( Theme music playing )
It is now september
The 13th, 1943.
It is nearly two years
Since I last spoke to you.
And as you can see,
I have gotten a little
Thinner on top
And a little fatter
Down below.
But I am a happy man
Because I have good news.
The british airmen
Are finally gone.
They escaped down the drain
To the coast
And, disguised as a couple
Of squids,
They were--
They were netted
The italian captain
Has gone also
Because mussolini has
Thrown in the towel.
And for the germans,
Well, the w*r is
Not going well.
Here in nouvion
We are getting quite
c*ck about it.
Rene.
Rene, I must speak to you.
- Not now, yvette.
I am not quite finished.
- Oh!
Soon the british
Will be here
And I will be wearing
Many medals
For my heroic
Exploits as a hero
Of the resistance.
In fact, for the first time,
I can truthfully say
I have not a care
In the world.
Yes, what is it?
I am pregnant.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
Oh, hold me.
Tell me you love me.
Well, of course I do.
Who is the father?
Why, you! Who else?
That was the next question
I was going to ask.
Rene, it is your child.
Keep your voice down.
- Oh my god,
This is terrible.
- What?
I mean it's terrible
We cannot tell anybody.
I am a married man.
But you are not.
And as far as
The town knows,
You are the twin brother
Of the rene who was shot,
Who was the husband
Of madame edith,
Which makes you your own
Brother-in-law by marriage.
Well, despite that
Comforting explanation,
For some reason
My hands are still shaking.
Oh, rene, hold me.
Kiss me.
Comfort me.
Should you not get
A second opinion?
This was
A second opinion.
The first
Said it was twins.
Oh my god.
Leave it to me.
I will try to find a way
To keep everyone happy.
Rene!
What are you doing
Holding that servant
Girl in your arms?
You stupid woman!
Can you not see this
Poor girl is pregnant?
Oh, my poor child.
Who is the culprit?
It is the life she leads.
It is impossible to say.
Is that not so, yvette?
Almost.
Tell me, and if he
Will not marry you,
I will slit his throat.
I hope it was an officer.
Think hard.
- I am.
- Oh, the shame.
A child out
Of wedlock.
I have an idea.
To prevent the shame
Falling on this poor
Innocent girl,
Who lives the life
She does only to keep
Her poor old mother
In firewood and paraffin,
I will sacrifice myself
And marry her.
You will do nothing
Of the kind.
You are married to me.
I am officially dead.
You are not going to get
Out of it that easily.
You could have it
In secret and I shall
Say it is mine.
I am used to shame.
I have a better idea.
Rene and I can say
It is ours.
And we can hide yvette
Away in the attic
Until the baby is born.
But, madame edith,
How are you going to
Convince people
That a virtuous woman
Like you is in the club?
I will put a cushion
Up my dress
And exude
A youthful bloom.
And of course,
Bigger cushions
As the days go by.
You are so kind,
Madame edith.
But I could not let you
Bear the shame of a child
Out of wedlock.
Or even a cushion.
As far as the villagers
Are concerned,
You are the wife
Of his dead twin brother,
A single woman.
I will put up the cushion
And say the child is mine.
No, you will not.
They are my cushions.
And if rene is so keen
To protect a woman's honor,
He can marry me
Officially
And say it is ours.
A little hero
Of the resistance.
A thought
To conjure with.
If only it were mine.
I can see it all now.
You have just woken up,
Little knowing
What a special day
It is going to be.
- Rene, darling,
Is it nearly 10:00.
- ( Mumbles )
Oh, how kind of you
To let me sleep so late.
What a lucky man I am.
Dearest, I have
A surprise for you.
Oh, tea and biscuits
In bed.
What more could I wan
Apart from a kiss
From the lips
Of the woman I love?
Brace yourself
For some surprising news.
I am braced.
What can it be?
Have you not
Recently noticed
That I have a bloom
In my cheeks?
Oh, yes, I have.
And I thought to myself,
How lovely she looks
And how young.
And have you
Not noticed
That every day I
Have been knitting
Little woolen garments?
Well, all knitting
Is little to start with.
Have you not noticed
I have got
A little bigger
Around the middle?
So you have.
What can it mean?
- Oh, do not
Tell me that--
- Yes.
- You mean--
- Yes.
- You're not--
- Yes.
- A little?
- Yes. Yes!
I am so happy,
I can hardly speak.
We are going
To have a little hero
Of the resistance.
Or perhaps
A little heroine.
I must marry you
As soon as possible.
I knew you would
Say that.
I have someone
Standing by.
We are ready,
Your excellency.
( Organ playing )
Do you take this
Pregnant woman
To be your lawful
Wedded wife?
I do.
- And do you--
- Oh, yes, yes!
Then I pronounce you
Man and wife.
Excuse me.
I have to return
To the vatican.
Fancy the pope
Coming all this way.
A hero deserves
Nothing less.
And so much fog
At the vatican.
Edith. Edith,
Are you paying attention?
Oh, I'm sorry, rene.
Yes, what is it?
We must find the father
Of this poor girl's child
And make him marry her,
But not be hasty.
Give her time
To remember.
And in the meantime,
Say nothing.
This secret must remain
Within these four walls.
Good moaning.
Good moaning.
I have some bod nose
For you.
There is a rumor
Going around the tune
That one of your wattresses
Has a bin in the oven.
Oh no, the shame!
Whoever it is.
Is it tree?
You can rely on moo
To be discroot.
Women:
It is mine!
Three bins?
There's seems to have been
Quite a lot of h*nky-ponky
Going on.
Nothing is certain.
And we would be obliged
If you would keep
This rumor to yourself.
Until we know whose
Little cushion it is.
A nid is as good
As a wonk
To a blond herse.
My lips are soiled.
Even if they were not,
No one would be any
The wiser.
Well, I must be
About my bosiness.
Shame shame!
You've got to find out
Whose cushion it is soon.
The rumor seems
To be sprooding.
- Shame!
- No!
Shame!
They are all pointing
At us.
I am not having
This sort of shame.
I agree. Now it
Is all over the town.
It is too late
To have it in secret.
You had better find
Out who the father is
As quickly as possible.
I am thinking hard.
I am thinking
Even harder.
I wish you'd thought
Of this six months
Ago, gruber.
We'd no idea the w*r
Was going so badly.
It's all goebbels's fault.
Lying to us with all
That propaganda.
Trust me, colonel,
If we can get to spain
Before the british invade,
My friend at the monastery
Will look after us.
Do we have to
Learn spanish?
I have a smattering of it,
And it could be useful
If we could say
A few words when
We get to the border.
Desertion's a risky
Business, gruber.
Not as risky as being
A prisoner of w*r
In a camp
Of rough fellows.
True. We must be
Prepared for the worst.
Now this is a very
Basic spanish lesson.
Man's voice:
So you want to
Speak spanish.
Are you listening
With your translation
Booklets?
Yes, we have
The booklet.
Lesson one,
Pay great attention
To the accent.
Make your s's sound
Like t's
And keep the tongue
Behind the teeth.
Here are some useful tips
On finding somewhere
To stay.
Repeat after me.
( High-pitched lisping )
Where is the hotel saratoga
In seville?
( Imitating )
Where is the hotel
Saratoga in--
In where?
Seville.
Please, can I have
A single room
With shower
And nice vista
Overlooking the sea?
Repeat.
Both:
Please, can I have
A single room
With shower
And nice vista
Overlooking the sea?
No!
It's too difficult.
It's a barbarous
Language.
It sounds
Nothing like german.
Well, that's because
It's spanish.
No, after a moment
Of token resistance,
I will surrender
To the british when
They arrive.
If only we still had
The painting
Of the fallen madonna
To sell.
If we had,
We could employ
A spanish person
To speak spanish
For us.
General von klinkerhoffen!
- Heil hitler.
- Heil hitler.
Gramophone records?
I hope you haven't been
Wasting your time listening
To popular music?
No, general, we were
Looking for one of
The fuhrer's speeches.
To boost our morale.
So you have been
Wasting your time.
Incidentally, I've heard
A rumor that certain
Generals are suspected
Of being involved
In a b*mb plot to blow
Up our beloved leader.
Outrageous!
You are still loyal
Despite all the military
Blunders?
To the end.
Not even a teeny-weeny
Bit fed up
With his rantings
And ravings?
He does go on a bit,
But that's the fuhrer.
Be assured,
We are loyal to the end.
Then I will
Drop the subject.
And as far as the end
Is concerned,
It may be nearer
Than we think.
The british and their
Yankee allies could
Invade at any time.
We are ready to retreat
The moment you give
The order, general.
There will be no retreat
And no surrender.
This does lessen
The options.
We're gonna fight
To the last man,
And the last b*llet.
And if this post
Is overrun,
We will retreat to the chateau
And we will make a stand
Which will add one
Final glorious chapter
To my family's
Military history!
If you have any useful
Suggestions regarding
This last stand,
Let me know.
I shall be in my quarters.
- ( Needle scratches record )
- Would you like a girl
Of easy virtue
Sent to your room?
Thanks for the thought,
Gruber, but I'll make
My own arrangements.
Mama, I have brought
You some chicken
And leek broth
And two straws.
Oh, how lovely
You look.
I'm getting ready
For the invasion.
The conquering soldiers
Expect it.
But last time
You said they
r*ped and pillaged.
This time I shall be happy
To settle for pillage.
See how the years
Drop away.
It is incredible.
Ernest, soup.
( Yawns )
( Screams )
For a moment, I thought
It was a dream
And I was in bed
With louis xvi.
Mama is getting ready
For the invasion.
She says she wants
To welcome the troops.
If they see that,
They may turn around
And go home.
Suck on your soup
And shut up.
Soon the sun
Will shine on france
And a new world will dawn.
Can you not feel the wind
Of freedom blowing already?
I am expecting it
At any moment.
It is time
To call london.
( Screaming )
What indignity!
The soup is everywhere.
I have a leek
In my pajamas.
Will you remind
Baron frankenstein
And his latest creation
That there is a w*r on?
Listen very carefully,
I shall say this
Only once:
I am the one
Who calls london
And you are not allowed
To even press a button
Without me.
- You were late.
- I was having a facial.
We must all look good
For the invasion.
By the way,
There is a rumor that
Someone in the cafe is
Oh no, the shame!
So it is true.
And the father?
She is trying
To remember.
Is nothing secret?
Who told her?
I may have mentioned it
In passing,
But no one else knows.
Man:
This is london calling.
We are ready
To receive you.
Hello, london.
This is blue tit.
Have you a message for us?
Yes, we hear someone is
In the pudding club.
Oh, the shame.
Do not worry.
It will go no further
Than england.
It is just a rumor.
Over.
We hoped it might
Be you, blue tit.
We hoped it might
Be a child of a heroine.
No, just a local tart.
Over.
How dare you!
We are sending a plane
For nighthawk.
Hello, this is nighthawk.
I do not want to go to london.
I have been there once
And that is enough. Over.
Do not argue.
The plane will arrive tonight.
It will be in the long meadow
Before the moon is full.
That is all.
Over and out.
Hello, do not out
Until I am over.
Hello? Well, I am
Not going, so there
You are.
But, rene, you know
The area from here
To the coast
Like the back
Of your hand.
It is a very
Important assignment.
You'll probably parachute
Down with the first wave.
It is a great honor.
Oh, rene, please stay.
Do not leave me now.
There, you see?
This girl does not want me
To leave until I find out
The father of her child.
She is in my care.
I feel responsible--
For her care, that is.
I know monsieur alfonse
Had a brief career
In his younger days
As a stage hypnotist.
Maybe he could put her under
And get her to remember.
On second thought,
It is a great honor
To be chosen
To lead the invasion.
I have very many big
Decisions to make.
Money is the key.
We can't go on the run
Without money.
If only we hadn't
Lost the painting.
Who had it last?
I forget.
The general--
It was stolen
From his chateau.
Since then, nothing.
Smells of the gestapo.
If rene had it,
He'd have vanished
By now.
I questioned
Him thoroughly,
Never taking my eyes
Off his for an instant.
I'm sure he
Hasn't got it.
Although I must admit,
He has got something.
My brain's been
Stagnating.
It needs this type
Of emergency to get it going.
Helga's the key.
If flick has the painting,
She will find out.
Tell her to come in.
Helga, a moment
If you're not too busy.
I was just ordering
Some more ammunition
For the last great stand.
Are you all right for b*ll*ts
And hand grenades?
- Our drawers are full.
- So are mine.
Forget the heroics.
Gruber and I are
Thinking of avoiding
Direct conflict.
You mean doing a runner?
Something
Along those lines.
Only we need money.
We need the painting.
For two years now
It has been missing.
I suspect herr flick,
But he will give
Nothing away,
Despite my feminine wiles.
If he does have it,
This is how we will
Find out.
You'll go to see him,
And while you are there,
Gruber will phone
And pretend to be one
Of himmler's
Ruthless gestapo men.
Will that be
A deep voice?
Any voice except yours.
You will say that
Your men are in town
And will call any minute
To collect the portrait
For the fuhrer.
If flick has it,
He will panic
And he'll reveal
Its hiding place.
Wish me luck.
What excuse do we give
For the visit?
I shall tell him
I have a gift.
- Do you need
Some petty cash?
- No.
I am the gift.
Let's hope it works.
- If it doesn't, we've only
One choice left.
- And that is?
( High pitched )
The hotel saratoga
At seville.
By george,
You've got it.
I do wish yvette
Would remember
Who the swine was
So I could k*ll him
With my bare hands.
I can think
Of nothing else.
Hold me, rene.
Oh, how I wish
It had been me.
If it had, rene,
Would you have offered
To have married me?
Of course I would.
I can imagine breaking
The news to you gently.
You would be sitting
At the table writing
Out the menu.
In case you wondered
Where I was, I've just
Been to see the doctor.
Has he given you
Some cream
For those chapped little
Hands that scrub and clean,
Day and night,
For a mere pittance
So you can be near
The man you love?
Yes, but more
Importantly,
He has confirmed
What I suspected
For some time.
You have
Housemaid's knee.
I am in the pudding
Club. Look.
Good heavens.
Almost a founding member.
- And it is yours.
- What a shock.
Will you marry me?
Would you expect
Anything less
From a man of honor?
But what
About edith?
Aren't you afraid
Of what she might do?
After all,
She has set her heart
On marrying you again.
She would expect
Only the best from me.
- Edith.
- Edith: yes, rene.
I will break it
Gently to her.
I did not like
To mention it before,
But I have been having
An affair with mimi
Our trusted waitress
And she is
Slightly pregnant.
So I see.
Oh, I am so happy
For you both.
You will marry her,
Of course.
You do not mind?
You have my blessing.
How could I deny a hero
Of the resistance
His just reward?
And I promise not
To sh**t myself
Until after the wedding
Because I would not
Like to spoil anything.
Always a sport.
3:00 This afternoon.
- At the church.
- At the hospital.
Quick, I must get
To the hospital.
What are you talking
About, mimi?
Sorry, rene,
I was daydreaming.
Oh, hold me!
For under this blouse,
A little girl's heart
Is beating
And I would like it
To beat in time
With yours.
It will have to
Speed up a bit.
Now look,
You go to the kitchen
And give that dough
A good knead
So that the bread
Will rise properly.
I will think of you
While I do it.
Good girl.
- Rene, back room. Quick.
- What is it?
Hold me.
Rene, what a tricky
Predicament.
Everyone knows,
Except they do not
Know what you and I know.
They must never know
What you and I know.
I know, but I want
To shout it
From the rooftops.
Well, try to control
Yourself, yvette.
That roof is dangerous.
Do you want
To marry me or not?
Of course.
I will marry you
After the invasion is over.
You promise,
As soon as they invade?
Scout's honor.
If I still had my woggle
I would swear on it.
Rene, hold me.
Hold us.
Just for the record,
Was it the bedroom
Or the broom cupboard?
The broom cupboard,
When you banged
Your head.
Oh yes, I remember.
It was one
Of those days.
Man:
Germany calling,
Germany calling.
The glorious german
Air force continues
To sh**t down hundreds
Of enemy planes.
Our defenses are secure
And the fuhrer has decreed
From his bunker
That we shall be victorious.
The setbacks are minor
And the third reich
Will flourish for 1000 years
As promised.
( expl*si*n )
I would tell you more,
But there's a minor air raid.
That was a near one.
Helga is here,
Herr flick.
Quite a stranger.
I was just listening
To the radio.
Bad news I see.
We are failing
To turn the tide.
As this being so,
We may not have long
To say goodbye.
Surely we're not
Failing that fast.
No, but von smallhausen
And I
Will not be the most
Popular people in town
When the allies invade,
And we intend to make
Ourselves scarce.
What will you use
For money?
Sell something?
We have nothing to sell.
I have here
The gestapo forgery kit,
Which turns out not
Unreasonable facsimiles
Of most currencies.
Unfortunately, we cannot
Get the correct paper.
So we are practicing
On the rolls from
The powder room.
It will not be easy
Passing escudos notes
Stamped with the word
"Bogsan."
Nevertheless, I'm sure
They will come in handy
For something.
( Telephone rings )
(Deep voice )
Otto flick,
This is gestapo
Headquarters, berlin.
Our best men
Are about to call on you
To collect the portrait
Of the fallen madonna
For the fuhrer.
Hand it over
Or you will be shot!
Excellent.
It sent a shiver
Down my spine.
Mine too.
What is it, herr flick?
You have gone quite white.
Something that sent
A shiver down my spine.
- Helga, you must help me.
- Of course.
Contrary to what
I recently said,
I do have the portrait
Of the fallen madonna.
Rough gestapo men
Will be here any moment
To collect it.
Mess up the office.
It will look as though
The resistance have raided
Us and stolen the painting.
Now, helga,
You must handcuff
Von smallhausen and me
Sitting at these chairs.
I will hide the key
In my shoe.
- Where is the painting?
- It is in a safe place.
Would it not be better,
Herr flick,
If I took it
For safekeeping?
No.
Now take my truncheon
From the desk
And gently
Knock me out.
It will add realism
To our tale.
Can I take
An aspirin first?
There is no time.
- I cannot do it.
- Hurry, it is an order.
Very well, herr flick.
- Von smallhausen.
- Hurry!
How can i,
When I love you?
What?
It has always been you.
What is your first name?
Engelbert.
It has always
Been you, bertie.
Have you not noticed
How I have endured
Herr flick's embraces?
But who was I staring at
Over his shoulder?
- Who?
- You, you little fool.
How could any woman
Resist
Those big
Liquid brown eyes?
Gray,
They're gray.
Deep down
You must have known.
Well, deep down I did.
But it was so deep,
I thought it was
Just a rumor.
Tell me, darling,
Where's the painting?
I'll hide it for us
Until after the w*r.
I'm sitting
On it, darling.
- Sit up, albert.
- Ooh, ooh!
Engelbert.
- Where's the catch?
- It's under the seat
Between my legs.
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
I'll hide it
Until we meet again.
One kiss before you do
What you must?
I can't.
Oh, what the hell!
I do not think
This is a good idea.
Maybe we shall
Find out the truth.
Yes, and when we know
Who did the dood,
He will marry you
Or face the quincyquonces.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I've had
A terrible shock.
A stiff climbed out
Of his coffin and went home.
I was sure he was dead.
But I was sitting
In the mortuary
Working out the bill,
Talking out loud
And the final figure
Must have jumpstarted
His heart.
I need a drink.
Now, monsieur alfonse,
Can you hypnotize
This girl?
She has information locked
Deep in her subconscious.
Oh, no!
Was this the result
Of one
Of your frequent
Trips up the stairs,
Mademoiselle?
I expect so.
When was the last time
I was here at night?
Please get on with it.
We have a plane to catch
And many preparations to make.
- Rene, do not leave.
- He must.
- Oh no, not now.
- Please concentrate.
Now you are going
Into a deep sleep
Deeper, deeper.
You cannot resist
My croaky voice.
You will be entirely
Under my control.
Nod if you understand.
Who is the man
You last entertained--
How can I put this
Delicately?
( Clears throat )
In a naughty way?
- The butcher.
- The baker.
The candlestick maker.
Not all at once.
Did I say something?
Nothing we did not know.
- Is the butcher the father?
- No.
Can you describe him?
He wears a striped apron
And a straw hat.
Not the butcher.
Who is the father
Of the little one?
- It is--
- ( Sneezes )
I'm very very sorry.
It is the dust.
Please, mademoiselle,
Think quickly
- Before you go too deep.
- Ohhh!
She has fainted.
My power is too great.
We will try again
Tomorrow.
Good idea. Now let us
Clear up the cafe.
There are customers coming.
Come on.
We will take her
To the kitchen and put
Her head under the tap.
What about him?
Such great power.
Monsieur, wake up.
I have been
In a deep trence,
During which
I had a deep thunk.
Really?
What did you thunk?
Nothing.
My mind was a blink.
Be at the long meadow
When the moon is full.
We need all
The landing lights
We can get.
So bring your
Policeman's bicycle.
What bercycle?
And why am I dressed
As a poluceman?
And why am I spooking
Fluent franch?
I will explain
It all later.
Perhaps I'll feel bitter
If I lie down
For a bot.
Well, helga,
Did our plan work?
Perfectly, colonel.
I stole it from his
Secret hiding place.
Better than we expected.
Hand it over.
What's this?
There's a booby missing.
- I have it safely hidden.
- What?
I'm not sure you will
Cut me in on the proceeds
Of the sale.
So I am keeping the booby
As security.
When you find a buyer,
I will reunite the booby
With the rest
Of the painting.
Helga,
Surely you trust us.
Not on your nellie.
How could they possibly
Have known unless you--
I was out cold.
I do not believe you.
And to find out
Exactly what happened,
I propose to use this.
What is that,
Herr flick?
A new truth serum
Extracted
From the female
Patagonian firefly
At the height
Of the mating season.
Roll up your sleeve.
It is extremely effective
And has only
Slight side effects.
Now the secret
Of a successful
Injection is surprise.
Hold out your arm.
( Screams )
That was a surprise.
Now tell me the truth.
Suddenly,
I can hold nothing back.
Helga revealed
That she loved me.
She always has.
She took the painting
After I told her
Where it was.
After the w*r,
We are to be together
For always.
Dunderhead,
You have been duped.
That phone call
Was a hoax.
She wanted
Only the painting.
Damn, now I will
Have to be nice to her
To get it back.
- I thought she loved me.
- What rubbish.
I feel giddy.
I must lie down.
Is that the side effect?
That is one
Of the side effects
Of the serum extracted
From the patagonian
Firefly at the height
Of the mating season,
But not the main one.
When is that due?
About now.
Rene, do you
Have to go to england?
I must. It is my
Duty for france.
Now try to hold on
And make sure that
Monsieur alfonse
Does not hypnotize
You again.
I had a tin tack
Pressed in my hand.
I was in control.
I will never reveal
That you are the father
Until you are safely
On your way to england.
And then I shall
Proudly announce it
And our
Intended marriage.
Well, if you are
Going to jump the g*n,
When I am in the air
Will be the best time.
Otherwise,
I could be delayed
When my country needs me.
This is
From madame edith.
She is ready
For her cabaret.
This is her introduction.
Oh my god.
She's doing
The turkish number.
You must say farewell
In the backroom.
- I will leave
By the window during it.
- Right.
Ladies and gentlemen
And officers,
It is cabaret time
At cafe rene.
And tonight,
Madame edith wishes
To give you all
That you would expect.
And so may I ask
For the warmest
Of welcomes
For the harlot
Of the harem,
The concubine
Of constantinople,
The temptress
From turkey--
With the emphasis
On the turkey--
Madame edith!
- ( Piano playing )
- Quick, the cheese board!
I'm your
Turkish delight
And I wait every night
In my room
They all knock
On the door
And should you appear
You have no need
To fear
We'd be on our own,
That's for sure
If you're looking
For trouble
My big hubba-bubble
Will quickly put you
In the mood
It never fails
When I take off
My veils
And offer some
Exotic food
That reminds me,
Did you order those two
Extra barrage balloons?
Farewell, my love.
I must mount my bicycle
And join michelle
And the girls.
Have you any
Last words for me?
Oh yes, you can
Use my bicycle
While I am away.
Now have a quick drink
And before you can blink
I am suddenly down
To just two
When the time's right
You'll have turkish delight
In a manner
That's daring and new
With six veils gone
You can shout,
"Carry on"
With just one veil
Twixt me and a blush
I think I'll retire
Now that I've lit your fire
I'll be waiting
Upstairs
For the rush!
We must try
Not to get k*lled
In the stampede.
( Panting )
- Where are they?
- ( Squawking )
Oh yes,
The secret signal.
What a rigmarole.
( Makes birdcall )
Damn, a real owl.
- You are late.
- I had a puncture.
What are you doing
In those little shorts?
If we are stopped,
My girls are I
Are practicing
For the tour de france
When the w*r is over.
And what is my excuse?
You are timing us.
( Whistles )
Will I be timing you
From the front or the rear?
From the front with me.
Quick, to the field.
Officer crabtree is
Waiting for us.
( Gears grinding )
Mind my gearbox,
Colonel.
It is not wise
To try for reverse
At this speed.
Colonel von strohm:
Gruber, what's going on?
Just rene
Pursuing girls again.
I do not know where
He gets the energy.
Where is the plane?
I am sure gruber
Knew it was me.
Don't panic.
We left that tank
Miles behind.
As soon as we hear
The earcraft engines,
The girls will piddle.
This will make
Their lumps light up
And guide the earcraft
To this fold.
We are listening
Intently.
( Airplane humming )
I think I can hear it
In the distance.
Attention, ludies.
Can you all see
My titch?
Bikers: yes!
The piddle
When I flash it.
Gruber, can you see
Into helga's room?
Yes, the curtains
Are open.
She is preparing
For bed.
Any sign
Of the missing booby?
Not the missing one, no.
- ( Airplane humming )
- Listen, an airplane.
Colonel,
It is an old biplane
With british markings.
The invasion has started.
It's coming in to land.
sh**t it down
With your big g*n.
Hold my binoculars.
Hurry up, gruber.
I'm trying to get one
Up the spout.
You're supposed to have
One up the spout.
Damn it,
You're too late!
He's gone past.
No no!
He's turning.
He's coming back.
Quick, take aim.
I am taking aim!
Well, take aim quicker.
You're putting me off.
Put your fingers
In your fat ears
And be quiet.
Gruber, how dare you!
- It is hit!
- The wheel has come off.
We shall not be
Leaving tonight.
My god,
I must get back
To the cafe.
I hit it.
I hit it.
I hit it!
It's still flying.
Oh, dear.
I hope the pilot
Did not get the number
Of this little tank.
When they invade,
They'll be very cross.
( Playing slow-tempo
Dance tune )
Do not worry,
Madame edith.
I will look after you
While he is away, huh?
I might even
Take a room here.
That would be
Tempting fate.
On second thought,
I could make up the bed
In the room next to mine.
You could stay over
If you like.
My dicky ticker is racing
At the thought.
- ( Gongs )
- ( Piano stops )
I have an announcement
To make.
In case anyone
Has not heard,
I am with child.
And the father is--
Well, yes yes, go on.
And the father is--
Unknown!
- Shame!
- Shame shame!
Oh, the shame.
You have missed
Your plane?
A lot of the plane
Just missed me.
Do you mind?
My back has only been
Turned for half an hour.
( Piano playing )
Rene, we were just
About to find out
Who the father was.
Maybe tomorrow, edith,
But that is another day.
You are leading again.
Sorry, rene.
( Theme music playing )
( Theme music playing )
The french were randy,
The germans were kinky
Were stupid.
Sometimes an episode consisted
Of just going, "hello."
- Hello.
- Hello.
It was like a wonderful
Piece of farce, you know?
Clever stuff.
Good moaning.
How lucky can you get,
Doing a job you like?
Doing it and getting
A few bob for it?
It went on
For longer than the w*r.
- Heil hitler!
- Heil hitler!
'Tler!
Narrator:
In the 1980s,
"'Allo 'allo!" Became
One of the most successful
Sitcoms in history.
16 Million
Viewers followed
The farcical story of
A cafe owner's exploits
In occupied france.
It sold to more countries
Than either "monty python"
Or "fawlty towers."
How's that for
Not mentioning the w*r?
It was the crowning achievemen
Of the writing team
Of jeremy lloyd
And david croft,
Whose careers embraced
The whole history of show biz.
The story of "'allo 'allo!"
Starts way before the w*r.
David croft's parents
Were music hall stars,
And when movies
Came along
He made his big screen
Acting debut in 1929
Alongside
His mother annie.
I was only about
Six or seven.
I remember the director
Sort of shouting at me
Through a megaphone,
It was that long ago.
Narrator:
But after making
The flour commercial,
David realized
His time would be better
Spent behind the camera.
Croft:
As a writer,
You get invited to lunch,
And I preferred that,
Of course.
But it was just
A matter of I wasn't
A good enough actor
To succeed in the long term,
You know.
So the writing and the directing
Came up first.
Narrator:
The future bbc
Uber-producer's career
Actually began
At tyne tees tv
Working on the enormously
Popular "one o'clock show,"
Which brought old-fashioned
Variety to daytime television.
And they were long shows.
They would go on 40,
45, 50 Minutes.
And they had lots of super
Production numbers
And very good singers
And sketches and comedy
Sketches.
That commissioner, you don't
Want to take any notice of him.
- He's balmy.
- Go on.
Well, depending what film
They're showing here,
- It seems to affect him.
- Huh?
Last week they had
A cowboy film.
You should have seen him.
He came along the queue
Like this
( American accent )
"Well there, partners.
We just got room for one
In the old corral.
You really learnt
Your business properly there.
Narrator:
While david croft was learning
His television trade,
Jeremy lloyd's journey into tv
Was more unorthodox.
He worked as a metal-sorter
And plumber's mate
Before his career
Sparked to life
When he landed a prized
Position in a light bulb
Factory.
This was a job
Much sought-after
Because the window
Was the only one
That looked into
The palmolive factory
Where the girls'
Changing room was.
Well, not that I got it
For that, of course.
Narrator:
Perhaps it was the view
Of the palmolive factory
That inspired jeremy to
Write his first script.
Never one to miss
An opportunity,
He charmed his way
Into a story meeting
With execs at
Pinewood studios.
Lloyd:
They were quite amused,
I think.
"This is mr. J.j. Lloyd,
Apparently,
Who's never written before,
Has written a wonderful film.
He's going to read it to us,
Aren't you?"
I said, "yes, absolutely.
Are you ready?"
Said, "yeah."
I read it.
And they said, "well,
Actually, we're looking for
A film for adam faith."
Can you get
That sound again?
Well, I'll try.
( Vibrating )
What a wonderful
Bottom note!
( Vibrating )
So I started off
In a very lucky way,
I would say.
Narrator:
After breaking into
The movies,
Jeremy's cheeky grin
And suave manner
Soon brought him parts
In front of the camera
In films whose titles
At least were memorable--
"Afternoon of a nymph,"
"Operation snatch,"
And "the wrong box."
Jeremy's specialty being
A kind of upper-crust
I would say
A chinless wonder,
You know, basically.
Sort of, "hello, I just arrived.
Hello, I know nothing."
- Mrs. Emma peel.
- How do you do?
Bertram fortescue
Winthrop smith, to be
Absolutely accurate.
Such a name is a terrible
Disadvantage in this business.
After all, whoever
Heard of anyone having
Their chimney swept
By a fortescue
Winthrop smith?
Yeah, I could do that
Quite easily
Because I knew
A lot of people like that.
Narrator:
While jeremy cornered
The chinless market,
David croft was plowing
A broad furrow of his own
After moving the bbc's
Light entertainment department
And producing
"The benny hill show."
He also picked up
A few tricks of the trade
By studying
Other bbc shows,
Particularly galton and
Simpson's "steptoe and son."
The particular thing I learned
From galton and simpson
Was reaction comedy.
All my comedy is
Reaction comedy.
It isn't the line
That's important,
It's what the person
It's being said to reacts--
Their reaction is
The important thing.
Narrator:
The galton and simpson
Master class
Paid off in spades when
David came to co-write a sitcom
With jimmy perry.
It may have been set
In world w*r ii,
But "dad's army"
Became a timeless classic.
We'll simply be going through
On the royal train,
Camouflaged, of course.
Excuse me, sir.
Is the train camouflaged,
Or is the king camouflaged?
Croft:
It's what mainwaring
Reacts to--
What wilson is saying that's--
All the laughs come from
That sort of aspect, really.
Narrator:
David's career blossomed
As he mined a rich vein
Of nostalgia.
Meanwhile, jeremy lloyd's
Rake's progress
Took him to beautiful
Downtown burbank
And "rowan and
Martin's laugh-in,"
Where his quick wit
Brought him together
With america's ditsy
Comedy sweetheart.
Everybody loved goldie.
I said, "look, do I ever
Get to kiss you?"
She said, "well,
You better write it in."
Goldie, there's something
I simply must do
On behalf of
- What's that?
- Will you watch closely?
- Mm-hm.
- Right.
Mm! Ah!
Well, chaps, put that in
Your brollies and fold them.
We thought it
Was terrific.
Really annoyed a lot of friends
Back home, you know?
Narrator:
They were even more annoyed
When jeremy came back
And married joanna lumley.
Their marriage didn't
Last as long as the series
They made together,
But it did lead to a more
Successful partnership between
Lloyd and croft.
Come on, the party's over.
We started working together
Because he was in a show
Called, "it's awfully bad
For your eyes, darling,"
Which jilly cooper wrote.
- Come on, I'll help you.
- Oh, careful, darling.
- Oh!
- There we are.
Stop! I think
I've had a stroke!
My leg's gone dead.
Narrator:
"Awfully bad," as it
Was known for short,
Was the compost from which
A whole sitcom era grew.
We got on
Very well together.
And in the course
Of chatting to him,
He said, "we should do
Something." I said, "well,
I've got an idea.
How about
A department store?
Mostly the gent--
Gentlemen's part
Of a department store."
'Cause he used to work at
Simpson's-in-the-strand.
He said, "have you got
Any written down?"
I said, "yes, actually,
I have."
He said, "well, bring it over.
Let's read it."
So he read it and said, "well,
When do you want to start?"
- ( Cash register ringing )
- ( Theme music playing )
Narrator:
David croft's trademark
Large cast of
Comedy actors
Brought jeremy lloyd's
Brightly-colored characters
To life.
And grace brothers kept record
Numbers of characters happy
- Over 10 series of
- Are you being served?
Narrator:
And when actor gorden kaye
Turned up to play a bit part,
He showed he could talk
Croft and lloyd's language.
"Could I play scotch?"
In god name--
In god's name, why?
I said, "well, I could have
A pop-up sporran."
Now watch.
My friends call me
Candid cameron.
Well, if you wear this,
They'll call you
Gabardine angus.
He was not fazed
At all when he came into
"Are you being served?"
With some quite national
Heroes, you know.
They were well-known
Comedy players.
But he stuck up
For his bit.
Narrator:
Impressed with the way gorden
Popped up out of the blue,
David and jeremy cast him
As a news reader
In their futuristic
Mollie sugden spin-off,
"Come back mrs. Noah."
The series didn't,
But the cast included
Ex-"benny hill" girl,
Vicki michelle.
I remember I was
Sort of sprayed gold,
Because I was a robot
And they wanted me to sort of
Have a robot body.
This is an order.
You will take the top off.
She was wonderful, actually.
She was very sexy
And very funny
And she took to it wonderfully.
But all these people go--
Go into one's mind.
And when you're casting again,
Which david does very well,
You think,
"Oh, wouldn't it be wonderful
To have, you know,
Gorden kaye, vicki michelle?
Who else?" Whatever.
As long as you've
Got the vehicle.
Narrator:
So what croft
And lloyd needed
Was a show that used
The components of their
Previous successes,
The expert team playing
Of "dad's army,"
The nonstop pace of
"Rowan and martin's laugh-in,"
And the in-your-face
Double entendre
From "are you being served?"
In other words,
The essential ingredients
Of classic farce.
Surely a doddle from
The mind that gave us
Mrs. Slocombe's p*ssy.
I started writing
The thing with david,
Which wasn't going
That well
For either of us, really.
Sort of
"Upstairs, downstairs."
We were busy
On the downstairs bit
And after three days
I really wasn't enjoying it.
So we finished for the day.
By midnight
I found myself lying under
The dining room table--
A good place to be--
Running through the alphabet.
And I got to "r"
And I thought,
"Yes.
Or maybe 'f.'
The french resistance,
That's good.
We can do something on that."
And phoned him up.
And it was sort of,
Definitely midnight or after.
He was in bed,
I think he was asleep.
He woke up and said, "what do
You want? What do you want?"
Came up with this idea,
Said, "why don't we sort
Of take
The piss out of
An army-type show?"
So it was sort of
A "dad's army" group of germans
In a little part
Of france
Where nothing was happening.
And that's how
It started.
Narrator:
So they had a subject,
A setting, the title
"'Allo 'allo!"
And a script which they sent
To their chosen leading man
Gorden kaye
Who got hold of the wrong end
Of "ze stick."
"'Allo 'allo!'
Playing rene?
Is this about
The backstage angst
Of a female impersonator?"
I think even for david
( Inhales )
Ooh, no.
( Theme music playing )
Narrator:
Well, female impersonators
Did come into it.
But when the series of
"'Allo 'allo!" Started
In 1984,
Rene artois ran a cafe,
The hub of life
In the quiet village of nouvion
During the german occupation.
I think the staging room
For any television show
Has to-- has to be
A central focus
Of where the thing
Is all taking part.
Narrator:
Like rick's in "casablanca,"
Cafe rene is a magnet
For all.
It is i, leclerc.
Well, well.
Narrator:
A social whirlpool
Where customers ate,
Drank, ogled the waitresses
And were entertained by
Rene's wife edith.
( Sings off-key )
( Glass shatters )
Narrator:
Harassed by his bed ridden
Mother-in-law upstairs
- Ahhh!
- Shut up, you silly old bat!
Narrator: downstairs,
Rene presides over chaotic
Scenes of espionage
Someone is coming!
I will recede down
The back passage.
- Treachery
- If I want to sh**t you,
I only have to
Say the word.
- "Fire."
- And adultery.
Promise me that nothing
Will ever come between us.
I am doing my best.
You have to have somewhere
Where people can gather
And plot and plan.
Yes, absolutely.
Plotting and planning
Is always good in shows.
Narrator:
Most of the plotting
And planning
Revolved around
The priceless painting
Of the fallen madonna
With the big boobies.
It was stolen from hitler
By two german officers,
Colonel von strohm
And captain hans geering,
Who decided on rene's cafe
As a hiding place.
However, I am prepared
To overlook this,
If you will agree to hide
A few little articles
And a worthless picture
From the chateau.
Ah, is it the reclining madonna
With the big boobies?
Narrator:
Richard marner's colonel
Was madly assisted
In these shenanigans
By sam kelly's character,
Hans geering.
Keep still, hans.
Trees don't wiggle
Up and down.
I'm sorry, colonel.
I am having a problem
With a squirrel.
I think he's looking
For some nuts.
He would dress up and he would
Become somebody else
And play the--
Play a silly a*s
And all that sort of thing.
And he got himself into
Extraordinary situations.
Narrator:
Croft and lloyd's german
Occupying force
Became the tv world's
Most incompetent nazis.
And once, geering even tried
To assassinate his own general.
Oh my god, the gateau
From the chateau.
What about the gateau
From the chateau?
It contains a b*mb!
A b*mb in the gateau
From the chateau?
It is to blow up
The general.
Rene, you do not need to
k*ll the general.
We have already arranged
To k*ll the general.
Ah, do you not see
That if we k*ll him
With the pill from the till
By making with it
The drug in the jug,
You need not light
The candle with the handle of
The gateau from the chateau?
Narrator:
Sam kelly had worked with
Gorden kaye some years before
On stage in the play
"Black comedy."
And now
Gorden recommended him
As a recruit to
The "'allo 'allo!" g*ng.
Sam had done time
At slade prison,
Appearing as bunny
Alongside ronnie barker
And richard beckinsale
In "porridge"
Before swapping his prison
Blues for n*zi regalia
And becoming hans geering,
The captain with
The mistimed salute.
- Heil hitler.
- 'Tler!
He would say, "heil hitler"
And hans would say--
And listen to this because
Don't write to me anymore--
Half the word "hitler."
"'Tler." That's all it was--
T-l-e-r.
Because he couldn't be
Bothered saying the rest.
Didn't like him
Much anyway, you know.
So it was "'tler."
And because you have to close
Your mouth when you said it,
Looks like you said "b" or "p."
So it became "clop."
"Club."
Barry took on
"Points of view,"
Said it was "club"
And it was german for "ditto."
He made it up.
Narrator:
Hard on the trail
Of the fallen madonna with
The considerable cleavage
Was the man who gave
The gestapo a bad name--
- Herr otto flick.
- Heil hitler.
- Heil hitler.
- 'Tler.
My orders are
Directly from berlin.
Narrator:
The godson of himmler
And a vision in leather,
Flick was sent to
Nouvion as he was a master
Of disguise
Arrest him!
A stickler for detail
Stop. Your right stocking
Is also crooked.
Yes, herr flick.
Attend to it.
And instilled fear
Into the heart of
The local peasantry.
Heil hitler!
( All blow raspberries )
Herr flick,
The gestapo officer,
Was a piece
Of inspired casting
Because he was so different
From anyone
Who had ever played
That sort of part before.
Up to that point
In his career
He'd been playing children,
Actually.
So he had a marvelous,
Young, innocent face,
As opposed to
The scar down the cheek.
Narrator:
Richard gibson's innocent face
Was first seen in 1970
In the movie "the go between,"
Starring julie christie.
He was still looking
Young enough at 23
To appear alongside david
Croft's daughter rebecca
In "children of
The new forest."
But for herr flick,
Out went the tunic
And in came the leather
Coat and the pronounced
Character limp.
Given the chance, I would
Have had eye patches,
False limbs,
Mechanical bits.
Oh no, you wouldn't have been
Able to see me.
I'd have been buried amongst
Bits of equipment.
Narrator:
Besides preventing herr flick
From discovering
The whereabouts of
The painting of the amply
Endowed virgin,
Rene also had his hands
Full dealing with michelle
From the resistance
And her unexpected
Entrances.
Now listen
Very carefully,
I shall say this
Only once.
Michelle was what I would think
Is really the straight guy--
Straight girl of it--
Because I was
Always terribly serious
About and committed about
What I was doing.
Let us come
To the crunch.
The crunch?
The nitty-gritty.
Are you a collaborator
Or are you with
The resistance?
Is that thing loaded?
I am desperate.
I have one up the spout.
I thought it was just
Jolly funny.
They all wore the the same
Thing like a uniform.
I mean, any bright gestapo
Officer could say,
"You're dressed like that,
You're arrested." You know?
But it was part of the bizarre
Nature of the program.
Cooke:
If you wanted to
Be a resistance girl
You had to wear the beret
And the mac and socks.
Narrator:
Michelle's mission was to
Persuade rene
To help two shot-down
British airmen,
Get the blithering idiots
Out of danger
And back to blighty.
I think I've cracked it.
We're riding on
The wrong side of the road.
It was fairly clear to me
That the character
Would have absolutely no idea
What was going on at all
All the way through.
And so really,
It was a sort of
Facial expression,
Which was a sort of--
I mean, you know,
"What the hell's going on?"
Are you expecting us,
By any chance?
What does he say?
I don't know,
Neither do i.
We wish to talk
Kaye:
The worry for us--
And for me
And myself and vicki--
Because that's when
The british airmen arrive--
Is, will the audience twig
That they don't understand us
And we don't understand them?
I have it.
They are the airmen.
You
Are two days
Too soon.
Too soon, eh?
What's he going on about?
I think he wants your watch
Before he lets us in.
It worked.
I mean, it worked.
They don't understand--
Even though
Our cast is speaking
Understand what they're saying.
And that's part
Of the fun, I think.
Ah, michelle!
These two idiots are here
Two days too soon.
What am I going
To do with them?
- You must hide them.
- I can't hide them!
I have had no time
To organize things.
I have not yet
Prepared the cellar.
Go and find us a table
Where we will be alone.
I will explain.
Okay, chaps,
Follow the boss.
Thank god,
And it was such a wonderfully
Comic tool to use,
Because everybody
Could understand what
Everybody was saying,
But you had this wonderful
Situation where
The people
In the scene couldn't.
Narrator:
With the confusion over
Language sorted out
To comical effect,
"'Allo 'allo!" Was free
To establish itself as
A family favorite
For british tv audiences,
Though there were still
People out there
Who didn't see
The funny side of life
Under german occupation.
B.r. Thomas of london's
Southeast 12 feels that
Mr. Thomas also says
Initially, after
The first series, there was
A bit of a reaction.
I think it was because people
Weren't sure
Whether they could
Laugh about the w*r.
I think we realized
That it was a controversial
Sort of thing to do.
And for that reason
I took a tape of
The pilot to some people
I knew in the s.a.s.
In chelsea barracks.
I left it with them
And said,
You know,
"What do you think?"
And they did sort of inquire
Around and show it about,
And they thought
It was very funny.
I think "'allo 'allo!"
At the time
Sort of broke down some of
The barriers on television
As to what you could--
That you could actually
Make fun of a previous
Enemy, I would say, basically.
And in a way, quite a lot
Of germans have said,
"We actually rather
Appreciate the fact
That we're being allowed
To be part of the joke,
That we can
Laugh together at this."
Narrator:
Despite "'allo 'allo!"'S
Critics,
A second series
Was commissioned.
Viewers wanted more of
The mother-in-law
Freaking out
Every time london called.
- ( Beeping )
- Ahhh!
I'm going mad!
I am seeing flashing knobs.
They loved it whenever
The airmen popped up.
Both:
Hello.
They got confused when
Rene was shot.
And everyone was desperate
To know what had happened
To the painting.
What is written on that
Label in the corner?
I don't know.
I don't understand.
I will try to translate for you.
Oh.
"Please note,
This is the
Forgery."
Narrator:
But if rene had been shot,
How could he still be
Holding the painting?
And who had the original?
To answer all this
A "previously on ''allo
'Allo!'" Was introduced
Narrated by rene.
Or was it?
Welcome to my cafe.
I am happy to tell you that
Life here is back to normal.
Who were hiding here
Have been taken away
By the resistance
And are being hidden in
A nearby nunnery.
The painting of the fallen
Madonna with the big boobies
By van klomp,
Which I was hiding
In my cellar,
Is now in the possession
Of herr flick of the gestapo.
I have been shot dead
And I am now posing
As my own twin brother.
Lloyd:
The show was like
A continuous story.
So it was so complicated
That we used to simpl--
Try and simplify it
In that speech
So the audience would know
What had happened
And to look forward to
What was going to happen.
Narrator:
To continue the story
Of the fallen madonna
And her generous bosom,
Croft and lloyd decided
To complicate matters
Next time around
By hiding forgeries of
The painting inside sausages.
Now as I understand it,
This is the one
Containing the real painting
Because it has on it
A little swastika, eh?
Now one of these
I cook
And the other one
Contains the forged painting,
Which you are going to
Send to hitler, correct?
Very nearly, yes.
We were dominated by
Sausages, basically.
Um, and it was
A very good way of
Transporting the painting.
I did start to
Lose the plot a little bit,
Sometimes, where-- because
You're doing the next week
And you go, "where is
The fallen madonna this week?
Where did we hide it
Last week?"
Well, the plots actually were
Very logical and quite simple
And straightforward.
They're not nearly as
Complicated as you think.
It's basically
There's a sausage,
Which has the fallen madonna
With the big boobies in it,
Which is then forged.
And is that the actual
Painting or was that the copy
Of the painting?
It's then forged again.
And the forgery ends up in
The hands of the colonel
And the captain.
Herr flick has one which is
Hanging up in his wardrobe.
How many copies were made
And which is the original?
And we would be sort of stuck.
"Who's doing what?"
But I mean, as long as
You keep your eye on which
One is the real one,
It's not complicated
At all.
I used to have to
Ring up my secretary
And say, "where the hell
Did we leave the sausages
And what was in them?"
Narrator:
If keeping abreast of
The fallen madonna,
The sausages and their
Whereabouts wasn't bad enough,
Croft and lloyd decided
To add a whole new dimension
To the play on languages
They have sent him because
He speaks french.
All:
Ah!
( French accent )
'Allo, everybody.
To hear our own tongue!
By introducing
Who brought a whole new meaning
To the word bilingual.
I have digeesed
As poluceman,
So I am ober
To move aboot
With complate frodom.
And it was david's idea
To have the policeman
Who spoke bad--
The bad french.
Oh! Oh!
I was pissing
By the door
When I heard
Two shots.
His character, of course,
Was based on ted heath,
Who spoke french and he had
A very good vocabulary,
But no attempt
At the french accent.
( Speaking french )
( Bostrom speaking french )
--With that frightfully
Southern england voice.
You know, I mean,
All the words were there
But just no attempt
At accent.
So we actually started
Off that way.
I think david liked that
As an idea.
Narrator:
The other idea that both
David and jeremy liked
Was that you couldn't really
Have a farce set in france
Without sex.
Lots of it.
Yvette, my little tiger!
Oh, rene.
My big cuddly bear!
My little chicken.
Oh, hold me!
Kiss me!
- Oh!
- Rene!
What are you doing with
Your arms around that girl?
You stupid woman!
Can you not
See she is suffering
From claustrophobia?
( Gasps )
You make up a rene
Who's not that attractive
With a slightly wonky eye
That girls are mad about.
Gorden was
An unlikely sex symbol.
Crush my lips
With your lips.
Do all those things
You do that drive me crazy
With raging desire.
Maria, we are only
In the broom cupboard.
Oh, rene!
I think gorden
Would say himself
He's not an oil painting.
But the way he was portrayed
And the way all the girls
Fancied him,
I think it brought that
Any normal man in the street
Thought, "god, if he can do it,
I've got a chance with women."
Narrator:
It wasn't just the ladies
Who went wonky-eyed over rene.
Mad about the boy
I know it's stupid,
But I'm mad about the boy.
Narrator:
Tank commander
Lieutenant gruber
Didn't find the w*r
Much to his taste,
But did, however,
Fancy the apron of rene.
We weren't sure if he
Was h*m* or not.
Obviously was.
But he handled that
Subtly and beautifully.
Rene, 'tis you!
Please, lieutenant,
Do not give me away.
Don't worry, your secret
Is safe with me.
No no,
You do not understand.
Yes, I do!
He didn't want camp.
He didn't want
Sort of
Outrageously g*y
Or, you know,
Screaming queen.
That wasn't what it--
What it was supposed to be.
Narrator:
While rene was busy keeping
Gruber at arm's length
After seducing
His waitresses himself,
He was also more than willing
To hire them out
In return for
Black-market goods.
We have for you, rene,
12 Liters of paraffin,
Four kilos
Of sugar
And one kilo
- Of butter.
- Thank you, colonel.
Well, that should
Cover the flying helmet
And the wet celery.
Well, they were hookers,
The pair of them, yes.
( Chuckles )
So it was a little
Bit risque,
But I think it was left up
To the people's imaginations.
Narrator:
But when the colonel's
Hot secretary helga
Got together
With herr flick,
Not much was left to
The imagination at all.
Herr flick, I hope
You do not disapprove
Of my choice of undergarments.
Not at all.
Such things are very popular
In berlin these days.
The busks and the underwear
Became such a treat.
You know,
Before we started filming
I'd go down for a meeting
With the wardrobe mistress
And she'd say,
"We thought we'd do one with
Leopard skin down the front.
And maybe we'll have some
Rhinestones and some tassels."
Bend over.
It is more effective
If you grip it firmly
With both hands.
Now pull!
Thrust!
Pull!
Thrust!
Hartman:
I think she imagined she was
A bit like marlene dietrich
And lauren bacall
And people like that.
And she'd worked out,
I'm sure, that she was going
To work her way up
To hitler,
I would imagine,
Depose eva braun
And take over.
Thrust thrust thrust!
You're nearly there!
Pull, thrust, pull, thrust!
- I cannot keep it up
Much longer!
- You must! You must!
You get the impression
She doesn't really like
Herr flick that much.
But there's something
Kinky that goes on as well.
- Stop! Stop!
- Ah!
Was that all right?
For me,
Excellent.
( Laughs )
Yes, we weren't sure we
Could get away with that one.
But the way it was done,
It was acceptable,
You know? Just.
Narrator:
By the end of
Series three,
Croft and lloyd had
Mixed into the plot
That standby of wartime drama--
The escape tunnel.
There, are you satisfied?
Narrator:
This being sitcom,
It resulted in the whole cast,
Including von strohm
And hans,
Surfacing in
A british p.o.w. Camp.
Hitler has
Only got one--
Silence!
Narrator:
Hitler may have
Only had the one,
But the dictator on
The "'allo 'allo!" Set,
David croft,
Had ba*ls enough for all,
Not only writing, but producing
And directing the show.
He would stand
In his shirtsleeves
With his arms like this.
And he would do the--
What we came to regard
As the "muttly laugh."
He would go
- ( Wheezy chuckling )
- ( Wheezy chuckling )
In which case,
You knew it was in.
Or he'd go
No.
( Laughs )
And again,
It was just marvelous
Because he would--
You were sort of squished.
Somebody said,
"You know, I think I should
Try it this way."
And he said, "nope."
His classic, "nope."
And he said, "no no,
I really think--
I really think, um,
It would be better if
I did it this way."
"Nope."
And david said,
"Do it that way."
And eventually the guy said,
"Can I just try it once?"
"All right, try it."
So he tried it.
And then he did it david's way
And said, "actually, david,
I think you're right."
And he said, "I know I'm right.
And I've got two houses
And a swimming pool
And a rolls-royce to prove it."
Narrator:
Aware of the commercial
Possibilities
Of "'allo 'allo!"
David and jeremy decided
To make a theatrical farce
Out of life at cafe rene
And "'allo 'allo!" Began
A stage tour in 1986.
The show broke box-office
Records all over the country
And meant the cast
Spent even more time in
Each others' pockets.
It was almost like a permanent
Full-time relationship.
There was nobody in
"'Allo 'allo!" That I thought,
"Oh no,
A scene with-- huh-uh,"
You know,
This particular person.
No. We were a family.
Goodbye, hans.
Narrator:
But when "'allo 'allo!"
Returned for series four
With the cast still in
The p.o.w. Camp,
One member of the family,
Sam kelly,
Felt he should get out
While on top.
And hans made
A quick exit.
One down, 249 to go.
Kelly:
It was quite emotional,
Actually.
I was quite sad to go.
I think at the time I was
A bit scared of being typecast.
I regret it now because it went
From strength to strength
And I'd like to have stayed
And done some more.
I sort of regret it.
I didn't know
What would happen.
I had a vague notion
That I might suddenly
Get a hugely high-paid
Tv commercial.
You know?
And then I realized,
Of course, that nobody
Wants nazis advertising
Their products.
Narrator:
Sam appeared with
Dennis waterman
In "on the up" in 1990.
Then the third reich
Beckoned again in 1993,
Offering sam the top job--
Hitler himself
In david nobbs'
"Stalag luft"
Costarring stiff upper lip
Stephen fry.
( Speaking german )
Away from the bunker
And back at the comedy cafe,
David croft and jeremy lloyd
Must have had visions
Of "'allo 'allo!"
Lasting for 1,000 years.
Their basic formula
Of silliness, suspenders
And sausages
Became a runaway success.
30 Million viewers
Couldn't get enough.
I am weeking
In a ginger fashion
Because my poluceman's
Pints are full of dynamoot.
Narrator:
The show's popularity
Was quite awesome
Both here and abroad.
Half the households
In england were watching it,
And, as my mother used to say,
Everybody from the duchess
To the gardener's daughter.
It went right across class,
It went right across race.
It played in, what,
Something like 70 countries?
It was translated into
Untold languages.
Why it became big
In somewhere like
Botswana, I don't know.
I have no answer to that.
I mean, I've seen myself
Dubbed in chinese and--
Which is very funny,
Really.
It just worked.
Narrator:
It even worked
In france,
Which meant crabtree's mangled
Became mangled french
Or is it the other
Way around?
( Speaking french
With english accent)
And I remember that david
And jeremy
Said they'd taken it to
Some festival
When they
First started doing it
And the germans
Went to see it
And they laughed
Their socks off.
That was very amusing.
( German accent )
"We think it is very funny,
But we'll never show it."
That was not
So amusing.
Narrator:
By 1990,
"'Allo 'allo!" Seemed
Unstoppable.
But then,
Disaster struck.
Male announcer:
"The six o'clock news"
From the bbc.
Gorden kaye, one of the stars
Of "'allo 'allo!"
Is still critically
Ill in hospital.
He was sitting in the middle
Of a gale in his car,
Thinking he'd better not
Get out because of winds--
70 Miles an hour--
And a hoarding blew off
Through his windscreen
And a great big metal
Bolt went through his head.
It was the most
Dreadful thing in the world.
It was very serious.
He was at death's door
For a long long time.
The night before
Gorden had been sitting
In my dressing room--
On the sofa in my dressing room
Drinking a cup of coffee,
Laughing and chatting.
And then suddenly
He was in intensive care
And it-- it was just
So shocking.
Narrator:
But gorden made such
A remarkable recovery
And was back at work
So quickly,
Even the cast
Was surprised.
Lieutenant gruber!
Ah!
I was back in less than
Six months after the accident,
Which could be thought
To have been too soon.
But because I loved
The show so much,
Whether it be stage or
Television version of it,
I was determined
To honor my contract.
People would stand
And give him, you know,
Standing ovations
As he walked in the room.
And he was sort of cast
As a miracle man.
If gorden had not
Come through that experience,
I think that would have been
The end of "'allo 'allo!"
Her boobies
Are not big enough.
They look all right
To me.
Narrator:
Even though it was not
The end of "'allo 'allo!"
For gorden, in 1991
David croft thought
His time had come.
Croft:
I thought the show had
Gone on long enough.
And I had the luxury of saying
Enough was enough,
As far as I was concerned.
The audience still wanted--
The public
Still wanted the show.
But I think when you've
Done 50 or 60 episodes,
You're on borrowed time,
Really.
There came a point where gags
Were starting to appear again
In, um
Slightly different form.
So I think I bailed out
After the best of it, I think.
Narrator:
David resumed his other
Great partnership
Which had produced
"Dad's army."
He and jimmy perry also
Turned to '70s television
In "you rang, my lord?"
A sitcom version
Of "upstairs, downstairs."
It starred members
Of croft's "hi-de-hi!" Team,
Who were also put to work
On the railway comedy
"Oh, dr beeching!"
Jeremy lloyd's term of duty
On "'allo 'allo!"
Continued with new writers
For three more series,
In which the farce carried on
Until the end of world w*r ii.
You'd like to write
100 Shows.
And you get to 92
And you think,
"No, I think I just
Have to finish it here."
So i-- I wrote
An end show that--
I wrote the end so it couldn't
Be continued.
Narrator:
So in december, 1992,
Jeremy brought
Together rene and his
Old sparring partners
For a final encounter.
I see they've erected
A statue to you, rene.
What is this?
Eh
( Gasps )
The painting of
The fallen madonna.
Narrator:
With the post-w*r discovery
Of the original van klomp
Fallen madonna,
"'Allo 'allo!" Came
To a rousing cl*max.
Croft and lloyd's partnership,
However, rolled on
And they produced two series
Of "grace & favour,"
A sequel to
"Are you being served?"
But "'allo 'allo!" Remains
A firm favorite to this day,
And not just
With the viewers.
Fantastic to be cast
In something like that.
Changed my life.
It was fab.
I think I'm proud to be part
Of one of the greatest
Sitcoms and one of
The greatest partnerships
That-- not only
In british television,
But television all over
The world has produced.
Very lucky to do
What you enjoy doing
That entertains
A lot of people.
It was a very
Privileged position.
I had my own empire, virtually.
I did what I wanted
And I was allowed
To do it and I had just
About enough money.
Oh!
Rene, what are you doing
With that serving girl?
You stupid woman!
Can you not see
I am eloping?
You have been witching
Cimidy connoctions.
Good nit and thonks
For pissing by.
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07x11 - A Bun in the Oven
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The story of the sitcom focuses on René Artois, a café owner in Nouvion and a reluctant member of the town's local French Resistance cell who operates under the codename of "Nighthawk".
The story of the sitcom focuses on René Artois, a café owner in Nouvion and a reluctant member of the town's local French Resistance cell who operates under the codename of "Nighthawk".