02x02 - Big Pharma

[bunniefuu]

We interrupt tonight's program to bring

you an important message from the White

House. Hillary Clinton ran into some

trouble when she doctored a photo of

Barack to make him look more black.

Here's the photo from Barack's website

and this ones from Hillarys website.

Nope, can't tell the difference. All I

know is that Slimfast didn't do a thing

for that guy.



Tonight's episode Shark Week.

Come on g*ng, let's do this.

Good stuff. Hey kids, I'm Douglas

Saul, president of Drugs All. Welcome

to the Drugs All Book Fair.

But where are all the books? We replace

them with pills. Then what will we read?

Well, you can read the fun names of

these pills, like thyroxamine. Well that

sounds like a Doctor Seuss word. Sure,

pills are fun. One pill, 2 pill, red

pill, blue pill. Wow, he arrived. I guess

pills can be fun. Damn straight. Now step

inside and we'll run a whole series of

scientific like tests to help find out

everything that's wrong with you. Thanks,

Mr. Comfortably Numbered.

OK, let's give you some tests to find out

your problems. The bad news? Lab coat. I

ain't got no problems. This guys a clean

slate. Symptoms of megalomania. Can you

tell me what you're feeling right now?

Sure. Hey, boss, what do I feel?

Sad and a little itchy. I'm feeling sad

and a little itchy. Well, hey Doc,

what are those crazy pictures of all my

hopes and fears? Those are ink blots. No,

they're not. That's a hot dog.

That's Aquaman.

Marmaduke hot dog hot dog

me me on a hot

dog Aqua dog.

What's wrong, dear? You barely touched

your afternoon saltines. Well, I've been

trying for three months and I still can't

grow any facial hair. Trust me, it's not

that great. I just wanted some beard

ability for my upcoming speech. And I'll

show the nation that the State of the

Union is rugged and manly. Well, I'm sure

there's a pill for that. I'll add it to

my pill flicks queue. Thanks, bar. Well,

it would be nice for you to have facial

hair. After all, our 34th anniversary is

coming up, and you know what Emily Post

says The traditional gift for. That is

silver, no mustache rides Jesus age

Christmas bar. Can we please discuss

which parts of me you will or

won't be riding when the Mexican

ambassador isn't in the room?

Grande Mustachio.

Pam Moran, Just say yes. Ramara. I got



got 2. But one of them is fatal

if taken in high doses. That's nothing. I

hit the jackpot. I got pills for

attention deficit disorder, ego

stabilization, complete reality

detachment, allergy to pretzels,

propensity for oil dependence,

mispronunciational syndrome, fo Tuang and

three ba*ls. All right, let's take

our celebration pills.

Wow, no.

Friday, Mara.

Sir, you've got about 10 minutes before

the State of the Union address. Gilbert

Godfrey is out there warming up Congress

for you. Great. Let me check out the old

beer. It's coming along. Well, I'll be

fudged in the Apple box. These pills are

really working. I'm hairier than a can of

Coke and Clarence Thomas's office.

Is accomplished. Good work, Cheney. Now

if you could water the hydrant,

something's wrong. My my lap area is

all it's all pointy and rigid.

Oh God, I think I dislocated my p*nis.

Oh Sir, these beard oxidal

pills are pure testosterone. It

says here that the side

effects could include priapism, prolonged

directions, awesome boners, **** ***

woodies, stiffies, clam hammers. Good

one. How about stuffed gypsy

sausage?Gross cod. We're

talking about a man's p*nis here. All

right, knock it off. This is serious.

Now, what are we going to do about

my George Herbert Weiner? It's a good

crowd, Mr. President. I got them all

warmed up for you. Whoa. Take a look

at that stuffed gypsy sausage. This guy

cracks me up. Nice one, Gilbert.

Comedians. Comedian Rarara. Ladies and

gentlemen, the President of the United

States. Oh geez, I can't go out there

like this. Oh, come on, guys, we got to

think of something.

La La la love La La la. Well, looks

like little Cheneys pills are kicking in.

Yeah, great observation card La La la

cuddle party La La la Oh God, what did

you have for lunch and ask Sandwich a

good thing Card. I like the *** part best

and the sandwich part second best. Have

you ever thought about how sandwiches are

kind of like people? All the good. Stuffs

inside, but there's a layer around it to

keep it safe. Is that the pills Talking?

Maybe. Or maybe I just woke up. More

in touch with the universe than any man

has ever been before. It's the pills.

Yeah, pills. Very decisive. Boss. What's

wrong with you? You're acting like an A

hole. Wow. Cod. I thought you had a

crush on little George. Him. I haven't

seen a Bush that ugly since I saw

Ruth Bader Ginsburg peeing in the woods.

You go, girl. What the hell is wrong with

you losers? Rummy's talking like Oprah,

Gump, Cheney's more touchy feely than

little Bill Clinton, and George is just

as stupid. Yes man, Yes, you're right,

Con. At least those

******* pills haven't changed me.

My fellow Americans, the state of our

union is good. The economy is strong,

engorged with life, with huge veins of

new capital flowing through its rigid

surface. Our military is equally ready

for hard action with our new, extra

long submarines packed with semen.

Oh man, what an awful speech to give

right now. Mr. President, can you go to

the congressional chalkboard and explain

your new economic program?

Oh, geez. I'd say I'd rather not. You

must explain your policy. What is it that

you're hiding from the American people?

Well, I see. I.

OK.

I haven't seen presidential wood like

that since George Washington's teeth. I

didn't know we were having a midterm

erection. Hey, look at that guys boater.

Shut up now. You shut up. Stop laughing

at me. It's not funny.

The show will be right back after these

commercials. Side effects include

happiness, laughter, having a great time

and loose stool.

This homework train has made its final

stop. Little George. I'm done doing your

***** work. No problemo card. In fact,

I'll do yours. What is the capital

of Kansas? A Lincoln. Yes. B Albany.

Yeah, that one sounds right. C Topeka.

Check. Like a pudding or day. All

the above. That sounds right, too. I'll

just circle the whole thing.

I'll do my own homework, you ********

chimp, little condi inside voice.

Well, I finished my diorama for history

class. That has nothing

in it or does it have everything in it?

That makes no sense. Or does it make

every sense? Well say I agree. I agree

with both here.

La La la Roland, La La.

My God, I need a ******* smoke. Little

Condoleezza Rice. We do not speak like

that in the library. God, I need a

******* smoke. Thank you.

We're all interconnected beings, so when

you light up a cigarette, you're

hurting all of us.

I'll show you hurting.

La La la Burning Man La La la.

Watch it freak.

Not cool.

You guys are all fine. Good idea.

Hey, hey, knock it off, idiot. Idiot. La

La, la hugs. La, la, la. That's it.

You 4 just bought yourselves an afternoon

of cleaning the school bathrooms. Nuts.

Yeah, nuts.

Hey little Al can't talk now I'm turdly.

Man, I don't understand. I never used to

get the attention. I used to get out of

it with smile and charm. I call it smarm.

It does seem like something's out of

alignment in the universe, not in here.

Things are lining up just right.

Can't believe we have to clean up after

that fat bag of greenhouse gas. And on

sloppy Joe day I saw him put away six of

the damn things. I wanted to clean up

someone else's crap all day. I would have

been a ******* press secretary. I mean,

look at us, how do we think so low? It's

these pills, man. They're turning us into

different people, man. You guys are

right. And I'm sick of a great with you.

I'm the one who's always supposed to be

right. You know, an excellent way to

conserve water is to save up all your BM

for one big weekly dump.

We got to get off these pills fast and

get our lives back. Yeah, I'm in La, La,

La. Those things are pretty dense. You

may want to let them break down for a

while before you attempt to flush them.

Flush them. That's what we got to do with

our pills. Come on, g*ng.

Now that's going to be 1 healthy toilet.

Man, those things were

dance woo.

There, it's there are you all cried out.

It was awful. Everyone in Congress was

laughing at me. And now they rescheduled

my State of the Union for tomorrow night.

How could I ever show my face there

again? Listen, Mr. you're the President

of the United States, and the people

elected you the way you are, till death

do you part. I guess you're

right. Yes, George. In fact, there's

nothing wrong with boners. There isn't.

When those brave Americans stormed the

beaches at Normandy, do you really think

not one of them had a hard on? Oh,

yeah, I never thought about that. And

when those astronauts first stepped onto

the moon, it's a fact that they turned

that thing into a sausage factory. Yeah,

those were real heroes. And when that

brave bus driver sent Rosa Parks to the

back of that bus, he had a b*ner, too.

They both did. Well, you're right bar. I

mean even Lincoln gave the entire

Gettysburg Address with his honest AVEs

and some Indians mouth. Your b*ner is now

part of the rich tapestry of American

history. Thanks bar. Now excuse me, me

and my little buddy here have a State of

the Union address to give.

This guy again.

I have my pill.

Japan Trainspotting parody.

Hi there, Condi, your bills are

down there.

I'm made of corn and almonds.

Man, it's good to be off those pills. I

can't believe I was listening to people

and agreeing with them. Around feeding

time around. Wow.

Best part of waking up? Well, looks like

little Chinese. Back to normal. How you

feeling? A little rummy? I don't know,

boss. How am I feeling?Question answered.

Well, thank God you're here, Con. I

didn't finish my math homework. She'll

get fractionalizing. Here's your math

screw plus you equals suck it.

You're still on your pills, but

you flushed them. Yeah. Yeah, I

did. The thing is, look, get

off my case. Jerks. Monkey on

her back. Yeah, she's hooked. She's

a stone cold junkie.

All right, we got to get her off these

pills or else my homework is never

getting done. Come on, Con, you're going

cold Turkey. I don't want to

go to rehab, right? Yes, yes, yes.

Well, don't worry, God, they say after

the first week it's smooth sailing. How

long has it been the three minutes? Give

me the pills.

God, there is no way you're going to get

these pills.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's good. Oh, yeah,

that's they'll come to Mama. Oh, that's

an eraser. Scared straight. Good idea,

little Cardi. Look in this mirror and see

what you've become.

I'm a mess. Damn it you pack of *******

ain't no health. We need to go down to

drugs all and find that pill pushing

******** who got me hooked on these

things in the 1st place. I make the

plans, So what?Is your

plan Einstein? We're gonna go to

drugstore and find that pill pushing

********. Prescription for

him my boots they can restfully.

Hi kids. Welcome to Drugs All. How can I

medicate you today? Listen, punk, we want

to see the head of Drugs All and we

want to see him now. Jerk. Oh, I'm sorry.

He's totally booked. We have to see him

now. His pills are turning us into

********. Specifically. I don't know, he

really is booked. Oh, come on, guys. I

mean, we got to do this for Con. Look

at her. She's a mess. She's pummeling

that dude. Oh God, my beautiful face.

Come on guy, let's go get the old condi

back.

I.

This supposed to be where they get the

pills ready for Canada.

It's her, Sir. Those are the

troublemakers I was telling you about.

Just relax, Scott. These white pills

should help with your anxiety, and these

blue ones will make you forget all about

any kind of workers comp lawsuit. You're

the best, Sir. Now what can we help you

with?We want to get

off these ******* pills that you got us

hooked on. We're not throwing away our

childhoods so you can be some big fat

cat in your big fat cat office sitting

behind your big fat cat desk. Or you

forgot one very important thing, my fat

cat executive toy. Well played,

Sir. Yeah, you say that even when I take

a dump. Well, they're impressive turds,

Sir. I know that. That's why I keep

calling you in. Look, you start inventing

diseases and over medicating kids isn't

helping people. It's just helping your

bottom line. I know you're a little

strung out right now. You're having some

side effects, but not all side effects

are bad. And what are you talking about,

Pilly? What if I told you that some of

the side effects, drugs, all causes are

freedom, liberty, democracy and the

pursuit. Sweet cash money. I don't know,

it all sounds like good stuff. Look,

don't take it from me. Take it from

this marketing video narrated by me.

America, the greatest country in the

world, and drugs all, keeps it healthy.

How, I'm glad you may have asked. During

lunch hours at hospitals all across this

great land, drugs all specialists are

hard at work delivering your doctor's

free pens. And post its.

And **** ****.

In return, your doctor makes sure only to

prescribe the very finest pills on the

market today. Drugs all. Once you pay for

those pills, we collect the money and use

it to make America healthier. Sure, some

of the money goes to executive desk toys

and other executive perks. But

most of those dollars go into electing

the best congressman, senators and

presidents money can buy. They in turn

make sure our latest and greatest pills

get to the market. No matter

how many flipper babies they allegedly

cause. No, hey champ, so now you have

plenty of new pills to buy and the

cycle begins again. So remember, when you

use drugs, all drugs, you're not just

medicating yourself, you're medicating

democracy.

So what do you think? Are we going to get

some free pans? No, the point is if

everyone starts going off their pills,

your parents will lose their jobs and

when we go to the freak show, there will

be no more flipper babies to throw

popcorn at. Exactly. But how can I keep

my pot from losing this job but not

taking any more pills? Little George just

gave me a great idea. Instead of not

taking any more pills, what if you took

many more pills? That sounds like the

opposite of what we want to do. Hear me

out if you guys will agree to stay on

your. Prescriptions that I'll give you a

new prescription that will counteract the

old one. So we'll be taking twice the

pills and be back to normal and you'll be

making twice as much money to make

democracy healthy, right? This is a cause

for celebration pills.

Hooray.

Well, it was quite a wig g*ng. We really

learned some free pens. Pill

time.

Oh little George, it sure is nice to be

back to normal. Shut it con my pops onTV.

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of

the United States, my fellow Americans,

yesterday I left you nearly in tears, but

today I'm I'm here to tell you that

the State of the Union and your commander

in chief is hard as hell.

We're going to use this

machine to test your anger

levels. Try to think of

something that makes you angry.

Fresh baked cookies. Diets rare around

Dakota Fanning rare around Mother's love

from around.

I don't understand. I hadn't even turned

it on yet.

Hey little Al can't talk now. I'm

totally.