01x02 - Emergency Contact

[bunniefuu]

DJ and the bro.

[music]

DJ. The fro. D. Dude, spit in Ken's coffee.

No. Do it. I don't want to.

DJ, do it. Earl, tell everyone that you caved as soon as I used my mustard voice. Okay. Okay, I'll do it.

Mr. Balding, DJ spit in my coffee.

DJ, we're in the middle of a company meeting here. Besides, we've talked hundreds of times about Ken's spit allergy. [laughter] Classic.

That's enough, the fro. It's amazing you guys have so much time to mess with Ken when you haven't even finished your personal info sheets. But I don't want

you leaving this office until you've completed them. A the iron fist of justice has served

finally fist.

Say it in your head first before you say it out loud. Ken, grass is holy, you know, and you have a

fence, man. I come in the name of Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit. It don't matter how you come with me. If you is you down doing what I'm talking about

doing lawyers and get this book open, trained in these words to get the poor, the fatherless, and the widows up out of them penitentiies. If you down with

that, you ain't down with that. Shut your damn a*s up. [screaming] The devil's a liar.

Yeah, worried. Amen, brother.

Stupid [ __ ] Yeah, I don't give a what you think, [ __ ] This guy been hat Jesus. This guy been

counting Jesus. And the Lord saw thick matted down braids of hair, a turtleneck, and a cheap sport coat from

Mvin and several restraining orders. Oh, and a phone book. And he knew that they were good.

You don't like it? Kiss my a*s. You don't like it. It's my house. Amen, brother.

It's not of competition. It's of cooperation. Stupid a*s house. Go down on the mountain. Jesus is the way to peace.

Testify. What you talking about? Yes, we can. Oh, no you didn't. Hey. Hey. Hey. Drop it like it's hot.

Denzel.

Denzel. [screaming] No amies. No amies. Stop. Higher. Bob. Dino. Mate.

Don't go in there. The k*ller's right behind you. Yes. On eight.

Speaking loudly conveys a high level of agreement cuz it's considered inconscience. You know, ain't I bet when this guy hears testify, it's

usually being shouted at him by the prosecution.

[laughter]

Racism can't be prayed away.

Anybody Anybody resisting my a*s kisses, dude? I can't believe it's Friday night.

Everyone is already gone and we can't leave until we finish these stupid personal info sheets.

Dude, this is impossible. What did you put down for all this stuff? Well, for my dream name, I put down Bruce Newman.

Dream name? No, dude. They want your actual name. You sure? Give me that.

Whoa. Wait a second. Uh, who the hell is Marty? And why is he listed as your person to contact in case of emergency?

Uh, oh, Marty. Yeah, he's, you know, he's just some guy.

I thought I would be your emergency contact.

I I put you down as mine. Uh, listen, to be honest, I'm not sure I can rely on you in the event of an emergency cuz uh

quite frankly, bro, you're you're a bit of a bully. Wow. Uh, wow, bro. [snorts] You really feel that way?

I'm sorry. But yes. Gosh. Well, that stings. That [snorts] hurts bad.

It's almost like you don't It's like you don't It's like you don't want to watch this new clip Senator Shellfish just sent me.

Yeah.

After the show, the staff at Ellen celebrates another job well done. Yeah.

This is what I heard living on a kabutz was like, "Well, man, those Jews know how to party." Yeah. [screaming]

These monkey chicks are still rocking the s bush, and I like it. [laughter] I actually for I prefer pubic hair to be

seen where it belongs on the rim of a toilet.

[clears throat and screaming]

Wa! It's dangerous being a park ranger in Africa, but they do make nearly six potatoes a year.

Ah, Fro. Do you think we'll ever finish these personal info sheets?

I don't know. Want to ask your emergency contact if he's so freaking great. Come on, Fro. Don't be like that. Yeah.

Besides, I think it's healthy for friends like us to have different emergency contact.

[screaming and groaning]

Oh my god, DJ.

Help, bro. I think my lungs are collapsing. Hang tight, De. I'll have this off you in no Wait a second. You

know what? This seems like an emergency situation to me. Well, perhaps I should refer to your personal info sheet to see

who your emergency contact is. Oh, bad news, Dee.

[music]

DJ the fro.

Fro. Come on, man. Get this off me. Ah, I would love to, but according to this, you've listed a Marty as your emergency contact, not me.

Fro, you got to stop messing around. I think my spleen just yed.

Well, then we better get emergency contact Marty on the phone right away. Okay, let's see. .

. What area code is that? It's New Hampshire.

He lives in New Hampshire. Your emergency contact lives a thousand miles away. Wow. Uh, here we go.

He's not answering. How many hours ahead is he? Like . Let's leave a message.

Hi, Marty. DJ's had an emergency. If you get this soon, please get on a plane right away. I think you can get a good deal if you fly through Kansas City, but

only do a stopover because if you change planes, the terminals there are crazy.

You have to go all the way from A all the way down to D if you're going to come back out here. So, I wouldn't do that. Just stay on the plane you're at and just ask the stewardist which baggage claim number you should get on when you get here. Okay, thanks. Bye.

Well, I guess there's nothing left to do but check out this brand new video giraffe news to send us. Hey.

Hi. Hi. This is a a real lamb. Oh, that thing makes me want to vomit.

Yeah, dude. s are over. Lose the ponytail. All right, man. Here goes everything.

Oh, gross.

[screaming]

Awesome.

Do it again. Do it again. Eat more lambs. Yeah.

Hey, I heard he was fired as a kindergarten teacher. Apparently, he sucked on a pupil. [laughter]

Dude, the juice of the lamb's

[screaming]

know what the name of the lamb is that they got the eyeball from? What?

Lambmy Davis Jr. [laughter] I don't get it. He had one eye.

[laughter]

And his name was Sammy. Wait, I don't get it. Oh my Santana. Oh, I've seen this one.

[music]

Slow-mo is so much cooler than regular Mo. Yeah.

At least that'll teach her to be out of my league. Yeah.

Take that, douchebag. I'm over this.

I'm back. Nailed it. Look, I know he's sick, but I don't think it's right to let Muhammad Ali just punch unsuspecting

strangers. Even if it does make him feel like the champ again. You know what I'd like to punch out?

World hunger and my dad.

Oh. [screaming] Oh, it hurts.

Oh no. I don't think Marty's going to get here in time to save your legs.

Probably not. Wait, I just got a thought. Why don't you just change the name of your emergency contact from Marty to the Fro? That's T H E F R O.

And then I can get you out.

You're kidding. [clears throat] I I don't joke about spelling.

Oh, God. For you're such a baby. Just fine.

Here you go. Yeah, you can write with this. Do it already.

No. Ah, forget it. What? This is your only chance.

This is exactly why I didn't put you down in the first place. Because you are a bully. You push me around with your monster voice and make me do things that

I don't want to do. Yeah. Well, guess what? No more. Okay. I'm not signing.

Oh, you stubborn little son of a [ __ ] Fine. Okay. Fine. Let's just do this then. Okay. Cuz I got nowhere to go and I got nothing to do all night.

We lo Eagles, man. Come on. [laughter] That douchebag is so upset that the Giants lost.

Stupid. Why are you living?

You think he's taking this hard? Wait till they tell him they're out of Doritos. [laughter] We went into Pittsburgh. We went into Pittsburgh and we beat their asses.

I haven't seen someone that emotional after a ball game since that time we scroed him wrestled. [laughter] We were the best team in the NFL. I

don't give a Look at this girl making fun of him behind his back. What a cruel [ __ ] God, I hate her. She's kind of hot. Yeah, I can't stay mad at her.

I give a You know what? I'm Zuma trophy. We're not going to get it this year. Even though we deserved it.

They just need to calm this guy down. Shut the up, you mother. It's a game.

Yeah. tattoo.

Eli Manning has got to stop eating when he gets depressed.

[laughter]

Oh, hey, check this one out.

I like soccer because it's peaceful. No contact, no violence. Oh my god.

[screaming]

What do you call that kind of throw?

Another failed attempt to make soccer interesting. [laughter] Yeah, [screaming]

that guy has more dirty white ba*ls thrown at his face than Zack Efron

[laughter]

DJ the pro.

That could have been the greatest emergency contact ever. You know, I just never got the chance. As my gamy always said, you got to play the hand you're dealt it. Smelt it.

Help. [screaming] Help. Uh-oh. Help.

Oh, how are you? Great. Just great. Uh, listen, boss called. Said for you to take the night off. So, bye-bye later.

Okay. Kick it.

Oh, well, if he called, then that's great. You know that. [laughter] Hey, what's that?

Help, Jim. It's me, DJ. I'm trapped under my cubicle. Help. What was that?

That Oh, uh, that was my kettle. Yeah, tea's ready.

Really? Because it sure sounded like somebody yelling, "Help, Jim. It's me, DJ. I'm trapped under my cubicle. Help.

Yeah. No, I programmed the kettle to yell, "Help, Jim. It's me, DJ. I'm trapped under my cubicle. Help." When the waters hot.

You expect [music] me to believe you have a computerized kettle that you have programmed to scream, "Help, Jim. It's me, DJ. I'm trapped under my cubicle.

Help!" when the water gets hot. Yep.

They have those now. They must be in one of them Sky Mall catalogs. Sky Mall is like a future. I know.

I always wanted to get me one of them wine holders in the shape of that French dude. Oh, really? Here you go.

Thank you, fo. You know, you're a great guy.

I think I'm going to put you down as my emergency contact. Good night.

Oh, Dee. Marty would be so upset if he knew you asked someone else to help you.

We wouldn't want that to happen, now would we? De,

[laughter]

[screaming]

you're going to die.

DJ the pro.

All right, come on, my man. Just cross out Marty's name and put mine in and let's all go home.

Why the hell is it so damn important for you to be my emergency contact? Why? Why? Yeah, why?

Because I always thought you were the one person who believed on me. [gasps] I've said too much, bro.

I I do believe on you. It's just that sometimes you're kind of a d*uche.

I know. I guess I mock you relentlessly as a way of protecting myself.

I'm just not used to having a best friend.

Bro, put that pen in my mouth. I need to update my personal info sheet. Why is that? Did you recently move?

Nope.

Awesome. DJ, I am so honored. Well, as your emergency contact, let me help you watch this awesome new clip Ray Ray just sent me.

That song I wrote is um I've been performing at the music center as a street musician ever since uh .

And I come to bring people joy and happiness just like Jesus the prophet came.

Uh a Christian dummy. Isn't that kind of redundant?

[laughter]

Let's start with bitching and complaining. Next song up. An alien playing guitar. Isn't that a little redundant?

One day I will k*ll you, DJ.

Always bitching and complaining about me. Singing at the music center [music] joy. You see, I love the Cosby show.

[ __ ] and complain.

Hey Fro, what's the difference between [ __ ] and complain?

Uh, you can't slap the hell out of some stupid complain. [laughter] The [ __ ] should complain cuz I'm black

and you see they don't want an African American there. Man, tough times for David Allen Greer.

Yeah, the guy next to him is David Alien Greer.

Shut up, DJ. You ruined a perfectly good David Allen Greer joke.

Oh, hey, check this one out. Yes. Hell yeah.

Finally, a l*sbian video that doesn't make young lesbians hold themselves to unrealistic physical expectations.

You took the words right out of my mouth, just like she's doing with that other girl's cookie. [laughter]

You would not believe what you'll see when you turn a black light on in a motel room.

I think the one on the right overflated her love doll. [laughter]

Hey Fro, those clips were great. Now, please, if you wouldn't mind.

As your newly anointed emergency contact, it would be my [screaming] Help! Help me, DJ! Help me or I'll eat

your brain. [music] DJ, the fro.

Ouch. I think I can still reach my mouse. Must

see new video. Queefake Charlie just sent.

When [clears throat] we're at w*r with the Arabs, we do not need an a damn Arab president.

I've never seen Anne Coulter look this good before. Hubba Bubba. [laughter] We want to vote for somebody with a name like Barack Hussein Obama.

Dude, that is the worst high five ever.

We elected an Arab when we're at w*r with Iraq and Iran.

Her political views might be a little skewed, but her taste in men is impeccable.

I'm talking about those guys should settle their political

differences by having a sword fight inside of that lady. [laughter]

Black has nothing to do with You know what? I'm getting so sick of watching a bunch of Harvard grads pushing their socialist liberal agenda on everybody.

America is going to win.

These colors don't run. Hillary Clinton for president all the way.

Hillary Clinton. I did not see that coming.

I'm done with this. Ooh, but check this one out.

I get a really good workout. You do about or of those, you're going to be very tired. You can stand up and go down.

You just know this is going to end with a great physique and perfectly functioning eyes. You can put it on one leg and push it.

Dude's eyes are ruined. That guy gets more tubes slapped across his face than Ted Haggard. [laughter]

[screaming]

Hey, at least this guy died doing what he loved. He didn't die.

Well, a little part of him died. The part that trusts rubber bands.

Fro. Yeah, buddy. If I don't make it, you can eat me.

Marty, DJ, I got the message and I came as fast as I could. There weren't any flights in the middle of the night from New Hampshire, so I rented a helicopter to come save you.

I knew it. I knew you'd come, Marty.

Of course, for I am your emergency contact. Oh, Marty, your legend precedes you.

Wait, what? What's this?

God, DJ, say it. Is it so You took my name off as your emergency contact? You replaced me with a guy named the fro again. Means the world to me. Dej.

I can't believe it. After my wife left me and my four kids got diagnosed with multiple scerosis and cereopausaly,

diabetes and autism respectively. Being your emergency contact was the only constant I had in life. Now I don't even have that.

Goodbye DJ. I hope this fro is as good an emergency contact as I was.

If he was a real hero, he wouldn't have called it a helicopter. He would have said chopper. True that.

Well, looks like it's going to be a long weekend. At least we have each other.

And this awesome new clip from the aszmatic bag nibbler.

Dude, I don't think I'm in the mood to watch it. Just watch it.

Barack Hussein Obama. Now we're going to have that for President [music]

DJ the pro

[music]

DJ the pro

[music]

The fro chirp.

[music]