[growls]
"C'est La Vie"
by BWitched plays
Ah, ohh
Hey, hey
Ah, ohh
Ah, ohh
I said, hey, boy
Sittin' in your tree
Mummy always wants you
to come for tea
Don't by shy
Straighten up your tie
Get down from your tree house
Sittin' in the sky...
[woman]
Coco, Sophie, Mel, and I
met in middle school ,
and we were instantly
best friends.
Sophie was the sweetest girl
you've ever met.
Hey, guys, I got us mixtapes.
-[girl] You're kidding.
-Oh, my gosh.
[squeals, giggles]
Thank you so much.
[woman]
Coco was a total badass .
Are you f*cking kidding me?
Hey, get back here! I'm gonna
stomp your f*cking a*s, b*tch!
...blow you away
Say you won't
Say you'll do what I don't...
[woman] And Mel...
Guys, look,
I just stole a Mercedes.
Mel was completely insane.
Holy sh*t.
-[honking]
-[Mel] Come on, get in.
-[sustained honk]
-I'm not gonna stop
until you get in.
-Wanna go?
-Okay.
-Can we go?
-Okay.
-Okay.
-Say you'll do...
[woman] We stayed super close
over the years.
All through high school,
and our 20s
and our 30s.
We always had
the best time together.
But unfortunately,
our lives have gotten so busy
with our kids
and our families and our jobs,
we never really get to see
each other anymore.
As for me,
I've been buried in work
for the last six months.
This court finds
for the plaintiff
and awards him full restitution.
-Case is adjourned.
-[gavel bangs]
-Ah.
-Thank you for your great work.
-Of course. Congratulations.
[chuckles]
-Thank you.
-I'll call you later. Okay.
-[client] Okay.
Hey, great job today.
Thanks. You too. You did great.
Honestly, I'm glad you won.
My client is such an as*h*le.
[laughs]
I've had my share of those.
So, I don't usually do this,
but now that the case is over,
can I take you to dinner?
Oh. Are you looking for a job?
[chuckling] What? No.
No, because I like you.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
Are you, uh--
are you asking me on a date?
-I was trying to.
-[chuckles]
Oh, yes. Okay. I would-- yes.
I would love that.
-Okay.
-Yeah, I'm good at dating.
-Great.
-Uh-huh.
When's good for you?
Okay. Um. Oh, let me look.
Let's see here.
So, I can't do this weekend.
And then my son
has soccer playoffs.
And my dad is getting
his hip s-surgery.
[sharp inhale]
Back in trial again. Um...
There-- July 19th?
-You mean three months from now?
-Mm. [soft chuckle]
The joys of being a single mom.
[chuckle]
You know what?
If something opens up,
why don't you give me a call?
-Yes. Okay. I will do that.
-Nice to see you.
All right.
Bye.
[sighs]
-That was sad.
-[phone ringing]
-[phone beeps]
-Hi.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I'm sorry. Okay.
Okay. Yeah. Be right there.
[man] Sophie!
[Sophie] I'm coming!
[mouthing]
[man] Sophie!
Where were you?
I was at my son's recital,
like I mentioned.
[stammers] You can't just
leave me like that.
I needed lunch,
and no one was here.
I was scared.
I know. I know. It's okay, Toby.
I got you lunch on my way back.
Oh, okay. Great. Well, just,
uh, do I get a choice?
I've just got to eat whatever
you've decided?
12-piece sashimi platter,
pork gyoza, and seaweed salad.
f*ck! That's exactly
what I wanted!
Yes, I know. Do you need a bib?
No. I'm not a baby.
No, of course not.
No, you are the parking lot
king of California.
Yes, I am. [chuckles]
Okay. Do you need anything else?
Yes. Yes, actually, I do.
Um.
Last night was a total disaster.
A light bulb died
in my second beach house,
and I had to change it myself.
Oh, Toby, I am so sorry.
I need you to stay
on top of my needs.
Anticipate.
You know? Anticipate.
-Absolutely.
-Okay.
[mouthing]
[car door opens, closes]
I still don't understand why
we have to exchange the kids
in, like, a neutral location.
Because every time we exchange
the kids at my house,
you break plates
and you make fun of my p*nis.
Okay, I don't...
Can I just have my kids, please?
Okay, girls.
-Have a good week.
-Hi!
Oh, my God,
I missed you so much!
You look so cute.
Look at those boots.
-Mommy!
-Hi, bubba! Oh, my God!
-Okay, here you go.
-Say bye to Daddy.
Have fun. I love you. Good bye.
Bye, Daddy. Bye, Margaret.
Oh, Margaret's here. Amazing.
That is awesome.
Put your seatbelts on.
Why you letting that hoochie
around my kids?
She's my girlfriend, Coco,
and she's great with the kids.
How is it even possible
that my husband
left me for an older woman?
You're supposed to leave me
for, like, Gigi Hadid.
Not Ina Garten.
-She's not Ina Garten.
-No, truly,
does she just, like, turn you on
with her Velcro sneakers?
I'm not entertaining this.
-Hey, bub!
-Hey, Mommy.
We can hear everything
you're saying.
Oh, you can? That's, um...
That's not great.
Mommy, why are you
always so mad?
That's a great question.
I, um...
I'm gonna say bye
to Daddy, okay?
-Did you put them up to this?
-I-- You know I didn't.
This feels like
you put them up to this, Roger.
Did she put them up to this?
No, no, she did not
put them up to this.
Have you thought about...
I don't know,
maybe going to therapy?
Oh, my God, with the therapy!
You gotta shut the f*ck up
about the therapy.
Look, I just think
a good therapist
might be able
to help you with your...
with your anger issues.
Are you calling me
an angry Black woman?
No, no, no. I'm not saying that.
I'm not saying-- I'm not--
No one's calling...
not calling her
an angry Black woman.
Let me tell you something.
I am mixed, m*therf*cker, okay?
And my Black side is cool
as hell right now.
Truly, she is wall-twerking
at the Essence Fest,
living her best life in
a white outfit with no stains.
But my white side? Ooh, baby!
You just pissed
my white side off.
It's like you just asked me
to put shoes on at Walmart,
and I ain't gonna do it.
You understand what I'm saying?
I don't. I don't understand
what you're saying, Coco.
Can we be done
with this now, please?
Okay.
Goodbye, Margaret.
Your hair looks nice today.
She's not deaf.
Whatever.
Mama, you okay?
Yeah. Yeah,
baby, I'm just, um...
[sighs] Yeah, these are tears
of joy, you know?
I'm just, like, really,
really happy to see you, so...
Everything in my life
is going really well.
It's going great.
[dog yips]
Sorry I'm late, you guys.
My day was crazy.
-Oh, this is the best part.
-[g*nshots on tv]
Oh, what are you--
Are you watching Pulp Fiction?
-No! No, no, no, no. Uh-uh.
-What are you doing?
Travolta's about to get
shot in the bathroom.
Hey, why don't you guys go
upstairs and get ready for bed,
and I'll be up in a second,
okay? Because it's 11:30.
I'm gonna say goodnight
to your uncle, okay?
[chuckles feebly]
Jesus, what did you do in here?
I was teaching the kids
how to cage fight.
I won every round.
Oh.
Oh, by the way,
the dog took a dump on the rug.
But don't worry,
I put a napkin over it.
Bye.
[phone ringing]
["Marie Kondo"
by Rachel Chinouriri plays]
[phone rings, beeps]
-Hey, Dad. How you feeling?
-[indistinct chatter over phone]
-Mm-hmm? [sighs]
-[chatter continues]
-Oh, well...
-[chatter continues]
Okay, you should probably
listen to your doctor,
because he knows
more about medicine
than the guy from YouTube.
Right?
-[chatter continues]
-Uh-huh?
-[line beeping]
-No, but you... Hello? Hello?
["Marie Kondo" continues]
[sighs]
I'm getting rid
Of everything
Starting with you
Starting with you
I'm learning
What a fool I've been
For starting with you
-Oh. Hi.
-Hi!
I'm so sorry I'm late.
All good.
-[Sophie] Is Mel coming?
-No.
I think she's in France.
You want, like,
a latte or something?
No, no, no.
I have exactly four minutes
before my boss needs me back,
so can we just
jump right in and talk about
what we're gonna do
for Jane's birthday?
Let's do it. I can't wait.
I'm so excited.
All right. So I was thinking...
m*rder Mystery dinner party.
Um...
Girl, I worry
about you sometimes.
-[chuckles]
-All right, birthday girl.
-What do you want to do?
-Uh.
Honestly, I want
to just lay down
and have someone
roll me up into a rug
and just sleep.
-That's it?
-Yeah.
Okay. You want to sleep.
Maybe, um, a spa weekend,
you know?
-Um, massages, champagne...
-[Jane] Oh, yeah.
...big comfy robes,
totally stress-free.
Oh, my God. That sounds so nice.
That does.
-Right?
-Yeah.
The last time I had a massage
was, like, my last mammogram.
Wow. Good for you.
Get that mammogram,
you little dirty b*tch.
[giggles]
Have you guys ever been
to the Solaris Eden Beach?
-Uh, no.
-I've been. It's amazing.
[Jane] That sounds really nice.
-So should I book it?
-Should you...? [laughs]
[Jane] What?
No. Oh, no. I ca-- I can't.
I thought we were
just joking around.
Yeah. There's no way I can
go away for an entire weekend.
My schedule's crazy. It's...
This is why we need
a spa weekend, you guys, okay?
We never do anything
for ourselves anymore. We don't.
When is the last time
we had an adult hang?
Like, a real adult hang
with, like, a pillow fight,
and, oops, my tit fell out?
We don't have to get that
crazy, but maybe we do!
I don't know!
But we're not doing that sh*t.
We're doing birthday parties
at Skyzone and Chuck E Cheeses,
trying not to get the norovirus.
What the f*ck?
Truly. I mean,
when's the last time
-we had an adult hang?
-It's been a minute.
Hanging out with your friends
is essential to our survival.
Do you understand? So come on.
Let's fight for this.
-Yep.
-[Coco] Come on, birthday girl.
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
-[Coco] What's up?
-[Coco] You want to do this?
-Mm-hmm!
-[Coco] Let's do this.
-Let's do this.
Sophie.
Okay. You know what? Screw it.
I am gonna ask my boss
for a weekend off,
and I'll get my husband
to watch the kids.
Yeah, girl!
I will call
the expensive babysitter,
the one who doesn't f*ck
her boyfriend in my bed.
b*tch, I know that's right.
I can't believe she did that.
That is so wild.
You should burn those sheets.
But yes!
Come on! We're doing it.
Wait, wait, wait, though.
Uh... Do we need to invite Mel?
No. She's a lunatic.
We're going to a spa, not Vegas.
Well, you know what?
She's a part
of our friend group,
so doesn't it feel kind of
mean to not invite her?
She's gonna find out that
we all went away without her.
Or perhaps we're just adults,
and we admit
that she's gonna ruin the vibe
because she's bat sh*t crazy.
Fine. We will not invite Mel.
Yes! Oh, my God.
I am so excited!
[phone chimes]
-I just booked a room.
-What?
We're going
on a spa weekend, b*tches!
[cheering]
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Am I ready?
I'm ready to go...
-[Jane cheers]
- Am I ready?
-Oh, my God!
-Ready, girl?
-[Jane] Yes!
-Here we go!
[laughs]
-...to be loved
-To be loved
Am I ready?
You deserve it right now
'Cause I want it
That's what
I'm talkin' about
Am I ready?
You gon' figure it out
-To be loved...
-[thumps]
To be loved
You found me
I was fed up with the fantasy
What you wanna do?
Think I'm ready, ooh
Think you like that
Think you like that
When I clap back like that
Let me know
-Am I ready?
-Yesterday
I would have run away
And I don't know why
-[Sophie] So cool!
-Yeah!
-Look at this place!
-Come on.
Namaste and welcome
to Solaris Eden Beach.
Oh, namaste.
-You checking in today?
-Oh, f*ck yes.
Thank you.
Excuse me. What?
-Hello.
-Oh, my God.
-[gasps]
-f*ck yes.
Oh, my God.
-Wow.
-Are you kidding me?
[Jane] It's gorgeous.
It's better than I remember it,
to be honest.
-It's beautiful.
-It's amazing.
-It smells good! Yes.
-Here?
[women giggle]
[Jane] Hello.
Welcome, Ms. Walsh,
Ms. Bellinger, and Ms. McCloud.
[Jane] Hello.
Oh, wow. I love it
that you know all of our names,
but it's also kind of creepy.
My name is Ayurveda.
-Hmm!
-Oh.
May I offer you a hibiscus water
or a complimentary glass
of champagne?
-[both] Champagne.
-Oh, hibiscus water.
-Cham-- Champagne.
-Mm-hmm.
Champagne makes me fart.
We didn't need to know that,
sis, but I love you.
-Ooh. Wow.
-[Coco] Yum.
-[Coco] Look at that.
-Thank you.
-So French.
-Ooh.
-Cheers!
-Cheers!
-[women giggle]
-I have you staying in
our serenity villa for the
next two nights. Are there any
spa appointments I could book
for you at this time?
-Yeah.
-Yes, all of them.
Oh, well, we do have
over 45 spa treatments.
Read them to me, Ayurveda.
-Deep tissue massage.
-Yes.
-Exfoliating facial.
-Yes.
-Mud bath.
-Yes.
-Goat yoga.
-What kind of goats?
-Nigerian dwarf.
-Then yes.
-Guided meditation.
-Ew, boring. No.
What? No, that could be
good for us.
What is a guided meditation?
It's a one-hour mental cleanse
led by our
guru-slash-general manager,
-[whispering] Shanti.
-Who's Shanti?
I am Shanti.
Oh, sh*t.
Wow, she looks like girl Jesus.
-I want to touch her hair.
-No.
I sense a great deal of stress
and anxiety in all of you.
Come to my guided meditation.
I will heal you.
I love you, Shanti.
[chuckles]
-Wow.
-Okay, ladies.
The bellman will now
escort you to your villa.
[Sophie] Wow,
this place is gorgeous!
[Bellman] Thank you. It's lovely
having you ladies over here.
Are we celebrating
anything at all or...?
-[Coco] Jane's birthday!
-[bellman] Oh!
Happy birthday, Jane!
-[Jane] Thank you!
-[Coco] Wow!
Okay, ladies, and on your right,
you're gonna see
our swimming pool
filled with alkaline water,
and over there
is actually Aquarius,
the only poolside cafe
in the world to receive
two Michelin stars.
-Delicious!
-Mm!
[Bellman] And here is one
of the outdoor yoga classes.
-Huh.
-Holy sh*t!
[Jane]
Is that guy even real?
My lady b*ner is thick.
-[Sophie] Jane,
he's looking at you!
-[Jane] No.
Yes, he is.
Jane, he is checking you out.
Maybe he has a lazy eye.
Uh-huh.
Oh, would you ladies
like to sign up
for an outdoor yoga class?
-Yes.
-Yes.
-[lock beeps]
-And welcome to your villa.
[women gasp]
[Coco] Whoa...
-No way.
-[Coco] Oh, my God.
-Yes!
-Can we afford this?
No. No, we cannot. I got
a huge discount through work.
Look at this view!
-[gasps]
-Oh, my God.
It's like the ocean in my mouth.
-[gasps]
-Oh, my God.
Everything is
so new and so clean!
-Wait, wait, wait.
-[gasps]
Is this for us?
-I love free sh*t.
-Yes, me too.
-Oh, my gosh.
-Oh, my God.
[all gasping]
Oh, my God.
They gave us bathrobes!
-Yes!
-Look at all of these
fancy lotions and oils!
[delighted gasps, giggles]
-[cheering]
-[Coco] Look at this couch!
I want to get titty f*cked
on this couch!
-Oh, my God! Yes! [whoops]
-Yes! Yes! Yes!
I want to get in too!
-Get over here, Soph!
-[giggling]
The city
Never looked the same
'Cause I'm wet, wet, wet
Wet, wet, w-wet
I'm wet, wet, wet and wild
I'm wet, wet, wet
Wet, wet, w-wet
You guys, this chair
is perfect for twerking!
Wild now, baby
She's wet, wet, wet
And wild
[Jane] Oh...
-I'm so glad we came here.
-Yeah.
I never want to go home.
Oh, my God, home.
What the hell is home?
I don't know her. [chuckles]
-I miss my kids.
-What?
-No, I don't miss my kids.
-[laughs]
[all laughing]
Thank you for making
this happen, Coco.
This is the best
birthday present
I could possibly imagine.
-It's perfect.
-Yeah. Of course.
It is perfect. We deserve this.
[sighs]
[Mel]
What's up, you f*cking nerds?!
Ah, f*ck.
[squeals]
[whooping]
[whooping]
Is that Mel? What the f*ck
is she doing here?
Hey! This place is fancy!
I'll be back
for you later, mate.
-I didn't invite her.
-I didn't invite her.
Okay, I'm so sorry.
I invited her super last minute.
I didn't think
she would actually come.
Her Instagram
said she was in France.
Sophie! I will literally never
forgive you for this sh*t.
Hey, what's up,
you middle-aged sluts?
-Hi.
-Hey.
-[Mel] Hello.
-Hey.
-Happy birthday, Jane.
-Thank you.
Oh, I love that color on you.
Oh. It's white.
-Yeah, you still a lawyer?
-Uh-huh.
Good, I need
some help with that.
-Hey, Mel.
-How are you?
-Great. So good to see you.
-Yeah!
Soph. Sophie. Aw...
Oh, I missed you.
Well, guys, guess what?
There wasn't a room,
but no worries.
I'm gonna crash with y'all.
It's a slumber party,
m*therf*ckers.
[nervous chuckling]
-Yay!
-Oh, good.
So... we thought
you were in France.
Oh, yeah, because
of my Insta? No. Pfft.
Je suis dans Paris avec mon
very hot, young boyfriend.
But then I got your invite,
Soph, and I flew
over here on my jet.
-[all murmuring]
-[giggles]
Oh. I wouldn't have missed
Janey's birthday for anything.
So if you're flying private,
things must be going
really well for you.
Uh, yeah, I totally have
my own online business,
and it's really not
a pyramid scheme.
The way you just said that
makes it feel like it's,
uh, very much a pyramid scheme.
[Mel] Anyway, we're not here
to talk about business.
We are here to party.
And don't worry.
I brought my trusty
margarita machine.
-[nervous chuckle]
-Wow.
Yeah. Oh, you know what I was
thinking about the other day?
You know how
in every female friend group,
there's always one woman
that all the other women
secretly can't stand?
Uh...?
-Huh.
-Is that right?
How great
that we aren't like that.
[forced laughter]
-I love you, sweetie! [giggles]
-It's pretty great.
I missed you, Soph!
Aw...
Well, um...
Why'd you bring so many dildos?
Oh, that's just
my travel collection.
Y'all can borrow them.
-[Jane] Oh.
-Was I supposed
to bring a dildo?
Oh!
Dudes, I forgot to say,
I got us all matching T-shirts
so we could wear them
all weekend together.
I didn't have time
to get them printed up,
so I made them myself.
Yay. "Jane's birthday.
-Chicks before dicks."
-Yeah?
Oh, that's nice. It rhymes.
-Right? Chicks before dicks.
-Okay.
-Oh, wow. That was...
-[Mel whoops]
So what's our first
spa treatment?
Um... Well, we were gonna do
a guided meditation.
Let's do it! Let's meditate
the f*ck out of each other!
[sustained, droning tone]
Namaste, and welcome.
[gasps]
Please, join us
in the circle of abundance.
-Oh... okay.
-Thank you, Shanti.
The goal of this guided
meditation is to drive all
of the fear out of our bodies
so that we may
become our bravest, wisest,
most intentional self.
Shanti, is that dude gonna play
his bowls the whole time?
It sounds like
a broken doorbell.
[clatters]
Music is a crucial part
of the restorative process.
-Got it, Shants.
-[sustained tone resumes]
[Shanti] Now, I've given
each of you a parchment.
On it, I want you to write
down your greatest fear.
I will then read
your fears aloud,
and then burn them
in this African fire pot
that Bono gave me.
Oh.
-Ooh.
-Please, begin.
Okay, wait, Shanti, what if
I've got two biggest fears?
Like, one, obviously,
biggest fear is bears.
Second biggest fear, Tom Hanks.
-You may write down either.
-Ah.
Now, please place
your fears into this bowl
and pass it along.
I will now read your fears aloud
so that you may begin
to free yourselves
from their toxic power.
"I am scared that no one
will ever find me attractive."
[gasps, chuckles]
That's gotta be that guy.
[whispering] That's that guy.
Look at him.
-Ms. Wiggins.
-Uh, no, but I--
Just saying
what everybody's thinking.
I mean, he looks
like Super Mario. Right?
Ms. Wiggins, I will have
to ask you to leave
the circle if you cannot zip--
A mamma mia, Shanti!
[Mel] Sorry.
That was cool.
"I am scared that I will
never find love again."
Oh, I know I shouldn't talk.
But Jane, is that you?
[Shanti] Ms. Wiggins!
You don't need to think that.
You are so cute.
And you've got all your teeth.
-You will totally
find love again.
-Okay, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Okay, sorry. I'm sorry.
But can I just say also,
[Italian accent]
a-Mario might be a-vailable
if you're interested.
-Ms. Wiggins!
-[inhales sharply]
So sorry.
"I am scared
of how out of control I feel."
Oh, no, Coco, is that you?
The divorce really
did a number on you.
Why are you so bad at this?
You need to leave
the circle right now.
I want to leave the circle,
but don't worry.
I'm gonna just zip it.
There you go. Zip. Mm!
[mimics fire bowl]
If you say one more word,
you're out.
"I am scared of...
...bears."
[sputters, wheezes]
[laughing] I couldn't spell
Tom Hanks.
-[cackles]
-Oh, my God!
All right, well,
that's enough meditation for me.
I hope you wackos
get your sh*t together.
Oh, hey, Shanti, can I take
one of these crystals?
[gasps] Oh!
[gasps]
[gasps]
[gasps, yelps]
Oh...
Namaste.
I am, uh... I'm so sorry.
She is the friend
that we don't like.
[Coco] Stop.
She couldn't help herself.
You guys, she's totally
ruining our spa weekend.
I know. I am so sorry
I invited her.
-Me, too.
-How do we fix it?
We could just talk to her.
We can talk to her.
We can tell her to leave.
-No. We can't
just throw her out.
-[Coco] Why not?
Because she used
to be our best friend.
We have so much
history together.
Oh, my God. I have history
with a lot of things.
I have history
with drunk driving.
I have history
with gambling addiction.
I have history with Chumbawumba.
I-I have history
with small backpacks, okay?
-[stammers]
Sophie, people change.
-Yes.
-Okay?
-It will break her heart
-if we throw her out.
-Okay...
Oh, my God. You know, you--
Wait a minute, guys.
No, absolutely not, okay?
Like, we have
to suffer all weekend
so she can be comfortable?
No, this is... What about Jane?
This is her
special birthday weekend.
And honestly, why are we
doing this to ourselves?
-You know why?
-Why?
Because we're women.
And from the second we're born,
we're told we have to be nice
to everyone, and it's bullshit.
That's bullshit.
I hate that sh*t.
I... I like being nice
to people.
-Oh, shut up, Sophie.
-Oh, my God. What a kink.
Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna have a reasonable
adult conversation with her,
and we're gonna say,
"Dial it down for the weekend."
-Yes. Absolutely.
-Okay?
I invited her.
I will talk to her, okay?
We are--
We're gonna make this work.
-Done.
-[Mel] Hey, shitheads!
[pops]
Yep. Can't wait to see her
dial that sh*t down.
Hey, Mel.
Hey, guys.
Hey. So you're,
um... eating fast food
in a Michelin-star restaurant.
It's a choice.
Dude, I couldn't even
read the menu.
It doesn't even make sense.
So, Mel, we need to talk to you
about something important.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, hit me up.
-We love your energy.
-Mm-hmm.
-[Mel] Yeah.
-But we came here to relax.
So if there's a way you could
just dial it down a little bit
and not make a scene
everywhere you go?
Yeah. Cool. No worries.
Of course. Happy to.
-[Sophie] Really?
-Mm! Yeah.
I'll be on my best behavior.
-Okay.
-Oh, my God. Thank you.
Thank you.
Holy sh*t!
Who's this dickripper?
Oh. Hey, that's
the hot yoga teacher
-that was checking you out
from before.
-[Coco] Oh, of course.
Jane, he checked you out?
-No, he wasn't. No.
-What?
-No. He actually was.
-[Jane] No, he...
Hey. Big d*ck!
-No.
-[screaming] Big d*ck!
Hey! Get over here. Yeah, you.
Come over here.
Hey, remember just a few
seconds ago when you said
you weren't gonna cause a scene?
Don't do that.
-Come here. Come here.
-Mel. Mel.
-[laughs] Come on, Magic Mike.
-[man] Uh...
-Let's see your big dong.
-[man chuckles]
Uh, yeah, I'd love to, but I've
gotta teach a yoga class, so...
Hey, you an Aussie?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm from Byron.
I'm from Wollongong.
Oh, cool. Cool.
I do need to get
to the class, so...
Dude, relax.
No one gives a sh*t about yoga.
-Come on. Sit down.
-Okay.
[groans, chuckles] All right.
What is your name, Princess?
Uh, Kai.
-Oh. That's such a stupid name.
-[chuckles]
-That's so sad.
-Thank you.
This is Jane.
-Hi. Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
She's hot. She wants to party.
[clicks tongue]
No, please don't say
things like that.
Obviously,
she's on the older side,
but she's got a porno body.
Stand up. Show your body.
-[clicks, smooches]
-I'm not gonna stand up.
-I'm not gonna do that.
-Show him who you--
-Show him your perfect t*ts.
-I'm not gonna do that.
Okay. And she's also
into butt stuff.
-Oh, boy.
-Oh, my God. Mel.
[whispering] What is butt stuff?
What do you think butt stuff is?
-I'll give you 100 bucks...
-Oh, wow.
...to f*ck my friend.
Okay. Well, this is...
-Yeah, it's been batshit crazy,
-[laughs]
-but, uh, enjoy your stay.
-[Mel] She is.
It was nice to meet you, Jane.
-Yeah, you too.
-Nice to meet you.
-Bye.
-Bye.
I think that went well.
Welcome to goat yoga.
[inhales deeply]
Do we get to eat the goat
after we're done?
Oh, my God. Uh.
No. No. No, we definitely
do not eat the goats, okay?
Let's bring them in. [exhales]
[gasp] Aww.
-Hi!
-[soft bleating]
-Hello. Hello.
-[all welcoming]
-[soft bleating]
-Hi, goats!
Aw...
Okay, everyone. Let's start
by walking our hands forward
-into cat pose.
-[goat bleats]
-Oh. Oh!
-[instructor] Forward.
Stretching out that spine.
Oh, wow! Look,
Jane's got a goat on her back.
-Oh, ah.
-Aw, that's so cute.
Keeping our hearts bright,
everyone.
Hearts bright.
-[phone buzzes]
-[instructor inhales]
-[whispering] Are you okay?
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah, my boss is just
freaking out because
he ran out of Skittles.
-What? He's such an idiot.
-[sighs]
Dude, forget about him.
Hey, watch this.
[bleats]
I'm f*cking the goat.
-[both giggle]
-[goat bleats]
He likes it.
-[Mel bleats]
-[chuckles]
-[Mel] I love you.
-[bleats]
Ow, f*ck!
-[bleats]
-[Mel] Ugh.
Guys, I think I broke my fupa.
[instructor] Please stay calm.
Stay calm.
The goats are getting spooked.
Okay, you know what?
You're coming on very strong.
-[goats bleating]
-[women gasping]
-I've got to get out of here.
I'm sorry.
-[scattered screams]
[panicked screaming]
No, no, no.
Don't open that door!
[aggressive bleating]
-[bleating]
-[woman yelps]
Oh!
-[bleating]
-[gasps, shrieks]
[growls]
-[bleating]
-[glass shattering]
[woman grunts, whimpers]
I'm vegan.
-I'm vegan.
-[bleats]
[exhales]
[Coco] My God, this is insane.
Look at all this sh*t.
-I know,
it's only getting worse.
-We--
We have-- Listen, we have
to get away from Mel.
-We, like, have to do it.
-I know.
[phone ringing]
Oh, my God, my boss
is calling me again.
No.
[phone beeps]
Brah, she is on vacation.
[screaming] Stop calling her!
-[phone beeps]
-You're welcome.
What did you just do?
Dude, relax.
Soph, this is a good thing.
You can't let people walk
all over you your whole life.
You have
to stand up for yourself.
-He's gonna call back
any second.
-[phone rings]
See? There he is, he's calling.
-[phone rings, beeps]
-Hello, Toby.
[muffled shouting]
No, no, that was just
my friend Mel.
[shouting continues]
But Toby, I've worked
for you for 10 years.
-[line beeps]
-Did you get a raise?
He just fired me.
-Oh, my God, Soph. What?
-Oh, I'm sorry.
Mel.
I really saw
that going differently.
What did you think
was gonna happen?
-I-I'm so sorry. I just--
-What is wrong with you?
What the f*ck
is wrong with you?!
-Coco?
-Roger?
What are you doing here?
What? What am I doing--?
You tell me.
I got a text saying
that you were on your deathbed.
So I raced over here.
-What is going on?
-That's insane.
What do you mean?
Who would even tell you
that I am on my...
-Oh.
-...deathbed?
Since your divorce, you've
completely lost your mind.
You guys need to get
your sh*t together.
Okay, so you want to tell me
that you invited my ex-husband
to our relaxing spa weekend?
You thought that that sh*t
would be a good idea?
Uh, yeah. They say that talking
is the best medicine.
Laughter.
Laughter is the best medicine.
Actually, penicillin
is the best medicine.
I am so sorry that this person
told you to come here.
You don't need to be here.
You can go home.
I am okay. Okay?
Yep. Okay. Okay.
-Great.
-[Mel] Sorry, Rog.
No, that's...
He loves you.
He looked pretty cute,
and he came down here
to your big gazoonkis
-and your gorgeous hair.
-Are you kidding me?
-You're so beautiful.
-Are you f*cking
kidding me with this?
-Get the f*ck off me, b*tch!
-[yelps]
-f*ck you, Coco!
-[gasps]
-Oh!
-Human shield.
-[overlapping shouts]
-[grunts]
-Oh, my God!
-Sophie! Are you okay?
-[gasps] Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God.
[gasps, sniffles]
-Are you okay?
-[Sophie] Yeah, I just, um...
I just...
Maybe we should spend
a little time apart. You know?
[waves crashing]
Hey, Lyla.
Hey, how's your dad doing?
Oh, my God. So much better.
-Thanks for asking.
-Oh, I'm glad to hear it.
You want me to check
if your dinner is ready?
-If that's not too much trouble.
-Yeah. Yeah. Be right back.
Thanks, Lyla.
[Kai sighs]
[soft chuckle]
It's, um-- [clears throat]
It's Jane, right?
Hi.
Hi.
[inhales sharply]
I was hoping
you wouldn't remember me.
Oh, no. I don't think I'm ever
gonna forget that conversation.
-That's great. Great.
-[chuckles]
Your, uh-- your friend
seems like a real character.
Hmm. If by real character
you mean complete maniac,
then, yeah. Yes.
Yeah, well, you gotta have
a few crazy friends, right?
They keep you on your toes.
-Maybe.
-Mm.
-Or not. Maybe not.
-Mm? Maybe not?
-Hmm.
-Speaking of which,
where are they? Your friends?
Um... We're just
taking a little time out.
-We had a fistfight
in the lobby.
-A fistfight?
You know what?
Can I just say something?
Okay. Yeah,
I think you're about to.
This whole spa thing
is such a scam.
You pay a zillion bucks
to come here
and get a f*cking back rub
and listen to space music
and do yoga,
which is stretching, by the way.
You know, I'm a yoga teacher.
Remember we met--
Between you and me-- [scoffs]
I mean-- [stammers]
It's stretching.
Mm-hmm, sure.
It's how I get paid, so...
And then you're supposed
to walk out of here
a completely new person,
all centered
and grounded and chill.
-But do I look chill to you?
-Not really.
-I don't feel chill.
-No. You don't look it.
No. And I think
that spas don't work.
And I think that
this place is dumb.
-Oh, damn.
-Yeah.
Well, I'm sorry that
you're not enjoying it, Jane.
-And another thing.
-Mm-hmm?
I know what you're up to.
I see through
this whole charade.
[laughs]
Okay. What-- hold on.
What am I up to? What did I do?
I know this place hires
good-looking Australian guys
to flirt with all the moms.
-Uh-huh.
-Huh.
Frankly, I find it
a little insulting.
Well, you shouldn't,
but it's not really true.
-Yeah. And I just want
you to know...
-Right...
...that it's not gonna
work on me,
Crocodile Dundee.
-[giggles]
-[snickers]
-How'd you know that reference?
-Here you go, Kai.
-Have a good night.
-Oh, thanks, Lyla.
Um... [smacks]
You know what? I actually--
I think I'm gonna
eat here at the bar with
my adorable friend Jane. Yeah.
Apparently she's having
a very hard time relaxing.
I'm just...
I'm a bit worried she might
start breaking everything
in here, honestly.
Hey, if you see
a bunch of hair in the sink,
don't worry. It's just my pubes.
Oh, wow.
Wait, what are you working on?
Oh, I'm just looking
for a new job.
Oh, wow.
Oh, right.
Yeah. Sorry I got you fired.
You know,
maybe it's for the best.
Yeah, you could always come
and work for me, you know.
I'm rich.
-Really?
-Uh-huh.
So...
What is it exactly
that you do now?
I invest in reverse crypto.
Wow.
What is reverse crypto?
I don't know.
But I put all my money
in it now.
I'm just too embarrassed to ask.
[bottle sloshes]
-[laughter on television]
-Oh...
[giggles] I love this show.
Have you seen this show?
It's called Friends.
Are you serious?
[laughing] Oh, my God.
Look at this.
That's like us.
We used to be like that.
Aw...
Thanks for inviting me
this weekend, Soph.
It's been really
nice to reconnect.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.
I feel like we never
hang out anymore together.
-How come?
-It's just...
I have so many things
in my life that I have to do.
My job, my family, the kids.
[stammers] And I don't
have to see my friends,
so they end up
taking a back seat.
-It sucks.
-Yeah.
I mean, your life sounds awful.
Well, I mean, it's not that bad.
Listen, I know
my life looks amazing.
I'm ginger, but I tan.
I've got hair extensions.
I'm rich.
My cholesterol's
pretty good for my age.
But you know what?
The most important thing to me,
my priority, is you guys.
If you need something, I mean,
anything you f*cking need,
I'm here for you.
Like, you want f*cking
Chinese Ozempic,
I'll get it for you.
You want to see a c*ck fight
between two roosters?
I'll do it.
You want me
to bleach your butthole?
I f*cking got you, mate.
You and my crew,
it's h*s before bros.
I'm glad you came. I am.
I'm really glad I'm here, too.
Thanks, Soph.
Do you want to build
a fort and wrestle?
-Okay.
-Yay!
[waves crashing]
-You gotta be kidding me.
-[Roger chuckles]
-What are you still doing here?
-Uh...
Their, uh, car charger is down,
so I gotta spend the night.
Oh, it explains the outfit.
-Oh, this old thing?
-Yeah.
Yeah. I mean,
I did buy out the gift shop,
-uh...
-Oh.
...and you would not believe
how much it costs
to look this stupid.
Yeah, I thought you were going
to go work on a cruise ship
or something. It's...
-[chuckles]
-It's something.
Can I get a hit?
-Yeah, sit down.
-[lighter flicks]
[sighs]
This is nice.
Yeah.
Why did you come here?
Because I still care
about you, Coco.
Oh, God, give me a break.
You ain't getting
none tonight, okay?
You're not getting it in, sir.
-Getting it in?
-Yes. You're not.
I'm not trying
to get anything in.
-I'm just...
-Okay, good.
-...trying to tell you
that I miss you.
-[scoffs]
-You miss me?
-Yeah.
Okay.
What, your, like,
really old girlfriend,
like, fall and break her hip?
Is that why you miss me?
Do you even know
why I started dating Margaret?
Oh, wow.
We're just gonna go there. Okay.
It's because she's nice.
I am so f*cking nice.
I have done so many
f*cking nice things for you.
Yeah, but you don't
treat people nicely, Coco.
There's a difference.
[mocking] "Oh, you
don't treat people nicely.
There's a difference."
f*ck.
Look, I know it's not easy.
I just think
that you could benefit from
you know, some professional
help for your anger.
Or maybe I am just angry
because my husband
-left me for Angela Merkel.
-Okay, Co--
Maybe that, okay?
Thank you so much.
Coco, you were angry
before the divorce.
-Shut up.
-You've always been this angry.
Oh, my God. Here we go again.
Why am I so angry then?
I don't know. Maybe it's...
because your parents
weren't around
and you're mad that you never
got a chance to be a kid.
Or maybe it's
because the world is
especially f*cked up right now.
I just think...
that it's worth
trying to figure out.
I-I don't like...
I don't want to be this angry
all the time. I don't.
It doesn't feel good.
It's exhausting.
I-I want to...
I want to forgive you.
I wish we could be, like,
one happy family again,
but I'm not wired like that.
I'm just not.
Yeah, I know.
-See you back in L.A.
-Yeah.
See you back in L.A.
-Can you do me a favor, though?
-Sure.
Can you, um...
Can you wear this outfit?
[laughs]
What are you, like the oldest
ball boy at the U.S. Open?
I don't know what this is about.
-I'll see you soon, Coco.
-All right.
[chuckles]
[Jane sighs]
-Here we go.
-Thank you.
All right.
-So, you feeling
a bit more chill?
-Mm-hmm?
-Hm? Yeah?
-Yes.
But that's because of the wine,
not because of this stupid spa.
Okay, look. [clears throat]
I don't usually do this, but...
I can help you fully relax
if you want.
-[gasps]
You didn't just say that.
-What? Yeah, I did.
-Does that line
actually work on people?
-Oh, my...
Just give me your hand. Here.
-What?
-Give me-- [laughs]
Give me your hand.
Come on.
-Give it here. All right.
-[Jane giggles]
Do you know
what manotantric massage is?
-Uh, no.
-No?
And I'm okay not knowing.
Well, manotantric massage
is the art of activating
-various pressure points
on your hand...
-Mm-hmm?
...in order to trigger
different emotions.
That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard.
[Jane chuckles]
I mean, it feels nice. It does.
It feels good. It's, um...
Oh.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Okay.
[gasps]
That feels relaxing.
Wow.
Uh-- Oh, my God. Wow.
I feel like I'm in a Sade video.
-[gasps]
-Mm-hmm.
Wow.
But it-- [stammers]
It feels like, you know,
a hand massage.
Like a, you know...
Like you feel
when you get a hand massage.
-Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-So...
-Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
-Uh-huh.
Uh... Let me
try a different spot.
-[Jane] Mm.
-[Kai] Hmm.
And what is this supposed to...
Complete emotional release.
Uh-huh.
Um...
[shuddering breath]
[sniffles] That's--
[stammers] It's so weird.
That one, I don't feel a-at all.
[wincing]
[voice breaking] Yeah, that
one's not affecting me at all.
[whimpers]
[sobs]
[whimpering] But maybe you
should stop doing that one.
-Okay. I'll stop. I'll stop.
-[gasping]
[sighs]
Yeah, let me try... [grunts]
-...something else.
-[gasps]
Oh! [pants]
Hello.
[breathlessly] Wow.
What's that one?
Ah, I think we both know
-what that one is, Jane.
-Uh-huh?
Actually, that just
feels like normal...
[breathing heavily]
everyday massage.
[gasping]
[exhales sharply]
[gasps] f*ck me.
[panting] Whoa. Whoa.
What? How are you doing this?
-Well, the human hand has--
-Never mind.
-Don't talk. Don't talk.
-Uh-huh.
Just go to the left.
To the left.
To the left. Ooh...
That is manotantric massage.
Uh-huh.
I'm very sorry that
had no effect on you.
-Yeah.
-Mm-hmm?
Do you want to continue
the massage back at my place?
-[breathless] Yes, okay.
-Yeah?
Yeah.
[panting]
-Oh... sh*t.
-[soft chuckle]
[Jane giggles softly]
[soft moaning]
[soft snores]
-[snores]
-[clanging, clattering]
Oh... Hey.
Just getting back from last--
No. [shushes]
Hey, guys.
-Jane f*cked last night.
-What?
Oh, you were wearing that
last night. You f*cked someone?
[shushes] Wait. But I...
Oh, my God.
She got fingered by a d*ck.
-[Jane] Okay, okay.
-You got fingered by a d*ck?
-[Jane] Huh?
-Who'd you have sex with?
Can we talk about this
maybe a little later?
I bet she f*cked the yoga guy.
[Jane] Just... It was...
[Jane] Uh... What?
-Wait, how...
-She did.
She... Look how happy she is.
She had sex with the yoga guy.
-Look at that.
-How was it?
Which time?
[all cheering]
[roars]
-[Mel] Yeah!
-[laughs]
It was crazy.
And I don't know
what he did to me,
but my back feels better.
Ooh. I'm into it, girl.
My neck hurts.
-Can I f*ck him next?
-[Jane chuckles]
Honestly, yes, you should.
You all should.
I feel like I'm 25 again.
No, wait. So you're not
gonna see him again?
No. No, I'm not
-going to see him again.
-[Mel] What?
-Why not?
-That's crazy.
Because it's the guy that you
sleep with on your weekend away,
not the-- the guy you bring
home to your kids. [chuckles]
Yeah, but there's other weekends
that you could just hook up
with him and have fun.
Anyway, we have to get ready.
We're going to be late
for our massages.
Um...
I think she really likes him.
-She totally likes him.
-She really likes him.
-[chuckles]
-Wait, so we shouldn't
try to f*ck him?
-No, girl, don't do that.
-Please don't.
-[Mel sighs]
-Ooh, it smells so good in here.
[Coco] Wow-wow wa-wa-wee-wow!
Ooh!
-No, no, Mel.
-Oh.
-Hello.
-Hi.
We're here for our massages.
Um.
I'm sorry, but a-a client has
just paid with airline miles
and this has crashed our system.
[stammers]
I don't know why
this keeps happening.
AdvantageMiles or SkyMiles?
Oh, uh... SkyMiles.
Oh. Yeah,
SkyMiles always glitch out
if you use them for anything
other than air travel.
Um, m-may I?
Um, yeah, sure.
Guess she's coming in. Okay.
Okay, so you just need
to convert them
-into BonusPlus miles...
-[keyboard clacking]
and then code them
as Amex Executive Points.
And...
[keyboard clacking]
-Okay. All right,
-[computer chimes]
-you're back in business.
-[Mel whoops]
-Okay, girl. She did that.
-Boom. Drop the mic.
How did you do that?
Uh, my old boss traveled a lot,
so I just completely nerded out
on all the rewards programs.
-Hey, hey, hey,
can I say something?
-Wow. This took a turn.
-You should hire her.
-What?
I know that blonde hair
makes her f*cking so sexy
you can't believe that
she doesn't have a monkey brain.
But that b*tch
is someone you need
to have working for you.
'Cause clearly
you're surrounded by morons.
I mean, that guy there
with an ice skating bun
and two hairy testicles
on his chin,
I-I don't think he can be
handling the computer.
[clears throat] Look, we're not
hiring here right now.
But, um, if you're interested
in working on
another Solaris property,
we're always looking
for amazing people like you.
Huh.
-Wow.
-[whimpers]
-Okay, what's happening?
-Oh, she's crying.
-Oh, she's cry-- Oh, Jesus.
-[Sophie whimpers]
[shakily] I'm sorry.
It's just my old boss never
said anything nice to me ever.
Okay, Bubs. Just stop crying.
It's getting weird, okay?
[clears throat] Um.
Anyway, I do have a resume,
if you'd like to see it.
Yeah.
You email it to me,
and I'll pass on
to corporate right away.
Thank you, Kent.
Now, ladies,
who's ready for a massage?
["Primadonna Girl" by Marina
And The Diamonds plays]
Primadonna girl
Yeah
All I ever wanted
Was the world
I can't help that I need
It all
The Primadonna life
The rise and fall
Got you wrapped around
My finger, babe
You can count on me
To misbehave
-Primadonna girl
-Going up
Going down, down, down
-Yeah
-Anything for the crown
-Crown, crown...
-[squealing]
-When the lights dimming...
-[laughing]
[indistinct chatter]
Down, down, down
I spin around
Cause I'm a Primadonna girl
Yeah
All I ever wanted
Was the world
I can't help that I need
It all
The Primadonna life
The rise and fall
You say that I'm kind of
-Difficult...
-[cackles]
But it's always
Someone else's fault
-Primadonna girl
-[indistinct chatter]
What's our next treatment?
-Um, seaweed wraps...
-Mm.
and I think it's about
a three minute
-walk away.
-Cool.
Wha-- Are you cra--
three minute walk?
Guys, no way. We've got to
get an Uber or something.
We can't walk that far.
We're not soldiers.
-What?
-It's not that long.
-It really isn't.
-Three minutes.
Whoa. I got a better idea.
[giggles]
-[Jane] Uh, no, Mel.
No. No, Mel.
-[Coco] No.
-Come on, Mel.
-No, Mel, you're not gonna
-steal a golf cart.
-Uh, mm-mm.
-Guys, get in.
-[honks]
I'm not stopping
till you get in.
[sustained honk]
[harmonizes with horn]
[honks rhythmically]
Okay, let's do it.
Oh, God, having white friends
is so hard.
-[delighted yells]
-[Mel] Whee! [laughs]
[whooping]
-[laughs]
-[squeals]
Hey, do you guys remember
that time we--
Whoa! [grunts]
Oh, sh*t, you guys.
Sophie fell out.
Oh, sh*t! That was awesome.
-We thought you were dead.
-I'm sorry I fell
-out of the car.
-Are you gonna have to
-go to the hospital?
-No, I'm--
[siren wails]
Oh, we've got company!
[tires squeal]
["Supersonic"
by Jacaranda plays]
Why are you driving away?!
-Oh, relax. It's spa police.
-Stop it!
[screaming]
-Ooh, ooh
-[sirens approach]
[all screaming]
-[cart thuds]
-[screaming continues]
[siren wails]
Sorry.
Turn electric on a dime
-[all screaming]
-And then I start
-to lose control
-[siren wails, tires squeal]
-[all yelling]
-Ooh
-Oh, my god!
-Just let it go
-[Coco] Oh, wine tasting!
-[Jane screams]
-Supersonic
-[screams, yelps]
-[thuds]
-Tonight, I want it
-[screaming]
-So keep it coming
-[delighted yell]
-Ooh
Supersonic
Tonight, I want it
So keep it coming
Holy f*ck, guys,
that was awesome!
[siren wails]
-Guys, my shoe's stuck.
-[both] What?
Don't worry. I got this.
Look out! Look out!
-[all scream]
-[man grunts]
-[tires squeal]
-I-I don't got this. I'm out.
-[women scream]
-[Mel grunts]
-What the f*ck!
-[screams]
[Coco] Oh, my God!
[all grunting]
[PANTS, GASPS]
[whines, creaks]
[both gasp]
[distant] Sorry!
What is wrong with you people?
Shanti, sorry. Can I just say,
I did lose one of my shoes
in the golf cart crash,
and I just wondered,
who do I speak to
about getting reimbursed?
Do you think this is funny?
So obviously,
I'm kicking you out of my spa
effective immediately.
-Oh, no.
-Well...
Oh, my God. Why? No.
It's her birthday weekend.
That's crazy.
Well, actually,
you can't kick us out.
And why is that?
Pursuant to section 325
of the California Tenants'
Bill of Rights,
you must file a written warning
before evicting occupants
from their rooms.
What a f*ck ton of fun.
You're a lawyer.
Well, I will issue
a written warning and that
will be your last warning.
The next time
one of you dickheads
is even remotely out of line
I am calling the police.
Do you understand?
-Yes, Shanti.
-Yup.
Now go!
[Jane] Okay. Thank you, Shanti.
I'm sorry we're dickheads.
Hi. Are you still serving lunch?
-I'm sorry, no.
-Oh, no?
But...
-Hi.
-Hi.
Everything okay?
I just, um... missed lunch.
Yeah, we can't have that.
Come on.
["Easy To Me"
by Samuel Jack plays]
-Here we go.
-Ooh
-[indistinct chatter]
-Ooh
Whoa
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, Sammy, can I get a station?
Hey, yeah, sure. Use, uh, 16.
-Thanks, mate.
-[Jane chuckles]
All right. Take a seat.
Okay.
-Another day with my baby..
-[sighs]
-That's all I want...
-[Jane chuckles]
You're my
Sweet little darling
Tell me
What we sleeping for?
-Aw, yes.
-Want your days
-Want your nights...
-[laughs]
And all that's in between
How do you know how to do this?
I've worked in a lot of kitchens
over the years.
-Mm-hmm.
-When I was younger,
I always thought I'd
open my own
little restaurant someday.
Yeah? And then what happened?
Uh...
I got into yoga.
I started working here,
and it's just such a cushy gig,
you know? So...
-You gave up on your dreams?
-Oh...
-Ouch.
-[chuckles]
-But you're not wrong, yeah.
-Mm.
Mm!
Too tight?
That's great.
-[Coco] Hi, hello.
-[concierge] Hello.
I'm here to check in
for my mud bath.
Last name is Bellinger.
So your private room
is just down this hall.
Your name
is written on the door.
Put it there. Look at us, b*tch.
-You got this.
-Mud.
[squeals]
[chuckles]
[hums]
-[screams]
-Oh, sh-- [gasps]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Coco, what are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
What are you doing here?
I booked this mud bath for me,
and they brought me here
because...
...because we have
the same last name.
Yeah, they double booked us.
-Um... [chuckles]
-Okay. Great. This is, um...
I'm gonna go see if they have
another room available
for another Bellinger,
which is me.
Wait, wait, wait. Coco. Just...
Take the other side.
I mean, there's plenty of room.
Um...
Okay.
Wait, you got
a bathing suit on under there?
Mm-hmm.
Cool. You just keep
your hands to yourself.
Okay.
So what did you want to be
when you were little, hey?
Uh-- Well, I've always wanted
to be a lawyer.
Hmm. Do you still love your job?
-I do. I do love it. Mm-hmm.
-Yeah?
I love helping people and...
I mean, sometimes, if my boss
is dumping too much work on me
or my kids are sick
or my dad's being a nightmare,
I, um...
I feel like
I'm being buried alive.
But other than that, it's great.
Tell me, what's one thing
that you do
that's just totally
for yourself?
One thing I do for... Okay.
-Mm-hmm.
-So that's easy.
Um...
Well, I... I--
-What? It's...
-Struggling?
Um...
Look, 99% of this
wellness stuff,
it's bullshit, right?
But the self-care part of it
is real.
Sometimes...
Sometimes you just--
You have to put yourself first
and just do what you want to do.
-Hmm.
-'Cause, Jane,
when people
just give and give and give,
eventually there's nothing left
and they crash.
I'd hate to see that
happen to you.
Yeah.
You're gonna make me
really like you, aren't you?
-[plate clinks]
-Whatever do you mean?
-[fork clinks]
-Mm.
It needs more garlic.
No, it's perfect.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
-Come on in.
-I mean...
Oh, this is, like, amazing.
-Yeah, it's good, right? Yeah.
-It feels good.
It's, like, healing.
It's got, like, um, like a...
-...like a creamy texture.
-Like a creamy texture.
-Shut up. Stop.
-[chuckles]
So, um,
why aren't you in LA yet?
Margaret wasn't very happy
that I came out here to see you.
-Is that so?
-That is so.
Margaret's jealous of moi? Hmm.
You know, she knows that
I still have feelings for you
and, um, can't be easy for her.
It's gotta be
really hard for her, like,
harder than figuring out
what Wi-Fi is or...
Coco!
Does she always have, like,
hard candies for you?
-You are-- You're the worst.
-What?
What? I just want to know.
Does she like to go for...
long walks at the mall
because it's super flat?
What?
Rog, do not hit my hair, okay?
I have a perfect curl right now.
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
-I meant to do that.
-Yeah.
Oh, you're gonna get it now,
boy.
Right-- [gasps]
-Okay, okay, okay.
-Are you serious?
-No, no, no. Oh, my God.
-Damn, boy!
-I think...
-Oh, no. Oh, no. Are you okay?
-Let me see your eye.
-It's okay.
Wait. Is that-- wait.
-It's like-- open your eye.
-Oh, no. It's a sneak attack.
Oh! [gasps]
-You are gonna f*cking get it!
-No, no, no. I get to do that.
Oh!
[both laughing]
[Coco laughs]
[Roger chuckles]
[both cackling]
Hah!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no.
Too deep. Too deep. Too deep.
[mud sloshes]
[both laughing]
[Roger chuckles]
-[indistinct chatter]
-Mm.
-It's so good.
-So good.
-Mm.
-Hmm.
Oh, hey, Coco.
-Hey.
-Hi.
-What's up?
-Oh, hi.
-Oh, hey.
-[Mel] Uh-oh.
-[Jane] What...
-[Mel] Something's weird.
-[Jane] What?
-[Mel] What's happening?
I f*cked Roger.
-What?
-No!
And I think I want to, like,
keep f*cking Roger?
Yay! Are you guys
getting back together?
I don't know. I don't-- maybe.
I have no idea.
I didn't know you can even,
like, f*ck your ex.
I thought you guys just, like,
had sex or something,
you know, sad.
But we f*cked. He f*cked me.
[both] Aw.
I feel like I want to, um, maybe
give him a second chance?
-That would be amazing. Yes.
-Amazing.
-[phone rings]
-Oh, that's me.
Oh, my God. It's my old boss.
-[gasps] Pick it up.
-[ringing continues]
-Put that sh*t on speaker.
-[phone beeps]
-Toby.
-Sophie,
-you gotta help me.
-[dogs barking over phone]
-A-Are you running?
-Yes.
I-I forgot the code
to my third ski house,
so I tried to break in.
And now I'm being attacked
by my own dogs.
Do you know my code?
-I do.
-Oh, great.
I do know your code,
but I...
[dogs barking over phone]
...don't work for you
anymore, remember?
-What?
-That's right, girl.
-[Coco] Yes!
-You fired me
after I decided to spend
the weekend with my friends.
-Yep.
-That's right.
I know, I know.
I should not have done that.
But if you come back
to work for me right now,
I-I will double your pay.
[dogs barking, snuffling]
You should have thought
about that before you fired me.
Anticipate, right?
Ooh!
Are you really gonna let me
get eaten by a dog?
[dogs barking]
Never call me again,
you f*cking prick.
-Bye!
-[all cheering]
-Yes! Yes!
-Oh, my God!
[Mel] Amazing!
I feel like I just drank
an entire soda.
[laughs]
-[phone chimes]
-Oh!
-[Sophie] Oh, who's that now?
-Oh. Guys, guys.
Jane's birthday present is here.
Come in. The door's open.
Do you know what this is?
["Return Of The Mack"
by Mark Morrison plays]
Oh
Who are these enormous men?
Oh, Mel brought strippers
to the spa.
-Well I tried to
tell you so
-[Coco] Goodness.
-No way!
-Yes, I did but I guess
-You didn't know
-[women cheer]
As the saddest story goes
-Baby, now I got the flow
-Wait, it's my t-shirts!
'Cause I knew it
From the start
-Ooh.
-They are coordinated.
-Right?
-[women cheer]
-[scattered clapping]
-[Mel] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can touch their dicks,
but it's five bucks extra.
[Coco] Their dicks look like
a hot potato in a microwave.
-[women cheering]
-You lied to me
-Yes, I cried
-[Coco] Oh, oh!
Yes, I cried
-Return of the Mack...
-Okay, happy birthday!
Aw!
-Thank you.
-Aw...
I will cherish
this present forever.
-Oh, you're so welcome.
-Thank you.
-[women cheer]
-[Mel] Show us your dicks,
-you cowards. Come on!
-[all] Happy birthday!
[Sophie]
Who are all these people?
I invited everyone
from the hotel.
So, listen, can we just, uh,
not let things
get out of control, all right?
Because Shanti
is going to m*rder us.
Nothing is gonna get
out of control.
[Italian accent]
Oh, there's a-Mario.
I'm gonna have a-sex with him.
-No.
-[Mel chuckles]
[Coco] What is happening?
You lied to me
Oh, there's the birthday girl.
-Hi. Hi.
-[Kai] Hello.
-[chuckles softly]
-Oh...
-Oh, little girl...
-Hello.
Well, it seems I forgot my
little tiny gold shorts at home.
-[Jane] You did.
-So...
Would you like to dance?
Yes.
[Jane giggles]
["Return Of The Mack" continues]
[partygoers whooping]
-[Jane chuckles]
-[groans]
I can't stop thinking
about your gnocchi.
[chuckles]
Well, you've, uh--
you've inspired me
to think about
opening my own place again,
actually.
-Really?
-Yeah.
I don't think I've ever
inspired anyone before.
-Come on.
-No.
-Really?
-No.
How-- That can't be true.
I mean,
you do the impossible every day.
-I find that so inspiring.
-Thank you.
I'd, uh...
I'd really like
to see you again, Jane.
Oh.
You don't have to do that.
-You don't have to-- [chuckles]
-Do what?
You don't have to do--
pretend that you want
to see me again,
just so I can leave here
with my dignity intact.
No, no, no, that's--
That's not what I'm doing.
-[laughs]
-Okay?
Plus, why would you
want to see me again?
You're you,
and I'm some weird lady.
[laughs]
You're not a weird lady.
-[laughs]
-Don't say that.
[sighs] No, but let me just say
thank you for this weekend.
-It's been...
-I'm glad.
...truly the best--
I've had the best time.
-Jane...
-And...
I genuinely like you, okay?
And I want to see you again.
[Jane] Oh...
Are you serious?
Uh, yes. Why is that so hard
to believe? Of course.
Well, that would be--
I mean, I would love that.
-But how?
-Um...
I could come down
to LA next week, yeah?
I don't think, um...
I'm not, um, free
until July 19th.
Three-- Three months from now?
Really?
I have two kids. You know that.
I have a sick dad and my--
I have a job that's, um--
I don't know
if I have room in my life
for a relationship right now.
[sighs]
Are--
[chuckles]
Are you being serious?
Well, I just don't see how
it could work in the real world.
I'm sorry.
All right, um...
Boy, I-- I feel stupid.
Um... I'm just gonna go, Jane.
But wait. Did...
sh*t.
-[sustained sniff]
-[all cheer]
["Gimme Your Love"
by Nevtronic plays]
[lenses squeak]
Give me your love
Give me your heart
Give me all your love
-Give me your heart
-[bleats]
Give me your love
Give me your heart
[chuckles softly]
[clears throat]
-Hey.
-Hey.
Hi, so, um,
we're actually having a party,
and I want to know
if you want to come with me
and, like,
come dance and hang out.
[woman]
Roger, who is it?
-Who's that?
-Look...
Who the hell is that, Roger?
Who the hell is that?
Roger, why is your very old
girlfriend sitting on your bed?
I'm 57.
b*tch, don't tell people that.
You look old as f*ck.
Coco, can you calm down, please?
No. No, I will not calm down.
You cannot get with me
in the afternoon
and then get with
Barbara Bush at night.
Are you crazy?
Look, I told Margaret
what happened between us
in the mud bath.
Okay? And she drove
out here to talk it through.
Oh, please.
Why would she do that?
Just listen.
Margaret and I broke up.
Oh.
Well, why didn't you...
Why didn't you say that?
Way to bury the lede, babe.
Oh, my God.
Hey, Margaret, um,
you can go home now.
-Actually, Coco--
-All the way home.
-Tell her to go home, baby.
-No, it's-- it's-- it's just...
-Let her go.
-Okay, Coco.
Come to the party with me.
I-- I...
I don't think
I want to be with you either.
[sighs]
What?
Your anger is just-- It's...
It's too much, and I just--
just can't do this anymore.
I don't-- I don't want
to be around it anymore.
-I'm sorry.
-No. Get off me.
[Coco panting]
[stifles sobs]
[groans]
[sighs]
I got moves
Like a body breaker
Come shake what you got
Come dance with me
Shake, shake
I'm a dancefloor terminator
-Move!
-I'll be back
Won't see you later
Shake, shake
-I got moves like...
-[Mel whoops]
-[laughs]
-Whoa--
Dance with me
Shake, shake
[Mel whoops, screams]
What is happening?
Mel bet the stripper five bucks
that she would ride him
for 30 seconds.
Jane, you want to take a turn?
No!
Soph, do you want
to ride him next?
No, thank you.
I don't ride people.
-[Mel whoops]
-[partygoers cheer]
Giddyup! [screams]
[partygoers gasp, yelp]
[Mel] Whoa-- [laughs]
-Ow...
-Oh!
[groans] Oh...
Shake it down
Down, down, down
Shake it down
I'm a dancefloor terminator
I love you.
-[siren whoops]
-[woman shushes]
All right, everyone.
Party's over.
[whoops]
Take off your clothes!
Uh, I think they're real.
[indistinct chatter]
[women chattering]
[yells] Not again!
[siren whoops]
[flashbulbs pop]
[Coco sighs]
-Jesus Christ.
-Girls, like, I can't...
I cannot even believe
this is happening right now.
On the plus side, um, in prison,
there are three meals a day.
You can catch up on your shows.
Shut the f*ck up, Mel.
This is all your fault.
You know that?
I feel like it's Shanti's fault,
but not really my fault.
This is not Shanti's fault.
This is your fault.
Who called strippers
to our spa weekend?
Who called my ex?
Who got Sophie fired
from her job?
Who brought a-a crazy
Scarface amount of cocaine?
You! It's your fault!
Okay, I feel like
you're just focusing on
the negative stuff that I did.
Nobody wanted you here
this weekend.
How do you not get that?
No, Coco.
The three of us wanted
to come here without you.
But Sophie felt bad and decided
to invite you last minute,
hoping that
you wouldn't show up.
But somehow you showed up.
You know why? Because you,
you're like a fungus.
You just go into places
where nobody wants you.
All right, maybe that's too far.
-You know?
-No! f*ck that, Jane.
Why do we have to
constantly spare her feelings
while she ruins our lives?
We are in jail right now.
Let that sink in!
Wait, is that true, Soph?
You didn't want me to come?
[gasps] Jane?
[breathes shakily]
You are the friend nobody likes.
Coco, stop.
[seagulls cry]
[distant police sirens wail]
[cell door unlocks, opens]
Good morning, morons.
-Hi, Shanti.
-Good morning, Shanti.
-Shanti.
Are these the women responsible
for destroying your spa?
Yes. And I want to press
all of the charges.
[Officer Byers]
Very well.
Come with me
and I'll take your statement.
[Mel] Wait!
This is my fault.
I trashed the hotel room.
I stole the golf cart.
I took a sh*t in Shanti's purse.
Wait, what?
You can't charge these women.
They did not destroy your spa.
I did, and I take
full responsibility.
Whatever.
Charge the little red one
and let the others go.
You have 30 minutes
to pack your bags
and get off my property.
And if I ever see you
in my spa again,
I will tell my security team
to sh**t to k*ll.
What?
Are we clear?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
["I Love You, I'm Sorry"
by Gracie Abrams plays]
Two Augusts ago
I told the truth, oh,
But you didn't like it
You went home
You're in your Benz
I'm by the gate
Now you go alone
Charm all the people
You train for
You mean well
But aim low
And I'll make it known
Like I'm getting paid
That's just the way
Life goes
I like to slam doors closed
Trust me I know
It's always about me
I love you
I'm sorry
Two summers from now
We'll have been talking
But not all that often
We're cool now
I'll be on a boat
You're on a plane
'Cause that's just the way
Life goes
I wanna speak in code
Hope that I don't
Won't make it about me
I love you
I'm sorry
[sophie exhales sharply]
You guys, I feel so bad for Mel.
-Me too.
-Don't.
You guys,
do not feel bad for her.
She's loaded.
She's got so much money.
You know, she can
find herself a good lawyer
and, and totally get out of this
and be fine. Okay?
[sighs]
[phone rings, beeps]
-Hey, Roger.
-[Roger] Hey.
Uh... What the hell happened
last night?
-[groans]
-What? Um--
Can you be a little bit
more specific with that?
Right, uh--
Look, I just got a call
from your friend Mel
asking for bail money.
Wait, why would she call you
asking you for money?
-She's loaded.
-[Roger] Uh.
No, she's broke.
She lost her job and her house.
And now she's a part-time
lizard salesman
who lives in Van Nuys.
-What?
-What?
[Coco] Wait, so why
would she call you?
Well, she said she didn't
have anybody else to call.
That makes no sense.
Why wouldn't she call, like,
literally any
of her other friends?
Well, she said you guys
were the only real friends
she ever had.
[sighs] Oh, my God.
[Roger] Anyway, look,
I paid the money for the bail.
And she's on her way back
to the spa to get her stuff.
I just thought
you might want to know.
All right, thanks for doing
all of that, Rog, okay?
-[Jane] Thank you.
-Thank you.
-Bye.
-[console beeps]
[Coco sighs]
We have to help Mel.
-Yeah, we do.
-Yeah.
[tires squeal, engine revs]
Okay, okay,
what are we gonna do?
Okay, so,
-we have to find Shanti...
-Mm-hmm.
-Mm-hmm.
-...and we have to get her
to drop the charges against Mel.
-Yes, yes, yes.
-How? How?
We're not even allowed back
on the spa grounds.
Yeah, that's a problem.
But you know what? f*ck it.
-Let's go!
-[all screaming]
[screams echo and fade]
-[reader beeps]
-[gate rattles]
[reader beeps]
-The key doesn't work.
-It doesn't work?
-The key doesn't work. Um--
-No!
Well, if we can't get through
the wall we gotta get over it.
[Jane] Give me a boost.
-Okay.
-Right there.
Oh, your feet are really--
-g*dd*mn.
-You got it!
-Be careful.
-Oh, Jesus Christ.
[Jane]
Okay. I'm close. [grunts]
-Sophie, are we doing it?
-[Sophie] Yeah, uh...
Yes! Okay, push.
[Jane wincing]
Okay. I've got it.
I got it, I got it. [grunts]
-Oh, sh*t.
-[gasps]
[Jane grunts softly]
Hey, you guys.
Okay.
Just forgot my key.
She forgot her key.
We're not doing anything
weird or ill*gal. [chuckles]
Jane, how are we
gonna get into this spa
-if our keys don't work?
-Wait here.
Oh, shi--
-Hey!
-[Jane yelps]
-Run for your f*cking life!
-Oh! Go!
-[Coco] Why are they so fast?
-[all screaming]
-[Coco] Oh...
-[reader beeps]
-Why are they so fast?
-[panicked babbling]
[frantic panting]
Aye-- Whoa...
[panting] Whoa!
Stop chasing us!
[scoffs]
She's not gonna sh**t us.
[guards groaning, coughing]
What the f*ck? [coughs]
-[Coco and Jane yell]
-[yelps]
-I'm so-- I'm sorry.
-[guards coughing]
You're gonna get
your eyesight back
in, like, three days.
[women panting]
Hey, Mel, where's Shanti?
-Oh, sh*t.
-Oh, God.
-Oh, good.
-[Jane] Oh, jeez.
The dipshits are back.
[pants] Listen, Shanti.
You have to drop the charges
against Mel.
[Shanti] And why
would I do that?
She's a disaster.
[Jane] Okay, yes.
Obviously that is true.
Yeah, there's definitely
something wrong with her brain.
I-I still can't believe
she's allowed to vote.
[Jane] But let me
ask you something.
In your group of friends,
is there one person
who nobody really likes?
-Of course, Lauren Diplodocus.
-Oh.
And do you ever wonder
why you still hang out with her?
Actually, yes. All the time.
Well, I'll tell you why.
You hang out with her
because without her,
life is a little bit boring.
Also because we love
talking sh*t about her.
-[Jane] That too.
-That's not nice, Shanti.
But my point is if you get rid
of everyone in your life
who rubs you the wrong way
or who disagrees with you,
or who is a hot mess,
then life gets pretty dull
pretty fast, right?
I mean, you need
the trainwrecks.
You need the sh*t shows.
You need the human clown cars.
You need them
because they stir things up
and they make life
a little better.
-Do they?
-[Jane] Yes.
I had the best sex of my life
this weekend
all because Mel forced me
to talk to this really cute guy
who I would have
never talked to,
and none of that
would have happened without Mel.
-[Coco] Yeah.
-It's the same for me.
Mel got me out of a job
that I hated,
and now I feel like
Lara Croft, Tomb Raider.
Yeah, Mel even tried
to hook me and my ex-husband
back up together
and it was a disaster,
it did not work at all.
But you know,
she tried to help me.
And I really appreciate that.
So when you say
Mel is a disaster...
my response is "obviously."
I mean, she is the worst,
we get it.
But she's our disaster
and she's our friend,
and she makes things
better for us.
And none of this works
without her. None of it.
I just want to say,
I love being your disaster.
Please don't take Mel
away from us, Shanti.
We need her.
We do, we really do.
What do you say, Shanti?
Please?
Fine.
I will call the police,
and tell them
to drop the charges.
Just anything so that
you shut the f*ck up!
Thank you.
And I will be sending you
a massive bill.
-[Jane] Yes, ma'am.
-Oh, my--
Oh, I can't believe that worked.
I can't believe that worked!
Oh, get in here, you lunatic.
Oh, my God. I love you guys.
I love you.
-We love you too, Mel.
-Oh...
Sweet escape
-Ooh.
-[laughs]
-Sunlight on the water...
-[all laughing]
-You guys okay?
-Hey, Roger.
Yeah, we're okay.
Thank you for your help.
That's okay.
How are you doing?
-How am I doing? Um...
-Yeah.
I-I want to say, um, sorry.
Like, sor--
I am sorry for everything.
Oh, it's-- Coco,
it's one weekend. It's fine.
I'm not just talking about
the weekend, Roger.
Like, I'm talking about,
like, everything.
Oh, okay.
I, um...
I even made an appointment
with a doctor, a therapist.
Oh, my God. Like,
I don't even know their name.
Dr. Heeber Geeber
or some sh*t. I don't know.
-Heeber Geeber? [laughs]
-Yep, that's
a very professional name.
And I don't even think being
a therapist is a real doctor,
but it is what it is,
and they have degrees
and hopefully
they can give me drugs and...
I'm just gonna try, you know?
Coco, that's huge.
[Coco] Yeah.
I'm really happy for you.
I, uh...
I really need some help.
I know. Babe, we all do.
Yeah. We do.
So, um, I'll see you
next Saturday
in the parking lot, 2 p.m.
-I will be there. Yeah.
-Great.
-Mm-hmm.
-Um...
Maybe we could grab
a coffee sometime.
Yeah, in a neutral location.
Yeah, I'd love that.
-Okay.
-Awesome.
-See you later.
-Bye, Coco.
-Bye. Get home safe.
-You too.
-Stop looking at me like that.
-I can't, I can't.
-Bye.
-Bye.
-Hey.
-All right, b*tches,
-let's go. Are we ready to go?
-Ooh!
-Yes, yes.
-Wait, wait, wait.
-Do we have everything?
-Yeah.
Wait. You're gonna leave
your yoga boyfriend behind?
-Mel.
-Come on, she's our friend,
and it's our job to tell her
when she's being an idiot.
And you are being an idiot.
Oh, I hate that she's making me
do this, but Mel is right.
-Wait, what?
-I know. Don't get used to it.
I can't remember the last time
I've seen you as happy
as when you were with Kai.
I know, I know, but I think
I screwed it up last night.
-[Sophie] Oh, no...
-No, you can unscrew it.
-You think?
-[all] Yes.
I mean,
he did make me really happy.
-He's nice. And he cooks.
-Yeah. Yeah.
And you smile from ear to ear.
Yeah, he's got a d*ck.
-Should I go?
-[all] Yes!
Okay. Really?
-[all] Yes!
-Okay. [giggles]
["I Want You Back"
by HAIM plays]
I want you back
Mm
Just know that
I want you back
Uh-huh
Just know that
I want you
I'll take the fall
And the fault in us
-I'll give you all the love
-Step one foot back.
I never gave
Before I left you
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, sh*t.
Something's going down.
-She's really cute. I hate her.
-I know.
Can we talk?
Hey, uh,
I'm in the middle of class.
I'm really sorry
about last night.
I could have handled that
so much better.
[stammers] The truth is that
I would love
to make it work with you.
Really?
Yes. Let's just go to dinner
and figure it out.
When?
July 19th?
Is-- Is it Bastille Day or?
Let's go this Friday.
[scoffs]
What about everything
you said last night?
With your family and your job
and kids and everything, Jane?
You know what?
They're just gonna have
to take care of themselves
for a few hours
because this is what I want.
You're what I want.
And sometimes, just sometimes,
I get to do
what I f*cking want to do.
Oh, my God,
I am totally on her side now.
Oh, me too.
I hope they get married.
I'm not sure I fully believe
what I just said right now.
Plus you work at a spa
and you live
100 miles away from me
-and you sleep in a hammock.
-[chuckles]
And there's probably
zero chance
that this is ever
going to work out.
But you said to put myself first
every now and again
and I'm trying really hard
to do that right now.
So if you'll just have
dinner with me?
He just said put yourself first.
-I know, I know.
-When do we
ever put ourselves first?
Say yes before
I screw this whole thing up.
For you, Jane,
I'm free any night.
Aw...
Okay.
[sighs, chuckles]
-Tongue, tongue, I saw tongue.
-Whoa. [chuckles]
["Best Life" by Littie, Kali J,
And Beginners plays]
Bonjour and welcome
to Solaris Monte Carlo.
-Ooh.
-[chuckles deviously]
-[gasps] Oh my gosh.
-Wow.
I can't believe it's your job
to evaluate
every Solaris spa
in the world.
I know.
And remember, we have to try
every spa treatment...
-No.
-...every entree...
-What?
-...every c*ck, everything.
Oh my God, this is so much
better than your last job.
This is so much better
than any job.
Oh, wait, where's Mel?
-[yelps, grunts]
-[fabric tears]
[all yell]
-Wow!
-[Mel yelps, grunts]
Whew!
-Okay.
-You good?
How do I look?
-Great.
-Insane.
-Okay, I-- remember, um...
-Yeah.
...we cannot get too crazy
this weekend though,
-okay?
-Okay.
Absolutely, I'm going to be
on my best behavior.
["Best Life" continues]
Look at us livin'
Our best life
Just giving ourselves right
Look at us
Living our best life
[camera shutter clicks]
Five, six
Five, six
-[beep]
-Seven, eight
["Hot To Go!"
by Chappell Roan plays]
[flashbulb popping]
[all] Whoa!
Holy sh*t.
But it feels like that goat
knows what it's doing.
-Oh, I love you, Daddy.
-...Your new addiction
It's all in my head
But I want non-fiction...
-[chimes]
-Oh, what's that?
It's a phone.
[both laugh]
[laughs, speaks indistinctly]
Baby, do you like
this beat?
I made it
So you'd dance with me
[laughter]
It's like I've never
jumped before. Whoa!
[laughs]
-Oh!
-Oh, sh*t!
Sophie!
Sophie, you got f*cked up!
Are you okay?
[sobbing]
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
No!
No! [sobs]
-[beep]
-What would you do for a job?
-[beep]
-Would you be willing
-to show your t*ts?
-[beep]
Would you be willing
to go to Japan and escort?
-[beep]
-Would you be willing
to give hand jobs
at an old people's home?
I've done it. You wear a glove.
[wheezing laugh]
-[beep]
-[Mel chuckling]
You're all demented.
-H-O-T-T-O-G-O...
-We're demented.
You can take me
Hot to go
H-O-T-T-O-G-O
You can take me
-Hot to go...
-[beep]
I'll take a happy ending.
-[man] Cut.
-[laughter]
-That's nice. Ah--
-Oh...
-[beep]
-Oh! Oh...
-[beep]
-Catch! [grunts]
-[gasps]
-[thuds]
-[Coco] Are you okay, Jane?
-[giggles]
[laughs]
It's like a hundred
Ninety-nine degrees
-[beep]
-Can I just say actually
one of the goats f*cked me.
And today
I felt really nauseous.
I feel like I'm glowing,
and, honestly,
I could be pregnant.
I want to know the goat's
gonna pay for our child.
-I'm not raising this kid alone.
-[Coco giggles]
[laughing]
I want a hands-on dad.
-[Coco giggles]
-H-O-T-T-O-G-O...
-[beep]
-You're supposed to leave me
for like some pretty hot thing.
-Not Kathy Lee Gifford.
-[beep]
-[beeping]
-Ina Garten. Angela Merkel.
-[beeping]
-Joy Behar. Okay, Betty White.
-[beep]
-Dame Judi Dench.
-[laughs]
-That's so rude, by the way.
You're beautiful.
This is so f*cked up.
-I am so sorry I'm late.
-[beep]
My parrot is sick.
-[beep]
-I fell off my scooter again.
-[beep]
-I got attacked
by a swarm of bees.
[all laugh]
-H-O-T-T-O-G-O...
-[beep]
Okay, you can have
all three of them.
-All of my daughters. [laughs]
-[all laughing]
-[beep]
-[wails]
[laughs]
-[beep]
-[overlapping chatter]
-Oh, yes.
-H-O-T-T-O-G-O...
-[whispering] I love you.
-[Coco giggles]
Take me hot to go
Isla, stop grabbing my a*s
and pack your sh*t.
-I'm joking!
-[both laughing]
["Good, Good day"
by Lady Bri plays]
Whoo!
It's a great, great day
It's a good day
-Get up, woo!
-Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah, yeah
Can't you see
The sun shining?
-Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
-Get up!
Nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah, yeah
I woke up
And I rolled outta bed
Got dressed
And I left at ten
Checked my nails
lookin' good
It's a beautiful day
In the neighborhood
-Ah, yeah!
-I know
-This'll be the day
-Ah, yeah!
-Everything will be okay
-Ah, yeah!
-I kiss my cares
all the way
-Ah, yeah!
It's gonna be
A good, good day
It's gonna be
A good, good day
Good, good day
-Good, good day
-Hey!
I think it's finally all
-Gonna go my way
-Go my way
Rain or shine
No, I don't mind
This day is mine
I'm gonna chase all those
Gray clouds away
It's gonna be
A good day
Nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah
Nah, nah
It's gonna be
A good day
Nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah, yeah
No more crying
Myself to sleep
And thinking better days
Are a far-off dream
Get up
And I move my feet
'Cause I hear music
Playing on these streets
-Ah, yeah
-Ain't nobody
-Gonna cry today
-Ah, yeah
Ain't nobody gonna
-Die today
-Ah, yeah
I kiss
My cares
-All the way
-Ah, yeah!
It's gonna be
A good, good day
It's gonna be
A good, good day
Good, good day
Gonna be
A good, good day
I think it's finally all
-Gonna go my way
-Go my way
Go my way
Rain or shine
No I don't mind
This day is mine
I'm gonna chase
All those
Gray clouds away
It's gonna be
A good day
Nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah
-Nah, nah, nah
-It's beautiful
-Nah, nah, nah, nah
-It's gonna be
A good day
-Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
-Yeah
Nah, nah, nah
It's gonna be
A good, good day
No more crying
Myself to sleep
And thinking better days
Are a far-off dream
Get up
And I move my feet
'Cause I hear
Music playing
It's gonna be
A good, good day
It's gonna be
A good, good day
Good
Good day
It's a good, good day
I think it's finally all
-Gonna go my way
-Go my way
Rain
Or shine
No
I don't mind
This day is mine
I'm gonna chase
All those
Gray clouds
Away
It's gonna be
A good day
Nah, nah,
Nah
Nah, nah,
Nah, nah
Nah, nah
It's gonna be
A good day
Nah, nah,
Nah
Nah, nah,
Nah
It's gonna be
A good day
[goat bleats]
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Spa Weekend (2026)
Moderators: Maskath3, sidolanters, GabrielAlejo2341