07x10 - Rene of the Gypsies

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

( Grunting )

These chicken sandwiches

Are for the two idiot

British airmen,

Who are still

Stuck down the drain

In the middle

Of the town square.

There are too many

Germans about

To feed them

Through the grating,

So I am going to lower this tray

Down the drain in our garden,

And let it float to them

Through the underground stream.

Needless to say--

Needless to say, our plan

To get them out under cover

Of my old ice cream van,

Went desperately wrong.

The clapped out

Ice making machinery

Went berserk and squirted

General von klinkerhoffen

In the face

With vanilla ice cream.

The result is now that,

Ice cream has

Been banned in nouvion,

And general von klinkerhoffen

Has been treated

For frostbite to his nose.

Oh, rene,

I found you

Alone at last.

Why are you revealing so much

Of your little body, mimi?

I am going

Sunbathing.

Oh, hold me

To you.

You are

Very slippery.

I have rubbed

Myself all over

With olive oil

To aid my tan.

Rene, take off

Your clothes,

And join me behind

The hen house.

There is

Still some oil

In the bottle.

I'll apply it.

No, no, no.

I need that oil

To make the vinaigrette

For tonight.

Off you go.

And remember

The sun is very hot,

So make sure you do not

Saute yourself.

Yvette:

Ohhh,

Rene,

The hot weather

Has aroused my passions.

Embrace me.

Rene!

What are you doing holding

That servant girl in your arms?

You stupid woman.

Can you not see

This poor child

Is-- is suffering

From sunstroke

Because she's not

Wearing her hat?

If I had

Not caught her,

She might have

Fallen down the drain

And be on her way

To the coast by now.

Put your hat on

Immediately, yvette.

Oh, I am sorry, rene.

I did not realize.

Now, go and do

Your sunbathing.

And remember,

Keep that hat on.

Thank you,

Rene.

It that food

For the airmen?

Yes, I baked them

Some rock cakes.

Two will be enough.

Any more might

Sink the tray.

I have told the airmen

To stand by for their food.

Is it all ready?

Yes,

We have it here.

Then let us lower it

Down the drain.

Right, hold that,

Thank you.

( Water splashes )

We cannot go on

Feeding the airmen

Like this, michelle.

How are we going

To get them out?

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this

Only once.

I have discovered

That by baron's charter,

Dating back to 1534,

That a gypsy fair may be

Held in the town square

On the summer solstice.

How does that help us?

You will ask the gypsies,

From the camp

Outside the village,

To bring us their fair.

I will arrange

For one of the tents

To be put up

Over the drain,

And the british airmen will

Get out underneath it.

The germans will never

Allow a fair, michelle.

It is up to you

To persuade them, rene.

After all,

You are very friendly

With the colonel

And lieutenant gruber.

No, no, I am not

Getting involved.

If you do not, rene,

Some of my more

Trigger-happy girls

Might think that

You are a coward,

And come around here

To sh**t the place up.

But surely you would

Stop them, michelle?

Pfft, I would

Give them the b*ll*ts!

Very well, I will

Go to the gypsy camp

And see

What I can do.

I will come with you,

I speak a bit of romany.

You never told me that.

I learned to speak a bit

To negotiate

For cheap clothes-pegs.

Well, you must

Go at once.

No, we will go

This afternoon.

There is nobody to

Look after the cafe,

At the moment.

Where are yvette

And mimi?

Sunbathing,

Behind the henhouse.

Oh, that is a good idea.

I think I will

Go and join them.

You are not dressed

For sunbathing.

We in the resistance

Are prepared

For anything.

I hope the neighbors are.

When do you think

This food's going

To appear?

I'm starving.

I think I see

Something coming now.

I say.

Someone's eaten

All the sandwiches!

It must've been a rat,

You can see the teeth marks

In the crust.

Infernal cheek!

Still, at least

They've left us

The rock cakes.

( Cracking )

I can see why.

They could

Have those too!

( Water splashes )

Stand by the door,

Von smallhausen.

I am expecting

Private bigstern

In exactly

10 Seconds.

She is never late.

Five,

Four,

Three,

Two,

One.

Minus one.

( Knocking )

You are late.

I'm sorry, otto.

I was titivating myself.

Yes, that would

Take some time.

Let me press you

To my bosom.

The pressing

Can wait.

I am not up to it

At the moment.

I am.

Silence,

Von smallhausen.

I have a little

Task for you, elsa.

You know I will do

Anything for you, otto.

I await

Your instructions.

I wish

To gain access

To the colonel's office

This evening,

So you will

Invite him out.

Also the lieutenant

And the feathered wop.

May I ask why?

We have made a forgery

Of a painting,

Which I wish to conceal

In the colonel's desk.

It is the fallen madonna

With the big boobies.

Do not reveal

Too much,

Von smallhausen.

An anonymous phone call

Will inform

General von klinkerhoffen

Of its whereabouts.

The occupants

Of the office

Will be accused

Of stealing it

And be sent

To the russian front.

That is a masterly plan.

I know.

If you play

Your part well,

You will get a cut

Of the original painting.

You have suddenly become

Even more attractive, otto.

I will do as you ask.

You deserve a kiss.

( Phone rings )

Herr flick is busy.

See who it is.

And it better not

Be another woman.

Your wish

Is my command.

( Ringing continues )

Helga:

Do not speak.

These are my last coins.

Oh, just to hear

Your heavy breathing

Makes me feel weak.

Even though we are apart,

I want you to know

That I love you,

Miss you,

And want you.

I think it is

A wrong number.

But I'll

Just make sure.

Helga:

My maintenance course

Will end soon,

And then I will return.

I long for your stern eyes

To penetrate mine,

To be pressed against

Your brawn master race body,

To once again,

Feel your hands on my--

( Dial tone )

Well?

It was

The wrong number.

Excuse me?

I shall have

To go out

And have

A cold shower.

Leave it running.

I have found these two

In the woods.

They told me they wish

To speak with you.

Who are you?

We are friends.

I am rene artois

From the cafe in the village,

And this is my wife edith.

I have for many moons

Bought clothes-pegs

From your people.

Now we bring you gifts--

Cakes I baked myself.

Give them

To the horses.

The ones

With teeth.

We have come to ask

If you will bring your fair

To the village

On the summer solstice,

As gypsies have done

Since 1534.

The germans will not

Give us permission.

That is all right.

He has fixed it.

You will do

Good business.

Maybe.

First, let me see

If I can trust you.

Give your palm

To the great romany.

Let me see

Your lifeline.

Oh, it is very long.

See, here it becomes

A double line,

It even goes

Up your sleeve.

What does that mean?

You will die

In a railway tunnel.

And you are

Lucky in love, too.

Well, of course,

He is married to me.

I see a line

Of tragedy as well.

I also see many other

Women in your life,

Younger than your wife.

What does

He mean, rene?

He means the serving girls

That work with me.

I see danger

And excitement

In your life.

Well, I work

With the resistance,

Blowing trains up,

You know,

Things like that.

A lot of it seems

To take place

In a broom cupboard--

With women.

Rene, what does

He mean?

You stupid woman.

We hide with the girls

In the cupboard

During air raids.

Do we?

Cross my palm

With silver.

You are

A trustworthy man.

Cheap,

But trustworthy.

Thank you.

Maybe now

You would like

To inspect and read

The hand of my wife.

Do I have a long

Lifeline too?

It is hard to see,

There are

So many wrinkles.

Surely I have

Seen this

Hand somewhere

Before?

Here, look.

The cross of destiny.

Is that a good sign?

It was a child's hand

When I saw it last.

Then, it was tiny.

That figures.

I close my eyes.

Now, I see images

Of your past in my mind.

I see a big house.

That would be

The chateau,

Where I was

Brought up

In the servant's

Quarters.

And I see a child

On the doorstep,

In a basket.

There are clothes-pegs

In the basket.

That would be me.

I was found there,

By the butler.

Is it possible

That you are romanna,

The lost gypsy princess,

Who was taken from us

47 Years ago?

Oh, no, no, no.

I am only 36.

Yes, it is the mark.

We are blessed.

Gather round.

Little romanna has

Come back to be our queen.

You mean I am married

To a gypo?

No, I am sure they have

Made a mistake, rene.

We will

Go along with it.

We need them

To do the fair.

Am I really

A gypsy queen?

There is no doubt

About it,

The spirits never lie.

Does this mean

You will do the fair?

For queen romanna?

Of course.

Bring out our posters.

You will paste them up

In the town.

But now,

We must celebrate.

Can you sing, romanna?

Your mother had

A magnificent voice.

Another clue, rene.

She has passed it

Onto me.

It did not

Travel well.

Sing, romanna.

Play, gypsy ♪

Laugh, gypsy ♪

- Sing, gypsy

- ( Dogs barking )

Cry, gypsy

That's enough!

You are not romanna.

Are you sure?

Positive.

Perhaps a very

Distant cousin.

We'd left quite a few

Babies on doorsteps.

I had quite grown

To like the idea

Of being a gypsy,

Living here,

In the open air,

Singing round

The campfire

Every evening.

We are not so keen.

You have been

Away from us too long.

You have built

Your own life elsewhere.

You should

Go back to it.

What about the fair?

Oh, we'll still do it.

We need the money.

Now, take our posters.

We will come

On the solstice.

Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Bye.

Think, rene.

You were nearly married

To a gypsy queen.

Would not that

Have been a shock?

It would have been

To lieutenant gruber.

Colonel, how would you

Like me to sing you a song?

That sounds

Like a good idea.

Lieutenant, do you know

"Naughty lola"?

You start, I'll follow.

They call me

Naughty lola

The wisest girl

On earth

At home my pianola ♪

Is played for all

It's worth

Rene, that girl

Is singing.

And off-key too.

Your ears are keener

Than mine, edith.

The boys all love

My music

I can't

Keep them away

So my little pianola ♪

Is working

Night and day, hey!

Come on,

Everybody join in.

They call me

Naughty lola

The wisest girl

On earth

- At home--

- Silence!

Colonel, you are

Under arrest.

You too, captain.

What is the matter,

General?

You are

Under arrest too.

I found this

In your desk, colonel--

The remains

Of the fallen madonna,

Which was stolen

From my quarters

In the chateau.

Clearly, you are all

Involved in this theft.

There must be

Some mistake,

General.

Yes, and you made it.

Guards!

Take them to the dungeons

Of the chateau.

I do not want

To throw a spanner

In the works, general,

But there are no doors

On the chateau dungeons.

They had woodworm,

And were sent away

Last week

To be measured

And replaced.

On whose orders?

Yours.

Ah, well--

Take them

To the town jail.

This is

Outrageous.

We been fixed up!

This will not look good

On my c.v.

Oh, rene,

They are being

Thrown into jail.

Is that not awful?

Yes, they have not

Paid for their beer.

Clothes-pegs,

Clothes-pegs.

Who will buy

Some clothes-pegs

From a poor old

Gypsy clothes-peg seller?

It is i, leclerc.

What are you dressed

Like that for,

You silly old fool?

I have brought you

A message from the gypsies.

They cannot bring

Their fair to the village.

- What?

- A black cat

Has passed the great romany,

Walking backwards.

What was the great romany

Doing walking backwards?

No, he wasn't.

The cat was.

It is a bad omen,

And they will not come now.

Oh my god.

How are we going to get

The airmen out of the drain?

Rene, michelle is

In the back room.

We must tell her

What has happened.

Yvette, look after

The bar.

- Right.

- Come.

Michelle,

The gypsies

Are no longer coming.

They have had

A bad omen--

A walking backwards cat.

That is a bad omen.

The airmen

Will have to stay

Down the drain now.

No, no. That is

Out of the question.

They could be discovered

By the germans at any moment.

We will have to organize

The fair ourselves.

And how are we

Supposed to do that?

We'll dress up in gypsy clothes

And run our own stalls.

What about the posters

All over the town?

The villagers

And the germans

Are expecting

A real gypsy fair.

Have you got

A spare poster anywhere?

I think there is one

Still here in the drawer.

We will have

To provide

All the attractions

On the poster.

Then no one will

Suspect anything.

Ah,

Rene, you can be

The great romany.

But he is

A fortune-teller.

How am I supposed

To tell fortunes?

Make them up.

Yvette and mimi

And officer crabtree

Can man the stores,

Along with

My resistance girls,

Who can dress up

As young gypsy maidens.

And what about this?

Who is going to be

The bearded lady, hmm?

Oh, there is only

One person left.

You will have to be

The bearded lady,

Madame edith.

I am not going to be

The bearded lady.

Why cannot you do it?

Look at the picture

On the poster.

I am too tall.

What about mimi?

She is too small.

Or yvette?

She is too young.

Oh, remember

Madame edith,

It is for

The british airmen.

Very well.

But I do it

Under protest.

Where am I

To get a beard?

Wait a year,

Or try the barber's.

I will try the barber's.

The general must have

Gone mad to put us in here.

I would

Call my lawyer,

If he wasn't already

In the nick.

I wish we could

Get out.

This cell is making me

Claustrophobic.

There's one way.

No, elsa. We'll get

Into even more trouble

If we escape.

Good moaning.

I have four migs

Of two.

Is it morning already?

It is half

Pissed socks.

Did you sloop well?

No, we did not.

What is for breakfast?

I'm hungry.

This is proson.

We do not kick brokfast.

You were licky

To get the two.

You are all released.

I'm afraid

I owe you an apology.

I have examined the painting

Most carefully,

And it is

Clearly a forgery.

I knew there was

Some mistake, general.

We had nothing to do

With stealing the painting

From your quarters.

But what was a forgery

Doing in your desk, colonel?

It was left behind

From all those forgeries

You had made

To fool

The resistance, general.

Yes, I remember.

I feel very bad

About this.

Come to the chateau,

And I'll give you all

A slap-up breakfast

To make up for it.

( Slams )

Oh, biggerit.

( Carnival music playing )

That gypsy there

Looks remarkably

Like rene, colonel.

He certainly does.

Rene, it is you.

Oh my god--

Hello lieutenant.

What are you doing

Dressed up as a gypsy?

Colonel, the gypsies

Had to cancel.

So we are running

The fair ourselves,

To avoid disappointing

The villagers, and your men.

That's good.

My men, they would have

Been very disappointed.

You may continue, rene.

Colonel, thank you.

That earring is

Quite becoming, rene.

Thank you,

Lieutenant.

And your skin color

Is very authentic.

It is shoe polish.

That would account

For the faint aroma

Of cherry blossom.

Eh, what I have to hit?

If I get the bullseye,

You take off your clothes?

No, you get one

Of these china vases.

Is a piece of cake.

I'm the best shot

In the italian army.

What I get for that?

A bill for the vase.

I got my range now.

This time, I no miss.

Here.

Take this, you win.

We can't afford

The vases.

What a mistake to make.

Alphonse:

Come try the experience

Of a lifetime.

Kiss the bearded lady,

And win a free entry

To the grand prize raffle.

Oh, madame edith.

It distresses me

To see

The woman I love

In a beard.

I do it for the resistance,

Monsieur alphonse.

It is so demeaning.

The thought that lips

Other than mine

Should touch yours--

Do not worry,

Monsieur alphonse.

In this beard,

No one will want to kiss me.

Is this where

I kiss the bearded lady?

Not on your nelly.

Rule up, rule up.

Try you lick

At the cuckoonut shoe.

How much?

Tin franks a goo.

You take these

Three bills,

And throo them

At the cuckoonut.

If you hit the cuckoonut,

The skintily dressed

Crimpet

Will fall out

Of the bod.

There's a lot

Falling out already.

Translate, somebody.

You throw the ba*ls

At the coconut,

Colonel.

If you hit it,

Yvette falls

Off the bed.

I've seen it before,

It's rather a waste

Of money.

I think I will

Have a go.

Go easy, please,

Colonel.

I do not want to be

Tipped out too often.

Don't worry, yvette.

I am a german officer.

Oh, thank you,

Colonel.

I am saved, this once.

Damn!

Aaah!

Ooh, you!

Rene, we are almost ready

To rescue the airmen.

About time.

Already, under cover

Of this tent,

We have handed down

Two gypsy costumes to them.

I have here this jimmy,

For them to bang out

The rusty bolts

On the hinges

Of the grating.

I say, chaps,

Are you there?

- Hello.

- Hello.

Here, chaps,

Take this jimmy.

And go to the nex

Drain along.

It's under

The sh**ting gallery,

So nobody will hear you

Banging out those bolts

On the grating.

When you get out,

Wait there for us

Under the counter.

Right-o, old girl.

They are going to

The next drain along.

It is under

The sh**ting gallery.

They will be

Safer there.

Then what?

They will wait

With mimi,

Until the fair

Is over.

Now I must go.

Are you going to help

The airmen out?

No, I am next door running

The toffee apple store.

Lieutenant gruber

Is coming this way.

He is coming here.

Oh my god.

You must keep him here

As long as you can, rene.

We want as few germans

About as possible

When the airmen

Come out of the grating.

Ah, here you are, rene.

I knew I would

Find you eventually.

I see you have

A little tent

All to yourself.

Yes, I am standing in

For the great romany.

I suppose you have come

To have your fortune told?

Can you do it?

Oh, we country folk

Often have the power.

I will try my best.

Sit down.

And I will

Get my ball out.

Ooh, quite

An impressive size.

The mists swirl.

Now they are clearing

It's no good,

Carstairs.

It won't budge.

Carstairs:

Why don't we go back

And try the other grate?

The hinges on that one

Were almost off.

Fairfax:

Good idea.

Let's try.

Ugh.

I am most impressed

With your

Fortune-telling, rene.

But now I really

Should be getting

Back to the colonel.

Oh, is there nothing else

You would like

From the great romany?

That depends

What you had in mind.

The great romany

Has the power

To communicate

With the dead.

Perhaps I could

Try it for you?

Is there anybody

You would like

To speak to?

Your grandmother,

Perhaps?

That would not

Be easy, rene.

She's not dead yet.

But yes, perhaps

There is someone.

Your late

Twin brother.

My brother?

The one I had shot.

It still afflicts

My conscience terribly.

I would like to ask

His forgiveness.

I will try my best.

Should we hold hands?

No, that will not

Be necessary.

He is very near.

( Metallic thudding )

Nearer than I expected.

He forgives you, lieutenant,

For having him shot.

Oh my god, rene,

What is happening?

I did not want

To see him.

I just wanted

To give him a message!

Rene, what is

Happening?

Why is lieutenant

Gruber screaming?

These idiot airmen

Have come up

The wrong drain.

Well, at least

They are safe.

Rene, I have come

To help.

Hello.

Carstairs:

Hello.

Hello, chaps.

Man:

This way, chaps.

Thank god for that.

Thought we'd never

Get out of that drain.

Who are you?

Ah, wing commander

Blakensale, old girl.

Shot down

Three weeks ago,

Been trying

To find a way

Out of the blasted drain

Ever since.

Saw light, thought

We'd pop up.

Ah, this is fairfax

And carstairs,

Also shot down.

- Hello.

- Hello.

You chaps seem to have

Acclimatized well.

Meet ginger,

My rear gunner,

- Hello!

- Hello!

And this is sparks,

The radio operator.

- Sparks, hello!

- Hello!

I say, chaps--

I say, chaps--

Keep it down a bit.

Jerries everywhere.

- Right.

- Right, k.b.j.

Well, glad to meet you.

Hope we can stay here

For awhile.

Oh, absolutely, yes.

I'm the leader

Of the french

Resistance.

Oh, how do you do?

This is rene artois,

A resistance hero.

His cafe is

A safe house.

You can hide there.

Oh, good show.

And this is

His wife edith.

She'll be looking

After you.

Yes, on second thought

I think we'll take

Our chances down the drain.

Right, let's away.

All right then.

Come on, chaps.

Let's get all those

Pongy clothes off you.

That's the best idea

You've had yet.

Well done, edith.

You have frightened

Those new idiot airmen away.

Oh, rene.

We live in such

Dangerous times.

If I take off my beard,

Will you hold me and kiss me?

Better keep it on, edith.

Well, they could

Come back up again.

( Theme music playing )