01x04 - Malibu

[bunniefuu]

if that rap guy tells me to wave my hands in the air like i just don't care one more time quit telling us we're doing it sammy

what do you do what are you wearing just a little ensem i picked up at the little outlet designer duds for bargain prices for the

smart shopper dad i think you're supposed to keep that quiet not brag to people about it i can't help it jamie see this tie ralph

lauren regularly eighty dollars little tomato stain you can barely see it three bucks eyesight drawstring pants small ripping

the seam easy fix little blood on the leg four bucks blood on the leg how do they get jamie mine is not to question why it's a

little outlet i buy and fly if i want a tough stain out i'll shout it out if that doesn't work i'll turn it inside

out yeah what if that doesn't work then i'll do what i do when you're not

looking wear your stuff

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low five

low five

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and action oh ryan those naked pictures of me on your hard drive really were from a computer virus

you are g*y after all duh then everything's back to exactly normal again

i want to stay like this forever me too and cat and that's a wrap hey have a

nice break everyone that asked grab was not in the script last minute rewrite you're a last-minute rewrite you know i'm really gonna miss this

whole tracy hepburn-esque banter that we share oh i read books i read books

criminy thank god the season's over hey everything taken care of i picked up the keys this morning and no one knows about it it's rented under my

name and the phone's unlisted you're free alone and in deep cover in malibu for a whole month what did you tell sam and my brothers that you're doing a steven seagal movie

with rosie perez in bombay ooh there's no way that could actually happen right not on my

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ugh i feel watch already james blake welcome to your vacation

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hey buddy you made it i'm inventing my own blender drinks look at me i call this one her permission because after she drinks one of these

you'll have it low five yes gary i locked the front door yes i know but did you hear it click

touching me get away dad greg won't stay on his side hey somebody grab me another turkey prank

for jamie how could you have let this happen james i swear i didn't tell a soul hey come on buddy with the police

scanner there's no such thing as a secure cell phone where would you get a sh tom and nicole are having another brawl

refresh me i came here to relax right okay look jamie i know that you're

you're hurt and and embarrassed over this whole steven seagal fiasco but let's not panic okay we've we've just got to keep reminding

ourselves that you're very talented even though apparently nobody wants to work with you mark there never was a movie

okay okay let's not freak out here i'm not freaking out jamie jamie i know you and i know this is how you get when you're freaking out

okay let's look at the good news here we are in malibu and i will get another movie for you in two shakes of a lamb's tail i don't want another movie

oh god here she comes here comes lady freakout oh why do i hate all these people

ooh la la

hey jamie i borrowed your wetsuit you are supposed to pee in these things to warm them up right not now sammy too late

damn you see wily the earliest known kites were invented in cho dynasty china ah yes china i'll bet there are billions

and billions of children to play with there ah buddy i want you to think of me as a really big kid okay

okay so what we're doing here is oh oh hi mommy emily

hi honey are you insane what oh oh the suit you think it's too much no it's great in fact why not just take it off i mean

why bother wearing anything at all i won't have you parading around in that thing you take it off this second or i'll take

it off for you ooh you're not even man enough to try you [ __ ] what did you just call me [ __ ] louder

okay look at all the foam you get with the simple addition of bleach hey which do you think is further away from here maui or kauai

i suppose kawaii is slightly further book it but you can't just roger

ooh dog lady

sorry hey don't worry about it it was an accident i believe there are no such things as accidents yeah i should introduce you to

my brother todd whoa what's your name buddy oh it's michael and that's sonny that's connie that's

veto and that's fredo you named your dogs after the characters and the godfather just for today i don't want to pigeonhole them with one

name for the rest of their lives when they find one they like they'll let me know this is me i'm james cleo thanks for walking me

home yeah i'll see you around james i'm around now

so james is there anything real in your life i have a father but he's not a real father so that doesn't count

o the bitterness is real here i have something for you close your eyes taste this i don't even know you and you're sticking things in

my mouth oh god i sound like one of sammy's dates here see you can trust someone and not get

hurt let's try it again emily try this i named it after you

it's called the a*s flasher mmm yum yummy gary i think we should check on that thing

uh you know in our room again what day is it okay your limo is waiting outside it'll take you to lax where you're booked on a

direct flight hey are you okay yeah yeah cancel it

i think i'm gonna like it here

this will draw the negative energy from your fourth meridian so what's going to draw the negative energy from this meridian

well it's highly unorthodox but hello anybody is there any more bottled

water gary needs fluids oh cathy cathy gary wanted me to ask you for a favor oh oh emily you're a very attractive

woman and it's not that i'm not flattered no no no no no no no no not that what i meant was would you mind watching wiley this weekend

he's made some new friends who invited him to a birthday party and i don't want to miss hayley's comment do you know what i'm saying sure knock yourself out does that make

me a bad parent oh what the hell

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[Applause]

jamie you gotta taste this it's gonna make me a fortune what's this one called sammy's never-ending free ride

never ending offer accepted dad it's a beautiful day out way too nice to sit in here getting hammered why don't you go out and enjoy the beach

come on it'll do you good go my my car children

hey what are you wet stinky mud oh i'm so sorry yeah well hey

accidents will happen i always say okay pay attention number one don't embarrass me you're only here because you begged

number two no sugar it makes you unbearable fine whose house is this again shares oh it's so hard to see her get

old between you and me she's had some work done very very subtle look closely

ah that ought to top me off uh yeah so give it here gary you know who is wearing you know what again

well break time's over wow look at this guy i guess this place

is doing everybody some good could a low five be an order hehehe both hands well now slim shady i do believe i owe

you a debt of gratitude for helping me find a little female companionship yeah i met someone too and she was amazing you first

no you ignorance before blizzy okay for the first time since i moved to la i had a real conversation with a real woman

i mean a real woman she's never heard of hey rebecca or [ __ ] man or any of my stupid stuff and you still got some now you're

freaking sammy style i love it no it's not like that have you ever kissed a woman but somehow it felt more satisfying than if you actually had sex

with her so crazy someplace else jamie i'm all stocked up here so tell me about this girl you met do i know her parents as a

matter of fact lee she's a little long in a tooth by sammy standards but she feels young she's got a set of buns that would put

the olson twins to shame okay shut up i'm late anyway laugh a minute yeah i should probably rest up for my

own date gary honey toss me my bathing suit where'd you put it i hung it out on the terrace to dry i

don't see it what oh no okay don't panic it's got to be here

i think we lost it and kathy this muffin tastes funny

let me see there's seaweed in it look at what they're serving these kids caviar salt water eel gluten-free

gummy bears these are not children's party snacks once again you're missing the big picture here kathy don't you realize

that jim carrey's kid actually talks to jim carrey this is a boon kathy a boon can i have some punch please

sure cutie oh what the hell is this wheatgrass excuse me would you happen to know if your daddy wants to get into the james

blake business i don't know well i have a card here i'm going to slip this into the pocket of those

very stylish overalls and all you need to do is give it to him when he gets home can you do that good boy you go play

oh has anybody ever told you you look like a very young to me more that's my mommy oh like sh**ting fish in a barrel

a barrel oh darn it here use mine

hello hello is this lady freak out no mark well thank god she's gone listen i'm calling to tell you that i just

pitched a movie idea for you and demi moore and she loved it you're with demi moore well uh her daughter but she actually has some very smart ideas

now she says she wants more candy and toys in it honey you gotta try this i call it peanut butter legs because after you

drink it they'll be easy to oh my god hey buddy what what's wrong hang on i'm freaking out okay okay forget the candy and toys

hello

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james are you all right i don't get it essence of butterfly pupil usually snaps them right out of it

what a coincidence that's the main ingredient of my new c*ck the slow gin fist

ugh it's not a dream this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me what about the time i spilled my white russian on your stamp collection

this is worse well what about the time i crashed your car no this is worse hmm what about the time i abandoned your mother and your kids

and never what is wrong with you hey i'm just trying to get a barometer on this thing buddy you of all people should never joke about walking out on the family what you did was just plain

wrong in whose eyes gods who else this is truly one of the more intriguing father-son relationships i've witnessed

i was born a parent but james is really the father in this relationship isn't he only in the narrow sense that i feed clothes shelter and discipline him and

despite his age sammy continues to behave like a mischievous child put a lid on it granny there's too much negative energy in this room who asked

you i'm taking the dogs out for a walk rhett scarlett ashley

ah this whole thing brings up so many issues for me like what like my first junior high dance oh i remember that

i stood behind the bleachers and watched to just slow dance with a girl a foot taller than you ah just one of the many bittersweet

moments in the life of a caring parent uh i remember it a little differently

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tell me

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me

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that party was dead till i got there everybody said so you know dad i've been thinking about it

you and cleo obviously have a lot in common i don't want to stand in your way go out with her with my blessing you're just saying that despairing old

man's feelings i know when to hold him and i know when to fold him she's all yours pal well maybe it's better for our relationship if we just

forget about her forget about who i see i forget already i understand that

k*lling

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well looky here dad i don't know what came over me a moment of weakness that's all nothing more i was lucky you were here to save

me for myself i swear it won't happen again that goes double for me hey are you the lady with the candy shh

i can only give you one each giddyup little girl excuse me little heavyset girl i just want to tell you i i really

loved your daddy's last movie you're a stupid head my daddy's an orthodontist ow oh

is this ever gonna end you know i've been to raves that didn't go on this long oh look at these kids no hooky pokey no pin the tail on the donkey

nobody's having any fun and kathy can i get cold and hydrotherapy for my birthday too that's it change of plans these kids are

going to have fun if i have to cram it down their throats

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i thought you were playing cards at larry hagman not since it went byob and what happened all those scripts you

had to catch up on and read um paper cut you're taking wiley to t-ball wednesday

right why can't you do it i've got a meeting fine gary get that could you

it's not like i'm busy earning a living over emily come over here you have to see

this yeah i'm sure it's a huge spider no i think you're gonna want to see this is that i think so should i pick it up

oh i don't think we need it but you're gonna wear it right oh yeah one two three you're too old for

you bore the crap out of her how does it feel getting an allowance from your kid this clio thing isn't fooling anybody nancy boy

ah my ned say you're sorry say it jamie

jamie oh my god oh god i'm so sorry are you all right dad i can tell by your sleeper hold that our cleo means a lot

to you but i'm just getting warmed up oh spirit loving [ __ ] look out huh

look at us how do we let this get so far out of hand well i've been drinking all day i don't know what your excuses we gotta tell claire that she has to

choose between us you might be right there boy i'll go break the news to her be back in the flesh we'll both go

hey if you're such a great agent how can we only have one client oh good question listen my motto is and

always has been do one thing and do that one thing well you can't get anybody else to sign with you can you

no who wants ice cream

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that cleo is one intuitive little cookie what do you mean you know that stuff she said about you being more the father figure in our relationship

that's just occurring to you now well it got me thinking maybe i should behave a little more responsibly more thoughtful of how my actions may

affect others yeah come to think of it what she said kind of struck a chord in me as well maybe i ought to loosen up a little live for the moment every now and then

she's quite a lady yeah i guess she is

cleo are you okay boys have you made your decision have you worked things out come on charlene we're going back to your safe

place sorry if she caused you any problems what's going on well this is sean penn's place last year she broke into james cameron's house a year before that

nicholas cages i'm having her do my oscar pool this year if sean penn thinks it's a big deal that i'm in his house when he's not even

using it then it really is more his problem than mine don't you think low five oh hit her with the happy frank

did she ever force feed you a peach what a loon that thing i said about behaving more responsibly

your honor i was under the influence of a maniac at least that explains how she could be so nuts about you me she was crazy for you jamie no no

she was drooling over sammy ah this is true don't worry there'll be other ladies remember we still got days left on

the lease right phil god i miss work