04x05 - Leave It to Lopez

[bunniefuu]

Hey, grandma.
Check out my blade.

Isn't that cute?

I've got a g*n now,

but it seems like only yesterday
I was sleeping with a knife.

Morning, grandma.
Morning, dork.

Hey!

I told you
not to call me that!

Oh!

Ugh!

Lame.

You don't think
it's gonna scare dad?

No.

It's almost Halloween.
He knows it's coming.

If you really
want to scare him,

go upstairs and pretend
to stab him while he's sleeping.

That's how I got him
to stop sucking his thumb.

Of course, that was
right around the time

he started wetting the bed.

Shhh.

Your mom's sleeping.

Mom, what have I told you about
bringing psychics to the house?

George...

The lottery's up
to $250 million.

Clara's gonna help me
pick the winning numbers.

All right, Clara.

What do
the chicken bones say?

Hold on.

The bones are channeling
through me, mom.

I can see what they see.

I'm on a plate,
covered in hot sauce.

I'm being carried by a waitress
in sexy orange shorts.

Oh, no, mom, there's an owl
with big booby eyes.

And I can't get away,
but I'm okay with that.

Shh.

It's coming.

I see...

Three.

Good, good, what's
the next number?

Wait, now, I see...

Death.

Death will visit you,
Benny.

Visit? Come on, death,
take her.

Wrap her up in a foil swan
and feed her to your dog.

It's clear now.

Death will touch you
three times

before
all hallow's Eve.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I forgot I changed the ringer
on my cellphone for Halloween.

Hello?

Bill?

Oh, that's terrible.
I'll be right down.

Who was that?

Work.

Bill the janitor's dead.

I had lunch with him
yesterday.

One down, two to go.

This is on the house,

because I just want to get
the hell away from you.

Dad, there's no such thing
as a curse, right?

No, honey, it's just
a sad coincidence.

Don't lie to her, George.

She could be next.
Or you.

Or any one of us
in this room.

Benny!

You're scaring the kids.
I'm not scared.

Oh, I'm sorry, I changed
Carmen's cell ringer too.

* all my friends
know the low rider *

Mom, what are you doing?

Praying. I don't want
the curse to get me.

Mom, those aren't
even rosary beads.

Those are from
the mardi gras.

They were lucky
for me there.

What's all this?

It's a memorial
to bill the janitor.

This is
where it happened.

He just keeled over
right here on your desk.

He died on my desk?

Yeah.

That would've
been bill's job.

Come on, Ernie, let's get
this stuff off my desk.

This stuff creeps me out.

Why don't we honor bill

by moving the
memorial to the bathroom?

We could use a candle
in there.

Yeah, about that --
one of the stalls is backed up,

so until we get
a new janitor...

Okay.

Hey, Ernie.

Shut up.

George, I just talked to
bill's widow. She's a wreck.

Can you believe
he didn't have life insurance?

Yeah, that's terrible.

Oh...

Here's something
for bill's memorial.

Well, bill...

Back in the day, we had some fun
at mardi gras, didn't we?

Here's one more
for old-time's sake.

Mom!

Look, he's dead.
He's suffered enough.

How does
the company get away

with giving management life
insurance, but not the workers?

Look, honey, now's
not the time.

Wait, what are you
talking about?

They don't give
anybody here life insurance.

What?

We're lucky to get
health insurance

with the way fingers and toes
go flying out of here.

Do we or don't we
have life insurance?

We have everything we need.
We're very fortunate.

I can't believe
you lied to me.

Don't you see
how selfish you're being?

If something happened to
you, the kids and I don't
have enough money to live.

Angie, if I die
within the next five years,

you got a pretty good chance
of remarrying up.

How can you say that?

Right, I'm sorry.

Stay out of the sun,
make it seven years.

Obviously we can't talk,
because you look good,

but you're not in a place
where you can take a compliment.

You can have as much
ice cream as you want

once you have
life insurance.

You're still
mad about that?

I don't know what crazy thing
is going on inside your head,

but when you're ready
to talk about it,

knock on the bedroom door
and maybe I'll unlock it.

Yeah, right.

If I knock
on that door...

Okay.

Hey, whatcha watching?

"Divorce court."

Give me that.

Why don't people
talk about their problems

before they get married?

Some people don't want
to face their problems

and try to avoid them
any way they can.

So what's up
with you and mom?

Oh, look,
"leave it to beaver."

I hate these old shows.

Hey, when I was growing up,

my dad wasn't around,
my mom was always working.

These shows were like
my family.

"The munsters,"
"the jetsons" --

I used to pretend
they loved me.

And you're the guy
I'm supposed to look up to, huh?

One of these days, Max,
one of these days...

Pow, zoom,
straight to the moon!

Up your nose
with a rubber hose.

Oh, kiss my grits.

It's not my job, man.

Go to bed.

Max...

Good night, you big dummy.

I don't know
what you're saying!

Well, June,
I'm off to work.

Hurry up, beaver, you don't
want to be late for school.

Ward, after work,

would it k*ll you to stop by
Ted binkley's

and talk to him
about life insurance?

June, less talking,
more juicing.

But, ward --

end of discussion.

One more peep out of you

and I'm going to have
to take a tone.

Now, where is
that beaver?

Theodore...

Why aren't you
dressed for school?

I'm feeling pretty crummy,
dad.

Maybe you should stay home
and take care of me and stuff.



That's quite a fever.

Yeah, I might have polio
or rabies or some junk.

Beaver, what is this
all about?

Well, if I'm sick,
maybe you'll stay home.

That way you won't
die from the curse

and we won't end up living
like bums and hobos...

And stuff.

Beaver, I'm not going to die.

I eat red meat three times a
day, and I smoke like a chimney,

just like Dr. Jenkins
told me to.

What about accidents,
ward?

June...

Ward, I think the beave
deserves an answer

as to why
you won't get life insurance.

What's the real reason?

Well, it's certainly not

because I have such
an overwhelming fear of death

that the very mention
of the word

makes it hard for me
to br-eathe.

Ward, I think
we've found our reason.

You know, June...

You're right.

I sure didn't expect the answer
to come from you.

You're almost smart enough
to be a secretary.

As soon
as I get to work,

I'm gonna order up a policy
from our insurance agent,

because, sabes que,

I take care of my family
y todo.

I think you've made
the right decision, ward.

I think someone's pushing
their beds together tonight.

Oh, the Johansens are trying
for another boy?

órale.

Well, it looks like
everything turned out okay,

like it always does,
huh, mom?

Not yet, beave.

Your father doesn't realize

he needs to get a physical
to get insurance,

and you know how afraid he is
of doctors.

Oh, man, why can't dad
be a man's man,

like rock Hudson
or liberace?

All right, I just talked
to Ted binkley

and the doctor
is on his way over.

All your father needs to do
to get life insurance

is pass the physical.

Now, Marilyn, remember,

your uncle Herman
is very afraid of doctors.

So we're going to have
to fool him.

You know what to do,
right?

Yes, aunt Lily.

What am I supposed to do?

Why don't you
take your bat

and go play ball
in the backyard, dear?

Okay,
come on, Igor.

George:
I'll get it.

Wait. That's Marilyn's
new boyfriend,

but there's something
you should know.

He's a little older and the poor
man thinks he's a doctor.

Eh, with Marilyn's looks,
you can't be too choosy.

Please be nice to him,
uncle Herman.

This is
very important to me.

Eh, don't worry, Marilyn,

I'll just turn on
the old munster charm.

Hello, I'm Dr. Wilson.

Of course you are.

Please, come in.

I'm so sorry
about the squinting.

I'm afraid I left
my glasses in the cab.

I can't see a thing.

Oh, what a shame, because
Marilyn is very attractive.

Why don't we get started?
Let's have a look at that chest.

Eh, shouldn't you at least
take her to dinner first?

Herman, I think he wants
to perform a physical on you.

Oh, that's right, Lily.
He is a doctor.

Marilyn, why don't you
finish getting ready

while Herman and I
get to know Dr. Wilson.

Dr. Wilson: Wow.

Your heart sounds
as healthy as a horse's.

Eh, it should.

It won the Kentucky derby.

Why don't you sit down,
Mr. Munster?

I want to check
your reflexes.

Ooh, found it.

Lily!

Here's the potion

to keep Herman calm
in case he figures out

it's a real doctor here
for the life insurance.

Ah-ha!

This is
a real physical?

No, no, no, no, no!

Pussycat!

Pussycat, they won't
give you life insurance

without a physical.

This is what stopped me
from getting life insurance
in the first place.

Eh, what if they find
something wrong with me?

I don't want to die.

Why are you
so afraid of death?

Because that old bat
told me my father died young,

so I'm afraid
that I'm gonna die young.

Eh, I don't want
to do this anymore, Lily.

You don't have to.

What?

You passed.

Goodie, goodie, goodie,
goodie, goodie, goodie, goodie!

Eh, so that's it?
I'm insured?

No, the policy will not
kick in for 24 hours.

But there shouldn't be
a problem, unless you're cursed.

Oh, here they are.

It's always the last place
that you -- whoa!

Whoa-oh!

Quick, grandpa, give him
your calming potion.

Oh-oh! Whoa!

Um, h-he's dead.

Yes, but so calm.

Grandpa, you k*lled
the insurance doctor.

I didn't k*ll him.

It was the curse.

That's two.

That means
one more person will die

before
Halloween tomorrow.

And you don't
have life insurance!

Why can't the kids
pick up their things?

A woman's work is never done.

Whew.

Oh, my gosh.

George is gonna be here
any minute.

Judy! Elroy!

Yes, mom?

Your father's
almost home.

Where's Rosie?

I'm here, Mrs. "j."

I was just watching
my soap opera,

"the young
and the rustless."

Ha-ha.
Ha-ha.

All right, everybody,

we're gonna cheer
your father up

because he's worried
about the curse.

And his insurance doesn't
take effect for another hour.

He's here!
Places, everyone.

How was your day, dear?

Terrible!

I couldn't get home fast enough.
It was a nightmare.

I felt like I was flying by the
same background over and over.

Well, you made it home
safe and sound,

so just try to relax.

I can't relax. This curse
has got me so scared

I hid under my desk all day
until I heard that voice.

Jetson!

Yeah, just like that.

No, I'm right behind you.

Oh, Mr. Spacely!

Don't come in
until this curse is lifted.

Too many accidents
at work today.

You're a jinx,
I tell you.

A jinx, jetson.
A jinx!

But, sir, the curse
will be over in an hour.

Oh, well, then,
I'll see you tomorrow.

I'll be late because
I'm going to the opening

of "star wars: Episode 23."

I hear the effects
are amazing,

but the story's
a little weak.

Why don't you
read your paper

and take your mind
off things, dear?

Oh...

"Latinos are now 85%
of the population."

Huh, we're down 5%.

I'm too nervous to read.

I'm just gonna
lock myself in the bedroom

for the next hour
to be safe,

right after I put this
in the vacu-shredder.

Be careful, George.

The suction man was here today
and he turned up --

Jane, get me out
of this crazy thing!

Hold on, George.

You can't die now, dad!
We'll be poor!

Pull him back, mom!
Who'll take care of us?

I'm going to have
to remarry.

If I'd only gotten
life insurance sooner!

Jane...
If it's not too soon,

I'm available.

George, wake up.

George!

I forbid you
from marrying Mr. Spacely!

What?

Oh, it was a dream.

What are you
talking about?

Oh, baby, I'm sorry.

I was dealing with
something from my childhood.

But that doesn't matter now

because I'm going to get
life insurance tomorrow.

Thank you.

Now come to bed.

And, um, since
you're not insured,

just take it easy and
let me handle things.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!
Hey, hey!