01x06 - Pedophile

[bunniefuu]

DJ and the fro the fro.

Who knew we'd score such a sweet gig right out of college? We got cubicles, carpeting, wheels on our chairs, and dude, I'm under a vent.

I know. This job is so awesome, Fro. And the carpeting does make it seem like we're walking on a lamb. But if we want to keep our jobs, maybe we should figure out how to get some of this work done.

Yeah, you're right. You're right. Time to roll up our sleeves. Oh, check out this awesome viral clip Spooner just sent me.

Now this is one kid who really knows how to work a crowd. Girls are icky.

I defecated in my underpants.

America is a crumbling empire collapsing under the weight of its own hubris.

k*ll the gypsies. k*ll the gypsies.

So, you want a mob of drunken New York socialites screaming at you? Okay, you're the sick kid. We just grant the wishes. We don't judge them.

[snorts and clears throat]

Don't just hand the cop your license. Do something awesome with it.

Oh, yeah. [screaming] Holy crap. That was the best party trick ever.

Here DJ the fro.

Hey, who you I aming? Uh, just some guy I met in a chat room.

He he seems pretty cool and really open, but he just refuses to believe I'm not a -year-old girl. Oh, best ever.

But why? Cuz if you're not actually a little girl, then these guys are so much fun to mess around with. What are you typing?

Just introducing our new friend here to your alter ego. How do you like the name Lindsy Lou?

Uh, Fro, are you sure we should be seducing random online pedophiles on company time?

DJ the Fro, I see you still haven't finished reconciling the financial statements for the distribution center.

You know, guys, we didn't give you the really nice vent so you could goof around beneath its calming breeze.

Actually, Mr. Balding, we're just putting the finishing touches on the statement reconciliation. So, we're just waiting to be wired the final um the

authorization spreadsheet. Mhm.

Why did you say that? We haven't done any work, dude. Relax. Okay, first things first.

My mommy and daddy are on vacation. Why don't you come play at my house? We live on the seventh floor of the Opera building downtown. Third cubicle on the

left. [laughter] Dare me to hit send. Dare me.

Well, I know inviting a sexual predator to the office seems cool in theory.

I know, right? [screaming] You better get ready for your date. Teach, your hair looks like crap.

Really? I just had it done yesterday.

DJ the pro.

Bro, not to bum you out, but if you don't get started on your filing, we could be here till like :, maybe even .

I know, but I can't stop watching these internet clips. I mean, you know how sometimes there's like a thing that you really want to do? [snorts] It's like that.

Excuse me. Hi. I'm looking for a Lindsy Lou Lingenberry. Ah, the pedophile's here. Dude, you're looking for DJ. He's

-year-old internationally renowned Hungarian contortionist Lindsay Louenberry.

No, I'm not. You fell for the oldest joke in the book, dude. Total burn.

Oh my god. You set me up. I was just going to be her friend. Please, please don't call the police. I'll do anything.

Anything? Anything.

Can you reconcile financial statements right away? Sweet.

Chop chop. Mr. Pedophile. Oh, De, you got to see this video Chugs and Snarf just sent me.

DJ, the bro big size.

Dude, that is insane. Now I know why broccoli is called nature's flute.

I don't care if Confucious say you have to make a flute out of vegetable. You don't always have to do what Confucious say.

[music]

Fro, if you think this is amazing, you should see it when he takes a leak in his mouth. [laughter]

I haven't seen anyone blow a vegetable this well since Nancy Reagan. [laughter]

Music's easy if you got a piece of broccoli handy. Let's see him make music without the broccoli.

[screaming]

Yeah.

I haven't seen an Asian sing like this since Hiro Nakatomi testified against the Yakuza crime syndicate.

Yeah. [laughter]

[screaming]

I'm pretty sure this is how they tortured John McCain. [laughter]

[screaming]

[cheering]

She just wanted a friend wine coolers have alcohol in them. I know it had wine in it the name. What do you Mr. Sinclair? Hey, be a doll and make

copies of these bank statements and fax them to this number. Would you? It's not a crime to make no friends.

Come on. Uh, excuse me, buddy. Uh, listen. I was wondering if it's not too much trouble.

You want to borrow my pedophile, don't you? Yes, please. Well, well, well. Looks like Mr.

Pedophiles aren't the sweetest thing ever. Suddenly doesn't think they're not so aren't the sweetest thing.

Wait, can I just borrow them, Fro?

Sorry, Dee, but if I lend you my pedophile, Ken's going to want him. And then Cecilian accounting. When do we say enough is enough?

Fine, then I'll just get my own pedophile. In fact, maybe I'll get two pedophiles.

Well, if you get two pedophiles, then I'm getting three pedophiles.

Well, just so you know, I'm seriously considering getting four pedophiles.

All right, dude. This is not a competition. Okay, if the internet has taught us anything, it's there are plenty of pedophiles to go around.

I was born Olympia, so technically we are the same age.

True. This is totally the life. I can't see how any of this could possibly go wrong.

I know. And now that we've got all these pedophiles, we can finally spend more time on more worthwhile pursuits.

Dude, what the hell is this? Could it be any more obvious? You don't know either.

Of course I do. I just want to hear you say it first.

Ah, dude. They're making sledgehammer bombs. Oh, yeah. That is such a cool weapons combination. Yeah. A lot better than your idea for knife knives.

This is what happens when you don't give your gardeners a Christmas bonus. Yeah.

This is the coolest thing ever. Who knew going deaf and losing a limb could be so cool? I give the sledgehammer b*mb video two nubs up.

Awesome. [screaming] That sledgehammer has a more powerful recoil than a cleft palleted Armenian with short-term memory loss who just walked into a mirror store.

Sledgehammer bombs. Just one more thing those stupid Amish are missing out on.

Look at the new guys, Ken. They're such slackers.

I could easily just sit back at my desk all day if I had pedophiles doing my work for me.

Yeah. When I first started out, all we had was self-ride and a can do attitude.

We didn't have any fancy schmancy pedophiles.

Kids today were their computers and their fast cars and their flashy pedophiles.

H I wonder what Mr. Balding would think if he [music] found out about this. Yes,

I wonder I very much wonder this [music] also. Dorine

DJ the pro.

People, there's a dangerous gas leak and we need you to evacuate.

Ignore the fact that I'm a cute baby and listen to my words. You all have minutes to live.

Ah, screw it. Go Phillies. The Phillies are a team of racists.

[screaming]

Allegedly.

Yeah. [screaming] You know, using your car as a sled is a great idea.

Yeah. This must be somewhere in Asia cuz Asians drive so bad, you know.

Yeah. You know what, bro? I love your r*cist jokes because you're not really a r*cist, but rather you're making fun of racism.

Aac. What? What? Aac. Aac. Oh my god.

You're doing the duck in the insurance commercial. That's so awesome. Do it again. Aac. Aac. [laughter] Aac.

Aac.

Aac. Aac. I can't take it anymore. Oh, bro, you are so awesome, dude. I'll never be that cool.

I know. Hello, DJ. Oh, yeah. Hi. Yes. Okay. Right away, Mr.

Balding. Fro. Guess who wants to see us? Ben. Ben. Ben who?

Ben. Ah, Flack. [screaming] [laughter] He did it again. I can't believe it. No, actually the boss.

It's been brought to my attention that you two have been using a team of pedophiles to do your work for you. Uh,

Mr. Balding, sir, it's just that fro sh DJ, I swear to God, if you don't shut up, I'm going to rip your face off,

split in half, crush it up, and stick it into my ba*ls to make my ba*ls look bigger. God, I'm sorry. As you were saying, sir,

what I was going to say is having a team of pedophiles to do your work for you is exactly the kind of out of the box

thinking we're looking for here at Upperan Industries.

Oh, you see, most people think of pedophiles as a mere nuisance, but you realize their untapped potential in an office setting.

Just doing our job, sir.

Now, if you two keep this up, there could be a promotion in your future.

Now, go on, get back to work, you two rascals. Hey, come here. Come here. All

[laughter]

right. Okay. All right. Get out of here. Go ahead. Yes, sir.

Sir, Mr. Balding loves us. I mean, did you hear him say promotion?

I know. What kind of promotion do you think he was talking about?

I don't even know what a promotion is, but it just it sounds awesome. And the thing he did to our bellies, dude. I know.

This is crazy. They're going to get a promotion just because they tricked some pedophiles into doing their work. Anyone can do that.

Anyone can, Dorene. But DJ and the fro did.

Oh god, I hate you, Ken. DJ. The fro. Yeah. [screaming] Awesome.

A fro. What is that guy doing?

What do you think he's doing? He's humping that ottoman.

Oh my god, he is. He's humping the Jesus out of that ottoman. That dude is like the coolest guy ever.

Oh, here comes another black guy. I wonder what he's going to do. It's really anybody's guess.

What's up? This your boy [music] about to show you what I got right.

Yes. I knew he was going to hump that ottoman.

[music]

Piper is my favorite. He just seems like the brains behind this operation.

Yeah. Although ecstasy is the best technique, you know, it's like a perfect combo of yoga and sodomy. [laughter] Black people are so much cooler than us.

[music]

Hey, you know who those guys remind me of? The Beatles. Yep.

[music]

I bet that ottoman smells really good now. Oh, dude, check this out.

It's time to play Don't drink that chocolate milk.

Don't drink it. Don't drink the chocolate milk. You're supposed to be on a diet.

This is probably the worst ad campaign Nestle has ever had.

Okay, Fro. $ says she doesn't drink that chocolate milk. Call me crazy, but I believe in this woman. You are on,

sucker. Come on, baby. Don't drink that milk. Do not drink that milk. I'm the tiger. You're the best around.

Trying to believe though going gets rough that you got to hang tough to make it. Yes. Yes. You drank it. Five bucks.

Oh, lady. If you weren't so devoid of willpower, I would finger the bet Jesus out of you.

You're the best around. Nothing's going to ever keep you down. You're the best.

I think I could marry this woman if she could just get off that damn chocolate milk. Hey, she's got an addiction, my friend.

Nothing's going to ever [music] keep you down. Don't drink that chocolate milk. Yeah, she's not very good at this game.

That clip makes me feel like anything is pos. Oh my god. What? Hey, what's going on?

Our pedophiles, they're sick.

DJ, the pro.

Our pedophiles, they're sick. No, no, no, no, no. This can't be happening.

Hey, get up, Mr. Sinclair. Fact something. Come on, man. I need you.

You're so efficient in an office setting. You're the glue that holds this office together. I value you.

Oh, bro. Don't you see what's happening?

No. What? The pedophiles. They're too appreciated here. Self-worth is their kryptonite. Don't you get it? Pedophiles thrive on shame and self-hatred. Fro.

They flourish when they're in their mother's basement trolling the internet or lurking under the grade school bleachers. No, but but we need them.

Maybe it's time we start thinking about what the pedophiles need.

You're right, Deej. I guess we have no choice but to release the pedophiles back into society. It's the right thing to do.

Oh, check out what Stinkfist forwarded me from Sharkface and McJazz Feet.

[music]

[music]

Yeah, [screaming] honey. Manners. How many times do we have to tell you to use utensils when

you eat ice cream alone in the shower in your bikini with your foot?

Oh, this must be that new Ben and Jerry's

flavor. Chocolate chip cookie toe [laughter] or My left foot starring Daniel Day Lemon Sherbet.

[music]

Oh, dude, check this out. There's a lot of emphasis put on hunting big game these days, but there's great fun to be had in an oldfashioned squirrel hunt.

Let's check our safeties. Yep. Safety in. Where's your second safety? Up here. Up here. All right. Let's go hunt.

All right. [music] Come on. Let's go around the outside tree. Let me get him.

Yeah. [screaming] Take that, innocent creature of God.

Only minutes in the woods and you got one. Great job. I saw him coming.

I promised him a squirrel sandwich and that is what he's going to get after school. You've heard of tuna [music] melts or patty melts. Why not squirrel melt?

Yeah, squirrel melt. Yeah, melted squirrel.

It's a nice [music] young tender squirrel. And we're going to start by poaching this. I've got [music] some simmering water.

He's kind of cute. Going to put his little tender butt in there. And I've got some already done here.

[music] Now I'm adding peacans. You can use again what kind of nut you like. Uh cashews work really well, but I like pecans. You know how squirrels like nuts.

Yeah. The secret to most good recipes is to add what the animal liked to eat when it was alive. Like that's why so many

great beef recipes have hay in them and why so many great dog recipes have dog vomit in them. And why so many great

hamster recipes have their own d*sfigured hamster babies in them. And that's why all the best broken vending machine recipes have all my quarters in them.

I'm using cojack. It's [music] nice and colorful. It melts real good.

And the squirrel [music] salad is all heated up.

I always thought squirrel salad was just a euphemism for vag*na.

Squirrel melts. You must [music] try them. Yeah. Awesome. A nasty.

Get out of my neighborhood, you sick pervert.

Get in the car, kids. That man walking down the sidewalk is a disgusting, demented pedophile.

I'm going to miss those guys. Yeah, we did good, dude. We did good. Come on, let's get those perverts.

You know, we may never get a promotion or even know who that is, but I think we've gotten something much more important. Oh, yeah. What's that, Fro?

Memories. Deege. Memories that will last us a lifetime.

Next time on DJ in the Oh,

I like how you eat soup. But my partner here, well, he gets a little crazy. You never know when he Oh my [screaming] god.

DJ the pro

DJ, the pro

The fro chirp.

[music]