry.
But I believed in Caesar. I thought he was different.
There's something more to this.
I can feel it. No, he just... went crazy.
Forget it. But I still think Mama could be in this house.
But don't you... We just had a whole night go on without a single sign of anything. I guess.
I was just so scared last night for the kids.
You're coming around.
(JODY) Am I getting attached to them? (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)
(JODY) It's the cliff from the dream.
(DISTORTED VOICE) Get in the car now. Don't make me yell!
Unto thee, Satan, I sacrifice these children.
Return home to the cliff of... Holy sh*t!
(SCREAMING) (KATHY CRYING)
Home is at the cliff. Oh, my God. Girls!
Kathy. It's OK. I saw the cliff. I know what "home" means.
(GRUNTS) (SCREAMING)
(MOANING) (SCREAMING)
Whoa! (CRASH)
Come on, girls. Let's go get Aidan.
That's cool.
Lily! Come on.
Aidan! Are you OK? (SCREAMING)
Uncle Dan! Uncle Dan!
Mama! Mama! Mama!
(GROWLING) She's here!
Whoa. Girls, girls, girls. One at a time. Lily, you first.
(GROWLING)
Got it. Now Kathy.
Mama! Mama! She's here! She's gonna k*ll us!
How many times do I have to tell everyone there's no such thing as...
(SCREAMING). (ELECTRICITY SURGING)
(SCREAMING)
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
(CHUCKLES) Ow!
(GROANING)
Maria? What are you doing here?
I was angry you fire me, so I bake you this.
(FLIES BUZZING) A sh*t pie?
Uh, thanks, but... Hot dog?
No, that's still sh*t with mustard.
Maybe just a banana, then? Very much potassium.
So bueno, Mr. Dan.
No, I... I'm sorry. I should have listened to you...
Mr. Dan, we have our problems, but I always love you.
So much.
(MUFFLED GRUNTS)
When I see you, I see my father.
Dan. Dan, we have to...
Wait. What's going on here? I can explain.
There's no time. Mama has the girls. I know where she took them.
Got to go.
You remind me of my father.
(JODY) Dan!
(NARRATOR) Knowing the girls were in danger, Dan and Jody sped off, racing to get to the cliff they...
Oh, my God. What happened to the car?
Where...? Oh, there it is.
They were no longer able to sit idly by and let a ghost jump off a cliff, sacrificing their children with her. (DAN) Kathy! Lily!
Oh, my God. There they are. Kathy, Lily, stop!
(GRUNTING, GROWLING)
What do we do now? Um, I'll just...
...read from this and change her back to human.
(SCREAMING) (GROWLING)
Girls, run! Run! No.
No, not that way. Away from the cliff!
I'm not going to let Mama take you away again.
(WHISTLING) Hm?
Lily, stop! Come on. Come on. Here, girl. Come on, Lily.
Come on. Look. Oh, look. Yeah.
(SQUEALS) (PANTS)
Come on. Look. Oh, yeah. Lily.
Oh, wow. Yeah.
Oh, come on.
Enough! This is crazy.
Lily's not a dog. (WHIMPERS)
She's a beautiful little girl who I've grown to love.
I love all these children, Mama, even if they don't all love me.
Lily loves you, too, Jody. (LILY PANTING)
And they belong in this world with me and Dan.
Because they deserve parents who aren't decomposing.
Good girl.
(SQUEALING) All right, enough.
Where's the page? Damn it, I can't find it.
Forget it.
There, that worked. Maybe not.
(GROWLING)
(GROWLING) (HOWLING IN PAIN)
(SCREAMING)
(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)
(GROWLING) (SCREAMING)
Man, we need to stop smoking this sh*t.
Told you that shark was going to come in handy.
Thank you. Lily.
Honey, thank God you're all right.
Your cue is coming up. Oh, Kendra.
Look, it's OK, girl. Let's forget about what happened.
You are the Black Swan. No. It's you.
Throwing Mama off the cliff has really made me reevaluate my priorities.
My family comes first. You dance the Black Swan.
Because sometimes in life... OK.
(MAN) Introducing our new Swan Queen, Miss Kendra Brooks.
(ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
This is not ballet. No, it the hell ain't.
This some bullshit.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(YELLING)
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
That's what I'm talking about! Right? Right?
You know that sh*t, right?
(NARRATOR) And so our story ends.
If anything is to be learned from this, it's that mankind is a pathetic race and apes need to take over this planet.
Enjoy Earth while you still got it. (LAUGHING)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
Well, we'll see how you like it once the swan consumes you!
(LAUGHING QUIETLY) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
I cannot hold it that long. It's, like... it's so long.
(BLEEPING)
(GRUNTING, SCREAMING)
We're kissing.
' (LAUGHING) (MAN) Cut! Cut!
Cut! (LAUGHING)
We're kissing.
(LAUGHTER) (MAN) Cut!
(BANG) (GASPS)
(LAUGHTER)
What happened? (MAN) Guy was in the sh*t.
Ah. (MAN) Cut!
But was he dressed like a demon?
(MAN) Do the second "my penis" as a question.
OK. And then "my other penis" is a question also?
(MAN) Yeah. OK.
But remember, you're jumping to "What the hell is that?"
I know. I don't know why. You're jumping... Yeah.
There's just so many penises.
(MAN) Welcome to Hollywood. (LAUGHING)
I'm ready for it. Hey.
I'm OK with this.
That's the temporary nurses' shower.
And we're painting it. Cut.
That's the... temporary nurses' shower.
I'm OK with this.
Sorry, you guys. I...
I'm OK with this.
That's the nurses' temporary locker room, and we're repainting it.
' (LAUGHING) (MAN) Cut.
Ouch. Hello here!
(MAN) B mark!
And background. (MAN 2) Action!
Oh! (BLEEPING)
Jody! Thank God I caught you.
I forgot to tell you, now that you are the Swan Queen...
Suck my... (BLEEP)
I'll save you, Snoop Dogg.
My name ain't Snoop Dogg in this... (BLEEPING) movie, man!
(LAUGHING)
Well, I mean, I... Sh...
(LAUGHING)
Stop it!
We're good. We're good.
(MAN) Now prepare for a night of unparalleled passion.
Oh, wait, wait, Mr. Grey... The safe word is "deeper."
What? (WHIP CRACKS)
(SCREAMING)
(JODY) Damn! Ow!
Whoa!
What does all this have to do with the ballet?
Ballet? (CHUCKLES) Yes. Aren't you donating millions?
Millions? What...? I'm broke.
Every cent I have has been put into this room.
I don't know what I'm going to do. (SOBBING)
Oh, cry me a river.
I'm going to need a little help. I don't have a penis.
(LAUGHING)
It does not come off.
It does not come off. I'm sorry.
I'm getting tired of talking about this... (BLEEP)
In the woods with this man.
(BLEEP) ...man, we keep going in circles, talking about a... (BLEEP) man.
Let's talk about a... (BLEEP) man, or getting some... (BLEEP) getting some...
Talking about... (BLEEP) these two dudes in the woods.
If we had a... (BLEEP) here, she could wash our... (BLEEP) off right now.
You understand me? That's the way I would say it.
Hey, babe, check out this psychic's book for a clue.
It really freaks me out. Come on, there's nothing to be...
Nuh!
These books are all... (SCREAMS)
There's nothing to be scared... (SCREAMING)
...to be scared... (SCREAMING)
Oh, there's nothing to be scared...
Oh, wrong animal. (BLEEP)
...be scared... A dinosaur? (BLEEP)
What does this have to do with...?
(LAUGHING)
I know. Sorry.
(MAN) And... action!
What does this have to do with...? (LAUGHTER) Sorry.
You just keep cupping your boobs. OK, sorry.
OK, how do we know who's a witch?
Do they have a broom?
Do they have a pointy nose?
(ALL LAUGHING)
I'm... I'm going to pee my pants!
So, what, I didn't get the part?
Where's everybody going?
(SCORE PLAYING THROUGH HEADPHONES)
I just had the most bizarro dream.
Demons, apes, a ballet.
You have a very active subconscious.
Anyway, the idea took hold.
Lindsay Lohan's coming over to spend the night with you.
Awesome! (VEHICLE APPROACHING)
Scary Movie 5 (2013)
Moderator: Maskath3