02x02 - Bacon in the Drawer

[bunniefuu]

Blessings!

- f*ck! f*ck! I hit a dog!

Okay, here we go.

Stop it!

What the f*ck
happened to Bandit?

- Peppy!
- Colin!

This woman just flashed
her tit at me, actually,

so, yes, I hit a dog.

Do you think Collie's gonna
have trouble adjusting?

To what?

Back to us.

Like, 'cause he had
a home and family...

Sorry, what... what
are you saying?

Well, just help adapting.

I'm not a therapist, but...

You want to get a dog therapist?

No, but maybe there's, like, some
trust-building exercises we can do.

I don't know, like, just
to make him feel safe.

Oh man, your generation is
obsessed with therapy and safety

and talking.

"My gen..."

Why are you being an arsehole?

I'm not. I made
you a coffee, what?

You've barely looked
at me all morning.

What are you talking about?
I'm staring at you right now.

Oh, good, yeah.

This is some
gaslighting bullshit.

Yeah. Gaslighting. That's
another one you guys love.

Gordon, stop it.

We've finally got him back
and now you're all miserable.

I don't get it. What's going on?

I'm sorry, Ash. It's not you.

I've gotta go to work.

And I'm annoyed, so.

I thought you had
the morning off.

Yeah, so did I.

But, um, uh...

Brett's yeast is, um...

Yeah. No.

Well, this is bad.

Ah!

Mmm!

Mmm-hmm!

Sorry, is it your lunchtime?

Always.

So, what's going on, dear boy?

How likely do you think it is

that I could naturally
get a woman pregnant?

Give it the old college
try, did you, old boy?

Well...

Got some bacon in
the drawer, hey?

Harbouring a fugitive, are we?

- Okay.
- Come out, come out!

We've got you surrounded.

Can we stop it for a sec?

It's just that
remember you told me

that my sperm count was so low
that it was virtually non-existent?

Do you remember?
You said that to me.

That may be so, Gordon.

But Gordy, Gordy, one must
always use a prophylactic!

- A sheath!
- Totally.

You know what? Is it possible
to maybe look at my file

and you could just tell
me what my exact count is?

Is that a thing that you...?

It's just that I think that
this woman maybe has it wrong,

and I just want to give
her some cold facts.

Ooh, some girls
don't like those.

Be that as it may, I'd love to
get some information for myself.

I'd like to help you, Gordon,

but my computer isn't on.

Can you turn it on?

It takes a while to warm up.

Uh, how long have you been here?

Forty-two years come April.

- Today. I meant today.
- Oh!

A couple of hours? I don't know.

Could you just turn it on?

Sorry. Could you
just... is that okay?

Would that be okay?

Well, I'd have to
plug it in first.

Well, why the f...
isn't it plugged in?

- Now, Gordy, Gordy.
- Christ.

I could give you some numbers, some
cold, hard, facts, if you like.

- Great.

But it sounds to me like you
have a miracle baby here.

But it sounds to me like you
have a miracle baby here.

Can we not say "miracle baby"?

Oh, et bien.

Le bebe miracle! Eh?

Eh? Eh?

- I just thought this
would be an easy...

Nothing is easy with a
Hewlett-Packard, Gordon.

Thank you for that.

Uh...

did Dr Bruce tell you anything?

About...?

Himself.

Oh, he mentioned he was
going on long service leave.

Oh, right.

Okay. That's what he's saying.

Is that not the case?

Oh yes, yes, there
is no scandal.

Okay. Thank you.

Meggles, have you got a sec?

Walk and talk,
baby. Walk and talk.

Gordon has got the ick.
He's gone all weird.

Yesterday you had the ick.

No, I didn't, I was just
questioning everything.

No, I didn't, I was just
questioning everything.

But I think I'm annoying him.

Oh, that's not so bad.

But I'm not annoying.

You can be, but I would argue
that this is a good sign.

How? I mean, I just
moved in with the guy.

No, Ash, this is
your fear talking.

- Is it?
- Yeah, 'cause it's real. It's honest.

Annoying each other is the
first true sign of intimacy.

This is from that
relationship book I sent.

Honestly, they're so good.

Yeah, it's good.

Megan, ooh, what
have we got here?

Ah, building site accident.

I'm delivering the arm from the ED
to the theatre for replantation.

Was that always an arm?

- Yeah.
- Never a baby?

Bassinette?

Very creative thinking.
I'm impressed, Meg.

Well, thanks, Gene. It was too long
for the fingers and hands Esky,

so, yeah.

But, um, I have to kind of keep moving
'cause nerve endings and whatnot, so.

- Thanks.

Thinking outside the box.

Now, you could do
with some of that.

Swear I saw a baby.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Just checking, is
this milk pasteurised?

I'm not sure.

It's fine. It is.

It's fine. It is.

- How do you know?
- It's obviously pasteurised.

We're not on a farm.

It, ah... would look like

a cup of vomit, wouldn't it?

Oh.

Well, I'm pregnant,
so I am just checking.

All good.

Because I'm pregnant.

Congratulations.

Thank you! Thanks.

You're just telling anyone now?

It's a big deal at my
age. Don't be mean.

Yvette, I don't really
know how to say this,

so I'm just gonna say it.

I really don't think
that this child is mine.

So, have you been
seeing anybody else?

No. No one.

Really?

Just you.

Yvette, I had
testicular cancer, okay?

So my sperm count is so low

that really, my only
chance of becoming a father

is IVF or adoption.

Well, this is a
miracle baby, Gordon.

A double miracle seeing
as I'm in my forties.

I don't think you're
listening to me, Yvette.

I mean, we did give it a pretty
good nudge a few months ago.

I... I feel like...

Gordon, just relax, okay?

I'm not trying to trap you. I
don't want anything from you.

I'm not trying to trap you. I
don't want anything from you.

Don't you?

Just think you've
actually forgotten

that we have a really
great time together.

Do you remember
the Hunter Valley?

- Yeah. It was great.
- Yeah.

What about salsa classes?
You were getting pretty good.

- I was... I was all right.
- You were very good.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

So, you know, just finish
up your fling and...

we'll be here.

Oh! I was thinking "Keith".

That's my middle name.

I know.

I'll be right back.

Love you.

Um...

Thanks for meeting me.

- It sounded serious.

Well, I mean...

Mm.

Yeah, there's not, ah...

It's not an easy thing to
say, so I'll just say it.

It's not an easy thing to
say, so I'll just say it.

I moved in too fast.

No, no, no. No.

I'm annoying you.

No, you're not.

- No, you say...
- No, no, no, Ash.

Yvette is pregnant

and she says that it's mine.

Flash!

- Gene!

Ooh, you look so good!

So do you. God, man, hey.

Still rocking the overalls,
man. Nothing's changed.

Well, you nail a look,
you stick with it.

- Yep.

- Hello, Ashley.

Oh, that's right, of course,
you two know each other.

- Yeah. We're actually together.

Oh, Dr Molden, how about that?

No, you got a good one here.

We all had crushes on Flash in
the chemo hall in the men's group.

Oh, no, no, stop it. Stop it.

Um, awesome, man.

- So good to see you. I'll...
- You catch up with the guys?

- I don't. I don't. I should.
- Oh, that's a shame.

You know, we should
get together.

You know, fishing
trip or poker night.

- Poker night.
- Yep.

We should. We should. Anyway...

- How's the cat?
- What cat?

- Don't you have a cat?
- Nup.

- I think you're thinking of...
- Ugh, no, I am!

- I'm thinking of Phil.
- Phil.

- Yes, Phil's got the cat.
- Yes, he does.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

Was he just cat-sitting?

Oh, wow, yeah. Not
sure. Not sure.

- Anyhoo.
- Anyway.

- Yep.
- Doesn't matter.

- So.

Good to see ya.

- Tim died.
- Did he?

Yes. Oh, yeah, he
was fine. Remission.

- Went in for his annual checkup...
- Yup.

And, boom, lit up
like a Christmas tree.

- Oh, f*ck, I didn't know that.
- Yup.

- Christmas time,
too, which is so sad.

- Yeah.

That's probably why I
said Christmas tree.

Christmas, Christmas.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Anyhoodley.

- Check you later.
- Yup.

And, ah...

Look at her face.

Never seen a guy sport
a beret before, Ashley?

I am cool, you know.

Okay, brother.

- Check ya, bro.
- Check ya.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna call you, give
you a tingle, and...

- You on the same number?
- I am.

- See? Always the same.
- Yeah.

- Okay.

All right, Flashy. Flash mob.

- Flash mob.

- Flash mob.

See ya, Gene.

Ash, are you okay?

I just need you to
know that I never...

I never thought I'd ever be
able to get anybody pregnant.

And... and people are
saying "miracle baby",

which is a term I
don't like at all,

but... I do want to
do the right thing.

You know, whatever that is.

So, if this is mine,

and we need to find that out,

I can't just walk away.

You know, I need to
grow up at some point.

Don't I?

Sorry,

how much did you have sex?

Is that important right now?

Uh, you told me

that it wasn't a very
physical thing with her.

All things are physical.
What do you mean?

But if your chances of getting
someone pregnant are that low,

then... you must have given
it a pretty good crack.

Not really because whether we
had sex once or a thousand times,

Not really because whether we
had sex once or a thousand times,

each individual
chance was very low.

Oh, okay, Sportsbet.

Can you not drag me
over the coals here?

It's... this is before
you and I got together.

This... this might be too
much for me, actually.

Oh...

Ugh. I've got to go back in.

Ash...

- Come on.
- Congratulations.

Ciggie?

Yeah, man. Actually,
that'd be great.

No, do you have one?

No, I don't. Sorry, man.

So, she walked off
and you followed her?

No, I thought she wanted space.

Durr Burger!

Rule 462 of How To
Not Be A f*ck:

When you tell your girlfriend
you got your ex pregnant...

- But did I, though?
- You follow her.

Thank you.

So, you've been spreading
your seed for years

thinking you were
sh**ting blanks.

- Classic male.
- Oh, is it?

Sorry, she who
hates all men now.

And they are blanks.

Well, then I guess
you got yourself...

- Don't say miracle baby.
- A miracle baby.

f*ck ya.

Your chickens are coming
home to roost, mate.

- Oh yeah?
- Yup.

'Cause your chickens need
help with their homework

and you're at a f*ck'
k.d. lang concert

jiving out in the mosh pit
in your f*ck' Doc Martens.

Sorry.

We really need to
update your references.

- I'd bloody love that.
- Okay.

Oh, speaking of babies...

That's so sweet.

- Total breach of our license.
- Oh, but...

Hey, sorry, guys.

- Brett is onto it.
- Yeah, no minors.

- Aw, leave 'em.
- What?

If she was eating a meal
it'd be okay, but, you know.

Sorry, she's three months old.

How is she supposed
to eat a meal?

Ah, it's all right,
Jules, we'll, um...

We'll just... we'll
order something.

- We actually don't do proper meals.
- Hey, guys.

So, it's not like she's gonna
order a f*ck' drink, all right?

This is f*ck'
ridiculous, all right?

- It's f*ck' ridiculous.
- Okay, easy.

No, it's not easy! Okay?!

We haven't been out of the
house for like 12 f*ck' weeks!

We haven't been out of the
house for like 12 f*ck' weeks!

And now that she's
not f*ck' crying,

I thought, "Wouldn't it be
nice to go grab a drink."

But no, this f*ck' country
with its f*ck' rules

and your dumb f*ck' brewery!

I've f*ck' had it!

And I'm taking this!

Jules...

It's sh*t beer!

- Sorry, mate.
- Sorry, man.

Ah, it's... it's all good.

Rules are rules, right?

It's just been... tough.

For her and me.

Um... yeah.

Babies are f*cked.

- I'm not sure, hey.

- You could... nup.

Bless you.

Man.

That looks f*ck'
horrible. I don't want that.

Yeah, it doesn't look easy.

You should be grateful. At
least you know about yours now.

You know, my mate?

His missus had one of those,
what do you call them?

Toilet babies.

- Toilet babies?
- Yeah.

Thought it was a
gluten intolerance.

Turned out,

nine-pound baby.

Well, that's really
helpful. Thanks, Bretty.

You're welcome.

Gordo, look at me.

You're gonna be a great dad.

All right?

Father is a verb.

And when you keep doing the verb

you become the noun.

- Did you make that up?
- Yeah, I did.

You're across nouns
and verbs and all that?

I won the English prize
in Year 10, you f*ck.

Sorry, man. Nah,
that's all right.

That's really beautiful, Bretty.

Thank you.

You're a good friend.

I know. Back to work.

All right, boss.

- Ah...

If it isn't the fruit of
my love's luscious loins.

Lee...

No.

To what do we owe the pleasure?

You're... so, you're back here?

- Mm?
- Huh?

Oh, yes, no, the seminar
only lasted a couple of days.

Seminar?

Yes. Linguistics.

Just me and Australia's
top cunning linguists.

Thought Mum kicked you out.

You thought, you thought.

"I thought I had a think,
that's what I thunk!"

Mm, that's what she told me.

No.

Red wine? White wine?

Icy pole?

No, thank you. I'll just
wait for Mum in the kitchen.

Ah, bup bup bup!

You will find the third
Williams sister on the court.

- Okay.
- Allow me.

No, I know where it is.

Thank you.

I mean, we were just getting
off the ground, you know, Mum?

Seeing if, like, we
actually work together.

And now what? I'm
supposed to be a stepmum?

Well, that doesn't
make me a grandmother.

Well, that doesn't
make me a grandmother.

- What?
- It doesn't.

Can this be

about me, please, right now?

Poor Gordon.

He's gonna need a strong woman
by his side, Ashley-Marie.

What about what I need?

God.

That's enough, Denise.

Clean up now.

Darling, men need
champions right now.

I mean, look what
happened to poor Lee.

He got fired for being inappropriate
with his students online.

That witch preyed on him!

Anyway, I've taken away
his phone and his computer.

He's totally analogue now.

Just needs a tight
leash, that's all.

He had an iPad with
him at the front door.

Oh, that's just
for his word games.

His word games online?

Men's mental health
is very delicate now.

The suicide rate
just went up again.

You sound like a
men's rights activist.

Maybe I am.

On the bright side, darling,

running around after little ones

is a great way of
keeping the weight off.

Is a great way of
keeping the weight off.

I was a size 6
when you were two.

So, pregnant, are we?

Thought you were
looking a little ripe.

No, Gordon's got
a girl in trouble.

Ooh! Tin roof rusted!

Lee, can I just talk to my mum?

"Stepmother likes to punish."

Click, like,
subscribe, download.

Okay, you two are
f*cked. You're f*cked.

I just don't know why I came
here. Why do I ever come here?

Denise?

My racquet needs
re-stringing again.

The tension is pathetic.

- Sorry.
- Don't touch me, hey?

Ash?

You awake?

I am awake.

Oh, for f*ck'... I asked!

Oh, for f*ck'... I asked!

Did you ask because you
wanted to talk or fart?

I wanted to talk,

but seeing as you were
asleep, I decided I'd fart.

This stinks.

I'm going downstairs.

Why did you do it?

The... the fart or...

or the Yvette situation?

Both.

- Hey.
- Morning.

This is nice.

Please.

- You want to talk?
- Yeah.

Let's talk.

Okay.

Uh...

So listen, I think...

Well, I know...

I've spent a huge chunk of my life
dodging responsibilities, to be honest

And, um, I think this is probably
one that I should face up to.

If it is one at all.

But you are very
important to me now, Ash,

so... what do you think?

I really just want
us to work, Gordy.

So do I, Ash.

The fact that you're
owning all of this

does make me feel
better about everything.

But the situation itself
is completely f*cked.

Like, it complicates
my life hugely.

Yeah.

But maybe that's what being
in a grownup relationship is.

I don't know. Maybe
I've never been in one.

What do you think
Yvette wants exactly?

Well, I mean, I think she's
a bit dismissive of this.

So, you know, getting her over
that is probably a first step.

So, you know, getting her over
that is probably a first step.

Dismissive? Of... of me?

Well, she's waiting, I think,

you know, for this to be...

over.

Are you joking? Is
that what she said?

In so many words, yeah.

She said that?

Yeah, she did.

Huh.

That's what she said?

Yeah, Ash. Yeah.
I think she did.

Hmm.

Huh.

That's funny.

Lisa? Hi, Yvette, please.

I want to speak to Yvette.

- Which vet? We have several.
- No!

- Don't do that. We've done this one.
- Shh!

- No, we are not doing that either.
- Okay, let's...

- Dr Yvette is in surgery right now.
- Listen to me.

I want to speak to that
woman right now, please.

Ooh, silky bantam?

We're good. Thanks, mate.

I really just want
to talk to Yvette.

- I believe she's operating right now.
- Shh.

Well, there you go. Let's sit
down. Let's take a breath.

- Don't manage me.
- No, no. Sorry.

Hey, would you two like
a water or something?

We're fine, thank you.
Sorry, mate. I'm Gordon.

Gordon? With the little
guy with the wheels?

- That's right!
- Fabulous.

- Yeah.

- You are in excellent
hands with Yvette.

- Great.
- Oh, here she is. Woman of the hour.

- Great.
- Oh, here she is. Woman of the hour.

- What is going on?
- We need to talk, Yvette.

Do we, though? Because my
business is with Gordon.

Not sure that it is.

Better cut your claws, ma'am.

Oh! So sorry.

Here's the thing, okay?

- No, we are not doing this here.
- He and...

I'm so sorry, Pam.

Follow me.

Oh, sorry, Pam.

Sorry, Pam.

You have five minutes.

I'm about to de-sex
a Burmese. Right?

Ashley, what is your problem?

I'm not going anywhere, okay?

So, if you are gonna
have a baby with Gordon,

you are gonna have it with me.

Hey, sorry, bub.

Geraldine's actually going into
labour, so she could be a bit erratic.

- "Bub"?
- Who's Geraldine?

The python over there.

- Are you two a thing?
- Ugh...

- Ah...
- Oops.

Oh, no... Not really.

- How long's this been going on?

So sorry, why is the
snake out of her cage?

- Couple of months.
- Not very long.

But officially, pretty recent.

I don't think that these two should
be in the same room together.

So, there is a chance
that this kid isn't mine.

No, hang on a moment

- because you can be...
- Hold on.

Are you pregnant?

Yes.

Oh my God!

Oh, calm down, Micah.

You were so f*ck' sure
that it was mine, Yvette.

- I am.
- Are you?

Were you or were you
not seeing this guy

at the same time
you were seeing me?

- Don't remember.
- Yes, you do.

I... all right!

Maybe there is a
chance that it's his.

His or mine, I will
always be there.

I don't know about
dates and times.

I'm just a woman
trying to live. Okay?

I'm a woman in her forties
who wants to be a mum.

My sisters can do it.

My younger f*ck' sisters!

My mum's breathing down my neck.

"Yvette, why are you married
to your cats and dogs?"

"Why are you such a
fat, f*ck' loser?"

And here I am

at 12 weeks

for the first time
in my f*ck' life

at 43 years of age.

Why can't I have a baby with
someone who I actually like?

Why don't you like him?
There's nothing wrong with him.

Because he's boring!

- Micah, you're boring.
- Am I?

- Micah, you're boring.
- Am I?

Oh, that's news to me.

It shouldn't be!

When was the last time that you
and I did anything remotely fun?!

We like going bouldering.

I hate bouldering!

You like bouldering!

Bouldering sucks!

It's not even a
boulder, it's inside,

and you've got calloused hands
and your stupid pointy shoes!

They're disgusting! I hate them!

Anyway...

I'd love to... I'll...

- Yeah, we should go.
- Yeah.

- 'Cause of the...
- I think so.

Hey, ah, congratulations.

Thanks, buddy. Lots to
talk about, obviously.

Not really. Not for me.

I'm done here. Um...

Yvette, I'm sorry that you
felt the need to try...

Oi, nah, nah. Text it.

Get out of my practice.

Trying. It's on your foot.

I know it's on my
f*ck' foot, you child.

So, I propose we go inside,

we get Colin,

and then we go to
a bar and get drunk

with our dog.

That sounds amazing.

- Let's do it.
- Yeah.

Um, wait.

At what point in
the courting process

do you usually tell the girl
that you can't have kids?

Uh, yes...

Ah, are you the girl?

Yes, I'm the girl.

Yeah, okay, well,
I would say now.

All right, then do it.

Can't have kids.

Yikes.

- Yeah.

- How do you feel about that?
- Um...

Maybe a little bit sad?

But also, do I want to
be a mum? I don't know.

Big thoughts. Big,
big questions.

Is it a dealbreaker?

I think I'd rather have you

I think I'd rather have you

and maybe not have kids

than be with some guy
who can have them.

I think I'd rather be with you.

That's beautiful.

- Maybe.
- I'll take it.

I'll take a maybe. Let's go.

- I have a big question though.
- Hit me.

Why... was that snake...

- Oh!
- Out of its cage?

Yes! I don't know but I've
been thinking about it.

- And I think...
- Dropped your keys.

I think maybe it's
to bring on labour.

Yeah, bring on labour. That's
the only thing that makes sense.

But you know what? I thought a
pregnant snake would be like...

like one bump, like...

Like a skinny lady.

Yeah! Like eating
a big meal, or...

Nah, they're all
stacked vertic...

No, like lengthways, the
eggs. 'Cause I looked it up.

- Are they?
- Yup.

And they just pop out
like a Pez dispenser?

- Yeah.
- Straight out of the cloaca.

What?

Cloaca?

Cloaca!

That's the one thing.
That's the one hole.

That does everything.

That's the an*s, that's
the vag*na, that's the lot.

Mate, get yourself a
cloaca. You got it sorted.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna make an
appointment with a plastic surgeon.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna make an
appointment with a plastic surgeon.