01x05 - The Phantom

[bunniefuu]

I do solemnly swear that everything

I am about to tell you is true.

A spill of weirdness from

another dimension turned my

hometown into the center of

weirdness for the entire universe.

Don't believe me? Just watch.

At 8 AM, a flesh-eating bacteria began

consuming a department store Santa.

At the rate of 1 milligram per hour.

By what time will the replacement Santa

need to be hired, factoring in a body later?

Ms. Flipper's math class was never

exactly the high point of my day.

But it didn't become

truly scary until the day it

took a sharp left turn

and smack into weirdsville.

When you live in Erie, you

see some pretty strange things.

But what can be even stranger

are the things you don't see.

Mitchell?

Kindly share with us the formula

for calculating the ingestion rate.

Formula?

You mean for the soon-to-be missing Santa?

Bon fat ratios and ingestion formulas?

I blew every question Ms.

Flipper to ever ask me and

now I was going to flunk

math with Santa's body fat.

Another red X by your name, Mr. Taylor.

That should just about finish you.

Time equals fat times

mass over bacteria squared?

And the answer?

Um, Santa would be totally

digested within 72 hours.

Correct.

Don't get me wrong. Math and

me have never exactly gotten along.

So a little help from a classmate

doesn't go unappreciated.

But how do you show appreciation when that

classmate turns out to be a poltergeist?

In Erie, weirdness is

always the subject of the day.

The book says that these four Lord spirits

cling to the earth when only afraid.

Until they can find a

way to rise into the light.

Maybe they should lighten up. Get it?

Uh, yeah. I bet one of Ms. Flipper's

students died of terminal boredom.

Now he's due to an

endless afterlife of algebra.

Eternal t*rture.

We have to find out whose

soul it is before we can free it.

Where are we going? To get some answers.

Maybe it was important.

Maybe hidden a closet and suffocated.

Chewed on his pencil

and died of lead poisoning.

It's fixated on chalk dust or

blended up from a paper cut.

School can be a dangerous place.

Except in three hours

we found absolutely no

evidence that any kid

ever died in this school.

Maybe it was a cover up.

Check this out.

What?

There's Barney Walters

before he got that stupid haircut.

Yeah, check out the guy beside him.

Holy cow.

You can see right through him.

There's our ghost.

And his name is Ollie Roberts.

In the darkness of night

from beyond the veil,

opened now the door

to the world of spirits.

We search for the rest

of the spirit named Ollie.

Man, that's pretty hokey.

Are you sure this is the

only way to contact him?

The book says, I guess it goes like hokey.

Come on.

We are here for you Ollie Roberts.

Be here for us.

We are here for you Ollie Roberts.

Be here for us.

We know you're here Ollie.

We just want to talk to you.

He's here. I know he is.

Okay.

Sure, whatever you say, I just

think we need another approach.

I guess we got our ghost.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Mitchell.

This is Stanley.

Why'd you call me?

We thought you might need some help,

you know, finding a way into

the light and all that ghost stuff.

Ghost?

I'm not a ghost.

Do I look dead?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, he just meant

we could see through you.

That sort of happened.

Bit by bit.

Happened?

Nobody seemed to mind.

I don't think they noticed.

Not even your folks.

Pretty busy.

No one was paying attention

to him, so he just disappeared.

I can't understand that.

You don't just vanish

because people ignore you.

Not everyone has a family like you,

but actually cares about them.

Okay, where'd you go?

We lost them.

Ollie, Ollie, you're back!

Ollie!

We're sorry, we'll try

to pay more attention.

Can you try and stick around?

I don't mean to.

I'm sorry, it just happens.

How do you survive?

You wouldn't believe how many

kids ditched their bag lunches.

And you sit here all alone,

eating their dried up celery sticks,

shoving their moldy tuna

sandwiches into your lonely mouth.

Stanley?

It's okay.

It's quiet.

There's lots of books to read.

Secondhand sandwiches

and nonstop misflipper?

You need a life.

We're here, Ollie!

We're here, Ollie!

Ollie!

Ollie!

Ollie!

No, not Ollie!

Ollie!

Ollie!

Your brother doesn't recognize your name!

You're sure of whatever he

must be around you someplace.

Ollie!

Excuse me, excuse me, Mrs. Roberts.

Yes, what is this?

Oh, we found your son Mrs. Roberts.

Oh, which one?

There's more than one mission.

And none of them are missing at least.

At least I don't think so.

What about Ollie?

What about him?

He's going to be around here someplace.

Are you sure?

Well, try his room upstairs.

First door on the right.

You're so stuck!

What if he's there?

Like she says he is.

Well, then our poltergeist

has got some splannin' to do.

Ollie in there?

Ollie, open up!

Stuck.

There's nothing there.

Poor Ollie.

This was getting serious.

First Ollie disappeared and now everything

connected with him was vanishing too.

Ollie's lack of solid body

mass was spreading.

I had to keep him from

disappearing or who knows how much

stuff will be sucked into the

sea of nothingness forever.

Are you talking to me?

Are you talking to me?

Then who else are you talking to?

I'm the only one here!

Talk to me, you son of a mother!

Well, that was riveting, Stanley.

Yeah?

Give me chills.

Alright, Ollie.

You're shot.

Are you

Kickin'?

What are you two?

Freaks or something?

Two freaks?

See what I'm up against?

He didn't see me.

I'm sorry, I can't.

This assertiveness thing isn't in me.

Sure it is, Ollie.

You just have to find it.

Come on, Ollie.

Do it for all the kids nobody notices.

You think it matters?

Sure it matters.

Okay, I'm ready.

Are you

Excuse me.

Do you think Maybe

you said something?

Maybe it was me you were talking to.

Sorry, wrong guy, I guess.

These two.

A live guppy weighs three grants.

A man's stomach holds 1.5 liters.

How many guppies can the man swallow?

Doesn't anyone know the answer?

I think I do.

I'm very disappointed in your class.

Think.

Little fish.

Think large stomach.

Full of acid.

Mushing up those little

fish into guppy juice.

Anyone!

Trust anyone.

Oh, finally someone's raised their hand.

Judy.

And the answer is Can I

please go to the washroom?

It does.

Nobody know the answer.

Well, let's try Ollie.

You say so.

She slows 206 guppies.

Oh, come now.

Wakey, wakey.

And the answer is 206.

Little fish.

Phase three.

There's a big cancel.

Go for it.

Go!

Go!

Hi, um, my name's Ollie.

Ollie Roberts.

I'm in your math class.

Anyway, I was wondering if maybe sometime

we could see each other outside school?

I mean, I know you can't

even see me in school.

But it would mean a lot to me.

Hi, Damon.

It's you.

It wasn't me I swear.

Oh, yeah?

Who wasn't that?

Mm.

Remember to myself, when trying

to raise someone's self-esteem,

keep away from homicidal psychopaths.

It's my fault.

He should've hit me.

Everything I do turns out wrong.

It wasn't your fault.

You hear me, Ollie?

This thing you've got feeds on low

self-esteem and you can't give into it.

I'm crying.

I really am.

Anybody feel like lunch?

I think I'll pass.

Don't even want to

know what the special is?

Yes.

A cake.

It's a cupcake.

It's my birthday tomorrow.

So I'll take anything I can get.

It's your birthday.

Ollie's parents could

hardly remember who

their son was, let alone

remember his birthday.

But after we showed

him Ollie's birth certificate,

dated baby pictures, and

his bronze baby shoes,

they had a vague recollection

of giving birth to him.

They still made us by the cake.

Why are you doing this?

Because it's important for you to

know that your family still loves you.

Surprise!

It's incredible.

It's amazing.

It's amazing.

Who's Ozzy?

Isn't that you?

No.

But that's okay.

For all he's a jolly good fellow.

For all he's a jolly good fellow.

For all he's a jolly good fellow.

For all he's a jolly good fellow.

Hello!

Hello, kids!

Hello!

There's no one here tonight.

Hello!

Hello, kids!

Hello!

Hello!

No!

Hey!

Come on!

Cut the cake already!

We're starving.

Ha!

Ha!

Chompa cake. My favorite.

Gemma. Come give me a big hug.

It's okay Ollie.

It could be worse. Oh yeah?

Ow. Come on Ollie.

You haven't even gotten your present yet.

Your present? Yeah. For me? That's right.

Get out of here.

Mom, I'm always for any of that.

Is that really for me? Here it is.

Who cares about wrapping?

It's what's inside that counts.

It was a baseball glove.

We'll get you new when I promise.

No thanks. It was nice of you

to try, but none of this is any use.

Nobody wants to know me.

Sure Ollie had been

invisible before, but this time

it sounded like he was

ready to give up for good.

That was something Stanley

and me weren't about to let happen

without a fight, even if we

had to keep him on a leash.

Repeat after me. I am the

center of the universe, and

I am entitled to more good

things than anyone else.

I'm nothing. Come on, Ollie. You gotta try.

Hi. I am the brilliant burning son.

I am the dazzling luminosity.

Leave me alone. Better

off the way I was. At

least if they can't see

you, they can't hurt you.

But if we let you

disappear again, you might

never come back.

It's fine. It's all I want.

Look, Ollie. The only way you're

going to come back to this world is

if you really want to be someone

and you're willing to let people know.

Stanley and me can't do that.

Something you have to do yourself.

For what it's worth, I just want you to

know that we think you're pretty cool.

You do? Yeah. We don't want to see you

disappear. We want you to be our friend.

It's your decision. Let us know.

I don't know what to do.

Is that a hound dog out

here crying all the time?

There's nothing like a peanut butter and

bacon sandwich to keep them all blues away.

Hey, dog. Y'all want to bite?

No, I'm not a dog. I'm a person.

I was like that once. A little old

tree you couldn't see for the forest.

You were?

I know this. I know this. I know.

Until I heard the words of a good

old gal named Gypsy Rose Lee.

Who?

Never you mind. It's what

she said that counts. You got

to believe in yourself and

you got to have a gimmick.

And what was yours? Why?

The look, boy. The look.

I was a big zero till I found my very own.

You might say I reinvented myself.

Maybe it's the same with you little dog.

Decide on who you are.

And then let your wardrobe tell everybody.

Just like on Mickey Blake.

It's close.

But no cigar.

Picky, picky. Don't knock it.

Is this more what you had in mind?

Yeah, that's better.

I think we're on the right track.

Ollie, I don't know how

to say this, but I don't

think anyone would want

to m*rder that stuff on a bet.

I do. Come on, Ollie. You can't be serious.

Said that's what I want to wear.

Keep it coming, Crawford.

Okay.

Am I not the guy?

Am I awesome or what?

Hey, look, great, Ollie. Really great.

Yeah, look, I used car salesman at

a convention for the taste impaired.

You sure you don't want

to try anything else on?

Are you kidding? Look at me.

You hear that? They saw me.

They actually saw me.

Hey, girls, catch up with you later.

Yeah, right.

Of course nobody saw me before.

I wasn't whole. I wasn't me.

But now, look at me.

It's kind hard not to.

You said it, Stan, baby.

Nobody can shut me out and what?

Because I'm the man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on, boy, say it, say it.

I hear the man.

We were happy for Ollie. We really were.

It's just you went for being

invisible to so very, well, visible.

What am I saying? You don't

respect yourself. You've got nothing.

You might as well not exist.

That's very nice, Ollie.

But it's time to take your seat.

Hey, I got the floor here.

Do I not have the floor?

And there's a few things I want to say.

Only in Erie can a simple ghost turn

out to be the world's worst dresser.

And a giant secure kid into

the loudest kid in the class.

Hey, babe. That's about you and me.

A little late night pizza.

It's a Merley Jackie Chan.

Still, I guess it's better to be a

loud somebody than nobody at all.

Do you think we did the right thing?

You know?

Making Ollie a non-stop

top machine in all that?

Well, I guess he's got a

few years to make up for.

Look on the bright side.

At least Crawford's got someone

to take all that flat off of his hands.

The evidence for you, Stanley?

In a lot of towns,

people hold to the old

saying, it's better to

be seen and not hurt.

We found out the hard way with Ollie

Roberts than in Erie, the apex of weird.

Sometimes you just can't choose.