15x09 - Smartificial Intelligence/Firehouse Bob

[bunniefuu]

Are ya ready, kids?

[kids] Aye-aye, Captain!

I can't hear you!

Aye-aye, Captain!

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

[kids] ♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ If nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

-♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
- Ready?

[all] ♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

[pirate] ♪ SpongeBob
SquarePants ♪

Ha ha ha ha!

Argh!

[Gary snores]

Wake up, Gary!

It's time for

Bikini Bottom News
with Perch Perkins.

Oh, good thinking, Gary.

The news can be
pretty topsy-turvy.

Meow.

Good evening, Bikini Bottom.

In tonight's top story,

a local squirrel got stuck
in a well.

Help! Get me outta here, y'all!

Must be embarrassing
for whoever that is.

But first, radical changes
in machine intelligence

were made today when a local
squirrel got stuck in a well!

-[grunts]
- Ow!

Yee-haw!

Looks like we won't be needing
those lazy firemen anymore!

Huh?

This just in!

Local TV news reporter
Perch Perkins

has been fired!

-Fired?
-Meow?

Fired?

The long-time local
news veteran

is being replaced by the
latest in reporting technology,

Newsbot 2000,

effective immediately.

Yes. Thank you, Perch.

You can't do this to me.

We here at Bikini Bottom News

salute you for
your years of service.

[grunts]

Sorry, sir.

We can't let you leave
with any company property.

Can't I at least keep the box?

Of course.

[sighs]

[screams]

But the hair belongs
to the studio.

That wasn't a toupee.

[sighs]

[sad jazz music]

This is terrible!

A robot could never replace
someone like Perch

in our hearts!

I won't stand for this!

I'm gonna give that news studio

a piece of my mind!

We want Perch!

We want Perch!

Bring back Perch!

Pardon me, sir.

Would you care to tell
the folks back home more

about your protest?

Oh, of course!

You see, Perch Perkins
is my favorite newsman

in the whole ocean

and--uh. Wait a second.

Perch?

Is that you?

-No loitering!
-[screams]

As a fan of Perch Perkins,

what do you think
about a robot taking his job?

You can't just replace someone
with a machine!

Pat-tron, take over
this protest for me.

Perch! Come back!

We need you!

[panting]

[pants]

Oh, no.

Old Reporters Row!

Where TV reporters
finish out their off-air years.

Low of 55. High of 72.

Out top stories--
Back to you, Bob.

Perch!

You don't belong here!

[zombie groaning]

Do you trust
your breakfast cereal?

Is King Neptune's crown
too small?

Babies: for or against?

[screams]

[panting, breathes heavily]

Here's a burning story.

This reporter's stash of
old magazines is running low.

Perch? Thank goodness!

We have to get you outta here!

Why bother?

The only thing I know
how to do is hold a microphone.

And Newsbot has
that all sewn up.

Who else would hire me?

There's lots of places that
can use a fish of your talents.

Come on. I'll show ya.

Barg'n-Mart?

Hmm.

I suppose we could use someone

to make in-store announcements.

Welcome aboard!

[grunts] Huh?

Uh... Attention,
Barg'n-Mart shoppers.

Cheese is on sale
in the dairy aisle.

[excited rambling]

Wow!

And fresh flowers are marked
down in the floral department!

-[screams]
-[excited rambling]

-[sighs]
-[glass shatters]

[nervous panics]

Perch Perkins. Aisle Seven News.

Can you tell us
what happened here?

Well, Perch.

I was procuring my pickles

when I noticed my palms
had grown quite dewy.

-Whoa!
-Whoa!

Alas, my realization
came too late!

My hands,
slickened from exertion,

could not hold on
to their briny bounty!

A heart-wrenching tale.

Perkins!

You're supposed
to call for a clean up!

Not interview the mess maker!

Look at all
these injured customers!

[painful groaning]

My pickled leg!

You're fired!

[grunts, grumbles, screams]

[glass shatters]

[sad music]

Perch! [pants]

That's okay.

I lined up another job for ya.

Oh.

Luckily, I know a guy here.

[clicks tongue]

Perch. Hey!

Welcome to the Krusty Krab!

Always good to have
a former celebrity on the team.

Thank you?

SpongeBob said you're good
on the microphone.

So, I'm putting you
on drive-through duty!

[rings bell, gasps]

Hehe. Haven't used it
in a couple of years.

Okay. Start making me
some money.

-[horn honks]
- Larry wants to order

a Krabby Patty.

Would you like fries with that?

-Sure! Why not?
- Oh.

Would you like to upgrade
to a Krabby Combo

and get a small soda?

Uh, okay?

Would you like
to explain why your gym

has been hit
with 15 health code violations

-this month?
- Uh. [laughs]

Uh, Larry's a busy lobster,
you know. [laughs]

[narrator] Several hard-hitting
hours later...

Larry just wanted to work out.

He didn't mean for all those
people to get athlete's shell!

Perkins!

-[crying continues]
-[shouting, hooting]

Let me guess.

You're firing me?

Here's the scoop: Yes!

[sad groaning]

[pants] Perch,
where are you going?

Back to Old Reporter Row
where I belong.

Oh, no. We're not giving up yet!

If you're no good
at anything else,

then you'll just have
to report the news again.

But how?

Don't you worry.

I've got a plan.

Please take Perch back!

You have to!

Wah!

Hmm, as the manager
of this news network,

give me one good reason
why I should.

Because Perch Perkins
can out-report

your dumb old Newsbot

anytime, anywhere!

Ha. I'd like to see him try.

Good. Then you will.

SpongeBob, I can't
out-report him.

The guy's a machine.
Literally.

I believe in you, Perch Perkins.

[sighs] Okay.

It is on.

[both growling]

It's a news-off!

You know the rules.

Whoever reports the most news
in the time allowed,

wins.

On your mark.

Get set.

News!

Oh, the huge manatee!

A simple news-off
turned ugly today when--

Breaking news!
A pile-up has left

multiple boats mangled
beyond recognition!

[Newsbot] This just in!

A towering inferno
in downtown Bikini Bottom!

News flash!

A tidal wave is headed
straight for the city!

And this reporter has
an exclusive interview!

Mr. Wave, why are you
doing this?

[screaming]

[cheering]

Grr!

Time to turn the news
up a notch!

Bikini Bottom streets
pocked with potholes!

[TV announcer] Scoop!

Who keeps tipping over
our old ladies?

[TV announcer] News flash!

The bridge to Shell City
has collapsed!

My leg!

[TV announcer] Exclusive!

[groans, grunts]

There's no way anyone could
report that much news.

Unless...

Come on, SpongeBob!

Mysterious rash
covers beach goers!

Bikini Bottom bank robbed!

Vandals strike
local fast food restaurant!

Argh!

[Perch] We interrupt
this onslaught of news

to bring you a special report.

Local news robot, Newsbot,

has been causing
the very stories he reports on!

He destroys the bridges!

He robs the banks!

[maniacal laughing]

He tips over the old ladies!

And right now,
he is cutting the brakes

on this bus full
of adorable baby snails!

Excuse me, Newsbot.

Care to comment on your crimes?

Uh-uh--This isn't
what it looks like!

It looks like you
ran out of news

so you made your own.

[laughs] I--uh--

So, which came first?

The news story or the reporter?

N-news! R-reporter! Old ladies!

Exploding boats-- My face!

For more, let's go to our man
on the street.

Newsbot.

[stuttering, malfunctioning]

Report! Report! Report! Report!

Explode!

Congratulations, Perch.

Looks like you are un-fired!

Hooray! You did it!

Here's your news hair back!

This just in.

[screaming]

[SpongeBob] Gary!

Gary!

Gary!

Gary!

-Meow.
-Gary?

Where are you, Gere-bear?

-Meow.
-[pants]

-Meow.
-Gary!

[pants, grunts]

Gary!

How did you get up there,
you silly snail?

Come on. Jump!

Jumpity-jump-jump-jump!

Meow.

Huh.

"In case of pet in tree,
pull down."

All right. [grunts]

[sirens blaring]

[grunts]

Did someone call
the fire department?

[triumphant music]

Wow.

Step aside, citizen.

Ladder. First aid. Blanket.

Let's hustle, people. Hustle!

Okay.

Here I come.

Yeah.

You're safe now, sonny.

Almost there.

Meow. Meow.

Thank you for rescuing
my little Gare bear.

[giggles]

Hey, Larry.

I'd like to be a firefighter.

Can I be one, please?
Can I please?

Sorry, SpongeBob.

There are no openings
at this time.

[slipping, struggling]

-[screams]
-[bone cracks]

[groans] I think I shattered
my skeleton.

-Again.
-[sirens blare]

Ooh. I may regret this

but it looks like
we do have an opening.

See you at the firehouse,
I guess.

[narrator] The next day.

[triumphant music]

[blabbers] Gahhoydin!

You okay there, SpongeBob?

Oh, yeah. Haha.
Reporting for duty!

Meow. Meow--

[clears throat, barks]

-I brought my own snail-mation!
-[barks]

Okay.

Well, welcome
to the Bikini Bottom

Volunteer Fire Department!

Oh, yeah! Where's the fire?
Where's the fire?

I'm gonna fight it!
I'm gonna fight it!

Where is it? Where? Where?

Yep. I'm regretting it.

[pants]

Here we keep the hoses
that extinguish the fires.

Well, they sure extinguished
my thirst!

[laughs]

Upstairs.

This is the bunk room
where we rest up between fires.

Ooh! Should I pick a bunk?
[grunts]

No, too soft.
[grunts] Too hard.

Tutu? [groans]

Too lumpy. Whoa.

Patrick!

I'm gonna start fires!

Put out fires.
We put out fires.

If you say so.

[sighs] Rookie,
meet your fellow volunteer,

Charmed, I'm sure.

My pleasure. You look familiar.

Hey! What's that?

The First Fire?

Wow!

Is this the first fire
in the history of forever?

No. It's the first fire
we ever got called to.

We keep it as a memento.

Hey! Fire poles!

Wow! Can we slide
down the poles?

Hold on there, greenhorns.

You need to learn
which one to use.

This is the pole
to the fire boat.

This one's to the kitchen.

It's slippery.

It's buttered.

This pole goes to the bathroom.

That's my ride.

Ooh. Where does this pole go?

Oh, that one's the mystery pole.

It never goes
to the same place twice.

I love a mystery!

-Yay!
-No! Wait!

-[screaming]
-[multiple shouts]

[endless screaming]

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

How do you stop
this crazy thing?

Hit the brakes!

[gurgled screaming]

[screaming]

-[screaming]
-[monkey howls]

No! No! Huh?

[screaming]

Do you still love a mystery?

[groans] Not so much these days.

All right. Line up!

Squidward!

You volunteered too?

Not me. Mr. Krabs.

He was court-mandated for this

but sent me in his stead.

I'm a proxy.

Ooh. Hi, proxy.
I'm boxy.

I'm foxy.

Well, then I'm an escapee.

All right. Listen up!

This is the training area.

The reason why
there are three of you

is because one Old Man Walker

is worth three good men.

And I couldn't find
three good men

so I got you...

Your training starts now!

And hopefully ends
at some point.

First up, fire hose skills.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

-[shouting]
-[gurgling]

[gurgling]

Help! Fire!

Someone save my baby!

We'll save your baby!

Careful, SpongeBob. Slowly.

-[screaming]
-Save my baby!

-[grunts]
-[seagull squawks]

-Mama!
-[groans] What she said!

[screams, grunts]

Oh. [laughs]

I saved the baby, chief.

And what about the mother?

The-the mother?

[screaming, grunts]

[Patrick groans]

The mother!

Congratulations, men.

You passed your training.

-Yeah!
-Woohoo!

k*ll me now.

You're all
volunteer firefighters.

-Huzzah.
-[cheering]

Huh?

Sorry, Squidward. We're out of
fire helmets and walkie talkies.

But, um...

Here's some stuff left over
from our last party.

[groans]

[walkie talkie beeps]

[indistinct whisper]

Another pet in a tree?

I've got better things to do.

Like sleep. Hmm?

Look alive, men!

You've got your
very first assignment!

[siren blaring]

It's Spot!
He's stuck in the tree!

[triumphant music]

Wow.

What was I thinking?
It's SpongeBob!

Never mind. Sorry to bother you.

He can stay in the tree.

Step aside, citizen.

Ladder. First aid. Blanket!

Hustle, people!

[stutters, screams, grunts]

Yeah, this is firefighter
SpongeBob to Chief Larry.

The rescue subject just
regurgitated all over Patrick.

[gurgling sounds]

Squidward got hurled on too.

[laughing]

Keep up the good work.

Come on, boy.

-Jump!
-[whimpers]

Meow. [barking]

[barks]

Good snail-mation!

-Huh?
-[bell rings]

Do you hear that?

There's a fire somewhere!

A real fire!

Hustle!

-[failed beep]
-Huh?

Oh, uh, Squidward.
The siren is broken.

Could you, uh, [honks].

Watch where you're going, bozo!

A fire house on fire.

Talk about your cheap irony.

Help!

The First Fire escaped!

[giggling]

Save me!

Okay. Jump!

[shouts] Whoa!

Well, that was a rip off!

Okay, men. Fire hose skills!

[all shouting]

-[all shouting]
-Mother of Pearl!

Don't worry, you're saved!

[laughs] Hey! You know--

[all screaming]

-[barking]
-[sirens blaring]

Did somebody
need three good men?

Meow! Meow!

Now, hold on in there, you kids.

[grunts]

-[victory music]
-[grunting]

-[grunting]
-[thumps]

[triumphant music]

Wow!

Ha! Didn't I tell ya

Old Man Walker
is worth three good men?

Hey! Where's SpongeBob?

Yes! I saved it!

I saved the First Fire!

-Whoa!
-[menacing sounds]

[screams]

I wonder if I can volunteer
for something safer.

Medical experiments.
That sounds good.

This is your lucky day!

I'm also a volunteer doctor.

-[screaming]
-[laughing]