01x08 - Spoiler: We’re as Confused as You Are

[bunniefuu]

♪ [QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Check it out.

The Justice League
are all centaurs.

Superman centaur,
Batman centaur,

- Green Lantern centaur.
- Yeah, we got it.

BERT KIBBLER: Aquaman centaur,

but he's a seahorse.

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

We have to go back and get
the machine with the controller.

From the place
we were about to die?

[HESITATES]
Try not to focus on that.

Kripke, what are you doing?

Checking out my horse business.

Ah!

[WITH RHOTACISM]
Impwessive, wight?

We need the other machine.
We have to go back.

- Again, g*ns.
- [DEVICE TURNS ON]

Okay, so we don't go back
exactly. We scooch it a little.

There's a scooch button?

- Maybe. Uh, this thing turns.
- [DEVICE BEEPS]

[OMINOUS WHIRRING]

Oh, oh... Oh.

♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

- [PORTAL WARBLES]
- ♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪

♪ [THEME SONG PLAYING] ♪

♪ Stuart tries
To reset our lives ♪

♪ But he fails
To save the universe ♪

♪ He's our only chance
And he tries and he tries ♪

♪ But he fails
To save the universe ♪

♪ Stuart tries ♪

- ♪ He tries ♪
- ♪ But he fails ♪

♪ Fails ♪

- ♪ Fails ♪
- ♪ Fails ♪

♪ [CHOIR VOCALIZING] ♪

♪ Stuart fails ♪

♪ [THEME SONG CONCLUDES] ♪

- Okay, no one's sh**ting at us.
- [DISTANT EXPLOSIONS]

Oh, no. Trevor and Kyle.

♪ [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

They died how they lived,

reading comics
they didn't pay for.

Rest in peace, fellas.

Gweat. We'll send fwowers.
Wet's go.

♪ [DRAMATIC MARTIAL
MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[JET ROARING OVERHEAD]

So, where is this other machine,
oh, gwowious weader?

Can you not be an as*h*le
for, like, a minute?

I'd wike to, but, uh,
it's kind of my brand.

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

All right, here's the plan.

Somewhere here are guys
who look like us.

We find them,
we find the machine.

That's not a plan.

That's just restating
the premise.

♪ [INTENSE MARTIAL MUSIC
PLAYING] ♪

What are you maggots doing here?

Gary?

It's Lieutenant Jeffries,
Soldier.

What'd you ever see in that guy?

He reminded me of you.

We're moving out at 0900.
Get back to your unit.

Uh, and...
and that's where exactly?

Two klicks that way. Let's go.

[JEEP ENGINE REVVING]

Anybody know what a klick is?

[COUGHS]

♪ [DRAMATIC MARTIAL MUSIC
PLAYING] ♪

BARRY KRIPKE: Oh,
this doesn't wook good.

COLLINS: [WHIMPERING]
I want my mommy!

I want my mommy!
I want my mommy!

I want my mommy!

Oh my God. He's holding
his intestines in his hand.

- Could be worse.
- How?

He could be holding them
in a wittle sandwich bag.

Charlie Company, fall in!

All right, listen up!

Lieutenant has
a few words to say.

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

GARY: Thank you, Sergeant.

Charlie Company,
there's no easy way to say this.

Alpha Company
didn't make it back.

Bravo Company
didn't make it back.

And if you're familiar
with the alphabet, you're up.

Ah, sh*t.

We're outgunned.
We're outmanned.

And we're facing a lethal
and merciless enemy.

All right. We're gonna say
a little prayer.

Everybody take a knee.

Atheists, sit, stand.
Your choice.

♪ [SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[EXHALES]

Lord, we're probably
coming home to you today.

'Cause near as I can figure,

we're marching straight
into a monumental a*s-reaming.

So, polish up the pearly gates.

We'll be seeing you soon.

Amen.

♪ [MUSIC SWELLS, FADES] ♪

- [EXPLOSIONS]
- DENISE: Oh, God. [SHRIEKS]

Where'd you put the machine?
We gotta get out of here!

I left it in our barracks
to keep it safe.

Wouldn't it be safer to escape

being k*lled?

- Without question.
- [SOLDIERS GROANING]

We need to get out of here.

Yeah, we were just chatting
about that.

I left the machine back in camp.

Sure, why would you bring
a magical transport device

to a bwood-soaked b*ttlefield?

[DENISE SHRIEKING]

Push the button
and get us out of here!

Oh, go ahead, tell him!

First thing you need to know,
my intentions were good.

All right, Charlie Company!
Let's end this w*r!

Right here, right now!

- [YELLING]
- ♪ [THRILLING MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[g*nshots FIRING]

♪ [DRAMATIC ORCHESTRA
MUSIC OVERLAPPING] ♪

[g*nshots CONTINUE FIRING]

This seems
unnecessarily graphic.

♪ [SOMBER MUSICAL CHORD PLAYS] ♪

- Hang in there.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- [expl*si*n]
- ♪ [ROUSING MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

For Lieutenant Gary! Follow me!

- [DENISE SCREAMS]
- ♪ [MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY] ♪

Oh my God, what did you do?

Oh, I shot him in the back
so we don't have to die.

How is that not cwear?

Don't step on Keith.

♪ [BROODING MARTIAL
MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

♪ [TENDER MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

- Hello.
- Really?

Mm, being close to death
is kind of a turn-on.

I don't know, honey.

I still have little bits
of Gary in my hair.

Ew.

♪ [PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

You okay?

Not weawy.

Conscience bothering you

because you shot
that guy in the back?

No.

Well, if you figure it out,
I'm here for you.

We're never gonna find
the other machine.

Let's just use the one we have
and get out of here.

Ugh. I think
that's the last of Gary.

Thank you.

I can't leave.

I have a responsibility
to repair, you know,

the infinite totality
of everything.

♪ [TENDER MUSIC RESUMES] ♪

Damn me for falling in love
with a hero.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

♪ [MUSIC SWELLS] ♪

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- ♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Charlie Company! Fall in!

As you might have noticed,

your prior commanding officer
did a pretty good impersonation

of Sonny Corleone
at the tollbooth yesterday.

Really?

Never saw The Godfather?

Doesn't matter.
Anyway, we'll miss him.

Rest in peace. Blah, blah, blah.

Here's your new
commanding officer,

Captain Williams.

Thank you, Sergeant.
Very moving.

Men...

and lady,
I'm not gonna mince words.

We've received intelligence

that indicates we are
in worse shape than yesterday.

- Yesterday was a m*ssacre.
- Can that talk, Soldier.

Bwoodbath.

Sure, I'll give you bloodbath.

♪ [PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Now listen,
I get that you're all sh1tting

the proverbial brick right now.

Totally understandable.

But as your commanding officer,
it is incumbent upon me

to raise your spirits,

to give you hope.

So, I want you
to think about this.

Many years from now,
overweight men will dress up

in uniforms
just like you're wearing.

And others will dress up
like the enemy.

And they will reenact the battle
you are about to fight.

But afterwards, they'll go out
for beer and wings

and talk about how you died
a noble death.

A noble death.

Kind of tickles the ba*ls,
don't it? [CHUCKLES]

All right, any questions?

- Yes, soldier.
- ♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

What exactly
are we fighting for?

Family, country, God.

What is the enemy fighting for?

The wrong family,
the wrong country,

and the wrong god.

Oh, and one last thing.

We're running low on morphine,
so, uh, try not to get wounded.

Okay, let's go
k*ll those b*stards.

- ♪ [MARTIAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- ROBINSON: Company, move out.

Double time.

♪ [MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY] ♪

- New plan. Let's get the hell out of here.
- ♪ [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

What happened to getting
the other machine?

You want the other machine,
knock yourself out.

- SMITH: Halt.
- ♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

SMITH: Why aren't you
with your company?

Uh... [HESITATES]

Why aren't you
with your company?

[CELL DOOR SLAMMING SHUT]

"Why aren't you
with your company?"

Shut up.

I was just talking to Jeremy.
He's one of the guards.

He says they're gonna line us up
and sh**t us.

You hear that?
You hear what Jeremy said?

- Hang on. Okay.
- ♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Okay, you know what?

We're thinking
about this all wrong.

We don't have to find
the other machine here.

- We can just go back and get it.
- Go back where?

We set our machine to go,
centaur, telepathy, cows,

three universes,

and we just take it
from the other version of us.

- Trippy.
- ♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪

- Question.
- Go ahead.

We're in a pwison cell.

- Technically, not a question.
- You're wight.

Have you noticed
we're in a pwison cell?

♪ [INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[GROANS]

[QUIETLY] How's it looking?

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

I had a chance
to talk to the judges,

and I've examined
the evidence against you.

And?

And this shouldn't
take too long.

Because we're innocent?

- Sure.
- [DOOR OPENING]

- ♪ [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- Oh sh*t.

DENISE: Oh sh*t?
Why, "Oh sh*t"?

Oh sh*t. Her.

Look who it is. It's Penny.

You know Firing Squad Penny?

We just know her
as regular Penny.

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

- Captain.
- Major.

- Are these your traitors?
- Yes.

I mean, they're presumed
not to be, but yes.

I weawy don't like the way
this is going.

ADAMS: At 0800,

this court martial
is called to order.

Major, would you please
read the charges?

With pleasure.

[CLEARS THROAT]

The defendants are charged
with cowardice

in the face of the enemy,

desertion, espionage,
m*rder, and mutiny.

Espionage?
When did we do espionage?

[SHUSHING]

These are serious charges.
How does the defense plead?

A moment, Your Honor.

I'm thinking guilty.
Just rip the Band-Aid off.

- Uh, we're not guilty.
- ADAMS: So entered.

Major, would you like to make
an opening statement?

Thank you, sir. [CLEARS THROAT]

In front of you sit four
of the most foul, pathetic,

loathsome creatures
to ever wear the uniform.

Ouch.

We've all been witness
to their cowardice,

but even more heinous

was the discovery
of this device,

clearly a means to relay
information to our enemy.

Captain Siebert, can you explain
what we have here?

A moment.

[STUART BLOOM
WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

No.

The evidence against these four
is irrefutable.

The only possible penalty
is death.

- ♪ [TENSE MUSICAL STING] ♪
- By firing squad.

That's how she got the nickname.

[STERNLY]
Say something. Defend us!

Your Honors, I'd like to speak
on my client's behalf.

- Go ahead.
- Thank you.

Do we really know
what happened in the fog of w*r?

- We have video.
- Let me start again.

Though clearly guilty,
wouldn't we, as a nation

- of God-fearing men and women...
- ♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

...best display our values
by showing mercy

to these miserable,
undeserving wretches?

- ♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪
- No.

Have you got anything?

Your Honors,
if you'll indulge me,

- I think I can clear this up.
- Make it quick.

- ♪ [STIRRING MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- We're not from your universe.

These two gentlemen and I
are from a version of reality

that's even worse than this one.

There's, uh, mutants
and giant moths.

You don't even wanna know.

And this lovely young woman
is from a universe

where humanity is controlled

by a globe-straddling
artificial intelligence.

Not helping.

So, what you're
calling desertion,

cowardice in the face
of the enemy,

is actually us trying
to bravely restore order

across all universes.

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

Yeah, just sh**t us.

Hey, that was gweat.
Weawy gweat.

Court will now adjourn
to consider a verdict.

Fingers crossed.

- [SIGHS] Okay.
- ♪ [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

I say we gwab the machine
and get out of here.

Look around.
There's guys with g*ns.

I'll cweate a distwaction.

Oh, why don't I create
a distraction and you get it?

What's your distwaction?

I don't know. Asthma attack?

♪ [MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY] ♪

Let me see.

[IMITATES HYPERVENTILATING]

- [INHALER HISSES]
- [SIGHS]

Yeah, I'm not buying it.

- ♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- What don't you buy?

I've been practicing it
for 25 years.

How about this?
If we can find a deck of cards,

I can distract them
with some close-up magic.

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

ADAMS: The defendants will rise.

[IMITATES HYPERVENTILATING]

- I'm having an asthma attack!
- [INHALER HISSES]

- And I am thinking of a card.
- [IMITATES HYPERVENTILATING]

Court finds the defendants
guilty on all counts

and sentences them
to death by firing squad.

Sweet!

♪ [SNARE DRUMS ROLLING] ♪

Stuart, I love you.

It's me, but I'll pass it down.
Stuart, I love you.

- It's me.
- Pass it down.

- Stuart.
- Yeah?

Bert woves you.

♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

All right, I'm gonna give you
one last chance

to save your a*s.

We have prepared
a fake battle plan.

All you need to do
is use your device,

transmit it to your friends
on the other side,

and we'll commute your sentence
to a life of hard labor.

Done, done, and done.

All right, untie him,
take his blindfold off now.

Hi.

Okay, uh, let me
just warm this up.

And we are preparing to transmit
the fake battle plans

on three, two, one!

- [DEVICE WHIRRING]
- What's happening?

♪ [MUSIC RISES, FALLS] ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪ [MELLOW COUNTRY
MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Wha...? What?

What is happening?

We're in a universe
where everyone's a centaur.

- [YELPS]
- I call it the centaur universe.

♪ [MUSIC SWELLS, STOPS] ♪

- Go back two more worlds, honey.
- Uh, right, right.

[DEVICE BEEPS, WHIRRING]

What? [SIGHS]

♪ [MELLOW COUNTRY
MUSIC RESUMES] ♪

I do not hate this.

♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Get the device.

- Don't make this difficult.
- ♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

♪ ["MR. BLUE SKY" BY ELECTRIC
LIGHT ORCHESTRA PLAYING] ♪

- ♪ Sun is shining in the sky ♪
- [g*nf*re]

♪ There ain't a cloud ♪

- ♪ In sight... ♪
- Oh, sh*t.

How long
do we have to stay here?

Just until we follow ourselves
so that they, which is we,

run to the centaur world
where they become us.

- I don't understand.
- No one understands!

There we are!

- [SOLDIERS SHOUTING]
- [OTHER DENISE SHRIEKS]

- Let's go!
- [GROANS]

Are you okay?

Ooh, muscle cramp,
all the running.

DENISE: You should eat a banana.

- ♪ [INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- [ECHOING SCREAMS]

- ♪ [UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- THE ADVERSARY: Their forward progress
has been stopped.

Your only task
is to keep them here.

- KYLE: Uh, question?
- THE ADVERSARY: Yes, Kyle?

Um, what if somebody wants
to buy that comic book?

♪ [MUSIC SWELLS] ♪

THE ADVERSARY:
Don't sell it to them.

What do we say?

THE ADVERSARY:
You tell them it's not for sale.

- Good. That's good.
- We got your back.

Or whatever you have.

- Your circumference.
- [CHUCKLES]

- ♪ [EERIE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- Where the hell are we?

I'm gonna guess wherever we are,
we're trapped.

♪ [MUSIC INTENSIFIES] ♪

♪ [MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY] ♪

♪ [CLOSING
THEME MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

♪ [CLOSING
THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪