09x01 - Gone with the Windmill

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

( Laughs, humming )

You are possibly wondering

Why a man who leads

Such a dangerous life

Is humming a happy tune.

Well, I have a cause

For celebration.

Contrary to expectations,

Yvette, my young waitress,

Has turned out

Not to be pregnant at all.

Apparently the doctor's tests

Got mixed up,

When a frog jumped

Into the wrong bottle.

After such a narrow escape,

I have sworn a vow

To be true to my wife edith.

Naturally, I have

Not yet told edith,

In case I cannot keep it up,

But I am going to do my best.

After all, it is ridiculous

For a man of my age

To go chasing

After young girls.

I must be realistic

And let age take its course.

Oooh,

How about a quick cuddle

In the back room?

Not tonight,

Yvette.

Madame edith is poking

In the kitchen.

Hmm?

The dying embers

Of the stove.

Well, uh,

Speaking

Of dying embers,

And I was not going

To tell you this so soon,

But this mad affair

Of ours is over.

Oh, rene,

Say it is not so.

Well, it had

To end sometime,

Just as autumn

Follows summer,

And the leaves

Of the chestnut trees

Turn brown

And shrivel and fall.

Not to mention

The conkers.

Rene, is there

Someone else?

How could there be?

Every spare momen

I am with you,

Holding you

And kissing you,

And running my fingers

Through your hair,

Feeling your warm breath

On my cheek,

Holding your firm,

Young body

Against my firm,

Starched apron.

Quick,

The back room.

( Rene shrieks )

Oh my god!

Are you all right?

I think I have los

A few more leaves.

Oh, I am sorry.

Did I startle you?

You stupid woman.

How dare you give me

A fright like that?

What do you mean by creeping

Around with a poker,

- Spying on me?

- What are you saying?

I was poking the stove

In the kitchen,

When somehow

The door got stuck,

And I had to go

Round the side,

And through the open window

Into the back room.

Did you not

Hear me calling?

I heard nothing.

And why would I

Be spying on you?

Have you been doing

Something I would not like?

I have never done anything

You would not like.

This is true.

Yvette,

Clear the tables.

We close very soon.

Yes, rene.

( Yvette sobbing )

What is wrong with her?

Well, it is clear

That she is very upset

Because she did

Not hear you.

She is very fond of you,

You know.

What a good girl she is.

Oh, rene,

Now the colonel

And lieutenant gruber

Have deserted

And gone to spain

With the fallen

Madonna,

Perhaps we can get back

To a quiet life again.

I look forward to it.

I've had enough

Excitement for one w*r.

Shall we go

Into the back room

Like we used to?

It has been

A long time

Since we popped

In there for a cuddle.

You mean that wet thursday

In 1937?

Fancy you

Remembering that!

Well, that was when

I got an electric shock

Looking for the light switch,

Tripped over a chair,

And broke my tooth on the table.

One does tend to remember

That sort of night.

I will go first

And put on the light.

Aaagh!

It is the colonel

And lieutenant gruber.

Oh, no.

I knew it was too good

To be true.

Rene

We need to talk

To you.

We have

A slight problem.

And something tells me

It is going

To become our problem.

Yvette, mimi--

Bar.

You are supposed

To be heading for spain.

The damned r.a.f.--

Bombed the road

Just before the border

And blew up the van.

We stole bicycles,

Hiding by day

And riding by night,

And headed back here

To find the one person

We knew would

Help us escape.

But we have done

All we can.

Yes, go.

If the general finds

A couple of deserters

Hiding here,

We will be shot.

He does not yet know

We were deserting.

The general has the photo

Of you with the painting.

Also you have been

Missing for a week.

By now he will have put

Two and two together.

Please go.

We get caught,

You get caught.

May I make

A suggestion?

What if the photo were

Taken against your will

While you were prisoners

Of the resistance?

Who we

Do not know.

Let us say they

Have captured you.

They forced

The brave lieutenant

To pose with the painting

Of the fallen madonna,

Which they had

Stolen themselves,

But putting

The blame on you

And thereby making

The general assume

That you had deserted

With the painting.

But why would

The resistance,

Who you do not know,

Make such an elaborate plot?

Yes!

Now you have worked

Yourself in a corner.

So that they could have

You both flown to england

To reveal the german

Defense plans

To combat

The british invasion,

Which could be imminent.

That is a remarkable

Hypothesis, madame edith.

Oh, thank you,

I read a lot

Of edgar allen poe.

I am well acquainted

With complex plots,

And a tragic life.

When do you do

All this reading?

Waiting for you

To come to bed.

How do we convince

The general of this story?

What if he found you

Bound and blindfold,

Hiding in the old windmill

North of the town?

That would be

A lucky chance.

About one

In a million.

Not if they were

Able to write a note,

And smuggle it out

In a bottle,

Giving clues as to

Their whereabouts.

What sort of clues?

The sort of clues that

An intelligent man

Like the general would

Find easy to solve.

Just a minute, what if

Nobody found the bottle?

You will find it,

On a morning stroll

By the canal.

Oh, yes,

I can see it now.

"Hello, general,

I was just strolling

By the canal

And I could not

Resist jumping in

To pick out an old bottle,

Just in case there was

A message in it for you.

And there was,

And here it is."

No, that would not

Be believable.

What would edgar allen poe

Have done?

Something unexpected.

Let me think--

Yes!

He would have flushed

The lavatory,

And up it would

Have popped.

Well, that would

Have been unexpected.

I hesitate to ask,

But where did it

Come from?

The lieutenant,

Having managed

To write a note,

Dropped the bottle down

A drain in the mill.

It has rained a lot,

The drains cannot cope

With the surge,

And forced the bottle

Up our outlet pipe.

I can see

The chapter heading now,

"The mystery of the bottle

In the bog."

It's so outrageous,

It could work.

What alternative

Do we have?

We could always

sh**t ourselves.

No, we will

Use this plan.

Madame edith, please

Get our clothes.

We will go

To the windmill.

Have you transport?

Monsieur alphonse

Is still here.

He can give you

A lift in his hearse.

Can we trust

The undertaker?

He will suspect nothing.

He often gives people

Lifts in his hearse.

And the last bus has gone.

A remarkable woman.

I've always wondered

Why you married her.

I see now it was

For her intellect.

It was a deciding factor, yes.

- Rene.

- Hmm?

I have, under my dress,

Something which

I would like to leave

In your hands.

Your thanks will

Be enough, lieutenant.

It is the painting

Of the fallen madonna

With the missing booby.

Look after it for us.

Of course.

May I inquire where the--

The other bit of it is,

Please?

Helga has it

So she can be cut in

When it's sold.

Ah, women,

How wily they can be.

I will keep it safe,

You have my word.

I would be

Delighted

To accede

To your request,

But it appears,

The wine has gone

To my legs.

My brain is as

Clear as a bell--

But my legs

Are on strike.

Oh, please,

Monsieur alphonse,

Try walking

Up and down.

We will help you.

It will clear

You head.

Oooh!

I feel nothing

Below the watch chain.

Monsieur alphonse, please.

- Oh, rene,

- Hmm?

Monsieur alphonse

Is tiddly.

He cannot drive

The hearse.

You will have

To help him drive.

I will go and get

Your topper.

Wh-- what excuse do I have

For-- for sitting

On top of a hearse,

In a topper-- at midnight,

With a couple

Of dancing girls?

Let me think.

We have our uniforms,

We could change.

In uniform, we could

Be recognized.

Well, edgar?

You and monsieur alphonse

Are two typical frenchmen,

Who have enjoyed

A convivial evening.

And now you have

Picked up two tarts

And are taking them

Into the woods

For a bit of hanky-panky.

Edith, do not be

Ridiculous.

I am

A respected member

Of this community.

What would

People say?

All the other men do it.

I have often wondered

Why you do not.

The neighbors are

Beginning to talk.

Even I had heard

The rumors.

In that case,

It is time they

Were put to rest.

- I don't remember

Ordering two more women.

- You did not.

Thank goodness.

Now pay attention,

Monsieur alphonse.

You and rene

Are pretending

To go to the woods

With two tarts tha

You have picked up

For a little bit

Of hanky-panky.

In my state, it could

Only be pretending.

Although the big one

Looks game for anything.

They look

Too well dressed

For local tarts.

We are poor,

With cheap clothes,

Cheap perfume,

Which is why

We are cheap.

You are right.

Take them upstairs,

And put them in

More suitable clothes.

Follow me.

Oh, and touch up

Their makeup.

The colonel is looking

Very rattled in this light.

He would look very rattled

In any light.

You have really

Got the bit

Between the teeth,

Have you not, edith?

It is so wonderful

To be wanted,

To be useful.

I often think

Of good plots,

But I am never

Asked to help.

I'm always brushed aside.

This is my moment.

It could be my last.

It's all clear.

- Psst!

- Come on!

My god, gruber,

We do look a sight.

I hope rene's

Neighbors are in bed,

Or tongues will wag.

We're supposed

To be good

For his reputation

With the girls.

Yes, but not with

An old tart like you.

Here,

This is our pitch.

What are you

Doing here?

And who are these

Two old scrubbers?

Do you mind?

Ignore them.

Tart:

Clear off.

You'll give

Us tarts a bad name,

Looking like that.

( Gasps )

You clear off.

Yes, mind your

Own business.

Watch your lip, shorty.

Shorty?!

How dare you.

Well, there goes

The neighborhood.

You certainly wield

A mean handbag,

Gruber.

I was just getting

The hang of it

When they ran away.

Now hold on tight,

Monsieur alphonse.

We do not want you

Falling off the hearse.

Giddy up.

Why is this horse

Not moving?

She only moves

To the sound

Of my voice.

Tell her to go towards

The front

Of the cafe and stop.

Listen carefully,

Hortense,

Walk to the front

Of the cafe,

Then stop.

Your master

Has spoken.

( Snorts )

( Horse whinnies )

Interesting

Activity here,

My field marshal.

Hmm,

So it seems.

Unless I am mistaken,

Wolfgang,

This one

Was here in 1917.

Yes, poor thing,

She still hasn't

Had any luck.

One wonders

How much longer

She's going

To persevere.

We are ready for you.

Well,

I think that answers

Your question.

( Colonel grunts )

Have you got

Our uniforms?

And two blindfolds

And some rope.

Are you looking

For a naughty senior person?

Have you money?

We are in

The paymaster corps.

We are loaded.

Can you manage three

Flights of stairs?

Yes.

Unfortunately,

Nothing after.

Good night.

I'll be back later.

Psst, rene!

I must speak

With you, urgently.

What have you

Been doing

Down my back

Passage, michelle?

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this

Only once.

Today I am holding

A special meeting,

To sign on new members

Of the resistance.

It will be held at

Our new secret rendezvous.

Where is that?

It is a secret.

Why are you

Telling us this?

Because I need

A few provisions

For our introductory

Wine and cheese party.

Oooh, these will do

For starters.

Have you any cheese?

No!

Never mind.

I will go and buy

Some camembert.

Michelle has

Got such a nerve.

One of these days,

Someone is going to tell her

Where to get off.

Yes, well, I nearly did.

But it is time to go

And give the general

His bottle

With the note in it.

I'm still worried, edith,

That he will not believe

That I found it when I pulled

The chain in the bathroom.

Perhaps it would be safer

If someone else

Found the bottle.

But who?

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

I winder if by chance

You have in your ciffee

Anything for a haddock?

We have a rather nice

Tartar sauce

You could put on it.

Where is

The haddock?

In my hod.

Oh, a headache!

That is what I sod.

I've git a bit

Of a hongover.

I hit the bittle a bot

Last nit.

Here is

My secret recipe--

Try that.

Ah, that hit the spit.

I'm very grootful

To you, ronnie.

Um, perhaps you

Could do me a favor?

Just noome it.

Could you give that

To the general?

Tell him

You got it from

A peasant,

Who you do not know,

Who found it where

He cannot remember.

What is this nit

In the bittle?

It is a cryptic message

For general

Von klinkerhoffen.

Whatever you say,

Ronnie,

It's k.o. With moo.

General von klinkerhoffen.

All stand!

Sit.

There you are.

Distribute these posters.

You, peasant,

Put these up

In your window,

And pass them round.

Yes, general.

Is it important?

Of course.

Today at noon we are

Having target practice.

We will be blowing up

The old windmill

To the north of the town.

Peasants are warned

To stay clear.

Well,

Get on with it.

Before I goo,

This nit is for you.

What is he saying?

He says the note

In the bottle is for you.

While you rood it,

I will pissed up

The posters.

He was given it

Anonymously

From an unknown

Peasant.

Silence!

Read it.

General,

It is from the colonel

And lieutenant gruber.

They've been captured

By the resistance,

Who are waiting

For the r.a.f.

To take them to london

To reveal our plans

To defeat the invasion.

They are being held

"Blindfolded and bound

In a place where

The wind always blows.

There is much

Grinding of wheels,

And a whoosh whoosh

Whoosh sound."

How cryptic

And unsolvable.

Nothing

Is unsolvable.

I knew they

Hadn't deserted.

Let me see.

"A place

Where the wind

Always blows."

Don't tell me it's

The baked bean factory.

Perhaps we could

Assist you, general.

Be quiet, peasant.

A grinding of wheels

And a whoosh whoosh

Whoosh sound?

I have it!

Of course, it's obvious.

It's the laundry.

Private geerhart,

You'll organize an immediate

Search of all the laundries,

- While we are

Blowing up the windmill.

- Yes, general.

Now I go to

My command post.

So much for your cryptic

Message, edith.

Well, you could have

Given him an helping hint--

Suggested that

The grinding noise

Was the grinding

Of corn,

And pointed to the grains

Of corn in the bottle.

He would have spent the day

Searching chiropodists.

No, I will go

To the windmill

And rescue them.

Oh no, rene,

You cannot go there.

You will be blown up.

This is all because

Of your meddling.

I will not

Meddle anymore.

But what will you say

When they see you

Near the windmill?

I am placing posters

To warn the peasants.

Why did I not

Think of that?

Because edgar allen poe

Did not write it.

Helga is here,

Herr flick.

Send her in.

This way.

I have a surprise

For you.

Good heavens,

It's the invisible man.

It is i, herr flick.

Herr flick, what has

Happened to your face?

I have undergone

Plastic surgery

To alter my appearance.

The allies will be here

Any day now,

And I need a new identity

In order to escape

To argentina.

So that is why I've not

Seen you for a while.

Herr flick, will you

Look much different?

My plastic surgeon,

The eminent

Professor von bungler,

Says I will emerge

From these bandages

Even more handsome

Than I was before.

Is that possible?

Well, there was room

For improvement.

Silence,

Von smallhausen.

I have used some of

The 10 million francs

From the pay truck robbery

To finance my new face,

But there is

Still plenty left.

- Of the face?!

- Of the 10 million francs.

No doubt

This news makes me

Even more attractive

To you, helga.

Oh yes, herr flick.

May I kiss you,

Through the hole

In your bandages?

Of course.

Be careful you do not

Squash my new nose.

I do not want

To arrive in argentina

Looking like

An orangutan.

How much longer

Must we wait?

You should have

Given better clues.

We could be here

Forever.

( Door slams )

I hear

Someone coming.

It must be

The general.

Help help,

We are in here.

Hush, it is me, rene.

Rene, what are

You doing here?

Where is

The general?

He is not coming.

Even as we speak,

He is at his command post,

Waiting to give the order

For target practice.

But why release us?

This windmill

Is the target.

It is to be blown up

At any moment.

( Colonel groans )

It would appear

This brilliant plan

Has gone slightly wrong.

Quick, gruber,

Run for it.

Excuse me, colonel.

Come back, come back,

That is my bike.

( Bicycle bell rings )

Rene!

At last

I find you alone.

Oh, louise,

What a surprise.

What are you doing

At the windmill?

On tuesdays,

It's our meeting day.

Of course it is.

That is why I was

Looking for you--

To warn you to expect

A big bang at any moment.

Oh, rene.

Hold my bike.

Not now, louise.

The germans are

Using the windmill

For target practice.

You must run.

Quick,

Behind the barn.

( b*mb falling )

( expl*si*n )

We got out

Just in time.

What about rene?

We took his bicycle.

There was only

Room for two.

- ( b*mb falling )

- It's the fortunes

Of w*r.

( expl*si*n )

They have flattened

The windmill.

That's a narrow

Escape.

I must get back

And let everyone know

That I am safe.

After all, I am a hero

Of the resistance.

Of course, I know it is no

The communist resistance,

But the same

Sort of thing.

Why let a hero

Go back at all?

We need all

The help we can get.

Good idea.

Take off

Your clothes.

People will be

Looking for me.

They will find only

Your smoldering trousers

And personal effects.

They will think you died

In the windmill.

Louise, that is

A madcap idea.

Oh, if you insist.

I am in a foul temper.

Some idiot

Told the germans

To search the laundry

While I was holding

A secret meeting there.

I was lucky to escape

With my life

And a bag

Of un-ironed knickers.

The germans have been

Looking for the colonel

And lieutenant gruber.

They have been

Searching everywhere.

My resistance recruits

Had to hide

In the spinning dryers.

They came out

All wrinkled.

Where is rene?

He has gone

To put posters up

Warning people

To stay clear

Of the windmill

During the shelling.

Oh, that was brave.

I shall mention that

In my dispatches.

Yvette:

Good.

( Sobbing )

Pow!

What are you

Trying to say?

Oh no!

No, it cannot be.

Not his hat.

Not his boot.

Not both of them?

Pull yourself together.

Are you saying rene was

Blown up at the windmill?

( Both wailing )

Silence!

We must be brave.

( Wails )

Thank you, mimi,

I needed that.

We must think

Of madame edith.

Who is to break

The news to her?

I have just heard

A rumor that ronnie

Was at the wondmill

When it went bong.

Is it tree or nit?

It is true.

He died a hero.

Oh, madame edith.

Listen

Very carefully,

I shall say this

Only once.

Well, what is it?

Is it bad news?

If so, I can take it.

I cannot say it.

What is going on?

I am trooned

For meements like this.

I will brake

The nose to her jontly.

Madame edith,

Ronnie is as dod

As a doodoo.

What?

He was at the wondmill

When it was blown up

By the nitzis.

He dude

With his bots on.

Oh no, rene!

She took it

On the choon like a min.

This is our underground

Headquarters.

We have tunnels

Everywhere,

Leading

To hollow trees.

We live like rabbits.

I can believe it.

Bathe him, shave him,

And take him

To my bunker.

Your bunker?

Oh, rene,

How I love you.

You will be

A posthumous hero.

You name will be

On everybody's lips,

Except mine.

I hardly dare ask,

But why will it

Not be on yours?

Because my lips

Will be on your lips,

Day and night.

As you say, I will be

A posthumous hero.

Still, it could

Be worse.

I suppose I am

Going to be bathed

By all the girls

At once.

Of course.

I am ready.

This is enough,

I am not staying here.

Louise: rene!

( Theme music playing )