04x06 - Don't Jump Around Much Anymore

[bunniefuu]

♪ Maybe it's much too early in the game ♪

♪ But I thought
I'd ask you just the same ♪

♪ What are you doing New Year's… ♪

♪ New Year's Eve? ♪

Oh, look at that.

You won't get lipstick off with soap.

To properly clean a glass,
you've gotta use the paste.

Baking soda, salt, water,
and an F-you attitude.

Oh.

Then you rinse them
and leave them to air-dry.

Well, what's the rag for?

[chuckles]

Looks cool when you
throw it over your shoulder.

Mmm.

[Mae] Oh, yeah.

I've never seen you so interested
in doing dishes before.

- Well, that's 'cause Mae is paying him.
- [Mae] Hmm.

It's a time and a half on holidays.

Oh, well, let's see
if you make it to midnight.

I'm ready.

I've stayed up the past
two nights till 1:00 a.m.

- with hardly any hallucinations.
- [Mae] Great!

Next lesson, rinsing the beer mats.

- Awesome.
- Mm-hmm.

- Come on.
- [Ted chuckles]

You sure you don't want to go
to this boat party with the team?

You used to dream of being
a private eye who lived on a boat.

Yeah, I grew the mustache
and everything, you know?

- Yeah?
- No, I'm good.

I want to be here with y'all.

Trust me, those gals don't need me
to have a fun time.

- Cheers, guys!
- Happy New Year!

[all cheering]

Whoo!

Do you guys think Alice
is gonna come tonight?

Well, technically, she's suspended,
but maybe a boat party doesn't count.

Oh, yeah, 'cause it's technically
international waters, isn't it?

We're on a river in the middle of London,
you wet wipe.

There's no need to be so f*cking
condescending all the time, Siobhan.

- Have a laugh, man. Come on. You just…
- No, it's not funny.

Stop, stop, stop. You two are not
going to pull this sh*t today.

I've paid a lot of money for a babysitter
and I'd like to get drunk.

- So stop it, okay?
- She's talking to you.

Oh, there you are.

What are you doing out here?

We can't have our guests of honor
just standing out in the cold.

Unless you can't feel it
because you're all doing ketamine. Mmm?

No, just me?

All right. Well, come on!

Come this way. Come on.

- Let me lead the way. Come on, please.
- [cheering]

Welcome, welcome.

- Oh, great.
- What?

Now Matthijs has turned
his Find My Phone off.

He obviously thinks
I'm trying to track him.

Which you would never do.

Course not. [sighs]

He's probably just been mugged
and had his phone stolen.

[sighs] That'd be lovely.

- [hissing]
- [both] Ooh.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Looks like the color
of the soap in my gym.

- Cheers.
- Ding.

- Oh. Ah.
- Mmm.

- Oh! Thanks. [chuckles]
- Steady on.

- Right.
- Should we go?

- [Rebecca] Through here?
- Yeah. [gasps, laughs]

[exclaims]

[electronic music playing]

Uh, I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna text Matthijs, "Happy New Year,"
for midnight in Amsterdam.

He'll know I'm thinking about him,
so he'll message me back

and we'll get into a bit of sexy,
texty banter.

And bish, bosh,
everything's back on track.

I love that.

But, in the meantime, it doesn't matter
that Matthijs isn't here with you

or that Roy isn't here with me.

Because we have each other
and that is all we need.

Mmm.

- Is that Roy?
- Where?

- [servers hissing]
- [glass breaks]

- Oh, he's here.
- He's there.

[Keeley] And he's all alone.

- Thought you said he had a girlfriend.
- He does. Or did.

I mean, maybe they broke up

because who doesn't spend New Year's
without their girlfriend, right?

Sorry.

- Hello, Roy.
- Rebecca.

- Hello, Roy.
- Keeley.

I didn't have you down as
a vodka-launch-party kind of a guy.

Oh, uh, I'm not here for the vodka.

I'm here to watch a man make
an absolute tit of himself.

- [dramatic music playing]
- [thunder rumbling]

- [Keeley] Oh.
- Here we go.

[crowd chuckling]

- [animal snorts]
- [glass clinking]

[slurps]

- [crowd cheers]
- Is that supposed to be Jamie?

[upbeat music playing]

- [all exclaim]
- [Jamie] First, God created Adam.

And then he thought,
"You need to get laid, son."

So he asked Adam,
"Can I have one of your ribs?"

And Adam said, "Of course, mate.
You're God. Knock yourself out."

And God took that rib and made vodka.

[crowd cheering]

[chuckles]

What the f*ck have they done to my face?

He never misses.

{\an8}[theme music playing]

{\an8}Such a lovely party.

{\an8}Thank you so much for inviting us.

{\an8}Yeah.

{\an8}Leslie's not usually one for boats,
but with his new motion sickness glasses,

the odds of him vomiting everywhere
are decreased significantly.

There's nothing more embarrassing
than a case of seasickness.

Well, I'm not sure about that.

{\an8}You know, I just thought it was time
that all my influential friends

{\an8}got to know this exciting new team
and the brains behind it, you know?

Oh, by the way, where is Rebecca?

Uh… Oh, I'm certain she's on her way.

{\an8}You'd think with those long legs
that she'd get places sooner, you know?

'Cause she's really tall, isn't she?

Yeah, have you noticed that?

{\an8}- [chuckles] Yeah.
- Yeah.

{\an8}David Hockney, you b*stard,
where are my rollerblades?

Shut up, you doughnut.

This is Leslie Higgins.
He's the director of football at Richmond.

{\an8}And this is his charmingly
age-appropriate wife, Julie.

It's me.

{\an8}Unfortunately, this is Hugo Riddles.

{\an8}I don't like him.

{\an8}I don't trust him.

He's my best friend.

- [laughs]
- Tony f*cking Blair.

You little w*r criminal.

Come here and give me a kiss.

{\an8}- My, oh my, aren't you delicious?
- [giggles]

Oh, yes, you are.

{\an8}[giggling, stammers] Leslie.

{\an8}Oh, this is wild.

{\an8}It's like Great Gatsby
and the host is Maleficent.

{\an8}I told some creepy, rich dude that I was
a professional athlete

{\an8}and he propositioned me.

{\an8}What? For sex?

{\an8}No, he wants to buy my blood.

{\an8}Oh. Well, we do want to get a new couch.

I am telling you, we are
one blindfolded piano player away

from this turning into
an Eyes Wide Shut situation.

Oh, God, no.

{\an8}- Wow. That's great.
- Oh, no, no.

{\an8}Okay, Lizzie, just chill out a bit, yeah?

{\an8}Act like you've been here before.

{\an8}I have not been here before, Gemma.

{\an8}And it is very, very unlikely
I'll ever be here again, okay?

{\an8}In fact, turn around.
Make sure no one's looking.

{\an8}- At what?
- Make sure no one's f*cking looking.

{\an8}- Turn around.
- Oh, my God.

{\an8}- Don't draw attention to me.
- Oh, my God.

{\an8}- Ready?
- Oh, my God.

{\an8}- Shield me.
- Yep, yep, okay.

{\an8}Keep shielding.

- Aw, yes.
- [Gemma] Ham, really?

- [Lizzie] Yeah, absolutely.
- [Gemma] Okay.

- Done?
- Yes.

What up, squad?

- [players cheering]
- You look nice!

- Oh, my God!
- Wow!

Tonight is my rebirth.

Baby, new year, but with swagger.

- [players cheering]
- Very nice.

- As you were, happy New Year.
- [laughing]

- Yeah.
- You both are wearing the same outfit.

- [groans] Not the same.
- No.

{\an8}Hey, Coach. Is Alice coming tonight?

{\an8}I don't know.

{\an8}[Gemma] Hmm.

[partner] What do you mean you don't know?

{\an8}This is your 14th outfit.
Do you want me to just pick for you?

{\an8}No. No, you've already done
my makeup for me.

{\an8}Purple was a crazy choice,
by the way, for a face.

[sighs] Okay, I've thought about it,
and I think I'm overthinking it.

It's very simple.

{\an8}I just wanna look authentic,
but also modest,

{\an8}but also, like, stand out
but not too much.

Like, just a little bit,
just-just enough that they're like,

{\an8}"Oh, man, she's really cool.
We've really missed her."

{\an8}Something… I don't know. I'm bitching.

{\an8}Hey. Look, I know you're stressed,
but it's a party.

{\an8}It'll be fun.

{\an8}[sighs] Nobody even wants me there.

{\an8}Shouldn't even be going.

{\an8}I'm still suspended, remember?

{\an8}"Reject the sense of injury
and the injury itself disappears."

And who knows?

Maybe then have a little dance.

{\an8}- [chuckles]
- Yeah, maybe.

If the DJ isn't sh*t.

- [laughs]
- Okay, please.

Please, will you get dressed
and come with me? Please.

You can wear one of
my 13 discarded outfits.

{\an8}You can wear… Oh, you can wear the suit.

{\an8}f*ck me, you would look
so good in the suit.

[grunts] No. No, look,
I've told you, I'm not going.

{\an8}Why?

{\an8}Because if I go, you'll just hide
behind me and my effortless charm

{\an8}and my crazy impressive reference level,
and you won't talk to anybody.

{\an8}Especially if I'm wearing that suit.

{\an8}Then you're gonna want
to leave after 30 minutes.

Does not sound like me.

[chuckles] Babe.

I know how much this team means to you.

Maybe it's time
you let yourself show them.

How? By standing around,
drinking champagne, making small talk?

Sounds f*cking horrible.

Except the drinking part,
which I can do here,

{\an8}where nobody hates me.

All right.

You're missing out on
a very good midnight kiss.

I've been saving up.

- Oh.
- Mmm.

Thing is, I don't have
to kiss you at midnight.

I can kiss you when you go to bed tonight.

And I can kiss you
when you wake up tomorrow.

And I can kiss you now.

- [chuckles] Go on then.
- [chuckles]

[laughs]

I know what I'm gonna wear.

- [snaps fingers]
- I know what I'm gonna wear.

[squeals]

{\an8}- [Rebecca] Ooh!
- [Keeley] Cheers!

[Rebecca, Keeley laughs]

I can't believe they made me
look like that, man.

f*ck. They bottled it.

They bottled the bottle.

Oh, but at least
the vodka tastes bloody good.

- Yeah.
- Who cares, man?

I look like a two-eyed cyclops.

I think they captured you perfectly.

Oi.

Anyway… [clears throat]
…it's good to see ya.

- Yeah?
- I mean, Barcelona's great and all that.

But I miss the boys,

- I miss you lot, innit?
- Oh.

It's just different cultures.
You know what I mean?

It's mostly just tapas and napas there.

Seriously, we get scheduled naps
every day.

I think that that's the secret
to the team's success.

Mostly napping.

And how's your Spanish coming along?

Très bien, merci.

So, come on, did you miss me?

f*ck off.

- He f*cking missed me.
- He f*cking missed you.

I haven't missed you at all.
It's f*cking better without you.

If-If anything, it's a relief.

If you miss me, tell me to f*ck off.

- [groans]
- Mmm.

- Mmm.
- [laughs]

Should we have another
quick round of tarttinis

before we head off to Zelda's,

- you know, whatever it is?
- [gasps] Oh!

Do you gentlemen perhaps feel like
joining us for a boat party tonight?

[groans] Can't. Gotta stay here
till at least midnight, contractually.

Unless there's some sort
of family emergency

or an act of God like, um,
a earthquake or crucifixion.

I would love to,
but sadly, I have other plans.

- Sorry.
- What? That's okay. [chuckles]

- In fact, I really should get going.
- Oh.

What w… Okay. Bye, Roy.

- Happy New Year.
- And you.

Bye, Roy. Happy New Year.

- Happy New Year, Keeley.
- Yeah, you too.

Hey, all jokes aside though, Roy,

appreciate you coming through
and supporting me tonight.

You're like the brother I never had.

Yeah, you too.

A brother who was kidnapped
by the government

because they thought he was a werewolf

due to the fact he was
so f*cking hairy, but…

- This isn't horrible.
- I'm obsessed.

[Jamie] I know.

["Jump Around" playing]

♪ Jump, jump, jump, jump ♪

Okay. Okay.

♪ Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump
Everybody, jump ♪

♪ Pack it up, pack it in
Let me begin ♪

♪ I came to win
Battle me, that's a sin ♪

♪ I won't ever slack up
Punk, ya better back up… ♪

Men do love a song
with an instruction, right?

Like a grown-up version of
"Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes."

♪ I came to get down
I came to get down ♪

♪ So get out your seat
And jump around ♪

- ♪ Jump around… ♪
- [knee cracking]

- [Roy] Whoa! [grunts]
- [Rebecca] Oh, my God!

- Oh, sh*t!
- Okay, okay.

- Roy, no! No!
- [groans]

Oh, f*ck! I shouldn't have jumped around!

You had no choice, Roy!

- f*ck!
- Roy, are you okay?

- Can you get up?
- [groans] I think my knee's exploded.

- [groans]
- What the f*ck are you doing?

I always knew I'd end up
looking after you one day.

- [Roy groaning]
- [Jamie straining]

- Oh.
- [Roy] f*ck.

Put me down! f*ck! This is humiliating!

We're getting you out of here!

Move, everyone!

I'm saving Private Roy!

[Roy] No!

So, how's the book coming along?

- Oh, it's been really fun.
- Oh, yeah?

I found all these gems
about Mark Twain's time abroad,

but then I'm like, I don't know.

Is anyone going to care about
the adventures of an American in London?

[grunts]

- And what about you? How's work?
- Hmm.

Oh, thanks for asking.

Um, yeah. I mean, it's good. I think.

[grunts] You know…

I actually don't know.

All I know is you're not
at the team party tonight.

Is everything okay?

Ma'am. Sir.

Nibbles and bits at your service.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

With a side of party hats.

- Oh. Thank you.
- Oh, of course. [chuckles]

Uh, put them on.

- Oh, very sorry.
- Yes, sir. Okay, yeah. Right away.

- Rookies.
- [scoffs]

- [Michelle chuckles]
- [Ted] Hmm.

Boy, that waiter is a little bossy, huh?

I'm still waiting for an answer.

Yeah, well, I… You know, I don't know.

I guess I'm just feeling a little,
uh, all at sea these days, you know.

Probably why I didn't want
to spend the night on a boat.

So you're feeling adrift?

Uh, yeah, cinematically speaking, I am on
a raft and Wilson is just floating away.

- Well, it's not surprising.
- Hmm?

You always could be thrown off
by a Wilson.

- Wilson was a woman.
- What? No, come on.

No, Wilson was definitely a fella. Yeah.

Uh, otherwise, Tom Hanks's
whole relationship with him

would have been wildly inappropriate
to Helen Hunt's character.

Fine. So now you have an entire
team of non-Wilsons rattling you.

Well, I wouldn't say they're rattling me,
but there are a lot of them.

And a coach that I believe in.

I'm not sure I did the right thing
by suspending her.

The amount of times
I've seen you doubt yourself, Ted…

[sighs] Mmm. Yeah.

You know what Mark Twain would say?

Mmm. What's that?

When in doubt, tell the truth.

I like that.

But I know you're a great coach.

You know why?

[scoffs] No, why?

You taught me how to throw a dart.

["Get Up " playing]

- All right. Play again.
- Yeah.

♪ Get on up
Stay on the scene ♪

♪ Get on up
Like a sex machine ♪

♪ Get on up, get up
Get on up, get up ♪

♪ Get on up
Stay on the scene ♪

♪ Get on up
Like a sex machine ♪

♪ Get on up, get up… ♪

Beard.

♪ Get on up
Like a sex machine ♪

[laughs]

- Yes.
- Whoa. [chuckles]

I want you to meet Claudine.

She's my Botox injector, my facialist,
my wellness shop mixologist.

She's my microdoser.

- I can't tell if you're serious.
- Well, that's because of the Botox.

Look, no emotions.
Like… [gasps] …my dog is dead.

- My dog is dead.
- You… You do very good work.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

This is the guy I was telling you about.

- This is Beard.
- Mmm.

- So it is.
- Yeah.

I'll leave you to it.

Nigel Farage, I'm gonna
make you walk the f*cking plank.

Come here.

- Pleasure to meet you.
- Mmm.

[chuckles] Zelda tells me you have a lot
of good Burning Man stories.

Well, I've heard it said that Burning Man
has some great stories about me.

[chuckles]

- [laughing]
- Hey. What's that guy's story?

- Oh.
- Who? Which one?

The one that's dressed like Ace Ventura.

- [speaking inaudibly]
- He is the richest guy here.

He basically invented virtual reality,
but now he, um…

Now he makes weapons.

Hey, Lizzie, are you jealous
of his cargo shorts?

Imagine the meat and cheese
you could fit in there.

- Mmm.
- Well, you're all saying that,

but at 1:00 a.m., you're all going
to be gagging for my purse ham.

[all clamoring]

Purse ham?

Never again. Never again.

- Hey, look.
- Whoo!

Guys, guys, look who showed up.

[Niamh] Whoa. [chuckles]

What is she doing?

[Margy] It looks like
she's malfunctioning.

See, I told you she was a robot.

Hey, cut her some slack.

Took guts to show up.

[Margy] Oh, when did you
become so understanding?

[Gemma] It's my New Year's resolution.

It's that or eat healthier,
and I'm not doing that.

- Hello.
- Hiya!

- Hi, sorry I'm late.
- [Gemma] It's fine.

Don't worry, the people here
are absolutely mental.

- You all look very nice.
- That suit looks bloody gorgeous.

- Stunning.
- Do you want that?

- Lovely tie.
- Oh, cheers.

- Cheers!
- Cheers!

I actually, on the way over here--

I want you to meet these badasses
because I'm in awe of them.

You really are badasses.

This is my friend Hugo.

He is the worst.

I really am an enormous piece of sh*t.

[laughs]

[chuckling]

These people are really weird, right?

Aw, do they frighten you, little baby?

Yeah, kinda.

Yeah, me too.

This team…
Hugo, they're really going places.

They've got the best coaches.

They've got that Ted Lasso guy,

and they've got that guy
who's called Beard.

Oh, my God, you would love him.

He'd hate you.

And we have Gemma Jay.

Oh, you're a superstar.

You really are the future of this sport.

- Superstar in the making.
- Thank you.

- [Lizzie] Superstar, no less.
- Way too good a star.

Oh. Sorry, excuse me. I have to go.

Prince Andrew's trying
to get back on the boat.

[grunts]

[chuckles]

Ah.

I once shorn a peasant to this song.

[chuckles] Don't you mean "pheasant"?

Sure.

[vocalizing]

Ow, ow…

So, a-are they gonna donate
his old knee to science or something,

because if they don't,
do you think I could have it?

I've got this idea for a necklace
with his patella.

Once again, the doctor
will be able to answer

- all your questions.
- Questions. Yeah.

Hi. Sorry, I came as quick as I could.

Hello. Oh, hello, everyone.

- Hi.
- Hello, Doctor.

Hello, Doctor.

You all right?

f*ck me, she's gorgeous and a doctor?

Mmm. God giveth and God giveth to her.

- Have you given him anything?
- Beer.

Yeah, we gave him the good stuff.

Did you?

- [Rebecca snorts]
- [laughs]

So what happened then?
I thought we were meeting at 10:00

and then you just
stopped responding to my texts.

- [Roy sighs]
- Wait.

[Jamie] Uh, doctor lady, I can explain.

See, "Jump Around" came on, so…

Right.

- No, I get it. Say no more.
- Yeah.

I was at med school during
"Crank That Soulja Boy."

- [scoffs]
- Lost a few good men.

- [chuckles]
- Oh.

I was in a House of Pain.

- Were you?
- Yeah.

- Oh, my God.
- It's okay. It's okay.

- Are you drunk?
- No.

- How dare you…
- Uh, he's had quite a skinful, Doctor.

Oh, yeah, Jamie Tartt's tart apple vodka
coming to a shelf near you.

[grunts, chuckles]

Um, but don't, uh… Don't…
Don't actually look at the label though.

And he's slightly allergic to penicillin.

He claims he has hay fever,

but I'm pretty sure it's just to cover up
that he's crying at Inside Out 2.

And, uh, he shouldn't go too long
without a protein bar

or he gets all weird.

[chuckles]

All right, well, thank you.

Unfortunately, I'm gonna have
to ask any non-immediate family

to leave the room
while I sort this one out.

Oh. Yes, of course.

Hey.

Don't you die.

Wassup!

Oh, you can stay
to look after your dad, love.

[chuckles] Uh, thank you,
but it's too hard seeing him like this.

I think I'll wait outside.

Good luck, Dad! [chuckles]

What a f*cking arsehole.

Let's get you a tea. Okay.

[Gemma] Don't jump!

Oh, my God, no. I… I wasn't.

I was just, um, having a minute.

I'm kidding.

Well, yeah, obviously.

Thanks.

I mean, if one of us dies, it'll be
from an Illuminati blood ritual, right?

Yeah. Well, I hope my iron deficiency
makes me a less desirable candidate.

- Cheers.
- Ah.

[chuckles]

I think it's cool that you came.

Yeah, well, you know, I wanted to
bring in the new year with my team.

You're doing a great job of it, mate.

[chuckles] Yeah. Yeah.

I'm really glad
you're playing football again.

Even if you are studying law
for some reason.

Oh, I do that for
the student discount at Pret.

[chuckles]

What does a rich kid need with a discount?

Rich kid?

I'm a full-time student whose day job
is in women's football.

I'll take all the help I can get.

[grunts]

Can I say something slightly personal?

If you hate it,
you can just throw me overboard.

When we played together, you were--

I know I was.

I'm really sorry.

I didn't mean to be dramatic or anything.
It's just weird being around you again.

In a good way, mostly.

It's just different. [chuckles]

'Cause you were an arsehole.

[scoffs] Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was.
[chuckles]

I think I still am really.

What? Why?

Well, the team hate me for a start.

They don't hate you,
they're just figuring you out.

- Hmm.
- You're intense.

Sometimes people need a minute
with intense.

For what it's worth, I like you.

Even when you're being an arsehole.

Aw, thank you.

You're welcome. [chuckles]

Did you know that
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

came out in England six months before
it came out in America? You know why?

What? He ticked the wrong box
on the paperwork?

No, because the only way
to secure the British copyright

was to publish it here first.

That one choice made him a fortune.

Ooh, I love me a business savvy satirist.

- [chuckles] Yeah.
- Happy New Year, lady Coach.

- And Coach's lady.
- [Ted] Hey, fellas.

Uh… Y'all remember Michelle.

- I guess.
- Of course.

And I think it's so mature,

even though you guys are divorced,

you're still giving
each other's midnight kiss.

- Oh, no. It's not like that.
- No, we're just good friends.

Oh, in that case, Michelle, if you're
feeling lonely at 11:59, come find me.

- Oh.
- What is wrong with you?

I'm just trying to put myself
out there, Baz.

- I'm so proud of you.
- [Jeremy] Ah, thanks, man.

They raise an interesting question though.

- Mmm.
- Is there anybody out there these days

that you'd like to be kissing at midnight?

I, um…

Hey, Mae. What happened to
that new employee of yours?

[chuckles] Follow me.

Adorable.

I will have to dock his wage.

- Of course. Yeah.
- Yeah.

[sighs, scoffs]

I mean, you both saw how she said,
"Immediate family only," right?

You did. It was… it was rude.

She wasn't even in scrubs.

I think that's really unprofessional.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna… I'm gonna
report her to the medical board.

I need to do that
because she was unprofessional,

she was mean,
and she was really f*cking hot.

[sighs] Well, maybe we should ask them

if they've got any
of those drugs they gave Roy.

- I mean… Oh.
- [phone ringing]

[staff] Paging Dr. Brown.
Dr. Brown, please dial…

[gasps] Oh, it's Roy's sister. Sorry.

Tell her I said hi.

I will. Hi, Jenni.

Yeah, Tartt says hi. We're all here.

[DJ] Thanks for spending your
New Year's Eve with Soft Rock Hits.

It's 40 minutes to midnight.

Hope you're with the one you love.
This one goes out to my missus.

"She Believes in Me" by Kenny Rogers.

["She Believes in Me" playing]

It's fun, innit?

Just like old times.

[sighs]

Oh, f*cking hell, I'm so…

I'm… I'm so sh*t at small talk.

Jamie, no. Really, it's not you.
Um… I just…

I had the most amazing thing
come into my life

and because it wasn't perfect, I've just…

screwed it.

Sorry. It's just… You know…

That's exactly like my vodka label.

In what way?

Okay, so, the original label,
I looked amazing, right?

Abs were shredded, had the perfect
centimeter of a*s cleavage,

but I wanted more.

Something I learned about myself actually,
Rebecca, I always want more.

Right, I-I remember that in
your contractual negotiations.

You wanted an atrium in your locker.

As if I have a f*cking scooby
of what an atrium was.

Still don't. [scoffs]

Anyway, so I goes to him, I said,

"Oh, this don't stand up to
the Jamie Tartt standards.

You've got to redo it again."

So I go to all the graphite design dweebs
and I say, "You gotta do it.

You do it over the weekend."

I take away their Sunday Funday,
and for what?

Hmm.

An Adam with a squashed face, disgusting.

Sometimes, perfect is the opposite
of good, you know what I mean?

- Did you just come up with that?
- No.

It's Voltron, French philosopher.

Oh, no. I think you mean Voltaire.

What, the cartoon robot? Wouldn't know.

f*cking nerd.

[chuckles]

["Love Letter" playing]

♪ Be my lover, love letter ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Won't you help me get out of my head ♪

Food is delicious.

Yeah, I'll give you
the name of my caterer.

They can get fried dodo legs.

- Uh… Miss Southport.
- Yeah?

No, Miss Southport.

That's my old roommate
whose identity I stole.

What? I don't know.

Call me Zelda.

Yes, well,
I just got off a call from Rebecca,

and unfortunately, her and Keeley
won't be able to make it tonight.

Don't sh**t the messenger.

[sighs] I quite hate that phrase.

I'll sh**t whoever I want.

- [scoffs] Scoot.
- Oh.

[sighs]

Um, attention, everyone.

I have some very tragic news to report.

It seems that Rebecca Welton will not
be attending our amazing soirée.

- [groaning]
- I know, I know. No, no, no. No, I know.

It's actually quite punk rock of her, not
to attend her own team's party, you know.

- Mad respect. [kisses]
- [laughing]

Look at us. We're just a-a gaggle
of female footballers

and some outlandishly wealthy pricks.

[laughing]

I'll be brief.

Our guests of honor, the Lady Greyhounds.

I wanna make a toast to you lot,

to the AFC Football Women! Yeah!

[cheering]

- [gasp]
- [guest] Oh, my God.

Now, who's ready to take
this party to the next level?

[crowd] Ooh…

- [classical music playing]
- [grunts]

[crowd cheers]

Uh… What do you think, Coach?

- I think we get the f*ck out of here.
- Yep.

- Go, go, go! Go, go, go, go!
- Nah, we're getting f*cking out.

[footballers clamoring]

[Lizzie] Nah, I'm too drunk for this.

- Amazing.
- What're you waiting for? Come on!

[laughs] I called it!

Get in here! Go!

[chuckles] f*cking freaks.

[door opens]

Well, we do not have
to worry about whispering

because that kid's out colder than
your dad on Thanksgiving.

- His flag project is great.
- Yeah?

- Did he let you help him?
- Heck, no.

That's what he's been doing
till 1:00 a.m. the last couple of nights.

I've been falling asleep
on the couch here. You want a beer?

- Yes, please.
- You got it.

- You still haven't answered my question.
- Hmm.

Is there someone out there
you'd like to be kissing at midnight?

Hmm. If you're gonna
make me talk about this,

I'm gonna have
something stronger than a beer. You down?

- Yeah.
- All right, let's cook.

Mm-mmm.

Geez Louise.

- [sighs]
- [Ted grunts]

Well, to answer your question.

No, there isn't anyone.

- Really?
- Mm-mmm.

What about Rebecca's friend, Snazzy?

- Oh, you mean Sassy. [chuckles]
- Sure.

Yeah, well, I mean, her and I's thing
was really more just, uh--

- f*cking.
- [gulps]

I was gonna say friendly,
but you're the writer.

- Oh, God.
- And yeah. [chuckles]

So, wait, you haven't gone on
a single date since we split up?

Yes, I have.

Yeah, no, uh… You remember, uh…
Henry's friend, Jackson?

His mom and I went go-karting
that one time.

That wasn't a date.

That was her son's birthday party
that no one went to

because the whole school got lice
except for you two somehow.

Yeah, that was a real head scratcher.

Okay, well, what can I say?

I'm sorry I didn't have
a shady therapist pursuing me,

making my return to dating
so easy. [chuckles]

What are you talking about?

Mmm.

You and Dr. Jacob.

That guy manipulated that whole situation
because he had the hots for you.

That's not what happened, Ted.

He didn't pursue me.
If anything, it was the other way around.

[sighs]

After our divorce, I hated myself.

For over a year, I sat at home every night
vacillating between feeling guilty

and feeling confused,
always putting on a brave face for Henry.

And then…

one day,
I'm grocery shopping in my pajamas

and I see Jake haggling with
the cashier over an expired coupon.

I asked him out on the spot.

And he said no,
because I was a former client.

I insisted.

"Nothing romantic," I said, and it wasn't,
not for months.

I was just sad

and lonely, and I just thought, well…

if I'm going to spend time with someone,

it might as well be somebody that
already knows all my sh*t

so I don't have to explain it all,
and they don't have to come figure it out.

I didn't know you were going
through all that.

How could you?

I feel a lot better now,
but I do worry about you.

I've learned divorce makes us do crazy
things, but it doesn't make you a failure.

[chuckles]

Mmm.

You remember my first
head coaching job down at Fort Scott?

God, and that tiny apartment?

[scoffs] You couldn't fit
a large pizza in that joint.

Every morning,

I'd wake up, I'd be like,
"Uh-oh, today's the day.

They're gonna sniff me out.
They're gonna send me packing."

Not you though. Nope.

You just kept on encouraging me.

Writing me little notes.

Making signs that
I could hang up in my office.

[chuckling] Yeah.

You always could see things in me that
I couldn't see in myself at times.

Good and bad.

So, yeah, you're right.

I gotta keep telling my truth at work.

Whoever I'm coaching.

Or coaching with.

And yes, I should probably ask someone
out on a date.

Well, as Mark Twain would say,

"Continuous improvement is
better than delayed perfection."

Mmm.

Wait.

Are we talking about coaching or dating?

I'm just talking about Mark Twain.

You're damn right.

[both chuckle]

[Claudine] You are wild.

I cannot believe that you were at Burning
Man during the Great Whiteout of '07.

I actually,
I vividly remember reading about it

on MySpace at Brownies
on my parents' computer.

It's the exact same experience.

Yeah, exactly the same.

[both laughing]

I think it's almost midnight.

Yeah, it looks like it.

Oh, my feet are a bit chilly. Do you mind?

- Oh, please, here.
- Cool.

Thank you.

I hate being cold.

You know what I hate?

- What?
- Waiting till midnight.

- Oh. Uh…
- Oh.

- Oh, no.
- Oh!

That-That's a shame. I…

[clears throat]

You're great.

Actually, you're-you're really fun
and-and really interesting.

- I know.
- It's just, uh… you're old.

- Factually accurate.
- Yeah.

Objectively true. [chuckles]

Uh… But that's my misread.

- Sorry. Sorry about that.
- Cool. We're good.

- Oh, thank you. Oh, hey!
- Bud.

[both chuckle]

- That's energy for the new year.
- I'm gonna get a drink.

- Do you want a drink?
- I'm good.

- Okay. [chuckles]
- I'm good.

- See you… See you on the playa.
- On the… playa?

Oh. [laughing] Happy New Year, everybody!

[Lizzie] Happy New Year!

Do you think they have
another one of these?

Happy New Year! Happy New Year!

Oh! Oh!

[footballers cheering]

Happy New Year, b*tches!

[tense music playing]

- [Niamh] Bet you will there.
- [Lizzie] Yeah.

- Hey. Lizzie, Lizzie, Lizzie, look.
- What? What?

Siobhan.

May I have that please?

We were hoping
we'd bump into you lot again.

You all got f*cking robbed by Chelsea.

- Were you there?
- f*ck yeah, we were there.

- Yeah, we love pineapple now.
- He means you guys.

- Yeah, that's what I said.
- Well, let's be friends then!

[cheering]

Sorry, I forgot I don't drink.

- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.

[Mae] Oi, ah!

You lot are still banned till the end
of the year, which is in 15 minutes.

So until then,
why don't you take it out on the green?

Here, entertain yourselves with this.

- Let's go!
- [cheering]

[Jenni] So sorry we're out of town, Roy.

Don't worry, Phoebs and I will be
there first thing in the morning, okay?

Thank you, Mr. President.

- [chuckling]
- [chuckling] What?

No, it's your sister, babe. It's Jenni.

Thank you, Mr. Jenni.

- They gave him the good stuff, huh?
- Yeah.

Well, don't worry. He's in good hands.

Yeah.

Happy New Year, Jenni.

You too.

Give a kiss to Phoebs, will you?

- Yeah, will do. Bye.
- Bye.

Thank you, Keeley.

Guess what?

- It's almost midnight.
- [gasps]

Oh, no, am I in trouble?

No. [chuckling] Not at all.

Oh, sorry.
I was just letting Roy talk to his sister.

That's all right.

[Keeley] I'm heading out now.

- It's nice to meet you.
- Likewise.

- Happy New Year. Yeah.
- Happy New Year.

Right. Hello.

[Roy sighs]

I'm glad you stayed.

I wanted to tell you something.

[sighs]

Meeting you has actually
been one of the loveliest things

that's ever happened in my life.

So random.

There was no way of knowing that
was gonna be the start of something.

But I love how I feel when I'm around you.

And I love you.

[chuckling]

I love you, Keeley.

Yeah. All right. [chuckles]

All right. Come on, then.

- Let's tuck you in.
- [grunts]

[grunts]

You rest up, Mr. Kent.

[sighs]

You know, I actually did meet
someone pretty interesting recently.

Oh, what's her name?

I don't know.

Where'd you meet her?

Backstage at a theater.

- Is she an actress?
- Mm-mmm.

No, she's a stage manager.

Well, you should ask her out.

Would that be okay?

Yes, Ted.

Better than okay.

- [people chattering, laughing]
- Happy New Year!

[clamoring, cheering]

Why don't you go down there,

ring in the new year with them?

I'll stay here with Henry.

Go be with your team.

So, no midnight kiss then
for either of us, huh?

Hmm. How about an 11:57 hug?

- That old tradition. Come on, come here.
- [chuckles]

Hey. Thank you for always believing in me.

Go.

Hmm.

Okay. Okay, you reprobates.
Are you ready for the countdown?

- [cheering]
- Yeah!

[chattering continues]

Mmm! You can still… Hey, it's f*cking…
It's f*cking Ted!

- What's he doing here?
- [cheering]

What the heck are you all doing down here?

Yeah, we're barred still.

[Ted] Oh, right!

Hey! Oi!

It's nearly time!

[phone chimes]

{\an8}[DJ] Well, folks, it's about that time.

Thanks for spending your New Year's Eve
with Soft Rock Hits.

If you're not next to the one you love,

look around the room and, hey,
pucker those lips, you never know.

The countdown begins now.

Ten! Nine!

Eight!

Seven!

Six!

Five!

[DJ] Four. Three.

- Two. One.
- [phone chimes]

Here.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year!

[cheering]

[g*nshots]

[screams]

Jesus! Quick, let's go! Let's go!

[screaming]

Happy New Year!

[cheering]

- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.

- [no audible dialogue]
- ["Auld Lang Syne" playing]

♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And never brought to mind? ♪

♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And auld lang syne? ♪

♪ For auld lang syne, my dear ♪

♪ For auld lang syne ♪

[Rebecca] How are you here?

You didn't answer any of my texts.

Yeah, well, uh…
it wasn't midnight in London yet.

But you turned off F-Find My Phone.

I didn't want to ruin the surprise.

[whispers] That's Jamie Tartt.

[Ted chuckles]

Happy New Year, Coach.

You too.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Would you like a…

- hug or something? Yeah, okay.
- Come on. Bring it in. Let's do it.

Good to see you.
Yeah, I'll see you at work.

Yes.

Hey, Coach. Coach. Happy New Year.

Um… Listen.
I know you think that we don't like you.

But we really like you.

We really like you, okay?

Hey.

Did you tell the team what I said?

Have you just all been
talking about me behind my back?

No, no, no, I…

No, I… I was just trying to help.

Okay, all right.
Well, I don't need your help, okay?

["Auld Lang Syne" continues playing]

[shouting]
♪ For auld lang syne, my dear… ♪

♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And never brought to mind ♪

♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And auld lang syne ♪

♪ And auld lang syne ♪

♪ And auld lang syne ♪

[fireworks hissing, cracking]