04x12 - Friends Don't Let Friends Marry Drunks

[bunniefuu]

Ricky and I are gonna
play video games.

I don't want you playing
anything violent.
It's a good game.

It's about men
protecting women.

It's called
"big pimpin' 2005."

No! I don't want you kids
playing that game.

Play the one where the frog
tries to cross the street.

I got to protect my high score
on "big pimpin'," yo!

One more level, and I get a
walking stick with a fuzzy hat.

Yo, Jasmine,
get in the car!

Here you go.

Oh, I'll get that.

God, for football players,
you guys are so clumsy.

That's okay, Carmen.
I'll get it.

Wa-pow!

Take a picture.
It'll last longer.

Watch that circular.

George, I thought we were
watching Ricky

because Ernie had
a date tonight.

It's probably over
by now.

She's probably in
the ladies' room,

standing on the sink,

trying to figure out a way
to squeeze through the window.

Come on, Angie!
You think she's skinny?

Isn't that Ricky's mom?

Don't tell me
Ernie's dating Tammy.

She's a mess.

Maybe it's not a date.
Ernie is Ricky's foster dad.

Maybe she's getting
her act together

so she can get custody
back.

I think she just took custody
of Ernie's tongue.

What the hell
is he doing

with that alcoholic,
shoplifting...

I hate her!

Hey, George.

Hey. Hey, Tammy.

Angie, look,
it's Tammy and Ernie.

Hey, George,
what are you guys doing here?

Max and Ricky
wanted to get a bite to eat.

What are you guys
doing?

We're on a date.

This might be a good time
to tell Ricky

that we're
seeing each other.

The boys are in back.

Walk slow so you can tell me
why this happened.

I mean how.

You didn't tell me
you were dating Ricky's mom.

Well, it's only been
a few weeks.

And I was afraid
that you wouldn't approve.

But, George,
she's straightening herself out.

She's being real good
to Ricky.

She's in a.A.
She's living clean.

And then there's the sex.

You're already
having sex?

Yeah.

And I'm not
blowing my own horn here, but...

According to her,

I'm "not the worst"
she's ever had.

George, you have to see
the bracelet

Ernie bought for Tammy.

Yo, big daddy.

You ain't got the cheddar

to be dropping that kind
of bling on your skeeze.

You're done playing
that pimp game.

If she wasn't
my top earner...

What?!

I love you. I respect you.
Let's move on.

Ernie's so generous.

One day it's a bracelet.

The next day
it's a computer.

I told him no more gifts.

So naughty.

Yes, a computer's
not that big a deal.

Are you kidding me?
It's a lifesaver.

Now when I get the urge
to drink,

I can distract myself
with a little online gambling.

Oh, she's really good,
George.

I gave her 200 bucks.
She turned it into $400.

I didn't get a chance
to tell you last night,

actually, we're down
a thousand.

And I didn't
want to wake you,

so I just
put it on your credit card.

Ehh?

But she's not drinking.

Listen,
you guys enjoy yourselves.

I-I'm gonna
go use the men's room.

Uh, m-me too.

Can you believe this?!

I don't know
what to think.

I do.

Tammy's gonna take
all the money she can.

She's gonna break his heart,
then she's gonna dump him.

You don't know that.

But even if she was,
what are you gonna do?

Tell Ernie
she's no good for him?

He'll hate you.

I'm not just gonna
sit by

and let my best friend
get involved with some skank.

I'm gonna get proactive.

Honey!

I never told you this,

but when we got married,

someone
in the wedding party

begged me
not to go through with it

because they said you would be
the biggest mistake of my life.

Yeah, yeah.

I remember your dad's toast
at the rehearsal dinner.

My dad was against it, too,
but it wasn't him.

I know who it was.

It was that
snotty little flower girl.

She walked
down the aisle

and threw Rose petals
at my face.

She said,
"choke on these."

No...

It was Linda Friedman.

Your maid of honor?

Angie,
I thought she liked me.

I-I told you that
to save your feelings.

She said you were gonna
ruin my life.

So I told her
she wasn't a real friend,

and I never wanted
to see her again.

Do you want that to happen
with Ernie?

No.

Then bite your tongue.

Because not a day goes by
that I don't miss Linda.

Wait a second, Angie.
She called you.

You're kidding. When?

Right after
Carmen was born.

She called 16 years ago,
and I'm finding out now?

Don't say it like that.

Look, I tried to tell you,
but you weren't talking to me.

Remember when we got home
from the hospital,

and I asked you
if it was too soon

for you to start doing
sit-ups?

Any other messages
you forgot to tell me about?

You know your brother
had another kid, right?

Yes...

Because I saw his picture
on their Christmas card.

Okay, then we're good.

* all my friends
know the low rider *

Carmen!

Bring down the trash before
the garbage truck gets here.

Carmen: I'll be down in a sec!
I'm putting on makeup!

What are you doing
in there?

It shouldn't take you an hour
to look good.

Half of my genes
come from you, dad.

This isn't easy.

Just get down here,
and bring the trash.

I'm sure
you look beautiful.

It took you an hour
to do that?

Why don't you
put the makeup on both hands

and rub it all around?

A pregnancy test?

What the hell?

Carmen!

Carmen!

What?
What happened?

Did you pee on this?

Don't lie to me.

Did...you pee...On this?

If-if-if I did,
I didn't mean to.

Is it yours?

No, this is
a pregnancy test, Carmen.

And it's got
a plus sign.

Are you pregnant?

When you gave me
the car,

I promised
I wasn't gonna have sex.

Why do you
keep asking me?

How come you never ask me
if I had a good day

or if I'm happy?

That's your mom's job.

It's my job
to keep the monkeys off you.

What?

Mom, are you pregnant?

Screw you!

The one day
I go without my control tops,

and I got to hear lip
from my kid.

If it's not you...

Oh, look at that.

The magic wand
that can make men disappear.

Congratulations,
daddy.

Angie!

What are you doing
with that?

Did you get that
out of the garbage?

Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh.

How could this happen,
Angie?

You tricked me.

Because your business
is struggling,

and you need something else
to make you feel important.

Sabes que,
you're devoid.

George, I'm not pregnant.

Oh, thank god.

You don't need a kid now that
your business is booming.

Tammy's pregnant.

Ernie's Tammy?

I had her over for lunch
yesterday.

And she confided in me
she was late.

She was really scared.

So we bought the test,
and she took it here.

Does Ernie know
she's pregnant?

She hasn't told him yet.

He's gonna be a dad,
Angie.

What is she waiting for?

Maybe
he's gonna be a dad.

The test is positive.

The test was,

but she's not.

There were a few guys
right before him.

And Ernie was the prize?

What kind of sideshow

must have been going on
in her bedroom?

I'm gonna tell him
everything.

I don't care
if he gets mad.

He needs to know
the truth

before he gets all excited
about having a baby.

Guess what, everybody!

I'm gonna be a dad!

Congratulations,
Tammy!

Ernie.

Steve, Joe,

bill, ed...

Yeah, whew.

Come on, Ernie.

I'm sure the ladies
want to talk about

the miracle of childbirth
and all that stuff.

Mom, you have two kids.
Show them the scars.

Isn't she just
the sweetest woman you ever saw?

Yeah, she's adorable.

Look, Ernie...

We've known each other
a long time,

and we've always had
each others' backs, right?

Yeah, man.
Hey, and we always will.

Remember that time
in 5th grade

when I wrote that song
for Sonya Garcia?

And you told me, "don't sing it
at the talent show,"

and I sang it anyways?

'Member? You 'member.
'Member?

* Sonya

* I'm tired of being
alone-ya *

* call you
on the phone-ya *

* take you home
and make you moan-ya *

Yeah.

And then, the next day,

she caught you
by the monkey bars at recess,

put you in a headlock,
and punched you in the face.

God, she smelled good!

The point is...

Sometimes you have to
listen to a friend,

even if he's telling you
something

that you might not
want to hear.

What are you getting at,
George?

Look, Ernie.

Are you sure
that this baby's yours?

What do you mean?

Of course it's mine.

Look, Angie was with Tammy
when she took the test,

and Tammy
didn't seem so sure

she knew
who the father was.

No, that's impossible.

We've been together every night
since we started dating.

Maybe something happened
right before that.

I can't believe
you're trying to do this to me.

I'm just telling you
the truth.

No!

No, see, I knew you were
gonna be all judgmental.

That's why I didn't tell you
I was with Tammy

in the first place!

Not everybody lucks out and
gets to marry the cheerleader!

I'm looking out for you.

You always think
you know what's best for me.

Like i'm
some sort of idiot.

You know what?
I make my own decisions.

And if you can't respect that,
then you're not my friend.

Is everything okay?

Tammy, honey.

I know this is gonna
sound stupid,

but George
doesn't believe in us.

I just want to
prove him wrong.

There's no question
this baby's mine, right?

What did you tell him?

I told him the truth.

I think he needs to know

before he shows up
in the delivery room

and there's four other guys
there with camcorders.

Tammy, just tell me.

Is it possible
this is another guy's baby?

I can't believe
you're asking me this.

Next time you get the urge
to look out for me...

Why don't you just
keep your mouth shut?

They always pick the wh*re.

The truth hurts,
don't it?

I love this thing
so much.

It drives everybody
so crazy.

How you doin'?

Angie, Ernie hasn't returned
any of my calls.

Honey, you said what you felt
you needed to say.

But give him some time.
He'll come around.

You know,
I'm still your best friend.

So...

What are we watching,
buddy?

Women's
beach volleyball.

Mm. Who's winning?

I am every time
they go to the sand-cam.

Oh, I get it.

That tall blonde --
she's a hottie.

I like it
when she jumps.

Jump again.

That's the way
daddy likes it.

Come on, Angie, don't.

Pull my finger.

What do you think
Ernie and I do together?

Ernie's
in the kitchen.
Really?

He wants to see you.

What's going on
with dad and Ernie?

It's kind of a long story.
They're going through something.

But I think
everything's gonna be okay.

Now pull my finger.

Why?

Just do it.

Hey.

Hey.

So you were right.

Tammy went to the doctor,

and it turns out

she's too far along
for it to be my baby.

I'm sorry, Ernie.

You would've made
a great dad.

I hope Tammy
lands on her feet.

But let's be serious, dude.
You dodged a b*llet there.

Settling down with her
would have been like

eating somebody's sandwich
out of a dumpster

or buying a bad used car.

I'm gonna marry her.

Okay, the dumpster thing
was a bit harsh.

But I'm sticking to
the "used car" thing.

Ernie, come on. She's got
a lot of hard miles on her.

Those are
rent-a-car miles.

Don't talk about her
that way.

I don't care
if the baby's not mine.

I'll raise it
like my own.

Dude, I think you're making
a huge mistake.

George, I know
Tammy's got problems.

But I can help her.

And I love Ricky.

I got a shot at
making a family, here.

Look,
I know you want a family,

but I haven't heard you say once
that you loved her.

I'm gonna marry her.

George,
you're my best friend.

And I want you to be
my best man.

But if you
can't accept her,

and find
something good to say,

then you and I
are through.

Her teeth
are surprisingly white

for someone who smoked and drank
as much as she did.

Thank you.

You want to come in and watch
some women's volleyball?

It's cold at the beach,

and they're playing
through a light rain.

Hey, I'd love to,
but I can't.

I got to take Tammy
to the bank.

They froze
her checking account,

but she had
a great idea.

We're gonna get her an atm card
on my account.

That way she doesn't have to
bother me

every time
she needs money.

Thoughtful...

White teeth...

She can pee
on a little stick.

Man, my wedding toast
is gonna write itself.

Hey...

Don't forget to mention

that she's really good
with my parents.

She's helping them
rewrite their will.

You know, Ernie, I usually don't
get emotional at weddings,

but I know when I'm talking
about your future with Tammy...

I'm gonna be
the one crying.