02x06 - Yass King

[bunniefuu]

- Okay, how old is Kaylen?
- Five. Seven.

- Actually, don't know.
- Wow, sh*t Uncle Gordy.

Yeah, but I think I'm
going to come into my own

when they're of
drinking age, you know?

What about the other one?

Um, eight... or ten.

And that's Brayden

or Braylen.

Not sure, but he's
actually pretty cool.

Okay, we're going to do
stickers and lollies.

- Great.
- Can't lose.

- Um, what about your mum?
- She's the easiest one.

- Okay, Ferrero Rochers. Easy.
- Hi, mate.

Can I also get, uh, 20 bucks on
Thursday's Powerball auto-pick?

Ta.

What?

- I didn't say anything.

- It's for Mum.
- Sure.

Hello, boysy.

- Yass newsagent. I love it.

- Yep.

- "Yass golf day".
- Oh.

"Yass babysitter.
Missing cat in Yass".

You, uh, you going to do

the Yass thing the whole
time we're in Yass?

- Mm-hmm. I'm just kidding. Yass!
- Oh, Jesus.

Did you just grow up saying
"Yass" to everything?

It must have been so fun.

Actually no, I did leave before
the whole Yass juggernaut took off.

- Oh, say it.
- Nah.

- Sad.
- Hey, just so you know,

I'm going to shake Dad's
pockets today for the brewery.

Oh, is he flush?

Yeah, you wouldn't know it
because he rarely wears undies,

but he is sitting
on a small goldmine.

Ooh, can I help? I'm
really good with old men.

- Yes, don't I know it.

- Where are we sleeping tonight?
- Uh, what do you mean?

I'm sleeping with my mummy and
you're sleeping with my daddy.

- We're a normal family.
- Hot.

You ready to meet my parents?

- Yass.

- See, it wasn't hard.
- Oh, God, it was.

- Okay.

Drink it in.

Crapp time, baby.

- Can't get in, Mum.
You've locked it.

- Hey, get in here,
you f*ck' losers.

- Yeah. Yeah, right-o.

- Come on.

- Hello, Mum.
- Oh, Gordy.

- Oh, you're looking so muscular.
- Oh, come on.

- No, he's not, he's a p*ssy.
- Nah, you are, mate.

- And you must be Ashley.
- Yes, hi.

- So nice to meet you, Mrs Crapp.
- Oh, it's Dawn.

Yeah, start the day
right with a Dawn Crapp.

- Hey, boys, boys, boys!

Get out here! Uncle Gordo's
here. Hide the bananas.

- There it is.
- Here are you, Gordon.

- Yeah.
- Broke again.

No, I'm not. I just, uh, wanted
to introduce everyone to Ash

and hang out with
my gorgeous family.

What the f*ck is that?

Oh, this is our
little boy, Colin.

- Looks expensive, Gordon.
- Well.

I hope you didn't pay
full price for them.

- What's that?
- That.

Oh, yeah. I did, actually.

- Stupid.

- Stupid.

- Hi, Mr Crapp.
- Brian.

Hi, Brian. Hello, hello.

Hey, Pop. Hey,
Popsicle. How you going?

- Hey, Pop, it's Gordon.
- Hey, Graham.

Yeah, why not? Are you going to
show us your, uh, your big letter?

- What?
- From the king.

You got a big letter for
hitting your century.

Nah, I got rid of it.

- Did you?
- Yeah, he's not my bloody king.

Oh, I got you a
little... just choccies.

- Oh, you shouldn't have.
- That's all right.

Nah, nah, nah. Get 'em out of
here. Brayden's a nut-t*rd.

- Oh!
- Oh, Alistair, you f*ck' idiot.

It's anaphylaxis. Hi.

- Oh, um, I didn't
know about allergies.

- No, it's fine.

- Gordon didn't mention it.
- Nice to meet you.

- I thought it was celiac.
- No, I'm celiac.

Oh, sorry, Katie. Hey,
always good to see you.

- Yeah.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- Don't bother. She's on her eggs.

Oh, f*ck off.

Okay.

So, how long are you staying?

We're here tonight.

Oh, can't you stay longer?

Mum, I just got here.

I'm, like, I'm here now.

Yes, no, I understand
you're busy.

Yes, no, I understand
you're busy.

Righto, stop sucking mum's t*ts,
Gordo. The game's about to start.

sh*t, yes.

- Oh, come on.
- Oh.

But for the players,
it's so much more.

Today's all about respect...

- Let's go to the girls' room.
- Oh, good. Lovely.

He'd be suspended for
the f*ck' season.

- He should be. That's my point.
- Yeah.

God, you're a little
thing, aren't you?

Oh, I don't know. Yeah,
I guess I'm short.

My boys normally go
for quite busty girls.

- Don't they, Katie?
- Hmm.

Oh, his friend
Chiara certainly was.

And you're top-heavy, Katie.

Yeah, kids wrecked 'em a bit.

No, they normally like
them like their mum.

No, they normally like
them like their mum.

I had a reduction in my fifties.

When the boys were
little, they were huge.

- Wow.
- Blessed in the chest, I used to say.

- I should find a photo.
- Oh no.

No, Brian's got them
hidden away somewhere.

It's okay.

Used to be massive.

- Were they?
- Hmm.

Cute.

- Boys!
- Boys, f*ck off!

- Get out of here!

- So, what do you do, Katie?
- I'm a mum.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, no, no.
Kids keep you busy.

- Oh, are you a mum?
- No.

Right.

- I'm a dog mum.
- So, no.

Well, you know, he relies on
me, and he needs a lot of care.

Not the same.

- Isn't it?
- No.

Oh.

- Do you have a dog?
- Used to.

- What happened?
- Got rid of it.

- Why?
- 'Cause I had kids.

Get us another beer, love.

Get us another beer, love.

- Is that me?
- Hmm. Guess so.

Oh, um, Gordon!

- I think your dad wants another beer.
- We're watching the game.

Oh no, no, it's okay.
I'll get... I'll get it.

- I'll get it.
- No, no, no. She'd love to get it.

Oh, it's just Katie and I
having a chat, that's all.

Yeah, no, we're
done. I'll get it.

Uh, I'll get it. I'll get it. I just
didn't know that that was the thing.

Uh, grab us one too,
please, sweetheart.

Gordon?

Yes, please?

And make sure it's
one of my ones,

not Gordon's f*cking
coriander piss.

Not piss. Got it.

- Oh, f*ck.

Hey, um, speaking of
my coriander piss...

What do you want now?

No, no, no, nothing.
I was just, um...

I was just... We're just doing

some really... some interesting
stuff at the brewery at the moment.

- There's some fermentations...
- I am not giving you money.

That's cool. That's
cool. I was just, um...

The, um...

No, it's... it's actually pretty
exciting at... at the moment.

The bar's pretty good, Dad.

It's not sh*t, eh?

It's not sh*t, eh?

Well, if it's not sh*t,
why is he asking for money?

I'm not. I'm not
asking for money, Dad.

I'm not. I was just...

Yeah, I was just saying...

- Making convo.

- f*ck, all my suggested
posts are asses.

- Are you gonna poop?
- Oh, for f*ck's sake!

- Oh!
- It's okay.

I just didn't know if
you were going to poop.

No, not. Just a wee.

- Who are you?
- Jailyn.

- What you doing there?
- Playing mermaids.

You don't want to go outside
and play with your brothers?

No.

Okay. Well, I'm going
to pull my pants up now.

Yeah.

Could you close
your eyes for me?

- Could you actually
close them, though?

- I am.

You... you're still looking,
and it would be nice

if I could wipe and pull
up my pants in private.

- Ashely...
- No, hey.

- Oh, it's you.
- How are you going?

Uh, it's a pretty
tough crowd out there.

- Yeah, not going to lie.

- You're doing great,
okay? Don't worry.

If I need you, though, out there,
can you not leave me hanging?

Of course. I'm your guy.
I've got you. All right?

- Hi, Uncle.
- Jesus!

Fra... Hey!

- Hi, J... Jada.
- No, Jailyn.

- Ja...
- ilyn.

Jailyn. Yes, Jailyn. That's
what I said. What did you say?

- You have grown.

Last time I saw you,
you were like that big.

You're as big as that doll
that you're playing with.

Anyway, how are you
going? How's tricks?

- I'm not bad.
- Not bad?

- I'm not bad.
- Not bad?

- Sorry, can everyone just get out?
- Yeah, okay, yeah.

- She's still in...
can you get her out?

So, yeah, his back legs
will likely never function,

So, yeah, his back legs
will likely never function,

but we just want to
give him a good life.

- Pork and fennel?

Yeah, I would have
shot it in my day.

Put it out of its misery.

How's your box trifecta looking?

Uh...

Yeah, but we... we
fell in love with him.

Didn't we, Gordon?

Yes, we... Yeah, yeah, we did.

f*cking lefties, trying
to save everything.

He'd have never
cut it in the wild.

Yeah, Dad, most
terriers wouldn't. W...

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Thanks, Katie.
- Sausage roll.

Oh.

Are you going to eat that?

Yeah, it looks lovely.

Oh. Uh-huh.

- You're welcome.
- Oh, thank you.

Porks are smart
as dogs, you know.

- What's the difference?
- Good question.

And that is a contradiction
that I struggle with

- since becoming a dog owner.
- It's a struggle, is it?

- What?
- Vietnam was a struggle.

Agent Orange was a struggle.

Just eat the f*cking
sausage roll.

Just eat the f*cking
sausage roll.

Hey, um, Dad, did I tell you that, um,
Ash is a sixth-year medical student?

She's about to be a doctor.
She's totally k*lling it.

Whoop-dee-doo, then she can
bankroll you instead of me.

Has Gordon told you
about the brewery lately?

They're doing some really
exciting new stuff.

Exciting new stuff? What's
he up to now? Bees d*ck beer?

Caramelised who-gives-a-sh*t?

Sure, but it's...

it's a massive industry and
he's giving it a real go.

Oh, sh*t, is she going to
hit me up for money now?

No, I was just...

It's... it's all right.

I thought you said she was fun.

So far, I haven't
seen a single nipple.

What the f*ck, man?

What? Dad loves t*ts.

As if I wasn't
going to tell him.

Hmm. Well, the day is young,
Brian. You never know your luck.

- I'm going to get a f*cking wine.
- And more beer.

- I'm going to get a f*cking wine.
- And more beer.

She is quite fun, actually.

- Really?
- She's so young.

She doesn't smile much, but
when she does, it doesn't...

- Hey.
- Hey.

Just getting some more
beers for the guys.

- Oh, you're good, aren't you?
- I'm trying to be.

- How old are you?

Um, 30.

Ready to settle down?

Oh, yeah, with the right guy.

And is that not Gordon?

Oh no, yeah, yep.

So, you're ready to
settle down with Gordon?

Yes.

He needs a strong woman.

- Someone to keep him focused.
- And interested.

- Okay.
- Hmm.

Are you and your mum close?

Are we close?

Yes, are you?

Um, let's just say
you shouldn't go

to a hardware store if
you're looking for milk.

I don't really know
what that means.

It's just something that my therapist
said to me that I found helpful.

Oh, do you do therapy?

I have done.

Why, what's wrong with you?

Nothing now, all cured.

- Okay, so you don't
do therapy anymore?

- Okay, so you don't
do therapy anymore?

- No.

- Oh, that's good.

- Have you frozen your eggs?

- Where's my little bartender?
- Oh, that's me.

Better get a wriggle on.

Oh, yum, yum.

- What is this?
- Hmm?

Oh, Brian's medication.

- Uh, is that all prescribed?
- Yeah.

Oh, there might be
some zinc in there.

- What are you doing?
- Hey.

- What's the photo for?
- What photo?

Oh, the, oh... No, it's
just for my work group chat.

- Why?

Because it's funny.

- Oh, that's a bit
rude, don't you think?

- Yeah.

- Please delete it.
- Yeah, okay.

Oh, yeah.

- And from the recently deleted?
- Yes. Oh f*ck.

- And from the recently deleted?
- Yes. Oh f*ck.

Show me.

It's empty.

Thank you.

Sorry.

Coming, Brian.

It's his third
reconstruction, so I mean...

Oh, mate, stop being a
sook. Get off. Brayden!

Brayden, get your brother
and get to the kid's table.

- Get off, babe.

- What are you doing? Ouch!

- Nice having a break from the telly.
- Yeah.

There we go.

- Oh, great.

Dad, how about we
just don't have telly?

Hey, I got 50
bucks on this game.

Uh, okay, well, do you want...
Can we just mute it, maybe?

Like, Ashley's here.
It'd be good to talk.

You're joking.

Go on, love.

Good to talk?

- Fine.

- Talk.

Go... Thanks, Gordon.

Um, where'd you grow up?

Here. Next?

Here. Next?

For f*ck's sake, Dad, come on.

Oh, all right, all right.

Hey, I've got a good one.

Did you hear about the Asian

gynaecologist?

- No, Dad.

- No.
- Why not?

Because you only do that,
so you can do the voice.

- Yeah, but the voice
is classic though.

- Let's not.

- Okay?
- Here, love.

Just start on that bit. Start
on that. Make sure you chew it.

- Hmm.

You boys have fun in Sydney?

Um, yeah, we're good.

It was brief, but it was good.

Brief? Five days?

No, what are you talking about?

It was five days,
Gordon, for f*ck's sake.

Hmm, yes, it was.

Yeah, it seemed like such
a... Much quicker time.

Um, it was good. We had some
good bro time in the end and...

- What about Vegas?
- Vegas?

What the f*ck?

Yeah, next time we should
definitely do Vegas.

- f*cking yeah, great idea, Ash.
- Hmm.

But we had a good time
up in Sydney, didn't we?

You know, me and you, we... we
went to the... to the brewery.

You know, me and you, we... we
went to the... to the brewery.

Didn't we, Ash? That was fun.

- Yes, it was great.
- Was it?

Hmm.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Hmm.

I like Vegas.

How's the gravy, Brian?
Up to your liking?

Oh, perfect, perfect. Mm.

Hey, hey, now.

Uh, as a medical practitioner, I've
got a bone to pick with you, Brian.

Oh, gee, I'm trembling.

Your... your pillbox is in
need of a pretty big redo.

Can I help you sort that out?

Stay out of it.
I've got a system.

I... I can order
you a Webster pack.

Just leave it. I
know what I'm doing.

I... I take a little red one
first thing in the morning.

The morning is blue.

Shush, woman, it's
red. No, wait.

- No, it's red.

And it's a little blue
one every other morning.

And then I have two
white ones with my tea

and a yellow one if I'm
feeling a bit frisky.

I don't know if a prescription
would say every other morning.

- Are you my doctor?
- No.

- Are you my doctor?
- No.

No. Keith Moorley's my
doctor and a bloody good one.

Isn't he a kiddy fiddler?

No, that's Kenneth
Murray, my old dentist.

Anyway, here's, uh, here's
to all getting together

and meeting Ashley, eh?

Hmm. Yeah, well, you know, there
was that time up in Sydney, so...

Nice to meet you, Ash.

Uh, nice, uh, nice
to meet you, Amy.

Yeah, good on you, Ashy.

- This is nice.
- It's good.

Can you close your f*cking mouth
while you're chewing, please?

- It's because...
- No, no. No, no.

We normally watch the
footy, so you can't hear

- what I'm doing, but
now I'm talking...

- Listen, can you listen to me?

- Yeah, what? f*ck!
- Close your lips

- when you chew your food...
- Okay.

- Or you'll f*cking choke on it.
- Okay, okay, I'm trying, I'm trying.

You're going to teach
the kids this bullshit.

Okay.

No, seriously, breathe
louder. It's awesome.

So, how long have you been
married, you... you two?

We met at my 21st
birthday party.

- Oh, wow.
- Oh God.

What... what do you
think the secret is?

Girlfriends.

Nice, Dad.

Are you, uh, marrying this one?

- Well, um...
- I saw Ashley eyeing off

my engagement ring.

Oh, I wasn't.

- Were you?
- No.

- Yes, you were.
- No, I wasn't.

- Yes, you were.
- What? Don't you like it?

It's lovely. I just
wasn't eyeing it off.

How you doing, Pop?
You doing all right?

- Wonderful.
- Great.

- Oh, the beef's so tender.

- Uh, th... thank you, girls.
- It's all Dawn and Katie.

- I knew that.
- He knows that.

Yeah.

Hey, Collie. Where is he?

Where is... I want to give
him a little bit of meat.

I put him outside.

- What? When?
- Why?

He's a dog. I didn't want him
staring at me whilst I ate.

But he hasn't got his wheels on.

Well, then he... won't
get far, will he?

- f*cking hell, Dad.

Sit down!

I won't have my dinner
f*cked up by a crippled mutt

that should have been
dead long before this.

Sit down, kids.

- Oh, that's just...
- No. Hey, hey, hey.

- No? No?
- No.

No.

Sorry, Dawn. Sorry,
Brian. He's our dog.

And I don't feel comfortable
with him being outside.

So excuse me.

God.

- Huh?

- Yeah, good mate.

Colin!

Don't worry. He's probably
sniffing around the chooks.

Yes, but he doesn't have his wheels
on. No, he shouldn't be out here.

Colin!

- Now, Ashley.
- Yep?

I said the same thing to Katie when
she was shacking up with Alistair.

- Yeah?
- Do not get an ab*rtion ever.

- Yeah?
- Do not get an ab*rtion ever.

Because you'd be k*lling a little
bit of Dawn and I can't have that.

Now, if you get into trouble, ring
me. I'll raise it. No questions asked.

Yeah, I... I don't think that...
that'll be an issue, you know,

with Gordon and his whole situation,
so sorry, I'm just gonna slip off.

Colin!

Colin! Here, boy!

My money's on a red-bellied
black snake, Dad.

Please be quiet.

Twenty bucks on
an Eastern Brown.

- Oh, for f*ck's sake.

- Come on, Dad, you
f*ck' all right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm good,

I'm just following two fairies
looking for a rat in a sack.

f*ck, what's going on, Dad? You're
being especially sh*t today.

- Excuse me?
- You've been really hard on Ash.

She's trying to
stuff up my pills.

No, Dad, she's not.
She's trying to help you.

I'd just... I'd appreciate
more of an effort.

I'd appreciate a ten-inch dong,
but that's not happening, is it?

- Colin!
- Dickhead!

I'm glad I've got you
alone because I...

I want to ask your medical
opinion of something.

Sure.

Well, Brayden has told
Katie that he likes boys.

Well, Brayden has told
Katie that he likes boys.

Okay.

Well, when she was
pregnant with him, she...

she had a flu shot, even
though I begged her not to.

You think that's the reason?

The reason?

Th... that it affected her
hormones or something, you know?

She lost an X or a Y or a...

Oh, God, I don't
know how it works.

Look, um, I don't think

that the flu shot has
anything to do with that.

I think if Brayden likes
boys, he just likes boys.

God help me.

And, PS, don't do that
f*cking Vegas sh*t on me.

- Jesus Christ.
- What?

She's got no idea. Did you see
her face? f*ck' crickets.

That's not the point,
mate. You put me in a spot.

Don't worry about it. You're
Gordonising, for f*ck's sake.

No, mate. I'm gonna get the third
degree from Ash on that one.

Women don't like doing
that sh*t to other women.

What? You sound like
a f*cking femo, man.

Gordon, your dad. Your dad.

Oh, f*ck.

- Dad, you all right? What's going on?
- Dad?

- Dad, you all right? What's going on?
- Dad?

- Hey, hey, hey. You fall?

- Dad? Dad?
- Are you all right?

- Okay, Heavy, Heavy?
- Yeah, um...

- Call triple zero. Go, go, go.
- Okay.

- Don't be stupid, I'm fine.
- Brian!

- Brian.
- Mum, Mum, Mum, it's okay.

His ankles are swollen. I
think he's in heart failure.

How long have you had a
shortness of breath for?

- Since '92. Get
out of the way!

- I'll keep you down.
- Stay down, stay down.

Brian! Well, what do I do?

Uh, can you get some aspirin?

- Go.
- Oh, Jailyn's got the dog as well.

Sorry, she thought
it was a mermaid

- because of that weird bag thing.
- Okay.

Um, my... my dad... I think my
dad's having a heart attack.

Y... yes.

- W... what's going on?
- That's all right.

You're all right, Brian.

We're just calling an ambulance.
We'll get someone for you soon.

- You're all right, Dad.
- No, you're okay.

- You're all right.

- Come on, Doc.
What's the verdict?

Well, we can talk more
about a pacemaker,

but these medications are working
really well for the moment.

Oh, that's great.

I understand you were set
on going home tonight.

You made quite a
scene with the nurse.

Yeah, Raiders Cowboys at 7:00.

We would prefer
you stay the night,

We would prefer
you stay the night,

- but we can't force you to.
- Correct.

As long as you don't
do anything rigorous,

you should be okay.

I'll make sure he's comfy, and
we'll fix his pills, won't we, Ash?

Okay. Let me finish
up your paperwork.

- Thanks, Doc.
- Take it easy, Brian.

Yeah.

And, uh, thanks, little doc.

Right-o.

- Stop, Dad. Stop, stop, stop.
- Wait, Brian.

Wait for the nurse to
unhook you. Just be patient.

God, you people.

- Yep.
- We're just gonna get Pop some tea.

All right, love.

Why haven't I got a
f*cking TV up there?

I bet you're glad you came
all the way down to Yass.

Hmm. Not really.

Hey, thank you so much
for helping with Dad.

You were incredible.

It's fine.

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Or, no. Nah.

Or, no. Nah.

What? What is it?

- Like, he almost died...
- Hmm.

- So thank God he's okay, obviously.
- Yeah.

But your dad was an as*h*le
to me. All day, Gordon.

- And everyone kind of was, actually.
- I know. - No...

- you don't know.
- Look, he... he's...

Dad's a dinosaur, all
right? He just says sh*t.

But you could have
helped me out a bit more.

- Yeah, I was trying to.
- When?

You know, he was... he was
going me about Vietnam,

and you're just sitting there,
like, betting on the races.

Didn't even look like you.

- What does that mean?
- When did you start gambling again?

Because you told me that
you deleted all the apps.

Oh, Christ. It's something
I do with my brother, okay?

- That... I was... I was with my fam.
- Oh!

Give me a break. I told Dad
about you doing medicine.

- Like, I was helping.
- Oh, barely.

That's not fair.

You know... And your mum?

And... and Katie, right?

They're impenetrable. I
couldn't get in there.

And Heavy. Oh my God.

Don't. Don't do that.
Don't make me complicit

- in that kind of sh*t ever.
- Ash, I can't be held responsible

- in that kind of sh*t ever.
- Ash, I can't be held responsible

for them, all right?

They're just... I'm not
an activist in my family.

That's not how it works.
They're just f*cking family.

You know?

I just didn't like you
sitting there with them.

Being like them.

- I'm not like them.
- But maybe you are.

Are you like Lynelle?

- Sorry, what?
- Well, if I'm just like them,

- maybe you're
just like Lynelle.

- Lynelle's got a lot of issues,

but she's not a
f*ck, mate, actually.

Your dad is a f*ck.

Oh, I mean, don't you agree?

- He can be a f*ck?
- I gotta get this tea to Pop.

Oh, Gordon, hey.

- No.
- Gordon.

Gordon.

Hey, come on.

Brian! Brian! Nurse!

♪ I am your true shepherd ♪

♪ I will lead you there ♪

♪ I will lead you there ♪

♪ Beside still waters ♪

♪ Come and meet me In
the middle of the air ♪

♪ I will meet you In
the middle of the air ♪

♪ I will lay you down ♪

♪ In pastures green and fair ♪

♪ Every soul shall be restored ♪

♪ I will meet them In
the middle of air ♪

♪ Come and meet me In
the middle of the air ♪

♪ Through the lonesome valley ♪

♪ My rod and staff you'll bear ♪

♪ Fear not death's dark shadow ♪

♪ Fear not death's dark shadow ♪

♪ I will meet you In
the middle of the air ♪

♪ Come and meet me In
the middle of the air ♪

♪ With oil I shall anoint you ♪

♪ A table shall I prepare ♪

♪ Your cup will runneth over ♪

♪ Come and meet me In
the middle of the air ♪