04x19 - George's Grand Slam

[bunniefuu]

Dad?
Hey!

What are you doing
down here?

I fell asleep
on the chair last night.

You and mom
had a fight?

Were you being
emotionally distant again?

What does
that mean, anyway?

It means that
I'm not fascinated

by every little detail
of your mother's day.

"That muffin
only had 7 carbs?

Wow!"

The trick is to say "wow."

It's like a magic
little word

that makes it seem
like you're interested.

You know, it seems no matter
how many times I do laundry,

the basket's always full.

Wow!

Did you teach your son
to "wow" me?

You know
about the "wow"?

I have for 11 years.

Wow.

That one was real.

I didn't hear you
come to bed last night.

I had to keep an eye
on Carmen and Jason.

I feel asleep
down here.

I know it's hard for you
having Jason live with us,

but you can't sleep
on that chair

for the next five weeks.

Look, I don't know
how you can sleep at all,

Angie, knowing that Carmen's
boyfriend's in the house.

It's fine. He's on the couch.
She's in her room.

That means they're only


Think about it, Angie.

He's over 6 feet tall.

He does three cartwheels,
he's there.

He sticks the landing,

we're grandparents.

You're being ridiculous.

Nothing's gonna happen.

You're damn right
nothing's gonna happen...

Because he's gotta get past me
to get to her bedroom,

and nothing gets past me --
not even a fly.

Wa-pow!

There's nothing
in your hand.

I'm so fast,
I already released it.

Can't Jason just use

the other stairs
in the living room?

I'd like to see him try.
Remember that electric shock pad

we bought to keep the dog
off the couch?

It's on the third step.

Max: Oh, crap!

Don't you think you should
have warned your son?

I did.

You said it was
the third step!

From the bottom!

Oh. Got it!

Morning.

How'd you sleep, Jason?
Not so good.

I kept having this dream
that someone was

standing over me saying,
"give me a reason, vato."

"Vato" is curious.
It's very curious.

Sounds like some sort
of ethnic term, huh?

Man.

Oh, did I miss breakfast?

I just rolled out of bed
and came down.

Jason,

I forgot
you were staying here.

Who are you?

Where's the demon girl
we see every morning

with the eye boogers
and the nasty breath?

"No one talk to me
till I have my waffle."

I think you look
great, Carmen.

Oh, thank you.

I've never seen you
in the morning.

You look so cute
with bed head.

Cut it out.

No, I like it
all messed up.

Yeah, how would you like it
all matted with blood, tambien?

Well, they're all over
each other.

órale, red shoes diary,

cover yourself.

Look, if you guys are
gonna live in this house,

there's gonna be
some rules.

First of all, you're both
grounded for lying to us

about that party
at Jason's house last night.

So we decided
for the next two weeks

there'll be no going out,
no TV, no phone.

Two weeks
stuck in the house together?

I guess that sounds fair.

And while you're
in the house,

there'll be no kissing,
no touching,

and undergarments
are to be worn at all times.

Let me put this in a term
you may understand, schoolboy.

If I see
your participle dangling,

you're a dead man.

Starting when?

Dad, relax,
we're not gonna do anything.

Yeah. It's so cool of you
to take me in

for the rest
of baseball season.

I mean, I would never
take advantage of that.

That's right.
You have nothing to worry about.

We're gonna be
adults about this.

Well, now that we're all
on the same page,

I need to get dressed,
and you need to get

in the shower before work.

We'll make
you guys breakfast.

Wait for it.

Now.
No.

The shower has started.

Not yet, not yet.

Now.

George: Aah!

Oy.

Just looking
for my shampoo.

It's not here.

Ay. Angie!

* all my friends

* know the low rider

* the low rider

* is a little higher

Bring the heat.

If you got any heat.

You probably got
a big old noodle for an arm.

Aah!

Man, that was


Hey, Ernie, throw it back
to Jason as hard as you can.

What was that?

Ha ha. 22.

That thing's
broken, man.

Yeah, you're right.
You know, throw it again.

I get a better measurement
if I can run alongside the ball.

Dad, the dodger game
is starting.

Oh, come on, Jason. The Dodgers
are playing the astros.

I want you to see
clemens pitch.

Growing up in Cuba, I seen
a lot of good ballplayers.

And you remind me
of rucho Rodriguez --

best pitcher I ever saw.

Ah, he dreamed
of coming to america

and playing
for the Yankees.

Did he ever make it?
No.

He tried to swim
for freedom,

but his right arm was
so much stronger than his left.

He ended up doing circles
around the island

until they arrested him.

"Birds still singing,

"sun still shining.

"This day shall have
no night.

My soul is a smiley-faced
helium balloon."

I think it's the best poem
I've ever written.

What do you think,
Kinsey?

I think if I randomly
ate those words

and puked them
onto the page,

it'd be a much better poem.

You don't like it?

Carmen, you're only gonna
be cheating yourself

and everyone else
at the poetry club

if you don't
look within.

I mean, you have to find
your most personal wound

and rip the scab off.

Let your blood
be your ink.

But I'm in love.

I mean, my boyfriend's
in the house.

Things are pretty good
right now.

No, they're not.
You're Mexican!

You're in pain.

Your people have been
r*ped and pillaged

by the conquistadores!

I am so jealous.

What are you talking about?
She was born in Burbank.

She's got her own car
and a closet full of clothes.

You wanna see
a Mexican suffering,

come back when I have to pay
her cell phone bill.

What are you doing?

Watching the dodger game.
So why don't you guys

go explore your dark souls
in the kitchen?

You said we're not allowed
to watch TV.

This is different. This is for
Jason's baseball career.

Well, what if there was
something about poetry on TV?

We watch something
about poetry on TV every year.

It's called "how the grinch
stole Christmas."

What?
It rhymes.

Yeah, I like the dog
with the antlers.

I know, it's classic.

Why don't you guys
write something like that?

Come on, let's go
finish this in the kitchen.

You know what?
I'm kinda hungry.

Do I have time to go
make us some sandwiches?
No, no.

I want you to see how clemens
pitches around this hitter.

Hey, Carmen, could you make us
a couple of sandwiches, please?

What do you want on them?

órale!

You cannot be serious.
What?

You're just gonna
wait on them like that?

You know they're only asking you
because you're a girl.

That is so sexist.

You know, it's funny,
Kinsey...

I asked Carmen
to do something,

and, like, sound
comes out of your mouth.

You're like,
"eee eee eee!"

That is so sad.

I mean, so much head,
and so little in it,

I can, like, hear it --
rrr -- rattling.

Kinsey's right.
It is sexist.

Make your own sandwich.
I've got a poem to write.

Oh, wait, wait.
I'll write the poem for you.

"Carmen, please,
don't make me beg.

What I'd like
is some chorizo and egg."

You know what,
Mr. Lopez?

Our poems don't rhyme
because rhyme schemes

are chains of bondage
on free thought --

chains invented by men.

You know, Kinsey,
I'm betting you got

a forest under there,
don't you?

What's going on?

Oh, Carmen's making sandwiches.
You want one?

George: Jason!

Hey, don't you have
to get to the batting cages?

Oh, yeah.
I better get going.

Hey, how come he's going
if I'm not allowed to?

We're both grounded.
Dad, I'm missing my poetry slam.

I told you before, Carmen,
this is different, okay?

This is
about his baseball career.

No, it's not different.
It's because I'm a girl. Mom!

Call her again.
That don't scare me.

Mom!

Go, go.
Go, go, go, go.

Mom, dad's letting Jason
go to the batting cages,

and he won't let me go
to my poetry slam.

We agreed
they were both grounded.

Look, Angie, Jason's got
a chance to go pro, okay?

He's got scouts that are
gonna come and see him.

His whole future depends
on how prepared he is.

But poetry
could be my future.

Look, Carmen,
poetry's not a career.

No one ever got
a million-dollar signing bonus

for rhyming "bingo"
and "name-o."

So, baseball's more important
than poetry

just because you can
make money at it?

Bingo!
Name-o!

Well, poetry is
my passion,

and I'm gonna major
in it at college,

so get used to it.

College,
yeah, right.

What?
I'm going to college.

Really? So I guess all those
c's on your report card

stood for
c-c-c-c-college.

And that "d" stood for,

"damn, I was almost a 'c.'"

dad, I was
going through stuff,

but I'm trying harder now.

George, she did take
her college aptitude test.

The only reason
she took it, Angie,

is because you made her.
Look, Carmen's not motivated.

All she cares about is Jason,
her hair, and her clothes.

Even when you homeschooled her,
she was late to class

because she said there was
traffic on the stairs.

Wait a second.

This isn't about poetry

or me being a girl.

This is about
what dad thinks of me.

Carmen,
your father loves you,

and he wants
what's best for you.

Dad,

do you believe
I could make it in college?

What do you think I'm supposed
to do with my life?

Carmen, I just think
you need to be realistic.

Realistic?

Oh, my god, you never thought
about me going to college

because you don't
believe in me.

I never thought about
you going to college, Carmen,

'cause you never showed me
any potential.

Carmen,
he didn't mean it.

How could you?

Look, Angie,
I know we're gonna have

a big fight, all right?
But let me tell you this.

I didn't sleep
very good last night,

and what I could use right now,
really, is a power nap.

'Cause if you defeat
a tired George,

really, what have you won?

How could you
tell our daughter

she doesn't have
any potential?

Look, Carmen's never been
a great student.

She's never come to me
and said, "dad, I wanna be

a teacher, or an accountant,
or a doctor."

She's never pursued anything
that wasn't 6'4"

in tight jeans that made
his butt look "so hot."

Well, she's pursuing
poetry now.

And if that's got her
excited about college,

then we should support her.

Come on, Angie, Carmen's not
college material.

She needs to wake up
and smell the coffee...

Then probably pour it
for a trucker

and tell him
about the specials.

What are you doing?

Oh, see, I am taking
my losing lotto scratchers,

painting over them
with this silver nail Polish,

and then I'm selling 'em
to the neighborhood kids.

I took a lose-lose,
turned it into a win-win.

Then you can go
to hell-hell.

Why don't you worry
about your own problems?

What's the Princess mad
about this time?

Forget to put the seat down,

and she dunked
her doughnut?

No, we're arguing
about Carmen going to college.

Oh, college.

That's just a place to get drunk
and sleep with strangers.

So your bedroom's
a university, huh?

What's the name of it,
u.C. Old lay?

Hey, you know what?
All I'm saying, George,

is rich people
are the only ones

who can afford
to go to college

and screw around
for four years.

People like us
have to work.

That's what I've been trying
to tell her,

but she's 16,
she don't get it yet.

Oh, well, neither did you
when you were her age.

You had this stupid dream
of being a rock star.

I had a shot.

You knew three chords,

and your voice sounded
like a cat

with its huevos in a vise.

It only sounded like that
on that one song, "mexi-cat."

* put your tail in the air,
I'll be right there *

I think we both knew

you were gonna end up
at the factory.

Well, I didn't know I was gonna
end up in the factory.

I could have got
other jobs.

What about that time
I was gonna go to that place

but I didn't go
'cause I didn't think

the guy was
gonna be there?

Come on,
you could barely read.

You walked out
of "star wars" --

there were too many words
at the beginning.

"Mommy, mommy,
you fooled me.

That was a moving book."

You see?

That's the kind of stuff
you did to me when I was a kid.

You always made fun of me.
You never encouraged me.

George, what was
I supposed to do?

You weren't a good student.

I mean, you never
came to me and said,

"mommy, I wanna be
a bookie,"

or "I wanna run
a liquor store."

You know, something
that showed me

you were serious
about your future.

That's because
you never pushed me,

so I never reached my...

Potential.

That's right, George.
Big word, sound it out.

I never pushed Carmen.

Oh, now, see,
you just can't win.

George, if you push kids
and it doesn't go well,

then it's your fault.

And if they succeed...

I don't know what
that's like.

Hey, Carmen doesn't
have to be smart.

Maybe she's lucky.

Why don't you
buy 10 scratchers and see?

I k*lled the Indians.

I bought the sl*ves.

I forced the Chinese
to build my railroad.

Chugga chugga.

All aboard!

For oppression.

Welcome to my white america.

I'll have a diet soda

with my hot apple lie.

I'm Kinsey.
You guys were awesome.

God, I hope
they like my poems.

These people
are amazing.

Honey, you'll be fine.
They all suck.

Mom!

What? They're just
angry at everything.

Oh.

I-I'm sorry you feel
discriminated against

by corporate society,

but you can't be a teller
in a bank

with a door knocker
in your nose.

What are you doing here?

I came to talk
to Carmen.

Look, it was wrong for me to say
that you have no potential,

even though you haven't
worked hard at school

or impressed me
in any way.

Is he trying
to apologize?

It's too soon to tell.
It could go either way.

And part of that
is my fault

because I didn't
push you enough, okay?

I didn't have
expectations for you.

But that's over now.
You're gonna make

something of your life,
and I'm gonna see to it.

I'ma be like a drill sergeant,
and you'll be like,

"daddy, I can't
study anymore. I'm so tired."

I'm gon' be like,
"your daddy isn't here!

Now drop and give me


It's an apology, honey.

And to show you
that I'm serious,

I even started
a college fund for you.

All those jokes about me not
having a college fund were true?

No, you always had
a college fund,

it just didn't
always have money in it.

We spent money on other things,
like the house, and the cars,

and that insurance
your mom made me buy

'cause that crazy duck on TV
told her to.

Quack quack.

I just want you to know

that I was so mad at you
after what you said,

that I finally picked up
my college test scores.

Well, being below average isn't
good enough anymore, Carmen.

So we're gonna
get you a tutor,

and we're gonna get
those scores up, maggot.

Actually, dad, I placed
in the top 20th percentile.

Get out.

Carmen, that's wonderful.

Yeah, I mean,
now I can go to a good college.

Maybe even the Ivy league.

Ivy league.
That would be something.

You know, Carmen,
there's only $300 in here.

That was the limit
on my atm.

Okay, up next,
this poet is doing

her very first slam.

Please welcome
Carmen consuela Lopez.

I realized I don't really
wanna do this poem anymore.

Let's just go home.

No, no, no, no.
See, your old dad would say

"you're right. Let's get
the hell outta here,"

but now that I'm all behind you,
go up and do your thing, girl.

Okay, but, um,
just so you know,

I wrote this when I was
in a kind of dark place.

Don't make any excuses.
Go, Carmen consuela Lopez.

"My daddy."

Daddy dream k*ller.

Daddy life stealer.

Daddy soul crusher...

Looks like mama didn't make
the cut on show night, huh?