02x17 - A Kiss Is Just a Kiss

[bunniefuu]

Okay, here is
this week´s schedule.

Monday is max´s
soccer game...

Tuesday is
carmen´s dance class...

Wednesday´s my birthday...

Thursday´s the day
after my birthday...

Friday is two days
after my birthday...

And Saturday,

if we have not celebrated
my birthday by then,

i´ll be known
as the widow Lopez.

Angie, I know wednesday´s
your birthday.

Yeah, I know it is, too.

I saw a bunch of empty boxes
of hair dye in the trash.

Kids, notice how
at feeding time,

the old, dominant chimp

challenges the young,
beautiful one.

You know what?
Call me whatever you want.

I´m eating your food,
i´m drinking your beer,

i´m watching your television.

Yeah, i´m the monkey.

So...

Do you have anything
planned for my birthday?

Angie, please, I got --

don´t say, "I got this."

[ High-pitched voice ]
I will do my best
to get this!

What are you
gonna get her, dad?

I have no idea.

George, that was a great
birthday dinner...

[ Smooches ]

But I still think you spent
way too much money.

Come on -- that place
was a big rip-off.

The whole steak...
Is stuck right here in my tooth.

Grandma, if you finished
your steak,

then what´s in the swan?

I don´t know.

Some lady was dumb enough to
leave it on the bathroom sink.

You´re just a big Mexican
hillbilly, aren´t you?

Angie, why don´t you come
over to the couch, my love?

It´s time to open gifts.
Your birthday´s not over.

Who´s first?

I´ll go! I´ll go!

[ Giggles ]
Happy birthday, mom.

Oh, honey.
[ Smooches ]

[ Gasps ]
Oh, you wrote me a poem.

Mm-hmm.
Oh!

A single-space...



Hey, all right.
Good stuff. Who´s next?

I´ll go last.

I´ll go get my gift.

Mom, why don´t
you give Angie yours?

Oh.

Well, whatever it is,
it´s still warm.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, baby.

What is that?

It´s a homemade video.

Is that our trip
to the lake?

´Cause the kids
can´t see that.

Just watch.

Happy birthday, mi hija!

Oh, it´s daddy!

Your mother wanted
to say happy birthday, too,

but she´s volunteering

at a dermatology clinic
in Guatemala.

There is somebody
else here, though.

Hey, sis.
Happy birthday.

Oh, my god --
my sister!

How did you get her
to do this?

We´re not even talking.

If we were, i´d tell her
those bangs were a bad idea.

And all your cousins from
sarasota say happy birthday.

Oh, yeah?

How do you think
your dad looks?

[ Indistinct talking
on television ]

If that mustache
were any bigger,

he could smuggle Cubans
in it.

I know we had that spat
at my wedding,

but this no talking
is ridiculous.

I miss you...
And George called

with this fabulous idea
for your birthday,

so turn around and
you´ll see your present.

Turn around?

Just turn around
and kiss your hairy father.

Oh, papi!

Gloria!

Oh!

I can´t believe
you´re here.

Yeah, George flew us out...
Coach.

Don´t anybody move.
I´m gonna get my camera.

Okay, this is kind of a combined
birthday/"let´s make up" gift,

so happy birthday, ange.

Jeez.

[ Giggling ]

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my god.

It´s beautiful.

It´s Chanel.

I can´t wear it again.

I wore it at a benefit,
and I was photographed in it.

Oh, you show up
on film now?

[ Laughs ]

[ Giggles ]

Listen...

What I said about Richard --
i´m really sorry.

Angie --
no, let me say this.

I never should have tried
to stop you from marrying him,

and I wish he was here

so I could apologize
to him, too.

Well,
he would have been here,

but, uh, he´s kind of busy --
divorcing me.

What?!

Oooooh hah!

[ Mariachi music plays ]

Here you go.

[ Shrieks ]

[ Indistinct singing ]

No.

[ Intro to w*r´s "low rider"
plays ]

♫ all my friends
know the low rider ♫

I don´t get it.

It was only two years.

Richard was perfect --
professional, wealthy,

handsome...

Cuban.

I´m stupefied.

How can you and Richard
be getting a divorce

when these two
are still together?

Go ahead and complain,

but i´m all you got
left, papi.

[ Grunts ]

There must have been some way
you could have worked this out.

How do you work it out when
your husband´s never home,

when you feel like there´s
a stranger in your bed?

How do you work it out when
you´re changing the sheets

and you find
the stranger´s panties?

[ Gasps ]

I´m a little confused here.
Were they his panties?

Gloria, you keep going for
these hot, sexy, rich guys

when you should be going for
a guy like George.

That´s right -- cosmo says
"boring" and "hardworking"

is the new hot and rich.

It is for me.

Mmm. Mama.

Hey, stop it.

I mean, your sister
has a broken heart.

Come on, Gloria.

Every cloud has
a silver lining.

Remember what dad said to us

when he walked us
down the aisle?

"Hold on to this one,
and never let him go"?

You said to me,

"when you make waffles, you
always throw out the first one."

I tailor my message
to the moment.

Well, dad got it wrong.

I´d be happy to have
your marriage.

[ Sighs ]

I´m sorry.
I got to stop this.

This is angie´s day.

Let´s all go outside
and make this a party.

Dad, help me
with the plates.

George, can you bring out
the rest of the cake?

Sure.

I´ll be right out.
Okay.

George, you have
a little icing there.

Where?

Right there.

Mmm.

What the hell was that
all about?

What?
What she just did.

[ Imitating Gloria ]
"You got icing there.

Mmm."

Dude, that´s my
sister-in-law.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Hey! Gloria!

Why are uncle Richard
and aunt Gloria

getting a divorce?

Oh, well, Max,
it´s complicated.

Sometimes people love
each other,

but it just doesn´t
work out.

That´s sad.

[ Laughs ]
It can also be pretty funny,

like that time Mrs. Ortega

chased Mr. Ortega down
the street with a plunger.

That´s my first naked lady.

Yeah, i´m sorry
about that, Max.

At least her breasts
covered most of her body.

All right.
It´s getting late.

We´ll finish this tomorrow,
so get up to bed.

[ Thud ]

I´m in here!

Oh, hey, hey, lingerie.

I´m sorry.

I just came out for a smoke,
and I saw the light was on.

I thought you quit
smoking.

I thought Richard
quit secretaries.

[ Laughs ]
Got it.

Since we´re here...

Can I confess something?

You wore the Chanel
dress more than once,

didn´t you?

A man knows.

When Angie
first brought you home,

I thought you were
a huge loser.

Okay, i´ll confess
something, too.

I was in the kitchen,
and I heard you say,

"Angie, this guy´s
a huge loser."

Well, I just want to say
I was mostly wrong.

[ Laughs ]
Thanks.

I´m, uh, i´m actually
a little jealous of her.

Do you want
to know something?

I think she´s actually
a little jealous of you, too.

Are you insane?!

You´re right. I should
turn off the lights.
No.

You want
the lights on?
No!

You want me
up on the bench?
No!

I want you to remember
i´m married to your sister.

[ Door slams ]

Oh, man.

[ Sighs ]

Orale!
Not you, too.

Mom, I need to talk
to somebody.

But since you´re here,
look...

Something happened
last night.

Oh, just flip the mattress over.
No one knows.

Angie´s sister
came on to me.

What?!

I´m serious. Gloria tried
to kiss me last night.

Oh, my god!

I don´t believe this!

You´re saying my Gloria
tried to kiss you?
Vic --

I don´t even understand
how you got one palmero woman,

and you think two
are after you?

Where´s my wife?
Is she in your pants?

Just keep your little
fantasies to yourself.

I don´t want my girls fighting
because your ego is so big

you think everyone´s trying
to kiss you.

Are these kisses, huh?

Is this good for you?

I think maybe you
should buy me dinner now

because we are kissing.

[ Sighs ]

Imagine -- there´s an island
of people just like him.

You believe Gloria
kissed me, right?

Oh, yeah, I believe you.
She flirts with everybody.

She would tongue a cow
for cream in her coffee.

So, what do I do?

If I tell Angie,

I ruin her relationship
with her sister,

and if I don´t tell her
and she finds out from Gloria,

then it looks like I was
trying to hide something.

I say don´t tell her.

Sometimes you have to lie
in order to protect someone.

Remember that little dog,
musky, you had,

and one day it was gone,

and I told you that he
got hit by a car?

Yeah?

Well, that was not true.

He ran away.

So he could still
be alive?

Well, he came back,

but I had to take him
to the pound

because I didn´t want you
to think

that your mother
was a liar.

Gloria´s not down
here yet?

Man, you cannot get that girl
out of bed.

No kidding.

Look, Angie,
about your sister --

I know, she´s got
her problems.

But last night
after you went to bed,

we stayed up talking.

For the first time
in I don´t know how long,

I felt like I had
a sister again.

And I have you
to thank for that.

So, you´re happy?

I´m really happy.

Well, that´s the most
important thing.

I´ll go get Max, and
we´ll finish his skateboard.

Can you do something
for me?

Sure.

While gloria´s out here,

I really want you two to get
to know each other better.

I think that´s happening,
Angie. I really do.

Dude, ready to finish
that skateboard?

I don´t care about
the skateboard anymore.

The skateboard´s gonna
go 40 miles an hour.

The guys from "jackass"
wouldn´t even ride it.

Why were you kissing
aunt Gloria?

What?

I saw you.

[ Sighs ]

Max...

I wasn´t kissing
aunt Gloria.

She kissed me.

I love your mother,

and this family
is everything to me,

and I wouldn´t do anything
to hurt you guys, okay?

Okay.

Good.

Now, come on, let´s go down
and work on your skateboard.

Are you and mom gonna
get a divorce?

No.

You know what?
Wait right here.

Oh! Don´t you ever
wear clothes?!

Did you knock on my door
to find out?

Max saw you kiss me
last night.

He wants to know if Angie
and I are getting a divorce.

Oh, my god.
George, i´m sorry.

I´m not letting you
mess up my family,

so put on all the clothes
you have

until it resembles
a tasteful pantsuit,

and go down and talk
to Max now.

[ Knock on door ]

Hey.
Can I come in?

You don´t have to talk to me.
My dad already did.

Okay.
You´re mad at me.

Why´d you kiss him?

I don´t know.

Why did I marry
Charlie sheen for a week?

You have to ask
my therapist.

Hey, Max, I wasn´t trying
to take your dad away

or hurt your mom.

I just broke up
with my husband,

and, I don´t know,
maybe i´m sad.

And seeing how happy
your dad makes your mom,

I guess I wanted
some of that...Happiness.

Okay.

Hey!

Someone could see.

I´m sorry, Max.
I couldn´t help myself.

You are so cute.

My dad says it´s the hair.

How´d it go?

Good.

But, um, I think
I should leave.

Yeah, I think you should.

Oh!

George, she walked
right by you.

Was that a quickie?

Max...

I get it --
nothing happened!

Good.

Look, I just want you to know
you never have to worry

about your mom and me
getting a divorce.

I grew up without a dad,

and I would never let
that happen to you.

Are we gonna tell mom?

Yeah, I think we should.

Okay. Let´s go.

Whoa-h*-h*!

I didn´t finish.

I think it would be better

to wait till
aunt Gloria leaves.

Okay.

You know, she tried
to kiss me, too.

Should I tell mom that?

No, but, uh, why don´t you
tell grandpa Vic?

I think he might get
a kick out of it.

I wish you didn´t
have to go.

We were having
such a good time.

I know, but the police

want me to file a report
on the break-in.

It´s a big hassle,
but I need to be there.

Yep, gotta go.
Big emergency.

Carmen, Max!
Come say goodbye.

[ Sighs ]

That was a kiss goodbye.

Here´s a hug.

Ay!

Come on, daddy.

Bye.

Aunt Gloria kissed dad!

That´s how people
say goodbye, Max.

No -- in the garage,
last night.

Oh!
What?

In her nightgown --

the red one,
not the black one.

Dad said we should wait till
she left to tell you.

Left the city, man --
not the porch!

Is this true?

Yeah.

Gloria!

What´s gonna happen?

Well, the neighbors
are gonna call the police,

and then people
are gonna walk by the house

and say, "yeah, that´s
where those people live."

Then the property values
are gonna do down,

and eventually the cops
are gonna arrest me

in the front yard
with no shirt on.

So, I didn´t hear
a lot of yelling.

What happened out there?

We talked.

She confessed, she apologized,

and then I gave her
her hair back.

You know, I was gonna tell
you as soon as she left.

George, if there´s one thing
I know,

it´s that I can trust you.

Angie, i´m so sorry your
birthday turned out like this.

Oh, it´s not your fault.
It´s gloria´s.

She´s so competitive.
It´s disgusting.

So...who´s a better kisser?

Mr. Needles.

Once you get past that breath,
it´s a wild ride.

[ Shrieks ]
Get away.

You know, Ernie, I
could go for some music.

I´m feeling nostalgic.
How about a classic?

All right.
"Iron man" by black sabbath?

[ Band plays "iron man"
by black sabbath ]