04x06 - Sea Haw/Li'l Past-Cals

[bunniefuu]

Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents! Ow!

This is my dad!

This is my mom! [chuckles]

[giggles]
This is my sister! She's shy.

This is my grandpa!

This is my room!

And this...

[cheering]

This is my show!

[sizzles]

[in Southern accent]
Howdy, y'all! I'm Patrick Star!

And my show just got deep-fried
and countrified!

Hope y'all are ready for...

[announcer]
The Patrick Show presents...

Sea Haw!

[announcer]
Featuring Lil' Squidina Star,

Cecil "Sam Hill" Star,

Bunny Sue Starline,

Good Ol' Grandpappy Star,

Granny "Gravy" Tentacles,

Tinkle the Toilet,

Plop the Outhouse,

Perch Pecans,

Narlene and Nobby,

- Southern Fried Slappy...
- [crickets chirping]

SpongeBob BarrelPants,

Rural Rube,

Old Man Jenkins,

Old Man Walker,

Old Man Old Man,

Old Man Old Lady,

Sandy Biscuits...

Plus lots more fun!

Take it away, Maw and Paw!

This is one
rootin' tootin' hootenanny!

Yee-haw!

[upbeat country music playing]

Spoon solo!

[laughs]

This is television poison!

Nevertheless,
I will continue to hate-watch

so that I have something
to complain about.

[munches]

[cheering]

♪ whimsical music plays

[munching loudly]

Golly!
Ain't nothin' tastier than corn!

Or as some folks call it, maize.

Huh?
Now why'd they call it that?

- [banjo plays]
- 'Cause it's ah-maize-ing!

Hooey! That joke stinks worse
than Plop the Outhouse.

Oh, come on.
Plop doesn't smell that bad.

You say that now. [laughs]

- [fog horn blows]
- [sniffs] Ew!

[SpongeBob grunts]

Ain't almost nothin' better

than sittin' out on ma porch
drinkin' lemonade!

Yup!

[GrandPat]
Almost nothing better?

- [glass shatters]
- ♪ dramatic music plays ♪

What about a purty boo-kay
of posies?

Oh, ain't that sweet,

but there's only one way to win
my withered, country heart.

I'll do anything!

I'll tell ya what you can do!

Get off my porch!

[GrandPat screams]

Look, Old Man Jenkins!

A shootin' star!
Time to make a wish!

I wish this episode was over!

- [laughs]
- Yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk.

Howdy, y'all!

Good ol' country livin'
sure is fun, ain't it?

-♪ tense music plays
-Except, of course,

when you accidentally step
on a rake

and get yer face bashed in!

Ah!

Anyhoo! Don't worry!

I wrote a song to help all y'all

avoid embarrassin'
rake-related mishaps!

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music playing]

♪ Watch out for that rake ♪

♪ Watch out for that rake ♪

♪ Oh, please, please, please
watch out for that rake ♪

♪ If you don't watch
where you're goin' ♪

♪ There's a chance
your face could break ♪

♪ So... ♪

♪ Watch out for that rake ♪

♪ Watch out for that rake
Watch out for that rake ♪

♪ Keep your eyeballs fixed
down to the floor ♪

♪ Watch ev'ry step you take ♪

♪ There's a rake over here
There's a rake over there ♪

♪ It's an endless sea
of rakes ♪

♪ So please ♪

♪ Watch out for that rake ♪

[banjo solo playing]

♪ Watch out for that rake ♪

[music ends]

[cheering]

Wish I had a nickel

for every time
I stepped on a rake.

How much money would'ja have?



And five cents.

Hey there, Patrick!

Hey there, Squidina!

What's hot, fresh,
and full of corn?

Uh...

No, Patrick,
it ain't mama's fritters.

It's The Country News!

Howdy, y'all.

- [spittoon clangs]
- First up this evening:

the corn report
with Chuck "The Truck" Lawrence.

Chuck, what can y'all tell us?

It's corn.

There you have it, folks.

And now on a lighter note,

it's day five
of GrandPat's litter watch

and those babies
could be here any minute!

- Let's take a look.
- [snoring]

[cries]

Codsarnit, ya plumb woke 'em up!

Scram! Git!

[chuckles] New mothers.

Well, that's all for us
at The Ol' Country News!

Y'all come back now, ya hear?

[grunts]

Sea Haw!

Ain't nothin' better
than sittin' on my porch.

I done ever'thang you asked,
Mee-maw.

Swept your house,
mopped your floors,

waxed yer tables,
done your dishes,

even milked yer sea cows!

Anything else?

Just one more thing.

Get off my ding-dang porch!

[smacks]

Boy, was that corny.

And I should know.

I live in corn.

- [laughs]
- [squawks]

Ah!

[Sandy]
Now it's time for Pacos Pat,

the rootinest, tootinest,

sharpshootin-est cob-boy
in the West!

♪ Tense music plays ♪

Draw.

He couldn't hit water
if he was spitting in the ocean.

[laughs]

Ow! Oh!

And now let's say
a big howdy doody to...

None other than the ama...

Thank you very much,

but we ain't need
no introductions!

Everybody who's anybody
knows Narlene and Nobby!

Say, Nobby,
what was them wise words

you said to me the other day?

Oh, they durn near changed
my life!

Uh...

[speaks gibberish]

Nope! That weren't it.

[speaks gibberish]

Hmm... That ain't it neither.

Well, howzabout I sing
a song to jog your memory?

♪ Well... ♪

♪ Momma is wise
and Daddy's well-read ♪

♪ But the smartest thing
I ever heard said ♪

♪ Was what my dear
ol' brother said to me ♪

Tell it to 'em now!

♪ Takkem bouta man ♪

♪ Dem her dun boots ♪

♪ Fly o'er da hee gum
florjun shoots ♪

♪ Da bayou ♪

♪ Heeya ♪

That's right!

♪ There's a local academic ♪

♪ With a PhD ♪

♪ Got a theory for a query ♪

♪ But it don't impress me ♪

♪ Nobby's got him beat
intellectually ♪

♪ Verbalizin' this philosophy ♪

♪ He says, takkem bouta man
dem her dun boots ♪

♪ Fly o'er da hee
Gum florjun shoots da bayou ♪

♪ Heeya ♪

Everybody now!

♪ Takkem bouta man ♪

♪ Dem her dun boots ♪

♪ Fly o'er da hee ♪

♪ Gum florjun shoots ♪

♪ Da bayou ♪

♪ Heeya! ♪

[cheers and applause]

[frustrated grunts]

[grunts]

- Bow to yer outhouse!
- [cheering]

You gotta go!
Open the lid and do-si-do!

- [SpongeBob screams]
- [cheering]

Sea Haw!

Ain't nothin' better
than sittin' on my porch.

Avast, ye old sea hag!

Get off my porch!

[groans]

Ye be messin' with
the wrong porch pirate, lassie!

[groans]

This porch be ripe
for plunderin'!

Prepare to board, lads!

- [bell rings]
- [all] Yeah!

[grunts]

[muffled] Get off my...

Alright, sea dogs.
Shiver these timbers.

- [moans]
- Arr!

- Cast off!
- [bell rings]

[Sandy]
Poor Granny "Gravy" Tentacles.

Who will help her now?!

I can do it. I reckon.

[whistles]

[barks, pants]

[grunts] If there's anything
I like more

than chasin' porch pirates,

it's ridin' toilets.

Bare back!

- [cheering]
- Who's with me?

♪ Takkem bouta man
dem her dun boots ♪

♪ Fly o'er da hee gum
florjun shoots ♪

♪ Da bayou ♪

♪ Heeya ♪

- [laughs]
- You get them Porch Pirates!

[neighs]

Woo-hoo!

[corn c*ck]

[munches loudly]

Ah!

[laughs]

- Arr!
- [laughs]

[laughs]

Hey!

Huh!

Cobs away!

[laughs]

[neighs]

Get off my p...

Sea Haw!

What in tarnation
was thatcornpone road apple?

♪ Watch out for that rake ♪

Sea Haw!

♪ Old time piano music playing ♪

[inaudible dialogue]

"I'm... going... to..."

Aw phooey!
You're living in yesteryear!

We're doing talkies now,
ya hear?

Did ya read that, Canny?!

I'm gonna kick ya
into the next millennium!

[tank rumbling]

Huh?

Ahh, not the Kelpbed Kids again.

You rascals better not
be stirrin' up trouble.

No, sir, Officer Murphy.

We're just lookin'
for our lost...

Canny!

And now, we bury
this time capsule

for the residents of
our fair city of Bikini Bottom

to unearth in 100 years!

[crowd cheering]

It's just a little dirt.

We can come back later and...

And now that
we've broken ground,

please welcome
the city's tallest

and heaviest skyscraper!

[groans]

[mechanical whirring]

[laughs] The only way you
kids'll be gettin' that can back

is if ya happen to be here
in a hundred years

when they're diggin' it up!

Aw nerts!

[all sigh]

Oh, Canny!
Life's so blue without ya!

You said it!

A hundred years
is a long time to wait!

Ah. If only we could build
a working time machine

out of all the stuff a kid
can find for free...

[gasps] Hoops,
you're a regular Einstein!

Who says we can't?!

♪ Old time montage music plays ♪

[grunts]

What a beaut!

Oh! We plumb forgot
the most important part!

Plutonium fuel rods?

[ominous thrumming]

Close!

The baseball card in the spokes!

It'll make a keen sound

- as we travel through time!
- [rattling]

[whistles]
Alright, Wiggly, you're up!

[barks, pants]

[panting]

Ooh!

[barking]

[zapping]

Welcome, citizens,

to the 100th birthday
of Bikini Bottom's oldest

and most venerated skyscraper!

[cheering]

To kick off
our celebration today,

we'll be unearthing
a time capsule

from beneath this majestic
and inspiring landmark

that will surely be here for
another hundred years to come.

Now, let's see
that time capsule!

Sure thing, boss!

Time capsule time!

[grunts] Aha!

[electricity powering down]

Oopsy daisy!
Let's try that again.

[grunts] Aha!

Wrong again!

Third time's the charm.

[cheering]

Huh? Oh!

I'm comin', Canny!

Sweet Neptune!
What's on your face?

[gasps] It's on me too!

Get it off! Get it off!

[groans]

- Ah, that's better!
- [groans]

- [groans]
- [groans]

[groans]

Oh my. Looks like everything
in the time capsule

has turned to dust...

Eh.
Except this old, beat-up can.

Canny!

Sweet Neptune!

This is an antique,
solid lead kicking can!

Oh, they only produced
this model for six months

because it was sotoxic!

[gasps] This can
is so rare and valuable,

it belongs in the Bikini Bottom
Cultural Museum!

[gasps]

Is it really...?

♪ Dramatic music playing ♪

It is! It's Canny!

They finally dug up ol' Canny!

Ooh, and he's worth
a lotta moolah now!

Listen up!
I can make us all rich

beyond our wildest dreams!

But I need your help.

Say, is this one
of those phone scams

my granddaughter
warned me about?

I'll go get my credit card!

No, Hoops!

It's GrandPat,
and this ain't no scam,

it's a scheme!

[all] Ooh!

Remember Canny?

[all sadly] Yeah.

Well, they dug him up!

[all] Ooh!

And he's worth a fortune!

[all] Wow!

They're gonna put him
in the museum,

but I say we break in there

and take back
our rightful property.

[Patrick and Squidina] GrandPat!

Stealing is wrong,

and you know that!

It ain't stealin'
if it was my can first!

'Sides, you know what's worse
than stealing?

Eavesdroppin'!

GrandPat!

Deserves privacy and respect

while plotting, kids!

You're grounded until GrandPat's
scheme comes to fruition!

[both] Sorry, GrandPat.

GrandPat!

What now?!

Just saying hi!
Hey, sweetie, what's for dinner?

Well, we could do fajitas,
or borscht, or headcheese...

This phone line is compromised!

Meet me at "the location."

Let's ride!

♪ Dramatic music playing ♪

Oh! My back!

- Oh!
- Is fixed!

Okay, everyone.

- Canny is in there!
- Canny is in there!

The Kelpbed Kids?!

Is that what I'm going
to look like when I'm old?

Better believe it.

And you better not be here
for the can.

Yeah? And why is that?

'Cause we got it
all figured out.

First we'll glide
onto the roof...

Make ourselves a skylight.
And after we're inside...

- [record needle scratches]
- Quit this jibber-jabber!

Here is what we are gonna do.

Wait until everyone
leaves at night

and the artwork comes alive.

♪ Old time piano music playing ♪

[evil laugh]

Rescue Canny and then...

[GrandPat] Mrs. Puff swipes
the can from you!

[Lil GrandPat] What the...?!
Then we take him back!

Oh yeah?!

- Yeah!
- Oh yeah?!

- Yeah!
- Oh yeah?!

[both grunting]

That can is ours!

[fighting grunts]

- [alarm blaring]
- Quick! Everybody split up!

Huh? That there sounded
like the Kelpbed Kids!

Ooh!
Their shenanigans stop tonight!

- [moaning]
- [bones rattling]

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

[crash]

[groaning]

I don't think you're supposed
to touch that.

Oh, come on now.

See a penny, take a penny!
[snickers]

- [gasps]
- [screaming]

- [groans]
- Out of my way! Me first!

Show some respect
to your elders, young man!

Me first!

- No. Me first!
- Me...

- [muffled] ...first!
- [gasps]

Wow!

Wait a minute.

On second thought, after you!

Oh, thank you, kind sir.

[grunts]

Where are my manners?
[chuckles] After you, sir.

- Well, thank you, Sonny.
- [alarm wailing]

- But I insist. After you.
- But I insist. After you.

- Don't mind if I do.
- [alarm blaring]

[grunts] After you.

- [crashes]
- [GrandPat] No. After you!

[Lil GrandPat] After you!

[both] After me!

It's after us!

[screams]

Huh?

[groans]

[whimpering, screaming]

[all screaming]

Alright! I've caught
you two whippersnappers!

It's time to face the music.

You've left me
with no choice but to...

[shivering]

call your parents!

I'm sure they'll give ya
a stern talking-to.

[phone ringing]

Huh. Well, it looks like
you got lucky this time.

- [both] Phew!
- But don't let it happen again!

Well, it's not so bad.

Yeah.

[both] Still got the can!

[grunts angrily]

I guess there's only one way
to settle this.

One game.
Kick the can. Winner takes all.

And may the best GrandPat win.

Let's see what you got!

[grunting]

[rustles]

[grunts] Huh?

♪ Old time music playing ♪

[all laughing]

Ooh, me! I got it!

[all laughing]

- [shatters]
- [GrandPat] Uh-oh.

[Lil GrandPat] Quick!
Let's cheese it!

[Old Officer Murphy]
Kelpbed Kids!

♪♪