01x06 - Muffin Buffalo

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on Wonderfalls.
- Make me a match.

You can't talk.
You don't have a larynx.

Are you Satan? Are you God?

I'm a crazy person.

Your a*s is ringing.

- My a*s rings a lot.
- Why do you have an a*s if you don't answer it?

Her name's Heidi.
She's my college sweetheart.

Married in Jersey. Honeymoon in Niagara.
It was like a fairy tale.

- Until I caught her with the bellman in our room.
- Sweet.

I'm almost numb enough to start something on
the rebound. What do you say?

I may be clinically insane. You might wanna
hold out for someone a little more stable.

Go ahead. Say something.

Say, "Make me a match. "

Bet you'd talk
if I stuck a wick in your butt.

Can you say, "Make me a candle"?

Okay. Thanks for calling.
Have a good day. Bye-bye.

- Another personal call.
- No.

- Phone bills can be checked.
- Whatever.

I know it's traditional for labor to be
at odds with management...

but it really would be in your own
best interest to lose the 'tude.

- I don't have 'tude.
- You do. You have 'tude.

And while you may think I have
no interest in your success here, I do.

I'm the assistant manager. If you suck,
it reflects on me. So stop sucking.

I can't be here to
cover for you indefinitely.

- Cover for me?
- I've been very lenient in my reports.

Upper management thinks you're doing
a much better job than you really are, so F.Y.I.

And by "upper management,"
do you mean Peggy?

- She thinks you're a model employee.
- I am a model employee.

Most really successful people are on a solid
career track by the time they get to your age.

- I'm 24.
- It's never too late.

If you buckle down now,
show a little initiative...

you can make sure there'll always be
a place for you here at Wonderfalls.

- Oh, God!
- Don't you think it's time you started giving a little back?

You have to contribute
and stop taking.

And in order to put in,
you have to give back.

Give it back to her.

- Give it back to her.
- Fine. Fine. I'm giving back.

That's not giving. That's taking.

Give what back to her?

Oh.

- Give it back to her.
- I'm working on it.

Got it.

Where'd she go?

Should I put this back?

Might as well keep it. You can
apply it toward the fine.

Give it... back.

- Is it rare or something?
- 1998. Nope, just a quarter.

- And you paid 50 bucks for it?
- Yeah.

Does that make me a loser?

That just makes you eccentric.
Living in a trailer park, however-

Uh, some guy named Darryl. He wants
to know if you're coming back to work.

- Delete.
- At least I own property.

- Your property's on wheels.
- A lot of good it's done. I'm still stuck here.

Oh, wah. It's your mom again.

Ooh, she is upset.

"I've died a thousands deaths. "
She said that. Those words.

- Save.
- Why are you making her check messages for you?

It's less stressful
if I don't have to hear the voices...

- and I've decided they're not my messages anyway.
- Whose are they?

Some guy named Eric who came to Niagara for
his honeymoon and caught his wife with a bellman.

- You are that guy.
- No, I'm not. I've moved on. I stopped wearing the ring.

- You're still married.
- Marriage is not the institution it used to be.

I am utterly, totally,
completely available right now...

if, um, someone were to be interested.

It's your wife.

- Boy, she even sounds like a sl*t.
- Save.

So much for moving on.

Call me back.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

- Are you mocking me?
- No, I'm not.

- Like you know who that is.
- I don't.

- Who is she?
- It's Millie Marcus.

That picture she's looking at?
That's her.

- Why's her picture on the wall?
- Only because she was super famous.

Millie Marcus was the first American woman
to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel...

- and live.
- How does going over Niagara Falls...

- in a barrel make anyone famous?
- Because it's Niagara Falls.

Where is your hometown pride? God, you
really are like a Hobbit that hates the Shire.

Hey. Give it back to her.

I'm gonna get her autograph.

- Millie Marcus.
- Yes?

You don't know me, and I'm pretty sure
it can't be this simple...

but I wanted to give you this.

- It's yours.
- Not the quarter.

Right. So not the quarter.

Miss Marcus. Hi.

I'm a huge fan.
My dad's been telling me about you all my life.

He's the guy who fishes
corpses out of the river.

- Oh.
- Could I get your autograph?

You have any idea how long
it's been since someone asked-

Oh. Really, a napkin?

- Or maybe this.
- It's okay. She works here.

- So, do you still live in Paris?
- Yes.

Wow. You just did that one little thing...

and it got you out of here
and all the way to France?

Well, it wasn't exactly a little thing.
That stunt nearly k*lled me.

See? She was willing to
k*ll herself to get out of here.

But, all of my really precious memories
were made here.

And since there was nothing
keeping me elsewhere, I-

- No family or anything?
- No.

In a way, the public's
always been my family.

Of course, now that family's all grown up
and left the nest and forgotten about old Millie.

It's Mahandra with an "H."

You know, it's worth more
if I don't personalize it.

- Not to me.
- You like signing autographs, huh?

Millie Marcus right here.

First American woman
to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel...

and live.

Why don't we move the table out on the
courtyard? That way, more people can see me.

They said you'd get a fine.

My manager Hank used to have people lined up
around the block waiting for my autograph.

But he's probably dead,
so I guess no one's coming.

I appreciate that
you're showing initiative...

but you said she was gonna
attract customers, not drive them away.

- We still have customers.
- Not in a 10-foot radius of that table.

Why am I the only one talking to her?

I don't wanna be the only one talking to her.
She's not a pariah.

- Maybe I should've told more people.
- Did you tell anyone?

Not really.

This is so sad.

This is sadder than that hooker we saw
getting beat up by that other hooker.

At least a hooker fight
would draw a crowd.

All right. Why are you doing this?

- What do you mean?
- You really expect me to believe you've just...

spontaneously tapped into
the magic that is Niagara?

- Well-
- Right. So, I'm forced to wonder...

am I the target of your cruel buzz-k*ll, or
are you trying to humiliate an old woman?

I'm not trying to humiliate anyone...
not intentionally.

She said she liked signing autographs.
What do you expect me to do?

What you usually do, nothing.

- I thought you'd like that I was showing an interest.
- I would if I believed it.

Okay. Well, the truth is...

you made Millie seem so cool
I just wanted to be her friend.

And it's wrong that nobody knows
who she is anymore and-

Did you find everything okay?

Yes. Thank you.
Um, who's that woman over there?

Millie Marcus. First American woman to go
over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

- And live.
- Is it a book signing?

- Photo signing. That's why the photos.
- Oh.

- There's no book?
- No book.

So Millie could be your coauthor...

and the book could be
a historical tour of Niagara Falls.

I've already written a book
on Niagara Falls, sweetheart.

They sell it at
the store where you work.

- So, are we not going to the movies?
- Don't be rude. Have some cake.

Well, you could write a sequel.

- There's no market for a sequel.
- How can you be so sure?

Your mother's a well-respected authoress.
She'd know.

I've read several of
your travel guides, Mrs. Tyler.

Do call me Karen, and I'd be more than happy
to sign anything that you brought with you.

Our son wanted to go over Niagara Falls in
a barrel himself when he was a child.

- We discouraged it, of course.
- Yeah.

Well, the book doesn't have to be
all about Niagara Falls.

- It could just be a section.
- We're not talking about that anymore. There is no book.

Our daughter seems
quite taken with you, Millie.

Do you always have
this effect on young people?

I suppose I did back in the day,
but, I have to admit...

it's been a long time since anyone took
such an active interest.

She accomplished a thing, okay? Hell, it got
her out of here and all the way to Paris, France.

And who could use the example of
an American hero more than the French?

- Oh, I'd hardly call myself a hero.
- That's what you are.

Your story embodies the pioneering spirit
of innovation...

that thrives in
today's modern woman.

Jaye's sister and I are both
very active members of CLAW.

Concerned Ladies of America West.
East Coast branch.

We've been promoting achievement
and morality in family life...

and public policies since-
what- since you were 16?

How do you live with yourself?

The Concerned Ladies are always
looking for inspirational speakers.

Now-Now, they would be interested in
Millie's story. Don't you think, Sharon?

Yeah, don't the worried women
have, like, bake sales or raffles?

- They have fund-raisers all the time.
- Millie could speak.

Who better to talk to the scared chicks than
the lady who did Niagara Falls in a barrel.

Who better? Am I right?

I like that idea.
Sharon, you should do that.

- Don't drop it.
- That's good. To the left.

- Eric. Eric, be careful.
- Okay, now. Straighten it out.

- Okay.
- Oop.

- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.

- Thank you so much for all your help, Maureen.
- Not a problem.

Who's she?

- No one.
- Did you have sex with her?

- No.
- How long have you been using the Republican Party...

- as a l*sbian dating service?
- What do you want?

You should be thanking me.
I hear it's gonna be quite the turnout.

Oh. Then thank you.

And thank you for all your help putting
this fund-raiser together.

Oh, that's right.
You didn't help at all.

I rescind my thank you.

I have to pick up
more name-badge holders.

Are you gonna meet Maureen?

- Turn it.
- Wait. Wait! Eric! Eric!

Oh.

Oh.

It's like seeing an old friend.
I haven't laid eyes on this barrel...

since I donated it to
the Niagara History Museum in '69.

I'm so moved. I didn't think anyone
cared anymore about those days.

I thought everybody'd forgotten.

I haven't forgotten.
I'll never forget.

Oh, Lord.

You stole my life, you b*tch!

Give it back to her.

You've got some ovum
coming back here.

- Who's she?
- She's nobody.

- Just a crazy fan.
- Lying cow.

- She doesn't sound like a fan.
- You probably thought I was dead.

Hell, I prayed you were.
Then I saw this.

Watch it. You're talking to
a genuine icon.

She put the "con" in icon.

- Security.
- I can't toss out an old lady.

- The four of us can take her.
- Do you have a ticket?

Do you think I wanna pay to listen to
her lies? I paid enough already.

- What lies?
- Start with that one.

Are you saying
that's not Millie?

Of course it's me.
Who else could it be? Look at that smile.

Oh, it's her. But anyone who
really went over Niagara Falls...

wouldn't be smiling like that.

It's a honey of a ride.
A hundred and 70 feet...

straight down
over razor-sharp rock.

And before you get there, the current
topsides enough to scramble your brains.

Nobody goes through that
and comes out grinnin'.

Are you saying the barrel was empty?

No, it wasn't empty. It was me.

Uh, I don't think so.
You're not buying this, are you?

The biddy's postmodern.
She's just trying to tear down a legend...

like those... legend tearer downers.

I was supposed to ride that barrel
right out of this crummy town.

And you never considered a bus?

I was gonna see the world...

but all I saw was the inside of a barrel
and I couldn't even see that.

Anything could've been
waiting for me at the bottom.

Could've been death.
Could've been fame.

- Instead, it was Hank.
- Hank?

My manager and fiancé.
The b*stard.

I didn't know it at the time, but before
I even went over the falls...

Hank had sold me down the river.

- Hank. I wonder what ever became of him?
- He wrote me once.

Thirty years ago.
Told me how he dumped you.

Oh, he said he dumped me?
Ha, ha. Okay.

That must've been right after
I ditched him in Amsterdam.

- So it's true?
- Oh, could've been Belgium. It was a long time ago.

You made a career out of what I did.

Just exactly what did you do?

You fell down.
That took gravity, not skill.

You didn't have the charisma to handle
a world tour, and Hank knew that.

That's why he chose me
to do the really hard work.

Oh, that barrel
may have carried you...

but I carried the barrel
and the legend.

- That barrel?
- Mm-hmm.

That's- That's on loan.

Balsa. It's a fake.
Just like her.

The real one's in my yard
back in Gastown.

It is not a fake. It is a prop.

Show business, dear. A concept
you never could seem to grasp.

I can't believe this. You're not even
gonna pretend you're not a big fat liar?

Hey, she's not... fat,
and she's not a liar either.

What about the part where she didn't go
over Niagara Falls in a barrel?

Don't worry about Vivian. She rants
and she raves. Everybody thinks she's crazy.

- But she's not crazy.
- Well, she is if she thinks people want...

the version of the story of
the chunky girl going over the falls.

- You are vile.
- Oh, face it, Vivian.

Nobody's gonna pay to see you.
Not outside of a barrel anyway.

Well, you're vile and you're evil.

But I'm not wrong.
Why don't you stay and find out?

I'll even pay for your ticket and you can
hear all about how I went over the falls.

It's a thrilling tale.
You'll feel just like you were there.

And then, after the applause
has died down...

you can come up on that dais
in that big ol' baggy shirt...

and those men's trousers,
and you can call me a liar.

Let's just see what happens.

You just go to hell.

Oh, thank goodness.
I was afraid that might get ugly.

- You didn't think that was ugly?
- It was a little unpleasant...

- but the truth hurts sometimes.
- The truth?

What do you know about
the truth? My God.

How do you live with yourself?.
But, then, you don't really, do you?

Because you're not even you. And if you're not
the person you say you are...

then you spent 50 years
being a nobody.

And I'd rather be a nobody that's a somebody
than a somebody that's a nobody.

Or something.
The point is, you suck.

A nobody?

Hey! Don't you run from me.

Oh, I'm running all right. I'm running
for justice. I'm gonna give-

- What's her name? The old lady?
- Millie?

- No. The other one.
- Vivian Caldwell?

- Yeah. Viv. I'm giving her back what's rightfully hers.
- There is no "rightfully" here.

There is legend, and Millie is that legend,
so you're not giving nothing to nobody.

That's not Millie's legend.
It's Viv's. Millie stole it.

She's a stealer.
We don't like stealers.

You're in league with her.

You're in league with
Grandma Flannel.

You are Grandma Flannel. Just add 40 years
and a pair of orthopedic sneakers.

- What?
- You set Millie up.

You'll stop at nothing to trash
this place and pee on its history.

Just think about what you're saying.
I set something up. Me.

Oh. Yeah.

Okay. Then why
are you doing this?

- Flannel Granny justice.
- And?

There's no hidden agenda.

- My agenda's in plain view.
- Oh, no, no, no, it isn't.

You've got something tucked away in
your agenda hole.

Hey, maybe I should just lob a can of tear gas
down there and see what crawls out.

- Oh, what kind of tear gas?
- The kind that's gonna sting.

I hope the Concerned Ladies
aren't too angry that I canceled.

But, can't risk it.
Not with that loose cannon out there.

I don't think Vivian'll be back.

Mm-mmm. Not Vivian.
That Jaye girl.

You saw how she fell for Vivian's story.

I'm sorry about how
her life turned out. Truly, I am.

But we're not talking about
my fame...

we're talking about Niagara's legacy.

A legacy that I've been the guardian of
now for half a century.

I'm just supposed to stand idly by
and watch them destroy that?

- Hell, no.
- Wow, that's impressive.

You made ruining that poor woman's life
actually sound kind of noble.

It is noble. She's protecting the legend
for future generations.

- Ooh, I like that very much.
- I mean, who wants to think...

some unscrupulous publicity hound lied
and slept her way into the history books?

- Oh, wait-
- That doesn't do anyone any good.

But I'll tell you what does...

the story of Millie Marcus
and her barrel.

It is sort of the quintessential
American tale.

Yes. Exactly. It teaches us
there's nothing a person can't do.

Or nothing a person actually has to do.
I mean, look at her.

She's 100% fabrication. She decided what
she wanted to be and damn the facts.

You don't get
much more American than that.

You see there? You see what
an inspiration you are?

You can't hide
your barrel under a bushel.

You have to go on that tour.
You just have to.

Well, how can I when inspiration could
so easily turn to scandal?

What do you want?

I want to help you
get back what's yours.

- Hello.
- Don't you feel inspired?

- Who is this?
- It's me.

Wait. You answered
that other Eric's phone.

Is this progress or did you
fall off the wagon?

I don't know. It said unavailable.
I thought it might've been Jaye.

Huh. You got that right.
No, no, no. Wait, wait. This is progress.

Would you have picked it up if you thought
it might have been anybody else?

Uh-uh.

Oh. See? You're not
that other Eric anymore.

You have moved on. You've started
over here in Niagara Falls.

Magical land of the possible.
Your eye on a new lady.

- Huh?
- Heidi chose Niagara Falls.

Whatever. Point is, you are
new baptized in enchanted waters.

I am new baptized.

Now, on the subject of Jaye,
we need to call her bluff.

- Is there a bluff to be called?
- Poor, naive Eric.

You're so sweet.
Yes, there's a bluff.

There may be bluffs. I don't know.
But I do know this.

Jaye Tyler doesn't like old ladies.

They scare her.
It all goes back to Hansel and Gretel.

- Well, she seemed to like that other one.
- Mm-mmm. Seemed to.

But she doesn't. Now, don't get me
wrong. She's a lovely human being.

But she's up to something.
We may all be in danger.

Okay. Maybe not danger,
but she is up to something.

Is it that she's up to
something or is it that...

she's up to something
and won't tell you what it is?

Uh-huh. Can you get a truck?

She's right. Nobody wants to see
a movie starring the ugly girl.

But you are the star.
You have a picture.

You have a picture of you with
the barrel, and you have the barrel.

Why don't we just tell everybody?

Every person in town saw Millie Marcus
crawl out of that barrel.

She's a star. She'll always be the star.
Hank saw to that.

- You got screwed.
- I got screwed.

But just 'cause she biddy-slapped you
doesn't mean you have to quit.

That barrel is a symbol of what you
accomplished and what you can accomplish.

And no one can take that away from you.

Watch your step.

- All right. Easy. Over. Over.
- What are you doing?

- Protecting history.
- You're drunk.

And you're a nihilist.

Why don't you run and get a Bible
and a copy of the Constitution...

- and tear those up too while you're at it.
- Oh, stop it!

Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?
You'd love it if I just stepped aside...

and allowed you to destroy one life
after another with your truth-covered lie.

You may have started this little
geriatric w*r, but I'm gonna finish it.

What-What w*r? Eric, why are you
helping? What's gotten into you?

Please don't ask me any questions.
I'm really not sure what's happening.

- They're taking your barrel.
- Oh, so what.

You can steal every barrel in Niagara Falls.
Won't make her life any less a lie.

- Not if nobody ever knows about it.
- The two people that matter know.

The lady that did a thing
and the lady that didn't.

That's right, you old skank.
You go ahead and you take that barrel.

Take it to your grave. Live some more of
your lie and get buried in it.

Hey, you come back here.
My life is not a lie.

Oh, yes it is.
And nothing you can ever do...

will change the fact that you never
went over Niagara Falls.

There's one thing I can do.

Take me to the falls. I'm goin' over.

Hit it, Eric.

Ow!

Now that's just nuts.

Are we still calling the bluff?.
Did we leave a message?

This can end anytime Jaye wants.
She needs to true confess...

- and come correct.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

Okay.

Millie Marcus. Legend. Icon.

Daredevil in a one-piece.

She returns to
the magical- Whoa!

Returns to the magical land of Niagara
to make history once again.

- You have to videotape this? You could be recording evidence.
- Recording history.

History that's admissible in court.

You can see everything from up here.
See, that's where I hid.

That's where they pulled Vivian ashore
and we switched places.

Nobody down there saw a thing.

- We had 'em all skunked.
- Okay. I'm just gonna erase that part.

- Okay. I have an idea.
- Mm?

You'll videotape her getting into the barrel,
and we'll stop the camera...

pull her out of the barrel, and you'll videotape
the barrel going over the falls...

- and it'll look like she did it.
- But that'd be a lie.

What's wrong with that? A lie's worked great
for you for 50 years.

What happened to not having to do a thing
to be a thing? Deciding you were that thing?

Ultimately, it's dishonest.
I think it's called "fraud. "

- And I'm no fraud.
- At least you won't be shortly.

- Back up the truck.
- You can't change the past.

Yes, it will. If it's true tomorrow,
it'll be just as true 50 years ago.

We're reverse-engineering history.

- How far?
- Keep going. I'm sure something will look familiar.

You could be a little more helpful.
A woman is about to die.

- She might not.
- Don't you care about anything?

Don't you even care that the only proof
of what you did was just stolen?

It's destiny. Nobody was meant
to know the truth...

and I was meant to be
stuck here all my life.

You sure it's destiny?
It could just be you're lazy.

Do you think a lazy person would have
the gumption to go over the falls?

Kinda. If they thought that's all
they had to do for the rest of their life.

- Beats work.
- I risked death.

To avoid work. So I'm thinking kind of
a role model for lazy.

- I mean, what have you done since?
- I was wronged.

Boo-hoo.
We all have troubles.

Hell, look at me. I'm already 24,
and I've never done anything.

I have a worthless philosophy degree
that's gotten me no further...

than a dead-end retail job
working for a mouth-breather...

so I can continue to support
my trailer-park lifestyle.

You think I sit around
feeling sorry for myself?

God, I would if I were you.

- Well, you're not me.
- You're right.

I'm not you. Actually, you're me.

Not even.

I can see exactly
where your life's going...

which would be nowhere
just like mine.

The current of life rushing by
and you're stuck up on some old log.

The current pounds and pounds and grinds you
down till you're a tiny little stuck nub.

- I'm living proof of that.
- You may be nubby, but I'm not stuck.

- Oh, you're stuck.
- I'm not stuck.

- So stuck.
- Am not.

Shut up.

Jaye isn't coming.
You have to stop this.

Not till she cries Uncle Chicken.

- Maybe you should cry Uncle Chicken.
- You are a buzz-k*ll.

Shut your whiskey hole, buzz-k*ll.
Girlie, turn on that camera.

This message is for
a certain bitter old hag.

Jaye, I hope
you're paying attention.

Uh, Vivian Caldwell, I stole your barrel
just like I stole your man.

Call my life a lie, do you?
Well, I'll show you.

After tonight there won't be anything about
Millie Marcus that can be called a lie.

Are you vaguely aware
of how old you are right now?

Oh, shut up.

Yes, not only will I be
the first American woman...

ever to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

I will be the first one ever to do it twice.

- You didn't do it the first time.
- Oh, right.

Well, then, I'll be the first-
I'll be the oldest...

American woman ever
to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

You do think I'll be the oldest?

- Okay, then.
- Can we at least wait until sunrise?

It being nighttime
could really hamper a rescue effort.

No one in their right mind is gonna let us
get away with this in broad daylight.

Miss Marcus, you're already an inspiration.
What's this really gonna change?

Everything.

It changes everything.

This isn't destiny.
It's not supposed to happen this way.

If Millie goes over, she dies.

Mahandra's committed
and eventually sobers up.

Eric goes to jail where he finally meets
someone nice and sane.

Maybe it is supposed to
happen this way.

No, it can't. Can it?

Come on, honey.
Just accept it. It's too late.

You ain't ever gonna get your car out of
this metaphor in time.

It's a mud pit, not a metaphor.

This car may be stuck,
but I'm not stuck.

- I can leave anytime I want.
- Then why don't you?

I have work responsibilities
and family obligations.

I can't just-
Okay, I may be a little stuck.

Some folks are just fated to be stuck.
I'm living proof of that.

Fine. Whatever.
You're living proof. I'm living proof.

- Everyone's just living proof.
- Millie Marcus ain't.

She ain't living proof
of anything. Not anymore.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. She did it.
- Told you it was too late.

I could call my sister for you.
You'll probably need a lawyer.

Your sister's an immigration attorney.

- You might want to think about leaving the country.
- We'll pay for the barrel.

Okay? It was an accident.
At least, I think it was.

It was. It slipped.

Then it kind of bounced and rolled.
Then it sort of plummeted.

- Oh, God.
- Did she have any last words?

Yeah. "Screw this. I'm going home. "

- What?
- But then she decided to come here instead.

- She's here?
- In my house?

Mm-hmm. She said her butt was
too bony to wait on the stairs.

I am a b*tch.

Oh, my God.
I'm such a b*tch.

Oh, am I ever a b*tch.

- I'm a b*tch.
- You're just now realizing this?

I stood up there
and I looked down...

and I realized what you did.

Something I could never
have the guts to do.

Hell, I can't even
get on an escalator.

What made me think
I could jump the falls?

- A bottle of merlot.
- You were right.

It was a lie. Every handshake.
Every autograph.

Every speech.
My whole life a lie.

- Least you had a life.
- Oh, yes. I had yours.

I wanna give it back to you.
The Concerned Ladies...

are willing to spring for a national
"Back in the Barrel" summer tour.

All expenses paid.
I wanna take you with me.

I wanna tell the world that it was
Vivian Caldwell who's the real hero.

The first American woman brave enough to
go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

- And live.
- Oh, please, let me make this right.

- A little late, isn't it?
- Oh, God, no. No.

Standing up there
I realized something.

- You're a b*tch.
- Oh, sure. That.

No. I realized that
it's not too late.

It's not too late.
It's not too late to come clean.

It's not too late to change things.

Oh, don't you see? It's never too-

I think she's dead.

**

How did you arrange all this?

Her purse was
full of traveler's checks.

- Isn't that ill*gal?
- Probably the least ill*gal thing we're doing right now.

- Be quiet.
- We have come here today to pay our respects...

to a woman
who touched all of us.

We've all felt her love, her smile...

her words of comfort in times of need.

Not me personally, of course,
but many people did.

So let us celebrate Vivian Caldwell.

Gone too soon. Too soon.

I would now like to read Psalm 30-

That everything?

I don't wanna
die alone and friendless.

Screeching my final testimony
into a video camera.

Uh, all right.

I'm sorry I went crazy.
But I think I know why it happened.

You drove me there.

- I made you crazy?
- Well, it started with all the mumbling.

And then this obsession with consciousness
and why things talk.

I mean, I know you have a philosophy degree,
but, I mean, come on.

A- And all these
random acts of kindness?

Are you feeling guilty
about something?

No. Well-

- No.
- So there is something?

I don't know. I think so.

I don't think it's just in my head.

I hope it's not just in my head.
Or would that be a good thing?

I don't know because
you won't tell me what it is.

- And that makes me sad.
- And crazy?

Yes, and crazy.

Jaye, you used to
tell me everything.

Okay. Okay.

Remember when I told you about that little
smooshed-face wax lion that talked to me?

I didn't make that up. It spoke.

And it's not alone.

Animals with faces that aren't really alive
talk to me and tell me to do things.

It's very confusing,
and I don't always understand.

So whenever you're ready to
tell me the truth, I'm here to listen.

I appreciate that.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- It's just you look so much like her.
- Oh, sweetheart. None of that.

As long as you remember her,
she'll always be with you.

In fact, here she is.

- Okay, gross.
- So now I know what it's like to be Millie.

- Because you're wearing her clothes?
- Because I feel like a fraud.

One of life's little ironies is that you have to
continue Millie's lie to tell the truth.

I never said it was a perfect plan, but at least
it'll be you up on those podiums...

getting the accolades
and signing the autographs.

- I still have to sign her name.
- 'Fraid so.

- Sorry to interrupt. Miss Marcus?
- That's me.

We better get going
if you don't wanna miss your flight.

And can I just say
it's an honor driving you.

My Great-aunt Esther was actually there
the day you went over the falls.

She talked about it all the time.
You were a huge inspiration to her.

Well, thank you, dear.
Do call me Millie.

See? Nobody's stuck.

You're not living proof anymore.
I destroyed the evidence.

Maybe that lying old cow was right.
Maybe it really is never too late.

Except in her case, it kinda was.

Poor b*tch.

- Can I maybe get your autograph?
- Yes, dear.

Crap. Let me do that again.

m*rder*r.

At least I gave it
back to her, right?

Well, not her, but the other her.
That's who you had in mind, right?

You know, things would be a lot easier
if you were clearer with your pronouns.

It's never too late.

- Wanna start?
- Um, okay. Yeah.

I'd just like to say...

Millie Marcus taught me that what's
most important in life is to be yourself.

Even if you have to be
somebody else to do it.

So, from here on out,
you can just call me Eric.

- But, like, with a "Q' or something?
- Nope. Just me.

I figure it's not so terrible being Eric.
The Now Eric, I mean.

Then Eric was sad.
But Then Eric was then. I'm Now Eric.

And don't laugh,
but I kinda like it here.

I like The Barrel.
I like slinging c*ck.

I like Niagara Falls... and I like you.

- I'm not laughing.
- That's a start.

Maybe it is.

- And here's an ending.
- What are you doing?

This phone belongs to
Then Eric, so it's going away.

Oh, my God.

Okay. Here goes.

Good-bye to the old life.

I'm sure they'll call back.

- Yeah.
- All right. My turn.

We're gathered here today to
say good-bye not only to Then Eric...

but to our friend Millie.

Or most of her, at any rate.

Some of her
got on the cash register.

But, hopefully, it wasn't anything important.
Just like an elbow or something.

She was a-

She may have been a liar,
but she'll always be a legend.

She lived her life claiming she went
over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

Now nobody will ever
be able to say different.

And so history is preserved.

And a legend continues.

Oh, crap!

Littering, $250 fine.
Just need your autograph.

Get the ball, Bud.