01x10 - Perfect

[bunniefuu]

I do solemnly swear that everything

I am about to tell you is true.

A spill of weirdness from

another dimension turned

my hometown into the center of

weirdness for the entire universe.

Don't believe me?

Just watch.

When Aunt Gladys

called to invite my parents

to stay for the weekend, I knew

we were heading straight for disaster.

As weird as things are

with my parents in the

house, the idea of being left alone

with my sister was even more terrifying.

Now Mitchell, promise me

you won't fight with your sister.

I'll only be gone until Sunday, okay?

And remember, Carrie is in charge, okay?

I'm able to look after myself.

Give your sister some credit.

No matter what you may think,

she is older and more mature.

Carrie, what is it?

I'm mutilated, can't you see?

No.

Are you blind?

I'm blemish.

Is it?

I'm positively d*sfigured.

I can never be seen in public again.

Honey, you look lovely.

What is the point of living?

That's the cab.

We gotta get going.

I'm gonna lock myself in my

bedroom and never come out again.

Now tell me about the older

and more mature part again.

Carrie will call when

we get to Aunt Gladys'.

Goodbye, son.

They love you.

Take care.

Three days stuck alone with the

curse of the invisible blackhead woman.

Could things get any worse?

In Erie, that's always a safe bet.

Jolie Smith, the Vayne

Glory beauty incorporated,

and the proprietor the

soon-Duke in Vayne Glory's bar.

This is my associate, George Weber.

Sure.

Are your parents home?

Uh, no.

Oh.

Isn't that too bad?

Perhaps there's someone

else, a sister, maybe,

who might be interested

in seeing our beauty line.

Mitchell, why didn't you warn me?

You know I can't be seen like this.

There she is.

Oh, George.

Just look at her.

Truly remarkable.

You're her.

Actually, I prefer to call her it.

George?

Oh, eyes.

Two millimeters off.

Oh, my shadow can fix that.

Oh, let's see, chin.

One millimeter, too.

Excuse me?

Oh, my dear.

You are exactly what

I've been searching for.

A young woman to represent

the Vayne Glory beauty I do.

Me?

Her?

I'll make you famous.

You will be known far and

wide as the most beautiful girl.

In the universe.

Everyone will want to look like you.

They will?

My dear.

You're perfect.

St.

They say beauty is in

the eye of the beholder.

All I know is the look

that I saw in Dolly's

eye that day was

anything but beautiful.

What I saw looked downright weird.

Has Miss Vayne Glory,

you'll get our full treatment.

You'll receive a full makeover.

Hair, tint, makeup, and our

special patented preservative.

By the time we get through it, your

own brother here won't recognize you.

Look, as much as it pains me to say this,

what's wrong with the way she looks now?

Oh, hell, her hair.

It's too dark, right?

See, I knew it.

And these cheekbones.

Too high.

Too low?

I've always felt that.

And then we must do

something about that mouth.

Hey, I say that I've always felt that.

Mitchell, you are so jealous.

Just because I'm going to be a celebrity.

Look, Carrie, don't you think you should

discuss this with Mom and Dad first?

I think your sister is old enough

to make her own decisions.

You see, lots of

people think beauty is

something that's different

to different people.

But we at Vayne Glory beauty have

gone far beyond that kind of imprecision.

In short, we know what's really beautiful.

And what isn't?

Trust me, Dolly knows.

She was Miss Eerie, after all.

Before we're through,

when people think of beauty,

they're going to think

of Miss Vayne Glory.

H'd if I, covering up, concealing?

I don't claim to know

anything about cosmetics.

But this didn't sound

like it was about beauty.

It sounded like it was

about hiding something.

I'm telling you, Stanley.

Lasting my sister needs to

concentrate on is our looks.

Miss Eerie controls the

bathroom most of our waking hours.

Luckily, my bladder control is in top form.

Yep, there it is, the wall of Eerie beauty.

Thirty years of Eerie winners.

Wow.

1971 Miss Dolly Smith, holy cowfish!

She looks just like Carrie.

Oh, I see you fellas are admiring

the cream of Eerie womanhood.

In a superficial purely

physical consequence.

This Dolly Smith wants my sister

to represent her beauty company.

Dolly Smith.

Now there was a local fellas.

As I recall, she swept

the Eerie crown and rode

it all the way to the Miss

Cosmo's competition.

Did you want that too?

No, lost by one vote.

Brand from the stage and tears.

That was the last ever heard of her.

Well, she's back.

She's got her ultra lacquered

nails deep in my sister.

That's good hurt.

I swear to anybody?

If there's one thing I've

learned living in Eerie, it's this.

What seems normal is probably weird.

And what seems weird

is usually off the scale.

Dolly Smith was setting off

my weirdness meter big time.

Carrie?

Where are you?

Mitchell, it's so wonderful.

What Dolly did to me?

Have you looked in a mirror?

I know.

I'm beautiful.

It's not exactly the

word I was looking for.

Well, Dolly says I am and she should know.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't get so excited.

Dolly says extreme emotion

is bad for the complexion.

Dolly's beauty system

isn't just about makeup.

It's a whole lifestyle.

Oh.

What else does Dolly say?

Lots of important things.

Like about not going outside

so my skin doesn't dry up

and not smiling too much so I

don't get crinkly lines around my eyes

and not worrying or concentrating too hard

on anything so I don't crease my forehead.

So what are you allowed to do?

I think I'm okay to watch TV.

Carrie, can't you see what this

woman is trying to do to you?

I know she's going to make

me the most beautiful girl in town.

Uh oh.

Anger.

As my sister proved being a math wiz and

being sensible don't always go together.

No fresh air or sunlight.

No worrying.

No smiling.

How big a jump was it?

No feeling.

Or even worse.

No thinking.

That jump seemed to be getting

smaller with each passing moment.

Something strange was definitely

going on in Dolly Smith's spa.

Something Stanley and me

had to get to the bottom of.

Here at Vayne Gloy we have

a very clear standard of beauty.

A standard that you my

dear are going to exemplify.

You're going to become

the benchmark of beauty

that the world will

measure itself against.

And the fabulous thing is

you're going to stay that way.

For eternity!

Hello Dolly.

You think we're going too far here?

Oh.

Maybe you're right, George.

I am?

Don't be a sap.

Cautional right.

We've spent the last

seven years searching for

a girl fit to wear the

Miss Vayne Glory crown.

Soon the entire world will agree that

the Vayne Glory girl is the perfect beauty.

What's that?

Looks like the eerie wash and go car wash.

Oh.

Something's getting the works.

Oh.

You are even more beautiful

than I imagined you would be.

Dolly.

Shut up, George.

Come along, dear.

My public is waiting.

We've all heard people describe

somebody they love as a living doll.

But I'm sure very few mean it in

the same way that I did that day.

All I knew is that my sister

had become Dolly's dress

up toy and I had to get her

back before the game began.

How much worse could things get?

Dolly had turned my sister

into a walking, talking, marketing

device and was about to unleash

her on an unsuspecting public.

Even in her natural state,

Carrie was a handful.

Who knew what affection

had after Dolly's changes?

Ladies, ladies, I'm here today

to talk to you about dreams.

Now I'm sure some of you have

dreamed about money, travel, men.

But the dream that you all

share is to be more beautiful.

Well, at the brand new Vayne

Glory spa, we can do that for you.

In fact, we can make you perfect.

Well, if the bride of

Lipstick's dine doesn't

throw a wrench in

her plans, nothing will.

She's just like the doll.

That's right, dear.

She's just as beautiful.

If your mommy buys you a

Miss Vayne Glory doll, you'll

know exactly what you want

to look like when you grow up.

Please, mommy, she's beautiful.

And for those of you ladies who

may never know the true vibrant

beauty, the utter perfection

of Miss Vayne Glory herself.

By using our products,

you can dedicate yourselves

to the ultimate dream

of looking like her.

You sure that stuff's in style?

It's always in style.

I reckon it's in style.

Well, ladies and girls, step

right up and take a look.

Get acquainted with what

could be the new, beautiful you.

Start your treatments today at

the brand new Vayne Glory spa.

Come on, Stanley. Let's see if

we can talk some sense into her.

Carrie? Look at you. You come on, I'll go.

You don't even look real.

Don't you see? She's just trying

to turn you into some kind of a

makeup robot just because you look

like she did when she was your age.

Mitchell, I refuse to argue with you.

You refuse to argue

with me? You love to

argue. You're the head

of the debating team.

Correction.

I used to be the head of the debating team.

Used to be? What about

math? You're going to stop

math student. Are you

going to give that up, too?

I'd give up anything to be perfect.

Next thing you know, you'll

drop out of school entirely.

You want to spend the rest of

your life selling makeup in dolls?

What's happening to my face?

Carrie, you're coming apart.

Help, help me. Please.

No!

Carrie, you're doing great.

You're looking so tired.

You're doing great. You're doing great.

I have to go back to the school.

You can't take her back there.

You've got nothing to say about it, kid.

Carrie, don't let them do this to you.

What are we going to do now?

I'd like to miss it, Stan.

You can't beat them.

Join them.

You want to see join them? Beat them.

For two guys who were

totally baffled by girls,

Stanley and me had landed

right in the middle of it.

For at this terrible moment, we had

become members of the fairer sex.

Hello, young lady.

Are we here for a treatment?

Yeah, that's right.

I mean, that's right.

And what kind of treatment

were we after today?

Oh, well, we were thinking of the

Vinglory comprehensive eye makeover.

The Dead Sea Mud

with the cucumber slices,

or the avocado paste

with chamomile sachets.

We'll take the mud.

Oh, you'll love it.

Follow me, girls.

Remember, Carrie?

Okay.

I think Mitchell was just trying to help.

How to destroy my perfect beauty, you mean?

Isn't it my beauty?

Oh, of course it is.

Didn't I say that, dear?

We can't risk her cracking

every time she tries to think.

We need extra heart in her.

Well, can't, Dolly.

She'll be sealed in for life.

Did I miss you on a memo, George?

Permanent perfectionist

would Vinglory's about.

Carrie has reached the pinnacle of beauty.

A pinnacle I touched for

one brief, shining moment.

And I will not let her

topple from it like I did.

Now get the hardener, and once of it.

Now just a few hours in this, and your

eyes will be all ready for their new look.

A few hours?

Maybe there's been a mistake.

Of course. We forgot the cucumber.

Now remember, no thinking.

That's what you're saying.

You know, I could get used to this.

This is so cool.

You need to make sure it's right, dear.

It's going to be like this forever.

Oh, if it is, could we do

something about the hair?

I was thinking maybe the bang.

No, no, it's perfect. It's perfect.

You don't mess with perfection.

Is the hardener ready?

Dolly, please. Do it.

It's not right.

I said do it.

Dolly, never carry Dolly.

After the machine runs its

course, you have to remain very

still for a few minutes until

the hardener does its job.

After that, no one will be

able to steal your beauty.

The carrier won!

Come on, Stanley.

He's got it.

We have to turn the sling off.

I don't think so.

Get away from that machine.

I'm not going to let you turn

my sister into Ms. Polymer 1971.

That was Miss Erie, you little saboteur.

And I was beautiful.

Don't work. She's being mean to me.

Oh, look, kid. Give it up.

The machine's finished its cycle.

Carrie?

Forget it, kid.

There's nothing anybody can do.

You want it, Beck?

Carrie, are you in there?

Listen, if you can hear me blink twice.

Come on, you have the thing!

Don't you idiot! Grab them.

She needs time to harden.

No! Let us go!

Carrie!

Look, babe, drive back. Carrie loves, man.

Shut them up.

You have $70 left on your credit card

plus $20 in cash and a 10% discount.

You have three parties to attend.

What a legitimate formal.

Do you want that girl so weird?

Pink spandex!

How much do you spend at

which store and what do you wear?

Oh, no.

I'd buy two skirts at $30 apiece from

the Funky Shack, one red and one black.

Three blouses from Masons at $39.99.

Assorted colors.

I'd mix and match the skirts and

blouses for the first two parties.

And then, and then I'd

buy a retro c*ck dress

blue for the semi-formal

at the bargain bin.

Six dollars for lunch and

spend the rest on CDs.

And that would be how much change?

$4.16.

Look, what you've done, you've

ruined, er, you've ruined me!

Without Miss May and

Gloria, I have nothing.

I'm just an ugly dried up as bin.

No, Dolly. There's nothing ugly about you.

Maybe you should try a more natural look.

Natural?

Oh, there's an idea.

Well, there goes my chance to be famous.

You've got bigger problems

than that to worry about.

Like what?

Like Mom's coming home in the

whole kitchen's a disaster area.

Oh.

By the way, nice dresses.

When Mom and Dad got back, they complimented

Carrie on taking such good care of me.

As for Carrie, in the

past week, she's already

gone through two more

fashion makeovers.

She's now trying out something my parents

don't even want to admit is happening.

And as for Dolly, you worked

hard for those gray hairs.

Be proud of them and

show off those extra years

with all natural,

natural beauty products.

Remember, he loves

you for who you really are.

Dolly finally found a way to love herself

for who she is and not who she was.

And in typical area style,

when the going turns

weird, the truly weird

find a way to cash in.

Thanks for watching.