01x08 - Lovesick a*s

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on Wonderfalls.
- This lion is defective.

Don't give her money back.

I'm almost numb enough to start something
on the rebound. What do you say?

I may be clinically insane. You might wanna
hold out for someone a little more stable.

- How'd you get him to do that?
- I asked.

- Very clever.
- He was surprisingly eager.

- Eager's a good thing.
- Uh-huh.

- You're staring.
- Uh-huh.

No, I'm not. I'm... supervising.

I see what you're supervisin'.

It's like an apple. You could
bounce a quarter off that apple.

Apples are good for you.

Oh!

- Hi.
- Sure is hot.

- Sure is.
- You want something to drink?

- I have bottled water.
- Bottled would be great.

I'll get it.

You stay and continue
the mating ritual.

When do I get to come over
and watch TV?

Oh. I don't know. I just have the one TV,
and it's very small.

That's okay.
We can sit close.

Heads up.

- Thank you.
- Welcome.

We could sit close.
So close. So close.

Your man sweat is like
honey-mustard glaze on my tongue.

- Inappropriate touching.
- This isn't fun for anybody.

- Stop it!
- You stop it.

- I haven't started anything.
- That's what I'm talking about.

You should stop with the not-starting
and start something already.

He's married.

To a philandering strumpet.
Those sorts of marriages get annulled.

I can't be in a relationship
right now.

- I have... issues.
- Who doesn't?

I'm going through
a "me" phase.

- "Going through"?
- Leave me alone.

Why can't I just be celibate?

Um, because you like boys?

And this boy is ready
for your jelly.

Look at him.
He's smitten.

Uh!

Smitten and eager are bad.

You know what you get
with smitten and eager.

Romance- relentless, treacly,
manufactured romance.

That kind of romance
never ends well.

Darling.

Girl needs a boy.

- What did you say?
- Girl needs a boy.

What girl needs is to get in the door
before the badgering starts.

That's what girl needs.
'Kay?

- Girl needs-
- Coffee!

Girl needs a-

Girl might actually find time
to have a boy if you'd ever shut up.

Doughnut.

Girl needs a doughnut.

Finally something sensible.

- Hmm.
- Mmm!

- Hi.
- Hi. I was just comin' to see you.

- You were?
- Yeah. I brought you doughnuts.

- Those doughnuts?
- Mm-hmm.

- She was starving.
- But you were bringing me-

And then she's here-
And now they're all-

- And she is?
- Her name's Katya. From Russia.

- Mm.
- I was passing by...

and a little voice told me I should
probably stop and check on her.

Voice?
There was a voice?

Yeah. You know,
that little voice inside?

Oh, right.
The little voice inside.

She looked like
she needed help.

Interesting.

- I guess she's been here all night.
- She slept at the fountain?

Fountain of Love.
I meet my Peter.

I marry.
But he no come.

- Peter got a phone number?
- No. No phone.

But he make me letter.

These are all e-mail printouts.

No last name.
No physical address.

You think she's one of those
Russian mail order brides?

- You know, sex sl*ve?
- No sex sl*ve!

I coming for love... and some sex.
But no sl*ve.

This is so sad.

Still hunger.

And another order
of buffalo wings.

- Taste like chicken, yes?
- Yeah.

Funny, right?

"Never break this spell
I'm under.

Every thought of you
is wonder. "

I think I just
threw up a little in my mouth.

I don't know.
I think it's kinda sweet.

Anyway, we're supposed to be looking
for clues, not critiquing the lovelorn.

Okay, but I gotta ask. I mean, I sorta
get why you'd give her my doughnuts...

and even springing for
the "all you can eat" wings.

But even if we do
find this guy...

there's gotta be a reason
he ditched her.

Why would you wanna
get involved in something...

so potentially messy and complicated
if you don't have to?

Because she makes me sad.

- Are you attracted to her?
- If I were attracted to her...

I wouldn't be trying to find
the guy she's in love with, would I?

Oh. Good answer.

Is this because of Heidi?

- Heidi?
- Yeah, your wife.

I know who Heidi is. Why would it
have anything to do with Heidi?

It would explain why you're so big
with the empathy.

Hell, you only had to drive in from New Jersey to be
betrayed and dumped on your honeymoon.

That poor woman came all the way from Asia
Minor and never even got to have the wedding.

I am over Heidi.

But I have been in love,
if that's what you mean.

Well, yeah, who hasn't?

- Have you?
- Have I what?

- Been in love.
- Yeah.

Sure. I think so.

You think so.

I've had boyfriends.
Lots.

- Yeah, but you've never been in love.
- You don't know that.

It would explain why these letters
make you cringe.

It's like a language
you haven't yet learned.

Actually, I think it's a language
the author hasn't yet learned.

He seems to think "nuptial"
rhymes with "cupful. "

When it happens to you- when you finally
open yourself up to it-

you'll just know it
in your bones.

- What do you mean, open myself up to it?
- You are a little closed-off.

- I'm not closed-off.
- A little bit.

I thought maybe it was
because you'd been hurt.

- But since you've never been in love.
- I've been hurt.

- Okay.
- And I'm not closed-off.

I'm open-
open for business.

I'm just not actively...
active right now...

because my life is so... full.

Solve the mystery? Or should I have Pedro
slaughter some more chickens?

- We're still workin' on it.
- You better work quick.

You do know this girl's supposed to get
married at 6:00 at the Fountain of Love?

- That's where we found her.
- She thinks people get married at the fountain.

The Fountain of Love is a chapel
down on Rainbow Boulevard.

Oh.
That Fountain of Love.

- Can you believe this place?
- I know. Is too beautiful.

- Hi. We're here about a wedding.
- Of course you are.

Katya here is-

She's, you know...

- the one who's-
- Katya's the bride...

and we're wondering
if the groom has arrived.

- His name Peter.
- Peter got a last name?

They're on a first-name basis.


got on the books for 6:00?

- 6:00 canceled.
- Cancel?

- No cancel!
- Yes, canceled.

A stop payment was put
on the credit card charges last night.

Cancel.

Think we could get
an address and phone number?

- Oh.
- Our privacy policy is very strict.

How about just the last name?

- Come on. She's his fiancée.
- Then she should have his contact information.

And if she doesn't, well,
it's probably for his own safety.

How bad do you think I'd feel
if I gave you his address...

and you went over there
and k*lled the son of a b*tch?

- Eric!
- Nobody panic.

I've seen this a million times.

- Come on.
- Eric!

That was awesome!

You did the whole vapors thing
and dropped.

It got a little Don Knotts at the end
with the eye-rolling...

but, other than that,
very real.

That was real?

I'm sorry.
The last time-

- The last time I was in one of those was when-
- Heidi.

I wasn't expecting-
I really am over her.

You seem over her.

Is beautiful.

I always dream
of such a house-

split-level revival
with French modern influence. Da?

Yeah. Nice pad.

Oh, I change my mind
like he did.

- What?
- Maybe he come and see I no great prize.

That'd be impossible.
You're adorable.

Katya, this is something
you have to do.

- If you don't ring that bell, it could haunt you.
- He's right.

If you don't face this now, you could be
eating chapel floor the rest of your life.

That wasn't a reference.

I not know.

- He owes you an explanation.
- And airfare.

- He owes you airfare.
- No.

He no want me. He reject me.
He cancel credit card.

Fine, but if he canceled after he
brought you all the way over here...

then he's damn well
gonna explain why.

Don't you want that?
Don't you think you deserve that?

Ring bell.

Hi. We're looking
for Peter Johnson.

I'm Peter Johnson.

- The other Peter Johnson.
- There isn't one. I'm Peter.

And you must be Katya,
my darling.

Oh, no.
I need bigger Peter.

My darling Katya, I would never
have missed our nuptials...

except I got grounded.

- What are you, like, five?
- Sixteen.

Fifteen.

Fourteen...
on my next birthday.

- He tiny boy.
- I'm so sorry, my darling.

If I had just cashed in a bond
and not used my dad's credit card...

I'd be married now
instead of grounded.

But in J PEG you send, you man,
not unripe dumpling.

I used photo-imaging software
to age myself.

It's how I will look...
in 12 to 15 years.

But you- You look
even better than your JPEG.

I send you
most intimate photographs.

I know. I made them into
my desktop wallpaper.

Katya!

Katya, please, darling.

Can't you get her to stop?

She just found out
the man she loves doesn't exist.

Her heart's broken.
This is what happens.

People cry.
I cried for three days.

- Okay, you were right.
I guess I've never been in love.

Because the only time I made a noise
like that, I'd had some bad fish.

Love doesn't always
sound like that.

You have to be willing to risk the heartache
if you want the good stuff. Right?

I'm pretty sure there's lots of good stuff
you can get without all of that.

Sure, but if you want to be close
to somebody- really close-

you have to open yourself up.

Like a wound?

- You have to drop the defenses.
- I don't have defenses.

No. You have offenses.

Don't you ever wish you had someone
you could just be yourself with?

I'm not sure
who that is yet.

Well, wouldn't it be
interesting to find out?

I want home!

I want Russia!

I am all alone!
I have no one!

Well, all of us are alone, essentially.

You not alone.
You have Eric the Great for boyfriend.

Uh, no boyfriend.
Not boyfriend.

Just boy. Just friend.
Not a couple.

- There's no couple.
- I think she got it. I think we all did.

You alone too?

Yeah.

Katya!

Katya!

- Shut up!
- Keep it running!

- Get outta here.
- I came to collect my wife!

Leave! Shoo!

No shoe.
Definitely not those shoes.

Come away with me to my cabin...

our magical hideaway where you'll
always be safe and pampered.

And all your desires
will forever be met.

Come, Katya! Come!

Yeah. What she said.

Let me have my bride!

That kid doesn't need a bride.
He needs a talking-to.

Someone needs to explain to him
what it means to be a man.

You can't expect
a guy to do that.

- Peter, you and I have to have a talk.
- Here.


Welcome to America. We'll be back.

At Josh Posganser's bar mitzvah...

the rabbi proclaimed
he was a man...

and he turned 13
six months after I did.

That doesn't make him a man.
That's a symbolic rite of passage.

A 13-year-old isn't ready
for the responsibilities...

that come with starting
an adult relationship.

I did everything
I was supposed to do.

I found a woman. I paid for her.
I intended to marry her...

and provide my family's luxurious cabin
on the lake in Chautauqua.

I'm ready. I love her.
I burn for her.

You lied to her. You didn't tell her
who you really were.

- She knows who I am now.
- And she doesn't want you.

See what happens
when you tell the truth?

Sorry. Continue.

- Anyway-
- Tell him how getting involved in a relationship...

is like heaving after bad fish.

That wasn't my observation.
That was yours.

Oh.

Tell him the thing
about how love is like an open wound.

- Also yours.
- Oh.

Peter, for your own good, don't go after
a woman who isn't interested.

- They'll just make you crazy.
- What's that supposed to mean?

Just giving the kid
some advice.

That's not advice.
That's thinly veiled subtext.

Whether she's interested or not
isn't the point.

- So you think maybe she is?
- Shut up.

He's 13.
He's practically a zygote.

That's the only argument
you need to make.

- I'll be 14 in a month.
- See? He's willing to wait.

Don't wait. She doesn't want you.
You're setting yourself up to be tortured.

Actually, t*rture would imply
some malicious intent on her part...

and I don't see it.

- You'd be torturing yourself.
- So you can't really blame her.

Who said anything about blame?
If it's not there, it's not there.

- Nothin' you can do about it.
- Sometimes it's there.

There's just larger,
more insurmountable obstacles.

Something can't be
"more insurmountable. "

- It's either surmountable or it's not.
- Point is- obstacles.

- The only obstacle would be her disinterest.
- Or not.

You know what? I agree with your girlfriend.
There's a chance she's interested.

Your boyfriend's right.
It's not insurmountable.

I wanna thank you both.

Nice job.

Hi. I think maybe I wasn't
getting my point across back there.

Here's the remedial version.
Stay the hell away from Katya!

She didn't pack up her whole life and leave
everything behind so she could be with an embryo.

She wants a man,
a real man.

My God, you've got fire.

Yeah, and it's gonna burn you
unless you stay away from her.

Leave her alone.
Forget about her.

I've forgotten about her already.

Good. Each time you start
to think of her...

think of me instead-
my burning fire!

- Got me?
- Uh-huh. Burning fire.

- Who are you forgetting about?
- I don't remember.

Keep it that way.

- Are you in the Mafia?
- What are you talking about?

A Russian mail order bride
is not something you get on eBay.

You do realize these women
are Russian mob-controlled sex sl*ves.

You can't be involved
with a sex sl*ve.

You get too close to something like that,
you might be next.

I can't be next. I'm not ready
for a relationship right now.

- Huh?
- I'm just trying to help her out.

- Out of what?
- Out of my trailer.

Where's your sense of compassion?
Can't you just have her deported?

I can't have her deported
unless her visa expires.

- What if she breaks the law?
- You cannot go down that road again.

There's no more wiggle room
on your rap sheet.

- I promised myself I wouldn't beg.
- No. No. No begging.

Please.
Please help me.

I- I don't-

- I guess I'll see what I can do.
- Thank you.

What?

You're not laughing
because of the begging?

I just think it's funny
you moved in with a woman before I did.

- Oh. Hello.
- Hi.

You cleaned.

Having to do "somethings"
to stop crying.

- I hope you not minding.
- Not at all.

I kinda like having a wife.

Oh, my God. You made dinner?

Is that "yes"
or is that "dinner"?

I not knowing
how to expect you back...

so I not telling you about, um-

- Hi.
- Hi.

Eric, you come too quick.

I believe you've met my wife-

who seems to have
fidelity issues.

Vodka.
Sorry. It's not Russian.

I put in freezer.
You sit.

So I guess she won't be crying
for three days.

- This isn't a date.
- What is it then?

Oh. Fish Jell-O.

And it looks like
just enough for two.

No. Plenty for all.
Uh, you stay.

You can be third wheel.

Matryoshka.
Nesting doll.

- My town, Zagorsk, famous for this.
- Beautiful.

This is me. I always baby.

I feel so small.
I want bigger.

But mostly, I need love.

Couldn't find it
back home, huh?

Only old "mens" and cr*pple,
so I making Web page.

And Peter, he hit me many times
with much love...

so I coming as bride
to America...

to live with many things
and much food.

- And look where I now-
in sardine can with curtains.

Mmm!

Capitalism mean land of plenty.

Capitalism makes society greedy,
insensitive.

With socialism, everyone would have a job, and
everyone would have the same amount of money.

Everyone have job.
No one get paid.

You waiting in line 30 hours in frozen cold
for piece of bread...

and then you telling me
you liking socialism.

You can't lead with a heart
until hearts are broken.

- Mm, my heart's not broken?
- No, these hearts.

Your turn.

Oh, Jaye breaks hearts.

Yes, she does.

I'll show you a real man.

- This was in your hair.
- Dorsal fin.

I was looking for that.
Thanks.

So how long is glasnost
gonna go on tonight?

'Cause, you know,
I gotta get up early.

- Aren't you having a good time?
- Mm, not as good as some people.

Though that could be because I don't have
anyone cutting my Jell-O for me.

You really shouldn't
lead her on.

Do you think I have?

No. You've been
a perfect gentleman...

but that could be taken
the wrong way, you know.

By whom?

I thought you said
you weren't attracted to her.

Well, she was engaged
at the time.

And now that she's not,
you suddenly are attracted?

- I didn't say that.
- What are you saying?

Who's for vodka?

Look what your boyfriend
did to me.

Hi. I have a problem.

Peter showed up at my house last night
with a big black eye, and he says you did it.

- That's ridiculous.
- Yeah, I know. I have a problem.

Peter showed up at my house last night
with a big black eye, and he says you did it.

What are you laughing at? It's not funny.

Clearly he did it to himself. The kid
is disturbed. He thinks you're my boyfriend.

- You're the one that gave him a taste for it.
- For what?

Violence. I'm sure
he fell in love with you...

the second you threw him
up against that wall.

No. If I wanted him
to fall in love with me...

I would have given him
a taste for fish Jell-O.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- It's impossible you could have liked any of your 3 portions.

It's fish Jell-O.
You do realize that's Jell-O and fish?

I don't know why you're
so bent out of shape.

You made it perfectly clear
you weren't interested in me.

When did I make anything
perfectly clear?

"No boyfriend.
Not boyfriend. Just boy. "

Did you mention that
to little Peter?

You're not my boyfriend. It's just a statement
of fact. Doesn't mean I'm not interested.

Are you?

If I were in a position
to be interested in somebody...

I think it could be safe to say
it'd be someone very much...

not unlike... you.

Did you just come down here
to deliver your mixed message in person?

I came here because I have a Peter problem.
He invited me to the opera.

You gotta help me out. I can't have a stalker
whose voice hasn't changed yet.

- I don't know what you expect me to do about it.
- Talk to him.

Or smack him around for real.
Whatever.

He'll never hear it from me.
He thinks I'm your boyfriend.

He'll never hear it from me.
He thinks I'm his girlfriend.

Then I guess we'll just have to find someone
he will hear it from.

Set that crate down right here.

- Excuse me. Are you d*ck Johnson?
- Yeah. Not now.

Fernando, we gotta
reprocess that shipment.

- Mr. Johnson, if you could just give me a few minutes.
- It better be good.

- You tell me. I need to speak to you about your kid.
- What about my kid?

Look what your boyfriend's
father did to me.

I probably shouldn't have
said that thing about his wife.

Whatever you said
didn't give him any right to hit you.

I kind of implied that Peter was taking his cue
from the way his father treats his mother.

- That doesn't sound so bad.
- Apparently she's dead.

- She died a year ago.
- Oh.

And he didn't actually hit me, but it was
his fault that I walked into the forklift.

- So Peter have no mother?
- Seems like he doesn't have anybody really.

Poor kid's trying to deal
with his mother's death...

and he's got a father
that can't be bothered. Ow!

- Sorry.
- You make so cold you k*ll flesh.

We disinfect.

He's obviously starving for adult attention,
and he's not getting it at home.

He's hit puberty,
and now he's confusing the issue.

Ah. Ah.

Well, clearly, there's just one solution
to this problem.

I'm gonna have to start
dating the kid.

Oh, geez.

You're not dressed for an afternoon
of Tchaikovsky and heavy petting.

Ew! Just get in the car.

- Are we going someplace more intimate?
- Oh, yeah.

You're gonna love it.

I knew you'd come around.

I hope you're through with that
a*usive boyfriend of yours.

- He's not my boyfriend.
- Did he beat you?

He didn't beat me,
and he didn't beat you either.

He denied it, didn't he?
Of course he did. He's a liar.

He's a liar
who beats people.

He's not a liar.
You're a liar.

- Did you, like, pay someone to hit you?
- No.

With eyes that beautiful,
how can you be so blind?

- What?
- He's threatened by me.

- Oh, shut up.
- He wants you all to himself.

He won't share you with anyone.
You're in danger.

He's dangerous.
I saw him smoking a cigarette.

He doesn't smoke.
He doesn't hit people.

He doesn't deface synagogues.
He doesn't frequent g*y bathhouses.

- I have pictures.
- You have photo-imaging software!

I only want to protect you.
Come with me to my cabin.

I'll keep you safe.
We have a cellar.

Listen, you could really learn a thing or two
from the book that is Eric.

You'd be lucky to grow
into half the man he is.

Huh! Yeah, right.
He's a wuss.

Where are we going?

Excuse me. Mr. Johnson?
I'd like you to meet your son.

- We've met actually.
- What'd you do?

- My only sin is love.
- What'd he do?

He ordered a wife
from Russia.

You bought a woman?

She's my fiancée.
Was my fiancée.

Where is she now,
in some kind of shelter?

She's singing Russian folk ballads at
the High and Dry Trailer Park.

He was planning
on locking her away in the woods...

where nobody would know about her...
or hear her scream.

What were you gonna
do with her, Peter?

Protect her!
That's what you're supposed to do.

You're supposed to protect your wife
and keep her safe...

and make sure
she doesn't die.

- Peter, she had cancer.
- You should've kept her safe-

safe from carcinogens,
safe from power lines and microwaves.

If you loved her more,
you would have kept her safe.

If he loved her
like I love you.

Okay, that's my other problem.

Peter, you're 12 years old.
You don't love this woman.

How would you know?
You don't know how to love!

That's what's wrong with you!

He's a wuss-
just like your boyfriend.

If you want to slap him,
I'll totally look the other way.

I'll show you how to love.

I'm Jaye.

Nice to meet you.

I'm just gonna...

make sure he doesn't
steal my car.

You little son of a b*tch!

I hitched a ride
on a poultry truck.

And can I just say-
I'm never eating wings, ever again...

unless they're actually
made from buffalo.

Where's Eric?
I need to talk to him about our son.

- I thought he was with you.
- Me?

Why would he be with me?
We're not a couple.

Then why would you
have a son?

- And are you referring to that freaky kid Eric just left with?
- He was here?

- And are you referring to that freaky kid Eric just left with?
- He was here?

Uh-huh. Came in, said something about you
and a cabin, and then they both ran outta here.

Not that I was eavesdropping.
Well, not very successfully anyway.

Oh, my God.
Psycho-boy cabin.

The kid's probably got a shrine up there with
Eric's picture and a bull's-eye or something.

The cabin. The cabin.
Where did he say it was?

- On a lake. Which lake? Was it Chautauqua?
- What is going on?

- Remember that Russian mail order bride?
- Yeah.

Actually, that's all I have time for right now.
I need your car.

- What happened to yours?
- I lost it.

Um, I don't feel comfortable lending my car
to someone who lost theirs.

I need your car.

Lives are at stake...
possibly.

That kid's not right.
He's fixated on Eric.

- Keeps insisting I should dump him.
- I thought you weren't a couple.

Shut up.
I need your car.

After the last time I let you borrow my car,
I'm thinkin'... not.

Fine. Where's Eric's car?

Probably in the parking lot,
where people with cars park them.

- Where are his keys?
- Probably in his pocket...

where people with pockets
put things like keys.

- Damn.
- And since when do you need keys...

to start a car
that doesn't belong to you?

Ooh. Good point.

- Where is she?
- Inside.

I told you.
She's inside.

But you can't just
go rushing in there.

- You're gonna spook her.
- Why is she even up here?

I told you. She's under the impression
that you assaulted me.

- Right, because you told her that.
- Yes, yes. Whatever.

Anyway, she came up here
to beg me not to press charges.

- That's when she hit her head?
- She did that when she passed out.

I thought she was trying to scare me because-
You know how women are.

But she seemed pretty upset.

I tried to call a doctor.
She wouldn't let me.

She said
she'd only talk to you.

Only you.

She only wanted you.

Jaye?

Jaye?

Do you want me to kick your a*s?
'Cause I can.

I can do that if you'd like.

I'd rather this not spiral
into a whole physical thing...

so I'll respectfully decline
your offer to kick my a*s.

How long did you know?

- The whole time.
- Damn.

Even if you got rid of me, you'd still be left
with the biggest obstacle to Jaye's heart.

- What's that?
- Jaye.

- Hello?
- Who is it?

It's d*ck Johnson,
Peter's father.

Hmm!

Look, I'm sorry
he did this to you.

I'm gonna
pay your way back, okay?

I see tree drop
same rotten fruit.

- Excuse me?
- You like Peter. Not so tiny.

But you cannot put out fire
by peeing much money on big flame.

You let small child who is like cross-eyed dog
to run and "poo" over whole village.

If you're finished with the potty metaphors,
just give me the name I can put on the check.

Pay, pay, pay.
What Peter needing, you cannot pay.

He have no parents.

- He has no mother.
- He have no parents.

He have no mother.
He have no father also.

He needing love.
He troubled.

He tortured poet.

Tortured maybe.
Poet? Don't think so.

Da. Look at what your boy
he write to me.

"I etched your name
in the clouds...

"but it was lost
when the thunder cried.

"I etched your name
in the surf...

"but it was stolen
by the rising tide.

- I etched your name-"
- I etched your name in my heart...

and forever
it will there reside.

- You have read this?
- I wrote it.

- What?
- To my wife, years ago.

Peter, he must have found these
and copied them.

I had no idea
she kept them all these years.

Who would throw away
such words?

Her heart
was captured by this.

Yeah. I guess so.

And mine too.

I can't stop thinking about her.

There's nothing wrong with that.
It's normal.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Why does it have
to hurt so bad?

Because you love her, but you know
it's impossible to be with her.

Think I'll ever forget her?

She's your mother.
She'll always be a part of you.

- Sorry I tried to steal your woman.
- Jaye's not my woman.

- She's not?
- Uh-uh.

Oh. Think I still have a shot?

Actually, by the time
you're old enough to date...

she might be ready to stop running,
so maybe you do.

- What's she running from?
- I don't know.

It'll take a smarter man than me
to answer that.

I'm smarter than you,
and I can't solve the riddle that is Jaye.

- She is a riddle.
- She's the most mysterious girl I've ever known.

- She's an enigma.
- She's a conundrum.

She's a 10-million-piece sky puzzle.

She's a lifetime
of New York Times Sunday crosswords.

- She's a Rubik's Cube.
- She's here.

In my car.

Okay, so would one of you please tell me
why someone isn't dead or injured?

Say, for instance, him!

I risked my life and your car
to rush out here.

And, may I say, jeopardy
puts a lovely blush in your cheek.

Shut up.
Get me a soda.

Okay.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Yes. Can you help me?

Jaye?
Is- Is Jaye... in there?

No. Jaye no is here.

- You must be Katya.
- Da. I am she.

Jaye asked me to look into
helping you return to Russia.

- I think I've found a way.
- Hi.

She can't go back
right now.

In fact, I'm not sure
she's ever gonna leave.

But I'd appreciate it
if you would.

So, you came to rescue me.

I guess I kinda did.

Thanks, but he is only a kid.

Yeah. Well, I guess I was trying
to rescue you from me.

I'm the one
who let him get away.

I don't think I need
to be rescued from you.

- In fact, I think that-
- You know what...

maybe this isn't a conversation
we should be having right now.

This isn't gonna be
a conversation.

It's actually
gonna be a speech by me.

I had some time to think during
my abduction, and here's the thing.

I don't know
what your issues are...

or what happened to you
to make you the way you are...

but you're clearly not ready
for a relationship.

Frankly, I think with you any sort
of human interaction is pretty iffy.

And that's not a criticism
because, God knows...

you saw what happened to me
back in that chapel.

I'm damaged, and it's gonna
take me time to heal-

probably longer
than I can guess.

Which is why I think...

we should absolutely
have a date.

- What?
- You know, a date.

I know what a date is.

You're not talking
about the fruit, are you?

I just feel like
there's something here-

a spark or chemistry
or something.

We should explore that.

But the issues and the damage,
you weren't wrong about any of that.

In fact, you don't even
know the half of it.

Forget about your damage.
I'm quite possibly certifiable.

Why would you want
to get involved with anything...

potentially as messy
and complicated as...

well, me?

Because you make me happy.

So, you know when you have,
like, that first date...

and there's all that tension
because you've never kissed before?

Now we can just go out,
and it can be tension-free.

I, uh-
I still have tension.

So, I guess you worked out
your differences.

We didn't have
any differences.

Congratulations to the victor.

I'm gracious enough to admit
that the better man has won the girl.

Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.

You know, eventually.

I may still have issues.

Get the ball, Bud.