06x07 - Comfort and Joy

[bunniefuu]

ON RADIO:
'Ding Dong Merrily On High'

JIMMY HUMS

What's all this?

Oh, are you writing
your great novel?

Not sure I've got one of those
in me.

It's for the Darrowby Nativity play.

Oh, Jim, if you're in need
of the back end of a donkey,

my brother's always available.

Helen's supposed to be organising
it, but she's full of the cold.

I hope she's feeling better
for Christmas Day.

But she's under strict instructions
to stay in bed.

I don't want her worrying.
I told her I can manage.

That's my costume.

And I play an angel
who comes down from... Hebden.

LAUGHTER

From heaven, Jimmy!

You haven't come
from just down the road.

Mrs Hall, there's a highly inventive
recipe here for a "murkey".

Doesn't look half bad.

What's a murkey?
It's a mock turkey.

It's stuffing,
which I know you like,

wrapped in bacon, and then
we all pretend it's a roast.

Are those parsnips for legs?

National shortage of the real bird,
you see.

I've still got a couple of leads.

I've not given up
on finding one yet.

I think we must face facts.

Anything with wings
is long since sold.

I have wings.

And I can't wait
to see them in action, Jimmy.

Yes, the Magi weren't there
at the birth, of course.

And they weren't kings.
Thank you, that's very helpful.

And there's no mention in the Bible
of animals in the stable.

Well, I say stable,
it's more like a family guest room.

It's all down
to a mistranslation of the Greek.

Do you not like Christmas,
Uncle Siegfried?

Are you kidding?
This is him loving Christmas.

Quite right.

And if you don't behave, I'll tell
you how they celebrate in Austria...

IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT: ..Krampus!

SIEGFRIED SNARLS

OWN ACCENT: I'm due at Stokes' Farm.
See you for lunch.

I mean, parsnips... for legs.

Mrs Stokes!

Mrs Stokes, you'll catch your death
out here.

Aye, well, I thought you'd best see
what this daft apeth's been up to.

Oh, are we in trouble again, Hilda?

Well, she got out in the night,

and then, this morning,
I caught her at the house opposite,

chewing on this!

Ah, it's a hazard of Christmas
for goats.

There's laurel in it.

It can be harmful.
Well, I know that.

Do you think I walked down
to the telephone box

for the good of me health?

Luckily, she doesn't seem
to have eaten too much.

No, there's no luck in it,

just me hobbling after her
in the freezing cold.

And I must have just got there
in time -

she'd have gobbled the lot
given half a chance.

Let's take a look at you.
'Ey, you beggar!

HILDA BLEATS
Ha-ha!

At least there's no sign
of lethargy.

There you go.

Abdomen doesn't seem to be
distended.

All right.

HILDA BLEATS
No excess salivation.

I'm sure she's fine.
Oh.

Let's give her a drench,
just to be on the safe side.

Oh, you're gonna give her a drench,
are you?

It's entirely routine, Mrs Stokes.
I think I can manage.

Aye.

Right, let's get you safely shut up
in the barn, shall we?

Come on.
There we are.

In you go.
Come on.

Come on, you daft apeth!
Up.

Yes, the old ways work sometimes.

The tannins in the tea prevent
absorption of the toxins, you see.

Hmm. 'Ey, well,
you'll need more than that in.

I can tell
you don't make the tea so often.

I might normally advise
a rumenotomy.

What, cut her open?

Well, it's the only way
of getting out what she's eaten.

But given her age,
I really wouldn't want

to put her through that
if we can avoid it.

Oh, no,
I don't like the sound of that.

Stick some of that in.
You can't give her brandy.

A little nip. It works wonders.
For you, perhaps. For her, no.

By 'eck, I need it wi' you.

Are you looking forward
to Christmas, Mrs Stokes?

Ah, well, it'll be a farmer's
Christmas - same as any other day.

But I might let the old girl
in the kitchen for a few treats...

if she behaves herself.

That's a big "if", knowing Hilda.
Aye.

What about you?

Well, everybody's home this year.
I'm rather looking forward to it.

Oh, good.

You don't want to be rattling round

that big house on your own again,
do you?

Not if I can help it, no.
Now, you make the most of it.

Cos they won't be there forever,
will they? None of 'em.

Yes, perhaps we'll let it brew
a little longer. Aye.

So, if you hear
of a turkey going spare -

or a goose, or a pigeon, actually -

would you just let me know?

You're entering a team into
the Christmas Eve darts, aren't you?

Well, I'm not a bad shot, but...

The prize is a turkey.
What?

Audrey might not have heard.

How on earth did you find a turkey?

There's a lot of drunken farmers
in this pub

agreeing to things
that they later regret.

Right, well, I'll tell Mrs H.

We've got Charlotte coming to us
for Christmas.

You can't serve murkey
to a Beauvoir.

You bringing her on Christmas Eve,
or are we not fancy enough for you?

Your spit and sawdust
is of the highest quality, Maggie,

but still...

You're meant to be demob-happy.
You can't not come.

It'll be a lively one
with so many back home.

I'll be raising a glass to Arthur.

He loved it, he did, Christmas.

I had to drag him
out of here last time,

still singing, all the way home.

Well, that was Arthur.

Which is why
we're gonna have the biggest tree

with the brightest lights...
MAN: Ta, Maggie.

..and no-one telling us
to cover the windows up.

Mm. Quite so.

When are you dropping the tree off,
by the way?

Sorry?

You said you'd pick one up for me,
didn't you?

With me being run ragged
between here and little Albert.

You've not forgotten?
I want a decent one!

HE SCOFFS

Maggie, I'm not one
of your drunken farmers.

HE SPLUTTERS

How could I possibly have forgotten?

BELL JANGLES

Easy, Hilda. Easy. Easy!

See, that's why I put the brandy in.

HILDA BLEATS
She doesn't fight then.

Hilda...

Hilda...
HE STRAINS

Oh!
SHE SIGHS

Hilda!
Don't just stand there.

Let's not be silly about this.
HILDA BLEATS

Hilda!
HE EXHALES

Come on.

HILDA BLEATS

Yes, I know.
I know he's making a palaver of it.

Hilda! Don't you dare! Oh, heck.

Blimey.
Hilda!

Come back, Hilda!
HILDA BLEATS

Oh, stop fussing. I'm all right.
You're not all right.

You're burning up.

Oh, James.
I feel like a wrung-out dishcloth.

I've not iced Jimmy's cake yet,
there's Christmas wrapping still,

and a list at Heston,
with Dad being in London.

Aye, aye. But I know what you'll do.

You'll get back into that bed...

..leave all this...
to your very capable husband.

What? Hop it!

Right, one last pin.

Jimmy! Jimmy! Change of plan.

You finish the Nativity crowns,
I'll wrap these. Wilco.

Oh, James. Mrs Pumphrey phoned.

She's on her way in to see you.

No... I...
HE GROANS

You know, what you should do...

..is get yourself a nice young lady.

My thoughts always turn to romance
at times like this [!]

I mean, you've still got your looks.

Probably for not much longer,
mind, but...

Thank you, Mrs Stokes.

Now, that'll do it.
OK.

That's it.
Ah.

That should do it, as I say.
Any change, just let me know.

Aye, will do.

"Gather ye rose-buds while ye may,"
Mr Farnon.

Robert Herrick, yes.
Aye.

"And while ye may, go marry,

"for having once
but lost your prime,

"you may forever tarry."

Quite. Any chance of a cup of tea
before I go?

SHE SIGHS
Given it all to the goat.

HE EXHALES,
HILDA BLEATS

HILDA FARTS

Merry bloody Christmas to you too.

Imagine if we won it.

Proper Christmas...
with a proper turkey.

Mm. It's teams of three, Mrs H.

You may need to whip the rest of us
into shape.

Right, the board's coming out.
Let's get practising. Pass me that.

Also, do you know the best place
to buy a Christmas tree?

Well, there could be a couple left
on the Square. Why?

Oh, some drunken idiot was supposed
to get one for The Drovers,

and... he forgot.

Oh, Tristan.

What about darts?
I'll be as quick as I humanly can.

If we lose...
you're getting the parsnip leg!

Oh, my goodness!

WOMAN: Hello, Audrey!
Well, I never. Come in, come in.

It's so very disappointing.

The last little Pekingese
in Keighley was really rather sweet.

They would have made
such handsome puppies.

I'm sorry
you haven't had better news.

Is there really nothing more
you can do to boost his chances?

He's long since had all his checks.

Mr Bolton said that he'd heard
of some injections.

Testosterone. Yes.
So, why haven't we tried them?

Because there can be side effects,
unpleasant ones.

Tricki's given so much.

He's had such a life.

I can't abide the thought
that one day he may be gone,

with nothing to show
that he was ever here.

I'd never forgive myself

if we hadn't explored
every available option.

If it's what you want,
Mrs Pumphrey...

..I could book him in for tomorrow.

Thank you.
Tricki and I can't thank you enough.

Blasted goat's been at my tie.

I don't even know
when that happened.

Mrs Stokes prattling on
like I'm some misanthropic misfit

who'd be lucky to strike up
a dalliance with a bloody donkey!

Dorothy.
Hello, Siegfried.

You're not in Malta.
Not as far as I can tell.

I'm making tea, do you want one?
I made tea for the goat.

An absolutely enormous cup.

She was geriatric,
otherwise, I'd have preferred

to have extracted
the entire ruminal contents.

That's what I've missed
about this place, the small talk.

Anyway... I-I better get on.
Dorothy.

Siegfried.

DOROTHY CHUCKLES

It's a donkey.
Is it a donkey?!

I'll find the doggy one.
Rosie.

Come on, Rosie. Rosie?
Shall we put your costume on?

Are you excited?
Uh-huh!

I like it!

Can't find the armholes.
You've got a crown.

Take the hat off,
and put your costume on.

I've found the doggy thing.
There we go.

Not in there.
Tilly, come on. Come on, Tilly.

Can you do this, Susan?
I can't do this. OK.

Anybody need any help?
We need to sort that out.

Get ready, Mr Herriot'll be here
in a minute.

Jimmy, where are your wings?

All of these...
All of these are in a bow.

I still need to get mine on.
Hello, everybody, are you ready?

Oh, you look great.

Well done, well done.

Mrs H is gonna wonder
where all her tea towels have gone.

Now, this is a dress rehearsal,

which means it's exactly the same
as we do it in the Square tomorrow.

Mr Herriot?
Yes.

Can I have a sword?

Shepherds didn't really have swords.
Erm... but what about the wolves?

Sure, you can have one.
Yesssss.

Erm, all right, baby Jesus.
Baby Jesus...

Oh!

Right, Bobby, can you put baby
Jesus's head back on for me please?

Er, Mabel...

Why's Mabel got a rabbit?
He's got a sore eye.

Mum says she wants you
to look at him.

All right. All right. We all set?

Er, Bobby, can you give baby Jesus
to your sister?

Erm, right, ready?
BOBBY SNEEZES

I hope you're not coming down
with that cold, Bobby.

Are we all set?
Yes. Yes.

Jimmy, go.

Mary, I am the angel Gabriel,

and I bring great tidings
from Hebden.

Heaven, Jimmy. Heaven.

Mary, I am the angel Gabriel,

and I bring great tidings
from Heaven.

Thank you.

Good God, man,
how long is this likely to take?

Lucy, Susan, hand out the scripts.
Thank you.

There's still a bit of work to do.
I am trying to concentrate in there.

Well, you'll have to manage.
Look, I'm run ragged here.

And I've got Mrs Pumphrey on my back

asking for hormone injections
for Tricki.

Well, you've warned her
about possible side effects, I hope?

Muscle problems, hair loss,
aggressive behaviour,

and there's no guarantee
it will work.

She knows it's the last resort,

but if we don't try,
it amounts to giving up.

The dog is old. Giving up
is the only sensible approach.

Aye. but you can imagine
how she'll take that!

Dad, the Virgin Mary
needs the toilet.

Pus-y eye.

I'll do the eye drops, then,
shall I?

Well...

Right.

Yes, I'm off to Sunderland
after Christmas to see them all.

Been the making of Edward,
being a dad.

What about your Harry?
Is he all right?

Oh, yes! Demobbed a few months ago.

He wanted to move back to Yorkshire,

and it was probably time
for me as well.

I followed all the news from Malta.

They say it was the most
heavily bombed place in the w*r

for those two years.

No way out, even if I wanted to go.

I thought you might come back
after it were liberated.

It seemed like giving up.

And there were still good times to
be had, if you knew where to look.

Well, you always know where to look.
DOROTHY CHUCKLES

Anyway, it's in the past now.

Well, I'm glad you're here.

And I'd say someone else is an' all.

You think?
He couldn't get away quick enough.

MRS HALL LAUGHS
You'll have to make some allowances.

He's been on his own a lot
the last few years.

I can tell. He's learnt to make tea!
MRS HALL LAUGHS

There's a good heart in there
somewhere.

Tries his best
to keep it hidden is all.

SIEGFRIED SHUSHING

Come on,
you're up for darts practice.

I'm actually quite busy.
Er, there's a turkey at stake.

I'm only thinking of you.
Is Dorothy still here?

No, don't worry,
you've not missed her.

Has it perhaps slipped your mind
how she and I parted?

No.

Nor has it slipped my mind
how well you used to get on.

I'm sure this little chap's
good company... but still...

DISTANT
CHILDREN SINGING

Ooh, I must have a cuddle.
What?

He's lovely.

Oh, erm, be careful with the eye,
there may be some pus. Ooh!

Right, we're entering a team
at The Drovers.

The prize is a turkey.

I might be a little rusty.
It's been some time.

Oh! You seem a bit tense.

TENSELY: I'm not in the least tense.

Look at you. You're knotted up
like a sailor's hankie.

Like this. Light but firm.

Right foot forward.

Eye on the target.

I'm not the target, am I?
Don't think about it too much.

Yes! Very impressive, Siegfried.

I'll take the bunny to the shed.
No, no, I'll do it.

Excuse me.

Right.

Here you are.
DOROTHY CHUCKLES

Audrey thought he might want this.

How thoughtful of her.

Do you mind me calling in?

Why would I mind?

I've taken a little place
in Broughton, you see.

I thought I might be round
from time to time.

Oh, of course.

Mrs Hall will be delighted.

She was quite concerned for a while,
when there was no news.

Yes. I'm sorry about that.
I'm surprised you came back.

There was never really much here
for you.

Don't know if that's true.

Why don't you come back in
for a cuppa?

We've got so much to catch up on.
I can't, I'm afraid.

I have to mend a barn door
for Mrs Stokes.

Right.

I should get going myself, really.

Perhaps you could drop me off?

Oh, well, er,
I need to be up at the farm

before it starts to get dark.

We could go there first,
if you like.

It's very muddy.
I'm not sure your shoes would...

Siegfried,
I've had bombs dropped on me.

I'm not worried about a bit of mud.

Hello, Mrs Stokes.

It's only me.
Oh, you're not back again, are you?

I thought I'd take a look
at this door for you.

We don't want any more escapes,
do we? Oh.

'Ey, as long it's not
going on my bill.

'Ey, especially
if it takes two of you.

Oh, no, this is my...
this is Dorothy.

Hmm!
Hello, Mrs Stokes.

I'm just tagging along.
Oh, isn't she beautiful?

'Ey, don't let her fool you.

She's a right temper on her,
and she's stubborn as owt.

How is she since the drench?

Well, she's still off her food.
It's to be expected.

Keep a close eye on her.

How much closer
do you want me to get?

DOROTHY CHUCKLES

'Ey, let's me and you go for a brew
and a chat while he huffs and puffs.

Yes, please.
I thought there was no more tea.

HILDA BLEATS

And you can keep your opinions
to yourself too.

HILDA FARTS

Sorry, sorry, I was held up.
Not to worry.

I was just admiring your baubles.
Oh, thank you.

You know, I think it's going
to be raucous in The Drovers.

If you'd prefer we just had a quiet
drink in the Manor, I'd understand.

They're calling this
the happiest Christmas ever,

and you want to spend it
with Philbrick and me?

Your horse, yes.
I don't mind what you do.

Mrs Hall's told me about the darts,

and she's signed you up
for the team.

Ah, yes. Of course.

I've never known you reluctant
to go to The Drovers before.

HE EXHALES
I was supposed to get a tree.

The one everyone's meant
to be looking at

when they turn
the Christmas lights on. Right.

There's not a decent one left
in Darrowby.

I've been all over.
It is December the 23rd.

My name is going to be mud.

Have you thought
about the Christmas tree farm?

Just a guess, but I think
they might have Christmas trees.

You see, this is what having
an expensive education does for you.

So you'll be able to show your face
on Christmas Eve after all. Ah.

Oh. Leeds City Varieties, that one.

DOROTHY GASPS
They loved me.

I can tell that's you.
Mm.

You didn't say
we were visiting a star!

Were you on the stage?

"Lavinia Lavinshaw".

Yeah, Lavinshaw,
that were me maiden name.

Siegfried, how long
have you been coming here?

And you've only just found out.
These are marvellous.

You must have had a right old time.
Oh, aye.

All over the country,
all the great halls.

I used to do a few bawdy ones.

Oh, they loved me, they did.

I knew you weren't a born farmer.

Ah, well...

..I met him, didn't I?

Swept off me feet by Victor Stokes.

I mean he weren't fancy,
but by God, he were handsome.

I'd have followed him
to the ends of the Earth.

Well, I did, didn't I?
THEY LAUGH

That's sweet.
But you stopped singing?

Yeah, well,
my heart never stopped singing.

All done out there.
Should keep Hilda safe for a while.

Ah, well, if not,
I shall be holding you responsible.

I wouldn't have it any other way.
MRS STOKES CHUCKLES

We'd better be off.

Lovely meeting you.
Aye.

Hey, that's a good 'un.
You keep hold of her.

BAAING

After you.

It was kind of you
to do that for Mrs Stokes.

Pure self-interest.

Saves me having to traipse up here

every time the goat gets a bellyful
of something she shouldn't.

It's like Audrey says,
you've got a good heart in there.

She said that?

It's incredible, you know.

I came from a place that was changed
beyond all recognition.

This place, everything's
the same as when I left.

Some things have changed.

Perhaps not things
one can easily see.

Seems rather quiet.

"Closed due to illness"!

That is inconvenient.
Oh, it's Christmas Eve!

Come on, then.

DOOR CLOSES

Your dedication is impressive,
Mrs Hall.

Well, this is our first Christmas
back together in a long while.

If this is what it takes
to do it right...

I shall make sure I put
some practice in before tonight.

Is Dorothy coming down?
Oh, I shouldn't think so.

You did invite her, though?

Outer bull.
I'm not sure I can match that.

Which is why I thought it'd
come in handy if she were there.

She seemed to have a good idea
of where you were going wrong.

I'm quite sure I shall be able
to manage by myself.

Or you might just stab yourself
straight in the foot.

What? I just think
she's much better suited to you

than some of the other ladies...
Frankly...

..the type that throw shoes at me.

Once. That happened once.

And I can't see
why you're not c*ck-a-hoop.

It's possibly
because I like Plato's idea.

Oh, of course it is [!]

Well, I say Plato,
he credits it to Aristophanes.

Yes, never mind that now.

He believed
that we all have our souls...

..split into two.

And we spend our lives
trying to find our other half.

Even if one half dies...

we go off trying to find another
that matches.

And he says that
once we've found our other half,

we don't want
to be separated again...

..not even for a moment.

I suppose I want that.

You don't want much, do you [?]
THEY CHUCKLE

I don't know about your Plato...
Sorry, Aristophanes.

..what if you spend your whole life

looking for something
that doesn't exist...

..and miss
what's right under your nose?

PHONE RINGS

I'll get that.

RINGING CONTINUES

Darrowby two-two-nine-seven.

Mrs Stokes.
'It's Hilda. She's worsened.'

Worsened how?
'Well, she just can't stand up.'

I'll be right there.

I knew I had one in the boot.
Bone saw.

Looks like it's seen better days.

Oh, when I tell you
the things this has sawn through...

I'd rather not know, thank you.
OK.

It's really rather lovely
with no-one around.

Yes, I must come and carry out
an ill*gal activity every year.

Ah, right.

# On the first day of Christmas
My true love sent to me

# A night in police custody. #
SHE LAUGHS

We'll leave money for the tree.
It's only a little bit ill*gal. Mm.

HE GRUNTS

That looks quite hard.
It's like Christmas.

Just something
you have to get through.

Thank goodness
it's the one time of the year

where it's socially acceptable
to start drinking at breakfast.

Ah, there.

That's at least
a hundredth of an inch.

Right. Here we go.

Jimmy.

That belongs to the three kings.
I was just showing your mum.

Bobby Ainsley's mum said
to give you this.

Right. Thanks, Jimmy.
They're all poorly, Dad.

Rosie, you're one of the kings.
You'll need a crown.

TRICKI PANTS

Sorry, Mrs Pumphrey.

Helen's not well.
I've got my hands full.

I heard from Mrs Argyll that you
were doing the Nativity this year.

Aye... but I'm gonna
have to cancel it.

The Ainsley kids
are all down with the bug.

I've lost an angel,
two kings and a shepherd already.

Jimmy and Rosie
will be so disappointed.

Do the show here.

The children will be happy
as long as their families see it.

It's a good idea.
Thank you, Mrs Pumphrey.

It'll be more than good
because you're a wonderful father.

I only hope Tricki will follow
your lead when it comes to his turn.

Now, this won't sting too much?

I don't want him being in a sulk
with me over Christmas.

WHISPERS: He can be a terrible sulk.

Actually, Mrs Pumphrey...
I don't think it's a good idea.

Oh.

Er, no, well, then perhaps
we should wait for the New Year.

No, I mean,
it's not a good idea, full stop.

I don't want
to give Tricki the injections.

The side effects,
they can be drastic.

And not just physically -

it could change his personality
completely.

At his age, there's probably nothing
that will make a difference,

so surely, it's better
to enjoy the time he's got.

I'm sorry. I know how much
you were hoping.

Not at all.
You've been entirely professional.

SHE SNIFFS

And you've said
what you believe to be true.

I can't ask for more.

Almost there. Almost.

Oh, don't you dare.
What happened?

It's stuck.

STRAINING:
God, it won't bloody move!

We'll just have to explain
to Maggie.

I don't even know
why I got involved.

I don't want to go
to the bloody pub tonight.

God!

I knew something was wrong.
What?

I'm fine.
Of course you are. It's Christmas.

Everyone's happy at Christmas,
except all of those who aren't.

I haven't had a happy Christmas

since the year we celebrated
in November.

Why November?

We didn't think Mother
would see December.

Oh... Oh, Charlotte...

I'm very good at not showing it.
I don't suppose I'm the only one.

What is it?

This is supposed to be
"the happiest Christmas ever".

So we're meant to just forget
that Arthur never came home

from the Japanese prisoner-of-w*r
camp, or the men we lost?

I'm meant to just forget
the things I saw?

We won't go tonight,
not if you don't want to.

It's not just about tonight.
I know.

I know so well,
but it'll be over in a few days,

and then we don't have to
think about it for another year.

But these are things
I think about all the time.

I'm not sure
I'll ever be able to stop.

HE SIGHS

KNOCKS

Mr Farnon,
I brought her in to keep warm.

She's been vomiting an' all.
She can't seem to stand up.

She's shivering.
HILDA PANTS

Laboured breathing.
This is toxicosis.

You said the drench would get rid.
It should have done, yes.

It's possible she may have eaten
more than we thought.

I'll have to do the rumenotomy
after all.

But you said,
with her being so old...

We still may be in time.

We'll know as soon
as we've see the contents.

I have to get some things
from the car.

She'll be fine.
VOICE BREAKING: Won't you, Hilda?

FINGERS SNAPPING
Come on, lad.

Leave it, come on.

Good lad.

SNORING

I'm so sorry.

It seems Hilda has eaten more
than I thought.

A great deal more.

Well, never,
I saw the wreath myself.

The offcuts.
She's been into the sack.

Who knows how much she got through
before you caught up with her.

There's no point
going ahead with the surgery.

What are you on about?

In those quantities,

the laurel will be absorbed
into the blood by now.

I'm afraid it's too late.

Well, what'll you do?

There's no sense

in putting her through
any more suffering than necessary.

And I'm afraid she is suffering.
She can't stand up.

She has tremors.
She must be in considerable pain.

You can help her, though, Mr Farnon?
You can help her get better.

Please believe me,

if there was anything
I could do for her, I would.

The kindest thing now
is to let her go.

Oh, you don't need to dash off.
Can I get you some tea?

Dad, can I have a sword
like the shepherds?

Jimmy, I'm just talking right now.
Can we go to the Square soon?

A change of plan.

I was thinking we might do the show
here instead. Just us.

That's even better!
Then all the animals can be in it!

Hello, Mrs Pumphrey.
Hello!

I'm an angel from Hebden.

Where all angels come from.

THEY LAUGH

Did I hear you were in charge
one year?

Oh, yes. 1936. Legendary.

All over in ten minutes,
record time.

I'm sorry to ask, but I need
to run round all the other parents,

and... well,
you'd be doing me a huge favour.

I couldn't, not this time.
It's a family occasion.

I'm Tricki's uncle.
That means these are his cousins.

Dad, can we get ready now?

Look at your hair.

You can't go on stage
with your hair looking like that.

And, Rosie, hello, darling.

Ooh, look, you're going to trip
over your dress.

Come on, let's get you sorted out.

Thank you, Mrs Pumphrey.
You know how it is.

The show must go on.

It'll not hurt her, will it?
She won't feel a thing.

MRS STOKES WHIMPERS

It'll only take a few moments
once I give her the dose.

Hey... you've been a good girl.

You've been the very best girl.

HILDA
BREATHES RAPIDLY

I'll admit it, Hilda,
you always got the better of me.

HILDA GRUNTS

# Some lovers like the summertime

# When they can stroll about

# Spooning in the meadow

# May seem fine without a doubt

# But give to me the winter time

# For the girl that I made mine

# Was captured when the snow
Lay on the ground

# I traced her little footmarks

# In the snow

# I traced her little footmarks

# In the snow

# I bless that winter's day

# When Nelly lost her way

# And I traced her little footmarks

# In the snow. #

You know why we have
Christmas trees, don't you?

Er, something to do
with Prince Albert?

Yes, but before him. Long before.

When the druids
were walking the hills round here.

I'm a bit behind
on my druid history, to be honest.

SHE CHUCKLES

It's because the pine
and the fir are evergreen.

So...?

A reminder that even the longest,
hardest winter will end

and spring will come.

HE CHUCKLES

Off to work we go!
THEY LAUGH

SHE STRAINS

HE CHUCKLES

HE SIGHS
I love you.

I love you.

Oh, hello, Rosie.

Tickets, please.
Of course.

There we are.
There we are.

Ooh, programmes!

Thank you!
Thank you. Well done, Rosie.

Oh, Act 3 looks good.
Yeah, I've heard wonderful things.

Erm...

Tricki wants to know

why his uncle looks
like the cat that got the cream.

THEY CHUCKLE

Hello!
Mummy! Ooh!

Mum!
Oh, hello.

Hey, hey, I don't want you two
getting my cold.

You two should be backstage!
Come on!

It's Siegfried Farnon.

I realise it's short notice,
but I...

..I would very much like it
if you would come tonight.

If it's not too late.

Of course. Yes, of course.

Everything all right?
Hmm.

Come on. You're musical director.
I'm what?

Just play summat Christmassy.

Gold.
Thank you, Auntie Audrey.

There's your frankincense,
and your myrrh.

SIEGFRIED PLAYS PIANO

Welcome
to the Skeldale House Nativity,

Christmas 1945.

Ayyy.
APPLAUSE

A play in three acts,

with set and costume courtesy
of the Darrowby Dramatic Society.

Please enjoy the show.

Once upon a time, long ago,

there was a lady called Mary,
and a carpenter called Joseph.

ROSIE MUMBLES

Jimmy, curtains!

LAUGHTER

Oh, I like Joseph's understudy.

Mary was very surprised when,
one day, an angel appeared to her.

Mary, I bring to you good tidings
from Hebden.

Thank you.

DASH WHINES

Do you want me to help?
LAUGHTER

So Mary and Joseph needed a room
for the night.

But the innkeeper said,

or rather, the innkeeper...
squeaked...

IN SQUEAKY VOICE: The inn is full.

You will have to sleep
in the family guest room.

TRICKI BARKS
Tricki? Tri... Oh.

LAUGHTER

It was cosy and warm
in the family guest room,

where they were NOT surrounded
by animals,

and Mary gave birth to a boy.

But this was no ordinary boy.
This was the baby Jesus.

A shepherd followed a star...

..and came to visit the baby Jesus.

Come on, Jess.

LAUGHTER

And also came three... Sorry.

..one king from the east
bearing gifts.

Gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Oh!
LAUGHTER

GASPS

Oops!

And so, like the shepherds
and the kings,

let's hope that we too can search
for love and find it...

..in whatever form it takes.

WHISPERS: Take a bow!

APPLAUSE,
CHEERING

Bravo!

Thank you, Mrs Pumphrey. We couldn't
have done it without you.

Oh, it was the tonic we all needed.

Hear, hear.
Absolutely.

Tricki is as much a part
of this family as anyone.

And so are you.

You're quite the talented writer.

Perhaps you should
write some stories about him.

That's not baby Jesus!

LAUGHTER

Oh, Tricki!

ON RADIO:
'We Wish You A Merry Christmas'

I was half thinking you'd forgotten.
Oh, Maggie, would I ever?

Hurry up. We can start now!

MRS HALL: Right, come on, everyone.

There's a proper dinner to be won.
Here we go.

Oh, no. No, no.

It's Geordie Pickersgill.
Who's Geordie Pickersgill?

He's only the best darts player
in Darrowby. Come on.

SIEGFRIED:
He doesn't look that good.

Evening, all.

GLASS CLINKS

All right, everybody.
I think we're all here now.

And I'm sure you all know
what you're playing for -

a prize turkey!

APPLAUSE

It's Around The Clock.

Each team have to hit one to 20
in order, and then the bullseye.

First one there wins.
Oh, and no cheating, Tristan Farnon.

Damn, damn!
Skeldale, you're up first.

APPLAUSE

Yes!
APPLAUSE

Oof, nearly.
Close.

Yes!
APPLAUSE

Well done, Uncle Siegfried!

Pickersgill, you're up next.
MAN: Come on, Pickers.

APPLAUSE

Please can I have a cuppa tea?
You want a cup of tea? OK.

I want a cup of tea, and I'm hungry.

Ooh! What's this, then?

Ooh. Oh!

You know whose cake that is?

Yeah.
Yeah, it's Jimmy's cake.

Yeah!
In't your dad clever, eh?

I think he can do that every year.

APPLAUSE

Here we go.

Go on, Tris!

TRISTAN BLOWS

GROANS

He only needs a 20
and then the bull to win.

Surely not.
Don't underestimate Pickersgill.

SHUSHING
MAN: Go, Geordie.

CROWD: Ooh!

I can't look.

CROWD: Ooh!

CHARLOTTE: He's missed!
We've got a chance!

It's all down to you, Mrs H.

SIEGFRIED: Excuse me.

Dorothy.

I'm so glad you came.
I'm glad you asked.

I wasn't thinking yesterday.
I meant to say I...

I missed you.
I missed you rather a lot.

TRISTAN: Nineteen! Yes!

THEY CHUCKLE

Do you remember what you told me?
No?

It's a parasite.
Oh, God.

"Suffocates the life
out of other plants".

Oh, no, I didn't, did I?
Mm-hm.

TRISTAN: Twenty!

MAGGIE: The bull.

The bull to win, Mrs H.

The problem is,
you never know when to stop talking.

CHEERING

TRISTAN: She's done it!
She's jolly well done it!

Well done, Mrs Hall, how amazing!

Well done!

MAGGIE: Excuse me, coming through.

Team Skeldale are the winners!
APPLAUSE

Congratulations,
you get the winning prize!

TURKEY GOBBLES

Is he ours? Really?
I'm gonna call him Rudolph!

No, don't... don't give him a name.
Hi, Rudolph.

I'll look after you from now on.

Erm, Maggie, it's still breathing.

Best way of keeping it fresh.

LAUGHTER

Come on, through here!

Everybody in.

You've probably noticed
this fine tree here.

As we know,
because of the blackout,

many of us haven't bothered
with Christmas lights for a while.

But all of that...

..that's all over.

And it's come at a price.

I'm sure you'll all join me

in raising your glasses
to those we lost.

Let's hope their sacrifice
wasn't in vain.

Let's hope that it means

the world doesn't go down
this dark road again.

And let's hope the year ahead

brings us all the things
we truly need.

Good tidings, comfort, and joy.

ALL: Hear, hear.

CHEERING

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, everyone!

ALL: Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Rudolph.

Come on, birthday boy!

ALL: Merry bloody Christmas!

LAUGHTER

TRISTAN: Murkey!
TURKEY GOBBLES