03x03 - Monstera

[bunniefuu]

Oh, f*ck off.

Oh, f*ck' gross.

Oh, my God.

[Colin on video] Oh, and then
John came to me and he said,

"You know, we should call
ourselves the Four Dickheads."

And I said, "No, let's call
ourselves the Beatles."

-[Chelsea laughs]
And that's what we did.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[Laughs] Your voice...

- What the hell?
- [Phone chimes]

Ooh!

Argh!

f*ck' nightmare.

[Cup clatters on floor]

[Phone rings]

Hi... Hello. Hi.

- Hey, Ashy. How are you?
- Good, good.

How was the rest of
your birthday?

It was really nice. Yeah,
it was really good. Thanks.

Um, in fact,
that's why I was calling.

I just wanted to, uh, address
the whole cool room situation.

Mmm. Yeah. Mm-hm.

Just 'cause I'm in
a relationship, you know.

Uh, yeah, man. So am I.

Of course. Um...

So, yeah, I just wanted to
clear the air, really,

and, um,

you know, Chelsea's moving in.

It's getting a bit serious, so
I can't really be kissing exes.

Yeah. Uh...

- Nor can I, man.
- Of course.

Uh, did you tell David about it?

I... did not.

[Cup clatters on floor]

Did you tell Chelsea?

I don't think she needs to know.

- I agree.
- Okay, so, good.

So, you know, I just feel like

we've got a bit of a monster
under the bed, you know,

and, um, I think
we just need to,

you know, drag it out
and really shine a light on it

and just, you know, rip it apart
so it dies.

- Fun.
- Yeah.

So, do... do you have any space
for maybe dinner tonight?

We could... - Oh.
- [Door opens]

Um...

Ah! Mr. Walters, sorry,
sorry, sorry. I just...

- Can you just wait outside?
- Oh?

- Can you wait outside?
- [Door closes]

Never mind. Never mind.
Um, sorry.

Wait one second.
[Laughs awkwardly]

Um, so would Chelsea know
that dinner is with me?

What?

Just... just sit down.

[Gordon] Uh, look, honestly,

Chelsea's in Melbourne for work,

so I probably won't tell her,

but if she was here,
I would tell her, no problem.

- [Chelsea] Surprise!
- f*ck' hell! Hey!

- [Chelsea laughs]
- That's her, isn't it?

Oh, um, okay, sorry, yeah,
so we're on for dinner, Jared,

but it is work, mate,
it's work, okay?

No, f*ck you, man.
I'm not doing that.

No, mate, we are on and, uh,
I'll send you the deets later.

Ciao, brah.

Mm-hm.

So sorry.

Uh, beg your pardon,
Mr. Walters.

Yeah. Uh, how are you today?

What do you think of this?

[Sighs exasperatedly]

Why are you doing that?

[Theme music]

Just a bit of an upgrade
from your fiddly fig.

- That's very 2016.
- [Gordon] Is it?

Hello, boy!

[Chelsea kisses] Mmm!

I-I thought you were gonna be
in Melbourne till Friday.

- Because I...
- Yeah, I was.

But, um, one of the partners

broke their spine,

so they pushed all the meetings.

- 0h, my God, I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, it's fine.

Surprise!

- Surprise! [Laughs]
- [Chelsea laughs]

- Mwah!
- Hey, yeah, yeah.

Now, I know you haven't done
the flea b*mb yet.

- So I'm not like moving moving.
- Right.

But I just thought
I'd bring some stuff over,

get a jump on it.

Well, but, yeah,
the movers are coming

Saturday week, though, no?

- No. This Saturday.
- Hmm.

It's in our shared calendar.

Oh, I don't check that.

I... I write everything down.
I like analogue.

Would you prefer to move
to a different system?

Uh... no.

- I mean, do we need a system?
- Yeah, we do.

If we are living together,
then, yeah, we do.

- Right.
- Like, your dinner tonight.

I like to know that stuff.

Yeah, but you were meant to be
in Melbourne,

so I'm not sure
of the rules then.

- How does that work?
- What?

You're being odd and a bit cold.

No, I'm not. I just...

I don't like another thing
in my phone

that I have to, you know, check,
and then, plus,

I thought I had a bit more time
before "the big move".

Why are you doing quote fingers?
You've had 46 years, Gordon.

- Just figure it out.
- Yeah.

Also, cancel
your dinner tonight.

They're dropping their buffs
on Survivor.

I don't... We don't need another
toaster. I have a toaster.

I am celiac.

Gordon, I don't want
our crumbs touching.

[Whines quizzically]

Right.

- Is this an indoor plant?
- Yeah.

It feels very present,
doesn't it?

Yeah.

- Uh, Friday, dry.
- Mm.

- Plus blood.
- Mmm.

Saturday, loose.

Sunday, loose.

Uh, blood is back.

Oh. Okay.

Uh, Monday, absolutely nothing.

Rough.

[Phone buzzes]

Tuesday, that's when
it starts to get interesting.

Much more structure.

Wednesday, "Wonderful"
is what I've written here.

[Ashley exhales]

Thursday, absolutely buggered.

I didn't make it.

Did you get all of that?

I did. Yeah.

[Phone buzzes]

Well, sometimes, you know,

uh, it can come and go a bit.

[Mr. Walters] Mm.

[Ashley exhales]

Sorry.

If you are seeing this video,

I have been m*rder*d.

Don't weep for me.

Organize...

I'm so sorry, Mr. Walters.

I have a family emergency,
so I-I've got to go.

Well, it's all right.
I can wait.

No, no, no. No.
Uh, you have to go.

[Laughs awkwardly]

Go! Yes. Take your sh*t.

Get up. Go, mate.

[Quirky music]

Pam, I'm fine.

Yes. False alarm.

See you at yoga.

Ohh.

Oh, they've locked me out now

for violating
community guidelines.

What rot!

I-I still don't understand

what you were trying to do.

- [Phone rings]
- Oh! Mario? Yep.

We uploaded it by accident.

Yep. Bye.

Can you put your phone
on silent?

- Donna hasn't called.
- Mm-hm.

[Lynelle] Oh, darling!

It was all for my followers.

Lee and I thought
we'd give them a call to action

in the event of my passing.

You know,
just to keep the movement alive.

There have been...
some recent death threats

that have... come through
all of my groups.

Sorry, why are you
getting death threats?

Oh, well,
I'm a very prominent figure

in the men's rights
movement, darling,

and death threats
just come with the territory.

Who's... who's threatening you?

Well, there's WAM,
and there's WAWAWAM.

What are you saying?

WAM, Women Against Men, classic
femmos, don't like me, obvi.

And now there's Women Against
Women Against Women Against Men,

WA... WA... WAM.

These are not our groups.

I think they like it WAWAWAM.

Okay, I'm not really sure
how they like it.

They're very big girls, though.

Ohh, but there's just
so many movements now.

I mean, we've got KAWAM,
Kids Against Women Against Men.

That's for our junior members.

[Lynelle] But then
it just gets silly.

There's PAPAP, People
Against People Against People,

which doesn't even make sense.

- No, that's poofters.
- You can't say poofters, Lee.

Poofters Against People
Against People?

No. Poofters Against People
Against Poofters.

- [Lynelle] Oh, that's okay.
- Or is it pedos?

Lee, what the f*ck, man?

[Lynelle] Everyone's
against pedos.

We're against pedos.
Oh, God, I just...

I need a cup of tea with
a white wine chaser.

[Lee] There's just
so much outrage,

and your mother is at
the very epicenter of it all.

[Ashley] Sorry,
did someone actually say

that they were going to
m*rder you?

Yes.

Look, here, I'll show you.

Too close.

Look, look, here.
"You're a f*ck."

Well, that's lovely, isn't it?

"Go f*ck a horse."

Oh! That's a bit off topic.

Here.
"You should k*ll yourself."

That's not exactly a death
threat, though, is it, Mum?

"You should k*ll yourself"
absolutely is.

You should k*ll yourself.
They're not gonna to do it.

Jesus Christ, you guys,
I canceled patients for this!

[Lee] Oh. Daughters
Against Mothers Against...

- Shut up. Can you shut up?
- Well, can I?

Yes. Will I? No.

Man of the house.

[Lynelle] Risotto tonight?

I've got some lovely pecorino
from the markets.

Um... No, thanks, Mum.

Why? What are you doing?

I might be going to
hash things out with Gordon.

[Lee] Oh-h*-h*-h*!

I don't know. Maybe.

[Lynelle] Oh, does David know?

No, he doesn't.

Please don't tell him.

God, you're a loose one.

- Still nothing from Donna.
- [Lee] No.

Oh! She's actually liked it.

- You're joking?
- [Lee] No.

[Lynelle] Oh, my gosh.

Bye.

- [Lynelle] Oh.
- Love you.

- [Lynelle] She did like it.
- Love you too.

- [Lee] Strange.
- Donna Against Lynelle.

[Quirky music]

[Door opens]

-[App pings] -[Door
closes] [Chelsea] I'm back!

[Gordon] Hey!

Hey!

[Gordon] What...

What, uh... What is this?
What's this?

Well... [Grunts]

[Exhales]

You said you wanted
to go analogue.

Does not get much simpler
than this.

This isn't really
what I had in mind.

Did you want to go back to
the calendar app on the phone?

- No, not really.
- Oh, okay. So we'll do this.

Yeah, but, Chels, what
if I forget to write it down?

Like, what if I go for a run
and I don't write that down?

Runs don't matter.
Plus, you don't run.

- Yeah, but I could run.
- No, you couldn't.

- Okay.
- What?

So let me just
walk you through it.

I think
our individual activities

should be in a primary color.

So you pick red or blue.

I'll take whatever's left.

And then for our
joint activities,

we'll put them in purple

because red and blue
make purple.

This feels a bit much.

It's actually not.

You just pick red or blue.

Yeah, but do you understand?
Like, red is such a big vibe.

Like, if I pick red,
then I'm red.

I'm the red guy. You know?

And blue's entirely different.
Like, if I...

But I can't pick it now
because I'm the red guy.

Why was orange
discarded so quickly?

- Why are you being so avoidant?
- I'm not being...

Why are you being
so controlling?

I'm not being controlling.

I just want you to pick a color

so that we can communicate

our individual activities
and have an easy life.

I don't understand your issue.

I'm sorry,
I just don't understand

why you want me to,
like, pick a color.

Like, it's a...
It's a bit full-on.

You haven't even seen full-on,
Gordon.

I've done a lot of therapy to
stop you from seeing full-on.

Sorry, I just didn't know
you were moving in today.

I am not.

- I just brought my monstera.
- What the f*ck is that?

- Oh. The plant.
- My plant, Gordon.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

But, look,
I haven't flea-bombed yet,

so it's, like, you can't move in
till I do that.

Yeah, and I can't sleep on your
mattress because of my back.

- You know that.
- Right, okay.

So you're not moving in today?
So I can go out tonight?

Where are you going?

- It's... it's a work thing.
- [Gasps]

Oh, come on,
I'm great at work things.

It's... it's a dinner with Jared.
We're trying to close a deal.

Oh, come...
Come on, I am the closer.

Plus, Jared loves me.

I know, but it's a set menu.

It's one of those restaurants
and there's no substitutions.

I already checked.

And you're a celiac,

so, you know, you'd have
to eat wheat, probably.

Definitely.

Sorry.

[Sighs] That's okay.

Um...

Whatever. Just pick a color.

- Blue. Hang on, red.
- Just...

- Red.
- Great.

I will be blue.

Together, we are...

Purple.

Is there something
you wanna tell me?

No. What do you... No.

- Oh.
- What?

Everything's good.
Come here, come here.

No. It's fine, I'm good.

[Gordon] Okay.

[Chelsea sighs]

Okay. What's today? Thursday.

[Gordon] Uh, Thursday today,
I think. Let me check.

[Chelsea] Put that here.

Thursday.

[Message whooshes]

Okay, so you've got a dinner.

- What? Okay.
- And then Survivor.

- All right.
- Which you're missing.

[Quirky percussive music]

[Sighs]

[Quirky music continues]

[Door closes]

Ooh!

The sexy scent.
I remember that one.

What are you doing here, James?
Get off my bed.

I'm gonna hit the PlayStation
with Davey boy.

Oh, really? That sounds sick.

What's this I hear about you
seeing Gordon later?

Oh, that's
none of your business.

- [Chuckles]
- [James] Ooh.

Playing with fire, sis.

Excuse me?

David's a good guy.

I know he's a good guy.

So treat him right.

Are you kidd...

[Groans]

You know, just because you
jerked off into a turkey baster,

that doesn't suddenly make you

like a father figure
to all of us.

You know that, right?

It wasn't directly
into a turkey baster.

That would be impossible.

Well, if anyone could do it,
it would be you.

Sorry, so why are you
seeing Gordon?

Mm.

I don't owe you that answer.

Yeah, but do you know
why you're seeing him?

Because we share a dog. Okay?

Bit spruced up to
just talk about a dog.

[David] Oi!

Jimbotron!

[James] Mr. Davidoff! [Laughs]

- Oh, brother. How are ya?
- Good, man.

- Let me go fire up the FIFA.
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna spank you, son.
- Don't turn me on.

- I'm gonna enjoy this.
- [James] Oh, stop it.

Be good, Ashy.

Yes.

Ohh. Okay.

You look fancy.

I thought you said it was
a dog-friendly restaurant.

It is. Yeah.

And you're still welcome to come

if you want to,
you know, dose up.

I might, actually.

Oh, really?

Jokes.

- [Laughs awkwardly]
- Classic.

No, I love this for you, Begash.

I've got to wake up
early tomorrow, anyway.

Yeah, that's right. You do.

Look at you.

You look so pretty.

- [David] Mmm.
- [Chuckles]

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

- Thank you.
- Mmm.

Thanks for, um, you know,
being so cool.

- Cool about it.
- Yeah.

- That's me.
- [Chuckles]

- Cool as a cuke.
- Yes, you are. [Chuckles]

Just, uh...
Just come home to me, okay?

[Ashley] Mm.

And shower first, you know.

Get the old dog off ya.

What's that?

- Colin.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

- 'Cause of the fur, you know.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Of course.
- Yeah.

[Baby-talks]
I know, I know, I know.

- Gotta be careful with me.
- Beautiful boy.

Mwah. I'll see ya.

- Have a good night.
- Love you.

[Door closes]

[Romantic piano music]

Ash, Ash.

[Chuckles]

Here we go.

[Ashley sighs] Hey.

- How you doing?
- How you going?

Good.

Good. [Chuckles]

- Great.
- Take a seat.

[Chuckles] That was weird.

[Laughs] Yeah.

- Nice place.
- Yeah.

Apparently great. Apparently.

Pretty romantic.

It is datier than
I meant for it to be, sorry.

That's my bad.

That's all right. [Chuckles]

Here we are.

I see your lovely date
has arrived.

- Oh.
- Oh, not a date.

[Gordon] Okay.

Here is 2019 tempranillo
you ordered.

Yes.

I have placed it
in our traditional porron

which produces
a very long stream

which people like to try
to drink right out of.

- Oh!
- Lots of fun.

Will either of you like to try
to drink from the porron?

- You also get 10% off your bill.
- [Ashley] Uh...

[Gurgles]

Oh! [Laughs nervously]

I think we're good.

- All good.
- Yeah, thank you.

Now see it.

Oh, great.

All right.

Wow.

It flows beautifully.

Aerating the grape.

[Ashley] Mm-hm.

But also

giving the people...

- Yeah.
- Mm-hm.

..something... absolutely...

..beautiful...

..to admire.

I'm gonna do a wee now.

[Gordon] Righto.

Thank you.

Salud.

[Smacks lips] Okay.

- Old mate.
- Yeah.

Uh...

Here is to...

- Receptive penile.
- f*ck off.

[Chuckles]

That is nice, yeah.

- That's good.
- Yeah.

That is good.

So your birthday party was fun.

Uh... yeah. Yeah.

- Mmm.
- [Chuckles]

Chelsea's impressive.

She's an impressive woman.

Very attractive too.

Yeah. Well, David's a hottie.
Well done.

Mmm. Thank you.

I think we both upgraded.
Did we?

- Yeah, we might have.
- [Laughs]

Pan de la casa.

Mm-hm.

I can't actually believe

that the "kiss you in six
minutes" move worked on her.

Well, it's a... It's a classic.

I must say, she acted like
she'd never heard of me.

I mean, she might not have.
I don't know.

You've never spoken
about me with her?

Why would I?

Uh, I don't know.
You proposed to me, Gordon.

I thought that alone would
make me, I don't know,

significant enough to
bring up at some stage.

You said no.
Why would I tell her that?

I didn't actually say no.

You didn't actually say yes.

I'm also your dog's mum.

You were my dog's mum.

- Wow.
- What?

- So...
- Sorry. What?

What am I doing here?

Well, we're talking, aren't we?

About what happened
the other night.

- Yeah.
- Want to draw a line under it.

Okay. How's that go?

Okay. Um...

Uh... Okay.

Well, it's probably good
to acknowledge

that we don't
work well together.

Right. Don't we?

Well, no. I mean, if...
We're not together.

If we worked well together,
we would be together.

Oh.

I mean, isn't that right?

Also, you seem pretty happy
with Hot Fish Man.

His name's David, and he
doesn't always smell like that.

- He doesn't always?
- No.

That's good. That's good.

He's actually
a very beautiful person.

He's stable, he's steady,
and I'm really lucky, actually.

Stable and steady. Wow.

- Don't be mean.
- I'm not being mean.

I just didn't know
those were qualities

that you held up as, uh...

- [Ashley] Mm.
- You know, whatever.

- They are.
- Are they?

- Yeah, they are. Yeah.
- Right.

And I wasn't that, I guess?
I'm... I'm not that?

You proposed to me drunk,
out of nowhere,

at my best friend's wedding.

I was being spontaneous.

You didn't talk to my mum,
you didn't ask my dad.

I... I never met your dad.
Doesn't he live on a boat?

You didn't have a ring. It was
just... It was embarrassing.

I still don't understand
why you got so hung up

on the little details, Ash.

Because it's a proposal, Gordon.

You might only get one of those.

The little details
are everything.

Yeah, well, I got swept up.
Won't happen again.

No, it certainly won't.
Not with Chelsea.

She'll micromanage the sh*t
out of your proposal.

Will she?

Yeah, she's a ring picker.

She'll have her nails done,
camera set up, the whole thing.

Okay. And how do you know
anything about her?

Honestly, just meeting her.

- Huh.
- And her Instagram.

Right.

Why are you stalking her
on Instagram?

I'm not stalk... Also, I saw you
do Colin's voice thing with her.

Like, that was messed up, bro.

The Paul McCartney thing?
That was our thing.

Well, his voice
is his voice, Ash.

He doesn't get a new voice every
time I get a new girlfriend.

- Sorry.
- Okay.

Well, it was gross to see.

What do you care?

I mean, you never even told me

you were back in town
to see him again.

- Mmm.
- Did you? So he is my dog now.

Right. Oh.

[Romantic piano music continues]

- [Arlo] For you, sir.
- Go on. Thank you.

[Ashley sighs]

Would you like to
take a picture?

- Of you?
- Yeah.

Now would be the time.

No, thanks.

No. No, I'm good.

[Arlo] Are you ready to order?

Uh, we'll just be
another minute.

- As you wish.
- Thank you.

What happened, Ash?

What... what happened?

I don't know, Gordon.

Try to know.

Ohh, I think when you proposed,

something just broke
and we couldn't get it back.

And then I got put on placement
in Warrnambool.

Regional was always gonna
happen, you knew that.

Right.

But why did it break, though?

Why... why didn't we
just regroup?

'Cause we're not
a football team, Gordon.

And I just felt
so put on the spot like that

in front of everyone.

I just didn't know
who you were anymore.

Like, it just felt too crazy
or something.

Too crazy?

We met when you flashed your
nipple at me on the street.

I would have called it on brand,
actually.

No, that was different. That
was just an impulsive moment.

That's not real life.

Right.

Okay, so... so that's why
stable and steady.

What, you've done the same.
Chelsea's very sensible.

- She knows what she wants.
- Mmm.

Yeah, and she's
fully committed to me.

Which is great, 'cause it means
I won't be humiliated again.

I was also humiliated, Gordon.

- Not as much as me, Ash.
- Oh, f*ck'...

- No way.
- ..men.

Men and humiliation.

Do you know that
a man's biggest fear

is being humiliated by a woman?

- I get it.
- Yeah.

- Do you know what a woman's is?
- What?

Being k*lled by a man.

f*ck' hell.
That escalated quickly.

Well, it's true.

I'm not trying to k*ll you,
Ash. I'm just trying...

- But you could.
- I'm not trying to k*ll you.

I'm just telling you
that Chelsea is all in.

And she's moving
her stuff in today.

Mmm. Well, that's that, then.

Yeah, of course it is. I mean,
David already lives with you.

I'm not doing anything
you haven't already done.

Sure.

Honestly...

..I always thought
we'd end up together.

I held on to that for
a really long time. And, uh...

But you didn't even
get in touch with me

to tell me you were back
in Sydney.

So you clearly
don't think of me ever.

That's not true. Actually,
I do think about you.

Is that why you were at
the brewery the other night,

parked in the car?

I know it was you.

Fine, it was...
Yeah. Yeah, that was me.

Why did you lie to me?

Uh, 'cause it's embarrassing,
Gordon.

'Cause I was hiding
in my f*cking car.

Why... why were you there?

Because I'm me.

'Cause I'm a weirdo.

And I maybe wanted to see
what you were up to.

Because I do think about you.
Because you were on my mind.

Well, I think about you too.

But I was so broken
after you left.

I don't think I've ever been
that f*cked up.

Well, you'd also
just buried your dad.

Not personally, but, yeah.

No, I'm just...

I'm saying that it's not all me.

You can't say that I, like,
ruined you or something.

You kinda did, though.

No, no. I'm not wearing that.

That's not...

I can't break a man that badly.

Yes, you can, Ash.

Because you're
an amazing person.

Because I liked being with you.

And yes, my dad died

and I gambled away
most of my inheritance.

Oh, f*ck' hell!

But my heart fully broke.

And that's never
happened before.

[Sighs] Okay.

I'm very sorry.

I am.

It's all good. You know,
I got better. I am better.

And what do we do now?

Did we draw the line?

I don't know.

[Romantic music continues]

Does David know you're here?

Yeah, but he thinks
it's kind of like a dog hang.

[Romantic piano music stops]

Does Chelsea know?

No.

What are we doing?

I don't know.

[Uplifting music]

[Ashley moans]

[Gordon moans]

[Ashley and Gordon moan]

# Sitting in the lobby
of a city hotel #

# Drinking like fishes
on the river to hell #

# Devil's in my mouth
telling primitive jokes #

# While the angel's out looking
for a packet of smokes #

# You look into my eyes #

# And you don't look away
the way you should #

# I would #

# I would if I could #

# Oh, believe me I would #

# But I gotta go home #

# I want a home to go to #

# So I'm sorry
that I can't be... #

[Sighs]
# The one #

# I'm so sorry #

# That I can't be the one #

# So it's best I don't say
I wanna tear off your clothes #

# And tear off my own
and let you know me #

# Instead I nod my head #

# I watch your mouth #

# I smile #

# But I don't say a thing #

# You look into my eyes #

# You seem to see the woman
that I hoped to be #

# I wanna go home #

# I gotta go home #

# Help me get home #

# I need a home to go to #

# So I'm sorry
that I can't be the one #

# I'm so sorry
that I can't be the one #

# To give you hope #

# To show you love #

# To let you know #

# To let you love me #

# The way you want to #

# In the next life #

# In the next
life #

# Look me up #

[Ethereal vocalizing]

# Holy winds blew in
when I met you #

# And all my inner bells
began to ring... #

[Sleepily]
There's my little friend.

# What I would not give
to just pretend... #

[David] Mm.

# This would not ruin
everything... #

I missed you.

# I'm so sorry #

# That I can't be the one #

# I'm so sorry #

# That I can't be the one #

# To take you home #

# To show you love #

# To make you whole #

# To let you love me #

# The way you want to #

# In the next life #

# In the next
life #

# Look me up #