03x01 - Chrystal

[bunniefuu]

Crystal: [Groans] Great f*cking
day for a boat ride.

[Birds chirping]

"Meet me on the boat at
the starboard side of the dock."

The f*ck is starboard?

Hello?

[Birds chirping]

Timmy?

[Drum playing]

[Water gurgling]

[Chirping continues]

Timmy?

[Drum playing]

Hello?

[Drum continues]

Timmy?

[Footsteps approaching]

[Sighs]

[Singsong voice] Hello?

[Door closes]

[Chirping continues]

-Ahoy!
-[Gasps]

Oh. Hey, Timmy.
What's good?

-What's good?
-I don't know, Crystal.

You tell me.
Maybe a little sex,

maybe a little drugs,
and a lot of rock 'n' roll.

[Laughs]

[Opening theme music playing]

You still haven't told me what
exactly we're doing today.

Oh, it's just gonna be
a chill-party kind of thing.

Oh, party.

Well, party for two,

[Singsong voice]
but it's gonna be epic!

[Singsong voice] You said
it was gonna be chill.

We contain multitudes, Crystal.

No, thank you.

You don't know who I am, do you?

Who are you?

Are you...

[Chuckles] Okay.
All right.

Okay.

♪ All right ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah-ah, yeah

Yeah!

[Rock 'n roll music continues]

Come on... Albert Natural.

Where have you been
the last 30 years?

You've been shipwrecked on a
desert island and left for dead?

[Grunts]

I'm sorry.

That was, um, that was,
that was uncalled for.

And that was a little defensive.

I just, um, we used to be big,

or at least we had
a dedicated following,

and now nobody knows who we are.

And, um... yeah.

That was your band.

Yes, that was my band! Yes.

And I want us to come back,
which is why you are here.

Okay?

My girlfriend, Ashley, is gonna
be here any minute now,

and I think we should set
sail on that lake

and make an epic
lovemaking video.

You film it, you edit it,

you put it up on
the World Wide Web, and then...

and then it goes viral, right?

And Albert Natural?
Back in business, baby!

What?

Oh, no.
Is that inappropriate?

Did I...

Dang it. I knew I should have
told you before you got here,

but I wanted to tell you in
person because, you know, I'm...

I'm nice, but I...
I screwed it up.

I screwed it up.
Okay, okay. Go home.

Go, go.
I'm so sorry I offended you.

-I'm so sorry.
-No, stop it. It's fine.

I used to PA "Real Sex" on HBO.

There's nothing
you can say that...

Buddy, you're okay.
You're fine.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Well, if you aren't... amazing.

Thank you! Okay.
All right! So we got a plan.

-We got a good plan.
-No, that's a bad plan.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Wait. Why bad?

Sex tapes don't go viral anymore.

Missed the boat, kid.

Well, maybe you don't know
what I have to offer just yet.

What do you have to offer?

What?

What?

[Whispering] My rod.

-I'm sorry.
-I didn't hear you.

My rod.

-What?
-My rod!

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

All good things to those
who wait.

You're not gonna
have to wait that long,

because Ashley will be
here any second now.

Really excited to meet her.

Any second now.

[Water gurgling]

[Camera clicks]

[Camera clicks]

[Birds chirping]

Would you mind
if I put my robe on?

It's a little chillier out here

than I thought
it was going to be, you know?

Ashley is running late.

-I know.
-But you know how women are.

You know, she probably wants
to look nice and smell nice.

And it's okay.

It's quite the little bag
of tricks you got over there.

-Oh, yeah.
-This ain't my first rodeo.

Ashley!

That's Ashley?

Can I help you?

Hey, do you know Alfred Natural?

-Albert.
-Albert Natural.

What?

-What are you doing?
-You want to be Ashley?

-No, don't.
-Don't do that!

-What the f*ck?
-Don't let a good fish go.

-He's a perfect Ashley.
-Crystal! Shh-shh-shh!

-Look what you f*cking did.
-[Sighs]

No... no!

I'm sorry.

Um... I'm practicing
scream therapy,

and I'm not exactly sure
when to scream.

Is that a lie?

What do you think?

Yeah, I think it's a lie.

Uh, f*ck it. I don't care.

Maybe not. No.

You're definitely
a stunted man-child

who just screams every time
he doesn't get what he wants.

-That's what you think?
-Yeah.

-Well, maybe...
-it's not that at all.

[Screams]

Yeah! [Laughs]

All right.
Little montage music.

So, what do you think
happened to Ashley?

I think she probably caught
wind of a part of me

that many people find
undesirable.

This place has literally
everything.

Look.
Spot for the drums.

Bonus!

And they have this
whole safety corner over here.

Come see this. Look.

The floaty ring
that you throw out.

You got the fire extinguisher.

You got the ax.

Why do you need an ax?

-Oh! Come up here.
-Come see this.

I have this deep desire to see
people and be seen by people.

And, yeah, sometimes
I come across a little strong.

Here. Get closer. Whoa!

Little tubby.

Big, ol' tubby!
Am I right?

It's like... it's meta.
It's so cool.

Yeah, check these guys out here.

And you could call it
desperation.

-That's fair.
-[Laughs]

I used to be able to do
it better,

but you get the idea.

But lately I've been trying
to own it.

I want to be a famous rock star

in deep connection
with the world.

You look cool.

I want to be on stage
and have them worship me and,

and my music and...

and yes... my rod.

[Clears throat]

But more importantly, I...

I want to be in deep connection
with another human being.

Come on!

Come on!

You little raccoon.

It's my only coat.

I don't think it's the coat.

-It's you. No.
-[Growls]

What sounds do raccoons make?

I don't know.

You're sweet. You're fun.
You're cuddly.

A little scary.

I thought I had
that connection with Ashley,

and we could share it
with the world

in the form of a beautiful,
pure, lovemaking video.

But... I guess I misread
the situation.

And, you know, I mean,

that happens to me more often
than I'd like to admit.

Yeah. You're vicious.

I'm a lot vicious.

Anyhow, easy come, easy go.

You want to head back?

I'll do it.

What?

[Camera clicks]

Okay. You rolling?

Yeah, I'm rolling.

Are you, are you set?

Give me a second.

-Sorry. I'm just...
-I'm nervous.

Yeah. I'm ready.

Okay.

[Mid-tempo instrumental music
playing]

♪ Mama says
it's the little things ♪

♪ But I say... ♪

-You want to see?
-♪ ...it's the big stuff ♪

Yeah.

Not yet!

♪ And I don't want
your tiny diamond ring ♪

♪ I just want your big,
big, big, big love ♪

[Laughs]

Are you ready for mega time?

♪ It's so big and hard
to find ♪

♪ It's too much to take ♪

♪ But this whole time,
it's been right there... ♪

[Growling]

[Roaring]

Holy sh*t!

♪ Wa-huh, wa-huh ♪

Can I touch it?

♪ Wa-huh-ah-huh ♪

Be careful.

- ♪ Wa-huh-ah
- Okay.

♪ Wa-huh-ah ♪

-Gentle, gentle, gentle.
-No, no, no!

[Laughs]

No! No! Timmy!
Come here.

No! Come back here!

Timmy?

Hey, buddy.

Where'd you go?

Timmy?

It's fine.
It happened... to every guy.

Hey.

[Song continues]

[Camera clicks]

[Camera clicks]

Hey.

You want to hear
some nautical wisdom?

It's not the size of the boat.

It's the motion of the ocean.

Hey, buddy. It's okay.

That's very funny.

[Laughs]

-Crystal, you're so nice.
-I'm so embarrassed.

-Oh, God.
-Don't be embarrassed.

I'm ashamed.

No. I knew there wasn't
an Ashley.

I knew from the first time
you said her name.

What, you did?

Yeah.

You came, anyway?

Yeah.

I mean, I didn't think
you were gonna pay me $1,000

to sit on a boat
and videotape you.

-You're incredible.
-Oh, it's fine.

This isn't even the first time
someone has asked me

to re-create
the Pam-and-Tommy sex tape.

Wait. There's a Pam-and-Tommy
sex tape?

Mm-hmm. It's like most famous
sex tape of all time.

Pam and Tom Skerritt?

No. Tommy. Tommy Lee.

Tommy Lee Jones made a sex tape?!

How did I not know this?

All right, listen.

I am down to make a banger
of a sex tape with you.

-Lovemaking video, please.
-Lovemaking video.

But if we're gonna do that,

I need you to be honest
about what you want

and... about who
you actually want to be.

[Water gurgling]

This is really soft.

Yeah.

It's actually quite beautiful.

Yeah. [Chuckles]

Oh, my God.

[Both laugh]

-Rock 'n' roll!
-Yeah.

All right, give me a sec.

Oh, I look good.

Yeah, you do.

Mm-hmm.
This is big.

-It's beautiful.
-Yeah. Okay.

Dinnertime!
[Imitating guitar]

-Wait!
-I got an idea. Hold on.

-Don't move.
-Okay.

-Don't move.
-You are gonna love this.

-[Roars]
-[Laughs]

Oh, my God!
It's a big, bad wolf!

I hope it doesn't eat me.

Actually, I hope he eats me.
[Roaring]

[Both laugh]

-Wait. No, no, no, no, no!
-Please, please.

No, it's okay.

-Don't... don't take it off.
-Don't.

I'm not ready. I'm not.

-Hey!
-Please.

I got you, I got you, I got you.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

Yeah. It's okay.

[Water gurgling]

There you go.

Yeah.

[Softly] Yeah.

[Laughs]

All of it.

[Camera clicks]

-[Gasps]
-Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

-I didn't mean to scare you.
-I'm sorry.

I was just excited to see you.

-Oh, my God.
-What time is it?

I don't know.

I don't really care.
Honestly, I'm just...

I'm happy to be here.
I'm happy to be alive.

Happy to be with you.

-Yeah.
-[Chuckles]

All right.

It's cool.

-Oh, it's not cool.
-It's awesome.

Seriously, I don't
want to blow this off.

This was amazing what you did
for me today.

You were so kind
and generous and...

and you taught me.

I don't have to be worshiped
on stage for my rod...

Such a good rod.

Or to make some stupid sex tape.

I just need one person.

That's everything, right?
And I...

And now I've got it,
so I'm just happy.

That's so cool.

Um, should we head back?

What?

No, it's just you, um,
you hired me for the day.

It's night.
We could... just head back.

-Right! Right.
-That's why you're here.

Because I hired you.
Of course.

-No.
-No, no, no, no, no.

-It's not.
-Crystal, it is...

It's um...

-Crystal, it's fine.
-I completely understand.

And yes, of course
we will go back. Yes.

Okay.

-Wait. I'm sorry.
-Hold on just one second.

One second. I just...

I don't want to be
a petulant, little boy.

I want to be the man that
you taught me how to be today.

And I want to say what I want,

and what I want is
to keep sailing with you.

I want to head out
into the brackish,

where the lines between
saltwater and freshwater

and men and women
are just obliterated.

And, and I want to keep
making this,

this free jazz,
improvisational music.

I want to rock out with you,
Crystal!

Yeah. [Chuckles]

-Don't fake-laugh with me.
-And don't fake-smile... please.

It's beneath us.

If that's not what you want,
just tell me.

Just be honest.

I think it's cool if we just...

if we just, like...

If we just, you know,
we could, um...

we could go to the deck,
and we could have a drink.

And we could talk
about whatever...

-Is that what you want?
-Yeah.

Are you lying?

[Voice breaking] No.

Are you scared?

No, I'm not scared.

Because you look scared to me.

And I know what scared
people look like, Crystal.

So, maybe we do it this way.

Maybe...
maybe I count to 10.

And if you want to hang out
on the dock

and have a drink
and keep sailing, great.

I would love it so much.

But if you're scared,
and part of you

thinks something terrible
might happen here tonight...

then I want you to have
a 10-second head start, okay?




[Breathing heavily]


Crystal!

[Clattering]

[Birds chirping]

[Steps clanking]

[Clattering]

[Water gurgling]

[Steps clanking]

[Camera clicks]

-[Door creaks]
-[Crystal gasps]

[Crystal screams]

[Closing theme music playing]

[Theme music continues]