01x17 - Egg

[bunniefuu]

DJ and the froj.

[music]

The fro.

[groaning]

Oh god, this is taking forever. We'll never finish putting all these pages into one pile unless we check out this hot new video I just got from Dwight D.

Golden shower. Awesome. That dude's a pisser.

Wow, Fro. This is an actual ritual in India.

Yeah, dude. That is awesome. Huh? I think I know where I'm going on spring break this year. Woo!

: minute[cheering]

: minute, secondI guess tossed a baby is more than just a term for having rough sex with a pregnant woman.

Uh, to be fair, if there were a billion Americans, I feel like we wouldn't be so precious with our babies either. Just throwing it out there.

Dude, move the tarp. Stop coddling them.

I haven't seen a naked boy get passed around that much since that party at David Geffin's house. Oh, that was fun.

Cannonball. [screaming] Jack knife. Belly flop.

Indian tots on the wall. Indian tots. Drop one down. Pass it around.

Indian tots on the wall. Indian tots on the wall. Indian tots. Drop one down. Pass it around. Indians on the

wall. Indians on the wall. Indians. Drop one down. Pass it around.

Indians on the wall. Indians on the wall. . Drop down. Pass it around.

the wall. .

[screaming]

Oh yeah.

Ken, wouldn't it be a shame if someone accidentally opened the window and blew that neatly organized stack of papers all over the office?

It certainly would, Dorene. It most certainly would indeed.

Ken, honestly, that ominous shadowy face thing you do, it's so .

Oh, is that right, Dorene? Because I love what you've been doing with your hair for the last years.

Our papers.

Someone opened the window. Oh, [screaming] why did this happen to us? Why?

Oh, this didn't just happen. Someone's out to get us. If we plan on surviving around here, we better find someone to watch our backs.

Oh, you mean like an assistant? Exactly. I say we storm into Mr.

Baldling's office and demand one. To the left. Off to the left. Enemy aircraft. Hypnotist video.

sh**t him down. Oh, enemy aircraft off to the right. sh**t him down. sh**t him down.

Wow. This guy is even better at conjuring up a fake w*r than d*ck Cheney.

Enemy aircraft off to the left. Keep firing. Keep firing. Keep This is cool. Making a kid in a wheelchair go up on stage and tricking

him into thinking he's flying a plane in a w*r. I mean, I can't see any down.

Oh god. Yeah, this guy puts the broken hip in hypnotize.

It just seems like there are easier ways to embarrass people in wheelchairs that don't involve four years in hypnotist

college. [laughter] Hi, I'm Michelle. Hi, Michelle. Hi. And I have a cool tongue.

Yeah. [screaming]

[music]

Oh,

all done, fellas. Having an assistant is an awesome responsibility. I wasn't ready for my first assistant. I forgot he

needed bathroom breaks. After a week, we had to well, we had to put him down.

[music]

Please, Mr. Balding. In today's doggy, dog k*ller be k*lled highstakes world of corporate finance, will never survive without one. Never.

Okay, you can have an assistant.

Yeah. After you complete a little exercise, what? There's always a hitch with this guy.

You need to learn the real responsibilities that come with having a real assistant. For one week, I want you to take care of this egg as if it were a

real living, breathing assistant. And you'll need to make daily entries into this egg journal. And then maybe you can have a real assistant.

Uh, okay. We won't let you or the egg down, sir.

Lucy, send in the next two troublemakers.

Gentlemen, I have no idea who you are or what you're doing here, so it looks like you've got a lot of explaining to do.

DJ the bro.

So, I guess you'll be taking out my Jenny tonight. She's just getting ready.

She'll be right down. You know how ladies can be. [clears throat] Oh, here's my little buttercup. Now, she

may walk like a crab, but she like a lobster. [laughter] This girl's like Lindsay Lohan. She can never make it through all steps.

Just don't knock her up, young man. This is genetic. [laughter] This girl is like Arty Lang. She can never make it through all steps.

[screaming]

You make one mistake by sleeping with a half dog demon and you end up paying for it for the rest of your life. Right, Bristol Palin? This girl's like Danny

Bonadouchi. She can Okay, d we get it. Thanks, though. Dear egg journal, day one. And the egg is

like the opposite of the jizz. How the hell is this thing supposed to be a good assistant? It's not supposed to be our assistant.

It's supposed to prepare us for the responsibilities that come with a real assistant. Oh, so now you're on the egg side.

DJ and the fro seem exhausted after making another nice orderly stack of papers.

Don't worry, Ken. I'm sure you can help them get their second wind.

Or maybe even their third wind. [music] Their third wind. That doesn't make any

sense. Yeah. Well, what I meant was I was just saying yours was better,

bro. I think I feel a breeze. And the egg saved our pile of papers. Oh my god, the egg. It saved our stack.

Hey, you know, maybe I was being too hard on the egg. Maybe our assistant isn't so bad after all. And maybe we should watch this awesome new clip Fat

Man and Little Boy just sent us. Cole, those guys are the b*mb. My lips hurt.

Where's the chapstick?

Where's the chapstick?

Amen, lady. Where is the chapstick? Hey, you, Mr. President. You've got all these ideas on how to fix the economy, but

there's one question you refuse to answer. Where's the chapstick?

The other day, I saw footage of a mass grave into our fur, which leads us to the obvious question. Where's the chapstick?

How long can we stand around merely licking our chapped lips over and over again? That's a short-term solution. So,

we ask you once again, where's the chapstick?

[groaning]

Oh my god, Fro. She found it. She found [screaming] the chapstick.

That changes everything. Do you realize the implications of this? World hunger, poverty, Rwanda death squads. Guess what we found?

I found the chapstick. You did it, girl.

We knew you would. Hey, Alcada. Our girl has something to tell you, and you're not gonna like it.

I found the chapstick.

If chapstick gets her so excited, wait till she finds out about black dudes.

Come on, dude. If you want to hang with us, you got to do it. All the cool kids are doing it.

Yeah, you fell for the oldest trick in the book. Good luck getting that thing in your a*s. Now [laughter]

look, his own hands giving him the finger. This is it.

Wait, is this what they mean when they say finger banging?

And here I've been sticking mine in the grossest places.

Dear egg journal, the egg has really proven himself to me. Next to DJ, he's the one guy in the whole office I trust.

Feels good to finally let someone in again. Fellas, how's our little exercise going?

Ooh, look at what it's wearing. Now that's the way to dress for success. Yeah, well, I figured.

Thanks for noticing, sir. I've dressed all by myself. You're the best boss ever, Mr. Balding. [laughter]

Oh, we have fun here. Did you see what the egg just did? What? The egg. It did something.

Dressing the egg was our idea, but the egg took all the credit for it.

Bro, you do know it's just an egg, right? Sh.

That's exactly what the egg wants us to think.

Bro, you're acting crazy. I mean, I've seen you act crazy before, but this time you didn't just find out that Hooker was actually your uncle.

That was one crazy rashana.

DJ the pro.

[snoring]

Hey dog, look on your left. It's an expensive throw pillow.

No. On your right. A grandmother's exposed ankle. Quick. On your left, mailman's ba*ls are hanging out. On your

right, a newborn baby that can't keep its hands to itself. On your left, something that dogs don't particularly enjoy. No. On your right, a black

person, and you're not used to seeing black people.

Well, dog, this has been fun. But now it's time for us to go for a little walk behind the barn.

Dear Egg Journal, the egg thinks he can stab me in the back just to get ahead.

Wait till Mr. Balding sees him now. Can you say dress code violation? You're scaring me, fro.

Scaring you like a fox. [music] DJ the fro, I need your advice. The home office is looking to raise the bar and

get on the right track in terms of out of the box thinking.

Funny you brought that up, sir, cuz did you see what our assistant thinks is appropriate to wear to work on a Friday?

Well, that certainly is not traditional work attire.

But wait a second, that egg just gave me a great idea. What if everyone wore casual clothes on Friday? We could call it nonchalant day before the weekend.

Thanks, Mr. Balding. You're the gizz.

You've done it again, Egg. That is it, Egg. You've outshined or outshown me for the last time. We are going to have

[screaming] it out. Right after we watch this hilarious clip from Sir Prolap's rectum.

Oh, sweet. A field trip. I used to love going on field trips.

Actually, you know what? I think I went on this exact same field trip. No, really?

Yeah. I got a B minus on the report. In fact, I've got the report right here in my pocket. [clears throat]

My day at the Jeffrey Dmer Museum by the Fro. We took a big yellow bus to the Jeffrey Dmer Museum today. Miss Pavick

sure looked pretty. I think I'm in love with her, but I'm too shy to tell her. Wow, you're a really good writer, Fro.

Huh? Thanks, De. Keep reading. I'm enthralled. The Jeffrey Dmer Museum was really nice.

They had the shiniest windows and also Jeffrey Dmer's horribly mutilated victims and their severed mangled

appendages. Appendages? What a fancy word. You like that?

Totally. We met some of the workers there. There was Kenny, Joe, Bob, and Ernie. Ernie was the nicest. He was also

really good at recreating all the people's faces that had been burned off with acid by Jeffrey Dmer.

Oh my god. Nice use of the past participle Shakespeare.

At the end of the day, we all got buttons that said Jeffrey Dmer Museum.

They were cool, but not as cool as this one guy's nose that had been sawed off over the period of a -day sodomy and t*rture session. The end. That was really good, dude.

Yeah, like I don't know that. I told you I got a B minus. I wonder what happened to Miss Pavick.

I tried to get her in touch with her once, but she was married. I wonder if he would still love her if her face was burned off with acid. I know I would.

DJ, the fro.

Dear egg journal, if you're reading this, it means the egg is dead and I am either in jail or living in the jungles

of Costa Rica. Either way, I want you to know that I always loved you.

[screaming]

The second night, you son of a break. Damn you, prank.

Stop it, bro. Fro, stop. No. [screaming]

I'm such a failure. Now I know how my ability to complete sentences.

Congrats, Egg. You won. You can have what you came here for. Our jobs. DJ and I will give notice. We're quitting.

What?

DJ the fro does that. Whoa.

Oh, dude. What happened to the other half of that snake?

That snake is like my hair without herbal essence extra conditioning shampoo for dry hair.

No body. [laughter] Yes.

Seeing wiggling tail. It's still moving too.

That's a poke. [screaming] Oh, it's like paying five bucks for a

prost*tute. You got a little head, but you wish you had some tail. [laughter] Mr. Balding, now that we're quitting, we

can finally tell you that you suck so hard. I bet even your letter of recommendation for us is going to be stupid.

Fro, uh, here's a crazy idea, but maybe we shouldn't quit. I mean, it is just an egg, right?

Oh, sure. And this desk is just a desk.

Hey, what the I lost my letter.

Relax for relax. The egg, it just fell on your power strip. That's all.

What? Oh my god. The egg won't even let me quit with my dignity, bro. That's it.

You've got completely mad. Don't you realize that the egg must have sacrificed himself by frying your

computer so you wouldn't throw our entire careers away because of the egg?

What other explanation is there? You are a worthy adversary, Egg. [snorts] If we had only worked together, who knows what

we would have accomplished? We could have watched this awesome clip illegitimate son just sent us. That dude is my boy.

All I want is a drink. Now take the money out of the door. Take the car and go to Jackson. Get me a bottle right now.

I got your bottle and smashed it.

Hey, I think I've seen this play. It's the best little hospice in Texas.

[laughter]

Shh, Fro. These are very expensive seats. the money.

For years, I've been trying to get you to go to Alcoholic Anonymous, and you won't go. I want you to go to the doctor.

You won't go. I don't think I need it.

It says here in Morris's bio that his son never calls, and that the orderlys burn him with cigarettes. H Ooh. And

Ethel's bio simply says, "Do not resuscitate." Really? That's class. I'm leaving. I'm surprised.

No, Alcoholic Anonymous. Goodbye, Al. Oh, please, Elena. Don't go. place.

Oh, I'm going nutty. I don't know what I want to do. I'm going so nutty. I'm seeing things. What the heck? Look at that. Imagine. Can you beat that?

Uh-oh. Morris has gone off book again.

Oh, I'm imagining things. It looks like there's a horn sticking out.

You think this is rambling and incoherent? You should ask him where he left his keys. [laughter] I'm going nut. I'm going to try to get Alina back. I'll join the AA.

Bravo. Bra, I really enjoyed that furrow. It had a lot of funny moments. [music]

Dude, what the hell is this?

You don't know? Have you ever even been to a strip club?

Seriously, man, what the hell are we watching?

Uh, I think it's another stupid video of Britney getting out of a limo without her underwear.

No, check out that stash. It's Hulk Hogan eating olives. Oh, I know what this is. It's the world's worst Whitman

sampler. Actually, if I didn't know any better, I think this is footage of a goat pooping in reverse. [laughter] Yeah, dude. That's what this is.

Awesome.

[screaming]

That's [screaming] USA UA USA USAJ

the pro guys. I've been really impressed with your progress this week. Congrats. Gigi is going to be your new assistant.

Ah yes, yes.

I've instructed her to do anything you ask. Anything.

And I must warn you, hint hint, that she has a habit of sleeping with her immediate superiors. That would be you two guys.

Guilty. Yay. I'm so excited.

While I agree with my partner, we already have an assistant. Wow. Are you insane? That's just an egg.

Is it really, Deej? Yes, but is it really fro? Maybe you're not hearing me. Xi

will have sexual intercourse with your pee pe guilty.

Sorry, Mr. B, but we've got something better than that. We've got an assistant that has learned there's more to life than corporate success. He's learned the

importance of friendship, and that's rare, and it should be rewarded. [snorts] Come on, Deege.

No, sorry, Xi. Looks like it's time to get back in the box. Oh,

DJ, the pro

[music]

DJ, the pro

The fro [music]

[screaming]

chirp.

[music]