02x20 - Girls Night Out

[bunniefuu]

Everybody, I have a surprise!

Angie Lopez is proud to present

the San Fernando valley´s
newest treetop ranger...

Max Lopez!

George: All right, Max!

You´re a sapling.
Congratulations!

Are you happy now, dad?

Yes.

Look, I loved
being a treetop ranger,

and you´re gonna love it, too.

You get to be outdoors, and
you learn all kinds of things.

Your dad´s right.

The treetop rangers
made me the man I am today.

What are you doing?
I´m trying to convince him.

I hate this.
I look stupid.

Maybe it´s the hat.
Take it off.

No, that´s not it.

Hey, Marisol!

What the hell´s
going on with you?

I wake up, and your stuff´s
moved out of the house?

Are you trying to be funny?

I left you, fool!

Now get out of here before
you get me in trouble.

You´re already
in trouble.

Yo, junior!
Hands off.

Don´t mess with me,
Holmes.

"Holmes"?

You heard me, ese.

Look, it´s Casper,
the friendly chicano.

What are you, brother,
besides confused?

This ain´t about you.

This is between
me and my lady.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
hey, hey, hey!

This ain´t the free clinic.

You just can´t come in here

and start fighting
with "your lady."

Guys, show "slim shady"
to the door.

Where you gonna go,
lupe´s house?

I´ll find you.

You gonna go didi´s place?
I´ll find you.

I love you!
You can´t hide from me!

I love you!

Young love...

Young, angry, violent love...

Takes me back.
Ooh!

Okay, everybody go
back to work, all right?

There´s nothing to see.

Marisol, are you okay?

Yeah.

Do you have
a safe place to stay tonight?

I don´t know.

I´ll stay in my car
if I have to.

You go, girl!

George --

no!

You don´t even know
what i´m gonna say!

Yes, I do.
I know that face.

You want to help someone,
and it makes me sick.

We could make room.
It´s only temporary.

We got her out of the gangs
and gave her a job.

I don´t want her
in the house!

It´s not enough.

If we don´t help her
right now,

she could get sucked
back into that life.

Do you want that
on your conscience?

You´re the one
with the conscience.

I´m the one
with the offbeat good looks

who talks his way
out of tight jams.

George, come on!

She needs a safe place
where junior can´t find her.

And when someone´s in need,
we help them.

You said so yourself --
that´s the Lopez way.

Did I say that?
Mm-hmm.

All right!

But when I said that,

I was just trying
to, you know...

[ Whistles ]

So you just say things
to get me to...

[ Whistles ]

No, sometimes
I buy you things.

[ Intro to w*r´s "low rider"
plays ]

♫ all my friends
know the low rider ♫

♫ the low rider
is a little higher ♫

[ Door opens ]

Hey, treetop ranger!

How was
your first meeting?

Great.

Hey, honey, you hungry?
I made some veggie burgers.

No way.

Vegetarians
are left-wing nut jobs.

They undermine
the beef industry

and put a lot of good,
hard-working Americans

out on their butts.

What?!

That´s what my head ranger,
Mr. Dugan, says.

What are they teaching you
over there?

You´re supposed to be
learning about wood carving.

Wood carving?

Ha!

Try to get a piece of lumber
nowadays,

with all these
liberal tree-huggers.

Benny:
You know what I hate?

You can´t smoke
in restaurants,

but a mother
can pull out her "chi-chis"

to feed a baby.

Can I get a g*n permit?

Dude, you still got
cartoons on your underwear.

No.

George, I don´t want him
hearing these kind of things.

I´m gonna have
the next meeting

here at this house

so we can check
this dugan guy out.

And no g*ns!

This family doesn´t believe
in g*ns in the home.

What is the big deal?

We had a g*n in the house
when you were a kid.

What are you talking about?

You remember Harriet?

Harriet?!

I thought
she was a friend of yours.

You mean all those times
you´d say,

"Harriet and I
are going shopping,"

and "Harriet and I
are going on a date,"

and "Harriet and I
were loaded last night"...

You were talking
about a g*n?!

Relax.
Harriet´s gone.

I threw her
off the hoover dam.

Case closed.

But why did you --

case...closed.

[ Knocking ]

Hey!
Look, it´s, uh, Marisol.

I´ll get it.

Come on in, Marisol.
I´m glad you´re here.

Heh! You´re kidding
with the wallpaper, right?

Okay, first,
you´re lucky to be here.

George!

No, Angie,
i´m not gonna baby her.

This is our house,
and there are rules.

Number one --
say thank you to Angie.

I don´t have to say
thank you.

I got her this.

Oh!

Hey, that´s ernie´s mug
from work.

He gave it to me
´cause I told him

i´d meet him for drinks
at 7:00.

It´s 7:00 right now.

I know, huh?

Number two --

I don´t want you setting
a bad example for my kids.

So no cussing
and no drinking.

And no looting after
a bad verdict on court TV.

Where am I sleeping?

On the couch!

No, she´s not.

Okay, then, why don´t we
just put some newspaper

down here in the kitchen?

She´s staying
in carmen´s room.

I´m making up
the trundle bed.

I´ll get the rest
of the things from my car.

I don´t want her
in my room!

Carmen, be nice to her.

She´s going
through a rough time.

Dad, i´m starting
a new school next week,

and I have 50 books to read!

I don´t want someone
bothering me.

She´s staying with you.

No!
It´s my room.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

First of all,
it´s my room.

They´re all my rooms.

Technically,
you and the little boy

are just squatters.

Hey, what´s going on
with you?

You´ve been
freaking out all week.

I´m worried
about allendale.

What if it´s like
my old school?

What if no one likes me?

Carmen, honey,
you´re worrying for nothing.

It´s not gonna be
like that.

What are you staring at?

Well, it´s just
that your eye ends here,

but your eye makeup
goes way over here.

At least I got a reason
to put makeup on.

I leave the house.

All you´ve done for the
last three days is read.

Stupid reader.

I have to study
for allendale.

Were you ever picked on
in high school?

Please!
Nobody screwed with me...

Either year.

Well, I had to leave
my old high school

´cause I was getting
picked on by some girls.

I could see that.

You got that innocent look
you just want to...Mess with.

So...

What do you do to keep people
from messing with you?

Get out of my face!

Sorry!

No, that´s what I do.

Could you teach me
how to be that way?

I guess I can mentor you.

If you think
you can handle it,

come with me
to the club tonight.

But i´m only 14.

When I was 14,

I had already been 18
for 2 years.

[ Knock on door ]

Just a heads-up --
the backyard´s off-limits.

I´m gonna have seven little
treetop rangers out there.

Oh, that´s okay.

We´re gonna go
see a movie anyway.

Wait a second.
You two are hanging out?

I got a car...
And she needs a break.

I don´t want you getting Carmen
in any trouble, okay?

No sneaking into movies
and no r-rated films.

I promise you --
none of that´s gonna happen.

Good.
What are you gonna go see?

Well, uh, it´s a chick flick

about three generations of
women that struggle against --

got it!
[ Whistles ]

[ Door closes ]

Dugan: All right, saplings.

Let´s get tonight´s meeting
started

with our treetop ranger chant.

Ooh, ooh!
I think I remember this.

Uh...

My roots run deep,
my branches wide,

I shout through the forest
with treetop pride...

Who -- who -- who´s
a mighty ranger?

I am!

Actually,
we shortened that in ´84.

Kids?

All: Rangers rule!

Who...
Who feels like an idiot?

All right, saplings,

tonight we´re here to talk about
the camping experience.

Now, when you´re out
in the woods,

you want to keep all the trash
away from your campsite.

It attracts animals.

What if there are cans
and stuff?

Are there recycling bins?

Probably --
those damn eco-nuts

are undermining
the aluminum industry

and putting a lot
of good, hard-working Americans

out on their butts!

Remember, you want to keep your
trash in a locked receptacle.

What´s that all about --
"eco-nuts"?

Oh, i´m not
just about skills.

I like to impart values, too.

Now, this is important
to learn, kids,

because you´re gonna
have to go out

and live in the woods someday,
on your own,

when the government comes
to take our g*ns away.

Dugan, dude, these are kids!

If you want to talk
about g*ns,

do it while you´re
patrolling your compound

on your riding mower.

Stick to the guidebook.

Okay, your house,
your rules.

How´s this?

"How to identify
dangerous animals."

Is that acceptable?

Yes, that´s great.
Thank you.

Okay, good.

Saplings, there are many, many
dangerous animals

out there in the woods,

but you can identify them
by their markings

and their behavior...

Just like people.

Where you going
with this, dugan?

Stop, George.

I am right as rain
on this one.

Okay, what kind of people,
and how can you tell?

Let´s say i´m a cop.

Who am I gonna pull over --

the perky, little blonde
in the cabriolet

or some Mexican
in one of those bouncy cars?

You -- you know
that i´m Mexican, right?

Oh, no, not you!
Jeez!

You guys are so sensitive.

I´m talking about
a "me no speaky" Mexican.

That´s it!
Out of my house!

What?

I´m not gonna let you
teach these kids

to be afraid of Mexicans.

Okay, I get it.

I see
what the problem is.

Let´s say it´s a black guy.

Meeting´s over!

Max, take everyone
in the living room

until their parents get here.

Thank you.

And you, grand dragon,

you got five seconds
to get out of my yard.

George,
I have to talk to you.

That was Carmen.

She said she and Marisol
wanted to catch another movie,

but the caller I.D.
was a Hollywood number,

and she´s supposed to be
in the valley.

Here.
Star-69 her.

Yes, hello, is there a girl
named Carmen there?

She just used this phone.

Dark hair,
big, brown eyes, kind of thin.

No, you don´t want
a piece of that!

Who am I calling anyways?

Thanks.

Where are they?

On a pay phone
outside some place

called "club hole."

[ Gasps ]

My god.
George, wait!

You´re not
gonna stop me, Angie.

No, you´re not gonna get
into a club with that shirt.

I´ll sneak in the back.

Who´s gonna notice me
walking through the kitchen?

Hot plate!

Excuse me.
Me no speaky.

Oh, my god!
That was so cool!

No one even knew
I was 14!

See? I told you.

Just remember
the three a´s --

appearance, attitude

and "´a,´ what are you
looking at?"

Oh, my god!

It´s after midnight.
I´m gonna get k*lled.

Hey, Marisol,
I heard you were at club hole.

Are you looking for me, girl?

Why would I look
for you, loser?

What´s up?
I´m 18.

Is this the skank that kept
calling and hanging up

when we were together?

No, this is a different one.

Wait inside.

Get in the car.

You´re not getting away from me
this time.

What, do you think you´re all
bad ´cause you got a job now?

You´re still nothing, baby!

Hey!

What are you gonna do, loca,
run me over?

Marisol,
you´re gonna hurt him!

You want to keep a girl
from messing with you?

Watch and learn.

All right, I get it.
We´re through.

So who´s your friend?

Where is she?

I don´t know.
She wasn´t at the club.

It´s 1:00 in the morning.

I´m calling the police
right now.

And what are you
gonna tell them?

That our 14-year-old daughter

is out with some
semiretired g*ng member

that my wife tried to make
part of the family?

You let Carmen go out
to a movie with her!

Angie, you brought her
into our house!

Oh, so you´re saying
this is my fault?

No!

´Cause for some reason,

that always comes back
to haunt me.

[ Door closes ]

Thank god!

Get back down here
now.

I know it´s late.

But the second movie
was three hours long.

We´re really sorry.

I saw a movie tonight,
too.

It was called "mad as hell."

It´s about a father who drives
all around Hollywood

looking for the club
his lying daughter´s at.

Dad, we were just --

let me tell you
how the movie ends.

One of the girls...Dies.

Let me see your eyes.

They´re not dilated.
Okay, breathe on me.

Mom, I wasn´t --

breathe on me!

[ Sniffs ]
She´s clean.

Look, she was worried
about her new school.

I was trying to help her
grow up a little bit.

I was doing you a favor.

We wouldn´t have been
so late,

except junior showed up
and was threatening Marisol.

Junior was there?

He wasn´t gonna do
anything.

He can´t afford
a third strike.

Pack up your stuff
and get out of my house

before I waste
my first strike on you.

[ Voice breaking ] Fine.

And i´ve got one thing
to say to you, missy --

grounded.

You are never
leaving this house.

Dad?

Carmen,
you are so grounded,

coffee will look at you
and say, "damn!"

I´ll be right back.

I got a few words
for our houseguest.

What were you thinking,
huh?

This family´s
going into debt

to send you to a private school
to avoid trouble,

and you go looking for it?

Dad, I wasn´t looking
for trouble.

Marisol just said
I need to be more like her.

Yeah, that´s a good
role model, Carmen --

a homeless chola
with an a*usive boyfriend.

I think they have
their own window

at the unemployment office.

At least she tried
to help me.

What is that supposed to mean?

All you say is,
"everything´s gonna be okay.

Nothing´s gonna happen."

But you don´t know that.

You know what, Carmen?

You´re right.
I don´t know that.

You might get picked on.

So you have to be tough.

But not that fake toughness
that Marisol has.

Carmen,
that´s all an act.

Marisol´s scared,
and you´d see it on her face

if she´d ever take off
that makeup.

Underneath it all,
she´s probably like this...

So how do I be tough
for real?

Carmen, you have got to stop
caring so much

about what people
think about you.

Look, not everyone
in the world is gonna like you.

Well, i´d like to have
just one friend.

Carmen, you´ll always have
one friend.

Thanks, dad.

Not me.

Look, I don´t know who,

but if I end up
as your only friend,

you failed completely.

I don´t believe you.

I brought you
into my house,

and you betrayed me?

There are only two things
keeping me

from tearing into you
right now.

My son is sleeping
next door,

and i´m pretty sure
you could kick my a*s!

I was just trying
to help Carmen.

Help Carmen?

You could have
gotten her k*lled.

You weren´t just going
to a club.

You were out looking
for your psycho boyfriend.

I wasn´t looking for junior.

You don´t know
where he hangs out?

You were shocked
to run into him?

I don´t know.

I don´t want to talk
about this anymore!

Out of my way, prom queen.

No!

And you are not dealing
with the prom queen.

I was first runner-up!

[ Sarcastically ] Wow, it´s
like we´ve lived the same life!

I don´t want to hear
how tough you had it.

You already quit the g*ng.
You got a job.

And if it were me,

I would start to feel better
about myself,

but I guess you still think

you deserve a guy
who treats you like crap!

You don´t know
how hard it was to leave him.

You´re right.

It´s much easier
to stay and be abused.

Go ahead.
Throw your life away.

´Cause I don´t give a damn
anymore.

I screwed up.
Sorry.

Now that you´ve apologized,

we can work
on your self-esteem.

I´ll talk to George
about you staying.

Nighty-night.

George, where´s Carmen?
I want to talk to her.

I told her to wait in the
living room till marisol´s gone.

Listen...

I´m sorry.
This was all my fault.

Oh, no, nice try,
but i´m not falling for that.

George,
this is not a trick.

I´m saying it was my fault.

You can agree with me.

So we´re never helping anyone
ever again?

Never.

If there´s someone
on the side of the road,

and they´re dying,
what do we do?

Drive on by.

And if someone leaves a baby
on the doorstep?

Wait till night
and let the coyotes get it!

That´s my girl!

Well, in about 10 minutes
this will all be over

when marisol´s
out of the house.

Listen, about that.

No!

You don´t even know
what i´m gonna say!

I got an idea.

Wake up, fool.

What?

We talked.

And while what you did
was wrong,

we agreed not to
throw you out on the street.

So we found you
a nice, loving home.

Hey, come on,
sleeping beauty.

My toilet
isn´t gonna plunge itself.

Question number 21 --

"what would you do
if you were stuck in the woods,

and you run out of food?"

Hmm...i´d eat you.

Dad, the guys
aren´t having fun anymore.

Okay, i´ll be right out.

Hey, you know...

It´s really cool you took over
as max´s troop leader.

Well, Ernie,
it´s important to him.

So what if I have to
sacrifice my sundays?

He´s my son.

I heard you guys
weren´t having fun anymore.

Well, suck it up, rangers!

Come on, get your butts in gear

if you want to earn
that yard-working badge.

Come on -- move, move, move!

Come on, Diana Ross, let´s go.

I got a 1:00 tee time.