07x14 - 'Twas the Fight Before Christmas

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Crashing through the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls like Ping-Pong ba*ls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house, in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push, and shove ♪

♪ That's how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house, in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

- ♪ Wouldn't trade it for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud, Loud, Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

[energetic banjo music]

♪ ♪

- And we are live in three, two...

- I'm Rusty Spokes,

Royal Woods' favorite middle-school newscaster,

coming to you live.

Chef Pat is about to unveil a cake

for our school mascot and birthday boy,

Crikey the kangaroo.

[bright fanfare] Is that buttercream frosting?

[slurps] Mmm, my favorite!

[groans]

- Should I cut the feed?

- Liam, you gotta stall.

- Uh, I don't know, y'all.

I ain't got Rusty's kind of screen presence.

- Get in front of the camera. - We need you.

- Uh, uh. [squeaks]

Howdy.

Uh, filling in for a currently indisposed Rusty Spokes--

- It was only one bite.

[blows landing] Aah!

[thunderous crash]

Um, I'm Liam Hunnicutt.

And, uh... look what we just found

in the Hunnicutt Farm potato field.

Ain't he the spitting image of Abe Lincoln?

Four score and seven spuds ago.

I'm Liam Hunnic-- - You can't wrap.

We still have / minutes.

- Well, here I am brushing the mats out

of our mule, Daisy's, tail.

Whoa!

[laughs] Yeah.

Oh, uh, here's Mee-Maw giving Virginia

a literal piggyback ride.

Just another Thursday round the farm.

- We still have time. Keep going!

- Oh. Oh, wait.

I'm being told I still have a minute.

Um, uh, have you ever seen a donkey go berserk

in a cabbage patch?

[chuckles]

[bell rings]

Hey, y'all.

I'm sorry that yesterday's segment

weren't all that and a bunch of oats.

- It's okay, dawg.

We can't all have this kind of charisma.

Uh-oh, another dizzy spell.

[groans]

- Just a couple more steps, and--

- Whoa! [groans]

- Whoa, what's all of this mail?

- I bet it's our fans worrying about me.

"Dear Liam."

That's a weird way of spelling Rusty.

- No, it's not for you. It's all fan mail for Liam.

They love you and think farm life is fascinating.

- Really? Well, shucks. That's mighty nice.

- Hey, maybe you should do a full segment about the farm.

- Oh, that's swell of you to say,

but I'm more of a workhorse than a show pony.

- You should try it.

Besides, Rusty needs time to recover.

- I don't need time.

I'll be fine as soon as this room stops spinning.

Ugh.

- Well, all right.

Maybe just this once.

Welcome, y'all, I start every morn'

with a farm-to-farm breakfast.

- Hoo-ee, gotta stop taking naps in the tractor.

My dang leg fell asleep again.

Whoa!

Oh, heck. Oh, Liam!

You didn't tell me you were making a movie picture.

And here I am with no wig.

Have some grits, Liam.

Uh, bad Virginia.

Not when the cameras are rolling.

- It's a slop party, y'all.

[gobbling]

[light country music]

After breakfast, I like to take a quick dip

in the old mudhole.

[grunts]

- [squeals] - Oh!

♪ ♪

And here's our youngest foal learning to walk.

- Come on, Sugar Cube.

Do just like your Mee-Maw. Oh!

♪ ♪

- And that's all the news that makes the Hunni-cut.

This is Liam signing off. Bye now.

[bell rings]

Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. - Hey, Liam.

- Farm life is so cool.

- Aww, Sugar Cube's adorable.

- "Have some grits, Liam." Ha!

You the man!

- Congrats, buddy. You're a star.

- [scoffs] You've seen one farm, you've seen them all.

But do you remember when I won Royal Woods'

Middle-School Reporter of the Year?

- Rusty, that's an award you made up

and gave to yourself.

- So when's the next episode of the "Farm Show" going to air?

- Yeah, we want more. - Too bad.

That segment was a one-off.

Liam doesn't like being on camera.

all: Aww.

- Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa there.

I don't wanna disappoint anybody.

If y'all like the farm so much,

I guess I don't mind showing 'er off a bit more.

[all cheer] - [growls]

- Watch me tame this here bucking bronco.

- [whinnies]

- [grunts]

[chuckles sheepishly]

[lively banjo music]

♪ ♪

Oh!

♪ ♪

Dang, girl, this look is baa-aa-aad to the bone.

- It's Liam!

[cheering, laughter]

- And here's how we make

our famous Hunnicutt boysenberry jam.

- [grunts]

- [gasps] Virginia, no!

[laughter]

Have some grits, am I right?

So, for the next "Life with Liam"--

that's what I'm calling the show now--

I'm gonna film Virginia's annual mudslide

down Hunnicutt Hill.

all: Hmm.

- You all look more nervous than a sow at a barbecue.

Uh, what's going on? - Oh boy.

We have some bad news.

- Turns out your show is old news.

- What do you mean? Everyone's watching it. Look!

- Aw! [both laugh]

- No, they're watching this.

Everyone's obsessed with Crikey and Chef Pat's new videos now.

They call themselves the Beef Boxers.

- What? - Sorry, dawg.

Fame is fickle, except for the Rust Man.

He's timeless. - Wait.

But I was just getting started.

- Hey, look on the bright side.

You had a good run, buddy.

- Hmm, I'll just have to out-beef them beef boxers.

[sheep bleating]

Welcome to another installment of "Life with Liam."

Today, we're taking a tour of the stables.

[horse whinnying]

Oh, no! Stampede!

And cut.

Great job, everyone.

Those acting lessons are paying for themselves.

Carol Anne, did you catch that all on the Goat-Pro?

- [bleats]

- Y'all are in luck, cause it's harvesting time.

[gasps] [dramatic beat]

Aah! Giant mutated pumpkin!

- [screeches] - Oh, it's after me!

Aah! Oof.

And cut!

- [squawks]

- Take a gander at this.

- [squeals]

- That's what happens when a mama pig

craves chicken feed while she's pregnant.

It's the world's first pig-hen.

Once the school sees all this,

Crikey will be old news.

- [bleats]

[bright music]

- Liam! [all cheer]

- Oh, could you believe that?

- That was so cool. - That pig-hen was sick.

- You rock, Liam.

- You did it again, Liam.

- Yeah, the Beef Boxers are dunzo.

Everyone's talking about your zombie pumpkin now.

- I don't know about everybody.

- The farm never fails to deliver.

- And it's a good thing, too,

because everyone wants to see what's going to happen next.

- Happen next? Uh. [chuckles]

Well, not a problem,

because there is never a dull day on Hunnicutt Farms.

All right, folks, this runaway tractor segment

is gonna make me a legend.

And all the supporting cast too.

I'll get the tractor to start rolling down the hill,

over that ramp, and towards the pond.

But right before it hits the water,

I'll signal Virginia to throw me the lasso.

Then I'll mount Barb, and we'll speed off

and lasso the tractor before it crashes.

Everyone got it?

Great, let's roll.

Welcome back, Kangaroos,

to another segment of "Life with Liam."

Today, I'm showing you the family tractor.

[exaggeratedly] Oh, no!

I best go stop it.

Virginia, where's my lasso?

- [sniffs]

- Virginia, what are you doing?

[gasps] - What in tarnation?

Oh! Aah!

- Great gizzards.

Mee-Maw must have slept in the tractor again.

I gotta save her!

- [wails]

- Come on, Barb, ride like your hide depends on it, hyah!

- [screams] - Mee-Maw, you need to jump!

I'll catch ya!

- I'm a-scared! [gasps]

- Hurry!

[both grunt]

♪ ♪

Are you all right, Mee-Maw?

- What the heck happened?

- [sighs] I was trying to sh**t another segment for the show,

but things got a little out of control.

- Well, I was almost a goner there,

and you'll be doing extra chores for two years!

But I guess you got yourself one heck of a segment.

- Finally!

Your fans are waiting for you.

- I don't know how you're gonna top

a half pig, half chicken, though.

- [gasps]

- Uh, is something else going to happen?

- Nope, truth is,

this is what life is actually like on the farm.

It may get the views, it may not,

but I ain't part of that rat race no more.

- That video's worse than dead air, dawg.

Good thing my bandages are off, so I can save the day!

Come on, Zach.

Let's go give the people what they really want.

Uh, ooh, ah.

[winces] - [growls]

- Oh, no. Aah! Not the face!

That's my moneymaker!

Aah!

[laughter]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- Tensions are running high tonight, folks!

The Meat Mountain and the Hungry Hungry Herbivore

are locked in a tight match!

Ooh, the Meat Mountain has the Herbivore

in the classic five-fingered hand crunch.

- Crush his bones!

Man, I love sitting ringside.

You can, like, almost taste the sweat.

- [groans]

- And... I'm gonna go get new nachos.

- [grunts] - [gasps]

- Nacho?

- Wait a minute, what's the Meat Mountain doing now?

- Who wants a piece of meat?

[crickets chirping]

[clucks]

Oh, an arena full of chickens, huh?

- No one calls me a chicken, ya turkey.

[tense music]

- Hey, kid, I don't want you to get hurt.

Why don't you scram?

- [grunts] - Whoa!

- Yah!

Meat Mountain?

More like a meat loaf, chump.

Ha. [cheers and applause]

- Oh, the Meat Mountain has been reduced to rubble

in an avalanche of pain!

- Hey kid, wait up! I'm dying to ask--

how in the world did you ever pick up the Mountain?

- Ha, the three C's of powerlifting baby:

confidence, calves, and quads.

- Uh, quads starts with a--whoa!

Whatever you want it to start with.

I'm Bella Big Bucks, the top promoter

for Motor City Wrestling.

- Lynn Loud.

- Look, we both know pro wrestling is staged,

but your athleticism and strength would be

big-time assets in my ring.

How would you like to be my next star wrestler?

- For real? That would be amazing!

- Great!

Let's talk about your character.

Who does Lynn Loud want to be in the ring?

- Hmm.

- Let's see what we've got to work with.

[gags, coughs]

Okay. A lot of smells.

But not a lot of variety.

- Couldn't help but overhear you talking fashion!

[both gasp] 'Cause I can help.

- No offense, Leni,

but we're not putting together prom outfits.

This is wrestling!

- Um, I love wrestling.

Did you guys watch that Rage in a Cage tag team match

last week, where one of the Python Boys turned

on his own partner

by putting him in a cold-blooded clutch?

I just get so into the storylines.

[laughs] It's like a big sweaty soap opera.

Makeover time!

What do you think?

[light elevator music]

- [straining]

Too spiky.

[both suck teeth]

Not gonna happen.

No way.

Who wears this?

Look, guys, this isn't working.

None of these feel-- I don't know, authentic.

- Hmm, maybe we need to dig a little deeper.

Like, my fave wrestler, Pixie Cutz,

used to be an actual hair stylist.

Her character feels supes authentic.

- Yeah, what is Lynn Loud really passionate about?

- Huh.

[gasps] Wait, I've got it.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

You've met Lynn Loud, hall monitor.

Now meet the Brawl Monitor!

- Oh, yeah!

- The Brawl Monitor!

It's hip. It's fresh. I love it! Okay, kid.

Now I see the Brawl Monitor as a hero type,

so I'm gonna put you up against a bunch of baddies.

You'll whoop 'em good, and the fans will love it!

You ready to become a star?

- Let's rumble!

[whistle blows]

[bell dings]

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

One hall pass to Loser-ville.

Huh? [bowtie honks]

♪ ♪

- And it looks like Creeps the Clown

won't be haunting anyone's dreams tonight!

- One hall pass to Loser-ville.

[cheers and applause]

- Looks like the Cat Burglar's

about to use up her ninth life!

Me-ow.

- Aah! - That's one hall pass to--

all: Loser-ville! - Aah!

♪ ♪

- There you go.

There you go.

- Good news, kid!

I've lined up your next match, and it's big.

You're gonna tangle with one of our top wrestlers,

Tippy the Cow!

- [moos]

She moonlights in the ring during Dairyland's slow season.

- I'm gonna smoke that bag of brisket!

- No, you're not.

Brawl Monitor beats up on bad guys,

but Tippy is a fan favorite.

You gotta let her win.

- But-- - No buts.

If you're gonna be a star in this sport,

you gotta learn to play the game.

- Fine, I'll do it, but I'm not gonna like it.

- She's usually the face of Dairyland,

but tonight, Tippy is the face of udder pain!

- Aah! all: Ooh!

- And it looks like somebody cheddar call an ambulance

for the Brawl Monitor!

[cheering, clamoring]

- Aah!

[panting] Whoa!

Oof.

[laughter]

[growls] Ooh! [moans]

- And it looks like Tippy is really milking this victory!

- That's it.

- [groaning] [crowd gasps]

- I can't believe I'm saying this, folks,

but the Brawl Monitor wins!

[crowd booing]

- Ouch.

Okay, look, I know I beefed it and lost my cool.

But Tippy was-- - Never mind that.

Did you see what happened out there?

- Uh, I saw a lot of angry people giving me

not-so-nice gestures.

- I saw opportunity.

In this business, a good villain can be just

as big as a hero.

New plan: I'm gonna have you beat every good guy,

gal, and Goody Two-shoes in my stable.

We'll turn you into the ultimate wrestling heel!

- But aren't people just going to boo me all the time?

- Oh, definitely.

But you'll be a bigger star than ever!

What do you say, kid?

[soft tense music]

- I'm in!

[hard rock music]

- And the Brawl Monitor bullies the Widdle Baby

into submission with a tickle tornado!

[crowd booing]

♪ ♪

- Aah!

Ouch, looks like the Ice Cream Man

won't be scooping out any joy today.

And it looks like the Brawl Monitor is sending

Sweet Ol' Granny to the retirement home!

[crowd clamoring]

- Yeesh, this is kind of intense.

Are you okay? - Pfft.

This is just part of the game.

And besides, I sold out the arena tonight.

I mean, I don't want to brag, but the Brawl Monitor is huge.

[booing]

Plus, sometimes I get free grub.

- You're the worst!

- Hey, Flip. Let me get a double XL Flippee.

- That'll be big ones.

- bucks? For a Flippee? Since when?

- It's a new bully tax.

Just for you... Brawl Monitor.

- [growls]

[bell rings]

[wincing]

Whoa! Oh!

A little help here, Meryl?

- For the Brawl Monitor?

No way.

- [sighs]

- Wow, even Meryl hates me?

- Exciting, isn't it?

Your match is gonna be televised everywhere.

Even people in Canada are gonna hate you,

and they love everyone!

- Yeah, so I'm not so sure I wanna be the villain anymore.

I thought people loved to hate me,

but now I think they just hate me.

- That's a small price to pay for stardom, kid,

wouldn't you say?

This is what you wanted!

- [sighs]

- Now I've lined up the perfect opponent tonight.

I need you to go out there and pulverize him, 'kay?

- Well, folks, it's time for our main event!

Tonight, the Brawl Monitor squares off

against the one, the only, Santa Claus!

[cheers and applause]

- You got to be kidding me.

- h*, h*, h*! Merry Christmas, everyone!

[chuckling] - I have to throw this match.

[bell dings] [growls]

- h*, h*-- whoa!

Ooh! [crowd boos]

- Put me in a chicken wing!

- h*, h*, no!

Stick to the script!

You're supposed to win.

- But I don't wanna win!

- That's not very holly jolly of you.

[laughs]

[growls] Stop it!

- Aah!

- I didn't even do anything.

- [screams]

- I won't let you throw this match!

♪ ♪

- Wow, it looks like Santa might be delirious

from too much milk and cookies,

because he just missed the Brawl Monitor by a mile!

♪ ♪

- [grunts]

- [groans]

- And it appears that both wrestlers are now--

kicking their own butts?

- Pin me, coward! - Nuh-uh!

I'm not gonna be on Bella's naughty list this year.

- Fine.

♪ ♪

[groans]

- Ooh!

- Santa has pinned the Brawl Monitor!

The winner is Santa Claus! [bell dinging]

[cheers and applause]

- Hey! What was that all about?

Next time you pull a stunt like that--

- There is no next time! I'm out.

I'm done being hated,

and I'm done wearing this stupid singlet.

It's chafe city!

- You'll come crawling back!

Aah! [bell dinging]

- ♪ Cramped inside this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪ - ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪ - ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Laundry piles stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪