01x09 - Fred

[bunniefuu]

DJ and the froj.

The fro pro.

Nailed it.

Wow, Fro. Everyone in the whole wide office just loves your fax machine impression. Yeah, [laughter] everyone but Mr.

Balding.

He's always too busy with his stupid job to come and listen. Whoa, check out this awesome new clip. Snap, Crackle, and that other dude just sent us.

I said cut it out. I'll beat the out of you. Check out this sexy clip.

Get sick of that. If you come back one more time, I'm going to kick your What happened, Grandma?

Well, they act like damn fools around here. I'm trying to read the paper.

Dude, why do hot chicks have such crappy attitudes?

She is definitely a grill. [laughter] What's she doing? Act like a damn fool.

What'd she say? What? Come on, cut it out.

And you just knew she's the type of chick who would let you a AARP all over her.

Yeah, and I'll give her a calcium deficient bone. [laughter] Yeah, I said cut her out. I'll beat the out.

Uh, maybe we shouldn't make jokes. She's really mad.

What's the matter, Granny? That time of the month again. [laughter]

Oh, I just hope to God that's a real g*n.

If that guy has any selfrespect, he'll sh**t his friend directly in the eye, blinding him. A dumb idea.

Yeah, like I always say, Deej, sometimes you just got to sh**t your friend directly in the eyes, blinding him.

I love mistakes that ruin lives.

Oh, Fro. I love your fax machine bit today. Oh, come on. See, fro.

Yeah, it's nice to hear, but she's not Mr. Balding. Wa. I've never seen this cubicle before.

No. And look at all this old stuff. It's like no one's been here for years.

A picture of Mr. Balding and a guy with a mustache. Now I've seen everything.

Fred. Fred, my boy. Is it you? Oh, it's you, Lefro. For a second there, I

thought you were Fred. This is his cubicle. I Well, it was Fred's cubicle.

Mr. B. [sighs and gasps] Fred was the first employee I ever hired.

From that very first meeting, we shared a special bond. Fred and I so enjoyed each other's company. We were like two

peas in a pod. We reconciled bank statements and scaled freshly caught fish. But my very favorite memory of all was when we played trash.

Trash. Trash. Trash.

But then one day, just when the leaves were beginning to change, I got a call

from the home office. Fred was being transferred.

No.

That day a part of my soul was transferred as well.

Home office took him from me. Before his time, Fred would have turned today.

Oh, I So this guy is Fred. Oh, okay. I got it. Don't touch that. Can't you see

that I'm trying to prolong an unhealthy attachment to something that is clearly unattainable? Can't [screaming] you

[laughter]

wa Let's check out this hot new clip someone just sent Fred.

[music]

[music]

Yeah.

Singing in my headus

[music]

in my heartuses everywhere I go. You know what else is everywhere you go?

Your unibrow. Evidence we live in a godless universe. Your guilt of getting behind the wheel that night.

It's early afternoon. [music] It's your present.

With the help of Jesus, this cereal will stay crispy and crunchy even in milk.

The adult in me loves Jesus. But the frosted side can't help but think people born with a different sexual orientation should have the same rights as everyone

else. [laughter] Jesus in my heartuses [music] everywhere I go.

Jesus would be like the most annoying personal trainer. He'd be all more reps, dude. No pain, no gain. Yeah. He'd

be all like, "Hang in there, champ." And then he'd be all, "After we shower up, I know this sick party where we can prowl

for some serious tanges in my heart. Jesus [music] in my soul.

Jesus everywhere I go. Jesus in my heart. Jesus in my lungs.

Jesus in my lymph nodes. Jesus spreading to my kidneys. Too late to operate on Jesus.

Jesus.

[music]

I bet that actor playing Jesus is a Jew.

Why is that, Fro? because he really nailed Jesus. [laughter]

Yes. Yes. Yes. [music]

[singing]

DJ, the pro.

Oh, you're going to love test driving the's. You can really feel the power of the V. How does it handle deer, you might ask?

tears through them like tissue paper.

[laughter]

A daddy will love my deer costume for the Christmas pageant. Hey, there's daddy's car now. Daddy, daddy, look at me. Yeah.

Hey, Dee, why did the deer cross the road? Why, Fro? Because the road bisected its natural habitat. It was left with no choice.

Yes. [laughter] Yes.

Let's go.

[music]

I know I left my Asian guy around here somewhere. Oh jeez, he's been around my neck the whole time.

Asian guy, guess what I have to do, Fro? I've got to fax over my grandmother's death certificate. You know what that means?

Time for another Frotastic fax machine per fro. But what about Mr. balding.

No, I got a better idea. Hey, what are you up to, Mr. B?

I was just thinking about Fred and all the great trash ball games we used to play. You know, it's funny, but I don't think I've thrown anything away since

Fred Since Fred since Fred was taken from me at the tender age.

Okay. Okay, I get it already. Listen, Mr. B, I have something that might cheer you up.

You what are you going to do with the fro? Imitate a fax machine?

No, I'm going to pass you this trash ball.

Huh? Come on, Mr. B. Take a shot. You're wide open. Come on. You know you want to.

What the heck? Who knows when I'll get the opportunity to throw something away again.

Wow, that was great. I really enjoyed that. Hey, great pass, Fred. You mean Fro? What did I say, Fred? Oh, no.

Sorry. I I mean Fred. Fred. I meant to say Fred. Fro.

Yeah. Sorry about that, Fred. Now, come on. Your shot, Fred.

A Fred for three.

DJ the pro.

If I wanted to have sex with something that didn't move, I'd go back to picking up chicks off of Jade Date.

Yeah. [laughter] Yeah. Wait, they don't say stop or it hurts?

No way.

Yeah. And they're not going to be all like, "Haha, you're crying now and that's going to be an extra ." Yeah. Or it just feels wrong, bro. We

came out of the same womb. [laughter]

Oh yeah, he had really amazing ideas.

For example, he came up with large breasts, which you know, I thought was a great idea. And everyone thought he was crazy to design a doll with a C-section

scar, but now C-sections Suni is their best seller.

This dude is exactly like Mr. Miyagi, except he creates dolls that people can have sex with. [laughter]

Wow. Give Mike Myers fake teeth and he can play anything. Yeah, baby. Yeah. Yeah.

You [laughter] did, Mike. That's so good.

I'm betting my career on the love guru, baby. Yeah, baby.

[laughter]

Yeah.

If I portray a playboy, no one will guess my h*m*, baby. Yeah, baby. [laughter] I ran over a pregnant woman, but hired

enough legal power to walk away scot-free. Baby,

[screaming]

since my six-month-old died of a crushed skull in his crib, I break into tears whenever I say the word baby. Baby. Huh.

That's kind of sad.

Fred. Bro, you left your glasses in my office. Oh, thanks Mr. B. But I don't wear And you forgot this shirt, pair of pants, mustache, haircut, and hello, my name is Fred sticker.

Oh, suddenly my upper lip doesn't feel a chill anymore. And neither does my heart.

Now keep working on that trash ball shot, Fred. We're playing the accounting twins at five. Oh, and don't forget your ponytail. Sure thing, Mr. B.

Fred. Fred. Fred.

Hey, Fro. You do know you're not Fred, right?

Of course I know, Dee. But did you see how Mr. B looks at me. Yeah, like you're Fred. But you're Fro.

And the Fro I know doesn't wear glasses or hello, my name is Fred sticker. He mimics fax machines.

But Mr. B doesn't care about fax machine bits. He cares about this awesome clip we just got from Jiz Marquee.

Yeah. Stick that laser in that brown eye and start the pride parade. Woo.

That eye has more tools in it than a Hooters on Football Sunday. [laughter] How can this doctor resist the urge to gleak on that thing?

Or draw a mustache on it. Or challenge it to a staring contest.

Or make a sweet there's no eye in oopsy daisy joke.

Yes, there is, Fro. There. There actually a couple eyes.

Shut up, De. Don't embarrass me in front of the eye.

Okay, so great. One eye is fixed. What happened to the other eye? Yeah.

DJ the pro. sh**t it, Fred. sh**t it.

What the hell? What's wrong with you today, Fred? You usually never miss. I'm sorry, Mr. B.

You're sorry? When you make a mistake, you usually say my bad or something street like that. I mean, are you even trying, Fred?

Okay, my bad. Let's just play some D. Okay, we can still beat these guys.

Damn it, Fred. When I yell at you, you usually get really down on yourself and tell me that I'm taking all the fun [music] out of trash ball and threaten to put in for a transfer.

Yeah, well, maybe that's because it's because I'm not Fred. I'm Fro. Okay, Fred is gone. He was transferred.

Well, I wish you were the one who was transferred.

But I wasn't, was I? And it's time you realize that I'm not some kind of trash ball champ. Hell, I don't even like combining garbage and [music] sport. No,

I imitate fax machines. That's what I do. That's who I am.

I I didn't mean to. Don't. Just don't.

All I ever want to do is make you happy.

He doesn't deserve this. As Sean Puffy Combmes once said, "Thanks for having me on, Conan."

[music]

DJ the pro. So, this is a video to all the ladies.

Yes, he's talking directly to the ladies. I can totally get behind that.

I uh threw some contacts in. They're probably going to be in for a good couple of months before I take them out or they fall out. They'll probably get

stuck to my eye before they fall out, though. But uh yeah, I'm looking for a girlfriend. I just wanted to tell you I have a in.

It doesn't really matter though because you're probably not hot enough to get it up.

So if you go out with me, you can still other guys. Yes. Uh I'm bipolar and schizophrenic.

Yeah.

Uh I live with my parents. I have no job.

I don't really look for a job because I have no motivation to [screaming] uh my sole motivation in life to get a

job is to smoke weed. I want to preferably someone over . I'm , by the way. Uh I think the legal age in this state is actually . Yeah.

So, if you live in Michigan and you're , I'll you my family's very very rich.

Not my immediate family, but my uncle.

So, if you date me and we live together for quite some time, by the time we're or or or , my uncle should

die off. We should get like a million dollars, which should be kind of cool. Million dollars. Uh yeah,

hit me up. A million dollars and spending a lifetime with this dreamboat. Nothing indecent about that proposal.

Meow.

Fro. This is why I don't fall asleep in people's laps anymore. And it's why I do exclusively.

[laughter]

This woman is a monster. At least Michael Vic had the decency to k*ll his dogs after molesting them. Row means

row. [laughter] If you rub him long enough, a genie comes out of his wiener. A shiny red

genie that can't grant wishes. Unless your wish is to leave your dog vaguely unsatisfied.

[laughter]

After a long day, I like nothing better than to sit in my favorite leather chair, play some classical music, pour

myself a glass of fine wine, and sexually as*ault a helpless animal. Ah, the life of the landed gentry. It really

is so peaceful watching a dog be put to sleep. DJ the pro.

Boy, life just hasn't been the same.

Nope. Not since the fro stopped imitating fax machines.

[crying]

[groaning and screaming]

Ken, it's okay. I've got this. The fro. He's back.

[screaming]

I'm back. I missed the kid.

I was beginning to forget what imitating a fax machine sounded like. That's my employee up there. Yes, sir.

That's my employee. He's got a gift, sir.

Well, it's no trash ball, but you've got quite a talent there, Fro.

Thank you, sir. I'm sorry I tried to make you into something you're not. But I just miss Fred so damn much it hurts.

But he's gone and I have to accept that.

And I have to accept you for you. I know I don't say it enough, but I respect Fred. Huh? Oh, Fred, you're back. You're

back. You're back. Oh, God. How I missed you. Can you please not touch me? This is why I asked to be transferred in the first place. I just came to get some of my things that you refused to send over.

God, you're clingy. [groaning] Oh, Fred, [laughter] you were always such a joker. That's what I missed most about you.

Well, I guess I've learned a valuable lesson. You have. Do tell.

Oh. Uh well, it it's just that in the end, um that there are uh We should watch this awesome clip Sis Christian sent us.

Yeah, that's what I got out of this, too. Wow, check it out. A cancer walk. Yeah.

Whoa, that lady almost hit that log and fell. I love it when someone almost falls.

Yeah. What could be funnier at a cancer walk than someone almost falling? Awesome.

I haven't seen an old bag fall for something so wooden since Tipper Gore.

I haven't seen a wood cause so many problems since I tried to write that novel in the conditional tense. I haven't seen a log cause this many

problems since I tried to write an exponential function using a non- uklitian number system. [laughter] Man, those night classes are really paying off.

Yeah, I'd still do her. Somebody get the fro.

[screaming]

Nailed it.

DJ, the froze.

DJ, the pro

The fro chirp.

[music]