Love Actually (2003)

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Love Actually (2003)


[Man Narrating] Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport.

General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world ofhatred and greed, but I don't see that.

Seems to me that love is everywhere.

Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there.

Fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends.

When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages ofhate or revenge.

They were all messages oflove.

If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually... is all around.

♪♪ I feel it in my fingers ♪♪ ♪♪ I feel it in my toes ♪♪ ♪♪ I feel it in my toes, yeah ♪♪ - ♪♪ And so the...

♪♪ - I'm afraid you did it again, Bill.

[Sighs] It's just I know the old version so well, you know.

Well, we all do.

- That's why we're making the new version.

- Right, okay, let's go.

♪♪ I feel it in my fingers ♪♪
♪♪ In my fingers ♪♪
♪♪ I feel it in my toes ♪♪
♪♪ Love is all...

♪♪ Oh, f*ck!

Wank, bugger, sh1tting, arsehead and hole!

[Inhales Sharply] Start again.

♪♪ I feel it in my toes ♪♪
♪♪ Christmas is all around me ♪♪
♪♪ So my feeling grows ♪♪
♪♪ It's everywhere I go ♪♪
♪♪ Everywhere I go ♪♪
- ♪♪ So if you really love Christmas ♪♪
- ♪♪ Love Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ Come on and let it snow ♪♪
- ♪♪ Come on and let it snow ♪♪
- This is sh*t, isn't it?

Yep, solid gold sh*t, maestro.

God, I'm so late.

It's just round the corner.

You'll make it.

Are you sure...

you don't mind me going without you?

No, really.

I'm just feeling so rotten.

I love you.

I know.

I love you even when you're sick and look disgusting.

I know.

Now go, or you will actually miss it.

Right.

- Did I mention that I love you?

- Yes, you did.

Get out, loser.

Karen, it's me again.

I'm sorry, l...

I literally don't have anybody else to talk to.

Absolutely.

Horrible moment right now, though.

Can I call you back?

- Of course.

- Doesn't mean I'm not terribly concerned that your wife just d*ed.

Understood.

Uh, bugger off and call me later.

- So what's this big news, then?

- We've been given our parts in the nativity play.

[Gasps] And I'm the lobster.

The lobster?

Yeah.

In the nativity play?

Yeah.

First lobster.

There was more than one lobster present at the birth ofJesus?

Duh.

Best sandwiches in Britain.

Try my lovely nuts?

Beautiful muffin for a beautiful lady.

Morning, my future wife.

[Man] Okay, you can stop there?

Thanks.

Dave, I'm gonna need a couple of orange gels please, mate.

By the way, he introduced me as John, but actually everyone calls meJack.

Oh, fine.

Nice to meet you, Jack.

He got me right, though.

I'm justJudy.

Oh, great, JustJudy.

[Giggles] No surprises?

No surprises.

Not like the stag night?

Unlike the stag night.

Do you admit the Brazilian prostitutes were a mistake?

I do.

And it would have been much better if they'd not turned out to be men?

That is true.

Good luck, kiddo.

[Crowd Cheering] [Man] Prime Minister, over here.!

Thank you.

Welcome, Prime Minister.

[Moans] I must work on my wave.

How are you?

How are you feeling?

Um, cool, powerful.

Would you like to meet your household staff?

Yes, I would like that very much indeed.

Anything to put off actually running the country.

This is Terence.

He's in charge.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

I had an uncle called Terence once.

Hated him.

I think he was a pervert.

But I very much like the look of you.

[Chuckles] This is Pat.

Hello, Pat.

Good morning, sir.

I'm the housekeeper.

Oh, right.

Well, should be a lot easier with me than with the last lot.

No nappies, no teenagers, no scary wife.

And this is Natalie.

She's new, like you.

Hello, Natalie.

Hello, David.

I mean, sir.

sh*t, I can't believe I've just said that.

[Chuckles] And now I've gone and said "sh*t." Twice.

I'm so sorry, sir.

It's fine, it's fine.

You could have said "f*ck" and then we'd have been in real trouble.

Thank you, sir.

I did have an awful premonition I was gonna f*ck up on my first day.

Oh, piss it.

Right.

I'll go get my things.

And then let's fix the country, shall we?

Yeah, I can't see why not.

It's all right.

Did you see what I did?

Yes, I did.

Just went blah.

Hello there.

Yes, and I'm in here.

Okay, good.

Thank you.

[Sighs] Oh, no.

That is so inconvenient.

[Man] In the presence of God, Peter and Juliet have given their consent...

and made their marriage vows to each other.

They have declared their marriage by the giving and receiving of rings.

I therefore proclaim that they are husband and wife.

And you resisted the temptation for surprises?

Yeah, I'm mature now.

- ♪♪ Love, love, love ♪♪
- Did you do this?

Uh, no.

♪♪ [Organ] ♪♪ There's nothing you can do that can't be done ♪♪ Oh, it's...

♪♪ There's nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game ♪♪
♪♪ It's easy ♪♪
♪♪ All you need is love ♪♪ Hello.

What the hell are you doing here?

Oh, I just, uh, popped over to borrow some old CDs.

- The lady of the house let you in, did she?

- Uh, yeah.

- Lovely, obliging girl.

- Yeah.

I just thought I'd pop back before the reception, see if she's better.

This is good.

- Oh.

- Listen, um, I've been thinking.

I think perhaps we ought to take Mum out for her birthday on Friday.

What do you think?

I just feel we've been bad sons this year.

Okay.

Sounds fine.

A bit, you know, boring, but fine.

Hurry up, big boy.

I'm naked and I want you at least twice beforeJamie gets home.

[Whimpers] [Girl] I am so happy to see you guys.

Delicious delicacy?

Uh, no, thanks.

Taste expl*si*n?

Food?

No, thanks.

Yeah, a bit dodgy, isn't it?

Looks like a dead baby's finger.

Eew.

Oh, yeah, tastes like it too.

I'm Colin, by the way.

I'm Nancy.

Wicked.

And what do you do, Nancy?

I'm a cook.

Ever do weddings?

Yes, I do.

They should have asked you to do this one.

They did.

God, I wish you hadn't have turned it down.

I didn't.

[Nervous Laugh] Right.

I have just worked out why I can never find true love.

Why's that?

English girls.

They're stuck up, you see.

And I am primarily attractive to girls who are, you know, cooler, game for a laugh.

Like American girls.

So I should just go to America.

I would get a girlfriend there instantly.

What do you think?

I think it's crap, Colin.

No, that's where you're wrong.

American girls would seriously dig me with my cute British accent.

- You don't have a cute British accent.

- Yes, I do!

I'm going to America.

Colin.

You're a lonely, ugly arsehole and you must accept it.

Never.

I am Colin, God of Sex.

I'm just on the wrong continent, that's all.

A bit of quiet while we finish the lighting, guys.

I tell you, I thought I was never gonna make it here today.

The traffic was just...

Oh, unbelievable.

Judy, um, could you take the top off this time?

Lighting and camera need to know when we're actually gonna see the, um, nipples and when we're not.

Yes, okay.

Right.

Well, at least it's nice and warm in here.

It's not always the case, is it?

I was standing in for Brad Pitt once on, you know, Seven Years In Tibet.

Yes, yeah.

Bloody freezing, right...

Yeah, sorry, guys.

Time's pretty tight and we have to get the actors in.

Fine.

I promise I won't look.

[Man Over P.A.] Right, let's have another look at that then, please.

Okay.

And Jerry says if you could just put your hands on her breasts.

Oh, right, okay, yeah.

Is that all right?

Yes.

Yeah, fine.

I'll warm 'em up.

Right.

And massage them, please.

Right.

It's Junction 13 that's just m*rder, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Total gridlock this morning.

Jo and I had a lot of time to prepare for this moment.

Some of her, uh, requests, uh, for instance, that I should bring Claudia Schiffer as my date to the funeral...

I was confident she expected me to ignore.

But others she was pretty damn clear about.

When she first mentioned what's about to happen, I said, "Over my dead body." And she said, "No, Daniel, over mine." And, uh, as usual, my darling girl... and Sam's darling mum, was right.

So she's going to say her final farewell to you, not through me, but inevitably... ever so coolly... through the immortal genius of the Bay City Rollers.

Do you love him?

Uh, what?

No, I just thought I'd ask the blunt question in case it was the right one and you needed someone to talk to about it.

And no one had ever asked you, so you'd never been able to talk about it even though you might have wanted to.

No, no.

No is the answer.

Absolutely not.

So, that's a no then?

Yes.

Um...

This D.J., what do you reckon?

The worst in history?

Probably.

I think it all hangs on the next song.

Now here's one for the lovers.

That's quite a few of you.

I shouldn't be surprised and a half.

He's done it.

It's official.

Worst D.J.

In the world.

Sarah is waiting for you.

Oh, yes, of course.

Um...

Great.

Uh, good, good.

How are you doing, Mia?

Are you settling in fine, learning who to avoid?

Absolutely.

Harry?

Sarah, switch off your phone... and, um, tell me exactly how long it is that you've been working here.

Um...

Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, what, two hours?

And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?

[Nervous Chuckle] Um...

Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, an hour and 30 minutes.

Thought as much.

Do you think everybody knows?

Yes.

Do you think Karl knows?

Yes.

Oh, that is... that is bad news.

Well, I just thought that maybe the time had come to do something about it.

Like what?

Invite him out for a drink, and then after about 20 minutes, casually drop into the conversation the fact that you'd like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies.

You know that?

Yes.

And so does Karl.

Think about it, for all our sakes.

It's Christmas.

Certainly.

Excellent.

Will do.

Thanks, boss.

Hi, Sarah.

Hi, Karl.

Excuse me.

[Man Over Radio] ♪♪ Come on and let it show ♪♪
[Cell Phone Ringing] Babe.

Absolutely.

Fire away.

Mia?

Mia, could you turn that down?

What is that?

And that was the Christmas effort by the once-great Billy Mack.

Oh, dear me, how are the mighty fallen.

I could safely put my hand up my arse and say that is the worst record I've heard this century.

Oh, and coincidentally, I believe Billy will be...

a guest on my friend Mike's show in a few minutes'time.

Welcome back, Bill.

So, Billy, welcome back to the airwaves.

New Christmas single, cover of"Love Is All Around." Except we've changed the word "love" to "Christmas." Yes.

Uh, is that an important message to you, Bill?

Not really, Mike.

Christmas is a time for people with someone they love in their lives.

- And that's not you?

- That's not me, Michael.

When I was young and successful, I was greedy and foolish.

And now I'm left with no one, wrinkled and alone.

Wow.

Um, thanks for that, Bill.

- For what?

- Well, for actually giving a real answer to a question.

Doesn't often happen here at Radio Watford, I can tell you.

- Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth.

- Uh, best shag you ever had?

- Britney Spears.

- Wow.

No, only kidding.

She was rubbish.

Okay.

Um, here's one.

How do you think... the new record compares to your old classic stuff?

Oh, come on, Mikey.

You know as well as I do the record's crap.

[Chuckling] But wouldn't it be great if number one this Christmas wasn't some smug teenager, but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price?

All those young popsters, come Christmas Day, they'll be stretched out naked with a cute bird balancing on their balls.

And I'll be stuck in some dingy flat with me manager, Joe, ugliest man in the world.

f*cking miserable because our f*cking gamble didn't pay off.

So if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record.

And particularly enjoy the incredible crassness of the moment...

when we try to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line.

"Come on and let it snow." Ouch!

So, uh, here it is one more time.

The dark horse for this year's Christmas number one, "Christmas Is All Around." Is the new Prime Minister in trouble already?

Okay, what's next?

The president's visit.

Ah, yes, yes.

I fear this is going to be a difficult one to play.

Alex?

There's a very strong feeling in the party... we mustn't allow ourselves to be bullied from pillar to post like the last government.

Hear.

Hear.

This is our first really important test.

Let's take a stand.

Right.

Right.

I understand that, but I have decided... not to.

Not this time.

We will, of course, try to be clever, but let's not forget that America is the most powerful country in the world.

I'm not gonna act like a petulant child.

Who do you have to screw round here to get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit?

[All Chuckling] Right.

[Knocking] Yeah, come in.

These have just come through from the Treasury.

- Uh-huh.

- And these are for you.

- Excellent.

Thanks a lot.

- I was hoping you'd win.

Not that I wouldn't have been nice to the other bloke too.

Just always given him the boring biscuits with no chocolate.

Thanks very much.

Thanks, Natalie.

Oh God.

Come on.

Get a grip.

You're the prime minister, for God's sake.

[Man] Raise the lamp a bit.

So, what do you reckon to our new prime minister, then?

Oh, I like him.

I can't understand why he's not married, though.

Well, you know the type.

He's, uh, married to his job.

Either that or gay as a picnic basket.

[Chuckles] Um, excuse me.

Judy, if you could just lower the nipples and cheat them a bit to the left.

Okay.

You know, I have to say, Judy, this is a real pleasure.

It's lovely to find someone I can actually chat to.

Thank you.

Uh, well, you know.

And ditto.

Thank you.

- And the move again, please, Judy.

- Oh.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Are you all right?

Yeah, fine.

Exciting news.

What?

I've bought a ticket to the States.

I'm off in three weeks.

No!

Yes!

To a fantastic place called Wisconsin.

No!

Yes!

Wisconsin babes.

[Honking Horn] Here comes Sir Colin!

No, Col.

There are a few babes in America, I grant you, but they're already going out with rich, attractive guys.

Now, Tone, you're just jealous.

You know perfectly well that any bar anywhere in America... contains ten girls more beautiful... and more likely to have sex with me than the whole of the United Kingdom.

That is total bollocks.

You've actually gone mad now.

No, I'm wise.

Stateside, I am Prince William without the weird family.

No, Colin, no!

Yes!

Nyet.!

Da.!

Nein.!

Ja, darling.

Right, the Christmas party.

Not my favorite night of the year... and your unhappy job to organize.

Tell me.

Well, it's basic, really.

Find a venue, over order on the drinks, bulk buy the guacamole... and advise the girls to avoid Kevin if they want their breasts un-f*ndled.

Wives and family and stuff?

Yes.

I mean, not children, but their wives and girlfriends, et cetera.

Oh, Christ, you haven't got some horrible six-foot, tight-T-shirt-wearing boyfriend you'll be bringing, have you?

No.

I'll just be hanging around the mistletoe... hoping to be kissed.

Really?

Right.

He now spends all the time in his room.

I mean, he'll be up there now.

There's nothing unusual about that.

My horrid son...

Bernard?

Bernard stays in his room all the time.

Thank goodness.

Yeah, but, Karen, this is all the time.

I'm afraid that there's something really wrong, you know?

I mean, clearly it's about his mum, but Christ, he... he might be injecting heroin into his eyeballs for all I know.

At the age of 11?

Well, maybe not his eyeballs, then.

Maybejust his veins.

You see, the problem is, it was his mum who always used to talk to him, you know and...

I don't know, the whole stepfather thing... seems suddenly to somehow matter like it never did before.

Listen, it was always going to be a totally sh*t time.

Just be patient.

And maybe check the room for needles.

And then when he sometimes does come out, it's obvious he's been crying.

[Sobs] It's just such a ridiculous waste.

And then if it's going to ruin Sam's life as well...

I just don't know.

Get a grip.

People hate sissies.

No one's ever gonna shag you if you cry all the time.

Yeah, absolutely.

Helpful.

So, what's the problem, Samuel?

Is it just Mum, or is it something else, huh?

Maybe... school?

Are you being bullied?

Or is it something worse?

Can you give me any clues at all?

You really want to know?

I really want to know.

Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?

Even if that's the case, yeah.

Okay.

Well, the truth is, actually, I'm in love.

Sorry?

I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am, but the truth is I'm in love, and I was before she d*ed, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Aren't you a bit young to be in love?

No.

Oh, well, okay, right.

Well, I mean, I'm a little relieved.

Why?

Well, because I thought it would be something worse.

Worse than the total agony of being in love?

Um...

No, you're right.

Yeah, total agony.

- Night, Sarah.

- Night, Karl.

[Door Opening] [Cell Phone Ringing] Yeah?

Absolutely.

Free as a bird.

Fire away.

Alone again.

Naturally.

I'll deal with it in the morning.

Right.

Ah, Natalie.

Sir.

Thanks.

Natalie.

Um, I'm starting to feel... uncomfortable about us working in such close proximity every day... and me knowing so little about you.

It seems, uh...

It seems elitist and wrong.

Well, there's not much to know.

Well, um, where do you live, for instance?

Wandsworth.

The dodgy end.

Ah, my sister lives in Wandsworth.

Oh.

Yeah.

So which exactly is the "dodgy end"?

Right at the end of the high street.

Harris Street.

Near the Queen's Head.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, that is dodgy.

- [Chuckles] Um, and, uh, you live with your husband... uh, boyfriend... three illegitimate but charming children?

No, I've, um, just split up with my boyfriend actually, so I'm back with my mum and dad for a while.

Ah.

Sorry.

No, it's fine.

I'm well sh*t of him.

- He said I was getting fat.

- I beg your pardon?

He said no one's gonna fancy a girl with thighs the size ofbig tree trunks.

Not a nice guy, actually, in the end.

Ah.

You know, um, being prime minister, I could just have him m*rder*d.

[Chuckles] Thank you, sir.

I'll think about it.

Do.

The S.A.S.

Are absolutely charming.

Ruthless trained K*llers are just a phone call away.

Oh, God.

You have this kind of problem?

Yeah, course you did, you saucy minx.

So, let's go.

We can definitely cr*ck this.

Remember, I was a kid once too.

So come on.

It's someone at school.

Right?

Yeah.

Uh-huh, good, good.

And what does she...

he... feel about you?

She doesn't even know my name.

And even if she did, she'd despise me.

She's the coolest girl in school, and everyone worships her because she's heaven.

Good.

Good.

Well, basically you're f*cked, aren't you?

Hi there, and welcome back.

So, Billy, three weeks till Christmas.

Looks like the real competition is gonna be Blue.

Yeah.

I saw them on the show last week.

They weren't very nice about my record.

No, little scamps.

But very, very talented musicians.

Yeah.

Uh, Billy, I understand you've got a prize for our competition winners.

Yes, I have, Ant or Dec.

It's a personalized felt-tip pen.

Oh, great.

It's brilliant.

It even writes on glass.

So if you've got a framed picture like, for instance, this one of Blue, you can just write on it.

- [Dec] Uh, a lot ofkids watching, Billy.

- [Billy] Oh, yeah.

Hiya, kids.

Here's an important message from your Uncle Bill.

Don't buy dr*gs.

Become a pop star, and they give you them for free.

And I do believe, uh, it's a commercial break, thank goodness.

We'll see you soon.

Bye-bye.

Oh, look at him.

Eew!

Just a minute.

Actually, they're not funny.

They're art.

[Laughing] Okay, let's say, uh, Thursday, my place?

[Peter] Great.

But for now, I've gotJuliet on the other line.

Can I patch you through?

She wants to ask you a favor.

Okay, fine.

Thanks and, uh, be nice.

I'm... I'm always nice.

You know what I mean, Marky.

Be friendly.

I'm always...

[Juliet] Mark?

Hi.

How was the honeymoon?

Oh, it was great.

And thanks for the gorgeous send-off.

So, what can I do for you?

It's only a tiny favor.

I've just tried the wedding video and it's a complete disaster.

It's come out all blue and wibbly.

Oh, I'm sorry.

And I remember you filming a lot in the day, and I just wondered if I could look at your stuff.

Oh, no.

Look, to be honest, I didn't really, you know...

Please?

All I want is just one sh*t of me in a wedding dress that isn't bright turquoise.

Okay, I'll have a look, but to be honest, I'm pretty sure I wiped it.

So don't get any hopes up.

Must go.

[Line Disconnects] Any progress with our matchmaking plans?

No.

I've done f*ck all and never will because he's too good for me.

How true.

Ouch.

Stop.

[Ringing] And, of course, your mobile goes.

Hello, hi.

How are you doing?

So, how's the Christmas party going?

Good.

I think I've found a venue.

Friend of mine works there.

- What's it like?

- Good, good.

It's an art gallery.

Full of dark corners for doing dark deeds.

[Chuckles] Right.

Good.

Well, I suppose I should take a look at it or something.

You should.

[Typewriter Keys Clacking] [Bell Jingling] Ah, bonjour, Eleonore.

Bonjour, Monsieur Bennett.

Welcome back.

And this year you bring a lady guest?

Uh, no, there's a change of situation.

It's just me.

Oh.

Am I sad or not sad?

Well, I think you're not surprised.

And you stay here till Christmas?

Yeah, yeah.

Good.

Well, I find you a perfect lady to clean the house.

This is Aurelia.

Ah.

Uh, bonjour, Aurelia.

Bonjour.

[Speaking Broken French] Uh, unfortunately she cannot speak French, just like you.

- She's Portuguese.

- Ah, ah.

Bon giorno.

Eusebio.

Uh, uh, molto bueno.

I think she's ten years too young to remember there was a footballer called Eusebio.

And the "molto bueno" is Spanish.

Right, right.

Uh, well, anyways, it's nice to meet you.

And...

Perhaps you can drive her home at the end of her work.

Oh, absolutely.

"Con grande, uh, presoro." Which is what?

Turkish?

Bello.

Uh, bella.

Uh, montagna.

"Arvarez." No, right.

Silence is golden.

As the Tremeloes said.

Clever guys.

Although I think the original version was by, uh, Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons.

Great...

Great...

Great band.

♪♪ [Humming] Oh, shut up.

[Reporters Clamoring] Mr.

President, welcome.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Come on through.

I'm sorry your wife couldn't make it, by the way.

Oh, so is she.

Although she would have been kind of lonely, I'm sure.

Yes.

Pathetic, isn't it?

Just, uh, never been able to tie a girl down.

I'm not sure that politics and dating really go together.

Really?

I've never found that.

Well, difference is you're still sickeningly handsome, whereas I look increasingly like my Aunt Mildred.

I'm very jealous of your plane, by the way.

Thank you.

We love that thing, I'll tell you.

Ah, Natalie.

Hi.

Morning, ma'am.

How's your day so far?

[Chuckles] Excellent.

[Sighs] My goodness, that's a pretty little son of a bitch right there.

Did you see those pipes?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, she's terrific... at her job.

No, absolutely not.

We cannot and will not consult on that either.

- That is unexpected.

- Well, it shouldn't be.

The last administration made it perfectly clear.

We're just being consistent with their policies.

Well, with all respect, sir, they were bad policies.

Right, thanks, Alex.

I don't think we're making progress here.

Let's, um, move on, shall we?

Well, now, that was, uh, an interesting day.

Sorry if our line was firm, but there's no point in tiptoeing around today... and then just disappointing you for four years.

I mean, I have plans and I plan to see them through.

Absolutely.

Now, there is one final thing I think we should look at.

It's very close to my heart.

If you just give me a second.

I'll give you anything you ask for, as long as it's not something I don't wanna give.

Hi.

Pathetic!

It's great scotch.

[Natalie] I'll, um...

I'll be going then.

Uh, Natalie.

I hope to see much more of you as our two great countries work toward a better future.

Thank you, sir.

[Camera Shutters Clicking] Uh, yes, Peter.

Mr. President, uh, has it been a good visit?

Very satisfactory indeed.

We, uh, got what we came for, and our special relationship is still very special.

And Prime Minister?

I love that word "relationship." Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it?

I fear that this has become a bad relationship.

A relationship based on the president taking exactly what he wants... and casually ignoring all those things... that really matter to, um, Britain.

We may be a small country, but we're a great one too.

The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter, [Chuckling] David Beckham's right foot.

David Beckham's left foot, come to that.

And a friend who bullies us... is no longer a friend.

And since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward I will be prepared to be much stronger.

And the president should be prepared for that.

[Reporters Clamoring] Mr.

President.

Mr.

President.

Joe.

It's your sister on line four.

All right.

Uh, yes, I'm very busy and important.

How can I help you?

Have you gone completely insane?

Well, you can't be sensible all the time.

You can if you're prime minister.

- Oh, dear, it's the Chancellor of the Exchequer on the other line.

- No, it isn't.

I'll call you back.

No, you won't.

You're...

The trouble with being the prime minister's sister is it does put your life into rather harsh perspective.

What did my brother do today?

He stood up and fought for his country.

And what did I do?

What is this we're listening to?

Joni Mitchell.

I can't believe you still listen toJoni Mitchell.

I love her, and true love lasts a lifetime.

Joni Mitchell is the woman who taught your cold English wife how to feel.

Did she?

Oh, well, that's good.

I must write to her sometime and say thanks.

Now, which doll shall we give Daisy's little friend Emily?

The one that looks like a tr*nsv*stite or the one that looks like a dominatrix?

[Woman Over Radio] It's almost enough to make you feel patriotic.

So here's one for our arse-kicking prime minister.

I think he'll enjoy this.

A golden oldie for a golden oldie.

Can we move theJapanese ambassador to 4:00 tomorrow?

- Certainly, sir.

- Terrific.

Thanks so much.

Um, would you like the last, uh...

No?

That's all right.

More for me.

I'm very lucky.

I've got one of those constitutions where I never put on weight.

[Phone Ringing] Oh.

Hello?

[Ringing Continues] Oop.

Sorry.

Hello?

Thank you.

Ah, no!

- [Speaking Portuguese] - Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, God, it's half the book.

Oh, no.

Just...Just leave them.!

Please.!

They're not important.!

They're not worth it.!

Uh, stop.

Stop.

[Shudders] It's all just rubbish!

Just leave it.

- Oh, God, she's in.

- [Gasps] Right, and now she'll think I'm a total spaz if I don't go in too.

f*ck!

It's freezing!

f*ck!

It's not worth it, you know.

This isn't bloody Shakespeare.

Just stop, stop.

I really must do copies.

You know, there'd better not be eels in here.

I can't stand eels.

Oh, God!

What the hell is that?

[Panting, Chuckles] [Chuckles] Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I know.

I'll name one of the characters after you.

Or, um...

[Laughing] Or, um, uh, romance?

Ah-ah!

Ah, yes, it's, um, uh...

[Imitating Kn*fe Slicing] Yes, uh, s, crime.

Crime.

Uh, m*rder, you know.

Uh, scary?

Uh, yes, sometimes scary.

And, uh, sometimes not.

Mainly scary how bad the writing is.

Ah.

Uh, sure, sure.

It's my favorite time of day... driving you.

Oh.

[Woman On Radio] And coming up later this morning, it's this guy.

Do not switch off.

[TVShuts Off] Banoffee pie?

No, thanks.

Thank God.

You would have broken my heart if you'd said yes.

Oh, right.

Well, lucky you.

Can I come in?

Uh, yeah, well, I'm a bit busy, but...

Well, I was just passing and I thought we might check that video thing out.

I thought I might be able to swap it for some pie or maybe Munchies?

Actually, I was being serious.

I don't know where it is.

I'll have a poke around tonight...

Mark, can I say something?

Yeah.

I know you're Peter's best friend.

And...

I know you've never particularly warmed to me.

Look, don't... don't argue.

We've never got friendly, but I just wanted to say I hope that can change.

I'm nice.

I really am, apart from my terrible taste in pie.

And... it would be great if we could be friends.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Great.

Doesn't mean we'll be able to find the video, though.

I had a real search when you first called and couldn't find any trace of it, so...

Well, there's one here that says "Peter and Juliet's wedding." Do you think we might be on the right track?

Oh, yeah, well...

Wow.

That...

That could be it.

- Do you mind if I just...

- I've probably taped over it.

Almost everything has episodes of West Wing on it now.

Oh.

Oh, bingo.

That's lovely.

[Laughs] Well done, you.

Oh, that's gorgeous.

Thank you so much, Mark.

This is exactly what I was hoping for.

I look quite pretty.

You've stayed rather close, haven't you?

They're all of me.

[Mark] Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes.

But... you never talk to me.

You always talk to Peter.

You don't like me.

I hope it's useful.

Don't show it around too much.

It needs a bit of editing.

Look, I've gotta get to a lunch.

Early lunch.

You can just show yourself out, can't you?

It's a... self-preservation thing, you see.

[Knocking] Yeah.

Annie, my darling, my dream, my boat.

Uh, need you to do a favor for me.

Of course.

Anything for the hero of the hour.

Don't ask me why, and for heaven's sake, don't read stuff into this.

It's just a weird personality thing.

But, um, you know Natalie who works here?

- The chubby girl?

- Oooh, would we call her chubby?

I think there's a pretty sizable arse there, yes, sir.

Huge thighs.

Yeah.

Well, whatever.

Um...

I'm sure she's a lovely girl, but I wonder if you could, um, redistribute her.

It's done.

Hey, Sammo.

Can't sleep?

I got some terrible news today.

Let's have it.

Joanna's going back to America.

- Your girl's American?

- Yes, she's American.

And she's not my girl.

And she's going back to America.

That's the end of my life as I know it.

That is bad news.

Well, we need Kate and we need Leo, and we need them now.

Come on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Keep your eyes closed.

[Chuckles] Do you trust me?

I trust you.

Do you trust me?

I trust you.

Fool!

Get off, you big bully.

All right.

Open your eyes.

Well, you know, Sammy, I'm sure she's unique and extraordinary, but... general wisdom is that, in the end, there isn't just one person for each of us.

There was for Kate and Leo.

There was for you.

And there is for me.

She's the one.

Fair enough.

And her name's Joanna?

Yeah, I know.

Same as Mum.

[Knocking] Yeah.

Prime Minister.

Thank you very much.

Oh, appolo... apologia.

"Grandi..." Uh, grande familio.

Grande "predistione..." The Christmas presents.

Stupido.

Well, good-bye.

Um, it was, um...

[Horn Honking] [Crash]
♪♪ You know, I love Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ My mind's made up ♪♪
♪♪ There's no beginning There'll be no end ♪♪
♪♪ You can depend ♪♪ Daniel!

- I have a plan.

- Thank the Lord!

Tell me.

Well, girls love musicians, don't they?

Uh-huh.

Even the really weird ones get girlfriends.

That's right.

Meat Loaf definitely got laid at least once.

For God's sake, Ringo Starr married a Bond girl.

Whatever.

There's this big concert at the end of term, and Joanna's in it.

And I thought maybe if I was in the band and played absolutely superbly...

there's a chance that she might actually fall in love with me.

- What do you think?

- I think it's brilliant.

I think it's stellar, apart from the one obvious, tiny, little-baby, little hiccup.

- That I don't play a musical instrument?

- Yes, sir.

A tiny, insignificant detail.

[Drum Continually Banging] Anyway, I suppose I'd better go and do the duty round.

You're a saint.

[Chuckles] Any chance of a dance with the boss?

Yeah, sure, sure.

As long as your boyfriend doesn't mind.

Not my boyfriend.

You're looking very pretty tonight.

It's for you.

Sorry?

[Whispering] It's all for you, sir.

This must be a very exciting moment for you, fighting for the Christmas number one.

How's it looking so far?

Very bad indeed.

Blue are outselling me five to one, but I'm hoping for a late surge.

And if I reach number one, I promise to sing a song...

stark naked on TV on Christmas Eve.

[Audience Laughing] - Do you mean that?

- Well, of course I mean it, Michael.

- Do you want a preview, you old flirt?

- [Laughing] That'll never make number one.

[No Audible Dialogue] I suppose it's his job to dance with everyone, isn't it?

Some more than others.

Just one dance... before we run out of chances.

Who, me?

Unless you, you just...

No, no.

Good.

Yes.

Thanks.

Well, I...

I'd better go.

Okay.

Good night.

Good night.

Actually, I don't have to go.

Right.

Good.

I-I mean...

No, no.

That's...

That's good.

That's good.

Just, um...

Would you ex-excuse me for one second?

Sure.

Just one... one second.

Um, okay.

That's done.

Um...

[Nervous Laugh] Why don't you come upstairs in about 10 seconds?

Ten seconds?

Ten seconds.

♪♪[Guitar, Slow] ♪♪For you ♪♪
♪♪ There'll be no crying ♪♪
♪♪ For you ♪♪
♪♪ The sun will be shining ♪♪
♪♪ 'Cause I feel that when I'm with you ♪♪
♪♪ It's all right ♪♪ Just tug it.

Okay.

♪♪ I know it's right ♪♪
♪♪ And the songbirds keep singing ♪♪
♪♪ Like they know the score ♪♪
♪♪ And I love you I love you, I love you ♪♪
You're beautiful.

♪♪ Like never before ♪♪ [Cell Phone Ringing] I...

I'd..

I'd better answer that.

Hello?

Hi.

Hello, darling.

No, no, I'm not busy.

No, fire away.

Right.

Yes, I...

I...

I...

I'm not quite sure...

it's gonna be possible to get the Pope on the phone tonight, but...

Yes.

Yes, I-I'm...

I'm sure... he's-he's very good at exorcism, but...

Well, I'm-I'm sure...

Jon Bon Jovi is as well, and I'll definitely look into it.

Okay?

Okay, I'll-I'll talk to you later.

All right.

Bye-bye.

Sorry about that.

No, it's... it's fine.

It's my brother.

He's...

He's not well.

He calls a lot.

I'm sorry.

No, it's fine.

It's fine.

I mean, it's-it's not really... fine.

It is what it is, and...

Sort of there being no parents now, and us being over here, it's my job to keep an eye on him.

I mean, not my job.

Obviously I'm-I'm glad to do it.

That's okay.

I mean, life is full of interruptions and complications.

So...

[Cell Phone Ringing] Will it make him better?

No.

Then maybe... don't answer?

[Ringing Continues] Hey.

How you doin'?

Mm.

Right, right.

Oh, no.

Oh, please.

Oh, please.

Please, please don't, little darling.

L...

Between the two of us, we'll find the answer, and it won't hurt anymore.

No, no.

No, I'm-I'm-I'm...

I'm not busy.

Of course, if you want me to come over, I will.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

That was a good night, except I felt fat.

Don't be ridiculous.

Oh, it's true.

Nowadays, the only clothes I can get into... were once owned by Pavarotti.

I always think Pavarotti dresses very well.

[Chuckles] Mia's very pretty.

Is she?

You know she is, darling.

Be careful there.

Have you been watching stuff on TV?

Yeah.

Every night.

Oh, good.

And every day.

The nurses are trying to k*ll me.

Nobody's trying to k*ll you, babe.

Thank you.

Don't do that, my darling.

Thank you.

Don't do that.

Right.

Back at 3:00.

Christmas shopping... never an easy or a pleasant task.

Are you gonna get me something?

Uh...

I don't know.

I hadn't thought.

Where's Sarah, by the way?

She couldn't make it in today.

Family thing.

There's a word for "hangover" I've never heard before.

- See you later.

- Yes.

Looking forward to it.

[Softly] A lot.

So, are you gonna give me something?

I thought I made it clear last night.

When it comes to me, you can have everything.

So, um, what do you need?

Something along the stationery line?

Are you short of staplers?

No.

I don't want something I need.

I want something I want.

Something pretty.

Right.

Right.

Sorry I'm late.

Had to drop off Bernie at rehearsal.

Right.

Well, listen, you keep yourself occupied for 10 minutes... while I go and do the boring stuff for our mothers.

How about this one?

Perhaps I'll think about it.

Thank you.

Looking for anything in particular, sir?

Yes, um...

That necklace there.

How much is it?

It's 270.

Um, all right.

Uh, I'll have it.

Lovely.

Would you like it... gift-wrapped?

- Uh, yes.

All right.

- Lovely.

Let me just pop it in the box.

There.

Look, could we be quite quick?

Certainly, sir.

Ready in the flashiest of flashes.

- There.

- That's great.

Not quite finished.

Look, actually, l-I don't need a bag.

I'll just put it in my pocket.

- Oh, this isn't a bag, sir.

- Really?

This is so much more than a bag.

Ooh!

Could we be quite quick, please?

Prontissimo.

- What's that?

- It's a cinnamon stick, sir.

- Actually, I really, uh, can't wait.

- Oh, you won't regret it, sir.

Wanna bet?

'Tis but the work of a moment.

There we go.

Almost finished.

"Almost finished"?

What else can there be?

Are you gonna dip it in yogurt?

Cover it with chocolate buttons?

Oh, no, sir.

We're going to pop it in the Christmas box.

- But I don't want a Christmas box.

- But you said you wanted it gift-wrapped.

- I did, but...

- This is the final flourish.

- Can I just pay?

- All we need now...

- Oh, God!

- Is a sprig of holly.

- No.

No.

No.

No.

No bloody holly.

- But, sir, the...

Leave it, leave it, just leave it.

Ooh!

Loitering around the jewelry section, I see.

No.

- I was just looking around.

- Don't worry.

My expectations are not that high...

after thirteen years of Mr.

"Oh, But You Always Love Scarves." Actually, I do love this one.

♪♪[Man Singing, Indistinct] Hey!

What are you doing here?

Had to rent out my flat to pay for my ticket.

You're not actually going ahead with this genuinely stupid plan?

Yeah, I bloody am.

You think this backpack is full of clothes?

Like hell it is.

It is chockablock full of condoms.

Excellent, excellent.

Perfect.

Keep that going.

[Clears Throat] Look, um, sorry to be, uh, a bit forward and all that, but, uh, you don't fancy going for a Christmas drink, do you?

I mean, nothing... you know, nothing implied at all.

Just, um, maybe sort of go and see something Christmas-y or-or-or-or something?

Uh, obviously, if you don't want to, you don't have to.

I was just, you know...

I'm-I'm rambling now.

Sorry.

No.

That would be lovely.

Oh!

Great.

Yea!

You know, that is really great.

Normally, I'm really shy about this sort of thing.

Takes me ages to get the courage up, so thank you.

♪♪[Drums Bashing] Explain to me again why you're so late?

Oh, for heaven's sake, woman.

Can't a man have any secrets?

Hurry up.

We've been waiting for hours.

It's the first-ever preview.

♪♪ Childhood dreaming is a thing of the past ♪♪
♪♪Maybe you can bring us some hope this year ♪♪
♪♪ Visions of sugar plums have disappeared ♪♪
"It was a starry night in ancientJerusalem... and the babyJesus was in his manger.

" Sherlock Holmes is not a real detective.

I would like half-pint of"churly." I would like a one-day travel card.

♪♪All alone on Christmas ♪♪
♪♪All alone on Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ Tell me I've gotta know ♪♪
♪♪Don't leave me alone ♪♪
You'll come back a broken man.

Yeah.

Back broken.. from too much sex.

You are on the road to disaster.

No.

I am on shag highway, heading west.

Farewell failure.

America, watch out!

Here comes Colin Frissell...

♪♪And he's got a big knob ♪♪ Take me to a bar.

What kind of bar?

Just any bar.

Just your average American bar.

Can I help you?

Yes.

I'd like a Budweiser, please.

King ofbeers.

- One Bud coming up.

- Oh, my God.

- Are you from England?

- Yes.

Oh!

That is so cute.

Hi, I'm Stacey.

Jeannie?

Yeah?

This is...

Colin.

Frissell.

Cute name.

Jeannie.

He's from England.

Yep.

Basildon.

Oh.

Oh.

Wait till Carol-Anne gets here.

She's crazy about English guys.

[Stacey] Uh-huh.

- Hey, girls.

- Carol-Anne, come meet Colin.

He's from England.

Well, step aside, ladies.

This one's on me.

- Hey, gorgeous.

- [Growls] That is so funny.

What-What do you call that?

Uh, bottle.

[With British Accent] Bottle.

What about this?

Uh, straw.

Straw!

What about this?

Uh, table.

Table.

Oh.

It's the same.

- Where are you staying?

- I don't actually know.

I guess I'll just check into a motel, like they do in the movies.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

That is so cute.

No, no, no.

Listen.

This may be a bit pushy 'cause we just met you, but... why don't you come back and sleep at our place?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um, well, I mean, you know, if it's not too much of an inconvenience.

Hell, no.

But there's one problem.

- What?

- Well, we're not the richest of girls, you know, so we just have... a little bed and no couch.

Oh.

So... you'd have to share with all three of us.

And on this cold, cold night, it's... gonna be crowded and sweaty and stuff.

Yeah.

And we can't even afford pajamas.

No?

Which means... we would be naked.

No.

No, I think it'll be fine.

Good.

Great.

The thing that's gonna make it more crowded...

Harriet.

You haven't met Harriet.

- There's a fourth one?

- Don't worry.

You're totally gonna like her...

'cause she is the sexy one.

Really?

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

- Praise the Lord.

- [Gasps] And he's a Christian.

Cheers.

Cheers.

♪♪ If I could, then I would ♪♪
♪♪ I'll go wherever you will go ♪♪
♪♪ Way up high or down low ♪♪
♪♪ I'll go wherever you will go ♪♪
♪♪ If I could turn back time ♪♪
One present only each tonight.

Who's got one for Dad?

I have.

- No, let Mummy go first.

- I'll get it!

I'll get it!

No, no, no, no, no.

I want to choose mine.

I think I want...

- this one.

- I have, of course bought the traditional scarf as well, but this is my other... slightly special, personal one.

Thank you.

That's a real first.

Rip it.

What is it?

I'm going to...

All right, I'll rip it.

God, that's a surprise.

[Boy] What is it?

It's a C.D.

Joni Mitchell.

Wow.

To continue your emotional education.

Yes.

Goodness.

That's great.

My brilliant wife.

Ah.

Yes.

Actually, um, do you mind if I just absent myself for a second?

All that ice cream.

Uh...

Darling, could you just make sure the kids are ready to go?

I'll be back in a minute.

[All Chattering]
♪♪ Moons and Junes ♪♪
♪♪ And Ferris wheels ♪♪
♪♪ The dizzy, dancing way that you feel ♪♪
♪♪ As every fairy tale comes real ♪♪
♪♪ I've looked at love that way ♪♪
♪♪ But now it's just another show ♪♪
♪♪ And you leave 'em laughin' when you go ♪♪
♪♪ And if you care ♪♪
♪♪ Don't let them know ♪♪
♪♪ Don't give yourself away ♪♪
♪♪ I've looked at love ♪♪
♪♪ From both sides now ♪♪
♪♪ From give and take ♪♪
♪♪ And still somehow ♪♪
♪♪ It's love's illusions that I recall ♪♪
♪♪ I really don't know love ♪♪
♪♪ I really don't know love at all ♪♪
♪♪ Tears and fears and feeling proud ♪♪
♪♪ To say I love you right out loud ♪♪
♪♪ Dreams and schemes and circus crowds ♪♪
♪♪ I've looked at life that way ♪♪
♪♪ Oh, but now old friends ♪♪ Oh my God!

♪♪ They're acting strange ♪♪ It's a miracle!

You're all dressed...

Come on.

We're horribly late!

♪♪ And they shake their heads ♪♪
♪♪ And they tell me that I've changed ♪♪ Out you go.

Into the car, into the car.

♪♪ Well, something's lost ♪♪
♪♪ But something's gained ♪♪
♪♪ In living every day ♪♪
Has she noticed you yet?

No.

But you know the thing about romance is, people only get together right at the very end.

Of course.

By the way, I feel bad.

I never ask you how your love life is going.

[Mock Chuckle] No.

As you know, that was a done deal long ago.

Unless, of course, Claudia Schiffer calls, in which case I want you out of the house straight away, you wee motherless mongrel.

Oh!

No, no, we'll want to have sex in every room, including yours.

"Who is number one on the Radio One Chart Show tonight?".

Is it Blue or the unexpected Christmas sensation from Billy Mack?

Well, you might have guessed it, although you may not believe it.

- It's Billy Mack.!

- [All Cheering] - You are the champion!

- [Man On Radio] Hi, Billy.

Hello.

We're live across the nation, and you're number one.

- How will you be celebrating?

- I don't know.

Uh, either I could behave like a real rock and roll loser... and get drunk with my fat manager, or...

[People Laughing] When I hang up I'll be flooded by invitations... to a large number of glamorous parties.

[Whooping, Cheering] Let's hope it's the latter.

And here it is, number one from Billy Mack, it's "Christmas is All Around." Oh, Jesus!

Not that crap again!

♪♪ Bill.

It's for you, babe.

Hello.

Elton!

Of-Of course.

Of-Of course.

Send an embarrassingly big car, and I'll be there.

- [People Laughing] - It's gonna be... a very good Christmas.

[All Cheering] Right.

I'd better be getting inside, actually.

My mum and, you know...

Of course.

Yeah.

It's getting a bit cold.

Um...

Well, good night.

Night.

Uh...

Uh, okay.

All I want for Christmas... is you.

Right.

Thank you.

Good.

Good night.

[Laughing] Ho.

♪♪ I'm...

I'm dreaming ♪♪ ♪♪ Dreaming ♪♪
[Doorbell Rings] Of a white ♪♪ Oh, look, everyone!

It's UncleJamie.

♪♪ White Christmas ♪♪ [All Chattering] Yes.

Oh, splendid.

It's lovely...

lovely to see you all.

And, uh, I'm off, actually.

But, Jamie, darling.

Sorry.

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

I hate UncleJamie.

[Girl] I hate UncleJamie.

[Boy] I hate UncleJamie.

♪♪ And try to listen ♪♪
♪♪ To hear ♪♪
♪♪ All the sleigh bells ♪♪
♪♪ That are ringing in the snow ♪♪
Gatwick Airport, please.

Fast as you can.

♪♪ I wanna tell you one more time what I'm thinkin'about ♪♪
♪♪ I, I, I'm ♪♪ ♪♪ Dreaming ♪♪ ♪♪ Of a white ♪♪ Night, Sarah.

♪♪ Christmas, yeah ♪♪ Night, Karl.

I, um...

♪♪ With every Christmas card ♪♪ Merry Christmas.

♪♪ That I write you, oh ♪♪ Merry Christmas.

♪♪ I want you to know ♪♪
♪♪ May your days May your days ♪♪
♪♪ Be so merry ♪♪
♪♪ Merry and bright ♪♪ ♪♪
[Vocalizing] Hi, babe.

How's it goin'?

Yeah.

Is it all party, party, party down there?

♪♪ All of your Christmases ♪♪
♪♪ And may all And may all ♪♪
♪♪ Of your Christmases ♪♪
♪♪ Baby, may your days ♪♪
♪♪ May your days be merry, merry ♪♪
♪♪ So merry and bright ♪♪
Sam, time for dinner.

I'm not hungry.

Sam, I've done chicken kebabs.

Look at the sign on the door.

♪♪ [Drums b*ating] ♪♪ Your Christmases ♪♪ Right.

♪♪ Be so bright ♪♪ ♪♪ [Vocalizing] It's a little long.

♪♪ Dreaming, dreaming of a white ♪♪ ♪♪ White Christmas, baby ♪♪ [Doorbell Rings] I'll get it.

- Oh, hi.

- Who is it?

It's carol singers.

Well, give 'em a quid and tell them to bugger off.

♪♪ Silent night ♪♪
♪♪ Holy night ♪♪
♪♪ All is calm ♪♪
♪♪ All is bright ♪♪
♪♪ Round yon virgin ♪♪
♪♪ Mother and child ♪♪
♪♪ Holy infant ♪♪
♪♪ So tender and mild ♪♪
♪♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪♪
♪♪ Peace ♪♪
♪♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪♪
♪♪ Silent night ♪♪
♪♪ Holy night ♪♪
♪♪ Shepherds quake ♪♪
♪♪ At the sight ♪♪
[Whispering] Merry Christmas.

♪♪ Glories stream ♪♪
♪♪ From heaven afar ♪♪
♪♪ Heavenly hosts ♪♪
♪♪ Sing alleluia ♪♪
♪♪ Christ the Savior ♪♪
♪♪ Is born ♪♪
♪♪ Christ the Savior is born ♪♪
Enough.

Enough now.

[No Audible Dialogue] [Doorbell Buzzes] What the hell are you doing here?

I mean, you're supposed to be at Elton John's.

Yeah, well, I was there for a minute or two, and then... and then I had an epiphany.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, come on.

Just come up.

So, um, what was this epiphany?

Um, it was about Christmas.

You realized it was all around?

No.

I realized that Christmas is the time... to be with the people you love.

Right.

And...

I realized that as dire chance and-and fateful cock-up would have it, here I am... mid-fifties... and without knowing it, I've gone and spent most of my adult life... with a chubby employee.

And much as it grieves me to say it, it-it might be that the people I love... is, in fact, you.

- Well, this is a surprise.

- Yeah.

Ten minutes at Elton John's, you're as gay as a maypole.

No, look, I'm serious here.

I left Elton's, where there were a hefty number... of half-naked chicks with their mouths open... in order to hang out with you... at Christmas.

Well, Bill...

It's a terrible, terrible mistake, Chubs.

But you turn out to be the f*cking love of my life.

[Chuckles] And to be honest, despite all my... complaining, we have had a wonderful life.

[Chuckles] Well, thank you.

I mean, yeah, come on.

It's been an honor.

[Chuckles] I feel very proud.

Oh, don't-don't be a moron.

Come on.

Let's get pissed and watch p*rn.

[Natalie's Voice] Dear sir.

Dear David.

Merry Christmas, and I hope you have a very happy New Year.

I'm very sorry about the thing that happened.

It was a very odd moment, and I feel like a prize idiot.

Particularly because, if you can't say it at Christmas, when can you, eh?

I'm actually yours, with love.

Your Natalie.

Jack, yeah, I need a car.

Right now.

Thank you.

Oh, don't wait up.

I'd like to go to Wandsworth.

The dodgy end.

Very good, sir.

♪♪ Your eyes tell me how you want me ♪♪ [Siren Wailing] ♪♪ I can feel it in your heartbeat ♪♪ ♪♪ I know you like what you see ♪♪ [Prime Minister] Harris Street.

[Driver] What number, sir?

Oh, God.

It's the longest street in the world, and I have absolutely no idea.

♪♪ Wrap your love around me ♪♪
♪♪ You're so exciting I can feel you getting hotter ♪♪ [Doorbell Ringing]
- Hello.

Does Natalie live here?

- No.

- Right.

Fine.

Thank you.

Sorry to disturb.

- Eh...

Uh...

Aren't you the prime minister?

Uh, yes, in fact, I am.

Merry Christmas.

- Oh!

- Part of the service now.

I'm trying to get round everyone by New Year's eve.

[Doorbell Rings] Ah!

Hello.

Uh, does Natalie live here?

- No, she doesn't.

- Oh, dear.

Okay.

Are you singing carols?

- Uh, no.

No, I'm not.

- Please, sir.

Please.

Please.

- Well, I mean, I suppose I could.

- Please.

All right.

[Girls Cheering]
♪♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out ♪♪
♪♪ On the Feast of Stephen ♪♪
♪♪ When the snow lay round about ♪♪
♪♪ Deep and crisp and even ♪♪
♪♪ Brightly shone the moon that night ♪♪
- [Doorbell Ringing]
- Hello.

Sorry to disturb.

Does Natalie live here?

No.

She lives next door.

Ah.

Brilliant.

You're not who I think you are, are you?

Yes, I'm afraid I am, and I'm sorry about all the cock-ups.

Not my fault.

My cabinet are absolute crap.

We hope to do better next year.

Merry Christmas to you.

[Doorbell Ringing] [All Chattering] Ah.

Hello.

Is, uh, Natalie in?

Where the f*ck is my f*cking coat?

Oh.

Hello.

Hello.

Um, this is my mum and my dad... and my Uncle Tony and my Auntie Glynne.

- Very nice to meet you.

- And, um, this is the prime minister.

Yes, we can see that, darling.

And, um, unfortunately, we're very late.

- It's the school Christmas concert, you see, David.

- Ah.

It is the first time all the local schools have joined together.

Even St Basil's.

- Too much detail, Mum.

- Uh, anyway, how can we help, sir?

Well, I... just needed Natalie.

On some state business.

Oh.

Right.

Yes.

Of course.

Right.

Well, perhaps you should, uh, come on later, Plumpy.

Uh, Natalie.

Well, listen, I don't want to make you late for the concert.

- No, it's nothing really.

- Keith'll be very disappointed.

- No, really, it doesn't matter.

- The octopus costume's taken me months.

Eight is a lot of legs, David.

Hmm.

Um...

Listen, why don't I, um, give you a lift, and then we can talk about this... state business business in the car.

- Okay.

- Lovely.

Lovely.

Yes.

Hold tight, everybody.

How far is this place?

Just around the corner.

Ah, right.

Well, uh, I just wanted to say, um, thank you for the Christmas card.

You're welcome.

Look, I'm so sorry about that day.

I mean, I came into the room and he slinked towards me and there was a fire, and he's the president of the United States, and...

Nothing happened.

I promise.

And I just felt like such a fool because...

I think about you all the time, actually.

And I think you're the man that I really...

We're here.

Iove.

Oh, wow.

That really was just round the corner.

Uh...

Um...

Ow!

Well, look, I, uh...

I think I'd better not come in, you know?

Last thing anyone wants is some sleazy politician stealing the kids' thunder.

No, please come.

It'll be great.

No, l...

I'd better not.

But I... will be very... sorry... to drive away from you.

Just give me one second.

John's been very mysterious.

Where did you two meet?

Um...

Um...

Um...

Um...

Come on in.

We can watch from backstage.

Okay.

Uh, Terry, I won't be long.

But look.

This, um...

This has to be a very secret visit, okay?

Don't worry, This was my school.

I know my way around.

Come on.

Look, look, the sheep are ready already, and you're not even...

Oh, David!

Ah!

Ah!

Oh, how are you?

Hi, guys.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

You all right?

What the hell are you doing here?

Well, you know, l...

I always tell your secretary's secretary's secretary... that these things are going on, but it never occurred to me you'd actually turn up.

Well, I thought it was about time l-I did.

I just didn't want anyone to see, so I'm gonna hide myself somewhere and watch the show.

Good luck.

Good luck, Daisy.

Good luck, Bernie.

I have to tell you, I've never been gladder to see my stupid big brother.

Thank you.

It's all right.

Oh, now.

We haven't been introduced.

Oh, right.

Um..

Well, this is Gavin.

Oh, hello, Gavin.

Sorry.

My copper.

And this is Natalie, who's my, um... who's my uh...

uh...

catering manager.

Oh.

Hi.

Catering manager.

Watch that he keeps his hands off you.

Twenty years ago, you'd have been just his type.

I'll be very careful.

Don't try something, sir, just because it's Christmas.

No, seriously.

[Bell Ringing] Oh, come on.

Showtime.

Quickly.

Um, look, see you after, yeah?

Yeah, probably.

Yeah.

Thank you, Prime Minister.

It's all right.

Come on.

Right.

♪♪ Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket ♪♪
♪♪ Save it for a rainy day ♪♪
♪♪ Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket ♪♪
♪♪ Never let it fade away ♪♪
♪♪ Never let it fade away ♪♪
♪♪ Never let it fade away ♪♪
Hillier School would now like to present their chosen Christmas number.

Lead vocals by 10-year-old Joanna Anderson.

Backing vocals coordinated by her mother, the great Mrs.

Jean Anderson.

Um, some of the staff have decided to help out, and, uh, for this, we ask you to forgive us.

[Laughter] Thank you.

♪♪ I don't want a lot for Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ There's just one thing I need ♪♪
♪♪ I don't care about the presents ♪♪
♪♪ Underneath the Christmas tree ♪♪
♪♪ I just want you for my own ♪♪
♪♪ More than you could ever know ♪♪
♪♪ Make my wish come true ♪♪
♪♪ All I want for Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ Is you ♪♪
♪♪ I don't want a lot for Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ There's just one thing I need ♪♪
♪♪ I don't care about the presents ♪♪
♪♪ Underneath the Christmas tree ♪♪
♪♪ I just want you for my own ♪♪
♪♪ More than you could ever know ♪♪
♪♪ Make my wish come true ♪♪
♪♪ All I want for Christmas is you ♪♪
♪♪ You, baby, oh ♪♪
♪♪ All the lights are shining so brightly everywhere ♪♪
♪♪ And the sound of children's laughter fills the air ♪♪
♪♪ Laughter fills the air ♪♪
♪♪ Everyone is singin' Oh, yeah ♪♪
♪♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪
♪♪ I hear those sleigh bells ringin'♪♪
♪♪ Santa, won't you bring me my honey ♪♪
♪♪ Won't you please bring my baby to me ♪♪
♪♪ I don't want a lot for Christmas ♪♪
- ♪♪ This is all I'm asking for ♪♪
- ♪♪ All I'm asking for ♪♪
♪♪ I just wanna see my baby ♪♪
♪♪ Standing right outside my door ♪♪
♪♪ I just want you for my own ♪♪
- ♪♪ More than you could ever know ♪♪
- ♪♪ You will ever know ♪♪
♪♪ Make my wish come true ♪♪
♪♪ All I want for Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ Is you ♪♪
♪♪ All I want for Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ And you, and you ♪♪
♪♪ And you, and you ♪♪
♪♪ All I want for Christmas ♪♪
[Cheering]
[Camera Shutters Clicking] Right.

So, not quite as secret as we'd hoped.

What do we do now?

Smile.

Little bow.

[Applauding, Cheering] And a wave.

Thank you.

[Woman] Wow.! The prime minister.!

[Indistinct] I'll see you later, all right?

I'll speak to you.

Tell me, if you were in my position, what would you do?

What position is that?

Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace...

and, come Christmas, gave it to somebody else.

Oh, Karen.

Would you wait around to find out if it...

Good night.

Night, night, darling.

Happy Christmas.

Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace...

or if it's sex and a necklace or if, worst of all, it's a necklace and love?

Would you stay knowing life would always be a little bit worse?

Or would you cut and run?

Oh, God.

I am so in the wrong.

A classic fool.

Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me.

You've made the life I lead foolish too.

Darling.

Whoo!

Darlings!

Oh, you were wonderful!

My little lobster, you were so...

What is that word?

Orange.

Come on.

I've got treats at home.

Dad's coming.

Sammy!

Fantastic show!

Classic drumming, son.

Thanks.

Plan didn't work, though.

Well, tell her then.

Tell her what?

Tell her that you love her.

No way.

Anyway, they fly tonight.

Even better.

Sam, you've got nothing to lose, and you'll always regret it if you don't.

I never told your mum enough.

I should have told her every day because she was perfect every day.

You've seen the films, kiddo.

It ain't over till it's over.

Okay, Dad.

Let's do it.

Let's go get the sh*t kicked out of us by love.

Yes!

Just give me one sec.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry.

That's...

okay.

My fault.

No, no, no.

Really, it wasn't.

You're Sam's dad, aren't you?

Yeah.

Stepdad, actually.

Daniel.

I'm Carol.

Carol.

- Okay, I'm back.

Let's go.

- Yeah.

Well, I hope we'll meet again, Karen.

Carol.

[Chuckles] - I'll make sure we do.

- Yeah?

Good.

[Chuckles] Tell her.

What?

You know...

[Making Kissing Sounds] Don't be such an arse.

Look.

There she is.

Where?

Over there.

Oh, no.

It's okay.

We'll go to the airport.

I know a shortcut.

[Speaking Portuguese] Wait, wait!

Oh, no.

Look, we're not actually flying, but...

You can't come through without a boarding pass.

Not even to let the boy say good-bye to the love of his life?

No.

Uh, I'm sorry, Sam.

Boarding pass, sir?

Now, just a moment.

I know I've got it here somewhere.

Would you mind hanging on to that?

Unless...

What?

What?

Do you want to make a run for it?

Hold on to that as well.

Do you think I should?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yes!

No, I must have left them where I was having a cup of coffee.

I'm sorry.

[Alarm Beeping] [No Audible Dialogue] [No Audible Dialogue] Joanna.

Sam?

- I thought you didn't know my name.

- Of course I do.

Oh Jesus.

Here.

I've gotta run.

Boa noite, Aurelia.

Boa noite, Jamie.

Shh!

Thank you.

That will be nice.

"Yes" is being my answer.

Easy question.

Bravo!

You learned English?

Just in cases.

♪♪I may not always love you ♪♪ ♪♪But long as there are stars above you ♪♪ Hello, Daisy.

This one's Greta.

Hello, Greta.

Well, here she is.

This is Aurelia.

This is Juliet.

This is Peter.

Hi.

Mark.

Hi.

Didn't see you.

Yeah, just thought I'd tag along.

Jamie's friends are so good looking.

He never tells me this.

I think maybe now I have made the wrong choice?

Picked the wrong Englishman.

She can't speak English properly.

She doesn't know what she's saying.

Dad.!

Dad.!

♪♪So what good would living do me ♪♪ Oh, God!

Did you get us any presents?

As a matter of fact I did.

Thanks, Dad.

How are you?

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Good to have you back.

Come on.

Home.

There she is.

Hi.

Hello.

Oh!

He should have kissed her.

No, that's cool.

♪♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪♪ Hey, what are you two doing here?

Might get a shag at last.

Naughty.

Uh, gotta go.

Bye.

Whoo-hoo!

♪♪ The world could show nothing to me ♪♪ Now, this...

is Harriet.

Hi.

Really pleased to meet ya.

Hello, Harriet.

I hope you don't mind.

I sort of brought my sister to stay.

This is Carla.

She's real friendly.

[Chuckles] Hello.

You must be Tony.

I heard you were gorgeous.

[People Clamoring] [Flashbulbs Popping] God, you weigh a lot.

Oh, shut your face.

♪♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows what I'd be without you ♪♪
♪♪ God only knows what I'd be ♪♪
♪♪
♪♪ [Woman Vocalizing]
♪♪ Love can be a many splendored thing ♪♪
♪♪ Can't deny thejoy it brings ♪♪
♪♪ A dozen roses, diamond rings ♪♪
♪♪ Dreams for sale and fairy tales ♪♪
♪♪ It'll make you hear a symphony ♪♪
♪♪ And you just want the world to see ♪♪
♪♪ But like a drug that makes you blind ♪♪
♪♪ It'll fool ya every time ♪♪
♪♪ The trouble with love is ♪♪
♪♪ It can tear you up inside ♪♪
♪♪ Make your heart believe a lie ♪♪
♪♪ It's stronger than your pride ♪♪
♪♪ The trouble with love is ♪♪
♪♪ It doesn't care how fast you fall ♪♪
♪♪ And you can't refuse the call ♪♪
♪♪ See, you got no say at all ♪♪
♪♪ Oh ♪♪
♪♪ Now, I was once a fool, it's true ♪♪
♪♪ I played the game by all the rules ♪♪
♪♪ But now my world's a deeper blue ♪♪
♪♪ I'm sadder, but I'm wiser too ♪♪
♪♪ I swore I'd never love again ♪♪
♪♪ I swore my heart would never mend ♪♪
♪♪ Said love wasn't worth the pain ♪♪
♪♪ But then I hear it call my name ♪♪
♪♪ The trouble with love is ♪♪
♪♪ It can tear you up inside ♪♪
♪♪ Make your heart believe a lie ♪♪
♪♪ It's stronger than your pride ♪♪
♪♪ The trouble with love is ♪♪
♪♪ It doesn't care how fast you fall ♪♪
♪♪ And you can't refuse the call ♪♪
♪♪ See, you got no say at all ♪♪
♪♪ Every time I turn around ♪♪
♪♪ I think I've got it all figured out ♪♪
♪♪ My heart keeps callin' and I keep on fallin'♪♪
♪♪ Over and over again ♪♪
♪♪ The sad story always ends the same ♪♪
♪♪ Me standin'in the pourin'rain ♪♪
♪♪ It seems no matter what I do ♪♪
♪♪ It tears my heart in two ♪♪
♪♪ The trouble with love is ♪♪
♪♪ The trouble with love ♪♪
♪♪ Yeah ♪♪
♪♪ It can tear you up inside ♪♪
♪♪ It can tear you up inside ♪♪
♪♪ Make your heart believe a lie ♪♪
♪♪ Make your heart believe a lie ♪♪
♪♪ It's stronger than your pride ♪♪
♪♪ The trouble with love is ♪♪
♪♪ It's in your heart It's in your soul ♪♪
♪♪ You won't get no control ♪♪
♪♪ And you can't refuse the call ♪♪
♪♪ See, you got no say at all ♪♪
♪♪ The trouble with love is ♪♪
♪♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪
♪♪ I'm in over my head You got under my skin ♪♪
♪♪ I got no strength at all in the state that I'm in ♪♪
♪♪ And my knees are weak and my mouth can't speak ♪♪
♪♪ Fell too far this time ♪♪
♪♪ Baby, I'm too lost in you ♪♪
♪♪ Caught in you ♪♪
♪♪ Lost in everything about you ♪♪
♪♪ So deep I can't sleep ♪♪
♪♪ I can't think I just think about ♪♪
♪♪ The things that you do ♪♪
♪♪ I'm too lost in you ♪♪
♪♪ Baby, baby, baby I'm too lost in you ♪♪
♪♪ Caught in you ♪♪
♪♪ Lost in everything about you ♪♪
♪♪ So deep I can't sleep ♪♪
♪♪ I can't think I just think about ♪♪
♪♪ The things that you do ♪♪
♪♪I'm so lost in you ♪♪