Personal Property (1937)

[bunniefuu]

I think I'm justified in saying

that the Dabney line...

of women's hosiery and

undergarments is second...

- Second?

- Second to none.

Underline "second", underline "none".

...in the United Kingdom or the Empire

for that matter.

If the sales are falling, comma,

and they are falling, comma,

underline "are",

it is to you, a sales manager,

that we look for an explanation.

Miss Briggs, how many years have you been

making what for convenience I call "my tea"?

What's wrong with it this time,

Mr. Dabney?

Why, nothing. Except that it tastes

absolutely filthy.

- Claude!

- What's the matter, Father?

Miss Briggs, you may go.

Prepare for a shock.

- He's out.

- Out? Raymond?

- Yes, Raymond.

- But it isn't six months, I thought...

- Sentence reduced. Good behavior.

- Good behavior! How did you know about it?

I just heard your mother on

the wire. He rang her up...

He's on his way home.

Shall we go?

- None of that nonsense, Father.

- Yes, but after all, it's...

- Up till now we've kept it dark, you know

what would happen if it got about.

There mustn't be any scandal.

Nice for Crystal to find we've a jailbird

in the family, wouldn't it?

Do you think it would make

any difference?

Make any difference?

The only difference it would make is that

Crystal and I wouldn't be married...

...and she'd take herself and her

capital back to America.

Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear.

Perhaps you'll tell me where we'd get

our new capital from then.

We must keep it dark.

We can't have him in the house, I tell you.

I thought we'd agreed about that.

- I'm not going back on it.

- Be firm!

Yes, I am firm... Yes, I'm firm,

I'm very firm.

That's right!

Raymond!

Oh, Raymond... it's Raymond!

Oh... Oh, Raymond!

- Oh, I'm glad to see you!

- Now don't you let me down!

I'm not going to!

- Are you all right?

- Perfectly.

Oh, darling, it's been such

a terribly long time.

Oh, now, Mother, please.

Here, your nose'll get wet.

Now come on, come on, blow.

Blow... blow!

Harder, come on, harder, harder.

That's better.

Oh, my darling son!

You know, Mother, you know,

I think you've gained.

No, no, I've lost six pounds.

Oh, really? Well, perhaps I'm

getting weak, huh?

- Oh, Raymond...

- What, more tears?

Now, will you tell my why you cry when

I come home? Are you sorry I'm back?

Oh, darling, don't say such

silly, silly things.

After all when your son goes to jail,

you're expected to cry...

...but when he comes home,

well that's something different.

I won't do it any more, dear.

Oh, I've been so sorry

for you, Raymond.

You're so very young, dear,

and they've treated you so harshly.

Now, don't you be so sure about that.

- It wasn't such a terrible place and...

- Oh!

No, no, and in many ways I think

it was a very good thing.

I met some very interesting people.

And I'm fit and well,

I've never been fitter.

I'm all right now, Mother.

Oh... you shouldn't have gone.

If Father and Claude were

more sympathetic.

Let's not talk any more about it.

The whole thing was my fault and...

...it's over and done with,

I've paid my debt to society.

And now there are only two

things I want.

And it wouldn't be the first time

that you've given them both to me.

A kiss and a hot bath.

- Father... Father, he's here.

- Where is he?

He's taking a bath.

And I suppose he's used up

all the hot water by now.

- Remember, Claude, he's your brother.

- The more is the pity.

Oh, you're not going to be

hard with him, Father?

Certainly not, it's simply a matter of

business. Father and I will attend to it.

Oh no, Fa...

He's in here, Father.

Well, Raymond... are you back?

No, not yet.

I expect to any minute.

- Glad to see you.

- Oh... how do you do, how do you do?

Oh, excuse the soap.

Hello, Claude, I'm very well, thank you.

Flippant as ever. Will nothing ever

teach you that life is serious?

Well, would it do me much good just now

to feel that life was so serious?

Now remember we've come here

especially to talk to you.

That's very thoughtful of you.

Won't you, um... sit down?

- Such facetiousness!

- Facetiousness?

Such impudence!

- I'll be with you in a moment, gentlemen.

- Pity they let him out!

- If I had my way...

- Claude, I'll handle this my way!

- Okay, let's get it over with, Father.

- Get it over? Get what over?

Well, I'm in for a sermon,

let's have it.

A sermon, do you hear that, Father,

a sermon!

Will you stop shouting

and leave this to me?

Now, Raymond, you went to a

first-class school at my expense.

And a first-class prison at my own,

my education is complete.

Be quiet! I feel that I've done

enough for you.

I'm not bound to do anything more.

I haven't asked you yet.

- Have you any money?

- Yes, I can let you have a few shillings.

There you are!

Now, in spite of everything, in spite of the

disgrace that you have brought upon me,

...and mine, I'm going to do

one more thing for you.

I'm prepared to pay your fare

to some part of the world...

...where you can make a fresh start.

On top of that, I'm going to give you

three hundred pounds.

- It was two hundred, Father!

- Three hundred!

Four hundred, do I hear any more?

Listen to me, Father!

Four hundred, going at four hundred,

ladies and gentlemen, it's dirty cheap.

Shut up! Now, as to where you go...

that's a matter for you to decide.

That is, if you can decide

anything for yourself.

- I suggest Canada.

- Leave that to him.

- Too wide Canada.

- Australia then.

Too narrow, in the physical sense,

of course.

How about Lithuania?

You can go to Timbuctu, if you like,

only go!

What, like this?

Really, Raymond, I think Father's

offer is generous enough.

Be quiet!

Now, is there any place that

you'd like to go to?

Well, there's only one place

that I know of that fills the bill.

Well?

A place where no one asks you any questions,

therefore doesn't have to be told any lies.

A place where no one cares about

your past, still less about your future.

A place where there's plenty of

money, people, excitement,

opportunity, playing of living.

- And where may that be?

- London.

Now wait a minute!

Father, I really want to thank you

for your kind offer...

...to send me to Canada or Australia,

however, I think it shows a regrettable

lack of consideration...

...for the colonies and therefore

I must refuse it.

- You've no right to refuse it.

- Oh, I'm tired of being punished.

- My crime wasn't so serious.

- Not so serious?

Was it?

To buy a motorcar and sell it without

having paid for it, not serious?

But you and Claude spend

your whole lives...

...buying women's underwear on credit

and immediately selling it.

- With profit!

- Yes, but I'm not so sure that isn't worse.

Come to think of it, perhaps it's you

who should go to the colonies.

That's enough.

Come, Claude.

Oh, Father, just... just a moment.

I... I see your point, and I want

to cooperate.

I'll change my name and grow

a long gray beard.

Raymond... Raymond, stop laughing.

What are you going to do?

I'm leaving, by request,

a very special request.

You're not going to do anything

of the kind.

I heard them.

Canada, Australia, Ti...Tim...

something or other.

They don't care really,

so long as I go.

- Wh-where can you go, dear?

- Oh, I don't know, a hotel...

Now, now, don't worry about me,

I'll get a job.

- But why the hurry?

- That's what I'd like to know.

I think it's poor old Claude, he's terrified

people will find out about me.

Oh, of course, his engagement.

Eng... engagement? Claude?

Yes, it isn't official yet.

But just the same...

You mean to say that a woman actually

exists who's willing to put up with...

I mean, who's... who wants to

marry Claude?

- What's she like?

- Oh, we haven't met her yet.

I understand she's very beautiful...

and well-off.

Ah, so that's it. Wealthy spinster marries

into a... dilapidated underwear business.

Raymond, really!

We are asked to announce that a famous

spinster has found a husband...

...and a famous business has found

some capital.

Oh now, Raymond, I...

Oh, Raymond, don't you need a little

capital yourself, dear?

I have a few pounds on me.

Oh, thank you, Mother.

I'm all right. I'm not entirely strapped.

But surely dear, I...

Now don't you worry about me.

But do you know that you're

terribly sweet and I love you?

Mr. Raymond, this is a surprise!

Thought you'd deserted us, sir.

Been abroad?

- How are you, Frank?

- Very good, sir.

What shall it be, sir, a dry Martini?

No, I think I'll have some whisky, Frank,

I'm a little depressed.

Depressed? Well, don't drink whisky,

Mr. Raymond.

Allow me to suggest the champagne c*ck.

Drinks are like lifts, Mr. Raymond.

Whisky sends you down into the cellar

and champagne up to the roof.

Are you an old fool or an old

philosopher, Frank?

You have to be both, sir,

to be a waiter.

I have a little philosophy, sir.

I borrowed it from the poet Browning.

but I improved it, sir, developed it a bit.

"Zest in quest...

keep going, get somewhere."

Going where, what's the quest?

The quest is of no importance, sir.

It's the zest that matters.

Zest in quest...

Thanks.

- Good evening, madam.

- A champagne c*ck, please.

- Certainly, madam.

- Make it two, Frank.

- Two, sir?

- Thank you.

I hope you don't mind my

following your example.

No? Good!

- Um, haven't we met somewhere before?

- No, we have not.

- Very foolish of us, wasn't it?

- That is a matter of opinion.

Your face seems strangely

familiar to me.

So do your manners.

Now don't pretend to be in a hurry because

the opera doesn't start till 8 o'clock.

Opera? How did you know

I was going to the opera?

You have the tickets in your hand.

Very elementary, my dear Mrs. Watson.

Good night, Mr. Phylo Vance.

- Good night and goodbye.

- Now please, don't be angry.

- Waiter, do you know Miss Catherine Burns?

- Yes, madam, shall I phone her room?

No, she isn't there now, but will you

please give her these tickets...

and tell her that I took the

liberty of going alone?

Yes, madam.

Oh, and waiter, you might call the

manager and tell him that, um...

the person who's responsible

for sweeping out the lounge, um...

...neglected one of his duties.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, she's beautiful, Frank.

How could I help it?

Help what, Mr. Raymond?

Help yourself, Frank.

Good luck, sir.

Zest in quest!

- Well?

- There you are!

What does this mean?

This happens to be my box.

- Do you have a ticket?

- Of course I have, Box B.

Quite right, sit down.

Now look here, young man,

this box happens to...

The music, sit down.

Will you please tell me what

you're doing in this box?

Trying to listen to the music,

will you stop talking?

- Will you leave instantly?

- Don't be so inhospitable.

I shall send for the manager.

- He's probably on his way here now.

- I will not stand for this!

- Well, what's your answer?

- Answer, what are you driving at?

Didn't you hear me?

You can't get away with this... I'm sick of

your insolence. I won't put up with this!

I'll call the attendant,

I'll call the police, I'll call...

That's what you get for making a family

scene in public. Wait until we get home.

Taxi!... Zest in quest!

- What place, sir?

- Follow that taxi, you'll find out.

Um... why don't you look

in your shoe?

- Clara!

- Yes, madam?

- Clara, please change the music.

- Yes, Madam, certainly, madam.

Good evening, madam, you're back early.

Wasn't the opera nice?

- Will you please go answer the doorbell?

- Answer the doorbell?

It's best not to answer the bell

anymore in this house, madame.

If I'd answered that bell every

time it rang today,

the house should be full of

creditors by now.

The man for the radio installments, the man

for the last three months' rent,

the butcher, the baker and the

candlestick maker, oh, no...

Don't get hysterical, Clara,

it won't do any good.

- Let them ring, that's what I say.

- Clara, this isn't a creditor.

- That's what you say, madam.

- Will you please go answer the door?

- Is that an order, madam?

- Yes it is, Clara.

Oh, very well. Once more into

the breach, dear friends.

Oh, dear.

Morning, noon and night, these goings-on.

Madame if I weren't fond of you...

- Don't grumble, Clara.

- Well, why not? I'm single-handed, ain't I?

Cook's left, Stephen's left,

I have to grumble.

- Who was it at the door, Clara?

- I don't know, Madam.

- Well, didn't you ask him?

- I did.

- And what did he say?

- He said he was the Rajah of Bombay.

Even I could see that wasn't true.

Then he smiled.

Oh, he smiled, did he?

Operator, give me the Police Station.

- They seem to be out.

- No, on the contrary.

We seem to be out, they're in.

- Then why don't they answer?

- Perhaps they can't hear.

Well, I'll tell you why they don't answer.

Because they think it's me.

Yes. Or me.

- Are you sure they're in?

- Positive.

Funny, the maid told me sixteen times

this morning there was no one at home.

I saw her go in myself.

Then I shall stop here until

they do answer.

So shall I.

Well, since we're going to spend

such a lot of time together,

perhaps we should introduce

ourselves.

- Raymond Dabney.

- Herbert Jenkins, how do you do?

How do you do?

Do you spend a lot of time here,

Mr. Jenkins?

On and off. I've been here

all day, you might say.

At least since 8 o'clock this morning.

You must get very lonely!

- Think I ought to ring again?

- Doesn't seem to do any harm.

- Good.

- Very inconsiderate this sort of thing.

- You mean for them or for us?

- For us. Especially for me.

I might tell you... I'm having a baby

some time this evening.

- Um... having a what?

- Baby.

- Is it the first time this has happened?

- The first.

Well now... do you think you should

be out here now?

That's the trouble, I ought

to be in the hospital.

- Yes, of course.

- It might happen any minute now.

Good gracious, I hope not.

- How much is yours for?

- My what?

Oh... oh, yes, a bill, huh?

Well, um... um...

Now... I don't think you should leave

your wife alone at a time like this.

it's mighty serious business

having a baby.

Well do I know it.

Well, perhaps I could be

of some assistance to you.

Blimey, I wonder if you could.

- What's that, Clara?

- Smelling salts,

I thought you might need

them, madam.

Hello.

Oh, Catherine, how are y...

Aren't you at the opera?

But I gave them to the waiter.

Yes, at your hotel.

He didn't?

But I don't understand.

Oh, no, I came home with

a frightful headache.

- Crystal's got a headache.

- Headache? Oh, let me talk to her.

Just a minute, darling, Mother wants

to talk to you for a couple of hours.

Oh, dear. Hello Crystal darling,

is that you?

Oh, it is?

Oh, you poor darling.

Is it really just a headache

or is it neuralgia?

What? Both, oh!

Well, I'll tell you what to do.

Take some cottonseed, just a handful,

And have you got some boiling water?

Oh, you have got the boiling water.

Well, be sure the water is

absolutely boiling.

All right.

All... all right.

Goodbye.

Goodbye!

- Madam, madam, it's the police, the police!

- Fine!

Good evening, Mrs. Wetherby,

you sent for someone?

- I certainly did and with reason.

- Happy to accomodate you, ma'am.

I want that man arrested

and thrown in jail.

He accosted me in the Sheffield Hotel,

then followed me to the theater

and now I find him in my home.

- He's only doing his duty, ma'am.

- Duty, ma'am.

Is it his duty to follow me

all over the place?

I'm afraid it is, they're entirely

within their rights.

But then they're... Well, I like that!

Who do you think you are anyway?

Now, if I might offer a few words

of explanation...

- Better leave this to me, Jenkins.

- Oh, thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Well, you'd better leave it to me too.

I won't stand for any more of this nonsense.

Now how about getting

out of my house?

- Clara, put them out!

- What... me... me, madam?

Just a minute, mum, if I might presume

to offer a bit of advice...

I didn't ask for advice,

I asked for help.

I'm very sorry, ma'am.

Is there anything else?

Anything else? You haven't done

anything yet!

You see, ma'am, these gentlemen

are bailiffs, they've a writ.

Oh, will you stop saying things

I don't understand.

What are bailiffs and what's a writ?

This is a writ, Mrs. Wetherby.

Carry on, gentlemen, I'm sure you'll find

Mrs. Wetherby very reasonable.

What do you mean reasonable?

Good night, ma'am, happy to have

been of assistance.

Um... I take it you're a sheriff.

A bailiff, ma'am, Mr. Herbert Jenkins.

And, er... what's he supposed to be?

The sheriff's officer, ma'am.

Read it, we must do things orderly.

Follow the lad closely, lady.

- Writ: fieri facias...

- Fieri facias.

Oh, yes, the old pronunciation.

Writ: fieri facias...

In the High Court of Justice King's

Bench Division, n. G-83,

...between Griselda Limited plaintiff,

and Mrs. Crystal Wetherby... defendant,

George VI, by the grace of God

of Great Britain,

Ireland and the British Dominion beyond

the sea, King, defender of the faith...

- All of this?

- Go on, get on with it.

...to the sheriff of the County

of London, greetings.

- Greetings, that's nice.

- Shh!

We commend you that the goods and

chattels of Mrs. Crystal Wetherby in your...

- Bailiwick.

- Bailiwick...

you cause to be made a sum of

?483, 7 shillings...

and also interest thereon at the

rate of ?5 per annum...

I see.

I rather gather what it's all about.

Now, how about getting out

of my house?

I'll send you a check in the morning.

Thank you so much.

- Good night!

- I'm very sorry, ma'am,

but I have to leave my man here

until the money's paid.

- You have to what?

- It's the law.

He has to stay here to see that

nothing's moved from the house.

He has to stay here?

Are you insane?

It's not me, ma'am, it's the law.

You can get rid of him anytime

by paying the money in full.

- Plus his fee of eight and six per day here.

- That's very reasonable...

I'll settle with you later!

When you settle with him,

he'll go.

In the meanwhile don't you worry,

he's a gentleman as you can see.

He has his orders, treat him right

and he'll treat you right.

There you are, my lad, the

man in possession.

Wait a minute! What do you mean

man in possession?

Man in possession of what, me?

- Well, you see...

- Will you let me get a word in edgeways?

- Who are you anyway?

- A bailiff for the County of...

- Sheriff's officer, if you please.

- Sheriff's officer.

Sheriff's officer, well you go

right back to the sheriff and tell him...

...if he wants to take possession

of me, he'd better come himself.

And if you're half as smart

as I think you are,

you get out before I say

something rude!

- She's a bit stuffy, you know?

- She's glorious.

- Eh?

- I said she's furious.

Well, tada. Thanks very much

for helping me out.

Not at all, thank you very much

for the job, but...

- Does she really owe all this money?

- You bet.

This is ridiculous.

She must be well off.

It always happens to that kind. Now, you're

new on the job so I'll give you a few hints.

Thank you very much.

All you have to do is to stay here

until the judgement is satisfied.

I see.

See that nothing is moved,

watch everybody that goes out.

And don't let them put you nowhere

where you can't see nothing, see?

Do it all with fine gentlemanly feeling,

and if you can find yourself a job

about the house, all the better.

It'll help you to pass the time!

I don't think you'll have to worry

about that.

And remember, try and behave

like a gentleman.

I'll try. Of course this is the first

time I've been a bailiff and...

Not a bailiff. Sheriff's officer

if you please.

And in that capacity, be helpful,

courteous and considerate.

And establish pleasant personal

relationships.

- You can rely on me.

- Well, tada, see you later.

Clara... do you think it's awful

to marry for money?

No, madam, not for a lot of money.

- You're very practical, aren't you?

- Thank you, madam.

- I'm afraid we haven't a chance.

- Why not, madam?

With that man downstairs he'd ruin

any chance we ever had.

Oh, I wish we could get rid of him.

- Would you like me to poison him, madam?

- Oh no, Clara, let's not be too enthusiastic.

No, madam.

How did the late Mr. Wetherby

pass on, madam?

- Oh, he used to love to fight.

- Hm, the fighting type.

Hm, I've experienced them.

Yeah, and he always won, except the last

time he picked a tiger... a Benghal tiger.

Kind of overmatched hisself

as you might say.

Oh, definitely.

Well, Mr. Sheriff man?

Er... Sheriff's officer, please...

I was just admiring your smiling

friends here.

Rather nice, aren't they?

Say... they must have cost

a tidy sum, huh?

Cost? Oh, we didn't buy them.

- No?

- No, my husband shot them.

Husband?

When he comes back from Africa,

he always brings whole boatloads...

...of this sort of thing.

He's one of the world's

very best marksmen.

That's very interesting.

Ah, you're smiling.

You know? It's the first time

that I've seen you smile.

And if I do say so, it's very,

very becoming.

I'm not a bad loser, really, although

you did trick your way into the house.

But I'll make the best of it,

I suppose.

Well, I'll tell you what we'll do.

You'll make the best of me,

I'll make the best of you.

That's hardly an even thing.

Um, come along and I'll show you your room.

But don't you, er... don't you think

we could talk a little first?

- Is that one of your duties?

- Absolutely.

- I suppose you have a name.

- Oh, yes, yes, my friends call me... Bobo.

Nevertheless, you sleep in

the butler's room.

Just a moment, where is this

butler's room?

Just off the kitchen.

- And where do you sleep?

- Upstairs!

- Well, then I sleep upstairs too.

- Now see here, young man...

I... I'm very sorry, but it's my duty.

- You have a guest room, don't you?

- Yes.

Well, whether you like it or not,

I'm the guest.

- All right, Mr...

- Bobo to you.

Bobo to you!

Very charming house you have here,

Mrs. Wetherby.

I like it. I think English houses

are adorable, don't you?

Adorable... Crystal.

- Um, is that one of your duties also?

- No, that is my own idea.

- Then let's stick to business.

- You won't like it.

- Well, I'll try it if you don't mind.

- If you do, you'll hate me by tomorrow.

- Well, I'm not exactly fond of you now.

- How could you be, you scarcely know me.

Must you keep your eyes on me

all the time?

It's all in the line of duty.

And I love my work.

By the way, how much

did you pay that bailiff?

- Pay him?

- For the job.

You think you're very clever,

don't you?

Well... I wanted the job

very badly, really I did.

Hm, you needed the eight and

sixpence a day.

We have much in common,

Mrs. Wetherby.

This is your room.

- And where is your room if I may ask?

- You're not backward by any chance?

- It's my duty.

- Oh, the duty again.

My room is just across the hall.

- You mean there?

- There.

Well, I have to be sure you don't remove

all the furniture during the night.

Ah, you read my mind!

Now you read mine.

- What do you think of it?

- Charming.

- I, er... hope you'll be comfortable.

- Yes, I'm sure I will be!

- Except um... haven't any pajamas.

- Oh, that's too bad.

- Perhaps I can lend you some.

- You can lend me some?

- Hm-hmm.

- Think they'll be big enough?

Well, you may have a little trouble

getting them over your head.

Outside of that, I think they'll be

big enough for you.

Now you look just like a stick of

peppermint candy. Good night.

- These... these belong to your husband?

- Yes.

I hope he won't mind my using them.

Oh, I'm sure he won't. They were

too small for him anyway.

- Is your husband in Africa?

- In Africa? Oh no, he isn't in Africa.

Good night.

Good night, Mrs. Wetherby.

Oh, darling, I'll only be a minute.

Oh, and don't be cross with me.

And don't drink any more.

- It's my husband, it's my husband.

- Well, what of it?

You don't understand. He's so

quick-tempered, and so jealous.

Something awful might happen.

- Well... what do you want me to about it?

- Oh, come with me, please, for my sake.

For your sake?

Good night.

- Your bag, sir.

- Oh, yes, yes, thank you very much.

- Here you are.

- Thank you, sir.

Now I can get dressed.

Good morning, Clara, good morning.

Come in.

Bon jour, madame.

Now don't ask me to tell you who

told me about your little joke...

...because I promised Clara

I wouldn't tell.

As we see,

that though the late Mr. Wetherby's head

was small, his feet were large.

Is that so? Well, with you it's just

the other way around.

Would you be good enough

to shut the door?

- It's already shut.

- On your way, out!

Oh, you mean you'd rather I left.

I mean I'd rather you had

not come at all.

That's a fine way to talk to me after

the fine night I had to put in.

That bed down there,

no wonder your butler left.

- Will you take off that silly-looking hat?

- Oh, yes, yes.

Where's Clara?

She's down in the kitchen trying

to find the breakfast.

Hello? Who is it?

Oh, it's you, darling?

It's nice of you to call me so early.

Oh, no, I've been awake for ages.

Where are you?

The late Mr. Wetherby...

say hello for me.

Will you shut up and go away?

No, not you, darling,

I was just talking to the dog.

What was that? I can't...

Oh, have I missed you? Of course

I have, I always do.

- I said you were adorable.

- What was that? I didn't hear.

Wait, hold the line a minute.

Listen!

There must be something wrong

with the line.

Will you say that again, please?

Adorable! Adorable, adorable!

Did you hear that now?

What do you mean no?

Oh well, never mind, I'll see you

tonight anyhow.

Yes, yes, I'm bringing

my father and mother.

No, not brother, I haven't got a brother.

I said "mother"!

All right, good-bye, sweetheart.

Oh, so you got your breakfast?

- How did it get there?

- By the dumb waiter.

- But we haven't any.

- Yes we have. Very.

You better get downstairs, mister.

The bailiff's looking for you.

- Oh, will you excuse me, please?

- It'll be a pleasure.

- It's a boy, it's a boy!

- What is... Oh, yes, yes!

- I thought you'd like to know.

- Yes.

- I was wondering what it was.

- Eight pounds fourteen.

- How much?

- Eight pounds fourteen.

I don't quite understand,

I thought that, er...

- That's his weight, that's what he weighs.

- Oh, I see... I thought that...

I thought you were trying

to borrow some money.

- And he's got his father's nose exactly.

- No!

- How do you account for that?

- But exactly,

the first thing the doctor said, "It's a boy

and he's got his father's nose."

Isn't that nice?

By the way, anything to report?

- No, no, nothing.

- How's she taking it?

Well... quite well, quite well.

Of course, I think we'd better

keep an eye on her.

- Oh, tricky, eh?

- Yes.

Oh, good morning, ma'am. I just popped

around to see if everything was shipshape.

Is that so, well everything is just as

shipshape as it can be whatever that means.

Yes, ma'am. Now how about it?

How about my little check?

Oh, the check? Oh, yes, the check...

I'm afraid you'll have to come

back a little later.

Oh, very good ma'am, very good.

About what time?

- Well, a little later.

- Oh, very well.

Um, Mr. Bailiff... would you do

something for me?

With pleasure, mum.

I'm having a few guests in for dinner and...

I'd really like to be alone.

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, but..

Oh, you wouldn't want to

embarass me, would you?

No, ma'am, no,

but my man here...

Oh, if you could just have him out of the

house from six until midnight, please.

I'm sorry, ma'am, orders is orders.

I'd oblige if I could but I can't.

Good morning, ma'am.

- What's wrong?

- Wrong? Everything.

- Oh, is that all?

- Well, can't you see the spot I'm in.

I'm having a dinner party

and you're in the house.

Is it an important dinner party?

Of course it's important,

I've invited my fianc?!

Your what?

My fianc?'s bringing his parents for dinner.

I don't want the house full of bill collectors.

Well, isn't there anyone you

can get the money from?

No, there isn't anyone...

Can you lend it to me?

- No, no, I wish I could.

- That's awfully sweet of you.

I wish you could too.

Haven't you any friends,

family or something?

No, all my real friends are as broke as I am

and my family's in Des Moines, Iowa.

Um, have you ever heard

of Des Moines, Iowa?

No.

Well, that'll give you a rough

idea of where it is.

Well... how did you get into

this fix, Mrs. Wetherby?

Oh, quite easily, I just married

Mr. Wetherby.

- Well, he's dead.

- Hm-hmm.

Didn't he leave you anything?

How could he, he didn't have anything,

except our dumb friends on the wall.

Hm, I see.

Where, um... where did you meet

Mr. Wetherby?

On the boat coming over. I won a contest and

the first prize was a trip to Europe.

Well, that was nice anyway.

Yes, it certainly was, except they

only gave me a one-way ticket.

What kind of a contest was this?

Bathing beauties?

It was sort of intelectual.

What do you mean bathing beauties?

Are you intelectual too?

Well, I had to think of

a slogan for canned fish.

- A slogan for canned fish?

- Hm-hmm.

What did you think of?

- Would you really like to know?

- Certainly.

"If you can't fish, canned fish."

- Er... What?

- If you can't fish, canned fish.

If you can't fish, canned fish...

- That's marvelous.

- Do you like it?

You have a genius for such

things, haven't you?

Oh, it's nothing.

With a mind like yours you should

go a long way.

Um... I have.

And then you married Mr. Wetherby...

I think he married me,

I wasn't really noticing.

- Are you noticing this time?

- You bet your life I am.

I'm not taking any chances. I like him,

he's got lots of money, tons of it.

Then you have to come barging in

just at this critical time

Now... now just a moment,

perhaps I can help you.

Not if you can't evaporate.

How are you going to take care

of these people tonight?

- What do you mean?

- Well...

Two of your servants have already left,

you haven't even a butler.

- What of it?

- What of it?

- Who's going to serve the dinner?

- Clara.

I thought she had to do the cooking.

Certainly, can't she do more

than one thing at a time?

- Well, I don't know, but I doubt it.

- What's your big idea?

Simply this, I can't evaporate, but I can

cooperate as part of my duties.

- Well.

- I was thinking that I might buttle for you.

- Buttle... what's buttle?

- Er... that's the infinitive of butler.

I buttle, thou buttlest, he buttles.

- You mean you...

- Yes!

I know something about wines and you saw

this morning how I handle a tray.

So tonight I'll be the butler instead of

the sheriff's officer, what do you say?

What do I say, it's a grand idea.

Would you do that?

For you I would, yes.

But wait a minute, you haven't

got any uniform.

Oh, good heavens, I must have

left it in my last place.

Maybe my butler did the same thing.

Come on, let's see.

Well, um... here's to my creditors.

Right... may you never be able

to pay them!

- I think you make a wonderful butler.

- Thank you.

- Except I don't like your name.

- Raymond, you don't like that, hm?

- No, not for a butler?

- Well, let's see... how about Braddon?

Braddon... Braddon?

Dignified but not outlandish

if I may say so, madame.

Um, bring the beef, Braddon.

Take the coffee, Braddon...

- No, I don't like it.

- You don't like it. Well, how about, um...

Ferguson?

Come here, Ferguson...

Go away, Ferguson...

- Pick the potato off the floor, Ferguson.

- Do you like that?

All right, you're Ferguson from

now on, and don't forget it.

With a name like that Mrs. Burns

will go crazy about you.

- Mrs. Burns? Who is she?

- You'll see!

"Crystal, darling, where did you get him?

I mean, the treasure!"

"Oh, he's too wonderful,

and with such a profile!

"Oh, you are the luckiest thing, I mean

the way you attract that kind of butler."

By the way, do you know

anything about announcing?

Well, I've never been a butler

before, but I...

I guess you just ask their name

and announce.

- I guess we'd better...

- Now, wait, wait just a moment.

What's that?

Don't you see, that's the front door.

You're on the outside, the door is closed,

- and you ring the bell.

- Oh.

Okay... Who am I?

- You're Mrs. Burns, aren't you?

- Certainly not, I'm her daughter.

Am I late? I always am.

Is mother here yet?

I'm sure she's here,

she's always too punctual.

I'm Catherine Burns... what's your name?

- Ferguson, madame.

- Hm, Crystal's fianc?.

No, madame, Mrs. Wetherby's butler.

Oh, I thought you were

someone important.

Well you could be someone important.

What I mean is, I think you do

look rather important.

Um... announce me, please.

And let that be a lesson to you.

Butlers and bailiffs are never as

important as they look.

Miss Burns.

That's fine, every inch a butler.

Thanks. Who's next?

Lord Carstairs.

I thought he'd give the party... class.

- Lord Carstairs?

- Uh-huh.

Peer of the Realm, 140 years old

and very absent-minded.

- Don't be suprised if he's wearing galoshes.

- Galoshes, this time of the year?

That's the absent-mindedness.

But I think he'd better take them off

before he comes in for dinner.

- Lord Carstairs... the arrival of.

- Right.

- Haven't rung the bell yet.

- I said he was absent-minded.

Sorry.

- Thank you, my man.

- Good evening, Milord.

- Am I expected?

- Certainly, Milord.

The devil I am! Who's house is this?

- Mrs. Wetherby's, Milord.

- Oh, yes, to be sure, to be sure!

- Shall I remove the galoshes, Milord?

- What? Oh, to be sure, to be sure.

Thank you, my man, thank you.

Don't announce me, hang it all,

I'm an old friend of the family.

But you do announce him, nevertheless.

It'll impress the Dabneys.

- The who?

- The Dabneys.

My fianc?, Mr. Dabney,

and his mother and father.

What's the matter?

- I thought you said Dabney.

- I did say the Dabneys.

- D-a-b-n-e-y?

- Yes.

Claude Dabney and Mr. and Mrs. Dabney?

- That's right, can you remember the name?

- Yes, I'm sure I can.

- They're very lovely people.

- I'm sure they are.

You'd better answer it.

Don't leave me here barefooted!

And don't be surprised, Mother,

if Crystal seems a little outspoken.

She doesn't mean it, she's American.

- And, well... you know what Americans are.

- Yes, indeed we do.

And by the way, Mother,

not a word about Raymond.

Raymond!

- What... what on earth!

- May I have your hats, please?

- Thank you very much.

- Oh dear, of dear...

- Just a minute, what are you doing here?

- Your overcoats, thank you very much.

- Listen, Raymond...

- Just one moment...

Steady, Father, steady, Father!

Whom shall I announce, please?

Thank you very much.

This is preposterous.

Keep your head, Father, I'll find out

what's happening.

Mr. e Mrs. Dabney and Claude Dabney.

Darling, this is Mother.

My dear Mrs. Dabney, I have

looked forward to meeting you.

This is a pleasure, a great pleasure.

- And this is Father.

- How do you do, Mr. Dabney?

Won't you come in and sit down?

- What a nice butler you have, my dear.

- Ferguson? Oh, I'm glad you like him.

- May I take your wrap?

- Oh, I'll just throw it down here.

Well, Mother, what do you think?

- What do you say, Father?

- I'm speechless.

Father speechless!

Your butler, he's new, isn't he?

What happened to Stevens?

Oh, he just walked out,

they do that, you know.

- And how did you get this man?

- He just happened along, pure luck.

Claude, won't you sit down,

you do seem so restless.

- Yes, what's the matter with you, Claude?

- I restless?

That's a good one!

My cigarette case... Oh, It's in my

overcoat. Excuse me a moment.

Won't you please sit down?

- What are you doing here?

- Who told you you could wear my hat?

- Never mind about the hat. How did you know?

- Know?

- About Crystal. I suppose Mother told you.

- No, no one told me anything.

Don't lie. You must have known, You just

came here to embarrass everyone.

- I suppose you think it's funny.

- Yes, I do, rather. Even you should see that.

I'm afraid I haven't got any sense

of humor, I told you to clear out!

- I can't do that.

- Oh yes you can, and you will.

I've only just come. Aren't I allowed

to earn an honest living?

- Honest?

- Yes. I'm employed here as a butler.

Did you say who you were?

I, giving away our family secret?

And my own brother thinks that...

- Clear out, will you?

- No.

Very well, Crystal will kick you out.

I'll see to that.

Oh, she will, uh? How much would you

like to bet? I need a little money.

- Good evening, Mrs. Burns.

- This is Mrs. Burns.

- How do you do.

- Good evening, madame.

Oh, good evening, er... er...

- Ferguson, madame

- Oh yes, of course... Ferguson!

Um, now let me see... Catherine, dear,

just where did we see Ferguson before?

- His face is so familiar.

- Not to me it isn't.

You never have any memory

for faces.

- Could it have been in Cairo, madame?

- Yes, of course, that's it, Cairo.

Just a minute, Mother, you've

never been to Cairo.

Oh, haven't I? I thought I had.

Well, now that I think of it, I've never

been to Cairo myself, madame.

That's funny. Have you ever

been to Cairo, dear?

- Not that I can remember, I haven't.

- Then it can't have been in Cairo.

- What a coincidence.

- Isn't it a small world?

We must get to the bottom

of this, Ferguson.

By all means, madame.

- Hello, Crystal, can we join the party?

- Hello, Crystal!

- Mrs. Burns and Miss Burns.

- You don't say so!

Crystal, darling, how are you?

Has it gone, I mean, the headache?

- You know, Ferguson...

- Yes, won't you come in?

You know, first we thought

it was from Cairo...

I hope we haven't embarrassed

you, Ferguson.

Be a butler!

Most extraordinary, the moment

I saw him...

I said to myself, I've seen you

somewhere before, I said.

Yes, his face seems familiar

to me too.

Oh, really, is that so?

- He's good-looking, isn't he?

- Good-looking?

Oh, his profile is positively classic.

Have you seen it?

But Crystal, darling, haven't you

been well? You look so tired.

Oh no, I've been all right. But needless

to say, you're the picture of health.

You've gained, haven't you.

Very becoming, though.

- What is it, Ferguson?

- May I speak to Madame, please?

Yes, Ferguson.

I'm sorry to bother you, madame,

but I thought it rather important.

What's the matter, something wrong?

No, it's a question, a very

important question.

Yes?

- How am I doing?

- You are simply...

Thank you, madame, I just wanted

to be sure.

- Hello, Clara.

- Oh, for heaven's sake, what do you want?

I want the c*ck.

Have I to make c*ck on top

of everything else?

I've got enough to do cooking from 10 o'clock

this morning and setting the table.

Getting all dinner ready for eight

people all by meself!

- As if there wasn't enough to do!

- But Clara...

And you coming in here shouting,

"Where are the c*ck?"

Well, where are the c*ck?

I'm asking you, you're the butler,

ain't you?

- Why don't you do the c*ck?

- Clara, You've already made them!

Oh, for heaven's sake, why couldn't

you say so at first?

Nice kind of a butler you are, I don't think.

You don't know where you are, you...

You must get it out there at once...

Good evening, Milord.

Oh, yes... good evening.

Have I, er...

Yes, you are, Milord.

I'm afraid I'm a little late.

What a nuisance.

Couldn't find my spectacles,

couldn't find them anywhere!

So I had to come without them.

- Shall I remove your galoshes, Milord?

- My galoshes? Oh, the devil!

I've forgotten them.

Well, I shall have to go back and get them.

You might explain to colonel Chittendon...

This is Mrs. Wetherby's house, Milord.

Mrs. Wetherby's? Well, you'd better

explain to her.

Good evening, sir.

Thank you.

Whom shall I announce, sir?

I beg your pardon?

Arthur, how are you?

Let me introduce you, Mrs. Burns.

Mr. Trevelyan.

- How do you do?

- How's the music, Arthur?

Music?! Oh, are you a musician?

I just adore music!

I used to know a man who played the

saxophone. Fortunately I got a divorce.

By the way, I hope that you

don't play the saxophone.

Oh, really? Well you tell me all about it,

Mr. Trevelyan, I want to hear more.

How amusing!

I'm sorry, Cosgrove, but I can't help

being tickled about it!

I don't want you to be tickled,

do you understand that?

- c*ck?

- Thank you, dear.

You're looking very lovely tonight, Mom!

What are you doing, Raymond? Aren't you

afraid this will get you into trouble?

Not at all, Mother, it's all

perfectly legal.

- Will you keep away from us, boy?

- Certainly, sir.

- One moment!

- Don't grab, Father!

c*ck?

Oh!

Oh, thank you very much.

Which one shall I take?

As far as I know,

they're all alike, madam.

Tell me, have you always

been a butler?

- Oh yes, madam, for generations.

- Oh, I see.

- The family profession huh?

- Yes, handed down from father to son.

- How would you like to work in America?

- America?

Oh, yes, all the best American

families have English butlers.

They're sort of handed down

from mother to daughter.

I called in the sales manager

and I said to him,

"Look here, my dear fellow,

this sort of thing simply won't do!"

Excuse me.

Um, Catherine, dear, is there something

wrong with the c*ck?

Oh no, dear, everything's fine.

Ferguson, a c*ck for Mrs. Burns.

So I called in the sales manager

and I said to him,

"Look here, my dear fellow,

this sort of thing simply won't do!"

Oh, Mr. Trevelyan, it's too marvelous!

c*ck, madam?

Thank you!

Oh, just a moment, I'll have one

for Mr. Trevelyan.

Oh, Trevelyan? Thank you!

Well, my darling, you'll be delighted to

hear that I bought a special license.

- We can now be married whenever we like.

- Oh, that's wonderful!

And we go to my attorney

and we sign the bond...

...by which we mutually share each

other's possessions.

It's a very beautiful thought,

don't you think?

That's a lovely thought.

Claude, dear, would you really have cared

for me if I'd been absolutely penniless?

- My dear, what a question.

- Well, forgive me,

Forgive me, I shouldn't have said that.

Have you set the date?

Tomorrow I can't, I have a

sales convention.

What about Wednesday?

No, Thursday, Wednesday's

housecleaning day.

What's that got to do with it?

We're going to be married in a church.

Oh, no, I always get married

at home.

My dear, don't be facetious

about such a sacred matter.

If we are married at home that will mean

a special special license.

Well, surely I'm worth a special

special license.

c*ck, madame?

- Sir?

- Thank you!

Crystal, my dear, here's to us.

May we live happily ever after!

And of course peace and prosperity.

It's the most important toast

I've ever drunk, my dear.

- I've said it and I'll say it again.

- What did you say?

- Uh...

- When did you say it?

What was it you were saying,

Lord Carstairs?

I've said it and I'll say it again.

Uh...

What did I say?

Oh, that's it, Trevy.

Why not cut off their arms?

- Oh, but how bloodthirsty!

- Oh, not at all, not at all.

The armchair's the most uncomfortable

thing ever invented.

No... no elbow room!

- Oh, Trevy's got it, Trevy's got it!

- Who got what?

He says why not cut the arms

off armchairs...

...and put then onto chairs

that haven't any arms?

Maybe I'm wrong.

It's all very confusing, isn't it!

Yes, if one's in the furniture business.

Thank heavens I'm not.

What is your line, Sr. Dabney?

It must be very interesting, I'm sure.

Me? Oh... I'm in ladies' underwear.

- What?

- Well, we're both in ladies' underwear.

Really? How very odd.

Catherine, dear, what was the name of the

woman we knew who always wore DVVs?

I think you mean... DBVs.

- VBDs

- BVDs.

I'm glad my lawyer advised me

to stay out of business.

Well, personally...

I don't see any reason why

young women...

...shouldn't invest in some

well-established private enterprise.

Oh... I'm sorry, I dropped

my serviette.

Now take our...

Ferguson, more wine for Mr. Dabney.

Now, what was it you were saying?

I was just going to say...

that if I should advise you at all,

I should advise you to make

your investments in some more...

...sound private corporation.

I think you're absolutely right, Father

Thank you, my boy, thank you.

Of course there are things to be said

for the stock exchange

On the other had there are things

to be said against it.

Of course.

Now, for instance, supposing

my broker says to me,

this stock will go up

or this stock will go down,

what'll I say?

I'll say to him, "My dear fellow,

my business is ladies' underwear.

and that does not go up, and it does

not go down, it stays just where it is.

The best investment of all

is marriage.

I mean, when two people really

love each other.

Quite right, Claude, my boy.

So let us drink.

To the best investment in the world.

Marriage.

I think so too, provided

you buy it in bulk.

Oh, Mr. Dabney, that really is

the funniest.

- Dressing, madame?

- Yes, Ferguson.

Claude, darling, isn't that one of the

funniest things you've ever heard?

But tell me, Trevelyan,

how do you really come out?

- Dressing?

- What, dear?

Thank you... Ferguson.

And now, my dears, about the

question of the honeymoon.

How romantic all this seems. You know,

I often think of my own honeymoon.

Indeed, I shall never forget it.

Not if I live to be a hundred.

Oh, Mother!

Oh, Catherine, you weren't there,

you can't remember.

Really!

- Claude, it was an accident!

- No, it was not an accident!

- If I may say so, sir...

- You may say nothing!

It was done on purpose!

- Stop dabbing at me.

- Now keep your temper, Claude!

I won't keep my temper!

Has somebody spilled something?

Crystal, how did this man get here?

Claude, dear, you're really behaving

very badly. Please don't make a fuss.

- I will make a fuss.

- You have made a fuss.

Excuse me, Mr. Dabney, there's some

more dressing on your collar.

Keep your distance! Listen to me, Crystal!

I know this man and he...

He's not a fit person for you

to have in the house.

Do... do you know something

about Ferguson?

I know that I want him to

pack up and go!

- Now, now, keep calm, Claude, keep calm.

- I won't keep calm.

- You're losing your head over nothing.

- Nothing? Do you call this nothing?

Just a moment, Mr. Dabney.

You've had a lot to say, perhaps it's

time that I did a little talking.

- Ferguson, remember your position.

- I am remembering my position,

but after all, I must have some

consideration in this matter.

Now, Mr. Dabney, just what

do you know about me?

Father, Father...

Now, enough! Enough I say!

In fairness to our hostess,

this has gone far...

- Too far.

- I agree.

- Therefore, I seriously suggest...

- Here, here!

Thank you, Mr. Dabney! And I also

have a suggestion to make.

Of course, Crystal, darling.

Suppose we all go in the drawing room and

have a little coffee to soothe our nerves.

- You will serve coffee, Ferguson, for me?

- With pleasure, madame.

This way, please.

Goodbye, Crystal darling, it's been

a charming dinner.

- Good night, Crystal darling.

- Good night.

Mrs. Dabney, I'm so sorry

in our first meeting too.

Don't give it a thought, dear.

I loved so meeting you.

- Good night, Mr. Dabney.

- Father.

- Father.

- Good night!

- Not too late, Claude.

- No, Mother.

It's been charming, really.

Well, um...

- Crystal, I'm sorry I lost my temper.

- I knew you would be.

But I stick to what I said.

This man must go.

Oh, dear, I thought we'd forgotten

all about that.

No, I'm not the one to forget.

Will you leave sensibly, or... must I go on?

- I don't see how I can leave now.

- Very well, it's the police.

No, I will not have the police

in my home.

You won't have to. They're the last

people he wants to see.

I shouldn't go on if I were you.

But Claude, I'm certain there

must be some misunderstanding.

I think that Ferguson is a most

respectable person

Ferguson? His name's not Ferguson

and he's not a butler.

How do you know that?

Because I happen to be aware

that he's just been in and out of prison.

- Perfectly true, madame, perfectly true.

- Well, then how did you...

Now, was I right? Will you go or...

shall I send for the police?

You may send for the whole

of Scotland Yard, if you wish,

my position here is perfectly legal.

However, if you want me to go, I will.

It only means losing another job.

- Ha, I thought you'd see reason.

- It isn't reason, it is sentiment.

Now, shall I pack and leave?

If... if you lose this job,

what will you do?

- That I don't know, madame.

- What's that got to do with it?

- Ferguson, you'll stay here.

- Thank you, madame.

Crystal, you must be mad!

That's settled. So we won't talk

about it any more.

But Crystal, I demand an explanation!

You demand? I think you'd better go,

Claude, you're being very silly.

If I go... I may not come back.

And if you don't go, I may not

want you to come back.

- Very well.

- My hat, sir.

Don't bother, Ferguson.

I'll be back tomorrow.

Tell me, how did Mr. Dabney

happen to know you?

Well, er... we used to live

in the same house together.

He doesn't know what you do?

No, he's never quite been able

to figure that one out.

- Where else have you been besides prison?

- Oh, knocking around places.

- Well haven't you any family?

- Oh, yes, yes indeed, I have a family.

Well... won't they help you?

Yes they would, if I'd leave England.

- Well, why don't you.

- No, I sort of like the old place.

- What's the matter, have I changed?

- Completely.

- For the better?

- And how.

Good, there was room for improvement.

Plenty.

Nevertheless, I don't see how I ever

got along without you.

Thank you very much.

- When's the wedding?

- Day after tomorrow.

Now, really. How are you

ever going to wait so long?

Oh, don't be silly. All joking aside,

I really am very grateful to you.

For what?

Well, you could have given

the game away.

What, and spoil the most brilliant

marriage of the season?

Well you could have done it.

- No... No, I hope you'll be very happy.

- Thank you.

Now let's see, after the wedding

you'll be able to pay the bill...

- and I'll be able to go.

- Go? Go where?

Well, after all, you are going

to be married, you know.

- Well, yes.

- You don't want two men in possession, do you?

Oh, I was thinking of you as a butler.

Butler to Mr. Claude Dabney...

No, thank you.

What's wrong with Mr. Dabney?

I don't know.

That's for you to find out.

That's fine. I'm certainly glad to find there's

something you don't have to help me over.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, Clara dear, go on to bed.

- What about the dishes, madam?

- Oh, leave them to do themselves.

I try that often, but they don't

seem to get the idea.

Leave them till the morning,

you must be dead tired.

- Thank you, madam.

- That was a grand dinner. Good night!

Good night, madam,

thank you, madam.

Oh, hello!

What are you doing?

Just cleaning up, somebody

has to do it, you know.

- Want some help?

- No, really, I'm nearly finished.

Oh my, what lovely plates

you have, Mrs. Wetherby!

I'm glad you like them.

Yeah, this one here has roses

on them.

Roses?

No, I beg your pardon,

that's mustard.

What are you going to do after

you leave here?

Oh, I don't know. Find another

job, I suppose.

- No money?

- Eight and sixpence per diem.

You know, I don't know who you are,

anything about you, but...

I would like to help you.

That's very nice of you.

You can give me some references.

Certainly!

As a matter of fact I had the offer

for a job today.

That's nice, who from?

I think it's a rather good job too,

it's in... America.

Oh, Mrs. Burns, by any chance?

No, Miss Burns.

Miss Burns?! Well of all the cheek!

What do you mean cheek,

don't you like the idea?

I don't care who you work for,

it doesn't interest me.

- Oh, I thought you seemed interested.

- Well, I'm not!

Wait a minute! I answer the telephone

here at night.

Hello? Catherine!

Just why do you want to speak

to my butler at this time of night?

Is that so? Well, that's too bad.

You forgot your cigarette case.

That's the trouble with cigarette cases.

Oh, no, no it's no trouble at all.

No, he's asleep now.

Oh, yes, I'll have him look for it

the first thing in the morning.

If you find it in your handbag in the

meantime, be sure and let me know.

Good-bye.

Fast worker that girl!

That's more than you can say for us,

look at all those dishes.

Have you any confidence that we'll

finish them tonight?

Nope. none at all.

- What are you thinking about?

- Oh, I don't know.

I wish I were somewhere else,

somewhere where it's peaceful.

If it's peaceful anywhere.

Why don't we have a day

in the country... a picnic?

Now how can you have a day in the

country at this time of night?

Oh, that's perfectly possible.

Haven't you ever pretended you had

what you want?

- Do you do that too?

- Certainly, most of the time.

Now, for instance,

when I'm sleeping in that disgusting

butler's room again tonight,

I'll pretend that I'm in the guestroom.

Well, perhaps I'll let you sleep

in the guestroom tonight.

I'll be grateful to my very bones.

And if I do let you sleep there,

then what will you pretend?

Never mind that, what about

that picnic?

Hope it doesn't rain.

Oh, I don't think so. When I go

on a picnic, it never rains.

I hope I always go on picnics

with you.

What's that?

Down there by the river.

Is that another picnic party?

No, darling, I think that's

a flock of sheep.

Well, it's just you, and me

and the flowers.

- The trees.

- And the bees.

- The breeze.

- And the birds.

The herds.

Your move.

Oh, if this could just go on forever!

- I'm afraid Clara would sweep us up.

- Oh, now you've ruined it.

Well, all good things have to come

to an end, you know that.

- Is that original?

- No, that's true, unfortunately.

- It's been a delightful picnic.

- Yes.

I, er... I wonder if we'll ever

have another one.

I hope so.

So do I.

Good night.

Um...

Good night.

What's the matter, nobody home?

- Raymond... I want to talk to you.

- All right, go ahead.

It's, er... confidential.

- Well, ring the bell, I'll let you in.

- You come out.

All right.

- It isn't raining, is it?

- No!

Come on!

Come over here.

Now, Raymond, listen to me.

Does she know you're my brother?

- No.

- Good!

Now, I want you to get out of here

before she finds out.

Yes, go on.

I've been talking things over

with Father.

He wants to give you a really

decent start.

- How much is it this time?

- Four hundred pounds.

- Make it five hundred and I'll leave.

- All right, but that's the limit!

Can we?

Do you promise absolutely to leave

the house at once?

- Absolutely.

- Good.

- How soon will you go?

- Within a half hour.

And she won't know a thing.

- Nothing.

- Good!

See that you keep your word.

Heartbreaking farewell of two brothers.

Passionate embrace in rose garden.

English reserve broken by

last-minute emotion.

Balderdash! Balderdash!

Well, good morning glory.

Where have you been?

Oh, out in the garden chatting

with a friendly worm.

- How nice, you seem to know everyone!

- Yes.

How are the plans for the wedding,

have you ordered the cake yet?

Must you?

The bride wore an old Mackintosh

and never looked lovelier.

- Oh, quiet!

- The bridegroom wore a button-hole...

...of Parma violets and looked ridiculous.

What subtlety, what penetrating wit.

Can't you find anything else to be funny

about except my wedding?

It seems rather funny to me,

doesn't it to you?

No, it doesn't!

Well that's because he's rich,

no doubt.

Are you suggesting that I'm

marrying for money?

Good gracious, how could you

think that, my dear duchess?

Answer my question!

Well, after seeing the bridegroom,

I hope you're marrying for money.

- In other words, I'm just a cheap, little...

- No, no, certainly not.

You'd marry Mr. Dabney if he hadn't

a penny, now wouldn't you?

- Answer my question!

- What right have you got to ask questions?

Why I get married is my own business.

You seem to think you're the center

of the whole universe.

Well, you're not the center of mine!

Oh, and while we're asking

so many questions,

just why did they send

you to jail?

- m*rder!

- I wish it had been suicide!

- What about the bills, madam?

- Oh, Clara, don't!

Well, we simply can't go on like this.

They won't give us any more credit.

Even the grocer won't give us any more.

Oh, it really is serious, madam.

No!

Mr. Trevelyan, do you mean to tell me that

you like funerals better than weddings?

How funny, I simply adore weddings.

Why doesn't Carstairs come with

that special license?

Don't worry about the license,

Father, he'll get it.

- But madam, we simply must hurry.

- I know, I know.

Everyone's waiting, they'll be coming up

to know where we are.

Clara, if I've got to get married,

I'll get married at my own tempo,

so don't rush me.

- I was afraid you'd be late.

- Oh, I'm never late when I'm on a job.

All I want to know is where

did you get the money?

What difference does it make?

The bill's paid, I'm her creditor, right?

- Right.

- Then carry on, Mr. Jenkins.

That's your order, so don't let anything

interfere with you, right?

- Right.

- Right.

Men.

Why don't you and Father go

into the drawing room...

and try to keep everybody happy...

...and I'll go up and see if I can

hurry things along.

Raymond!

Hello, Mother... now keep calm, because

everything's all right and perfectly legal.

- Well, who are these...?

- Shh! Where's Crystal?

- She's upstairs dressing.

- Good.

- Do you want to be an angel?

- Well... yes, but...

Just a moment.

Carry on, Mr. Jenkins,

let the law take its course.

Listen...

Ladies and gentlemen,

excuse us, please!

Here, here, here, what is the meaning

of this intrusion?

This is not an intrusion,

this is a matter of the law.

Obey your orders, men.

This is an outrage,

I demand an explanation.

You'll have to talk to my boss about that,

I have no time for conversations.

- Step right in, men.

- Father!

- What are you doing here?

- Shh!

- What's happening?

- Quiet, go on, get in there, quick!

What is all this?

Who are all those men?

Just a moment.

Claude, do you still want

to marry Mrs. Wetherby?

Indeed I do you fool!

Now look here...

Now wait, I advise that you

don't marry her at all.

Indeed, when I want your advice, I...

Oh, no you won't. Tell me, have you

ever seen one of these?

A writ! Heavens, father, a writ!

- Four hundred... four...

- I don't understand.

That's one of the small ones.

There are more to come.

When you take on Mrs. Wetherby,

you take on something.

- Where did you get that thing?

- My friend Mr. Jenkins, the bailiff.

And there isn't... there isn't

any money at all?

Not a penny. That's the bailiff out there

now moving her furniture.

Now come boys, hurry along, we haven't got

much time now. It's a short day today.

My goodness, what is this?

- What is this, a wedding or an auction?

- I don't know, Mother.

The thing is a trap, nothing but a trap!

We must talk to Crystal,

we must reason with her.

Don't you think it would be

quicker to run?

You can leave me here to take

care of everything.

What could you say... what could you...

Well, I could easily tell her a few

lies about you.

I could say that you only pretended

to be well off,

that you're nothing but a cheap

fortune-hunter,

that you only wanted her money

and that you haven't a penny of your own.

Do you insinuate that Crystal's

marrying me for my money?

Well... what else would she

marry you for?

- Get along, my men, get along!

- They'll be in here any moment.

- Who?

- The men for the furniture, the guests.

- They'll want to know what you're going to do.

- Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

It's all very embarrassing.

Listen, my dearest, something

seems to have gone wrong.

Perhaps it would be... well, if we just

quietly disappeared.

Why not? Everything else seems

to be disappearing.

So it is...

Beautiful! My, I nearly forgot

the flowers!

- Flowers?

- Yes.

Oh, how lovely!

Mr. Dabney thinks of everything.

- Oh, madam!

- I'm not going through with this!

- I tell you...

- Oh, madam, please, what's wrong?

Everything's wrong, I don't want to get

married, can't you see that?

Listen! Madam, that's the signal

for you to go downstairs!

Very well, I will go downstairs.

And I'll tell them exactly

what I think of it.

Well?

Hello.

What is this?

Are you prepared for a shock?

Because I...

I have some very sad news for you.

What is the meaning of this?

Where is everything?

Where is everybody?

Where's Claude?

I'm sorry to say that Claude

is not going to marry you.

- Why not?

- Does it make any difference?

No.

Stop, I say! This marriage can' go on!

I couldn't get the special

special license.