06x14 - George Gets Smoking Mad at Benny and Develops an Orale Fixation

[bunniefuu]

Hey, George.

Just got off the phone
with the insurance guys.

We have a brand-new
health care plan.

As long as there are
no more cutbacks, Jack.

The only doctor we have
on our plan now is at the mall.

Of course my blood pressure
was gonna be high.

The lingerie store had
brown mannequins in the window.

They were like that...
Hello.

No, George.
No more cutbacks.

In fact,
this plan has everything

you and the workers wanted.

There's just, you know,
one little catch.

You gotta tell 'em that
in order to afford this,

nobody at the factory
can smoke anymore--

not here, not at home.

What? You can't tell people
what to do in their own homes.

Well, my lawyers tell me
that since we're paying

for the insurance,
it's perfectly legal.

They also tell me that I can
date that big girl from shipping

if I just make her
a subcontractor.

I love those guys.

Jack, these are the same guys
that approved thong Thursday.

You want to see Ernie come
to work like that again?

I don't.

You tell people they can't
smoke, they're gonna go crazy.

Look, George,
we're not heartless.

We'll provide patches, gum,
therapy--whatever it takes.

Besides, they'll have
a whole month to quit.

Jack, half the workers
are chain smokers.

Why don't you just fire

everyone with a tattoo
or criminal record?

Then it'll just be me,

you and that born-again dude
in accounting.

No, it'd just be you
and the born-again dude, George.

I got a little 4-leaf clover
south of the border.

If someone's looking at that,
their luck has run out.

All right,
everyone listen up.

I got some
very, very good news.

We have a new health plan
with cheaper prescription drugs,

dental coverage
and lower co-pays.

Whoo!

Uh, there's just,
uh, one little thing.

If you're a smoker,
uh, you have to quit.

What the hell are you
talking about, George?

Everyone has a month
to quit smoking,

or else there'll be, uh...

¿sabes qu�
Uh, repercussions.

What kind of repercussions,
Lopez?

The kind that make you
lose your job.

Don't do
anything crazy, Carl.

No job,
no protein shake money.

I just wanted
to thank you.

This is the incentive
I needed to quit.

Oh! You got
your n*pples pierced.

I can feel them
through my shirt.

That's nice.

You can't make us stop smoking.
I know my rights.

Of course you do.

They've been read to you every
new year's Eve since I was 7.

Where's my mom?

Oh, she's in the living room
watching TV.

Poor thing is ready
to crawl out of her skin.

What did you say
to convince her to quit?

The same thing I wrote
on her mother's day card.

"You're old, and you
better not lose your job,

"because â¿sabes quã©? I'm not
taking care of your a*s.

Warmest regards,
your son, George."

Oh, Benny. I made you
some carrot sticks.

I thought maybe
they'd give you

something to hold
instead of cigarettes.

You know what I'd like
to hold in my hands right now?

Your throat!

Forget the carrot sticks.
I need a chair and a whip.

Hello, Princess.

Daddy, why are you still
wearing your scrubs?

Oh, I didn't
have time to change

before I left
the hospital and...

He wears them to the grocery
store so he can meet women.

I need 200 c.C.S
of macaroni salad, stat.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought I was still
at the hospital saving lives

and making
mad stacks of cash.

Hey, Vic,

you remember to bring
the nicotine gum for my mom?

Oh, yeah.
How is she doing?

You'll see.

Just don't make eye contact
with her.

I never do.

She's 4 feet tall.

Mom, Vic brought you some more
of that nicotine gum.
Oh, you know what?

You can keep it. That crap
doesn't work for me.

So try the patch. Just stick it
on and forget about it.

The average person
only needs one a day.

Well, I must
be freakin' special.

Benny, you can't wear
three patches.

It'll make you sick.

No, you idiot.

This one's so I don't
get knocked up.

Now all you need to find

is a guy with a patch
over each eye,

and you're all set.

Quit it! Screw this! I'm gonna
go to my house and have a smoke.

No way. You're gonna
lose your job.

Well, okay then. You know what?
You are gonna have to help me.

You're the manager.
You can cover for me.

Are you crazy?
Then I'll lose my job.

Thanks for nothing.

Why don't you get
some chairs that work?

George, I don't think
she's gonna make it.

She may need
professional help.

No way.
She'll never go for it.

What if she has a nervous
breakdown or something?

Who's gonna take care
of her then?

The church.

She's small enough.

We'll put her in a basket...

Leave her on the doorstep,
ring the bell and vã¡manos!

Ding-dong ditch.

We can't ignore this.
We have to do something.

Look, Angie, you gotta
give her credit.

I mean, she's already gone
a week without a cigarette.

She's tough.
She'll make it.

Dad, Veronica's hogging
the bathroom again.

She's in there drying her hair
and she won't let me in.

Do you really need
to use the bathroom,

or are you just trying
to sneak in there

and peek at your cousin
blow-drying her hair again?
Dad, if I really wanted
to spy on her,

I'd lean a ladder
against the tree

and use the periscope
I built in shop class.

So thank you
for not trusting me.

Come on, Veronica.
Open up.

I'm not in there.

I never shower
when Max is home,

not since I found him
in the hamper.

Oh, quã©la. Mom.

What are you, 15?

It's only one cigarette.
Leave me alone.

Put it out.
Get back!

I'll turn this dryer
on high

and split your ends
right down to the root.

I think she's bluffing,
but you better go first.

Your hair's
already dried out.

What?!

* all my friends

* know the low rider

* the low rider

* is a little higher

**

Benny,
we know this is hard,

but we only want to help you.

Let us be a resource.

She doesn't understand
your language. Let me translate.

Mom,
put the cigarette down,

or I will plunge the smoke
right out of your little--

George, don't you dare
touch your mother with that.

I'm gonna clean it
before we use it on her.

Mom?

Fine.

I'm starting
to lose it, George.

I have been sucking the nicotine
stains off my fingernails.

I'm down to my pinkie,

but I was saving it
till after dinner.

We've got to do
something else, George.

Shock therapy.

I'll fill the tub with water.
You get the hair dryer.

What's going on
up here?

It's my mom.
She's in bad shape.

Is there anything you can give
her to get her through this?

Well, there are some drugs,
but I wouldn't recommend them

until she's tried
behavioral therapy.

I know someone
who can see you right away.

No therapy.
I am not a nut job.

You're standing on toilet

and you're sucking
your fingernails.

Benny, part of treating
an addiction

is recognizing the behavior
that leads to it.

Mom, if you want, I can take you
to Vic's guy right now.

Ha! Never!

You know what, Benny?
You don't have to go to therapy.

You--you can come downstairs
with me, and we can go online

and read inspirational stories
of real people

who have climbed this mountain
and come out on the other side,

safe and whole.

Vic's guy it is.
I'll meet you in the car.

That was ugly, but it worked.
Good job.

Benny, I know you're
not happy to be here,

but I want you
to know that I...

I sympathize with everything
you're going through,

and I'm gonna do
everything in my power

to help you overcome
your addiction.

When you say that,

it makes me want to smash
your face with this paperweight.

Mom, you said
you'd give this a chance.

You're in danger.
Make your point quickly.

I just, uh,
I need some background

so we can figure out what
triggers your need to smoke.

Now when did you start?

Uh, oh, let's see.
I was crying all the time.

I felt trapped.
I-I wanted to k*ll myself.

Oh, yeah.
I was pregnant with him.

You, uh, you started smoking
when you were pregnant?

Yeah, I was trying
to keep off the weight.

But, uh, after you had George,
did you try to stop?

Hell no.
I needed to smoke.

I had to hold down two jobs

just to feed
this bottomless pit over here.

You never fed me.

One time I was so hungry

I tried to eat the beans
out of a beanbag chair.

Here we go.
The needle on the record.

"She's a bad mother.
I'm hungry. I'm cold.

My foot won't stop hurting."

You drove over it.

You knew I was drinking.

You shouldn't have been
playing on the lawn, George.

So... that's when
i, uh, started smoking.

Well, let's try to figure out
what's causing your stress now.

Do you smoke at work?

Oh, uh, maybe a-a little.

Every time she coughs,

she hacks up enough tar
to repave the parking lot.

Okay, so work. Now, uh,
when else do you smoke?

Oh, I don't know.

Sometimes, you know, I like
to have a smoke after a meal.
Mm-hmm.

"After a meal"? She eats
at my house all the time.

She smokes during meals.
You can't fool anybody.

That wasn't steam coming off your soup.
Shut up.

You shut up.
Okay, hello? Hello?

Well, it, uh,

it sounds like you two
spend a lot of time together.

I can't
get rid of her doctor--

carpools, work, after work,
dinner, holidays, weekends,

in my nightmares,
assorted gatherings...

Tambiã©n.

Okay, uh, well, Mrs. Lopez,

it doesn't usually happen
this quickly,

but I think
I figured out your trigger.

See? All those diplomas
on the wall, mom,

they mean something.
Learn from this man. Learn.

It's you, George.

Me?!

You're done, fool.

Come on patches, let's go
get you some more of that gum.

Clearly when you're around
your mom, she smokes more.

Figures
this is all your fault.

You wish it was my fault.
It is your fault.

Okay, okay, okay, look,
I know it's hard, George,

but you're
her stress trigger.

'Sta loco stress trigger.

She's the one
that gives me stress.

Tambiã©n, anginas.

Didn't you hear
what I said, man?

I ate a chair!

Well, how'd it go?

It was a complete waste
of time.

I loved it.
The guy's a genius.

Let me guess.

Your addictive personality

is a result
of your unstable childhood.

No, I smoke because George
is a whiny little girl.

That doctor didn't know what
the hell he was talking about.

He wasn't even a real doctor.

I tried to show him
the mole on my back.

He was like, "sir,
please pull your pants up."

Why do you show that thing
to everybody?

She was
a horrible mother,

but I'm the bad guy
for complaining about it.

I agree. She was awful.

But if the doctor says
that you're making her smoke,

maybe you can
cut her some slack.

Do you really
have to complain?

Yes, because now I can.

When I was a kid,
every time I complained,

she'd smack me
upside the head

and say, "thank you for visiting
the complaint department."

It was the only department
in her store,

and it drank a lot.

That was a long time ago,

a-and there's something
more important happening here.

We all know where
the smoking is leading to.

Do you really want
to watch your mom

die a slow, painful death?

If her eyes roll back
in her head

and her arms shake
like a little bug,

yeah, I'd like to see that.
George.

For the first time
in her life,

your mother has a real reason
to quit, a-and if you help her,

it won't just
be good for her,

it'll be emotionally healthy
for you.

But I didn't do anything.

Why do I have
to be emotionally healthy?

Because
it's the right thing to do.

Mom?

Yeah?

Are, uh... you still gonna
try to quit smoking?

No, I want to lose a job

and live in a small box
in the middle of the road.

What kind of a dumb question
is that?

Okay, uh, here's the deal.

I'm gonna try
to stop complaining

because I don't want
to be your excuse for smoking.

So if you can't quit,

it's 'cause you're
self-destructive, undisciplined,

and you never gave me
a birthday party

when I was a kid!
George.

Starting now.

You're gonna try?
Ha! Good luck.

I watched you try to learn
to skateboard, ride a bike,

use a toilet.

You fell over
and hit your head every time.

Well,
what can I say, mom?

I was a clumsy little boy.

But, you know, if you want
to try it, go for it.

Fine with me.

It would be so nice
not to have to listen

to a grown man complain
like a 3 year old.

Hey, you know what?

Pick me up tomorrow
at 8:00.

Oh, and try not
to fall off the can.

I don't want you
to hit your head and forget.

Hey. Man, it's nice to go
down to the loading dock

and not have to smell
cigarette smoke.

Now it's just truck exhaust

and, uh, the fumes
from that green stuff

the government
won't let us throw away.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Oh, you must have got
the last fruit pie.

The vending machine's
all sold out.

The workers can't smoke,
so they're eating.

Oh.

Hey, so how's it going
with not insulting your mom?

Well, you know, it's been
two weeks, and it...

Gets easier all the time.

You just need discipline
and self-control.

Man, look at all these
fruit pie wrappers.

You ate them all!

órale, c.S. Pie.

Go investigate
someone else.

It's 11:00, and you're just
punching in now?

Oh. I had one of my really,
really bad nights, George.

I kept having this nightmare
that this fat-headed kid

kept crying, "play with me.
Play with me,"

and all I wanted was to have
a cigarette and smack him.

I don't know
what that means.

It means that, you know,

you're fighting an addiction,
and it's okay that you're late.

Excuse me.

Oh, no, George.
George, stop!

This is emotional eating, okay?
I used to be big. I know.

You're eating because you're
stressed out about your mom.

I'm not stressed out, man.
I'm just hungry.

Mind your own business.

Oh, this is so good,
I can't believe.

George, George, I need for you
to add this invoice, okay?

It's gonna be over ten,

so I'll wait while you take off
your shoes and socks.

You miserable, old--

huh. I'll take care of it
right now.

I'll take those.

Hey, there's nothing but apples
and pears in there.

What am I supposed to eat?
What's with him?

I think it's you.

Yeah.

He's eating
to stuff down his feelings

because he doesn't want
to insult you.

Hey, I didn't ask him
to do that.

You know,
I've known you a long time,

and I've never told you this,
but you're a cold woman.

Huh?

Your son
is eating himself sick

to try and keep you from k*lling
yourself with cigarettes,

and you don't even
appreciate it.

You know, um, my lungs
are working again...

And I can run you down
like a dog.

Yeah, well,
it's just a theory.

I'll catch you later.

I can't take it anymore!

I'm lighting up.

Mom,
what the hell you doing?

I'm getting fired.

I am who I am, George.

I'm a smoker.

It's more than
an addiction.

It's a lifestyle choice,

like being a cross-dresser
or--or a t*rror1st.

But you've been here
for 40 years.

I mean,
where you gonna go?

Oh, come on.
I'll find another job.

I'll just live cheaper.

I just know that I gotta
get out of here, George.

Boy, I'll tell you what.

It's been pure hell
these last few weeks.

Now you know what the first


you bitter old troll!

Oh, that felt so good!

All right.
Everything is back to normal.

Now you can stop
stuffing your face.

Wait a minute.

You're not quitting
so you can smoke.

You're worried about me.

Yes, it's all about you.

Why does the sun rise
in the morning?

Because George
is afraid of the dark.

You know, you don't have
to leave, mom.

I mean, it's been tough not
being able to insult you,

but, you know,

I'll find a way
to deal with it.

How? Look at you.

Your pockets
are stuffed with candy.

You got pie
all over your face.

You're not a man anymore.
You're a trick-or-treater.

Sit down.

Let's talk.
Come on.

Let's be honest,
George.

We have been the way we are
for over 40 years.

We're not gonna change now.

I mean,
you know, who knows?

Maybe not being around you
all the time,

it'll be easier for me
to quit smoking.

You're really gonna
leave the factory?

Yeah.

Hey.

I know you really
can't say it, but...

I know why you're doing this.
Thanks, mom.

I can say it.

Georgie, the truth is,

with all the crap
I've gone through in my life,

there's really
only one thing

that's ever
brought me happiness.

You don't have to say it.

Cigarettes.

That's why I didn't
want you to say it.