01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR:
Ah, the map again.

We last saw our heroes
on the back of an eagle,

valiantly fighting
Death Adder's minions.

It was going well
until Hampton was pushed off

- by the Bad Brothers,
- [screaming]

and Gilius
leapt after in pursuit.

Now all four of them
are going to

hit the ground and die.

This could be a short show.

♪ ♪

[Hampton screaming]

[mock screaming]
That's what you sound like.

We're plummeting to our deaths!

Yeah, but you're the only one
making a big deal about it.

Enough!
Let's show this screaming child

the Brother Ball!

What's a Brother Ball?

- Brother Ball, go!
- Brother Ball, go!

[grunting]

Aah... Oh!

[all shouting]

Brother ball, very nice.

It actually smells
really good in here.

[all shouting]

[grunting]

[sighs]

That seemed like
it shouldn't have worked.

ROOSTER:
It sorta did, it sorta didn't.

Please don't run away.

- [yelps]
- Come on,

we just Brother Balled.

All right, Hampton!

Now, I wonder
how I'm gonna land.

Aah! Mountain!

[grunting, shouting]

Aah! Ow...

Aah!

[laughs]

Sorry, Death. You'll have to
try harder than that

to stop Gilius Thunder--

Aah...!

[thump]

[sighs]

I think I lost 'em.

ROOSTER: Who did you lose?

What? How did you find me?

Uh, we didn't go anywhere.

Next time,
just run straight and far.

- Don't try to get creative.
- Thanks for the advice,

but you're the ones
who'll need to flee,

for I wield the Emerald Blade!

Dang it.
This thing just worked.

Come on.
You're embarrassing me

in front of my captors.

Come here.

- Oh, sh*t!
- Aah!

Aah!

[all screaming]

GILIUS: Ugh, so injured.

Don't you dare die, Thunderhead.

[groans, grunts]

Oh, f*ck.

♪ ♪

Aah!

NARRATOR: You know, I dreamt
I was in a video game once,

but I was naked
and my mom was there and--

You know what, let's focus
on what's happening here.

Ax and Chronos regroup
at a nearby port village

as Tyris searches
for a delicate way to deliver

the news of Gilius' fate.

Chicken Leg,
Gilius jumped off the eagle

and probably died.

Come now, Tyris,
if I know anyone

who can jump off an eagle
and survive, it's me.

Oh, and Gilius.

You have two choices:
search for him and fail

or join us on our quest.

[laughs]

What a strange bird.
I like him.

Chicken Leg is a fool.
Going after Gilius

just cost him a chance at glory.

Wait, do you really think
what we're doing

is more important
than what Gilius is doing?

Of course.
In every great story

there are heroes who do
big, important things-- us--

and lesser heroes
who do small, trivial things--

everyone else, including Gilius.

Oh, my.
You really don't know.

Tyris, we are on a side quest.

Gilius is on the side quest.

He left us.

Right. And since then,
he found the Emerald Blade,

the chosen one who can wield it,

and Death Adder has sent
the Bad Brothers after him.

That's a main quest to me.

But...

...no.

Tyris makes an excellent point.

Help! Help!
I am in search of heroes.

This is a matter
of grave importance.

It's a good thing
you have nine lives,

because you're about to die
from embarrassment.

You're not very good at insults.

Hmm.

Helpless villager,
how may we assist you?

Thank the gods. Someone
has tipped over all my cows

and I cannot get them back up.

Quickly, we must hurry
before their milk spoils.

Oh, no!
Not the main quest milk!

You really have to stop.
She will k*ll you.

GILIUS: What are you thinking,
you idiot?

I don't know why
the blade chose you.

Your feet make a weird
slapping sound when you walk.

These are all real things
I've said to you, Hampton.

- ROOSTER: Bash Ax, bash Tyris,
- [gasps]

- which leaves bash Gilius.
- [grunts]

- Wh-What's going on?
- ROOSTER: Hey, You're awake!

My brother and I are playing
bash, bash, bash. You want in?

I just dreamed
you ripped my arm off.

Don't worry, that wasn't
a dream. That was real.

I saw your shoulder bone.

Then how am I okay?

ROOSTER: You were dipped
in the Spring of Restoration.

The Spring of Restoration?

Ooh!
Rooster, he hasn't heard of it.

- Story time!
- Story time!

Ages ago, this mountain
was the home

of a powerful giant
named Dark Guld

who dared to battle the gods.

BRUISER:
Using magic, he spawned

- a skeleton army--
- Wait, how are you

- making those shadows?
- With my hands.

And sometimes my fingers.

That's really intricate.

Pretty good, right? We left out
a part about a two-eyed cyclops

because it doesn't
really matter to the story.

A two-eyed cyclops
is just a guy.

It's a two-eyed cyclops who
doesn't matter to the story!

Anyway...

BRUISER:
Dark Guld and his skeleton army

k*lled an ancient god whose

body got all smooshed up

with the mountain rivers.

ROOSTER: Thus forming
the Spring of Restoration,

capable of healing
all who soak in it.

BRUISER:
And that is the story of...

why you have both your arms.

That was unbelievable
shadow puppetry!

Why are you two
working as henchmen?

You don't exactly
quit working for a demon lord.

They can get
pretty snippy about it.

Are you complaining
that Death Adder isn't nice?

Ugh. No matter
how many good guys we bash,

Death Adder's never happy.

That sounds a lot like Gilius.

Really? Does he also force you
to round up stray puppies

to grind their bones into powder
to sprinkle on his food?

What?! Gods, no!

Gilius pretended we were friends

until Ax and Tyris showed up
on the back of an eagle

and then acted like
he didn't know me.

Wow, that is almost
worse than the puppies.

And he said my feet

make a weird slapping sound
when I walk.

Really? Weird.
I hadn't noticed that.

Wait, are we finding
common ground?

I told you,
these pools heal all.

Now sleep.

You'll need
to be rested tomorrow

for when we take you to
Death Adder so he can k*ll you.

And don't listen in
on our private conversations.

They're private.

Are you gonna
talk about your hammers?

I said it's private!

Stay close.

These caves
belonged to Dark Guld.

Some believe his spirit
still haunts them.

You're just trying to scare me
so I don't run away.

And it's...

not gonna work!

- Huh, a straight line.
- He learns quick.

Oh... Oh!

- We can't stop!
- Aah!

[armor clattering]

[low growling]

- Dark Guld.
- Dark Guld.

Who darest trod in my cave?

We are the Bad Brothers.
We serve Death Adder.

He charged us to bring this
scrawny boy to him,

so if you release us
I'm sure he'll reward you with--

Death Adder shall
gain no aid from I!

For where wast he

when the gods
tore me limb from limb

and imprisoned me
within this mountain?

Maybe he was sharpening his axe.

Or napping after
a very large meal.

Ooh, I'd like
to change my guess to that.

DARK GULD:
Silence!

I haft been spurned

by all who once I held dearly

in mine bosom.

Left to rot

in fetid solitude.

Is anyone else having trouble
understanding him?

Yeah, he talks very funny.

This is how the living spoke

in the times before
mine mind and flesh

were fettered in this cave.

Thou art the ones

who inspire the jester's laugh
in my soul.

[scoffs]
You sound funny to me.

Hey look, Dark Guld, I can tell

you don't like these guys,

which is great,

because I'm not with them,
so you can let me go.

- I shall merrily do so.
- Great.

If you defeat mine monsters
in a duel to the death!

Aw.

You have a choice:

fight alone
and earn your freedom

or fight
alongside the Bad Brothers

and all three of you
shall go free.

- There is safety in numbers.
- I think I'd be safer

without the guys who want
to hand me over to Death Adder.

Ugh. I just met you
and I can already tell

you're gonna hold that
against us forever.

I choose to fight alone.

- [both grunt]
- DARK GULD: Show him the arena!

[crowd clamoring, shouting]

[yells]

- [man cackles]
- That was crazy timing

on opening that door.
Is there just always

someone fighting in here?

Pretty much.

[crowd cheering, chanting]

It's not too late
for us to fight as a team.

We even came up with
a good name:

Hampton and the Bad Brothers.

It's a good name,
it's a really good name.

Thanks. You know, it just
kind of came to me, really.

But no, I need to do this alone.

Giant scorpion again?

No, brother, look!

It's a giant scorpion

with a sword tied to its tail.

BRUISER:
Oh, that is different.

Oh my gods, it's huge!

And that sword is redundant!

- Aah!
- [cheering]

[whimpers]

Stay back, or else.

[exclaiming]

Jump on its back.

That's a terrible idea.

They can't all be winners.

[roars]

There's no way
this is gonna work!

[exclaiming]

Aah!

- [grunts] I did it!
- [crowd exclaims]

He didn't do it.
The scorpion did it.

- [booing]
- Aw...

DARK GULD:
Well fought, Hampton.

Yet the cessation
ofst thou trials

is yet in the distance
ofst time... st.

Huh?

Ugh. You have to
fight another opponent.

Yeah, I sort of figured it
wasn't just a big scorpion,

'cause, uh, I mean,
no offense, but, basic.

He had a sword on his tail!
Which... was his undoing,

but still, that's not basic.
Now, behold...

...Death Armor.

[hooting, cheering]

- Aah!
- Yes. I love him.

I love him so.

[grunts]

Tyris! I have untipped
more cows than you.

[laughs]
I am winning.

If you want to talk about it,
I'm right by your side...

quest. [laughs]

Not every important quest
starts with excitement.

There is more to this
than meets the eye.

- You stepped in cow sh*t.
- [grumbles]

- [squish]
- AX: Tyris, Chronos.

I have found an
ancient artifact under a cow.

By heavens.
You have found the golden key.

It was thought
to be lost forever.

- Ha-ha!
- [grunts]

Pray tell,
what does this unlock?

My cold weather clothes.

You must help defeat
the moths that lie in wait.

Winter is approaching.

Fear not the winter. [grunts]

- Well, this feels important.
- Ugh.

[cheering]

How the heck am I supposed
to defeat magical armor?

- [grunts]
- [crowd cheering, exclaiming]

Okay, okay, help me.

Wh-What are you doing?

Using you as bait.
Hold still.

HAMPTON:
How is that helping me?

Trust us.

Aah!

Aah! [grunts]

- It's bash time!
- It's bash time!

You had your hammers?

Why did you need
to hold me against the cage?

[grunting]

My baby!

[booing, jeering]

[grunts, cries]

Wow, you guys hit him a lot.

Thank you, Hampton.
You allowed us to fight,

which means we will now be free.

Yeah, free to take me
to Death Adder.

Hampton, Rooster and I
have decided

to not take you to Death Adder.

You saved our lives.

And now we have
deaded things together.

Those are the acts of a brother.

A Bad Brother!
You are one of us now.

Here you go.

Congratulations.

You hath defeated mine armor.

You shall have your freedom.

Great.

If thou defeats

one last foe.

Aw.

Me!

Okay fine, we'll fight you,

but you better not
be another mini boss.

You better be the final one!

- [crowd cheering]
- [grunting]

So many hands but none of them

are being used
for something nice,

like art.
So sad.

[grunting]

Aah!

[laughs] Aah!

I have been meaning
to replace mine arm.

Yours will do nicely.

Back off, you psychopath.
[grunting]

Whoa! [grunts]

Yield.

Ha!
What canst thou do

with such a pitiful weapon?

The last time someone doubted me
this blade shined true.

Prepare to taste the power
of the chosen one.

[laughs]

- [scoffs]
- [grunts]

What are the rules
of this thing?

[shouts]

[grunting]

Whoa! You guys are really
good with those hammers.

Please don't talk to us
while we're fighting!

[shouts]

Oh...!

- [exclaiming]
- What happened?

Who snuffed out the torches?
Where am I? [grunts]

We did it!

I chopped off a head!

We're free! [retches]

Ah, a post-battle relief vomit.

Always a good feeling.

You did good, Hampton.

DARK GULD: Oh, did he, now?

Are you kidding me?

- [crowd cheers]
- DARK GULD: Did I not

tell thee?
The Spring of Restoration

bestowed upon me a gift--
an eternity

where I will never taste death.

I remain standing.

Thou hast not
obtained thine freedom.

You promised.

[cackles]
Didst thou think

thou could trust me?

Your foolish countenance
is outweighed

only by your feeble mind.

My mind is not feeble!
You take that back.

Or what shall you do--

prick me with your
magical dagger of impotence?

You fill me to the brim
with derisive mirth.

[cackles]

Stop it.
Stop being derisive right now!

You're almost as bad as Gilius!

Who is Gilius?

Aah!

[grunting]

Whoa!

When we get out of here, you
and I are gonna have a long talk

about how you decide
when to work,

and I expect a real answer.

We have to get out of here.

Quickly, throw the rope.

What am I doing?

I'm sorry,
but I have to leave you here.

I can't trust you.
I can't trust anyone.

What?
Is this because of Dark Guld?

You're bad guys.

You're gonna turn on me, eventually.

We're not bad guys,
we're Bad Brothers.

So? Gilius is a good guy and
he can't treat me with respect.

How can I expect
any more of you?

We are not Gilius.

I'm sorry,
but I have to do this.

Geez, Gilius
really did a number on him.

Oh, for sure.

AX: Ah. I have finished
polishing the armor!

By the gods, you are
one handsome barbarian,

Ax Battler.
So dreamy.

So, we untipped the cows,
organized the wardrobe,

cleaned the stables,
fed the chickens.

Ugh! I admit it.
We're on a side quest.

[laughs]

Oh, Tyris. This isn't even
a side quest anymore.

We're doing a farmer's chores.

What did he cook in this thing?

Are you saying this villager

has been taking advantage of us?

Help! Please!

My breakfast has grown cold.

I need a hero who can
harness the power of fire

to warm my eggs.

Hmm. I think I can help.

[crying]

No!

That was a little harsh.

Chronos, please. He wasn't
taking advantage of us.

He was clearly
one of Death Adder's minions

sent to distract us from
the main quest: aiding Gilius.

[whispers]:
Do you think she really

- thinks that?
- [whispers]: Shut up.

Gilius!

[growls]

Shoo! Shoo!
Get out of here!

[growls, chuffs]

Gilius!

How the heck did you get here?

My gods, you jumped
off the eagle to save me?

I was wrong about you.

Which means...

Oh, no-- the Bad Brothers.

We need to get you somewhere.

[grunts]
Wow, you are

a lot heavier than you look.

And you look really heavy.

VIDEO GAME GILIUS:
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

HAMPTON: Gilius! Gilius.

Gilius. You're back.

Ha-Hampton?
I-I'm alive!

I'm alive!
[laughs]

I did it! I did i--
I cheated death!

All I had to do was admit
I couldn't do it alone,

which, of course, is a lie!

I can do anything alone.
And I do.

Actually, Gilius--

Chicken Leg!
Thank the gods you're here!

I couldn't do this without you.

We're all back together.
How did you find us?

Chicken Leg,
Gilius has jumped off the eagle.

MAN:
Your quest is a noble one.

I hope you find your friends.

WOMAN:
Oh, Chicken Leg.

WOMAN 2:
What?!

You found the amulet?
How?!

MAN 2: I don't agree
with your methods, Chicken Leg,

but I can't argue the results.
Put 'er there!

He must have walked.

MAN:
Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!

Chirp.

[production theme]