01x03 - I Love You

[bunniefuu]

DJ and the froj.

The fro.

Fellas, I'm in a bit of a bind. I don't know if you heard, but the entire sales department passed away this weekend.

Yeah, that's what we kind of figured when we saw those vacant parking spots.

Oh man, those spots are sweet. I would have k*lled the whole sales department for one of those spots. Now I'll never have the chance.

Right. I'm going to need you guys to pick up the slack and make this important sales call. Mr. Kuryakis here is one of our biggest clients.

Well, maybe you should go on a diet. What? You see what I did there?

That's the type of razor sharp wit that will land us the Kuryakus account. Some people go their whole lives without appreciating the subtle nuances of Antandra, but not you, the fro. Holla.

Okay, Mr. B, we're on it.

Oh yeah, she crashed harder than Windows Vista before the release of Service Pack one.

Yeah, I haven't seen anyone blow a lead like that since you got way too drunk with that dude who played Tevia from Fiddler on the Roof.

You experimented with your sexuality.

Living rooms, bedrooms, dinett. Oh yeah, you can find them at the market. We talking about flea market Montgomery. I

don't understand what this store is. I wish you could offer me a simile. That would help.

It's just like It's just like a mini mall. Oh, a mini mall. Oh, okay. Now I get it.

Montgomery. It's just like It's just like a mini mall.

Something tells me this is the place to go if you need to furnish a Hooker Motel.

Dinets. Oh yeah. You can find them at the market. We talking about flea market. Bro, let's turn this off before he makes it a dance.

Let's make it a dance.

Son of a [ __ ] Let's do this dance. Hey, to the left. To the right.

I know he seems nice in the commercial, but I bet if you go in there, he's like, "You going to buy something or you just going to sit your fat a*s on that couch

all day?" Check it out. Now, my man boobs are sweaty. They're just like a mini mall. Don't look for dead

bodies underneath my mini mall. The options for clothing in my size are minimal. If you shrank a mini mall, you

get a mini mini mall. I like to compete on. I'm just like a urinal. I've never seen a mini mall, but I have a mental picture.

Baby, that Barack Obama delivers a great State of the Union address. DJ the pro.

Yeah, Mr. Baldi's letting us make a sales call, Mommy. No, don't tell Dad. I want to tell him. All right, Mommy.

Well, I'm going to go make that call now. Okay. Okay. Goodbye. I love you.

You love your mom? She's not even that hot.

Dude, shut up. My mom's a jizz. Now, let's make that sales call.

Hello. Uh, hi. Yes. Hi, Mr. Kyakis. It's pronounced Kuriois. What is the purpose of this call that is clearly going so

badly that even the cleverest, sharpest, and wittiest of double antandras could not fix?

Uh, well, uh, we're calling from Opracon Industries about placing your order this year. My order in this economy?

Yeah. Okay, good point, sir. I'm so sorry that we wasted your time. We We won't be bothering you again. Thank you very much. Goodbye. I love you.

Dude, did you just say I love you?

Oh my god. I think I did. I think I just told Mr. Karaakis I love him.

It's Kurio.

DJ the fro.

Dude, look at that piercing. That is the freakiest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

Oh my god. See, this is exactly why you can't let a cold sore go untreated.

Oh, she's clapping. She's like a snake. You mean with that fork tongue?

What? No, I just think her skin would make a great belt.

This is just wrong. If God wanted women to have two tongues, he would have given men four ba*ls.

The reason I called you guys in is to discuss what happened on the phone call with Mr. Kuryakis.

Mr. Balding, this is all my fault. You see, I talk to my mom a lot.

Yeah, it's really weird. I mean, she's not even that hot.

I know, Fro. I got your memo. The point is, I just got off the phone with Mr.

Kuryakus and he doubled his usual order. He did? Wait, like doubled it upwards?

I'm not sure what specific words or unexpected phrase you used on that phone call, but you guys sure know how to close a deal. That's why I want you to

make more sales calls for me. And if you keep this up, I might be able to finagle you to your very own parking spot.

Mr. Balding, you sir are the jizz. Well, in high school, I was voted most likely to be the Jiz.

We'll get on top of this right away.

When's he going to stop teasing and start sucking?

It seems like a mistake for that guy to put his cat by the toaster oven. I just hope he doesn't try to put bagels in the cat and s*domize the toaster.

This is exactly what you want in a cat.

A cute little pet in public and a [ __ ] in the kitchen.

Wow. Cat really seems to love the taste of cyanide.

That's how we had to feed my brother after his motorcycle accident. Your brother's in a wheelchair.

Stupid.

That was adorable. Now, let's get you into the microwave. Okay, here we go.

And now, a story about dignity, class, and the American spirit.

Here, more in cuz that's all loose and gooey.

Yeah, that's already bruising. Good job. High

five. Hey honey, I know it's clogging the toilet. Yeah, it's a gigantic fat man with a plunger stuck to him. I do not remember eating that.

I'm so happy right now. And I don't know why.

I know why he's so happy. They finally got that Fredo out of his belly button.

So why in the hell would I want to do business with you guys when I can get the same crap for half the price? Uh, well, because I love you.

You do, do you?

I had no idea. Put me down for . And we ship for free and we insure and we guarantee. And I love you.

Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? Put me down for .

I'm sorry. I was not interested in placing an order or anything else for that matter.

Even though I love you. Put me down for units.

DJ and the fro tell people they love them and suddenly they're considered office heroes. But when I say I love

you, all I get are cold stares and unreturned emails.

It would have never worked between us, Ken. Besides the five minutes we spend at the water cooler every day discussing DJ and the fro, we have nothing in common.

I live for those five minutes. Dude, just wait. You'll love this one.

Eating here tonight.

And um I've been having some ideas lately.

I've been thinking about doing porn.

Yeah, she totally is going to do porn.

The kind of porn that's in a truck in an alley for bucks and there's no cameras.

I really just want to do something I'm going to enjoy. Do it.

Doing. Do it. For a living. Seriously, do it.

And for a long time, I've wanted to to do astrology. A Ian's the best. She has all kinds of

great ideas for her future, like astrology, and if that doesn't work, porn.

So, I'd like to hear the opinion of my people, my public, my viewership.

Um, Do you all think I would be a success?

You know what? You'd never be considered a success at getting to the point quickly.

Let me know if you think it's a good idea or not. Do it already. calories here. . miles an hour.

Working the five guys. miles an hour.

Uh you know what this guy's running from?

uh his own inadequacies as an artist, a father, a husband, and a man. Yep.

Move your arms up and down, guys. Let it out. Let it out, guys. That's it. Do a little back running. Yeah.

Well, that didn't work. All right.

Dude, that is the most useless art since Garf. Uncle DJ

the bro and Mr. Johnson ordered a truck full.

No, not you. I'm talking about Paul Johnson, a client. God, my p*nis is annoying.

You guys are doing great and you're well on your way to getting some primo parking spots. But it's come to my attention that you're telling your customers that you love them.

Oh, yeah. Well, see, it's a funny story. It all started with my mom. His ugly mom.

Guys, lying to get ahead is a dangerous game. A game I once played and lost. Mr. Balding?

Yes. I was once young and eager like the two of you. I used to call people and tell them that I was their daughter that went missing without a trace just to

make a sale. And while I closed a lot of deals and made a lot of money, somewhere along the line, I lost a part of my

soul. I wouldn't want that to happen to you guys. Not to worry, sir. We can handle it. Come on, De. We got some deals to close.

Life will be their teacher now.

DJ the fro.

Yeah, that dude nailed his two fingers together. Way to go, douchebag.

Dude, I totally nailed my hand last night, too. I was on the couch watching Basic Instinct, the no underwear scene.

Hubba hubba.

Yet another reason you can't learn how to finger from a book. Oh, dude, check this out.

Dear Santa, I don't want anything for Christmas. As long as I have my Chevy Tahoe with its recently replaced windshield, I'm totally Yeah. Son of a

[ __ ]

Yeah, mommy. It's going great. Soon we'll get that choice parking spot. Oh, don't tell daddy. I want to tell him.

Okay. Well, I better get back to work. I love you.

Do you really love me or do you just want me to place an order?

No. No. Don't say that, Mommy. It's different with you. Mommy, I really love you. Mommy, no. You're the J. Mommy, you're the J.

Deej. Dee. Hey, wake up. Hey, dude.

You're having a nightmare, bro. I think I'm losing part of my soul. What?

Yeah, Mr. Balding, he was right. I can't do this. I'm sorry, man, but I'm out. I'm out. Dude, you just had a bad dream.

Okay, just relax. Take a deep breath and just check out this awesome clip from what's his name? Yeah,

they are ripped. I haven't seen calves that sexy since I got drunk at the ve farm.

Let's bet on who's going to win this thing. I've got the straight guy who's doing this to pay for his wife's breast implants.

I've got the smaller gentleman with the erection.

Dude, how many times do I have to tell you, Spven? This is my look.

I feel like I'm watching one of Zack Efron's dreams.

Dude, you're mostly a good roommate, but I totally called the last yogurt. Dude, chill. I'm about to make you some more on your back.

Oh, cool. I just got another clip.

You got to meet Tad now. He's a real sucker. Oh no, I'm stuck in a net.

Hey, Scott.

We do things a little differently here at Buxom and Mortimer.

Yeah, that guy sure seems surprised for someone working in a net g*n testing facility.

Wow, that was a great clip. Yeah, but sorry, Fro. My mind's made up. I can't say I love you on sales calls anymore. It's just not worth it.

Oh, DJ, maybe you're comfortable settling for a life of parking in a lot that's a little further away from where we could park, but not me.

Be careful, okay? Cuz once you cross that line, man, d that's the difference between you and me. I have no line.

Howdy, partner.

Yes. Hi, this is the fro calling from Oprecon Industries. I know who you are, and I've heard you're very good at what you do.

Oh, well, I'd like to think so, sir.

Now, I'm thinking of placing a pretty big order.

I'm talking huge, long, thick robin.

So, uh, I'd like to know how you feel about me.

Well, uh, Uppercreon values you as a customer and we're available for all your Oprecon needs

and and well, I love you.

That was great to hear, boy. Now, I'm going to conference in a few of my associates that are really going to enjoy this conversation.

Conference call. Uh, I don't know if I'm comfortable with that. Now, you listen to me, boy. You're going to tell my associates how you feel about them, just

like you told me, and you're going to like it.

Well, boy, say hello to the fro. He's the pretty boy I was telling you about. Howdy there, kid. Nice to meet you.

Pleasure. I can't wait to see how you feel about me.

Uh, weird. Okay. Line being crossed. I don't like it. Ow. Brady Bunch

DJ the pro.

Introducing the Teddy Bear. That's T I D Y Bear. The cute little guy that eliminates all those irritating shoulder

strap problems. Titty Bear. I love swapping E's with eyes. It really takes the edge off the fact that my uncle made

me scrub his deck. And I wouldn't be embarrassed to admit I have a thing for a girl's minstal fluid.

You can easily adjust the teddy bear to work from either the driver's side, passenger seat, or infant car seat.

Ironically, all these people wearing seat belts are people I'd like to see die in a car accident.

If you're in and out of your car all day like I am, you're really going to enjoy the comfort of the teddy bear.

Ah, the teddy bear. Now your breast could be covered with more fur than Patricia Heaton's.

Response to the teddy bear has been amazing. Now you can call and find out what all the fuss is about.

Stuffed animals aren't just for rubbing genitals on anymore.

DJ, the pro.

Come on, boy. Show everyone what you got. Uh uh well uh we don't like to be kept waiting, boy.

Either you do your thing or we're never placing an order with y'all again. And from what I understand, you'll never get your parking spot.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Wait, wait, wait. I I I

love No, bro. Don't say it. But the parking spots. I don't care about the parking spots. It's not worth it. Listen, gentlemen.

I'm sorry, but my friend Fro here here can't say he loves you because he doesn't love you. Now, he may be able to

grow to love you one day after you all get to know each other a little better, but uh not now. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but it is the

truth. You know, boys, we're powerful businessmen and we're used to getting what we want. But we also appreciate

honesty. Now, I can't place an order with you today, but I think the respect you've shown us bodess well for our future.

Thank you, sir. Perhaps we should all get together for lunch sometime and, you know, just talk and get to know each other.

We'd like that very much.

Well, looks like we're not going to get one of them fancy parking spots.

Well, we may have to walk all the way from across the street, but at least we can walk across the street with our dignity. Yeah, you're right, Deej.

Thanks for setting me straight. Well, I did it because I love you.

A thanks. But as much as I like hearing you say that, I think there is a certain butt ugly family member of yours who would like it even more.

My mommy. Yeah, she really is horrible again.

Yeah, disgusting. Next time on DJ in the fro.

That's the ugliest vag*na I've ever seen.

DJ, the proje The fro.

The fro chirp.