01x11 - Marshall's Theory of Believability

[bunniefuu]

My name is Marshall Teller.

I knew my new hometown was
going to be different from
where I grew up in New Jersey,

but this is ridiculous.

Nobody believes me,

but Eerie, Indiana is
the center of weirdness
for the entire planet.

[CAWING]

Item, Elvis lives
on my paper route.

Thank you,
little paperboy.

Item, Bigfoot
eats out of my trash.

Item, even man's
best friend is weird.

Still don't believe me?

You will.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MARSHALL:
It's easy to believe
almost anything

when you consider just
how big the universe is.

It's even easier to believe
the unbelievable here in my
little corner of the universe.

That's why when
Professor Nigel Zircon

rolled into town with
his Traveling Museum of
the Para Believable,

Simon and I were
the first to know.

USHER:
There's room for everybody.
Step right up. Step right up.

Hey, no cuts.

Oh, I'm sorry, kid.

Official business.

What a jerk.

Boys, show the
Mayor some respect.

Oh, thanks Eddie.

USHER:
Step right up.
Step right up.

I was born for this.

MARSHALL:
Simon and I had come to
the right place, all right.

Professor Zircon was a
scientist, explorer, and

the world's foremost
expert on weirdness.

Something Simon and I know
more than a little about.

EDGAR: It's unusual.

It's neat.

It's El Gordo,

the two headed sow
of the Yucatan.

This is much better than our
mouse in the pop bottle.

"Discovered in 1932

"El Gordo ate
enough food each day

"to feed all the
first graders

"in Normal Illinois
for one week."

Unbelievable.

I'll say.

I just love science.

I'm sorry, it isn't
exactly science.

Call it whatever you want,

it's generating hubbub
inside Eerie city limits
without a permit.

MARSHALL:
Incredible definition.

Check it out, you can
see every detail.

How's he do it?

Ours always
comes out blurry.

That's why
he's the best.

NIGEL: It's nice to meet
someone so young

who can appreciate
good evidence.

Allow me to
introduce myself.

I'm...
MARSHALL: Prof. Nigel Zircon.

We know.

I'm... I'm
Marshall Teller.

This is Simon Holmes.

Can I have
your autograph?

So, you boys are interested
in the para believable?

MAYOR: Excuse me,
excuse me.

I'd like a
word with you,

Mr. Professor.

All in good time,
Mr. Mayor.

I have an important
announcement to make.

[CLEARS THROAT]

And now,

the world's foremost authority
on para believability,

seeker, scientist,

recent guest on
The Tonight's Show,

Professor Nigel Zircon.

[APPLAUSE]
BOTH: Yeah.

Citizens of Eerie,

Mr. Mayor,

let me congratulate
all of you for showing the

courage to seek out the
mysteries of the world

by visiting my humble museum.

If we open our minds,
there's much to be seen

and much more
to be believed.

In my unending
search for the truth,

I have discovered an object

about to enter the
earth's orbit.

My colleagues at NASA
have assured me that

this object is neither

American or Russian
in it's origin.

Therefore, this leaves
only one possibility...

BOTH: Extra terrestrial.

Exactly!

It's purpose and its
origins are a mystery.

But I have no doubt
as to it's destination.

[STRAINING]

According to my calculations,

sometime within
the next 24 hours,

this object

will crash to Earth

right here in

Eerie, Indiana.

MARSHALL:
Finally there was somebody
who I could believe.

Better yet,

there was somebody
who might believe me.

Unidentified space thing.

Three o' clock.

Airplane.

What if he thinks we're
just a couple of kids?

We are a couple of kids.

But once th Professor sees
the quality of our work,

he can't say no.

Right.

We gotta act like pros.

Pros. Got it.

But you better do
all the talking.

This should do all
the talking for us.

SIMON: Bigfoot.

Professor Zircon wrote
two books on the subject.

"Print taken
March 8th, 1991.

"Mr. and Mrs.
Walter Funk's backyard."

Finally somebody will know
what we're talking about.

Professor Zircon
is the kind of guy

who can help us
blow the lid off Eerie.

MARSHALL:
I wasn't so sure if

a scholar and a scientist
like a professor would
have time to see us.

But we had to try.

But we had to try because

for the first time since
moving to Eerie,

there was somebody who
would understand that
Eerie is not a normal place.

SIMON: It's heavy.

Simon!

Careful.

I'm nervous.

Remember,
we're professionals.

How does it look?

Don't worry, you're
going to love it.

It's my best work yet.

They'll be lined up
around the block.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Let's have a look.

Excuse me,
Professor Zircon.

Beat it.

And don't screw up again.

Gentlemen,

how good of you
to drop by.

Well, I know we just look
like a couple of kids, but

we have some important things
to talk to you about.

Got a minute?

MARSHALL:
Who could've believed that
he could be so nice?

The man who had tracked the
abominable snowman in Tibet,

dined with Pygmies, and

pickled El Gordo.

The professor Zircon treated
Simon and me like kings.

Therefore, it is
our belief that

Eerie is the
center of weirdness
for the entire planet.

As you gentlemen know,

what you need it proof,
proof, and more proof.

I was hoping
you'd say that.

A footprint of the
mid-west Bigfoot.

Show him, Simon.

You found it
here in Eerie?

That's right.

Your books came in handy
when we were identifying it.

It's a left bi-pod with
the opposable thumb.

It's a box of dirt clods.

It's broken.

But it was just like you
described it in your book.

[PILCE SIREN WAILING]

Is there...

Is there some problem?

Not for long.

Deputy...

The problem is this...

Museum.
Museum of yours is on

public property and in
this town, the public is us.

Officer Knight,

read him the citation.

"Violation of 42a-77,

"leaky oil pan.

"Violation of
Civic Code, PDQ-69.

"Unsightly display of satellite
antenna in business district.

"Violation of traffic code..."

This could go on forever.

[DERISIVE CHUCKLE]

Let's cut to the chase.

We don't like
outsiders here.

Especially the kind
that go around making

predictions about UFOs
without a permit.

Let me tell you something
about Eerie, Mr. Professor.

You know, people from
these parts like to

breathe through
their mouth.

They just do. Understand?

Let me handle this, men.

See, the point is,

Eerie is an All American
normal town and we aim
to keep it that way.

An emergency meeting of the
Eerie Chamber of Commerce

decided that you better get
your... What do you call it?

My museum.

Yeah, whatever.
Get it outta here.

If this thing isn't off
public property by sundown...

We'll track you down
and write you up.

MAYOR: See ya in the
next life, Professor.

Oh, ye of little faith.

[VEHICLE REVVING]

Sorry about that,
Professor.

[SIRENS WAILING]

That's okay, son.

It's a small world
filled with little minds.

But I'm used to it.

I'd love to talk
further with you boys

but I must be
moving on.

You're leaving?

You heard the man.

Wait a minute.

I know where
you can park.

MARILYN:
Oh, I'm sure my
husband won't mind

your museum parked
in our driveway.

It's a beautiful, uh, vehicle.

Really, this
isn't necessary.

I'm sure Edgar will
be home any minute.

Nothing unidentified yet, sir.

Very well.

You are a hero,
Professor Zircon.

Oh, no, no,
Mrs. Teller.

I'm a businessman. A scientist.

But not a hero.

MARILYN: As far as those two
boys are concerned,

you and a wrestler named
Elginon the Invincible are it.

Oh, well, Marshall
is a fine young man.

You and Mr. Teller are
doing a first rate job.

You two are gonna have
a lot to talk about.

He's a scientist too.

Oh, really?

EDGAR:
What the heck?

What the heck is that

rolling museum
of the ridiculous

doing in my
driveway?

Professor Zircon,

hi.

Hello.

I'm gonna eat outside.

[CRACKING AND RUSTLING]

MARILYN:
This is very cozy, you two.

Mom, science isn't cozy.

What are we having?

Space noodles and
moon sauce, sir.

Macaroni and cheese?

Go for it Simon.
I'll cover for you.

Thanks for the
lovely dinner,
Mrs. Teller.

You're welcome, Simon.

Mom?
Yes, sweetheart?

How are dad and Professor
Zircon getting along?

Oh, fine.
[WHISPERS] Fine.

[DOOR CLOSES]
Project research...

Yes, that's right.

[SPOON CLINKING ON CUP]

Edgar is

designing a new
food processor
that has...

What does it have, dear?

We're trying to
come up with
a new speed,

something between
whip and frappe.

Nothing is as
exciting as...

No, no, no. I have the
utmost respect for
your work, Mr. Teller.

Well, all Marshall talks about
is your predictions.

I think it's wonderful.

The likelihood of a
space particle actually
hitting the earth is...

What, like 100,000?

And, how do you track it?

Well, Syndi...

EDGAR: There is not
going to be any

unidentified
space debris
landing in Eerie.

[CHUCKLES]

And I'm sorry,

there's nothing wonderful
about the boys wasting the
evening in the front yard.

I mean, why don't we send
them out there on Christmas

to get Polaroids of
Santa's reindeer.

I happen to know a
little something about
orbital mechanics and...

Edgar, please.

No dear, I have to
make my stand here.

For your information,

Professor Zircon,

I interned at the
Smithsonian institute

before entering Syracuse

to do my undergraduate
work on Archeology

and then...

[RHYTHMIC BEEPING]

Who's out there?

Professor?

[SHOOTS FLARE]

[DOG BARKING]

Professor?

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMS]

EDGAR:
Then I received the
NASA scholarship to MIT,

where my thesis,
Matter, What
Is It Exactly?

received rave reviews.

The space thing is here.

C'mon. We saw
right where it landed.

Shall we?

SIMON: Hurry.
MARSHALL: This way.

No, no, no, no.

My experience tells me it's
over to the North East more.

MARSHALL: No, no, no,
it's over here.

[CONFUSED] Really?

Come on.

Come on, Dad.

I'm coming,
I'm coming.

MARSHALL: There it was,

daring us to believe.

The Professor, Simon and I
are used to the unbelievable.

Goes with the territory.

This is even more impressive
than I imagined.

MARSHALL: But for Syndi,
Mom and Dad,

this was big time weird.

Discovering the
unidentified space object

was the biggest thing that
ever happened to Eerie.

Suddenly, the whole town
was daring to believe.

Everybody was getting
their 15 seconds of fame.

I mean, everybody

It's too early
to say of course, but

but this may change the
way we look at the past,

present and future.

This is only
scratching the surface.

You wouldn't believe
some of the things
that go on around here.

For instance...

You might say that
we here in Eerie

feel that we each
own a piece of this

incredible thing.

The genuine item does say,
"I've been to Eerie.

"and seen the space thing."

Who knows?

Maybe this is our
first contact with

life from another planet.

Don't you think so, honey?

No comment.

MAYOR:
What's the
big whoop?

It's just some sorta

time capsule from
another galaxy.

See, we here in Eerie

are simple,
down to earth folks.

Weird, bizarre,
unexplained things

never happen
around these parts.

Now given that fact,

I think that our
last offer is more
than generous

Well, I am very flattered

by your generous
offer, but of course

this object isn't
for sale at any price.

I know the guy that ran
the Holy Tortilla Shrine,

in Indianapolis.
Uh-huh.

He put all his
kids through college.

Let us talk
among ourselves.

Maybe we can
improve our offer.

When's lunch?

What's the matter, Dad?

I'm in a tough spot.

I know you don't
like the Professor.

No, you see, it isn't
that I don't like him.

I just don't want to
see you get disappointed.

I remember how
crushed you were

when you found out that
Santa Clause wasn't real.

You stayed up all night
in front of the chimney with

a Polaroid just to
prove me wrong.

Then when he
doesn't show up,

you refused to
open your presents.

I'd a lot of fun
with your train set...

Dad, he did show up.

My other camera was broken.

But that's not the point.

The point is,

I saw the space thing
fall from the sky.

I saw it and found it.

Just because it didn't
happen in your laboratory,

doesn't mean it's not real.

Marshall, the man
is a con artist.

Everything, and I
mean everything

in that museum is a hoax.

Even his name is phony.

You're wrong.

You're wrong and I'm
going to prove it.

Marshall!

Wait!

[SIGHS]

Well done, Edgar.
Well done.

Marshall,

I don't like this.

What're we looking for?

MARSHALL:
The fact was,
I didn't like it either.

I didn't know what
I was looking for.

But I had to prove
something to my Dad.

And myself.

MARSHALL: Whistle if you
hear something.

SIMON: Bigfoot.

[DOOR CREAKING]

No.

What is it?

What are those?

MARSHALL:
They're pie tins.

And that's how he makes
his Bigfoot prints.

Dad's right.

Yup.

Fake IDs.

I like it better when
I thought all this
stuff was real.

MARSHALL:
Simon is the master
of the understatement.

The more we looked,

the more we found,

until there was nothing
left of Professor Zircon.

"Operation Unidentified
Space Object"?

[INDISTINCT DEBATE]

MARSHALL:
It didn't surprise me that

the powers that be

would try to rook
the professor out
of our space thing

and use it for
their own purposes.

You drive a
hard bargain,
Professor.

On behalf of the
Eerie, Yoshizaki Consortium,

we're prepared
to make you

our final offer.

One million dollars

for sole ownership

of this space thing.

It's a deal.

MARSHALL:
Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hey, we're doing
business here.

Marshall.

It's a fake.

He's a fake.

What're you
talking about?

It's all in here.

This...

This is an outrage.
These are my personal files.

[BEEBOPPING]

"Operation Space Object

"will work best if we find

"a small, isolated town with

"an ineffective government
and an overbearing,
money grubbing Mayor."

Get that guy!

EDGAR:
How're you
feeling Marshall?

Crummy.

EDGAR: Yeah, I know
how it is.

I felt the same way after
the Iran-Contra Hearings.

You know how you said
I'd be disappointed

if I found out
there was no
Santa Clause?

Well, this is worse.

I never wanted to
be like Santa Clause,

riding around in a sleigh with
a reindeer and stuff, but...

But I really thought
Professor Zircon was
somebody I wanted to be.

Marshall,
sometimes in life,

it is going to seem like there's
nothing worth believing in.

But I want you to know,

there's one thing you
can always count on.

Something that's
never going to change.

That's the fact that
your mother and I love you.

No matter what.

[SIMON BLOWS NOSE]

Hey, Edgar.

Marshall,

I was just gonna
throw this away.

You want it?

Sure.

Take care of it.

SIMON: Even though
it's not real,

maybe we should still put
it in the evidence locker.

I was thinking
about that too.

NIGEL: Psst.

What're you doing here?

You're a...

You're a good kid and
you deserve a...

An explanation.

Well, I could complain
about my truck payments and

my alimony payments,

but the fact is
that I was...

I was going for
one big score

so that I could retire.

I'm tired of being the
Amazing Professor Zircon.

I just want to be
plain old Phil Zirconowitz.

But people look upto you.

They think all that
stuff is true.

People believe what
they want to believe.

There's no such thing

as UFOs or Bigfoot.

There most certainly is.

Oh, this is Claude. There's
something's the matter with him.

Hi.

CLAUDE: What's that thing?

It's your phony
Space Junk.

That's not the
space dealy I planted.

Mine was much
more realistic.

In fact, that thing
doesn't even blink.

What is it then?

Where did it
come from then?

[WHIRRING]

My, there's got to be a logical
explanation for all this.

NIGEL: I don't believe it.

SIMON: A real UFO.

It kind of looks like
a white dot on a
black background.

Well, at least it's proof.

MARSHALL: Our picture
looked like every other crummy
picture I'd ever seen of a UFO.

It could be
almost anything.

But for Simon and me, it
represented something
very important.

It allowed us to believe
in the unbelievable again.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]