04x04 - Home Sweet Homeschool

[bunniefuu]

Max, honey, help me zip up
my wedding dress.

Why are you
trying it on now?

You and dad aren't renewing
your vows for another month.

I'm trying it on once a week

to remind myself not to eat
anything that tastes good.

Breakfast tasted
real good.

Now, try this on so I can see
if the flowers are even.

All right,
I get the message.

We'll spend
more time together.

Mom put it on me.

I thought you left
for work.

I forgot some files.

What are you
doing back there?

I don't want you to see me
in my wedding dress.

Come on, Angie,
let me see.

No, stop it.
It's bad luck.

Fine. If you're not leaving,
I'm taking it off.

That'll show me.

Hey, kids,
stay in your rooms!

Your mom's gonna teach me
a lesson.

George, let's go.

Oh, oh, oh.

Ernie!

Oh, I'm sorry, Angie.

I didn't see anything...

That I'm gonna remember
the rest of my life.

It's all right, dude.
It happens.

Someday you're
going to get married.

I'm gonna look
at your wife naked.

Go ahead and do it, George,

but mine's not gonna look
anything like that.

Mom? Phone.

Dad, I need a ride to allendale
so I can register.

Can't I just write
a check for the $14,000,

then go in the garage and
cry like I did last year?

No, I missed regular
registration when I ran away,

so you and mom have
to back me up

when I tell them
I was sick.

You know, Carmen, we lie
to each other all the time,

but lying together
as a family...

That's nice.

Why aren't you hiding?

I thought I wasn't supposed
to see you in the dress.

It doesn't matter now.

Lamarie went under.

I just lost my job.

Baby, I'm sorry.

What am I gonna do?

You'll find
another job, huh?

I've been there.
I've been out of work.

Remember we had to almost
Carmen's quincenera?

What do you say to me every time
I have a big setback?

A door may have closed,

but a window's
just opened with sunlight.

Am I really that annoying?

Let's not go there
while you're down.

Look, Angie...

You're young, you're smart,
you're getting married --

you've got
your whole life ahead of you.

We can't renew our vows now.

We should postpone the wedding
until I get another job.

You saw me in my dress
before I hid, didn't you?

That's when
the bad luck started.

Yeah, I ruined
our run of good luck --

with our dyslexic son,
our runaway daughter,

and my mother
who shows no sign

of aging or disease
whatsoever.

Holy cow.

Where did that come from?

Angie, I see
a window opening.

It's getting wider.

* all my friends
know the low rider *

Oh, hi,
assistant principal caplan?

We're here to register
Carmen for the year.

Oh, right.
Let me grab your file.

Ohh.

Hmm.

You need to talk
to principal borden.

She'll be
back on Friday.

Wait. Talk about what?
What's in that file?

Is something wrong?

Yes, but I'm not
allowed to tell you.

Why not?
You're the assistant principal.

Apparently I don't have
the people skills

it would take to tell you

that your daughter's
been kicked out of allendale.

Oh, there I go
being all abrupt again.

This has got to be
a mistake.

Since the cat's
out of the bag...

Uniform violations -- six,
t*rd -- eight,

public displays
of affection -- 32.

Well, that can be explained.

She used to date
Jason macnamara.

He's very hot.

Quarterback,
brown hair, sea-foam eyes.

Dad!

You got to look close, Carmen,
otherwise they just look green.

Listen, Janet,
you cannot punish Carmen

just because she got sick
and missed her finals.

Did she catch a cold

when she ran off to
San Francisco with her boyfriend

and hung out with rappers?

You know what?
This is insulting.

My daughter was sick,
end of the story.

Have you seen this runaway?

Okay, here's the truth.

And it's hard
for a parent to say...

But my lamb ran away...

Because she has deep
emotional scars internally.

It's no reason

to kick her out of school.

There's something else
in that file, isn't there?

She appeared
in a chingy video

having a pillow fight
on a waterbed.

I didn't get cut out!

Okay, stand behind me, and,
shh!

Mr. and Mrs. Lopez, we have
a long waiting list of students

who don't lie, run away,
and miss their finals.

I think we can all probably
agree that Carmen and allendale

are not such a great match.

Perhaps you should try
public school again.

No. Uh, no.

I -- I can't go back
to public school.

They called me a wh*re.

Before you made the video?

You know what?
Forget it.

We don't need
this school.

May I suggest St. Theresa's?

They take the hard cases,
and they still hit.

No. Dad, no way.

That's an all-girls school.
You know how girls hate me.

Carmen, you just got forced
out of public school.

You got kicked out
of private school.

You're running out
of options.

I can't go
to catholic school.

What's left?

Homeschooling.

Mom could teach me.

Why should your mom
be punished?

George, I do have time now
since I'm not working,

and this is a crucial year
for Carmen

if she wants
to get into college.

Homeschooling --
that's a big commitment.

You know that special moment
every morning

when Carmen finally
leaves for school,

and you say,
"thank god, she's gone!"

Dad....

I promise I'll work
really, really hard.

You've said
that before.

It'd save us $14,000.

Well, if it's that important
to the both of you...

Hey, guess what.

My daughter's
just been accepted

to the most exclusive school
in L.A.

That's right.

Lopez high...

Country day academy.

My daughter's gonna be
the class president,

valedictorian, prom queen --

all the things she can't be
with those other kids around.

Wow, you've been busy.

I got a start-up kit
on the Internet.

This is all the course work

that Carmen needs
for her junior year.

And I'm in
an online bidding w*r

with a mormon mother of seven
for an overhead projector.

Wow, it's starting to look
like a real school in here.

All you need
is a bully outside smoking --

here he comes.

Come on.
We're gonna be late.

Hey, what
is all this stuff?

Angie's homeschooling
Carmen, mom.

Oh.

So the out-of-work
makeup saleswoman

is gonna teach
your daughter?

At least she's part
of her kid's education.

You wouldn't even help me
with my homework.

That's because it took forever
for you to read one page.

I was dyslexic!

Excuses.

George, I did
the alphabet backwards

with the cop's flashlight
in my eyes.

And you could not even
figure out

that frog and toad
were friends.

Jeez!

Carmen,
you just made it.

Have a seat.
It's time to start school.

Oh, come on, mom.

We don't need
to start this early.

Most teachers
have 30 students,

and that means we only need


You can teach me how to figure
that out after lunch. Bye-bye.

Ah, ah, ah.
Carmen.

When I ring this bell...

...i am not your mom.

I am your teacher.

Now sit down.

Okay.

We've got
English, history, lunch.

Algebra ii, chemistry --

then if the delivery guy gets
here with our plastic flutes --

music class.

You can't be serious.

This is gonna be
like real school.

Well, uh,
if you don't like it,

there's always
St. Theresa's.

We've been waiting
for you, my child.

Wa-cha!

Well, I'm off
to real school,

where no one
can force me to learn.

See you, sucker.

Hey, we can homeschool
you, too. Huh?

How'd you like to go the prom
in the garage with your sister?

Are you kidding?

She's the kind of girl
you meet after prom

when you drop
your real date off.

Ohh!

Okay, I've been teaching you
for 2 weeks

at 7 1/2 hours a day.

If I teach you for 52 weeks,

by the end of the year,
what will you have learned?

I've learned
that good people can snap,

and children should not
be tried as adults.

Miss Lopez, are we bucking
for a second detention?

No, Mrs. Lopez.

Can dad just teach me now?

I really want to know
how business works.

Okay, she's yours.

But after your dad's
lunch hour, I'll pick you up,

and we can continue
with our French lesson.

Now, class...

The assembly line
hasn't changed much

since Henry Ford first
started to mass-produce --

dad, I could care less.

I just wanted
to get away from mom.

What?

Hey, I spent three hours
on the Internet

learning about production,
manufacturing,

and industrial innovation.

What am I gonna do
with this crap now?

Dad, she's driving me crazy.

I mean, she's turning
everything into a lesson.

She wouldn't even let me
use the bathroom

until I asked her in French.

I almost had
a le petite accident

right in front of the fridge!

Look, Carmen,
are you learning?

Yes, but --

that's what's important.

All right,
this is your education.

If your mom's going
a little overboard,

it's because she
just lost her job,

the wedding's been postponed,

and she's got
nothing else to focus on.

So cut her some slack.

This may come
as a surprise to you,

but your mother
looks at you children

as her greatest achievement.

So, what are we to you?

You're definitely
in the top five.

But if I ever chip one in
from the trap, you're out!

Pencils down.

Okay, time for chemistry.

I'll meet you in the lab.

Good afternoon,
miss Lopez.

Today we're studying
chemical reactions.

I'm dropping antacid tablets
into these glasses of water --

each a different temperature.

You can't drink
the experiment.

I'm sorry,
but my stomach hurts

because the lunch lady
made crappy meatloaf.

That's it.
Pop quiz.

Name elements 1 through 20
on the periodic table

according to weight.

That's not fair.

Tell it to the chicken.

Hey, how'd
the homeschooling go today?

Horrible.

I'm not gonna lie.

I had two glasses of chardonnay
while she was taking a test.

That's the only reason
she's not dead.

Maybe you need
a little break.

I could give Carmen
an auto-shop lesson at my house.

Mom, you're not going
to use Carmen

to siphon gas out
of the neighbor's car again.

The garcias
have a big r.V.

They never go anywhere.

That's 'cause
they don't have the gas!

Carmen, you're supposed
to be taking a quiz.

You can't go
on the computer now.

But Kevin just sent me
a text message

and told me
to check my e-mail.

No, you could be looking up
the answers.

What?

You're accusing me
of cheating now?

You know what?

This is hell!

I can't take
this anymore!

There's no breaks,
there's no one to talk to.

It's just you all day!

Have you ever spent
eight hours with yourself?

No wonder dad
hides in the garage.

Yeah, I go out there
to build things.

It doesn't take three years
to build a birdhouse.

It does if you're doing it
southern-plantation style.

Carmen, I'm being tough on you
for your own good.

Oh, no, you're not.

This isn't even
about me.

You've got no job,
no wedding to plan anymore.

Dad was right.

You've got nothing else
in your life.

Angie, that's
not exactly what I said.

Angie!

You just hurt the one person
willing to give up her time

to help you make
something of your life.

But she --
I don't want
to hear it.

I want you to go to the garage
and build me a birdhouse

that looks like
it took me three years.

You okay to talk now?

Hey, what are you
doing out here?

Same thing I've done
with my life --

nothing.

Actually, that's not true.

I'm oxidizing my cells.

According to Carmen's biology
book, every breath I take,

I'm creating free radicals
in my system

that will slowly k*ll me.

There, a little closer.

Look, Angie,
I want to apologize.

I never said you had nothing
going on in your life.

Carmen twisted
my words around.

Don't apologize.
She's right.

I got nothing...

No job, half-planned wedding,
my kids barely need me.

I can't even homeschool
our daughter.

But that's not your fault.

Professional teachers
couldn't reach Carmen.

They're thinking
about changing the slogan

from "no child gets left behind"
to "she's not looking, run!"

Well, we better find
some other way

'cause if I keep
teaching Carmen,

it's gonna ruin
our relationship.

Our daughter's
a moody, emotional brat.

I never thought I would
actually hear you say that.

Now we're on the same page.

But you still have faith
in the boy, though, right?

Of course I do.

Yeah, me too.
Very talented.

But this started
way before Carmen.

Look at all the great stuff
I did in high school --

honor roll,
national merit scholar...

...president
of the French club.

Boy, Angie,
when you married me,

you got on that elevator and
you pressed down, didn't you?

No, shh!

Don't you ever say that.

I don't regret marrying you
and having a family.

I regret what I didn't do.

I could have gone to college
and gotten my mba.

I remember talking
in high school

like I was gonna take
the world by storm --

own my own business,
become a millionaire.

You're gonna beat yourself up
about this again?

Look, Angie, at the time,

bottled water
seemed like a stupid idea.

Dad, where's mom?

She's still sleeping.

Hey, Carmen...

There's something
that we need to talk about.

I know.

I want to apologize.

I've got
to change my attitude.

I've got to work harder,
and I've got to pay attention.

Good, maybe that'll keep
the nuns from beating you

like a Tom-Tom
at catholic school.

No, dad,
please don't make me go.

I can't go to catholic --
mom!

Mom, I promise I'll
never do anything again.

Just please don't make me go.

Sorry.

That's right.

God's your new principal.

And I wouldn't mouth off
to him.

The israelites --

they were wandering
the desert for 40 years.

That was detention.

Honey, come with me.

I want you to see this.

Why are we going
to the garage?

We're not going
to the garage.

We are going to...

Your new home office!

George, I love
that you did this for me.

Ange,
it's not done yet.

But when I'm finished,
it's gonna be amazing.

Now all you have to do
is decide on a career.

Angie Lopez...

What do you want to be
for the rest of your life?

I don't know.

Oh, hey,
your phone's ringing.

Angie Lopez's office.

Yeah, she's here.

And she'd love to help you

because she's
in the business of...

Hold, please.

Oh, look, Angie.
Line two.

Angie Lopez.
Hold, please. Oh, my god.

Angie Lopez.
Hold, please.

Yeah, she's here.

And she'd love to help you with
her incredible supply of...

Service of...

Hand-dipped?

Honey, I love that you did
all of this for me.

I just -- I just need
some time to think.

Angie, don't think.
Go with your gut.

What's the first thing
that comes into your head?

Oh, god, no,
the wedding --

I forgot to call the florist
and cancel the calla lilies.

Forget about
all that wedding crap.

In the scheme of life,

wedding details
mean absolutely nothing.

I hate them!

I got it.

I want to be
a wedding planner.

I'll support you 100%.

No, no.

I mean it.
I mean, I'm really good at it.

I have a mind for details.
I love organizing things.

I could do this.

Then, baby, do it.
All right?

Just promise me one thing.

When your business takes off
and you make it,

that I can quit work

and lounge around the house
in my sweats all day.

Is that what you think
I was doing?

Hey, dad.
Wanna play catch?

Later.

Later, when?

I don't know.
Later, later.

I'm not 6 anymore.

I know that "later, later"
means never.

Good boy.
Why don't you go...Color?

Fine.

You ready
for some football, Max?

Yeah!

Good boy, go deep!

Wa-cha!