01x12 - Totem Mole

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Wonderfalls.

As your brother, I'm gonna be relentless
until you tell me what's goin' on with you.

God, as if I knew.

- Make me a match.
- You can't talk!

- Girl needs a boy.
- Girl needs a doughnut.

- Keep 'em here.
- Take a picture!

- Mend what was broken.
- Get her words out.

Tell me why you talk to me!

Because... you listen.

All right, girls.
Let's make this quick!

Come on!

You know, this sudden impulse
of yours to visit my ancestral lands...

is great, but aren't you
supposed to be at work?

I couldn't stand the thought
of spending another day...

looking at those faces with their stupid
little mouths constantly running...

and making all sorts
of unreasonable demands on me.

Are you sure you should be
in a customer service industry?

So what happens after
you hand that thing in?

They verify my claim, and then
I'm embraced by my people...

as a part of
the Satsuma Indian Nation.

- That's awesome.
- It's also fraud.

You're not Indian.
You're black.

Uh, one-eighth Satsuman
on my grandmother's side.

But even a fraction of my fraction makes me
eligible for full tribal citizenship.

And a cut of the gambling money.

Uh-uh, no. This is not about money.
This is about tribe pride.

However, if a Title IV federal grant will pay
off my student loans, then justice is served.

Where's the casino?

This place doesn't
even have a Stuckey's.

Hey, there's some guys over there.
Why don't you ask them?

Hey, fill it up!

And do not drip on the paint.

Hi.

Go on in.

Go on!

Be glad you did. Over there.

An authentic Satsuman totem
should not be speaking English.

I'm not authentic.
They put me here for the tourists.

Go on. Go on in.

That's it. Go on.

- Hurry. Right across the street there.
- I'm going, I'm going.

That's good.
Look both ways!

- You're gonna like it.
- I think we both know that's not true.

- Right across there. That's good.
- Shut up, already!

Hello?

Oh! Sorry.

Excuse me. I didn't
mean to wake you.

Enter and sit.
Why do you hesitate?

You've come with many questions.

But very little money. So, if you're like
the local fortuneteller or something-

They speak to you in many voices.

And many forms.

You have been sought out
for a great purpose.

For this, you have been chosen.

No. I don't want
to be chosen.

In this instance,
I'm anti-choice.

Also, chosen by what?
Who are "they"?

- Do you know?
- Yes. Many questions.

Yeah. If you're just gonna be all cryptic,
it will affect your tip.

You entered this place
only to silence the voices.

You wish to silence them forever?

Can I? Is there some way?

Can you tell me how?

Why do you think you're here?

Okay. Cryptic.

And yet, I think I like
where you're going.

Okay. I'm listening. If you could
tell me how to get some relief...

- I'd really appreciate it.
- Excuse me.

Hi. We're sort of in the middle of
something. So would you mind...

waiting outside
until we're through?

Uh, what are you in the middle of?

We're having a conversation.

You're having a conversation
with my dead grandmother?

Okay, that's just odd.

One case of Milestone cigarettes.
Will that be all?

Make it two. Just because
I own 80 cartons...

doesn't mean I won't quit
before I smoke them all.

I need to see your resident card.

Oh, I'm not Indian- Native.

- I can only sell you three packs.
- Three packs?

That's hardly worth the trip.

- Sorry. New rule.
- What moron started this rule?

Hello, Tyler.

Littlefoot?

Deana Littlefoot.

Oh, my God! Why, this is so-

Wow! Hey, congratulations!

I read in the alumni newspaper
that you are practicing...

upstate with Kirchner/McKenzie now.

- Very prestigious.
- I left Kirchner/McKenzie.

- Oh, you did!
- I was needed here.

My people were being exploited, and there
was no one looking out for their interests.

Good for you.
And- good for you too.

She is the best!

We went to law school together.

Both top in our class.

Remember the time you
got our 200-year-old...

beloved mascot
banned from campus?

- It was a sexist symbol of patriarchal oppression.
- Yeah.

- It was a beaver.
- My people are through being sl*ves...

to imperialist aggression
by relying on nonnative trade.

My God.
You haven't changed a bit.

Neither have you. You always did need
to be reminded of your place.

You were never top of our class, Tyler.

- I was.
- All right. You were one. I was two.

Whatever! This is silly!

How about we just leave all that ugly
competition in the past, where it belongs?

I don't know what you're talking about.
You were never any competition.

And you weren't two.
You were like sixth.

- I want my cigarettes. Two cases.
- She might get cancer.

Mahandra! This is my
good friend, Mahandra...

who happens to be a member
of the Satsuma Nation.

She will take two cases.
Show him your membership card.

I don't have one yet.
I just turned in my application.

- It has to be reviewed by the tribal lawyer.
- That would be me.

Did you just screw me?

Ohh!

Excuse me! Hi.
That crazy blonde woman?

- This way.
- She's not my good friend. In fact...

I wouldn't even really say we're friends,
in any meaningful sense of the word.

The fact is-

- What's going on?
- She disturbed Gentlefeather's sacred resting place.

I- I don't know her either.

This is all making me
really uncomfortable.

I'm trying to respect
my grandmother's wishes, I am.

And I thought I'd be fine
with a native funeral.

But not if you're going to
allow tourists to participate.

- What were you doing in there?
- I was paying my respects.

And I have a few more
respects to pay.

I just need to talk to her
for one more minute.

- Talk to her?
- Did I say talk?

- I meant see.
- I'd rather she didn't.

And, uh, if you're gonna do that pyre thing,
I'd appreciate if you could do it soon.

Before more people show up
and poke my dead grandmother.

- You poked a dead grandmother?
- I didn't poke!

I think it's best you and
your friends leave, Tyler.

Not friends.
A- Acquaintances.

- What about my application?
- Denied.

But, if you care to contest, tribal court
meets Thursday morning, 11:00 a. m.

Hope you have a good lawyer.

It will be fine.
I will personally represent you.

Pro bono.
That means free.

What?

Her spirit spoke to you?

Nope. Mm-mmm.

But does that sort of thing
happen a lot around here?

Not that it happens every day,
but we're taught that our holy ones...

can sometimes linger between
this world and the next.

- She was holy?
- Gentlefeather was our seer.

Our spiritual guide.

A voice of reason among
many loud and more angry voices.

I'm very sorry for your loss...

but could I maybe speak to the new
seer person, the backup "seerer"?

There isn't one.
The line ended with Gentlefeather.

It's a line? Well-
What about him?

He's the grandson, right?
He's in line.

Hey, it's his holy grandmother.
Can he talk to her?

He doesn't have the gift.
Besides, he barely spoke to her...

when she was among the living.

Why should it be
any different now?

Show him who's special.

You can do it. Go on!

What's the matter?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

- You said it was an emergency.
- An emergency of sorts.

Um, what do you know
about Satsuman Indian legend?

Um, not a lot.

Good. Okay.
You can be my authority.

Shut up.
Hi!

- You came. Thanks.
- Did she tell you it was an emergency?

I'm Jaye. We didn't really get a chance
to meet officially.

You're the girl that was
talking to my dead grandma.

It's inanimate people, too?

You said you had something of hers.
Please tell me you didn't take it off the body.

No!

It was in the dirt.
Someone must have dropped it.

Uh, this is from that rack.

Well, actually, it's mine.

Okay. How about this?

- You getting anything?
- Does that belong to my grandma?

I... don't understand.
I- I don't understand.

Is there some reason I'm here?

- Is this about a time-share?
- No time-share, but there is a video.

I can't watch a video. Tax season is a very
busy time for me. I have things to do.

I'll fast-forward through the beginning.
We'll get right to the meat, please.

For your grandma.
I'll give you a gift certificate.

Gift! You'd like a gift,
wouldn't you?

And, because Lelawala, daughter of
Chief Eagle Eye, surrendered to her destiny...

the tribe lived on
in peace and prosperity.

There. See?
That's what you need to do.

- Throw myself over the falls?
- No!

Surrender to destiny. You have
to follow in Grandma's footsteps.

Ahh. You're one of those.

It's in your blood.
You're the next in line.

I gave up that line a long time ago.
I've got a new line now.

- Thanks, though.
- No, no, no. The new line is the wrong line.

The old line is the line
you want to be in. Grandma's line.

So, you can claim your gift.

Whatever it is you're looking for,
you're looking in the wrong spot.

- I don't have a gift. Any gift.
- Oh, you do. You do have the gift.

It's your destiny.

What did the Maid of the Mist
teach us about destiny?

The Maid of the Mist
isn't even a real myth.

It was just fabricated by whitey
to bring in tourists.

What if the gift was hormonal, like
menopause, and develops as you mature?

- I mean, when was the last time you checked?
- I've been checking...

since I was born-
so has everyone else.

- Why do you think I left?
- But Grandma-

I broke my grandma's heart.

It's like...

she knitted a sweater for me
I could never wear.

When I was a young boy, I would pretend
I could talk to spirits just to make her happy.

But they just thought
I was Ret*rded.

I can't go back.
I have no place there.

My place was reserved
for someone with a gift I don't have.

But how do you know for sure?
Like, for sure, for sure?

Yeah. Many of the great spiritual leaders
didn't even realize they had gifts...

- until they were called on to use them.
- Ooh, that's good.

St. Paul was just a punk until
he was blinded by the light...

and Gandhi was just drinkin' and whorin'
it up with his friends, until...

he heard the cry
of his people.

And Neo was just a big geek...

until he swallowed that little red pill.

- I'm kind of a geek.
- Yes. You are.

But in a good way, like Neo.

So come on.
Take the red pill.

You know you wanna.

The grandson of Gentlefeather
has returned to us.

We will commence with
the journey of the feather.

The feather is drawn to the energy of the seer
through concentration and reflection.

It'll be the first sign
that Bill Hooten has the gift.

What?

That feather took a mean left turn.

It's static cling.
I was out of dryer sheets.

Lots of things seem to cling to you.

- Including the spirits of old women.
- What? That's crazy! She didn't-

All right.
We may have had words.

But she said nothing about purposes
or being chosen or anything like that.

- But you were chosen.
- Nope.

Her spirit chose to talk to you.

It never talked to me. And I couldn't
get her to shut up when she was alive.

- You are Gentlefeather's successor.
- No, I'm not!

- She never said that.
- The tribe needs a spiritual leader, now more than ever.

Leftist fury has clouded
Littlefoot's judgment.

She will bring financial ruin
if she stands unopposed.

All this B.S. about exploitation.

- I've got a business to run.
- I'm not a leader! I need a leader.

I need a leader who can
talk to dead Grandma...

and find out how to lift
a particular burden of mine.

Besides, they don't want
a white chick fighting their battles.

It doesn't look good.

She is your broom...

and this floor may not
be dirt, but it is dirty.

And I am ready to sweep.

Karma's comin' round, and it's gonna
knock her to the ground.

Ooh.
I should write that down.

The tribal certification hearing
for Mahandra McGinty will now begin.

- Your Honor-
- Your Honor, I-

Point of order. In accordance with the new
rule passed by Tribal Council last night...

birth records may not be computer
generated, abstracted or transcribed.

These are and, therefore,
are not admissible.

Motion granted. All court costs
will be paid for by the defendant.

Please see the clerk for your bill.

If Bill Hooten, grandson of Gentlefeather,
is destined to be our seer...

he must prove himself
in three tests.

First, you must choose...

which one of these things
belonged to Gentlefeather.

It's multiple choice.

I think someone's having
a spiritual awakening.

- He is? You think so?
- Not him.

He's having a panic attack.
You.

You're having
a spiritual awakening.

That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard. You're stupid.

- You're being called.
- Yeah?

Well, I'm transferring
the call to his extension.

Wh- What are you-

You recognize anything?

Not really. I-

I don't think Grandma smoked a pipe,
and I'm not sure if she wore glasses.

Just relax. Open yourself up
to the experience.

Psst! Pick me. Pick me!
Pick me. Pick me.

Me. Pick me.

"Ear-bay ull-skay. "

The bear skull.

Yea! You got one right.

I think we can all see
who the new seer's gonna be.

What?

Nine hundred dollars? Why should I pay
$900 to not be a member of the tribe?

I'm already
not a member of the tribe.

You always have to be
number one, don't you?

But do you have to do it
at the expense of others?

Fine. I'll do it at your expense.

Why do you have
my credit card receipts?

Cigarettes purchased
on the rez by nonnatives...

are subject to the New York State
cigarette tax.

You wouldn't dare.

You owe $6,750.
Before interest.

Light the pipe.

Breathe in the smoke.

The power will be passed on
to the one who can pierce the veil...

and commune with Gentlefeather.

There's not gonna be any communing.
He's not the guy.

The feather didn't land on him,
and I saw you cheat.

- I think you're the guy.
- That's crazy!

Why are you fighting this?
Is it because you're lazy?

Do you just not want
the responsibility?

I admit that's a factor.
But let's face it.

"Seer-ing," or whatever,
isn't my destiny.

- I'm just not cut out for that kind of work.
- And you think he is?

Look at him.

The man's an accountant, Jaye.
An accountant.

He can't even get the pipe lit.

- They're making a fool out of him.
- Oh, my God. You're right.

This is very cruel.
What have I done?

I'm like those parents who force their
uncoordinated children to play sports.

Someone's got to put him
out of his misery.

You have to tell him the truth.

All right. But he-

- Oh, my God!
- Oh.

- He doesn't have a pulse!
- This is the final test.

To depart from this world and return
after speaking with his ancestors.

- We thought we lost you.
- Technically, he's supposed to bring himself back to life.

- Was I dead?
- For like a minute.

Which means you might have brain damage,
so you should probably get that checked.

I touched the other side.

I saw my grandmother.
She was like a vision in the mist.

- Did she speak to you?
- She told me not to go into the light.

Did she say anything else?
Anything about-

- I don't know, silencing voices or-
- No. Nothing like that.

She said I lost my path...

but that I would find it again.

- That's not very specific.
- Or helpful.

I talked to my dead grandmother.

And I came back.

I do have the gift!

This is my path!
This is my path!

I found it! Come here.

Finally, it's happened.

Don't you think it's cruel
to let him believe he's the new seer...

when clearly he's not-
I mean, clearly.

What harm could it do?

A little help, please!

Well! If it isn't
Mahandra Tanawanda!

No, it isn't.

That name was k*lled in the cross fire
of a bitter law school rivalry.

What did Mom say about
your competitive streak?

I didn't do anything!
Littlefoot ambushed me.

It was a setup.
I didn't stand a chance.

Comfort her.

Go on. Comfort her.

- What are you doing?
- I'm comforting you.

Well, stop it.

Ow. Ow! Stop.
Ow! Ow!

Stop pulling.
Wait! It's my bracelet.

Stuck in my hair.
Ow!

Just keep it.

- Show him who's special.
- I did.

And now he thinks he brought himself
back from the dead.

- Show him.
- Yeah, we had this conversation.

I think we should wear these
for Chief Joseph Days, don't you?

We could say we're
"scalping prices"!

Look! Comes with a kazoo!

My people, this video
portrays a r*cist myth.

It claims that our people
performed human sacrifice-

- Hi, Jaye!
- Hi.

Tell me, proud
brothers and sisters...

have we ever sacrificed
one of our own?

- You said we were goin' shopping.
- We are.

But first,
we must make a stand.

By sitting here as one until our good name
is returned to us, untarnished.

Tell your friends
they have to leave.

- Is he still on peyote?
- Don't blame the drugs.

- This is your fault.
- How is this my fault?

This woman is
the reason we're here.

She came to me and presented
this lie. This legend.

I've never felt so alive! Spread out.
I want everyone two arm's lengths apart.

Spread like the hawk's wings...

as she soars over the downy mountains in
search of her prey: the cotton-tailed rabbit.

Hi! This is your gym too?

Yeah. Never seen
you here before.

I'm here all the time.

- But mostly in the evenings.
- That's when I Krav Maga.

Is that the one where they teach you
how to rip someone's throat out?

It's a no-nonsense approach
to personal safety.

Hmm.

Oh! Thanks.

You always wear jewelry
when you work out?

Uh, just turquoise.

It helps me feel centered.

It's a Native American gem.
But I guess you already knew that.

You know...

I was thinking.

We have so much in common.
Yeah.

We both go to the same gym...

I wear turquoise.

- Why can't we just bury the hatchet?
- The hatchet?

That was not a racial slur.

Looks like those cigarettes
are taxing you.

Thank you for supporting
this imperialist establishment.

Enjoy your purchase
and have a r*cist day.

- I-I've... changed my mind.
- Wait!

We've got some stuff
that's not r*cist.

Look, a-a rainbow teddy bear.

He represents all people.
And he's g*y-friendly.

No. Thank you.

Get rid of them.

- What?
- You brought them here. You get rid of them.

What do you want me to do?
Like, litter and get 'em to chase me?

I don't care what you do,
but I'm gonna call security.

- Bill? Can I talk to you for just a quick second?
- Sure.

Isn't this great? They all really
look up to me.

- Yeah. You made them all sit down.
- Yeah.

Bill, you're not the guy.

I'm sorry, but it's true.

I know you wanted to be the guy,
and I wanted you to be the guy.

And... you look great
in the outfit, but...

you're not the guy.

So, you're saying...
I'm not the guy?

- Not so much the guy.
- But I passed the tests.

You cheated.
I mean, I cheated.

- I cheated for you.
- What?

I'm sorry.

Look, it-it's selfish,
and it's unfair...

but I had hoped that if you were
special, like your grandmother...

that you could
give me some answers.

I thought I was supposed to
show you that you were special.

But now I don't think
that was the lesson.

I think I was supposed
to show you that I was.

And that you're-

not... special.

But... I told you I wasn't.

- I know. Yeah.
- You said I was.

- So, how is that a lesson?
- Actually, I'm not sure the lesson was for you.

But- I finally found my place
in the tribe.

It's the wrong place.

I don't accept that. I'm following
in the footsteps of Gentlefeather.

I am a great spiritual leader
for my people.

- The cops are coming!
- Wait!

What are you doing?
Wh-Where are you going?

They're leaving. Nobody thinks
you're the guy, Bill.

Sorry, Bill Hooten,
grandson of Gentlefeather.

I wish you did have the gift. The tribe
yearns for someone with real vision...

but it is not to be.

No. No.

- This is another test.
- It's not a test, Bill.

It is, and I'm gonna pass it.

You will not sway me from
my path. And I will not rest...

until every piece of r*cist paraphernalia
is taken down from these shelves.

Could I have a sip?

I see you prepare for the sauna
as well as you prepare for court.

Okay. Fine.
You hate me. I hate you.

And as long as we're being perfectly
honest, I also hate turquoise.

But I beseech you
on behalf of my friend...

who is an innocent
in this matter...

and who really cannot
afford your fee.

Please, do not make
Mahandra McGinty suffer.

She deserves a fair trial.

She had a fair trial. She just
should have picked a better lawyer.

Give my regrets to
your nonnative client.

Fine!

What the- Tyler, you b*tch!

Please.
You have to stop this.

I'm just gonna have to
restock everything.

What is this?
Cowboy and Indian m*ssacre Set?

Is this what you teach children?

- He's not shopping, is he?
- I'm handling this.

Bill, it's just a toy.

- Some help here?
- It is kinda offensive.

Okay. Yes, it is. I'll
take it up with the owner.

I swear.
But just give me the box.

Give it! Everything's being videotaped.

Freeze!
Mall Security!

I ordered you to freeze! You better.
I have permission to sh**t you.

- Bill, Bill. Give me the g*n.
- g*n!

No, it's just a toy-

I told ya. I'm the one.

I died. And came back.

- It can't be.
- I touched the other side.

Again. I've retouched.

I'm invincible.

- Gerry? Thoughts?
- I'm pretty impressed with this one actually.

- sh**t him again.
- It won't matter. The b*ll*ts bounced right off.

Oh, yeah. They bounced.

- They're rubber.
- Rubber?

Yeah. And they're not b*ll*ts.
They're pellets.

Like r-rubber pellets
for crowd dispersal.

Oh.

I'm not invincible.

I'm really not the guy.

Deana Littlefoot.

Is that you, Tyler?

You have much to learn.

Oh, look.
It's the special one.

You come to tell me about how special you are?
'Cause I'd love to hear more about that.

Did my grandma tell you
how special you are?

Sort of.

Did you really talk to her?

Yeah. Didn't you?

I don't know.
It's all kinda hazy.

It was probably the peyote.

Or, maybe you actually
talked to her.

- I don't know.
- Why would she talk to me when she has you to talk to?

It was just one conversation.

Okay, so she said I had
"great purpose" or whatever.

She was vague, at best. Then
I talked about me for a while, and...

- that was it, really.
- I wish I had great purpose.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

No, you don't.
You really don't.

Having great purpose isn't
all it's cracked up to be.

I've had great purpose,
and I've had no purpose...

and I have to say,
no purpose is a lot easier.

Expectations are low.
Nobody asks you for anything.

Count your blessings.

Oh, grow up, Littlefoot!

What, now you have
to sweat more than me?

Oh, my God!

Deana!

I need a little help in here!

Behind this door
is one very dehydrated...

very angry,
and very litigious woman.

Pry, man! Pry!

I'm pryin', lady!

Littlefoot.

Tyler.

Sure, it can be nice
on occasion.

In a triumph-of-the-human-spirit
sort of way...

but most of the time, it feels like
the universe doing this:

"Why are you hitting
yourself, Jaye?

- Why are you hitting yourself?"
- Ow! Stop it.

Well, that's what being special
really feels like.

At least, that's been my experience.

- Maybe you're doin' it wrong.
- I don't think there's a right way to do it.

Well, you're not gonna
find it with that attitude.

- What?
- You don't realize how lucky you are.

You're the lucky one.

I'd love to be
just an accountant.

Well, maybe not an accountant, but
something a little more interesti-

To me.

And yet, equally not special.

Like a retail clerk?

Preferably more
interesting than that.

- You'd really want to be me?
- Yeah.

- Pathetic, isn't it?
- We're both pathetic.

But at least you're
pathetic with great purpose.

I'm pathetic with no purpose.
The saddest part is...

when I leave here...

there's no reason
to ever come back.

You could come back
to buy cigarettes.

I don't smoke.

You could start.

So aren't you even just
a weensy bit relieved...

that you're not responsible
for the spiritual well-being...

of an entire reservation?

I mean, that's a lot of people.
With a lot of problems.

- Oh. Yeah.
- And there's a lot of drama on the rez.

I know.

Could I just maybe keep your resident
card if you're not gonna come back?

My sister's gonna want more
cigarettes when these run out.

Thanks.

Oh, look! There's some of
your friends from the sit-in.

- Are they following us?
- No, but they are staring.

Good-bye, Bill Hooten.

Good-bye.

Sorry about the protests
and everything.

- At least, no one was arrested.
- Mm-hmm.

- How is your burden?
- Yeah, it's not goin' anywhere.

- How's yours?
- Littlefoot's rooted in like a tick.

I need a spiritual leader
to burn a match on her a*s.

Isn't that your tick now?

Gentlefeather appeared to me.

She appeared to you too?

A vision in the mist.

She spoke of a horse that would guide
our people where they long to go.

A new direction
it wants to run.

And, grandson
of Gentlefeather...

I was told that
you would teach me...

how to ride this horse.

But I don't know anything
about riding horses.

- I'm an accountant.
- Yes.

Your grandmother told me
you were very good at numbers.

Let me tell you
about my vision.

We need an accountant to ride
through the land of imperious plenty...

and bring back
a casino with blackjack...

poker, and Vegas-style
slot machines.

I think your tick may have
just burned its own a*s.

- Did you see that thing with the feathers?
- Oh, good. You saw it too?

You said you needed a spiritual
leader to relieve your burden.

- There she is.
- Yeah. I guess so.

- You know, I'm not so sure
if my burden's a burden or not.

I mean, other people
seem to want it.

And that should always make you pause
before you give something up.

A lesson my people have learned
time and time again.