02x01 - The Road to Kingdom

[bunniefuu]

[wind rustles]

[man grunts]

[man grunts]

[man grunts]

[suspenseful music plays]

[grunts]

[groans]

[suspenseful music intensifies]

[airplane engine roars]

[music continues quietly]

[Geoff] Morning, Your Grace.

-Geoffrey.
-Enjoying the views?

[Eddie] Mm.

Shouldn't you be headed back
to the house soon, sir?

Your guests will be coming
down the stairs for breakfast.

And I would like to start
the sh**t team talk at 9:30.


as far as the eye could see.

In every direction.
All the way down to the coast.

It's been diminished.

Year after year.
Generation after generation.

First came the apologies.

Then came the shame.

Then came the contraction.

It's like a rot.

I want it back, Geoff.

I want it all back.

[dramatic classical music plays]

So, we've bought this airfield?

We haven't. His Lordship has.

Through a shell company.



of weed farm hidden under the hangar.

Perfect cover for distribution.

You grow it under the hangar.
Load in the hangar.

And then you can distribute to anywhere
in the country by plane or road.

Then there's the air shows,
the restaurant, the gift shop.

All good ways to clean money.

Espresso martini, sir?

Apparently, they start early
on a sh**t day.

In that case, when in Rome…

[speaks German]

Madam?

You know what?

Dad might've been right
about the Duke after all.

[Susie] It was an inspired idea to mirror
what we're doing here in Italy.

Growing our product
underneath aristocratic palazzos.

Speaking of which, here comes

our Italian connection,
who's our gateway into Europe.

We've gone international,
and it's paying off.

What's with the Spitfires?

You never know when a w*r's
going to start, Jack. [chuckles]

[in Italian]

[both speak Italian]

[in English] Good morning, Mr. Maldini.

-Buongiorno.
-[Gabrielle] I can take that for you.

Francesco.

-Good morning, Francesco.
-Uh, but y… you can call me Cico.

Cico.

If you wanna follow me,
Blanket will take care of your bags.

I'd follow you to the gates of St. Peter.

[in Italian]

[Cico] Ciao, Susie!

[woman yells in Italian]

Susie, Susie, Susie.

[in English] So good to see you.

Look, there's something of a niggle
regarding our business dealings.

It's something
that really needs to be discussed.

We can talk about it later.
We're running a little bit late.

-Contessa, you look divine.
-Thank you, Miss Glass.

[Susie] Shall we?

[in Italian]

[dogs bark]

[in English] Didn't fancy kedgeree,
Lord Hawthorne?

Oh, no.

While I enjoy the flavor
of curry at breakfast,

it is impossible to trump the kipper.

Mm. I see you've met my nephew.

I have indeed. Handsome little devil.

Any word from the father?

Hoping to join us for dinner.

Well, it is wonderful
he works for a living.

But he's just like Eddie.
He works too hard.

Since when did a day of sh**ting
become work, mother?

[Cico speaks Italian]

We're late.
But not too late for the breakfast.

[fingers snap]

Eddie.

Eduardo.

Ed-weirdo.

How are you, man?

-Ciao.
-Good to see you. Come here.

[Cico exclaims] Oh.

I'm so sorry,

but my pilot decided
to fly into a f*cking storm.

Somehow we missed the eye.

Well, you're here now.

It wasn't a storm.
He was just being a baby.

We haven't had the pleasure.

So f*cking formal.
I love this guy, I swear to God.

This is my girlfriend,
Contessa Isabella Soranza de Parme.

-Delighted to meet you.
-Your Grace.

-Please, take a seat.
-[Bella] Thank you.

Hello.

And how do you two
fit into this aristocratic jigsaw puzzle?

Don't mind us. We're just here
to represent the proletariat.

Oh, how very modern.

Well, I must say,
you're two glorious-looking specimens.

It's a brave new world, Your Lordship.

Oh, what a wonderful accent.
Could you say that again?

Come the revolution, brother.

Guilty as charged. Spare me. Come, sit.

Shall I have a word
about the language, sir?

I think it would be prudent.

Uh, I was thinking

that maybe we could have
a little bit of chat with Susie, you know,

uh, before the bang-bang starts.

Nothing major, you know?
Just a little bit of business.

We'll deal with it later.

Geoff would like us on the pegs by 9:30,

and we wouldn't want
to disappoint him, now, would we?

Don't worry, Cico. We've got all morning.

Yeah.

All right.

[in Italian]

[Eddie in English] He's edgy, Susan.
It's concerning me.

So, what is the issue with Cico?

Yet to be determined.

I'm sure it's nothing positive.

I know you're not
his number one fan, Eddie,

but he has helped us
get a foothold in Italy,

a territory beset by monsters
around every corner.

His efforts shouldn't be underestimated.

Fixers are supposed to fix problems,
not create them.

I say we give him the benefit of the doubt
for the time being.

Meanwhile, you can focus your efforts
on snagging yourself a peerage,

as per my father's request.

You leave Lord Hawthorne to me.

[helicopter blades whir]

[dramatic classical music plays]

Hope we haven't got
too many plates spinning today.

No. Shoots are never
about the k*lling, Susan.

They're about the deal-making.

It's an alibi to fuse
a collection of disparate rogues.

Contrary to logic,
the more spinning plates, the better.

People will fly 5,000 miles
for a sh**t in the English countryside,

and for some strange reason,

are more open to business
when they've got a g*n in their hand.

[Susie] Hm.

-[Eddie] Tell me more about your friend.
-[Susie] You'll like Aisha.

Clever girl. Aspirational.

Looks after herself
and everyone who comes within her orbit.

She moved to the Middle East
five years ago to work in hospitality.

Now she's snagged herself
a seat at the royal table.

[Eddie] The Middle East
is the future, Susie.

They build a new world out there
every two weeks.

Yeah, I know why you want him here.
I like your ambition.

Hello, honey. How are you doing?

-This is the Duke.
-How do you do?

I do very well. Thank you for hosting us.

So this is His Excellency,
Prince Amir bin Abdullah al-Hadidi.

Well.

Good morning, Sheikh Amir.

Your Grace. Thank you so much
for inviting us to your beautiful home.

Of course.

-I brought you a small gift.
-[Eddie] Ah.

Double magnum of Petrus '09.
Very generous.

Why do I get the feeling
you might have over-delivered?

I mean, he's a sweetheart.

Second in line to the throne.
Loves a good time.

And he's got more money than…
Well, put it this way, he's f*cking rich.

Never mind me over-delivering.

You never said about
your Duke looking like a movie star.

[in Arabic]

-[in English] He speaks f*cking Arabic?
-He gets better by the second.

[in Arabic]

[Eddie chuckles]

[in English] Your wife?

Business wife.

Amir, we must get you a g*n.

[quiet suspenseful music plays]

[Amir] Why are there so many?
A… And why only two barrels?

Give the birds a sporting chance, sir.

-Which one is the best?
-The best? Or the most impressive?

Both.

You have your Germans,
your Brits, and your American g*ns.

But if you're looking
for prestige and heritage,

I'm feeling Italian Beretta for you, sir.

They hunt in pairs.

They've been at it for 500 years.

Oldest gunmakers in the world.

You see that engraving?

That took a little Italian man two years
to etch that pretty picture.

[Amir] It's magnificent.

[Geoff] No good in a Chicago gunfight,

but absolutely wonderful
in the green fields of England.

-I feel an erection coming on.
-That's the appropriate response, sir.

[chuckles]

Look at that. Fits like a glove.

James Bond's weapon of choice.

I thought that was the Walter PPK, no?

No, not in the original novel.

I think you'll do very well
with those Berettas, Amir.

Geoffrey.

You'll remember to ensure Lord Hawthorne
has a suitably memorable experience?

I'll make sure
his arse is drowning in the butter.

-[Eddie] Good.
-Anything special for him, sir?

Of course, Geoffrey.

-Only the best.
-Oh!

-Lord Monmouth's Holland & Holland, sir?
-Exactly.

-Lucky man.
-[Eddie] Hm.

That would be my weapon of choice, sir.

Geoff, Geoff, Geoff. I'm sorry.
I don't want to be a pain in the a*s,

but, you know,
as much as I like my loader,

I would like that angel from Essex
to load my g*n for me, please.

-I'll look into it.
-Yes! Okay, grazie. f*ck. Yes.

You might wanna tone down the language.

You're a guest of His Grace,
and there's ladies present.

-Just a suggestion.
-All right.

[Geoff] Okay, everyone.

Your numbers will be
on the bottom of the glasses.

That will be your peg number for the day.

-Your Grace?
-Bottoms up.

-Cheers.
-Chin-chin.

[Geoff] Loaders?

[lively classical music plays]

[horn blares]

Good shot, sir.

I don't understand how I'm missing.

Don't worry, sir.
I'm sure you'll get them in the next one.

I must say,
you're very good at this, Jack.

Well, you can show me your appreciation
in your tip, sir.

[chuckles]

You've got to at least try
and hit one, mother.

Darling, you know,
you've become very bloodthirsty

since you left university.

Forty.

-Aisha! I want one of these.
-[Aisha] You want one of what?

-One of these!
-Then you shall have one of these.

[laughs]

Greedy c**t.

Thank you.

[whistle blows]

Thank you, sir.

You sh**t beautifully, Bella.

Thank you. You sh**t like a god.

[chuckles]

[Hawthorne] Jack, I must say,
you were absolutely wonderful out there.

You put me right at ease.

I tell you what, shall we be
very naughty boys and have one more?

-You've read my mind, Your Lordship.
-Thank you, Jack. [chuckles]

Eddie! Eddie.

How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways

What a wonderful drive.

The birds just kept coming at me,
wave after wave of them.

You did yourself proud, Lord Hawthorne.
Nothing much got past you.

I did sh**t rather well,
if I say so myself.

-[Eddie] You did indeed.
-[chuckles]

[Eddie] Will you be heading
to Scotland this summer?

[Hawthorne] Chance'd be a fine thing.

Too much going on
in the corridors of power.

Mm, yes. I heard about
Lord Bramlingham's death.

-Wasn't it shocking?
-[Eddie] Shocking indeed.

I suppose you'll be looking
to fill the position?

It's not often that a spot
for a hereditary peer comes up.

Any idea who might get it?

[suspenseful music plays]

We're drawing up a short list
this weekend.

You know, you and I,
we should have a drink before dinner.

I've always been fascinated
by the inner workings of Parliament.

Have you, indeed?

[Eddie] Mm.

Right. These birds
aren't gonna k*ll themselves.

[in Italian]

[in English] You might want to miss one or
two. You're making the Italian look bad.

-Do we have a problem with that, Geoffrey?
-I don't, but I think his ego does.

Oh. Well, we might have to lie
on the count, Geoff.

[horn blares]

[Cico] Things have been good
between us, yeah?

This time last year, we had nothing.

But since we started that little farm

under the Contessa's palazzo estate,
my God!

You guys nailed it.

Six more farms in less than a year.

You said there was a problem.
Why don't you enlighten us?

Yeah. There is a real problem.
The problem is, uh, Marco Moretti.

Sorry, what?

[suspenseful music plays]

Marco Moretti?

What the f*ck is Moretti doing
in this conversation?

We need to talk to him.

The reason we talk to you is so we don't
have to talk to El Capo Dei Capi.

I know, but then
he started sniffing around.

He found out we are growing marijuana
under the Contessa's palazzo.

Marco is her godfather.
He was always going to find out.

And now he wants a piece of it. Otherwise,
he's gonna rip it out of the ground.

Hold on. Hold on.
We're spiraling here, Cico.

You pushed us out of an aeroplane
without a parachute.

You told us
you could keep Marco out of this.

Where's our Mr. Consistent?
Where's our Mr. Reliable?

It's Italy.
Everything is a surprise, all right?

This is why you have me. Okay?
So I can stop the crisis.

How much to stop the crisis?

Like,

forty a year?

Forty what?

Forty lira? Forty winks? Forty lashes?
Forty nights in the desert?

Forty f*cking what, Cico?

Forty million euros, obviously.

-Okay, that's it. We're off.
-Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay. Fine. Obviously,
you know, 40 is unacceptable.

-[Susie] Mm.
-But this is why you pay me.

I have a… a solution.

Well, it's a pretty big
f*cking problem, Francesco,

so it better be a big f*cking solution.

Well, um, how familiar are you
with the works of Botticelli?

A small picture of his
is coming up for sale

at an auction house in London.

-Marco is obsessed with his work.
-[Eddie] It's a punchy ask.

Six million's not much
if it has the desired effect.

Marco Moretti runs a serious organization.

Extortion, kidnap, t*rture,
they're into all of it.

And they've got heavyweight backing
from church and state.

Look, I'm not questioning
the power of Marco Moretti.

I understand the nuance and sophistication

of buying a painting
by his favorite Renaissance artist.

My question is whether or not Cico is
the most effective method to access him.

I know you don't like him.
I like him even less than you do.

But we've got to keep him on side.
At least in the short term.

Anyway, you don't have to like
everyone you work with.

I know who you do like.

-What does that mean?
-It can mean whatever you want it to mean.

[Geoff] Ten-minute warning,
everybody. Ten minutes.

[in Italian]

[music stops]

[in English] Thank you.

Oh!

[in Italian]

[both shout in Italian]

[Cico shouts in Italian]

Cico!

Cico!

-[whistle blows]
-[Geoff in English] Hold the line!

[Bella] Cico. Cico?

Is he dead?

Hm. He'll be all right.

A partridge hit him on the head.
Doesn't usually k*ll 'em.

"Usually"?

[in Italian]

Cico? Cico? [speaks Italian]

[groans softly]

[in English] The man's a buffoon.
We shouldn't be buying the art.

If you're lucky,
he won't recover from the aerial as*ault.

-[Cico] Chicken tried to m*rder me.
-Focus on Lord Hawthorne.

He's a cash-strapped lord
with a crumbling old pile.

Shouldn't be too hard.

[quiet classical music plays]

[Hawthorne] Mm.

I know I look like a useless old fruit,
but I do know when I'm being worked.

The birds, the food, the Petrus.

I get it.

And I'm… [chuckles] …very grateful, Eddie.
Really, I am.

But I… I know what you're up to.

I'm being greased.

I'm being lubed. [chuckles]

In the hope that I might support
your efforts to become a hereditary peer.

Well, you're an important man,
Lord Hawthorne.

It's only fitting that you should receive
the appropriate embellishments.

And I suppose the reason
you want this position

is so that you can influence
a key piece of legislation

proposing the decriminalization
of marijuana.

Why would I care about that?

[Hawthorne] I've no idea, Eddie.

Whatever your reasons,
they are no concern of mine.

No, what interests me is the number
you think I can be bought for,

so let's not waste any more time.

What number did you have in mind?

He's a cash-strapped lord with a crumbling
old pile. Shouldn't be too hard.

What are you thinking
of opening with? Two mil?

[Eddie] Oh, God, no.
Something like £100,000.

Don't be ridiculous.

£50,000?

You'd be surprised what
political bureaucrats will do for cash.

If you can pull that off,
next meal deal's on me.

I am afraid that is
a little out of my league, Lord Hawthorne.

Feel free to enjoy the rest of the Petrus.

Thirty-five.

[sniffs]

Twenty-five.

Thirty.

For that, I need your endorsement
of my nomination as a hereditary peer,

along with the support
of the crossbenchers,

who will happily go along with you
if you ask them nicely,

thus guaranteeing me a seat
in the House of Lords.

Any further assistance I may need

in terms of influencing
specific legislation,

well, that will be negotiated
on a case-by-case basis.

Well, that sounds reasonable.

Oh, there is one other provision
that I'm afraid I must insist on.

And what's that?

Jack.

Uh, Jack?

Jack the loader.

I'm interested in him.

Right. Interested in him in what way?

Anthropologically.

He's a rare creature, Eddie,

who seems to possess

the wild vitality
of some long-forgotten primal man.

Well, I'm sure something can be arranged.

Hm.

[Geoff] Good evening.

I hope you've enjoyed your day's sport
at Halstead Manor.

Today's bag, sir.



and one Italian businessman.

The bad news is,

Your Lordship gets the wooden spoon
for 94 shots and not a lot of feather.

I blame my instructor, Geoffrey.

I will have a word with him myself, sir.

The good news is,

Her Ladyship has redeemed the family name.

She shot ten birds on the bounce,
and best dressed in the field.

-[Eddie] Hear, hear.
-Thank you.

Your Grace, Your Ladyship,
ladies and gentlemen.

-Thank you.
-[Eddie] Thank you.

[indistinct chatter]

[glass clinking]

I wanted to propose, um, a toast to

Eduardo, the most generous host.

It's so incredible
to be invited over to England

to share in your ancient tradition
and your inspirational visions

for a brighter future.

His Grace.

[Hawthorne] Eddie.

Hear, hear.

-Right, shall we?
-[Sabrina] Yes.

Why didn't you drink?

Ah. Not really the done thing
when it's about oneself, eh?

We've already broken with custom.

It's hardly the done thing to propose
a toast before we've even sat down.

You think Cico's uncouth?

Lord Hawthorne was merely,
um, highlighting the differences

between Italian
and English tradition, right?

He is uncouth.

I think the gamekeeper got it wrong.

If it was up to me, I would give you
the best dressed award.

Cico's idea of class is giving me
a stripy lion for my birthday.

-You mean a tiger?
-Whatever.

-Sabrina, darling. Will you excuse me?
-Yes, of course.

-Aisha, can you join me for something?
-Right behind you.

Not having much luck
with the birds today, are you, Cico?

[Cico grunts]

-How did you two meet?
-At a party.

He was selling cocaine.

Well, at least that's not a cliché.
Were you buying?

God, no.

[suspenseful music plays]

I know you think he's gauche and clumsy,
but he's ambitious.

A trait I find attractive.

[Eddie] Hm.

The clumsiness of that ambition
is a work in progress though.

You seem to elicit his insecurity,
and he can be volatile.

What about you, Eddie?
What are your ambitions?

Mine?

Well, how do you know
I'm not a feckless aristocrat

willing to live off his dwindling asset?

'Cause there's nothing feckless
about you, Your Grace.

Well, you give me
the benefit of the doubt.

I do.

Sorry, can I help you?

I don't know.

Can you?

Are you lost?

Yes. I think I'm in a dream.

This is the most beautiful machine
I've ever seen.

Well, then.

Let me wake you up from this dream.

Mm-hmm.

[Charly chuckles]

-Darling.
-Darling.

[Lawrence] Bag, sir?

Jolly kind of you, Mr. Lawrence.
Sorry I'm late.

-Sorry for this ghastly attire.
-Mm.

A couple of complications at work.
Have I missed my boy?

I've literally just put him down.

Come. Come, you must be famished.

I'm not going anywhere until you tell me
who that wonderful vehicle belongs to.

But after all that, it turned out
he was an erotic dancer from Corinth.

[laughs]

I know who you are.

Do you know how many bodies
of the Mark VI Drophead Coupé

were actually built by Franay?

Um, uh…

-Not very many?
-Eighteen.

How do you do, Lord Hawthorne?
I'm Nanny Asante.

But you can call me Nanny.

Your car is a jewel. An absolute jewel.

Oh, thank you, Nanny.

In which case,
you must take her for a spin tomorrow.

I couldn't. I shouldn't.

But I must.

Where did you two meet?

[Eddie] Nanny is
a rather outstanding soldier.

He was awarded the military cross
for his extraordinary bravery in combat.

They met at
our Sandhurst Commissioners Ball.

-Nanny and I were commissioned together.
-I was Eddie's date.

[Charly chuckles]

The '95, sir. Your favorite.

Thank you, Mr. Lawrence. Be a love
and also make sure the jacket is pressed.

Very good.

You should think about children, Edward.

Don't want the estate to fall
into the hands of that brother of yours.

-Where is he, by the way?
-Well, he's recuperating.

Oh, what was the poison?

Ah, too many and too varied
to discuss at dinner, I'm afraid.

[sniffs]

[tense music plays]

-[Freddy yells]
-[both chuckle]

Well, people think
that he just looks after the horses.

But in actual fact, the King's Equerry
is the aide-de-camp to the sovereign.

Nanny is basically
the King of England's right-hand man.

Don't tell my boss.
He'll try and poach him.

Anything the English king likes, he wants.

[Bella laughs]

[Sabrina] Well, I'm sure
they'd get on like--

Wine. Wine, wine, wine.

Can I offer you a new glass?
It's a new wine. We're on to the Mouton.

-And I was…
-Right.

-What happened to the Masseto?
-I'm afraid it's finished. It's a 1989.

Ah.

Yes. It's not at all musty,
if that's what you're worried about.

Right.

[wine trickles]

The wine is corked.

Mr. Lawrence.

[Sabrina] Do you know,

my father-in-law, he once sent back
six bottles on the spin.

But it turned out that he'd had a stroke
and he'd lost all sense of taste.

Well, it did come back
a couple of days later,

but it was £20,000
straight down the toilette.

Maybe you've had a stroke, Cico.
How about that?

[Eddie] You're right.

The wine is corked.

Would you care to select another with me?

There's no Italian wine here.

Well, I can ask them to send up
a bottle of Barolo Riserva, if you like.

Unless you think
it might be a little, uh, rich.

You don't like Italian wine, huh?

On the contrary.
I thought the Masseto held its own.

But you pulled your face just then
when you said "rich."

It's like Italian wine isn't as good
as French or something like that.

French wine is
generally superior to Italian.

Italians attempt to ape

what the French have been doing superbly
for the last 800 years.

"Ape"?

Like a monkey?

So, you think
Barola Riserva is a monkey wine?

Well, I didn't say that.

I'm sorry, my friend,
but that's what you said.

You think Italian wine is inferior
and it's only fit to be drunk by monkeys.

Well, maybe you have a point.

All I'm saying is,
Italians invented the wine.

The French were sucking off their donkeys

when the Romans came and taught them
the process of the winemaking.

The French would be drinking
their own piss if it wasn't for us.

Delightful.

The wine wasn't corked, Cico.

It was the best wine of the evening,
and you know it.

-Are you questioning my judgment?
-Yes, I am.

The wine wasn't corked.

If I say it's corked, then it's corked.

I'm Italian, and I can trace my bloodline
back until the time of Michelangelo.

So again, are you questioning my judgment?

[Eddie] Your judgment's hardly watertight.

You bought your girlfriend a pet tiger
for her birthday.

And I wouldn't play the antiquity
of the bloodline game if I were you.

And now I have a blood of a peasant?

[chuckles]

Oh, Cico,

if you were a peasant or an aristocrat,
you'd be something, but you're neither.

You were born
out of the morass of mediocrity.

You are the witless son
of a used car dealer

who made his money
selling Fiat 500s in suburban Turin.

[tense classical music plays]

[in Italian]

[chuckles softly]

[in English] ♪ Oh, my son Tim
Was a bosun's mate ♪

♪ He could blow the whistle
But he never ran a rate ♪

♪ When the thought of his mother
Came into his head ♪

♪ You couldn't understand one word he said
With your too-ri-ra ♪

♪ Fol-the-da, whack fol-the-doodle ♪

♪ Well, up comes Tim without any legs ♪

♪ And in their place
He had two wooden pegs ♪

♪ Well, was it walking across the sea ♪

♪ Wore your two fine legs
From the knees away? ♪

♪ With your too-ri-ra
Fol-the-da, whack… ♪

Duke's here.

When you put the birds
in Lord Hawthorne's car,

make sure he gets the brace of grays.

And add this too.

[Geoff] Double magnum of Petrus?

That should do the trick.

I'll do it straight away.

In your own time, Geoff.

♪ When I left my two fine legs behind ♪

♪ When up came a bloody great… ♪

[Susie] Straighten things out
with the Italian?

Man's a disaster, Susie.

-And I smell a rat with the Botticelli.
-Hm.

We've only got his word that
that m*ssile will reach its destination.

I know you don't wanna buy the Botticelli.
Either way, we need to speak to my father.

[Eddie] Hm.

Get anywhere with Lord Hawthorne?

[inhales sharply]

-Well, we have a number.
-Do I owe you a Happy Meal?

But there's a small caveat.

-Caveat?
-Hm.

He's taken an interest in Jack.

Right, what sort of interest?

An anthropological one.

What does that mean?

Well,

he wants to, uh, take him for dinner,
maybe to the opera,

and then, uh, you know,

wank him off a bit.

[Susie] Hm.

That shouldn't be a problem.

I'll leave it to you to tell my father

that his son needs to bring
a peer of the realm to orgasm.

You leave it with me.

♪ Fol-the-doodle, fol-the-di-dum ♪

You ever heard of the myth of the Bannik?

Yeah.

The shapeshifting spirit

that supposedly frequented
the steam rooms of Northern Europe.

The story goes that your Bannik,
well, he's a…

he's a mischievous kind of spirit.

Sometimes he appears as a naked little man
stroking his beard, smoking a pipe.

But you be careful

that you don't invite in
other kinds of spirits.

If you're asking his advice, you gotta
make sure you pay him his due.

Otherwise, uh,

he can get up to all sorts of mischief.

Fortunately,

there are

other rituals that you can use
that appease the Bannik.

Now, these rituals range from

smothering a black-feathered chicken

and burying his unplucked corpse
under your steam house,

or you can just

offer him a fir branch
when you've finished your steam

and say thank you.

But you gotta be sure you pay him.

Now, your Bannik, he does have his uses.

And what would those be, Father?

Well, he can see into the future.

I'll show you how to do it.

[suspenseful music plays]

Oh.

[Bobby] Now, you stand
with your back to the furnace,

which you leave half open.

Now, you ask the Bannik a question,
any question you want,

but the Bannik,
he won't answer you directly, you see.

He can't talk. He can only touch.

Now, if it's a good omen,

you'll feel his little hand
pat you on the back.

But if it's a bad one, well,

he'll scratch you
with his sharp little claws.

And what question did you ask him, then?

I asked him about the emergence
of the Mafia boss, Marco Moretti,

and this business about the picture.

Right. And what exactly
did this Bannik say, then, Bobby?

[Bobby] Do I buy the Botticelli
for Marco Moretti?

The Bannik gave my back
a lovely little f*cking rub.

-Hm.
-You ought to buy him that picture.

Well, my concern is,

despite our early success
that we've enjoyed in Italy,

Cico, he remains sloppy and unreliable.

But if he smooths out
the business with Moretti,

then he's getting the job done.

Buy him the f*cking picture!

The Bannik has spoken, okay?

Loud and clear.

[Bobby] Right,
let's have a little coffee break.

[door opens]

[music fades]

-Georgie?
-Yes, guv'nor?

Do me a piccolo espresso from
the Marzocco. Sling it in the hot room.

-Leave it with me. It's in the post, boss.
-[Bobby] Lovely.

[exhales]

Now, I know you've got
your reservations about Cico,

but he's boots on the ground.

I want you to work with him on this.

-Sure thing, Dad. No sweat.
-[Eddie] Mm-hmm.

So, how's the old plan going,
getting the Duke into the House of Lords?

[Susie] Once we've resolved the Jack
and Lord Hawthorne sitch…

We're confident
we're gonna work it through.

He's the right person to talk to.

Well, that's good.

'Cause I need you in there.

We're k*lling this bill.

No ifs or buts.

Right, well,
I'm f*cking freezing out here.

I'm gonna go in
and have my piccolo espresso.

-You keep me informed.
-Of course.

Love you, babe.

He's getting worse, Susan.

No. He's just winding you up. Bit of fun.

He's making decisions based
on the advice of a mythical creature.

Like I said, fun.

[man 1] Ladies and gentlemen,

a very warm welcome to Beaumont's
for today's auction,

led, of course, by a very special piece
by a true master,

Botticelli's Virgin and Child Enthroned.

Previous owners include
Philip II of Spain,

the Duke of Orleans, and Louis XV.

-It's currently owned by an anonymous…
-[man 2] Susie!

I haven't seen you in ages.

Afternoon, Joseph.
It has been a while. Um, this is Eddie.

-Joe Green.
-[Eddie] Pleased to meet you.

-Art world, is it?
-Well, today it is.

-What brings you to Inglaterra?
-Selling a couple of pictures.

-Didn't know you were a collector.
-Easy way to move money.

That's how it started,
and now I've got a taste for it.

I hope we're not gonna be
bidding against you for the Botticelli.

Oh, no. No fear there.

I'm not really an early Renaissance man.

-[Eddie] Right.
-How's your brother?

-Good. He's outside. You should say hello.
-[Joe] Oh, yeah, I'll do that.

And your dad?

Six years into a ten-stretch.

It looks like they'll be letting him out
on good behavior.

Bit strong for the puff game, innit?

It weren't the puff that cuffed him.
Tax returns.

Gets the best of them.

-[Joe] Make sure you give him my best.
-[Susie] Mm.

You still on the same number?

Well, call and find out.

Yeah, I might do that.

Might look forward to it.

Edward.

Well, that was, uh, emotional.

What?

Well, clearly some history, I assume.

-We don't need to go there.
-Now I'm definitely gonna go there.

-A very handsome young man.
-We can stop talking about this now.

-So, does he have a big c*ck?
-[Susie] Eddie!

If everyone is ready,

we will start bidding
for the marvelous Botticelli,

shown here on my left,

the Virgin and Child Enthroned.

Right, ladies and gentlemen,

we'll start the bidding here today
at £2,000,000.

I think he is interested in you.

-[auctioneer] £2,000,000. Thank you.
-Move on.

-[auctioneer] Two million five.
-Sexually.

-That's enough.
-[auctioneer] Two million five. Thank you.

£3,000,000?

-He's definitely gonna call.
-I said that's enough.

Well, it might do you some good.
Must have been a while.

Don't worry about me. I do just fine.

-I think there's some chemistry there.
-Oh.

£4,000,000. Thank you, sir. At £4,000,000.

-Four million five. Thank you, madam.
-Jealous?

-[auctioneer] At four million five.
-You get in there, girl.

[auctioneer] Five million in the front.
With you, madam. At five million five.

Any advance?

£6,000,000.

£6,000,000.

Six million.

Temperature's rising, Susan.

I know exactly what's happening
to the temperature.

[auctioneer] Seven million.
With you, madam, at seven million.

This is your show. I'm happy to back you.

-Thank you.
-[auctioneer] £9,000,000 now.

I hope you're not just indulging
your competitive spirit here.

[auctioneer] Nine million.
With you, madam, at nine.

-Ten million, sir.
-[Eddie] For f*ck's sake!

[auctioneer] At ten million.
Back with you, madam, at ten.

-You're under the spell, Susie.
-11 million. Thank you.

You're not helping.

[auctioneer] £11,000,000 is the bid.

[tiger growls]

£12,000,000. Thank you.
£12,000,000 we have.

At £12,000.000.

Do I hear 13?

£13,000.000. Thank you.

With you at 13 million. Against you, sir.

-Here we go.
-13 million is the bid.

With you, madam, at 13. Do I hear 14?

Dad, it's already at 13.

Well, I need you to buy that picture.

We need the Italians on board.

And if it's a masterpiece they want,
then get it.

-£14,000,000? 14 million.
-[Susie] It was supposed to cost six.

I don't even know
why we're having this conversation.

The Bannik said buy it.

-Christ!
-[Susie] Dad, it's now at 14.

-Susie.
-[Bobby] I'm just trying to relax.

Now I'm all stressed out.

Buy the f*cking picture!

-[auctioneer] It's on 14 million.
-c**ts!

-I thought it was six.
-We're getting the picture.

[auctioneer] 15 million. Thank you.

-At 15 million. Any advance on--
-Fifteen five.

-[auctioneer] 15,500,000. Thank you, sir.
-Susie, don't take the bait.

[auctioneer] With you.

-Do I hear 16?
-Susan.

[suspenseful music plays]

It's going once.

It's going twice.

Susan.

[auctioneer] £16,000,000
for the Botticelli.

Sixteen five, sir?

Fair warning now. At £16,000.000.

Sold at 16 million to the lady.
Thank you very much, madam.

Well, that went well.

I know it's a big ask, but I need you
to not be such a c**t about it right now.

[music fades]

Eddie. Good news?

We got the painting as agreed.
We want to give it to Marco in person.

-Marco is a busy guy.
-[tiger growls]

It's just like trying to get
a meeting with the pope.

Cico, we just spent £16,000,000
on a painting that should have cost six.

Get us the f*cking meeting.

[Cico] Yep, right. Okay, okay, okay.

I'll talk to him, okay?
I'll come back to you.

Yeah, make sure it happens.

-Susie!
-f*ck!

♪ Oh, my son Tim was a bosun's mate
He could blow the whistle… ♪

Jack! Painting!

f*ck me!

Jack, get in the f*cking car!

-f*ck!
-Get in!

♪ With your too-ri-ra ♪

♪ Fol-the-da
Whack-fol-the-doodle, fol-the-di-dum… ♪

f*ck off!

[Eddie] Go, go, go! f*ck!

♪ Oh, were you drunk or were you blind… ♪

Put your earpiece in, Jack.

♪ …two fine legs behind? ♪

♪ Ochone, mavrone
But you were a silly youth… ♪

We can't afford
to lose that bloody picture, Geoffrey.

♪ With your too-ri-ra ♪

♪ Fol-the-da
Whack-fol-the-doodle, fol-the-di-dum… ♪

Take the south stairs,
see if you can steal a yard on 'em.

[Jack] Buchanan Street.

They're heading for Buchanan Street.
Take a right, see if we can cut 'em off.

♪ I was neither drunk nor neither blind
When I left my two fine legs behind… ♪

f*ck off!

Sharp left, Eddie.

One down!

♪ Fol-the-da
Whack-fol-the-doodle, fol-the-di-dum… ♪

Take a left. Cut down Lower Robert Street.

Hurry up, Jack.

There's a rat run coming up on your right.
Might be able to cut 'em off.

♪ Now I'll cross the raging main ♪

♪ To Napoleon Bonaparte
And the Queen of Spain… ♪

Two down, two to go.

♪ They took away the legs
Of a child of mine ♪

♪ With a too-ri-ra ♪

♪ Fol-the-da
Whack-fol-the-doodle, fol-the-di-dum… ♪

[Susie] Got every one,
except the one with the f*cking painting!

[man grunts]

[Jack] Over here!

You've got ten seconds
to give me a name I'm happy with.

Or what?

What you gonna do?
Suck my d*ck, you posh c**t.

Wait, what you… f*ck you!

[Blanket] Yeah. You suck my d*ck,
you cheeky c**t.

Tell you what, why don't you write down
a name we're all happy with,

and no one has to suck anyone's d*ck?

[man breathes heavily]

Spelling's atrocious. Is that a P or a B?

-[man] B…
-I'm guessing it's…

[Jack] Robert Brooks?

Excuse… Excuse me?

Famous art dealer?

-Uh, yes, that's me.
-Can I have a word?

We know you hired a couple of hood rats
to steal the painting.

I'm an art dealer.
I'm not a super villain.

What I don't understand is,

if you were planning
on stealing the picture,

why bother pushing the price up?

I swear to you,
I wasn't pushing the price up.

I was working
on behalf of a certified buyer.

[door slams]

-[Jack] All right, sis?
-Jack.

[Robert] Who's he?

I said who's he?

[continues punching]

Can I have a word?

-What the f*ck is he doing here?
-[Jack] Don't blame me.

It was the Duke that asked for him.
Anyway, you wanted a result, didn't you?

I wanted results.
I didn't want a mangled corpse.

Last time that man punched
someone in the liver, they died.

[Blanket] You want me to introduce him
to Organ John?

We're just discussing it, darling.

Would you like to meet Organ John?

I don't know. Who's Organ John?

Organ John is Organ John.

You see, John likes to refer to himself
in the third person,

and I'll let you do the math
as to why we call him Organ John.

In short, John is good at getting results.

Who the f*ck is Organ John?

[chuckles]

[Susie] I'm gonna be straight with you.

John's more of a terminal solution
to a temporary problem.

One shot from him, and you'll be drowning.
But from the inside.

Which will give us plenty of time to get
the information from you that we need.

No one likes to see
someone leave this world

in such an inelegant fashion.

f*ck it! f*ck it, f*ck it!

It wasn't my idea. I just…
I was just doing a favor for a friend.

And who would that friend be, Robert?

What's his name?

Oh. Flash Italian.

[tense classical music plays]

Goes by the name of Gino de Bambi.

By any wild stretch of the imagination,
this wouldn't be Gino de Bambi, would it?

Yeah, that's him.
That's him. Gino de Bambi.

[church bell tolls]

[Italian aria plays]

Hello?

[man speaks Italian]

[in Italian]

[in English] Mm. When in Lake Maggiore…

[speaks Italian]

-[in English] Quite the view.
-[Susie] Mm.

[music stops]

Don't wanna mix
business with pleasure, captain.

[Eddie] Oh, no.
I was simply admiring the panorama.

[Susie] No, you were picturing
what it would be like

to have breakfast here after a night
of passion with the countessa.

[laughs]

Tell me, what do you like? Fleur de Mer?

Matching set? Dark red?

Or maybe cream and white?

Actually, I was thinking
something more ambitious.

La Perla. Black. Peignoir.

Classical silk.
Diaphanous in presentation.

-Certainly very specific, Edward.
-Well, I have a particular palate, Susan.

How do you ensure
that palate is fulfilled?

-Well, I'm a captain.
-[car approaches]

I'm used to giving orders.

I bet she'll be receptive
and prepared to follow those orders.

Incoming, Your Grace.

[Cico] Eddie.

-Buongiorno.
-Buongiorno. Susie.

[groans] I'm apologizing
for my timekeeping.

But I trust, um…
my staff looked after you?

They looked after us very well.
Thank you, Cico.

Where is your glamorous girlfriend, Bella?

Ah, tonight she's in Monte Carlo.
Tomorrow she's gonna fly to Paris.

You know, the hostess who's never home.

And where, may we ask,
is, uh, Mr. Moretti?

You know, Eddie, he's not gonna make it.

-Just like my girlfriend, he's also busy.
-Ah.

Wasn't the most straightforward
of operations.

There's the fruits of our labor.

It's going to be money well spent,
trust me. Marco's gonna love it.

Only last night he told me
how much he loves that Botticelli.

He'd heard about the sale
and regrets he didn't buy it.

Good. Just a shame
that he can't be here himself.

I know.

But, um, Eddie, my friend, look.

If you want,
you can always leave the picture here.

I'll make sure he gets your elegant gift.

I think we'd rather
give it to Marco ourselves.

Since we've paid so much.

Well, he's a busy man.

You know, I know how to use
the right words with him.

Choose the right moment.

And his legs will open
like the parting of the Red Sea.

You never invited him here
in the first place, did you, Cico?

Or do you prefer
to be called Gino de Bambi?

I, uh… I… I'm so sorry, but is there
a problem here or something?

Yes, there is a problem.

[Susie] We know the picture's yours.

We know the price
was artificially inflated on your side.

And that you hired kids
to try and nick it once we'd bought it

so we'd never get the chance
to give it to Marco ourselves.

Fortunately, your subcontractors ended up
being as unreliable as you are.

[Eddie] They did that because
the entire enterprise is invention.

So, where would you like to go
from here, Cico?

[chuckles awkwardly]

[tense music plays]

[Cico] Okay.

You think you can tell me what to do?

A couple of salad sellers?

You wanna take me on?

You wanna take the f*cking Mafia on?

Why don't we ask Marco
what exactly you do for the Mafia?

And how are we going to do that, Eddie?

Well, we're gonna ask him ourselves.

I think that's him right now, isn't it?

-Believe so.
-[Eddie] Mm.

You see, because you didn't call him,
we did. And we brought him up to speed.

[Susie] And you're right.
He's very excited about the painting.

First he'd heard of it, apparently.

[tense music builds]

f*ck.

[Marco speaks Italian]

[Cico in Italian]

-[music fades]
-[Marco speaks Italian]

[in English] Quiet. Be quiet now.
Uh, the grown-ups are talking now.

[in Italian]

[Cico]

[shouts in Italian]

[in English] Eddie, nice to meet you.
Thank you for your call.

I'm sorry we are meeting like this.

How should we resolve this situation?

Mr. Moretti,

this is your country, your rules.

And I'm confident that you are best placed
to decide the appropriate outcome.

[in Italian]

[in English] But in my experience, uh,

kindness is always mistaken for weakness.

Cico, you are a snake.

Pretty to look at. Dirty to touch.

It hurts me
because it will hurt my goddaughter.

And I think you don't know
where is your place in the food chain.

So,

I will show you.

[tiger growls]

[tiger roars]

[panicked breathing]

[growls]

[man in Italian]

[Marco]

[muffled screaming]

[in English] Cico was always a…
a messy guy.

Maybe this is the fitting end for him.

So moving forward,
we could, uh, come to an understanding.

-You appreciate that, don't you?
-Of course.

[Marco] This operation you have set up

within the grounds
of my goddaughter's estate, eh,

if I well understand,
there are others like it?

Well, as it happens,

we are keen to set up
further operations in the south,

in the fullness of time,
with someone that we, uh, could rely upon.

Oof. We could help a lot in the south.

-[cage rattles]
-[muffled shouting]

How about five million a month
for your protection and support?

[muffled shouting]

[tiger growls]

[poignant music plays]

-Thank you.
-[Cico yells]

Enzo!

[in Italian]

[roars]

[muffled straining]

[in English] Fifteen.

[muffled screaming]

Seven and a half.

Ten.

Can he be trusted?

-[tiger growls]
-[muffled screaming]

[in Italian]

[Cico yells]

[dramatic operatic music plays]

[roars]

[panicked shouting]

[muffled screaming]

[in English] I look forward
to doing business.

Can the Duke be trusted?

[muffled screaming]

[in Italian]

[muffled screaming]

[muffled shouting]

Enzo!

[in Italian]

[muffled screaming]

[tiger growls]

[Cico breathes shakily]

[tiger snarls]

[in English] Right.

[music fades]