01x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

{\an8}[cork popping]

{\an8}[cheering]

{\an8}[Joanne laughing]

{\an8}[all]: Playoffs!
Playoffs! Playoffs!

{\an8}For the first time ever,
the Brovaries

{\an8}are going to the playoffs!

Sick catch in the 8th,

they really ate sh*t
on that dive.

Well, totally worth it.

But, uh, yeah, Jesus,
I need a shower.

Oh, yeah, Joanne,

you can't be covered in dirt

and smelling like
a greasy hot dog

for your hot date tonight.

- Whoo!
- You have a date?

Yeah, you know, I'm just
trying to get back out there.

Wow, that's great.
Where are you going?

Well, actually,
she's coming to my place.

I'm making her
my famous fettuccine Alfredo.

Wait, she's coming
to our place?

- Yeah?
- So it's a booty call.

No, it's not.

She's just coming over
to eat pasta.

Sorry to say, Joanne,

but an invite to the house means
that she is expecting sex.

- Yeah.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

sh*t, okay.
I gotta make a call.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Before you do that,

do you want
to script it out?

It's ringing.
I can't-I can't hang up.

[sighing]
Wait, should I hang up?

- Yes.
- Yes!

- Hey!
- Hey, Angelica. Um...

I...

Sorry I'm calling
and not texting.

Um, I was just thinking maybe
we could move this date

to the mall.

- Oh my God.
- It's got a great food court.

Um, great. Okay.

And you know what?
Um, since we're being honest,

I haven't been on a date
in 10 years.

[exasperated sighs]
So if you're thinking about

like kissing
or any other sex stuff--

- Coach...
- Hang up! Hang up!

Hear consent is sexy.

And, uh, if we want to have
some of each other's...

we'll need to discuss it.
[exasperated sighs]

- Okay.
- Great!

Okay, I'll see you
at the mall.

- See you later.
- Right on. Okay, bye.

[beeping]

I think that went pretty well.

[theme music]

Joanne's gonna freaking
blow this date

if we don't help her out.
So, first lesson of the day,

how to play it cool.
Okay.

- We're ready for you, Joanne!
- Come on out.

[inhaling sharply]:
Oof. You Angelica?

That's me.

Yeah, well, you're like just
as hot as you were on Hinge.

Thank God.

[chuckling]

Wow, the mall is just
as sick as I remember.

[power tools whirring afar]
- Oh my God, stop.

Stop.

Boris, can you go tell the
guy installing

the new lock to just
keep it down for a minute?

Let me think.
- Yes, I am on it.

[Joanne]: What? Wait,
was that bad?

It was a good effort...

Don't do that high five thing.

Guys, I don't know
what I'm doing, okay?

I just tried to be
cool and playful,

you know, like Toby McGuire.

And we feel that--
[loudly]: Um, Joanne,

I actually have
a much better idea

than all of this stuff.
When I'm preparing for a date,

I always listen to
my sex playlist, you know,

so I can get my juices
really going.

So why don't you take these

and, um, go inside the closet
and listen to them?

- But...
- But nothing!

You're gonna love
my playlist.

There's a lot of really
interesting information

that you're going to learn
when you're going to listen.

[whispering]: Red alert,
red alert, red alert!

[whispering]:
Why are you being so weird?

Leanne and Roy are taking
their engagement photos

on the field underneath
that weird fancy tree.

- Oh, sh*t.
- Joanne cannot see that.

If she sees them being
all cutesy-wootsy

and Leanne in her long,
slutty dress being all like,

"Oh, look how good my t*ts are,
all hiked up to the heavens."

Then Joanne's gonna freak out.

She's gonna ruin her date.

I gotta see this dress.

Me too.

Whoa, those t*ts!
It's like the longer you look,

the bigger they get.

How does keep them up
there like that,

especially in this wind?

She must have used
so much duct tape.

Boris, this sex playlist
is just a voice memo

of you saying,
"Baby butter time."

No, no, no,
you didn't listen

to the whole thing.
It's also a song.

I'm trying to make it
the song of the summer.

It goes like this,
baby butter time,

baby butter time,
baby, baby, baby--

Nice, yeah.

Uh, what were you guys
looking at?

Uh, t-the clouds!

There's supposed to be
like a crazy storm tonight.

Oh, yeah. Tornado warning
and everything.

Hi!
- Surprise.

Yeah, you caught me
at my day job.

[drill whirs]

[whispering]: I am literally
dying to tell someone

that I have a boyfriend

and that I'm so in love.

He got me a rescue cat,
and I named her Mom.

Look, she's so cute.
[chuckling]

He's so cute.

Anyway, the, uh, new lock
is good to go. Oh.

[metallic thud]
Who would like to hang on

to the fob? I gotta give one
to every team.

Fob? I don't trust that sh*t.

[laughing]: Yeah, I hear ya.

I don't really like this
technology stuff either.

Classic keys are where it's at.

Zari, do you wanna take it?
- No, no, no, I'll take it.

There you go.
Hey, it's Joanne, right?

I've heard so much about you--
- Okay,

thank you so much.
It's so nice to see you.

Huh.

Okay, um, yeah,
I'll see you later then.

Have a great day, sir.

- Bye.
- See ya.

[door closing]

Who's that?

[whispering]: I will tell
the rest of the team eventually.

I just don't want to impose
with my hetero joy

on such a q*eer space.

Especially when everyone else
is so single

and depressed.

I don't know,
some guy I met

out for a walk
in the park the other day.

Okay, well, uh, I gotta get
ahead of the storm.

I gotta get to my date.
I don't want my hair wet--

No, you can't.

No, Joanne! I can't let
you go out there.

The storm is so windy-dindy,
it's gonna blow you all away.

Okay, Boris,
that's fine. I'm good.

[chuckling]

[beeping]

[Joanne]: What?
What am I doing wrong?

[Boris]: You gotta tap it.

- I did.
- Tap it.

Guys, it's not working.

[beeping]
- You gotta tap it longer.

Do that. Now. Tap it.

[buzzing]
- Nope.

[beeping]
Nope.

Oh, for crying out loud!

I told you that sh*t
never works.

Guys, I'm not gonna be stuck
in the damn field house.

Can I get a little help here?

Guys? Come on!

You know, Joanne,
maybe it is an act of God

that that guy Zari
is pretending not to know

is bad at his job
and locked us inside of here.

If you guys
don't tell her, I'm gonna.

Tell me what?

Leanne is pulling
some psycho ex-girlfriend sh*t,

taking her engagement photos
outside.

She's taking her
engagement photos.

On our field.

Sorry, Coach.

Mel, you need to tell her
the whole truth.

What?

This is gonna be hard
for you to hear,

but, um,

she's wearing
an extremely slutty dress.

And everyone agreed
that her boobs look amazing.

- Like, amazing.
- Like two buttery brioche buns.

Hold me back.

[yelling]: Because I'm about
to f*ck this door!

Ouch!
[thundering]

Yeah, we tried the fob.

We tried the fob many times.

Uh, how long until
the fire department gets here?

Well, actually,
do the fire department guys

know medical stuff?
Because I attacked the door

and now,
my bad ankle's acting up.

Seven to eight hours!

- What?
- Seven to eight hours?

Uh, yeah, yeah, no,
I know there's a storm.

It's just that is
a long time to wait. I...

I am calm. I just...

Okay, uh, can I leave my number
or something, 'cause the...

[thundering]
Hello?

Seven to eight hours
until the fire department

can come to save us?

Yes. And I'm definitely
gonna miss my date now.

[sighing]: Me too.

You have a date?

It's not a date yet,

but I did ask
the hot goth hostess

who works at the public glass

if she wanted to go look at
gerbils at PetMart tonight.

That is really brutal, man.

I'm-I'm sure
she really wanted to do that.

Hot goth date this,
hot goth date that.

I'm starving!

I haven't eaten
in three to two hours.

Yeah, Boris is right, this is
now a survival situation.

Who has rations?

- I do.
- You do?

- Yes.
- Thank God, Ann.

- Yes.
- Let's have a yum-yum.

I have been saving
this bad boy for...

a rainy day.
- What?

Smoke 'em
if you got 'em, right?

Hot box this joint.

I think this is the perfect
opportunity for Lee

to find out
what women really want.

[coughing]

It's not gerbils?

Ah! Maybe this tunnel
will lead to some food.

- sh*t!
- What?

My phone died
and I was texting my...

friend to come help us get out.

Your friend?

The one who was, uh...

[whispering]: putting the lock

on the door?
- Yeah?

Zari, if you are
witness protecting him,

you can tell me.
I can keep a secret.

Please don't say anything,
but he's my boyfriend.

- Oh, sh*t!
- Shh!

Wow!

Great work. He seems so hot.
- I know!

Not very good at his job,
but you know.

Why were you pretending
not to know him?

Did he do a crime?

No, no. I just wasn't ready
to tell the team

because I was worried everyone
might be a bit judgy

'cause he's,
well, you know...

What?
[echoing]: We've got food!

Oh, my God... Okay.

Ah, sorry, my hunger brain.

Um, where did you meet him?

[echoing]: Apocalypse chips!
- In a play.

He was my younger brother.

Your younger brother?

We sort of lost touch
when we were teenagers,

but then we ran into
each other last fall and...

everything just sort of clicked.

Okay, wow.
Good-good for you.

Let me show you a photo
of us and Mom.

Oh, my God.
They're so cute.

Your mom?

Damn it, I forgot
my phone died.

[sighing]
- That's too bad. I...

was really looking forward
to seeing a picture

of your mom and your, um...

- Another time um...
- Okay.

[whispering]: Can you just
leave this between us

for now just until I'm ready to
tell the rest of the team?

Yeah.

- Thank you. I'm so in love.
- Good man.

- Shh!
- Yep.

[thundering]

Lee! You're just supposed
to have one.

This is the only food
we have for like

seven, eight hours.
- Lee!

Sorry, I got too high.

Hot Goth Hostess
text you back or what?

No.
Doesn't even matter.

She's not gonna love me.

[phone buzzing]
- sh*t, she texted me.

[gasping]

[laughing]: I can't read it.
Can someone read it for me?

Give me, give me, give me,
give me.

"Come over."

Ohh!

- Oh, sh*t!
- Lee!

See, I told you, Ann.
Chicks dig gerbils.

[chuckling]

- Buddy. Buddy.
- Uh, Lee?

[door rattles]

f*ck!

Hey, it's okay. Just text her.

Maybe she'll be up
in seven to eight hours.

No. If the Hot Goth Hostess
is horny now, she's horny now.

Who says she's going to want
to freak with Lee

in eight to seven hours?

Okay, take notes.

Especially you, Joanne.

You gotta gamify it. Okay?
- Oh, yes.

This is the thing I do
when I set up

two dates at the same time
by accident.

Okay, you text one of them,
you tell them to wait for it.

You make it a sexy game, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that is hot.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, it could work. Lee?

Would you do the honors?

[laughing]: Okay.

Give me your phone.

Okay. Um...

"I want you to wait for it.

Don't you dare touch yourself."

Whoo!

"I'll see you in seven
to eight hours, baby girl."

Nice. Yes.

Zari!
[laughing]

Zari is full of surprises.

[phone buzzing]
- Okay. Oh, she texted back.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, uh...

"Sorry. What?

You said you could unclog
my sink for me."

Oh, my god.

Oh, I said I would do that.
I said I would do that.

Okay. Okay.
I can walk it back.

Um...
"Oops, this is Lee now.

My phone was kidnapped
by a big bald man

who looked very roided out."

Do you like that?

Does that work?

You guys know I'm a virgin, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, brother.

[thundering]

Whoa. sh*t!
[door rattles]

- Hello?
- Did you hear that?

- We're stuck.
- Oh, my God!

[all]: Help!
- Hey!

Hey! We're in here!

[gasping]
- Oh, God.

Leanne.
[gasping]: Joanne?

I'll get the door.
[all]: No!

[door closing]

I don't understand.
It can open from the outside,

but not from the inside?
- Uh, maybe because

some dumbass man
installed it wrong.

Uh, Mel,
just because he's a man

does not mean that
he is a dumbass.

Right, Zari?

Anyway, it's a good thing
that I'm a tech guy.

[chuckling]: I should be able
to figure this out.

Roy! You own a tech company.

You can't fix sh*t.

You couldn't even connect
our router.

[whispering]: Don't miss that.

Guys, there has to be
another way out of here.

[sighing]
Did you check the bathroom?

Everything is locked in there.
Locky, locky.

Oh, is this vent locky, locky?

[groaning]
[metallic crinkling]

Ha! I can fit!

Whoa, I don't think
that's a good idea.

Are you saying
you don't think I can fit?

No, no, that's-that's not
what I'm saying at all, babe.

That's basically
what you said--

No, no, I'm not. And wow,
you're gonna go in feet first.

- Ha! I'm almost in.
- You are?

- Yeah!
- Wow, that's amazing.

Oh, my God, yeah, yeah, just get
a little further.

[metalic thud]
- sh*t. sh*t!

Oh!
- Oh.

My foot, like it's stuck
on something.

- Okay, okay!
- Help me out!

Yeah, yeah, I got you.

[grunting]
- Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Ow, stop, you're gonna rip
my arms off!

I don't know what to do.

- Fix it!
- Okay, okay. I don't know.

Can I have some privacy, please?

Don't worry, Leanne,

the fire department will be here
in six to seven hours.

[laughing]

I can hear you laughing!

Um, does anyone have a stick
of butter?

I can grease your thighs and
I can just pull you out.

You seriously have to
stop gaslighting me

into thinking that
I have fat legs.

- No, babe--
- No, no,

I saw you looking at them
in Banana Republic!

Um, did someone say
butter?

Because Leanne, I would actually
love your musical opinion,

uh, on this new pop hit track
that I wrote.

It's called Baby Butter Time.
It goes like this.

Baby butter time,
baby butter time,

baby, baby, baby, baby,
baby butter time.

Baby butter time,
baby butter time,

baby... butter...

time...
- Go away!

No, leave me alone.

Leave me alone! Out!

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Okay, me too?

Yes!

[exhaling]

[whimpering]

I'll be in the closet.

[rhythmic music playing
over phone]

♪ Baby butter time
baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby baby baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time
Baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby baby baby butter time ♪

Boris!

♪ Baby butter time ♪

Boris!

[humming]

♪ Baby butter time,
baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time! ♪

Boris!

[beeping]

- Am I hot?
- Yes.

Do I have big t*ts?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Angela Merkel?

Nope, but really close.

Barefoot Contessa.

Okay, Mel has a type.

[phone buzzing]
- What? Hot?

You guys, mall date Angelica
just texted.

Ooh!

"Rain check during
a storm warning, I love it.

Reschedule for tomorrow
at Maison Jean-Louis?"

Maison Jean-Louis,
that place is fancy.

Yeah, like I heard they have
some crazy dress codes.

Yeah, their website
says no sneakers.

Well, I have to cancel.

- No!
- No!

Let's just do another practice
date, but like bougie this time.

- Yes!
- You guys, I'm not doing

a practice date
with Leanne in the other room.

[snoring]

[whispering]: She's sleeping.

Oh, my God, I don't know how
Leanne can be asleep

with her a*s stuck in the vent
like that.

She can actually
sleep anywhere,

it's an adorable quality.
Hey, did I hear

that you're going to
Maison Jean-Louis?

Pro-tip, do not let
that sommelier

bully you into
the Pinot Noir,

because that Malbec
will leave you on cloud wine.

Yeah, so there you have it.

She can't hear us.

So, um, who would like
to volunteer

to date Joanne this time?
- Oh!

Maybe someone
with a bit more experience?

Me? No, no, no,

too close to home. It'd be
like dating an uncle.

Uncles, you know,
they've got a bad reputation,

but if it's consensual,
you know, is it that bad?

It's not even a real date,
it's just practice.

Come on.
- Oh, just practice.

Then maybe you should do it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Sit down.
- Yes, yes.

Okay, let's set the scene here.

There you go.
[Boris singing]

[indistinct chattering]

There you go.

[singing]

Welcome to Maison Jean-Louis.

To begin, we have
an amuse-bouche of artisanal,

sweet jalapeno crisp with
a piquant finish to share.

We don't have anything else,
so please don't order any more.

Thank you so much.

This looks wonderful.

Enjoy.

And this place, gorgeous.

I was a little bit worried
about the dress code,

but honestly,
nobody's even mentioned

the grass stains
on my a*s.

Well, a girl that isn't afraid
to break a dress code?

Nothing hotter than that.

[chuckling]

Stop, you're
making me blush.

Mmh, don't worry,
I can only be smooth

with pretty girls
for like 30 seconds

until I short-circuit, so.

- Ooh.
- Well, I don't believe that.

[chuckling]
- Well, stop encouraging me

with that adorable laugh.
[Sasha chuckling]

You're making me...

weirdly comfortable.

Okay, Joanne,
your shitty flirting

is making me physically sick.

And Sasha,
you should probably know,

I'm just telling you this,

as a friend
that your new girlfriend,

it wasn't very long ago
that she came home

from getting a haircut from you
and told me that your face

looked like a cheese grater.

And you gave her
an ugly a*s bowl cut.

Which to be fair, you did.

Cheese grater, huh?

I did not say that.

Leanne, you lying--
- I've been thinking,

"What does a cheese grater face
look like?"

ever since you said it,

so I didn't make it up.
- I never said that.

Well, I did give you
that bowl cut.

Yeah, but it grew in cute,
kind of.

[laughing]: Oh, no it was not.

And after you date Joanne
for more than a month,

you'll know
how insecure and needy--

- We're not dating.
- What?

We're not dating.

Oh, my God.

[laughing hysterically]

Oh, my God!

That means you are literally
pretending to date

to make me jealous,
which is so pathetic.

You know what's pathetic?

Uh, getting engaged three months
after ten years of saying

that getting married
is a publicity stunt

for boring and ugly people.

Yeah, maybe I was afraid it
would get ugly and boring

after years of just begging
for an ounce of attention.

I paid for
your musical theater degree.

Hey, ladies,
let's not fight, okay?

[Joanne and Leanne]:
Shut up, Roy!

[knocking]
- Zari?

[Boris]: Oh my God,
don't shut the door!

Don't shut the door!
- Yes!

- Peter!
- Keep the door open!

- Oh my God!
- Thank you for saving us.

- Oh, you came back.
- I had to.

I got home and then I realized
I'd forgotten

to activate
the indoor fob sensor.

I'm really sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.

My phone died so I couldn't
text you to apologize

for being weird earlier.
And, oh.

Aww.
[kissing]

Um, guys, this is Peter,
um, my boyfriend.

Hiya.

- Hi.
- Sup?

Thank you, Zari,
for that announcement.

Now I have one that I would like
to share with everyone.

Um, when I was 12,

I, uh, had the French kiss
with my cousin.

No regrets.

And Peter, uh,
Zari is like family to me.

Any brother of hers
is a brother to me too.

I'm sorry, what context are
you using brother in?

There's more than one kind?

Yeah, sure,
brother like black

or brother like family.

- Oh, the second one.
- Oh, okay.

Um, ugh, somehow that's worse.
You think we're related?

Boris, why do you think
he's my brother?

Because you said
that he was your brother.

In a play!

He played my younger brother
in a play.

He's an actor.

What about the photo
of your guys' mom?

And you being so secretive,

you didn't want the team to meet
your lovely handsome boyfriend?

Our cat is named Mom.

And I was worried
you guys wouldn't like Peter.

Why?

Because he straight
and a man.

But Zari, I love straight men.

I've got a father.

Um, anyway, look,
I-I stopped at a pizza place

on the way here. I've got
plenty of pizza in my car.

If anyone's hungry.
- Yes!

Pizza, coming my way.
[Boris]: Yum, yum, yum, yum!

[Boris chuckling]
- f*ck.

[Lee]: Hey guys,
the storm's over.

Damn, the moon looks beautiful.

[Zira]: It has been
a weird long day.

[Peter]: Yeah, my fault. Sorry.

Not hungry?

Yeah, I guess I'm still full
from the chip

we shared on our date, so...
[chuckling]

I'm really sorry about what
Leanne said, that it's not--

No, no, no, it's fine.

We really do not
have to talk about that.

Okay. Well, I had a lot of fun
on our date.

Thank you.
[chuckling]

Maybe I need you to be, like,

my full-time dating coach
or something.

You do not need my
help at all. You are great.

Okay, yeah, I don't know
about that, but...

Hey, I'm really
happy for you.

At least one of us is ready
to get back out there, right?

Oh, you're not?

Oh, God, no.

Just seeing you and Leanne
argue today

just reminded me
how much I love being single.

Yeah.
[Leanne]: Hello?

Roy?

Joanne?

[whispering]: Maybe we could
just leave her.

Anyone?

[beeping]

[door opening]

Hey.

You're eating
my fettuccine Alfredo?

It's unreal.

It's a good thing
Angelica didn't try it.

This sh*t's Mary Me Pasta.

Okay, tell me.
How'd it go?

Good. Really good.

Yeah?

She laughed at
my Austin Powers impression.

Nice.
[chuckling]

- Touched my upper arm.
- Sick.

Really into sports.

Why do I feel a but coming?

- It's never gonna work.
- Why not?

Well, for one, I-I played her
Boris's baby butter time.

- Mm-hmm?
- And she said

that it was quote,
not very catchy.

Okay. Whatever, deal breaker.

Yeah. Deal breaker for sure.

Yeah, it's gonna be
the song of the summer.

- Yeah. Bigtime.
- Yeah.

[phone buzzing]
Mmh.

Who's that, your date?

No.

It's Sasha.

♪ Baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time
baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby baby baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time
Baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby baby baby
baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time,
baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby, baby, baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time?
Baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby, baby, baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time,
baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time,
baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby, baby,
baby butter time ♪