Tales of Halloween (2015)

[bunniefuu]

Attention, all you trick-or-treaters, it's time to get your ghoul on, for tonight is All Hallow's Eve, my favorite time of the year.

Our little town really comes alive on October 31st, when witches and devils, imps and monsters roam our town.

As the holiday activities begin, the streets are filled with all kinds of creatures of the night.

Some wear masks to disguise their dark intentions, while others choose to hide in plain sight.

So warning to those of you collecting your treats and filling your bellies.

Keep your wits about you and don't forget to check your candy.

Hey, Mikey, slow down. You're gonna make yourself sick.

What'd I miss?

Just Mikey being a human garbage disposal.

I see.

Seriously, Mikey, you better save some for Sweet Tooth.

Who's Sweet Tooth?

About 50 years ago, Timothy Blake lived on this very street.

Timmy loved Halloween.

He loved to dress up. Most of all... he loved trick-or-treating.

But he was always sad when he had to go home.

But that's the best part. That's when you get to eat all the candy.

Not for Timmy.

See, Timmy's parents were really strict.

They would let him go out trick-or-treating, but... they never let him eat any of the candy.

They said eating candy would make him fat and lazy and rot his teeth.

Go to your room, son.

Why let him go trick-or-treating then if he couldn't have any candy?

What do they do with it all?

That's exactly what Timmy wanted to know.

So one Halloween, Timmy snuck downstairs to find out.

Where'd he get all this? Did you find it?

Suck on this!

There's my candy bar!

What did he do?

No!

No, no, no!

After he k*lled his parents, Timmy finally had his first piece of candy.

He was hooked.

He ate every last piece his parents hadn't.

But... What?

He wanted more.

But there wasn't any left.

Yes, there was.

No way.

Timmy ate all the candy he could find inside his parents, but...

What? He wanted more.

Now every Halloween, every single Halloween since, his evil spirit comes back trick-or-treating.

If you don't share your candy with him, he will come and take it, all of it, even the candy you've already eaten.

Anything to satisfy his sweet tooth.

Lizzy, is it true what Kyle said?

It was just a story, Mikey. He was just trying to scare you.

He's a douchebag.

Get some sleep.

As long as they have you...

What are you doing? Celebrating.

I think Mikey almost sh*t his pants. Thanks for the assist.

We'll be lucky if he gets any sleep tonight.

I think we might have taken it too far.

Come on, Liz. The Sweet Tooth story's a Halloween tradition.

Every kid in town falls for it. It's like a rite of passage.

I know, but you didn't have to be such a...

An awesome guy? A douchebag.

His words, not mine.

Peace offering?

Trick or treat.

Get out in that field. It could be a barn fire.

Oh, my God. I can't believe we ate it all.

I feel sick.

Wh... where you going?

I'm going to get some Pepto before we both get sick.

Better hurry.

You know we are going to have to get more candy.

Don't say the C-word.

Hit him in the head, right between the eyes.

Good sh*t.

Okay, he's dead. Let's go get him. That's another one for the fire.

Trick or treat.

Mikey?

I'm coming! I'm coming! Don't puke! Don't puke!

You gonna live?

You better get going. Mikey's parents will be home soon.

Kyle.

Kyle!

Trick or treat.

Lizzy! Mikey!

I'm too tired. I don't wanna drive her home.

I don't eith...

Jesus, Mikey. Don't yell at him tonight. It's Halloween.

I'm too drunk to yell at him. Trick or treat, by the way. Trick or treat.

Do you want a treat? Yes.

Do you want a treat from me? I want a trick first.

What about the babysitter? Okay, okay.

I'm gonna keep this thing on. I promise you that, okay?

Absolutely you can tuck me in.

They ate all of my candy.

I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

It's 3 p.m., and we're dressed like assholes.

I can talk you into anything I want dressed like this.

Gross! I'm right here. You mad that your sister took your costume?

How can you even breathe in that thing? It's 100 f*cking degrees outside.

You get used to it. Leave him alone. He likes his dorky outfit.

Oh, my God, Billy! I am an idiot. I totally forgot to ask.

Did your mother dress up this year? What?

Is your mother in a slutty costume like your sister?

Hey! What?

You remember your mom brought you to school in that Catwoman outfit one year?

We still talk about it. You're such a pig.

Can't we just go trick-or-treating? Is he special? It's not even dark yet.

Plus, I think it's time you do Halloween like the big kids.

Todd, don't. Do we have to do this every year?

Do what? Pranks. Do the tricks and get the treats.

With us, tonight. Billy, you love candy, right?

Yeah. And you also love Halloween.

'Cause you're dressed like a Ret*rded 6-year-old from Leave it to Beaver.

No offense.

But you know who doesn't love Halloween?

Your next-door neighbor. He has to watch you spaz out every year.

And does he even put up any decorations or leave the lights on or leave out a bowl of candy?

No way. Why would we egg anyone?

Why do you think kids tag his house every year?

It's been going on for as long as I can remember. It's a Halloween tradition.

It kind of is. I actually started when I was about your age too.

Plus, if you don't, I will tell everyone that you pissed your pants.

But I don't pee... No one else will know, Captain Pisspants.

Billy Captain Pisspants Billy Captain Pisspants...

But I don't pee in my pants. Really? Fine.

Go. Up there.

Oh, my God.

Oh, sh**t! Holy sh*t, run.

Oh, sh*t!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Nice costume.

I didn't... I mean, I had no idea.

No idea that what?

That you terrible children have been destroying my home for years?

He said... They told me it was a Halloween tradition to prank.

Quiet!

Young man... tonight... you are going to learn... what a real Halloween... prank... is.

By the way, Billy, is your mother dressing up again this year?

Yeah!

Ladies, Happy Halloween.

Boo! Boo!

Come on.

Happy Hallo... ween.

Candy rots your teeth. Can't have that, can we?

Don't forget to floss! What an assh*le.

Happy Halloween!

What the hell? Hey!

Billy, what the hell, man? Billy, you little sh*t!

What are you doing? Is that gasoline? Are you joking me?

What are you doing out here by yourself?

It's not funny! It is not funny!

Give me the candy!

Hold that. He's got a g*n!

That's it! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go! Get the trick-or-treater!

It's tight! Tight in the shirt!

It's a heart att*ck. Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Aren't you Adrianne Curry? Yes.

Might I have your autograph? Big fan, big fan!

Okay.

Thank you.

Adrianne Curry!

How many Twitter followers do you have? 500 thousand?

500 thousand and one.

Hit 'em, hit 'em, hit 'em! I want candy!

I guess we'll come back again.

Good going, little buddy!

Excellent work back there, Mordecai.

Now if you'd be so kind as to untie our guest.

What? I thought you were gonna show me what a real Halloween prank was.

Oh, I believe I did.

And I believe you'll find some visitors at your home.

Why don't you just run along now, little boy?

You know, your mother's going to have a lot more free time on her hands now.

I just want you to know that I plan to be here for her.

Freeze! Let me see your hands!

Get on the ground! Hands behind your head!

Don't you move. Did you just pee yourself?

He totally just peed himself! What the hell's wrong with you?

I wonder what happened to the ones from last year.

Each year we spend good money on these things, come out here, and the ones from last year's gone.

Flowers die. The caretaker or somebody takes them away.

Yeah, a little spit and polish will clean this up.

Hey, hey... check this one out. Awesome?

You're disgusting!

There's a movie on.

Trick or treat! Here you go.

Thank you! You look great.

Why are there so many pirates this year? It's like every other kid's got an eyepatch.

Maybe they're all missing eyes. You're so bad.

Bunch of gimpy kids with peg legs and patches.

Give me some candy, matey!

You're stupid.

Your turn. Man!

Go. Fine, fine, fine.

You're acting like a child! They're coming for you!

Look! There comes one of them now.

He'll hear you. Here he comes. I'm getting out.

Can you say trick-or-treat? Hey, there, princess.

What do you say?

That-a-girl.

Hey, you want some rum and cider?

No thanks. Cheers!

Bye.

Change your mind already?

It's a witch. Awesome.

Trick or treat?

Nelson, you're drunk. She's supposed to say that.

Dummy.

Trick or treat?

Trick.

Nelson.

Nelson? Nelson!

What's wrong? What happened? Oh, my God.

What's wrong?

Baby, baby! What? Oh, my...

What the f*ck?

It was the girl!

f*ck! f*ck! f*ck!

What the hell? What's wrong? I'll call 911!

We've gotta get to a hospital! What are you guys, f*cking idiots?

Give me my purse, and I'll get the car.

Nelson, stay with me, baby!

f*ck!

g*dd*mn it!

f*ck!

No.

Oh, my God! Oh, my f*cking God!

Where's the car?

What the f*ck happened? The little kid!

What? What is it?

Maria, she...

What? Oh, sh*t. Holy sh*t!

No.

Please don't. Please.

Happy Halloween, you f*cking sicko. No!

Now here's a tale for all you hood rats over there across town on the wrong side of the tracks.

Keep your heads up and your butts down

'cause the weak need all the help they can get when the wicked come out to ride on All Hallow's Eve.

No, no. Wait, wait, guys.

Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Wait.

Ain't you a little old for Halloween candy, Sheriff?

Show me piggy's trotters.

Please, Alice, please, please, please, please. Alice, please.

Alice, guys, hang on, hang on.

No, no, no, wait. Wait, wait.

I know you, stranger?

It spills the blood of the wicked where the wicked have harmed the weak.

Think you turned yourself into a monster with that suit, boy?

Mount up.

Mom?

Dad?

You'd be little Jimmy Henson.

They didn't do nothing to you.

Hold him down.

When the word is carved in flesh, the call is sent.

Return them to the location of their offense.

Punch him!

You know... it's kinda poetic, really.

You...

us...

together...

on All Hallow's Eve!

There are no monsters here.

Just me.

Spirits roam the earth tonight.

Do you know why wear costumes on Halloween?

It's so the dead won't know who's alive.

Their night. And while some of them like mingling with the living, there are others who don't like to be seen at all.

There's one ghost... who hates it more than any of the others.

Mary Bailey was laughed at her whole life.

She d*ed being bullied and unloved.

All because she had a d*sfigured face.

But now it's her turn to have the last laugh.

She comes back every Halloween to taunt the living and to laugh at them behind their backs.

So... just a word of warning tonight. If... you find yourself alone on the way back, and you hear an evil cackle and footsteps behind you, I wouldn't turn around... because if she finds you looking, when you least expect it, she's gonna take your eyes.

Very funny. Good one, you guys.

We never miss a chance to make you jump.

God bless 'em. You're all in on it?

Well, we couldn't resist. You scare so easily!

You're lucky it's Halloween.

Cheers, my baby.

Mom. Let's have a drink!

Are you good to drive?

Oh, yeah. I'm not that far, and I'm not that drunk.

What are you...

Are you still driving that piece of crap? I love that piece of crap.

Oh, bye, guys. Lovely party.

Thank you. Bye.

All right, well, thank you for coming to the Halloween party.

Come on, I know how much this means to you.

Well, all right.

Good night, Mom. Drive safe.

I will.

See you before next year. Yeah! Duh!

A song to get you to the other side of the witching hour.

Oh, God.

Oh, sh*t.

Okay.

Oh, come on.

sh*t!

Oh, God.

sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

Let's see.

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t.

Mary Bailey bullshit!

Don't look, don't look, don't look.

Baby, you scared Mommy! What are you doing?

What is it, Baby? What are you looking at?

Baby? Where you going?

Trick or treat!

Look at all those children out there.

It's not fair.

I know, honey.

But look.

Trick or treat.

What are you doing, Jack? I don't know. I thought...

Dressing our dog up like Rapunzel would make me forget that we don't have a child?

Gretel. What?

She's supposed to be Gretel, you know?

Like Hansel and Gretel?

Where is my child?

I couldn't give her what she wanted.

Where is my child?

Tonight we embrace the situation, Jack.

No hiding in the dark. We're gonna have fun.

We need to have fun.

This isn't gonna upset you, is it, honey?

Why would adorable children coming to our door upset me, Jack?

Trick or treat!

Well, hello, my little pretties.

And what are we supposed to be? Witch!

I'm the devil. Alien.

Oh, you are, are you? Pleasantries aside, I assume you're here for candy.

Yeah. Good!

Hansel here has lots of candy. But we've been using it to fatten him up, so I can eat him, just like I ate his little sister Gretel.

I ate her ear last, so she could hear herself be eaten.

Hansel?

Would you like some of mein candies?

Don't forget your line.

Trick or treat!

I ate her ear last, so she could hear me chew.

Maybe we should call it a night.

You know, go to bed early, forget about all this.

Why do you make me do it? I don't mean to.

Aren't they just so darn cute?

I could just eat them up.

I'm gonna make cookies!

Maybe we just have bad luck, Jack.

Or maybe I'm pregnant right now, and we just don't even know it.

Happy Halloween!

There, there. Are you lost, little one?

I can take you back to the sidewalk to help you look for your mother.

It's okay. You wanna come inside? It's safe in there.

Is this one yours?

Toby?

I told you not to run away like that.

Thank you.

What's wrong with me, Jack? Maybe people like us shouldn't have kids.

The things you do to me, the way you hurt me, I couldn't let you do that to a child.

I saw a doctor, and he made it so that I couldn't give you one.

I'm sorry.

You...

Please! No!

I'm melting!

Who dares disturb the sleep of the dead?

I'm guessing you guys.

What the hell?

That's enough. That's enough.

We need a little bit more black over on this.

What?

Hey, Dr. Cadaverino! How you doin'?

Would you turn the music down? What? I'm sorry. It's a little loud out here.

I would like you to turn the music down.

I'd like to help you out, but it's f*cking Halloween, you know! My favorite holiday.

It's a sacred holiday. Exactly! You get it, right?

Look at you, with that whole undead Dr. Nosferatu thing you got going on.

You really threw down with that, man. Look, you knew...

I have been doing this display exactly as-is for the past 20 years.

Yeah, we can tell. Would you please turn the music down?

And you, it's after dark. Close the dairy.

f*ck off, old man.

Dude, monster up! Don't be such a party pooper.

This is what's beautiful.

This is what's been lost because of you... and this.

I like what you did over there, man.

You're like a cute little kiddie show.

Like a spooky daycare.

Yeah! That's the spirit!

Hey, assh*le!

Of course you realize this means w*r.

No! Don't do it!

Fight, everybody!

Do you know what would perk up this candy-ass display?

Some m*therf*cking blood. No!

You got him! Kick his ass, man!

Hey, hey, I got 20 bucks on the scientist! 20 bucks! 20 bucks!

Yeah, baby!

Go, fucker, go!

Yeah! Get him, baby!

Come on! Come on!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight...

Oh, sh*t.

In olden days, on this night, it was believed that the veil between our world and the spirit world was at its thinnest.

So be careful.

However terrifying you might think you look, there's always something worse lurking out there.

And on Halloween, nothing is what it seems.

Please! No!

Help me!

Casey!

Please, no!

You don't have to do this! No! No!

No more.

Hi!

Hello.

Trick or treat.

Trick or treat. I don't know.

Trick or treat.

Trick or treat. Trick or treat.

Trick or treat.

Trick or treat. Trick or treat.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Trick or treat.

Are you kids still up, or are you tucked away in bed?

The night isn't over, and you're far from safe.

So here's a little something to keep you company.

Mask.

Why do I gotta be the princess?

'Cause we only have two masks, and I sure as sh*t ain't going as a princess.

Here he comes. Get ready.

Oh, boy... can you imagine what it's like to have your daddy as a millionaire?

Just dad... look at the spoiled little brat.

Robbing banks is one thing. I don't know about kidnapping.

Oh, my God. Seriously, Dutch.

Please don't give me that moral bullshit. We're not gonna hurt him.

And Rex Enterprise is gonna handle a measly ransom, believe me.

You know, if we're gonna do this, our window is right now.

We're never getting a better opportunity. Shut up. Just shut up! Let's just do this.

Let's just do this. All right.

Oh, you're such a cutie. I love your costume.

There you go. Have fun. Happy Halloween!

Trick or treat. Aren't you a little old for trick-or-treating?

You're never too old for sugar, mama. Get lost!

Hello, kid.

Don't scream, don't run. We won't hurt ya.

I'm not here to steal your f*cking candy, kid.

Well, I must say, that was... that's pretty easy.

Well, why wouldn't it be? It's a solid plan. Now for the fun part.

Hey, kid, you've done really good so far, so what we're gonna do right now is we're gonna call your daddy.

And if he asks to talk to you, I need you to say, "Hi, Daddy.

"I'm fine." Okay? Got it?

Hey!

Give me... Hey, behave. Behave.

Make the call.

Hello.

Jebediah Rex? Speaking.

Listen to me very carefully, Mr. Rex. We have your son.

If you ever want to see him alive again, you're gonna do exactly as I say.

You have Rusty?

That's right. For five million Benjamins, you get your precious Rusty back.

You've made a terrible mistake.

You're in no position to make threats, Mr. Rex.

You poor bastard, you have no idea what you've done.

No, I think I... Hello?

What the f*ck? Did he just hang up on me?

Call him back.

Okay.

Hello? Hello.

Why did you hang up on me?

Because we're negotiating the release of your son, Mr. Rex.

Not interested. Do not call this number again.

Okay, listen to me. I'm not playing around with you. What the f*ck?

Oh, sh*t.

Lock the door! Lock the door!

Come on out, kid.

I'm gonna count to five.

If your little punk ass doesn't come out, you're gonna be all kinds of sorry.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

All right, here we go.

Okay!

Get him off me! Get him off me! f*ck!

Oh, what the...

It's not a f*cking kid!

Oh, sh*t.

No, no, no.

No!

No! No, no! sh*t.

f*ck! Come on!

Hey, come on, kid, come on, kid.

f*ck!

I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you, you little sh*t!

What are we gonna do with this thing? Oh, I've got an idea.

Wait, I... f*ck, I can't...

I can't... I can't do this.

You can't do what? Are you kidding me?

My nuts were viciously assaulted by a monster, dude.

What kind of... What kind of a monster cries like that?

I'm just gonna check on him. I'm gonna check on him.

f*ck!

Problem solved.

Promise we'll never speak of this again. One, it's f*cking humiliating.

And two, I don't believe that I was f*cking there.

I agree. Let's just pretend like it never hap... What the hell?

What?

What is it?

What is it?

No.

Oh, no!

Hello. Hey, hello, it's me again.

Please take him back. I don't think so.

I'm begging you, please, take him back. He's your problem now.

Come on, man! Just name your price! Anything you want! Please!

Don't you get it? I'm finally free. It... showed up five years ago on Halloween night trick-or-treating and would not leave.

Let me ask you a question. Why the hell did you pretend like it was your son?

What were you thinking? He's not your son!

He's not your son! We've been held hostage this whole time.

What the f*ck? He'll never let you go, ever.

By the way, make sure you feed him, or he will eat.

Oh, he's gonna eat! Oh, that's great! Thanks! You're an assh*le!

Trick or treat, assh*le.

Okay, all right.

I say we drive till the sun comes up, and then we just drive a lot more.

f*ck this town. f*ck everybody in it.

f*ck kidnapping, bro, right? Amen to that, man.

Here you go, Dutch, you lazy bastard.

Sorry, princess, no strawberry shakes.

Ta-da! I give you my masterpiece.

Yeah, it's not bad.

We have to get ready for the party. I just gotta clean up in here.

Hurry up. Okay.

Honey, you ready?

Ray!

What the f*ck?

Ray!

Stop it! No!

No!

Ray!

No!

Detective McNally, am I glad you're here. So what have we got?

It's a nasty one. Apparently the husband got his head bitten clean off.

Bitten? By what? I don't know. An animal maybe?

The wife's pretty shook up, but she's inside with the sketch artist.

Oh, jeez.

Reminds me of the case of the man who stuck his head in a blender.

Talk about making a meal of it.

Has Forensic Bob seen this? He's all over it.

Where's the wife? She's through here.

Ma'am, my name's Detective McNally, and I want to assure you I will do everything within my power to bring this k*ller to justice.

Detective, you don't have the slightest idea of what you're dealing with.

This has to be a nightmare because what I saw in there is...

It's not possible.

All right, what have we got?

You're not going to believe this. Try me.

Nice work, Rembrandt.

How am I supposed to put out an APB on a pumpkin?

Detective? Yeah.

Captain wants to see you down at the station.

sh*t.

Wait for me, Kevin.

Hey, do not go knocking on strangers' doors until I'm there. Do you hear me?

Yes, Mom!

Mom!

Kevin?

Watch it, lady!

Kevin!

Hey!

McNally! McNally, get the f*ck in here!

Shut the door, shut the door.

Sit in the f*cking chair.

Rough day? I don't know. What do you think?

What's wrong with this f*cking picture?

It's Halloween, sir.

Bullshit. Bullshit!

Every year on Halloween, this town goes batshit crazy.

I mean, check these reports out.

We've got hysterical blindness, we got neighbors attacking neighbors, kids looting convenience stores.

There's even a f*cking report of a UFO.

I mean, this is bullshit, McNally.

You're just the man to fix this.

Just... get your butt out there and do the work

'cause if you don't, I'm going to boot you back to vice so fast, your head's gonna spin. Understood, Captain. I'm on it.

Good, good! Go bag me some of those horror freaks.

What the hell happened to you guys?

Some crazy kid ate a shitload of chocolate.

Yeah, and then he ate his babysitter.

Oh, the night. Oh, the mess.

McNally, check this out.

So... I measure the bite marks on the victim's body, and this is the thing, whatever bit that guy's head off had a mouth about this wide. Yeah. I can think of a few suspects.

Yeah, but then I ran the data through the computer to make a 3D model and this... is what it came up with. Look familiar?

Nice work, Bob. I owe you one.

Buy me a drink later? I'll think about it. I gotta go.

Greetings, ghouls.

Twelve bells means the witching hour is upon us.

That's when the weird, crazy, scary scale goes totally off the charts.

So lock your doors and hold onto your candy because Halloween is about to get real.

Dispatch to McNally.

Got a 10-34 on Union and Baker. Fire and medical are en route.

I don't know what's going on, but it sounds like a total clusterfuck.

Do you copy?

I'm on my way.

Holy sh*t!

sh*t.

McNally!

Nice timing. I thought you might need a hand.

Guess I owe you that drink now.

Let's go.

We have a warrant to search your premises.

Look, I'm in the middle of some important work here.

You can't just barge... Yes, I can.

I wouldn't argue with her. She's not in the mood.

I... guess you should come in.

So... Milo, show me where you grow these super pumpkins.

I can't just give away company secrets to anybody who walks through the... door.

I'll get some lights on. Quit stalling, Milo.

Oh, boy.

Holy sh*t.

What's the big deal?

Just a bunch of pumpkins.

The witching hour is over. Thanks for listening.

And until next year, Happy Halloween!