01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

MAX:
You know how in vampire movies

there's always that scene?

The super romantic one
where the woman begs

the vampire she's dating
to turn her into one, too?

So they can be together forever?

So that we can be
together forever.

Eternity is no small matter,
my darling Liz.

Is it not enough that we lead
a long and happy life together?

[clears throat]

What was that?

What?

The throat-clear thing.

Oh, I was not aware.

Perhaps my throat is
a little dry.

Lots of dust in these Austrian
castles this time of year.

Ugh, it matters not.

See, Charles, even your quirks,
I cannot get enough of.

I want to wake up
to that throat clear

every morn and fall asleep
in its warm embrace,

until the end of time.

Oh, Liz.

[Charles sniffs deeply]

[whispers]:
Do it.

[hisses]

[gasps, sighs]

[both moaning]

MAX:
But what they never show you is

what happens afterward.

I'm not talking right afterward.

I'm talking way afterward.

[clock ticking]

[Charles clears throat]

[clears throat]

Oh, my God,
would you stop doing that?

I know you don't need
to clear your throat.

You know you don't have to.

The only reason you're doing it
is because

you know how much it annoys me.

So sorry.

[turns page]

[clears throat]

♪♪

MAX: This is the story
of how I met Charles and Liz.

-But before I met them...
-[dog whines]

I met the woman of my dreams.

Yeah, I'm not feeling anything
in his rectum.

Huh. Yeah, I really think
he swallowed something.

It's possible.

It's also possible that you just
want to ask me out.

[chuckles]
Ex-Excuse me?

You know I have a degree?
I went to school for this?

But word gets out
there's a new cute vet in town,

and all of a sudden
the waiting room is

filled with a bunch of creepers
with borrowed cats.

-Uh-huh. Um...
-[dog retching]

Uh, or maybe I'm just a good guy

that's concerned about his dog...

[chuckles]:
Yeah.

-That I rescued.
-Oh, God.

You are good, aren't you?

Wait, why do you have
a toy fire truck?

It's probably from
the children's hospital.

I trained him to be
a therapy dog.

Ugh.

Fine, dinner Thursday.

[both chuckling]

MAX:
Emma and I fell hard and quick.

I had never been happier.

My coworker Benji was,
however, skeptical.

Dude, she's not married.
Stop saying that.

Well, something is very weird.

You've been together two months,
she's never let you

-come to her house?
-No, she's just messy

and doesn't want me
to see her place.

Yeah, probably a lot of clutter
and husbands lying around.

[scoffs]

Huh. This is weird.

Some guy's been collecting
social security

since the beginning
of the program.

That would make him
like 150 years old.

Huh. I wonder if he eats
a lot of blueberries.

I've been reading
that's very good for you.

No, Benji, this is obviously
either a mistake

or some sort of fraud.

I guess I should look into this.

Well, I hope it's legit.

'Cause if that blueberry thing
is true...

[chuckles]
I'm golden.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Thank you.

Say, do you ever wonder
what we're doing

with all this blood, Steve?

No.

Okay. See you again Wednesday.

Do you want to hang out
or something?

-I don't think so, Steve.
-We could go to the mall.

Bye, Steve.

Bro, we really need
a more normal Craigslist guy

willing to sell us his own blood.

God, I miss feeding on humans.

Oh, you know
why we stopped, Charles.

It's not nice.

You know what's not nice?

Never getting ahead at work

because we have to move
every few years

so people don't find it weird
that we don't age.

Also not nice:
only doing it on my birthday.

Oh, wow. That's great.

Just mention that
right in front of Jesse.

Ah, come on. We've all lived
in the same coven for centuries.

Hardly any secrets between us.

I know that he shaves
his entire body

and that this is all spray tan.

Hey, I'm a personal trainer,

and there are mirrors
all over that gym.

If I don't spray, I'm just
a tank top and a pair of weights

moving up and down by themselves.

Okay, I'm gonna go back
to the kitchen.

Because I'm the only one
who does anything around here.

This marriage is literally
never-ending.

This will never end.

-Can't even get a divorce.
-JESSE: Mm-hmm.

Vampires aren't allowed.

Council of Elders would drive
a stake through your heart

and chop you into
a thousand pieces.

It is an out.

You see, this is why
I only marry humans.

You have fun till they croak,
and then you get a new model.

Right. How's that
working out for you?

Eh, people are living
a little longer

than they did back in the day.

Sweetie, have you seen
my reading glasses?

They're on your head, babe.

-[laughing]: Oh.
-[chuckling]

-Love you.
-I love you more.

-Aw.
-[door opens and closes]

HENRY:
I didn't do it on purpose.

You never do.
That's not the point.

No, no, look,
I said I'm sorry, Mort.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's the problem?

The problem is the only girl
I like in the entire school

is in love with Henry.

I don't get it, Dad.
He's not even funny.

He just stares off
and says stuff like,

"There's so much pain
in the world."

It hurts sometimes.

MORT:
And we're twins.

How come he gets
all the good traits?

Super strength, super speed.

I mean, I'm half vampire, too,

and all I get is:
can't go out in the sun.

Hey. We are working on
developing some of your powers.

Right? Plus, you can read
the dog's mind.

-No one else has that.
-Right.

Wonderful. What's that, Argus?

Huge news, everyone.

He's hungry again.

What does he mean "half vampire"?

Here we go.

Is that why none of you age?
It's not just good genes?

Are you all vampires?

Are vampires real?

Mort, what did I say
about talking like that

-in front of your mom?
-[mouthing]

-Now I got to wipe her.
-What?

You didn't hear anything,
Phyllis.

-Oh, hey, guys. How was school?
-HENRY: It was good.

-Yeah, it was fine.
-It was fun. It was good. Yeah.

All right. Can we eat now?

-Yes.
-LIZ: In a bit.

How long does it take
to pour blood into some glasses?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought we'd wait
for our daughter

so we could eat together
as a family

because some of us actually
enjoy talking to each other.

HENRY:
Here she comes.

-[door opens]
-EMMA: Hey, guys.

-Sorry I'm late.
-[door closes]

MAX:
And now you know

what I would come to learn.

My girlfriend...

-[sniffing]
-Was a vampire.

Oh. Did Steve have steak
this week?

That blood smells delicious.

[sighs]

Mmm. Another triumph, Phyllis.

-Really.
-LIZ: Hear, hear.

-CHARLES: Scrumptious.
-MORT: So good, Mom.

-PHYLLIS: Thank you.
-Mmm. That was good, babe.

Mmm.

Charles, what is that marble
bust of you doing in here?

I thought we said it was going
in your office.

Fine, I'll move it back.

But I think it looks nice.

It's a statement piece.

I agree.

[quietly]: If the statement is
that you're a narcissist.

-I'm sorry?
-Huh?

-Huh?
-What?

-[sighs]
-[Jesse clears throat]

I'd like to make a toast
to my boys

Henry and Mort,
who combined for 52 points

and 34 rebounds last night,
leading the Wildcats to victory.

We play games while...

the world is at w*r.

MORT: Dad, I know
you're trying to be nice,

but everyone knows I'm not
on the basketball team,

so when you say "combined"...

Still technically true.

I love you boys.

-Yes.
-Salud.

Cheers.

Mmm.

[sighs]

-Yep.
-JESSE: Whoo!

-LIZ: Ugh.
-Mama.

You guys really love
your tomato juice.

EMMA:
Mom, can I ask you something?

Do you ever regret
getting with Dad?

I mean, I wish I'd asked
a few more questions

before rushing
into the whole thing.

Like, I never even realized

that two undead people
couldn't make a baby together.

But then a miracle happened,

and we came across this amazing
little orphan baby girl

that we fell in love with
and raised as our own.

And then turned into a vampire
without asking her.

To save you from diphtheria.
You're welcome.

The point is, no, I do not
regret marrying your father.

I just wish things were
more like how they used to be.

Okay, so why don't you work
on your problems

instead of sniping
at each other all the time?

I would love to work
on things, Emma.

I've been trying to get
your father to go back

to therapy again,
but he hated the first time.

I have to say, I am feeling

rather blamed right now,
Dr. Freud.

You just keep taking her side.

That's enough for today.

This week, be kind
to each other, yeah?

And, Charles, try to suppress

your desire to sleep
with your own mother.

He keeps saying that.

Why does he keep saying that?

MAX:
So, I have to finish up

this one work thing,
and then I could

swing by after
and pick you up for the movie?

Why don't I just meet you there?

Okay, Emma,

what is going on?
I mean,

why won't you ever
let me come to your house?

[whispering]:
Married. She's married.

Whatever you're hiding,
you don't have to be afraid

-to tell me.
-My family,

we're just different.

I'll understand. I promise.

[sighs]

Okay, Max.

The truth is...

-we're Canadian.
-What?

-Why would I care about that?
-It's not you.

It's my father.

He just won't like me
dating someone...

-not like us.
-Okay.

You want to wait, we'll wait.

But when they finally meet me,

I promise you
they're gonna love me.

All right, I got to go.

I'll see you later, you hoser.
[chuckles]

What?

[bird cawing]

Can I help you?

Hi. My name is Max Marshall.

I'm a criminal investigator

with the U.S. Social Security
Administration.

It's come to our attention
that a, uh,

Jesse Blythe,
listed at this address,

has been collecting benefits
since 1935.

Is that weird?

MAX: It's probably just
a clerical error,

but I'm gonna have to speak
with all of you

-and ask you some questions.
-Yeah...

Actually,
you will now be on your way

because everything is fine.

Right, that's what
I was trying to determine.

Why did you do that thing
with your hand?

Does that only work
on weak-minded people,

or is my mom weak-minded because
my dad does that to her so much?

It's a little of both.

CHARLES: Obviously,
it's a misunderstanding.

Jesse is a young man.

Uh, do we really need
to jump through these hoops?

Look, I don't want to be here

any more than you all
want me here.

I mean, I'm honestly
only doing this

to put myself
through grad school.

I'm getting my master's
in psychology.

[gasps]
Psychology?

So, you're sort of like
a therapist?

-Well, studying to be one.
-Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Hey, would you mind
if my husband and I

were interviewed together?

[groans]

And sometimes I feel like

Charles is listening
but he's not hearing me.

So, to answer your question,
three months.

We've lived here
for three months.

Uh-huh. And-and what do you two
do for work?

Well, Charles is in
financial planning.

So you think we'll have enough
for retirement?

Absolutely. The good news is

most retirements
only last 20 years,

and then you get to die.

Get to die?

Do not take that for granted.

And I am a professor of history
at Seattle College.

Although Charles
isn't supportive.

In fact, he's against the
whole idea of a woman working.

I'm sorry, it was just
unheard of where I grew up.

In Cincinnati in the early '90s?

All I'm saying is I make enough
money that it's not necessary.

Okay, tell us, Max,
as a therapist,

-who do you think is right?
-[scoffs]

Okay, again,
I'm not a therapist yet.

And also, therapists
don't really pick sides.

Can I tell you guys a story?

My parents love to dance.

They met at
a high school dance, actually.

But as the years went by,
they stopped.

Life got in the way.

So, for their anniversary,
I got them tango lessons,

and it reminded them
how they used to be.

Charles, Liz, whatever it was
that you loved to do

when you were first together,
rediscover that passion.

Find your dance.

But if you, like, had to pick
a winner of the therapy?

I pick Liz.

-Yes.
-Fine.

We done here? Are we good?

Yeah, so long as
everything checks out with, uh,

Jesse and Phyllis.

[stammers]
I'm sorry.

Can you just go through the
timeline again one more time?

Okay, well, we met in 1989.

We were both 28.

-Uh-huh.
-I mean, I know

he looks young,
but that's because

-he works out a lot.
-Mm-hmm.

Right.

Lots of supplements.
Like, a lot of supplements.

Exactly.

This isn't good.

He's not satisfied
with these answers.

Well, I don't want to move again.

I love Seattle.

We really can go outside
almost every day

because of the cloud cover.

I didn't want to watch
that stupid Twilight movie,

but they really nailed it.

-Aw.
-[gentle music playing over TV]

She wants to be with him forever.

That's sweet.

-Don't do it.
-Huge mistake, Bella.

-Get out of there, Edward.
-Huge.

-Go for the werewolf!
-Run as...

We're not moving.

We're going to k*ll him.

Are you out of your mind?

We're backed into a corner.

Plus, don't you miss
hunting and feeding?

-Oh.
-Oh, remember those nights

long ago... the anticipation,

the chase, the blood
pumping into our veins

as we sucked it up.

Pumping and sucking.

-Pumping and sucking.
-[breath trembles]

We did have fun.

That's it!

That Max fellow said it himself.

Find our dance, darling.

Hunting and feeding on humans...
that's our dance.

JESSE: Wait, bro,
you're not getting it.

Again, I was born on a leap year.

I'm sorry, there's just
too many inconsistencies.

We're gonna have to open
a wider inquiry.

We'll be in touch.

Hey, guys, I think I shorted you
a bag of blood earlier.

-Not now, Steve!
-Want to play some board games?

What the...

[whooshing]

[both hissing]

Oh.

So sorry about this.

You know, we're not really
bad people.

Wait, are we eating him?

Let me go get the boys.

The-the boys?
No. No, no, no, no, no.

[hissing]

-[hissing]
-You know what?

I'm-I'm dismissing this case.
You guys are

totally good to go in the eyes of

the U.S. Social Security
Administration. Don't!

-[screams]
-EMMA: What's going on?

Max?

[soft hiss]

-Emma?
-Uh, you know him?

This is my boyfriend Max.

Max, these are my parents.

We're not Canadian.

[breathy chuckle]

Hey.

[slurps softly]

So, Michigan undergrad, right?

That's a good school.

I'm sorry, maybe I should go.

Can I go? I'd like to go.

Dad, you're not saying anything.
He doesn't feel welcome.

Yeah, it's not just that.

What is it,
the almost k*lling you thing?

Everyone said they were sorry.

CHARLES: What do you want me
to say, Emma?

I don't want you dating a human.

And worse, you lied about it.

I knew you'd react this way.

Well, you were right.
He's not one of us.

What about Ivan?

Dad, we broke up.

You can work it out.

He's got his own business.

-He's a vampire.
-Who still feeds on humans.

CHARLES:
Occasionally.

And even then,
only the really evil ones.

He ate a guy for
cutting him off in traffic.

They can't all be
the worst of the worst.

Sorry, is this Ivan
the jealous type or...

Okay, I would like you
to leave now, please.

And if you say anything,
we'll k*ll you.

Yeah. Uh, nice meeting you.

-Max, wait. Oh.
-Uh...

I can't touch you now?

Sorry, Emma, I...

Today's just been a really long,
really weird day,

and I kind of want
to go home, okay?

I mean, I-I just found out
that vampires are real

and that my girlfriend's one,
so if someone could just

unbolt the door with their mind,
I'm ready to leave.

-[lock clicks]
-Okay.

Very nice to meet...

[Emma stammers]

-Thanks a lot, Dad.
-I know this is hard right now,

but trust me, it's for the best.

Y-You don't get it.

I've been dating
for two centuries.

I know how hard it is
to find someone like Max.

He's funny and kind and close
to his mom but not to the point

where it's weird, which is
a very tough needle to thread.

Point is, I finally found
someone, and you ruined it.

I am the head of this coven,
and I have spoken.

You are being so unfair.

Well, life is tough and then
you continue to not die.

[Emma scoffs]

Ivan had great hair!

Ivan ate the mailman, Charles.

And? We got a new one. Uh...

[doorbell rings]

[sighs]

Hello, Max.

Liz, what-what are you
doing here?

I think we need to speak.

Yeah, okay, sure.

Um, you have
to formally invite me in.

Oh, that's really a thing?

I've seen the movies and stuff.

Please come in.

And don't worry,
I won't offer you any garlic.

That's actually
a very offensive stereotype.

Oh, sorry.

Look, I'm sure today was very
traumatic, and I don't blame you

if you never want to see us
or Emma again,

but I think that would be
a huge mistake.

I have never seen Emma feel
this way about someone before.

The way she talks about you.

Yeah. I mean, Liz,
I'm crazy about your daughter.

And, honestly,
I-I could maybe even get past

the fact that she's a vampire.

I mean, do you know what
it's like out there on the apps

for guys under six feet?

Haven't dated since the 1500s,

so sort of just missed
the whole apps thing.

Right.

All that aside, it's just...

It's Charles.

I mean, he said
he was gonna k*ll me,

so that kind of seems like...

an obstacle.

Max, I know this man.

He's from another time.

He sees you as weak and modern.

He expects you
to cave to his threats,

but he'll respect you
for not giving up.

Trust me.

And if he, like,
tries to m*rder me?

I'll make sure
it's quick and painless.

-What?
-I-I mean, I'll stop him.

I will stop him.
[chuckles]

Right.

[sighs]

JESSE:
Telekinesis

is all about clearing your mind

and making the object go
where you want.

Wow.
[chuckles]

Now you try.

[grunts softly]

Concentrate.

[straining]

You got this, buddy.

[straining]

[sighs heavily]

-It's too hard.
-No, no, no, no.

I think it moved a little.

Come on, Dad.

Hey, powers don't always
just happen.

You have to work at them,
and I believe in you.

-Thanks, Dad.
-Of course.

-[Argus murmurs]
-What's that, boy?

Well, that's just not
very supportive, Argus.

[knocking]

[sighs]
Charles?

It's me, Max.

There's something we need to
discuss, so let me in, please.

Okay, you know what?
I invite myself in.

Or wait, that's not a thing.
Sorry. Uh...

The point is, we-we need to talk.

He won't go away.

He's like the plague,
which I witnessed and preferred.

Oh, hi, Max!

What a surprise to see you!

Come on in.

Charles, Max is here.

I thought I made myself clear
you should not come back here.

You did, but I am
standing up to you,

which I believe
might impress you.

That was a severe miscalculation.

-Really?
-Come on, Charles.

It was pretty brave of him
to just show up like this.

It doesn't change the fact
that he's human.

HENRY:
I may have a solution.

What if we make Max a vampire?

-Are you insane?
-No, that's not a bad idea.

It's sort of a win-win.
Everybody gets what they want.

Uh, yeah, I don't really want
to be a vampire.

-Max, please, stay out of this.
-I don't want him

-to be one either.
-HENRY: Uncle Charles,

you said him being human
was the whole problem.

I was being nice.

You all want me to say it?
I don't like him.

And being stuck with Max forever?

Not the solution
I was looking for.

[strains loudly]

Yes. You got this, Mort.

Come on, come on. Move, damn it.

[Mort straining]

-[whimpers]
-[straining loudly]

[rattling]

What about your daughter?

This should be about
what she wants.

At least let them date.

Why is this so important
to you, Liz?

Because we used to be
Max and Emma.

Don't you see that?

What are you talking about?

When we started dating,
the head of your coven

forbade you from seeing me,
but then you stood up to him.

Because back then,
you believed in love.

I know eternity
has not been easy,

but I thought...

I hoped that deep down maybe
that Charles was still in you.

But I guess I was wrong.

Liz, wait.

If it's really
that important to you...

I guess...

-they can keep dating.
-Seriously?

But if he hurts her in any way,
we eat him.

Sure thing, Charles. You got it.

-Wait, what?
-He's kidding.

[whispers]:
Not kidding.

MAX:
And there you have it.

It was a real-life happy ending.

That is to say I was happy
right when it ended.

[straining]

Let's go! Come on!

-Move it! Move the pencil!
-[objects rattling]

Come on, Mort! Let's go!

[whooshing]

[screams]
Max?

Are you okay, Max?

Oh, my God, my bust!

Oh, no!

Where the hell
did that come from?

Mort moved it with his brain.

All the way across
the damn house!

My boy!

I was just trying
to move a pencil.

I mean, we have to get him
to a hospital.

-There's no time.
-I think he stopped breathing.

Hey, what if we turn him
into a vampire?

That would fix this.

What do people think of that?

-He might pull through.
-Charles.

I already said yes
to the letting them date thing.

I mean, that's a lot of growth
for one day.

Please.

Fine.

MAX: And that's how
I joined my new family,

the day I died.

Or, I guess, technically
they made me undead.

You're doing
the right thing, Charles.

This is the man I married.

[gasps]

Thanks, Liz.

MAX:
Has it been smooth sailing?

Not always.

But all families
have their problems.

Our problems
just happen to last...

-forever.
-[gasps]

Oh, my God!

Why is that man
lying on the ground?!

I got this.

Why does Charles have fangs?!

-JESSE: It's okay, baby.
-What is happening?!

It's okay, baby. Come here.

-PHYLLIS: What?
-Come here.

Phyllis, you didn't see anything.

[whooshing]

Oh, hey, sweetie.

-How was the gym?
-Oh, it was so good, thanks.

PHYLLIS:
Aw.