06x11 - George is Lie-able for Benny's Unhappiness

[bunniefuu]

Hey, did my mom call?

No, I thought
she carpooled with you today.

Oh, she did, but she lit
a cigarette in the car again,

so I pulled over,
and I kicked her out.

You left your mom
in the street?

No, I slowed down
so she could get back in.

Then when she got close,
I sped up again.

Then I slowed down,
then I sped up.

Hey, tell her about when
your mom dove for the bumper,

right when you hit the brakes,
it was like, boom! Pow!

That was accidental,

but very funny.

George,
some guy called for you.

He said he was one
of your mom's boyfriends?

Well,
that could be anybody.

I mean, my mom was
the fast food of dating--

easy, cheap and perfect
when you're drunk.

Hey, yeah, she was the first one
with the dollar menu.

He said his name
is Wayne hill?

Wayne hill. Oh, man!

Well, he said he's single now,
and he's coming over

to talk to you about Benny.
Again? I wish that guy would
stop trying to use me

to smooth things over with her.
Well, then just give him
your mom's number.

No way. I'm not letting that guy
anywhere near her.

I even told him
she lost her job at the factory

so he wouldn't try
to call her there.

What did he do to her?
Broke her heart, or whatever
she has that pumps blood,

Tequila and acid
through her veins.

You were there. Remember?

Oh.

Stop. Oh.

George,
take your girlfriend

and go play dolls
someplace else.

They're not dolls.

They're g.I.S,
and they're kicking hippie a*s.

Gotta go, babe.

I gotta be up early to film
a commercial for the new store.

Oh, I finally
hooked a winner.

You are the rent-to-own
furniture king.

Well, you know
what they say--

"behind every good man,
there's a good woman...

And quality furniture
for just pennies a month."

Unless, of course,
you miss a payment.

Then I Jack up
the interest 30%.

Oh.
Suckers.

Oh, don't talk like that
if you have to leave.

Hey, new water beds coming in.
Maybe I'll get you one.

You, too, little man.

Oh, he makes
his own water bed every night.

Mom!

What's that?

What?

Hello.

There's something
falling out of your pocket.

What the hell?

Yeah. What the hell
was that doing in there?

Benny, I swear, I've never
seen this before in my life.

You're cheating on me,
aren't you?

Hey, those things are so big,

I'll be there'll still be snow
on them in the summer. Hey.

He's a guy on TV.
Nobody respects him.

My mom was depressed for a month
after Wayne cheated on her.

That's why I don't even
tell her when he calls.

That was a long time ago.
Maybe he's changed.

Angie, guys don't change.

You've been trying
to change me for years,

but I still scoop
the peanut butter out

with my fingers.
No, you don't. I check.

Oh, I do. I just smooth it
with a spoon so you can't tell.

If you already
have the spoon out,

why don't you
just use that?

Because it tastes better
off my finger.

It's scary, really,
how little you know.

That's probably Wayne.

You better not tell what
really happened with Wayne.

I won't.

No, you know what? It'd be safer
if you just got out of here.

Nah, you can trust me.
I can keep a secret.
No, you can't.

You've never been able to keep
a secret your whole life. Out.

Oh, yeah?
I didn't tell you that

that guy at work,
"drill press" Steve, is g*y.

That's not a secret.
He stocks the vending machines,

yet they call him
"drill press Steve."

Think. Think.

Ahem. George.

Hey, George.
You look good.

I see
you're still lying.

All I said was,
"you look good."

And that's a lie, because
â¿sabesquã©? I look great.

I loss weight,

- and I had my teeth whitened.
- What-tcha.

Come on. It was 30 years ago.
Won't Benny at least talk to me?

Look, like I told you
last time,

my mom's not gonna see you,
man, so give it up.

You know, if I'm gonna get
turned down again,

I need to hear it from her.
What's her phone number?

It's 3--
not gonna happen.

Fine. I'll go look her up
in the phone book.

I mean, how many lopezes
can there be in L.A.?

Please tell me her number.

George, it seems like

Wayne is pretty determined
to talk to your mom.

Maybe it's time he knew
what was going on.

Yeah.

You're right. Um...

I-I didn't--i didn't want
to hurt you, Wayne,

but, uh, my mom's dead.

Oh, no.
I don't believe it.

Maybe you should tell Wayne
how your mom died.

You don't think
I can do that?

She smoked and drank
for so long, Wayne,

that she had
a myo-cardenas infection.

Don't you mean
myocardial infarction?

I wish. That's treatable.

The thing I said--
very deadly.

* all my friends

* know the low rider

* the low rider

* is a little higher

**

so, yeah,
I mean, there it is.

My mom passed away.

I'm so sorry.
I mean, after my divorce,

I really had it
worked up in my head

that somehow I had a...

I had a chance
of winning her back.

She was the only woman
who ever called me on my crap.

She made me a better man.

I can't believe she's gone.

That is so sweet.

Benny might have been
really happy to see you.

George?

Angie, she's dead.
She'd be happy to see anything.

Really, a cloud, a tomato.
Mention something.
Uh, a cat?

No, bro, she hated cats.

You really didn't know her
that well, did you?

Well, I guess not.

Well, if you don't mind, um,
I need time to grieve...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Internally.
Of course.

Dad, grandma Benny's
on the phone.

On the phone?

Stupid kid. He keeps
spilling her ashes.

Sponge off the phone

and put the urn
back on the mantel.

Take care, Wayne.

Surround yourself
with friends and family.

Grandma's mad that you
kicked her out of the car.

What are you talking about,
ashes?

I was lying to that man
to protect grandma.

What is he, a bookie?
Bill collector? Repo man--

married guy
with an angry wife?

All right. No more sleepovers
at grandma's for you.

Did you see how choked up
Wayne was about your mom?

I think you should
tell Benny about him

and let her decide
what to do.
No, I if tell her
about Wayne now,

she's gonna find out that
I've been lying about him

all these years.
She's gonna find out eventually.

No, she's not.
You're not gonna get
away with this.

The truth always comes out.
No, the Lopez way is you take
your secrets to the grave.

Then they come out
at the funeral and a big fight.

Remember when
my cousin Roberto died,

and the two women he was married
to found out about each other?
That was sad.

Sad? It was funny.
Two women in dresses

with painted-on eyebrows
throwing punches?

It was like
Mexican "dynasty."

If you don't tell
your mom the truth,

I am gonna lose
some respect for you.

Let me ask you something.
Would you lose so much respect

that you would leave me?
Well, of course not.

Okay, then I'm good.

What are you watching?

Uh, "sportscenter."

I'd stick around, Benny,

because there's
an interesting movie coming on.

It's based on a true story.

It's about a mom

who lied to her son
his whole life,

and then one time,
the son lies to the mother.

Oh, yeah.
I think I saw it.

It's the one where

Farrah fawcett
lights that guy on fire.

No, this movie
is really heartwarming

because the son
finally realizes

how much it hurt
when he was lied to,

so he decides
to come clean.

And then
she set him on fire?

Que la, what about the one
where the wife is right,

but she's so annoying,
that when she goes missing,

they don't look for her?

It's sad, but I found myself
rooting for the husband.

All I heard was,
"the wife is right."

Hey, hey,
what are you doing? Hey.

Okay.

We gotta talk
about something. Okay?

Remember a long time ago
you had this boyfriend,

this guy named Wayne?

Of course I remember Wayne.

He was the best guy
I ever went out with,

until, you know,
he cheated on me.

Wait, you liked him
that much, huh?

Oh, I waited forever
for him to make it up to me,

but he never did.

It's one of
my biggest disappointments.

Probably, he would've
changed my life forever.

Why do you bring him up?

Um...

He's dead.

I just thought
that you should know.

Well, he's probably not
gonna be looking me up now.

He's probably not.

Hey, I just signed
for these flowers.

Uh, they're from someone
named, uh, Wayne--

get rid of them.

What? What?

What is going on?

Who are the flowers for?

Um...

Angie.

Oh, yeah? Why does it say,
"rest in peace"?

Ha! I was good last night.

¿sabes qu�
She needs her rest.

Then why does it say,
"in loving memory"?

In memory of the loving.
Any more questions?

Yeah, how many times
are you going to mention

sleeping with my daughter
before I leave the room?

Look, I'm sorry. All right,
we both know she's an angel...

Till she walks up
those stairs. Hello.

Come on, George.

What are the flowers
really for?

You got something for Wayne,
didn't you?

All right. Yeah,
they're for Wayne's funeral.

I'm gonna take 'em
over there, you know,

'cause I always
kind of liked the guy.

Oh, my god.
Wayne is dead?

He was just here
yesterday.

God, it's so weird,

the way you told him
that Benny's dead,

and then the next day,
he dies?

How does that happen?

Wayne was here?

What is going on, George?

All right,
here it is, okay?

Wayne came to see you.

Okay, mom? He knew...
That he was dying,

and he wrote down
some last words for you.

"S-Sorry about everything.

"Forget about me.

Never blame George."

Let me see that.

It continues.

"I am writing
in disappearing ink

because I don't want
anyone to..."

It's gone.

Now we'll never know!

Now you better tell me
the truth about Wayne.

All right.
Wayne was here yesterday

because he wanted
to see you, mom.

I told him you were dead,
and these flowers are for you.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because he cheated
on you once,

and I didn't want
to see you get hurt again,

because you're my mom.

Really? Wow. That's nice,

but it's a lie.

Now tell me the truth...

Or I'll rip off
one of dumbo's ears,

and he'll only be able to fly
in circles!

Ow. Ow.

Tell her. Tell her.

There's nothing to tell.

It was all George's idea!

He set up
the whole thing!

Ow!

All right, all right!

Ow!

All right.
Here's what happened,

but just remember,
this is the '70s.

"Disco duck" was a hit.
White people had afros, mom.

Nothing made sense.

Hey, George,
George, George,

I got my mom's bra.

But if you have that,

where's skipper
and gilligan sleeping?

They're coming.

Stop. Oh.

George,
take your girlfriend

and go play dolls
someplace else.

I don't believe you.

You framed him.

Do you realize
because of what you did,

I hated men for 20 years?

Hated men?

Not on Friday
and Saturday nights.

How dumb
do you think I was?

I knew there wasn't
a ghost in your room.

Aah! Oh!

No ghost calls out
men's names.

Oh, now I get it!

I never understood why a ghost
would haunt for ten minutes,

go use your bathroom,
then haunt again.

Wayne was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

I thought
we were gonna get married.

Why would you
do something like this?

Wayne may have been
great for you,

but not for me.

Was he mean to you?

Did he smack you around
when I wasn't in the room?

Because that's okay.
I gave him permission.

It wasn't like that.

Mom, mom, guess what?

The coach picked me
to be on the all-star team.

Oh, that's great.

That means you're better
than all the other water boys.

No!
The game is Saturday night,

and you promised you'd go
if I made the team.

Okay, quit your whining.
I will be there.

Babe? Babe?

I got a big surprise.

George, go to your room.
Turn on the stereo.

No, no, not that.

I met
with this investor guy.

He may want to franchise
the business.

I'm gonna go to the fondue place
with him Saturday night,

try to seal the deal.
Babe, I really need you there.

You can't go, mom. You promised
you'd be at my all-star game.

I know,
but Wayne needs me.

Uh, if you really
are an all-star,

you'll make the team
next year,

and I'll--I'll--I'll go
to that game.

You couldn't share me,
so you ruined my life?

I didn't know what
Wayne meant to you, mom.

I was 10.
I didn't know anything.

I thought it would be cool
if you married Elton John.

Oh.

George, Wayne could've made
our lives so much better,

but you blew it.

Mom, I feel horrible about this,
but there's nothing I can do.

It was a long time ago.
It wasn't a long time ago.

He came by the other day,
and you told him I was dead.

You lied.

You're always
calling me a liar,

but you are no better.

Yes, I am.
I only lied once.

Really?
Is this the first time

Wayne tried
to contact me?

Yes.

He comes by
every time he's single.

It's been 7 times
in the last 30 years.

Oh,
he misses you greatly.

Seven times?

Okay, so I was raised

by the biggest liar
in the world.

You told me for my birthday
that you got me a cat,

like a special breed
called the "nut-cat."

That squirrel almost
tore up my whole face.

At least
I didn't ruin your life.

I'm gonna die alone,
thanks to you.

No, you're not, mom,

because I'm gonna find Wayne,
and I'm gonna fix this.

I'm gonna give you guys
a second chance.
You told him I was dead.

So I'll tell him the truth,
and I promise you, mom,

when he sees you,
he's gonna think

you're as beautiful now
as you were 30 years ago.

Oh, que la, I'm lying,
and now I can't stop lying.

I told you I'd fix it.

What's going on?

I brought Wayne here,

and he wants to catch up,
regenerate love.

Hello, benita.

It's been a long time.

Wayne.

It's good
to see you again.

I'll be right out.

Why didn't you tell me
I was gonna see him tonight?

Jeez, I would've worn
more makeup and less underwear.

Hey, she's wearing
underwear again.

Ay.

Okay,
this might work out.

Yeah, I hope so.
You know, it feels good

not having this hanging
over my head anymore.

Well, if you don't lie
in the first place,

then you don't have to worry
about hurting people.

You know,
I don't know about that.

Some lies are actually good for
people, like you, for example.
Don't tell me.

No, your wedding ring.
You should know.
I don't want to hear it.

If someone tries to steal it,
don't fight for it.

Should I fight
for my diamond earrings?

Only if that guy's small.
Damn it.

Ohh!

Hey,
what did he say to you?

All the right things.
We're going to a motel.
What?!

Look, I'm trying to take
things slow this time.

I'm gonna sleep with him,

but if things
don't work out,

I do not want him
to know where I live.

I got a good feeling
about this!

I feel bad for the people
in the next room.

They don't know
the motel is haunted.

Oh, Wayne.