01x07 - Breast Milk

[bunniefuu]

DJ and the fro the fro.

Jesus crunch. What the hell is that sound?

I think it's coming from over the cubicle. It's beautiful.

What is it, Deej? My friend, we are witnessing one of God's greatest miracles, the breast pump.

Oh, hi. I'm Karen. I don't think we've met. You sure are.

I hope you don't mind me pumping at work. It's just that I'm a big proponent of breast milk. I truly believe the moment a child tastes its mother's milk,

it creates an almost magical bond. And since I spend all day away from little Eli, pumping is the only way I can assure we stay connected.

So, got milk.

Oh, I'm going to go k*ll that dog.

Shut up, dude. You should visit your mother more often. She seems lonely. You better back off.

You better turn that. She's nuts. Turn that. Oh my dude, what is she doing?

I don't know, but whatever she's doing is working for me. Half mast.

You and the fro. We don't know the whole history here. Maybe the camera guy is a bad guy.

Yeah, maybe he stood her up at the catillian and you can eat and die.

Do I scare you?

Hey, Miss August, what are you doing here? Does Hugh Hefner even know you left the mansion?

You and me.

When are these two just going to get it over with? Excuse me.

Yeah. Yeah.

Poor Karen. It must be so hard for a mother to be away from her baby like that.

Oh, it ain't nothing but a thing. I haven't seen my mom since she abandoned me years ago.

Fro, I didn't know you were abandoned by your mother. Wait, then who's that -year-old woman in a wheelchair who's always hanging out in your apartment?

Lahi? Ah, she's my roommate. No, I haven't had any communication with my mother since she took off. All I have is this letter she left.

What did the letter say, Fro? I haven't read it, and I won't read it.

If my mom had something to say, she would have said it to my face.

Oh, you should read it, Fro. It might give you closure.

I don't need closure. I need to watch this awesome clip Notorious Bob just sent me. A I love the panda clips.

Yeah, look how cute this little guy is. You're cute, aren't you?

When you watch this video, you start to think, who's really the one behind bars.

Get him. Get him. Take that. Yeah, sucker.

They can build a great wall, but not a great cage.

Panda. More like panda.

Wow, his jacket is dirty. Where ever will he find a dry cleaner in this crowd? Guess you don't say no ticky no washi to a panda bear.

So I'm like, Lahie, dude, ever heard of a courtesy flush, right? Is that real milk from Karen's teeth?

Dude, dare me to drink it. No. You know I never back down from a dare.

Bro, what are you doing? We're going to get in so much trouble. Observe.

Look, bro. That does not seem like a good idea.

Wow. It's like God mixed sunshine and moon beams with vanilla yohoo and then put it into Karen's breasts just for me.

You mean for her baby, right?

I feel like like like we should check out some clips someone just sent us.

I wish we worked in a warehouse. I wish someone loved me. What? Not nothing.

You know this is real footage from the Mexican space program.

Easy, easy. Nailed it.

Yeah.

You say I'm wasting my weekends, but this is exactly why I'm always pushing for standardized certification for forklift operators.

Yeah. Oh, hey guys. What are you up to?

I was actually just drawing this drawing. Do you like it? Do you? It's really good, Fro. It's excellent.

Who's that adorable little kid with the afro right there? Is that DJ? No, it's me.

Here I am.

Breast milk magically bonds a mother and son.

DJ the pro.

Dude, this clip is so weird. Not even this guy dancing could save this vid. Oh, okay. You know, now I'm interested.

Dude, that horse is hung like a man.

Wow, Sarah Jessica Parker's really branching out.

You know, within every creepy horsehead guy, there's a creepy little Asian guy just waiting to get out.

Yeah, dude. You got to see the cutest note Karen put in my lunch. Bro, I'm just throwing this out there.

Do you think maybe it's possible you and Karen got some weird thing going on because you drank her breast milk?

Karen is just another coworker who occasionally spits into her hand to fix my hair.

Bro, listen to me. This is not the way to deal with your unresolved mother issues. Okay, you need to read that letter.

Oh, what? Now, if you don't mind, I think I hear Karen calling me. Karen. Karen, look at me. I'm faxing.

I'm faxing.

Yay. I'm so proud of you, Fro. If you have to go to the bathroom, go now before the meeting. I don't want

to stop halfway through because you forgot to go.

Karen, I had a nightmare at my desk. Can I work at your desk with you?

Okay, just this once. Yeah.

All right, I'm letting go. Oh, you got it. You got it. You're doing it.

I am. I'm doing I'm I'm really doing it. Everybody, look what Karen taught me.

Oh, son of a [ __ ] Oh, dude, check this out.

Yeah.

Hey, Fro. Why did the [ __ ] go for a manicure? because she wanted to be cured of being a man.

This guy has more fake lashes than Jesus's back. Okay, you missed a spot. You got it.

Good. A little more. Okay, a little more coverage. A little more lipstick. Get the corners. Little. Keep going.

Good. Round it out. Little more. Okay, good. On the top. Little more lipstick. Okay. Make sure it's a big night.

Keep going. I'll just add a little more. You got a lot left in that tube. Going. Keep going. Okay.

Little more. Come this far. No. Stop now. Finish line's in sight.

Keep going. And great. A little bit more. Just a little more. Go.

Okay. And oh, enough. God, you don't want to look like a [ __ ]

dude. Worst KFC commercial ever. Cool. I just got another clip.

What's this guy yelling about?

He's not yelling. It's Arabic. Allow me to translate.

Ola, stop this crazy thing from the Jetsons.

Keep going. Faster, faster. Come on.

Just pretend that modern civilization is gaining on you.

So much work and yet he's getting nowhere.

Kind of like the Middle East peace process. You laugh, bro. But that's true.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Keep it up.

You're totally going to fit into a size zero dishes by the end of the summer. What? Come on, dude. Fall off. Hit the wall. Come on.

Fall off and hurt yourself. Wipe out, dude. Get back into the wall, man.

Come on. Get hurt, dude. Hit yourself. [ __ ] man. Well, I got to admit, I was hoping that would end differently.

You mean like this? That, my friend, was the jizz.

All I'm saying is maybe if you read the letter your mom sent you, you could stop all this nonsense with Karen and finally get some closure.

Dej, I appreciate where you're coming from. You just have to meet my little angel. He's the sweetest little guy.

It sounds like Karen wants to introduce me to some of her co-workers. You're my favorite little man, aren't you?

Oh no.

DJ, the fro.

Hey, Fro. This guy's going to try to break the world's record for putting c*ck in his mouth. Three.

Four.

If I knew there was a world record for holding something in your mouth and then spitting it out, I would have nominated your mom.

Yes. Bird. You can't follow that. Sit on it.

Having giant c*ck in your mouth is up there with incest as a thing that sounds so much worse than it actually is.

Please explain to me why Paris Hilton is famous and this guy isn't. She's actually quite a savvy business. Okay, de we get it. Thanks though.

Now he has to hold in for seconds. Can we start? Countdown from .

He sucked up more Beatles than a Liverpool groupy. I am on fire.

Yeah. I hate that this gave me an erection. Nailed it.

Hey, check this one out.

Dude, he's obviously open. Throw him the ball.

This new video from Bjork is really reminiscent of her early stuff.

Oh, look. The baby's sleeping. Hi, Karen. How are you? Shh. Eli's napping.

Fine. Then I'll just be super quiet while I just draw on the wall. This is embarrassing. This is so bad what I'm doing right now.

Oh, look who decided to get up. You like your blankie wanky, don't you?

It's my turn with the blankie. No, it's my turn. My turn. My turn. No. Stop. Mine. Mine. Mine.

Oh my god. Fro. Did you just bite my baby? Yes, Karen. Yes, he did.

Hell yeah. together.

I'm having strange feelings about this woman. It's called Florence Nightingale effect.

You feel love and compassion for her because you want to take care of her and her pain.

Sort of, except I want to push her off the table again. Yeah.

Yeah.

I wonder where I should take her on her first date. A restaurant.

Are you crazy? She'd climb right up on the table. What about a comedy club? Are there tables at this comedy club? Well, yeah. Too dangerous.

What about a park? Are there picnic tables there? I don't know.

Did you not just see what happened to this poor lady? Hasn't she been through enough already?

Uh, hello. You were in the middle of a song. Moaning and writhing in pain isn't going to get you a record deal.

Hey, check this one out.

Woman on a diving board. Great. Why would anyone post this video to the internet?

Especially if nothing happens. What are What are we supposed to get excited for?

Whoopdedoo. A successful dive. Why is that interesting? Yeah.

Oh, I'm not impressed she's still alive.

Fry. I I feel like the internet may have desensitized you.

Hey, listen. I I just want to say I'm sorry for biting your baby. You know, it's just ever since I started drinking your breast milk.

You've been drinking my breast milk?

Of course. That's why we share this magical bond. That's why I look up to you like a mother. And you treat me like a child. I treated you like a child

because I thought you were the special needs hire.

Dude, wait. If you've been drinking my breast milk, what has baby Eli been drinking? Uh, coffee creamer.

So, that's why my baby's been at the doctor's every day with chronic digestive failure.

Yeah. Well, maybe. I mean, it could be a number of things.

You're a monster. A horrible, terrible, nonsp special needs hire monster.

He gets that a lot.

DJ the pro.

Wa. Dude, I think she missed a spot.

It must be hard to find time to shave when you're starring in a show like Rock.

Dude, her sideburns got transferred to Pittsburgh.

This reminds me of how much I love European women. This reminds me I need to mow my lawn.

This chick hasn't had a high five in like years.

Dude, her armpit maintenance is the second worst Bush administration this country has ever seen. I love it when you get political, fro.

You're like Al Franken without the horrible muppet face. I know. I know.

Why did you go, bro? I hope you don't blame yourself for Karen quitting and moving away. I mean, it's not your fault the only technology

that can treat infant digestive failures at Johns Hopkins. It is my fault, Dej.

No, it's not, Fro. You're in tremendous pain. You have abandonment issues. But filling the void of your mother's absence with a random coworker just isn't the answer.

Then what is the answer? Reading that letter from your real mom.

The letter she sent you exactly years in one day ago today. You're right, Deej.

Dear Fro.

Oh my god, those were the words I so desperately wanted to hear all these years. Keep going.

We've kidnapped your mother. We are holding her hostage in a small dark cellar with enough food and oxygen to last exactly years and not a minute

longer. Uh yeah, it rambles on from there, but I guess all the important info is kind of up top.

That's it.

Wow. I know that can't be easy to read, but at least you know she didn't leave you on purpose.

Oh, yeah. And it really finally gives me some closure.

Yeah, closure. That's good. You needed that.

Yeah. Yeah, but still I I can't help but think that if I had just opened the letter a couple of days earlier, I could

have watched this sweet new video from Aven Mitt and Pansier.

Yeah, Fro. Let's watch that clip. It's what your mother would have wanted and food and oxygen.

So, I took a new stand and I challenged all my peers. If you want to hang with us, I don't want to hear your cuss. If you want to hang with us, I don't want to hear your cuss. No c.

No c.

Oh, it's so cute when kids work together to destroy our constitutional rights.

My dad was watching news. I was trying to chill when I heard about the language on Capitol Hill. So, I guess I write a

letter to my congressman. I'd like to give a challenge to my government.

This reminds me of the anti-cussing bill sponsored by Hank Handler and Steve Cox.

The Cox Handler bill. I think you're thinking of Robert Chit and Harvey Fuller. The Fuller Chit bill.

No, it was Michael Buster and Samuel Heyman, the Buster Heyman Bill.

Actually, it was those three senators, Mark Will of California, the Chinese Democrat out of Illinois, Mike Pre, and the Republican from Georgia, Saxsby

Tickle ba*ls. There will tickle my ba*ls anti-cussing bills.

Don't cuss.

DJ the pro

DJ the Bro,

the fro chirp.