01x05 - America's Scariest Home Video

[bunniefuu]

My name is Marshall Teller.

I knew my new hometown
was going to be different

from where I grew up
in New Jersey,

but this is ridiculous.

Nobody believes me,
but Eerie, Indiana

is the center of weirdness
for the entire planet.

[CAWING]

Item, Elvis lives
on my paper route.

Thank you, little paperboy.

Item, Big Foot eats
out of my trash.

Item, even man's best friend
is weird.

Still don't believe me?
You will.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MARSHALL: Back in Jersey,
Halloween was
my favorite holiday.

When else can a non-adult
wear a disguise and
roam around after dark,

forcing people to give
you candy for no good
reason and then trash

the house if they don't.

But here in Eerie,
things are different.

There's no telling who or
what you might bump into

around these parts.

Simon and I had to be
prepared for anything.

Camera?
Check.

Film?
Check.

Tape recorder?
Check.

Notebook?
Check.

Markers?
Check.

Swiss army knife?
Check.

Map of Eerie?
Check.

Signal mirror?
Check.

Flashlight?
Check.

Moist towelettes?

In case you
get egged.

Bug spray?

In case we get bugged.

Clean underwear?

In case we
get scared.

Garlic?

Wooden stake?

Holy water?

Check.

Check.

Check.

Well, that should cover
all major monster groups.

Time to suit up.

Affirmative.

SIMON:
This ought to
scare any monsters.

Can't forget the
video camera.

Who's running the world
while we trick or treat?

Better test it out.

MARSHALL:
Hey, it's time to test
the secret handshake.

SIMON:
Better weird than dead.

MARSHALL:
Ready George?

Ready any time
you are, Gorby.

MARSHALL:
Oh, we ready all right.

Ready for anything but for
what was about to happen.

We didn't know it yet but
we were in for the scariest
Halloween of all time.

And we weren't even going to
make it out of the house.

Simon and I were ready
to dive into the abyss.

But first, we had to say
adios to Harley,

Simon's little brother.

My mom was keeping an eye
on him till we got back.

See ya, Harley.

You boys be careful now.

And be back no later than
nine, do you understand?

Yes, Mom.

Thanks again for watching
my brother, Mrs. Teller.

Oh, you're
welcome, Simon.

Little Harley here is
no trouble at all.

SIMON:
I don't know
about that.

He manages to always
get me in trouble somehow.

Now listen, Harley,

you do what
Mrs. Teller
tells you to.

Understand?

Ow, dang it, Harley.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Oh, I'll get it.

C'mon Simon,
we've got work to do.

Hello.

BOTH: Whoa!

ALL: Trick or treat?

Yeah, yeah,
here's your candy.

Anybody tries a trick
is going to get nuked.

Read my lips.

No more candy.

Hang on, boys.

That was your
father on the phone.

He needs a ride home.
His car died again.

Stay here and watch
Harley till I get back.
But mom...

We've got places
to go, things to do.

Make Syndi
watch him.

Syndi is busy
cramming for a test.

She's upstairs
if you need her.

But mom, listen--
Marshall!

I will be back with your
father as soon as I can.

Until then, I need you boys
to be responsible for Harley.

Now, whatever you do,

do not let him
out of your sight.

Yes, Mom.

We're having
some fun now.

Wait a minute.

I got a brilliant idea.

What are we
gonna do?

Harley doesn't know it yet

but he's about to
make us $10,000.

He is?

Okay, here's the plan.

We fake Harley here doing
a little baby slapstick.

You know, something
stupid or weird.

Get it on video and

throw it on that
home video show.

And voila!

We're on prime-time.

Stuffing our pockets full of
ten thousand simoleons.

I like it.

Boys,

I want you to meet Godzilla
and Mothra, my science project.

I'm studying insanity
in the animal kingdom.

These lizards are crazy?

You would be too if you
were a chameleon on
dayglo colored rocks.

That ought to get you
an "A" for sure.

Pay attention Harley,

you could learn something.

We'll save the science lessons
for later.

Right now, there's
money to be made.

Simon, you go
operate camera.

Right, boss.

Hey, Harley.

Do you like to
hold Godzilla?

Zoom in so you
can't see me.

Feels weird, huh?

Did you ever feel
a lizard before?

Did you ever

taste a lizard before?

Marshall, no!

Simon, what'd you
do that for?

I wasn't going to
let him swallow it.

Oh. Sorry.

Whatever you do,
just keep rolling
while I find Godzilla.

Here, Godzilla.

Here, boy.

[WHISTLES]

Hey, Godzilla

Hey, Godzilla

Here boy.

He's in my pants.

Get him out.

[SIMON AND HARLEY LAUGHING]

An oblete spheroid.

Think.

Think Stanley Binkerman.

Right, kinda
round and squishy.

Okay, um,
a trapezoid.

Think Danny Melman.
Oh, man! Get it out of my pants.

Right, kinda square.

Did you find Mothra?

Yeah, he made it
as far as my sock.

Guess it could've
been worse.

Maybe this isn't
such a good idea.

MARSHALL:
Maybe Simon was right.

Maybe this wasn't
such a good idea.

We decided maybe we
should do something

safe and mindless until
my parents came home

and rescued us from Harley.

So we turned on the TV.

Luckily, a classic
was on Eerie cable.

So while I hooked
the cam-recorder up
to tape the movie,

Simon demobilized Harley

with the old bowling ball
and chain routine.

He's not going anywhere.

You be a good boy Harley and
watch the nice mummy movie.

If you get in any more trouble,
mummy's going to get you.

Understand?

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMS]

[EERIE MUSIC]

[MICROWAVE BEEPING]

Sorry about Harley.

Uh, I'll get over it.

Here, pass me the popcorn.

I wonder if lizards
like popcorn.

Don't know.

Worth experimenting.

[GROWLING]

[THUNDERCLAP]

What was that?

Harley.

Where'd he go?

Harley?
Harley?

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

Harley?

Harley?

You wait here while I
search the rest of the house.

Marshall, look.

Uh-oh.

Dang it, Harley.

What're you
doing in there?

You knucklehead,
get out of there.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

If Harley's in
the mummy movie,

then where's the...

BOTH: Mummy!

[SCREAMING]

Get outta here!
Go! Go! Go!

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

This isn't happening.
This isn't happening.
This isn't happening.

Marshall, no.
Snap out of it.

Harley and Syndi
are still in there.

We gotta go in
and get them.

Marshall, no.
You can't go
back in there.

It's too dangerous.

It will just
k*ll you too.

GIRL: Those guys
are so weird.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

ALL:
Trick-or-treat,
smell our feet,

give us something
good to eat.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

All right.

Okay, there's plenty
of icky-sticky bars
here for everyone.

SYNDI: Happy Halloween.
Thank you.

SYNDI: Happy Halloween.

Cute outfit.
Did your mom make that?

You're alive.

Brilliant deduction, Holmes.

What're you guys
doing out there?

Supposed to be in here
passing out the treats
so I can study.

And where's Harley?

What?

[SHRIEKS]

Geez, you scared me to death.

God, didn't your mama ever
tell you not to sneak up
on people like that?

My heart is going


Cool costume.

Aren't you a little bit old
to be trick or treating?

MARSHALL:
Well, uh...

He's just a big kid.

Gland problems.

Oh...

Well, have two.

Okay, happy Halloween everyone.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

ALL: Bye!

Bye.

[DOOR CREAKING]

From now on, you guys
answer the door. Understand?

And where is Harley?

Harley?

SYNDI: Yeah, Harley.

About this tall,
same mom as Simon.

Well...

To tell you the truth,

he's in the TV.

Yeah, and I'm on Pluto.

Listen, from now on
you guys keep an
eye on him

and answer the door
until mom gets home.

And no matter what,

don't disturb me
unless it's an emergency.

Keep the door closed
so the fog doesn't get in, okay?

Space,

the final frontier.

Honey, any luck?

Okay, try it.

[ENGINE SPLUTTERING]

Edgar, come back
inside the car.

It's not a good night to be
stuck on the side of the road.

Marshall, look.

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

Poor lady.

She doesn't
stand a chance.

Harley?

Harley?

Harley Schwarzenegger Holmes,

you leave that poor
lady alone right now

or I'm going to
come in there and
blister your butt.

Do you hear me?

Oh, he's really
scared now.

How'd he get in
there anyhow?

Does the word
mega-eerie-voodoo- weirdness
mean anything to you?

Check it out.

Teeth marks.

Yup.

It's Harley all right.

The teeth marks match
where he bit me
the last time I had to babysit.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who is it?

[GROWLING]

MUMMY: Trick or treat?

Just a minute.

Remember Dead End Kids
Plan 39?

Come and get it.

Hey, duct tape for brains.

[WHISPERING]
Plan 39.
Plan 39.

Ouch.

BOTH: Ouch?

Trick or treat?

Sorry I'm
out of candy.

Meow.

Bow-wow.

Oh, Edgar...

Doesn't this remind you
of that time we drove

all the way
to Princeton

just to see Close Encounters
of the Third Kind?

We never did
see that movie.

We never did.

KIDS:
Trick or treat?

What I wouldn't do for
a dozen eggs right now.

Edgar, shut up
and kiss me.

[GIRL FREAKISHLY LAUGHING]

Well, that's it.

No, that's it.

Honey, honey, honey,
what are you doing?

Nobody does that
to Edgar Teller.

I'm married to a...

Show yourselves,
you cowards!

Honey!

Oh, that's right!

Yeah, I'd like to see you
try that again!

Edgar, are you okay?

Ready?

Got you covered, partner.

Wait.
What?

What if there's some kind of
curse for unwrapping a mummy?

I just want a peek.

Besides, if there
is a curse,

it can't be worse
than what our parents
are gonna do to us

when they find out
we traded Harley for
King Tut breath here.

It's... It's...

Boris Von Orloff!

You're an actor.

Actor? Actor?

Sir Boris Von Orloff.

International star
of stage and screen.

You're also dead.

Dead? Really?

For how long?
For about 50 years.

You know, I thought
I remembered dying.

Had some bad
shellfish one night.

Next morning I
was reincarnated

in one of my
most memorable roles.

The Bloody Revenge
of the Mummy's Curse?

Classic. Yes, classic.

Been stuck in
that role ever since.

Of course, I always knew my
memory will live on in my films.

But this is ridiculous.

Of course.

He's not a
real mummy.

He's an actor.

I've been kidnapped
by geniuses.

Sorry about your head.
Wow.

Never thought I'd
see a mummy,

a dead person

and a movie star,
all in one day.

All in one guy.

Where am I anyway?

A little town called
Eerie, Indiana.

Better known as
Weirdness Central.

Quaint.

Now tell me, how did
I come to be in this

dreary little corner
of the universe?

And what's more important,
how do I get out of here?

That's a good question.

I have some ideas.

But first we've got to
get you out of this chair.

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

Heavens to Megratroid!

What is that detestable little
yard ape doing in my movie?

He's ruining it.

You should see what
he does to my bedroom.

What did you say this
projector in a bottle is called?

Television.

Truly dreadful invention.

I do hope it
never catches on.

Maybe the videotape
has some answers.

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

The video camera's
been recording everything.

If I rewind it,

I should be able to
see what happened.

If we reproduce
exactly what Harley did,

I should be able
to switch you back.

That's it!

That's got to be it!

Harley was standing in
front of the video camera,

watching the
mummy movie.

And when he bit down
on the remote control,

he caused some kind of video
feedback timewarp zapping thing.

Of course. Why didn't
I think of that?

Simon, quick,

pull up that chair.
Mom and dad will
be home any minute.

Okay Simon,

when I give
you the word,

shove the remote in
Mr. Orloff's mouth,

but Boris, don't
bite down till I say so?

Look, I've been thinking

maybe I was a bit
harsh in judging your
fine little metropolis.

Maybe we should postpone
this zapping thing
you were talking about.

I could use a
little vacation.

Being in that musty old mummy
movie all those years...

Well, it can be a bit
tedious, you know.

All that foot shuffling
and moaning and such.

Not to mention the fact that

I haven't had a chance to
visit that little boy's room

in 50 years.

Thanks Simon.

Remember Boris,
don't bite down
till I say so.

Better hurry up.
The movie's almost over.

Stop him.
He's a monster.

Get me back in there before
he wipes out my entire career.

SIMON:
The cable box!

The channel changed.
What are we gonna do?

Why do I have a feeling
this is not a good thing?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Now what?

Marshall,

quit goofing around
with your friends and
answer the door.

Who was that?

Your worst nightmare.

I'm getting it!
I'm getting it!

Find the right
channel and fast.

Trick or treat?

BOY:
Yeah. Lets get out of here.

Oh, no.

Anything but them.

I must not be
living right.

So many channels,

so little to watch.

BOTH: Shut up!

That's it.
That's it.
Back-up!

I almost missed the
house in this fog.

How do you suppose
this got up here?

Now! Now! Now!

MARYLIN:
Hi boys.

Sorry we took so long.

We got lost
in the fog.

Some kindergardners
egged the car.

I was waiting for your
mother to jump start me.

It's the last time I go out
on Halloween
without any candy.

MARYLIN:
Did little Harley
give you any trouble?

Harley?

Trouble?

Kid's a saint.

Salt of the earth.

Anything good on
the old boob tube?

You do not
want to know.

[LAUGHING]

MARSHALL:
Simon and I did never
go out that Halloween night.

We had enough adventure
for ten men right there
in my own living room.

We did learn
three things though.

Never trust a six year old,

never bite a remote control,

and never, never leave

videotape evidence
lying around where your
parents might find it.

As for Sir Boris Von Orloff,

he finally got that vacation
he was looking for.

[WAVES SPLASHING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]