[loud breath]
[woman choking]
[choking]
[long exhale]
[loud breath]
[goofy theme music on TV]
[TV voice 1]
Alright alright so,
Sam's lunch came today.
He ordered
a chicken Caesar salad.
We have his Caesar salad.
We took the chicken out,
and we're going to replace it
with dog food
before he gets here,
and see if he notices.
Alright, let's add
some dog food.
[goofy theme music on TV]
Hey Sam, here's your salad.
[TV voice 2] Oh, thanks.
You're not eatin' nothing?
[TV voice 1] Nah,
I didn't order anything.
I'll just watch you eat lunch.
Look at us, just two guys
hangin' out and havin' lunch.
[TV voice 1 laughing]
I mean one guy's
havin' lunch, I'm not,
I'm not eatin' nothin'.
[TV voice 2] You just like
watchin' me eat lunch, huh?
[TV voice 1] Yeah, I like
watching you eat lunch.
[TV voice 2] Look at this
salad. I'm eatin' healthy.
-[doorknob jiggles]
-[man] Yeah, I'm proud of you.
Oh, oh,
what's that in the salad?
Is that chicken?
[TV voice 2]
It's chicken, yeah.
[TV voice 1] It looks
a little... dry.
[TV voice 2]
It is a little dry.
[TV voice 1] That's weird.
The menu said
it was supposed to be...
moist.
[TV voice 2] The menu said it
was supposed to be moist?
[TV voice 1] Yeah, it said it
was supposed to be moist!
[TV voice 1 laughs]
[TV voice 2] What are you
laughing about?
Why are you laughing?
[TV voice 1] April Fools,
[bleep] face!
[TV voice 2] Am I eating
[bleep] dog food?
Is this a joke?
What the [bleep]?
[TV muted]
[doorknob jiggles]
[loud pound on door]
[garbage can knocked over]
[footsteps running away]
[nervous breathing]
[nervous breathing]
[Haley] f*ck this sh*t,
f*ck this sh*t.
f*ck this sh*t, f*ck...
-[can rattles]
-[Haley gasps]
...this sh*t
f*ck this sh*t.
f*ck this sh*t.
[sirens blaring in the distance]
[exhales]
[dog whining]
[neighbor woman] Louie! You
left the dog outside again.
[neighbor man] I know I did!
[neighbor woman]
I'm bringing him in!
[neighbor man] Don't bring
that g*dd*mn dog...
[neighbor man] ...back
in this g*dd*mn house!
[neighbor woman] He's gonna
get eaten by coyotes.
[neighbor woman] Do you want
to have a funeral for our dog?
I'm bringing the dog back in.
[door closes]
[exhales]
[inhales]
[man coughing]
-[door opens]
-[dog whining]
[neighbor woman] Are you really,
really gonna put that dog
outside right now, Louie?
[footsteps approaching]
-[footsteps approaching]
-[man laughing and coughing]
[dog whining]
[man murmuring and laughing]
[footsteps leaving]
[footsteps approaching]
[man murmuring and laughing]
-[man murmuring and laughing]
-[dog whining]
Chas?
[heavy breathing]
-[heavy breathing]
-[crackling fire]
[dog barking]
[neighbor man] Stop!
You better not bring
that dog back in here!
-[door closes]
-[dog barking]
Dude, what is going on?
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm-I'm fine.
Oh.
Do I-Do I not seem okay?
[laughs]
Yeah, I'm okay. I mean,
I, I know I look,
like, f*cked up, but... [laughs]
No, no, you look,
you look fine.
I mean I'm, I'm not on drugs
or anything. [laughs]
Okay... um, that's, that's good!
You're just freaked out
because you've never seen me
-with my hair this short.
-Oh, yeah.
Maybe.
What's going on?
Why are you here?
Just wanted to see you.
I hope that's okay.
[laughs]
Where'd you park?
I took the train.
Yeah, they don't trust me
with the car. [laughs]
-Do you live here alone?
-Oh, you know what?
I live with my friend, um...
Robbie.
Oh, oh, Robbie... a male friend.
Are you two like, um--
He's at his girlfriend's
house right now.
Do you usually take the knife
out when he's away?
No. I thought that someone was
trying to break in earlier!
Oh.
That's f*cked up.
Yeah.
I-I don't know, I was like
probably just seeing sh*t,
to be honest.
Byproduct of the kind bud.
[both laugh]
Yeah...
Well, uh, good thing
you got that outta the way
before I showed up.
I-I didn't know that
you were showing up---
Hey, I'm f*cking with you.
Don't worry about it.
[Haley] You are still so skinny.
You're still cool
and you wear glasses.
-Well, I still hate contacts...
-And I still hate contact, so.
Well, you hugged me, so.
[laughs]
[Chas laughs]
[laughs]
Oh, man... [laughs]
[laughs]
Oh, God... [laughs]
You should've seen me after
my first big panic attack.
[laughs]
Oh, God.
They put me on Lexapro,
which increased my appetite,
so, I gained like,
like twenty pounds.
But I looked, um...
I looked great!
Yeah, thick even.
So, you're not on Lexapro now?
No, I'm-I'm not
on anything anymore.
That's good.
Right? That's good?
Yeah, it's good.
So... you... how'd you know---
-So do you like... Sorry.
-Sorry.
No, you-you go.
Just like, um... you know about
my current situation, right?
My mom told me,
like, a basic summary.
Well, allow me to give you
the full Wiki article.
Which are basically summaries.
Wow.
Always busting my chops,
even when I'm trying
to be real with you.
No, I'm... I'm so sorry,
I'm just--
Hey, I'm f*cking with you.
Relax.
[uncomfortable laugh]
Yeah, the anxiety started
spring semester
of my junior year.
I was on my way to this
restaurant that I liked
near school called the, um,
The Kicking Crab.
Cool name.
Yeah, you would like that name.
What?
What?
Like what do you mean?
I mean, like,
you would like that name,
like, it's a goofy name.
-The f*ck is wrong with you?
-Sorry, I don't know why...
Please, go on.
It's okay.
Um.
Anyway,
I'm on my way
to The Kicking Crab.
I was driving...
and I put on the car radio
and "Carry the Zero"
by Built to Spill came on.
Which made me think of you,
which made me start crying.
And while I was crying,
I started thinking about crying.
And then I thought
about that thought...
and all the thoughts
I was having.
I was thinking about thinking.
There's a word for that... um...
"Metacognition" I think is...
is what they call it?
Yeah.
And I was so unfocused
on driving that I, uh,
crashed into a big sign
in front of the restaurant
shaped like a crab.
[muffled crying]
[laughing]
I could've died!
[laughs]
But, um... but I'm fine now.
I mean, I wasn't fine for, like,
a really long time after that.
I started, um...
getting into some heavy sh*t
to kind of, like,
shut my brain off.
But uh...
But yeah, I think I'm fine now.
So, you-you think
it's gonna stick this time?
This time? What do you mean?
Didn't you just
get out of rehab...
again?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Um...
yeah.
Yeah, it was a real
positive experience.
Um.
And yeah, I think
it'll stick this time.
But sometimes you, um...
can't anticipate
the bend in the river.
Is that like something
they say there?
Yeah, no, I, I think
I read that somewhere.
Huckleberry Finn, maybe...?
Hey, well, if you ever need
to talk to me about anything,
I'm here.
I am talking to you...
right now.
No, yeah, I know, I like...
but just, you know, if um...
if you need anything.
[clock ticking]
What do you need?
You know, like, uh...
why are you here?
[couch squeaking]
So, like, um,
part of my recovery...
-Mm-hmm.
-...is that I have to make
amends with people I wronged
while I was using.
And honestly, I wasn't really
sure if you'd wanna see me
so I, um, got
your address from Grace.
You could've just texted me.
I wasn't sure if you'd respond.
And I felt like I, I owed it
to you to make amends
face to face.
You don't owe me anything.
What do you mean?
The last time that I saw you...
was before you started using.
Oh my God.
[laughs]
f*ck.
f*ck.
Yeah, right.
Right, right.
f*ck.
f*ck. [laughs]
It's been a while, huh?
[both laugh]
Yeah, I mean, like...
if anyone should be
making amends, it...
it should be me, right?
No.
No, you don't have
to do that again.
Been there, done that.
So how have you been?
I hear you're dating
a guy named Robbie?
[laughs]
[piano and cello score]
[Chas] I see you...
Checkin' out my bod,
I'm Ichabod Crane
[laughs]
Driving all
of Sleepy Hollow insane
[Haley laughs]
The other men
are more or less the same
[Haley laughs]
But me, cherie,
you know I can't be tamed
[Emilie laughs]
I'm Ichabod Crane
Yes, that is my name
And then I think
I should do a big wink.
-A big what?
-A big goofy wink.
Like this.
You know, like,
I think I'm hot stuff.
'Cuz the dude is a dink,
and the bigger the wink,
the bigger the dink,
or so I've been told,
by you.
I've never said that to you.
Yeah, you have!
-Haley, back me up here.
-Yeah, it's true.
You say it like, all the time.
It's not true.
And don't do the wink.
It's too over the top.
[gasps]
Starting again, no stopping.
Over the top? It's good!
-From the top!
-Oh my God,
you're obsessed with tops.
"From the top! Over the top!"
"Take off your top!"
[stifled laugh]
Uh--
Hey, man, she said it, not me.
You two are the same to me.
It's true.
Ew, no it isn't! [gags]
Okay, f*ck you!
[loud snap] Hey!
Alright. From the top-.
[Chas and Haley stifle laughter]
I see you
Checkin' out my bod
I'm Ichabod Crane
[laughs]
Driving all
of Sleepy Hollow insane
I saw that.
The other men are
more or less the same
[Emilie laughing]
But me, cherie,
you know I can't be tamed
[Emilie laughing]
[falsetto]
I'm Ichabod Crane
[Emilie laughing]
[falsetto]
Yes, that is my name
-[school bell rings]
-[Emilie laughing]
-[piano]
-[Emilie laughing]
I'm Ichabod Crane
I wink so much,
I'm in pain
I'm goin' crazy
in the head
I'm Wink-abod Pain
I'm Ichabod Crane
I wink so much,
I'm in pain
Ow! Ow! Ow!
I'm Wink-abod Pain
I'm gonna wink
at you today
I wink so much,
I'm in-Crane
I'm gonna wink at your mom
I'm Wink-abod Crane
And I'll wink at your dad
I wink so much,
I'm in-Crane
-I'm gonna...
-[chair slam]
Come on, J.D.!
Dottie is gonna be there.
I... I'm tired, it's Thursday.
Oh, right.
It's a Thursday!
Oh, yes, that's a good point,
it is a Thursday.
If Dottie is there, you know
what that means?
A kind bud with the kind bud.
And I'm not talkin' Budweiser
if that's what you're thinking.
Wasn't what I was thinking.
Or Air Bud if that's
what you were thinking.
No.
I was actually
thinking of Bud Cort.
-Who?
-What the f*ck?
From Harold and Maude?
The movie you made me watch?
I was talking about weed,
like, are you dumb?
And what do you mean we "made
you watch" Harold and Maude?
You liked it, you pervert.
I can't believe
you're doing this to us.
We've been talking about going
to the water tower all week,
-you pervert.
-I'm sorry
for pulling out, but...
-[laughs]
-Pulling out?
So you're just pulling out like
a responsible boyfriend?
Okay, I'm sorry
for backing out, but...
Dude, if you don't
come out with us tonight,
your new nickname will be,
uh...
Take your time.
[Chas] I want it to be
something about his d*ck.
Like "Ugly d*ck."
[Haley] Again, take your time.
[Chas] Uh...
"Needle d*ck!"
That is pretty good.
J.D.!
My poor baby.
Are they being mean to you?
He's actually going
by "N.D." now.
"Non-Disclosure?"
"Needle d*ck."
-Why would you tell her that?
-You guys.
What? He pulled it out
and showed it to us.
Yeah, we also just
found out that pulling out
is his signature move.
You say that
like it's a bad thing.
And that he doesn't
wanna hang out with us
at the water tower tonight,
for no good reason...
I think we should normalize
"being tired" as a good reason.
I thought the reason
was that it's Thursday.
What if I told you
that I risked my life
acquiring Jack Daniel's
for this very occasion?
For you, your namesake?
It's not my... I don't know
why I'm clarifying this.
[Haley] Uh, yeah, because your
name is "Needle d*ck."
What if I go? Will you go?
Genuinely, I just am really
tired, I--
Please? How many more times are
we gonna be able to do this?
I--
For me?
[Emilie] Come on.
I'll go for, like, an hour.
-Whoa!
-What the hell?
Emilie says she'll go
and then all of the sudden...
All of "a" sudden.
What the f*ck. What the f*ck?
[Haley] No.
It's all of "the" sudden.
[Chas]
No. It's all of "a" sudden."
[Haley]
No. It's all of "the" sudden!
[Chas]
No. It's all of "a" sudden!
-[Haley] All of "the" sudden.
-[Chas] All of "a" sudden.
-[Haley] All of "the" sudden!
-[Chas] All of "a" sudden.
[Haley] Wait, sorry,
all of "the" sudden
it's all of "a" sudden?
[Chas] All of this sudden,
all of that sudden.
[Haley] It's, oh my God,
it's wabbit season!
[Chas] Oh my God,
it's duck season!
-[Haley] Wabbit season!
-[Chas] Oh my God,
-it's duck season!
-[Haley] Who's on first?
-[Chas] Who's on first!
-[radio jingle]
[radio host] You're
listening to K.R.E.M.
Santa Mira Public Radio.
Careful driving this evening
as the fog is rolling
in tonight.
We're in the heat
of pixie season right now,
so, if you've yet to pick up
a pixie or sip on pixie pop,
make sure
to swing by Shamrock Farms
while the citrus
is still with us.
-As we like to say here...
-[slurping]
What day are you leaving?
Twenty-seventh.
You're the twenty-eighth?
Don't act
like you didn't already know.
Yeah, okay, as*h*le.
Right back 'atcha.
A whole day without you.
What will I do?
I don't know. All the things
I hold you back from doing?
Eating and taking a sh*t.
Yeah, who am I gonna force
to be constipated from now on?
Finally gonna have time
to comb your hair.
Stop it!
-God.
-Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, I'm such a pain.
-Yeah.
-[car door closes]
[Chas] Wait, What the f*ck?
Are they really
going up without us?
Do they not notice us?
Their lack of spatial awareness
is gonna make tonight
go even better.
Yeah, or worse, if they
can't even see two feet
in front of them
when it's light out.
We'll just get Grace to get
like right up in J.D.'s face
That's gonna blow it.
Our makeup isn't that good.
"Our" makeup?
It was my makeup
and how dare you.
-Alright.
-I'm leaving.
Wow. Look at those three.
What good kids we've raised.
I sometimes think
they raised us.
Well, it's easy to think that.
We did name them "Mom," "Dad",
and "Grandma", after all.
[laughs]
Um.
Do you think they're even
talking about anything up there
or are they just like walking
in complete silence?
Oh, they're definitely
not talking.
I've read that complete silence
is a form of intense intimacy.
I mean, look at them.
They're clearly so comfortable
with each other.
[melancholic piano score]
Oh I bet any second now
J.D.'s gonna say some sh*t like,
"Uh, this walk feels longer
than normal."
Yeah, then Dottie's gonna be
like, "It's kinda cold out."
Oh, and then Emilie's gonna
to try to break the ice with,
"Wow, everyone's really
talkative tonight."
[impression of Emilie laughing]
[snort laughs]
-[Emilie laughing]
-[gasp]
They were having
too much fun up there,
I thought I'd join you two.
[laughs] Yeah!
It's a nice night.
Yeah, it's kinda cold out.
Wouldn't you say so, Haley?
[music ends]
[glug glug glug]
Hey. I saw that.
-It's good.
-I risked my life
getting you that, okay?
[J.D.] I like it. It's good.
[laughing]
So how are you all feeling
about your little show?
I don't know how
I feel about you calling it
our "little show".
I call it the "Chas Show."
I call it the "ensemble piece."
Every show we've done
has been a "Chas Show."
Uh... what the f*ck?
You know, people say,
"Chas stole the show,"
"Chas was like, actually good."
I'm sorry, I didn't know J.D.
stands for "Jealous Dude."
It's not like you're good
at anything else, so...
-Wow!
-Ooh!
Okay, excuse you.
Chas here is also a great
yearbook co-editor
and if it wasn't for him
the Bowling Club
would still be called
the "Blowing" Club.
Wait, is that real?
Yeah. I personally saved
the Clubs and Activities page.
No, the... the Bowling Club.
Is that real?
Do we have that at our school?
Yeah, dude. Where've you been?
Suspended.
-Right.
-Honestly...
bummed I never
joined Bowling Club.
Well, it's Wednesdays,
which would conflict
with your Blowing Club.
How would you know
what day it is?
I've never invited you.
[Chas] I'm still holding out
for the invite.
Probably got lost
in the mail or something.
[Emilie] Yeah. Uh huh.
Does, uh, J.D.
stand for "Joint Decliner?"
[J.D.] Oh, I can't smoke.
I left my inhaler in the car.
[Emilie coughs]
[Emilie] That "Ichabod Crane"
song is so funny.
Yeah, we know
you think it's funny.
Really?
I still think I'm kind of flat.
[Emilie] No! You sound great.
She's talking about the song.
Not your butt.
[Emilie laughs] "Not your butt."
Which does remind me,
by the way,
been meaning to ask you...
would you rather have
a good voice or a good butt.
You've been meaning
to ask me that?
-[Haley] Mm-hmm.
-I think I'd rather have
friends who engage me in much
more stimulating conversation.
[Emilie] Ooh.
Oh, that's the obvious
and dumb answer.
[Emilie] Oh!
No, but really, that's, um...
that's a...
that's a great question.
I guess I'd rather have
a good butt with a good voice.
[Emilie laughs]
Now that is a great answer.
Please explain.
Well.
You see, I, uh...
I fart all the time.
Can you believe it? And
the sounds are not pleasant.
But, if I farted,
and the sounds were good...
I don't know, I think
that some people might think
that that's pretty cool.
It might resonate.
Yeah, that is pretty cool.
Hey, can we hear an example of
how your farts currently sound?
Oh, no, no.
You're putting me on the spot.
We didn't talk about this
before the interview.
[Haley] Please?
If you won't do it for me,
do it for the listeners.
[Emilie laughs]
[Chas] Okay.
[Chas makes fart sound
with his mouth]
-[laughter]
-Oh, dude, J.D., my man!
Hey, I was supposed
to fart, not you.
That's so funny.
[all laughing]
[sighs]
I don't know
how you guys do that sh*t.
Like the acting and whatnot.
Like,
I just cringe imagining myself
being in a play,
pretending to be somebody else.
[Haley] Yeah,
that's 'cuz you're too cool,
you're too real.
Yeah.
And I think that...
I couldn't concentrate
'cuz being around all those
theater kids and they're so...
hot.
I think my eyes might wander.
Wow. What was in that joint?
That was a really
funny thing to say.
Thank you. Yeah.
I cannot even imagine
what the bowling team
members must look like.
[Chas] Dude, being suspended
as you so horny for everyone.
[Dottie] Yeah,
"being suspended," that's it.
Yeah, dude, easy with that sh*t
'cuz horniness is bad news.
Have you guys heard that story
about that one high school guy?
He was, like,
so horny for this one girl.
He let her convince him
to come up here,
to this hill, on a Thursday
even though he was really tired
and he just wanted to go
to sleep.
Is that the whole story?
[Dottie] Pretty good.
-Haley.
-[Haley] What?
It's just a story.
You guys haven't heard
that story?
Yes, we all know and love that
story, but...
have you heard
the one about the Princess?
Oh, no one wants
to hear Princess story
right now, you freak.
Do you not know
the Princess story?
About the water tower ghost?
at these... here...
water towers?
Is that a real thing?
Well, no,
it's not a real thing, but...
it's a real story!
Yeah. What the f*ck?
That's obviously what I meant--
[Chas] Haley, how have you
never heard the story?
We've been coming
here for years.
I haven't heard it.
-I have.
-You have?
Yeah! Or... no. Maybe?
I don't know... is it weird
if I know it?
Tell it, Em. It's a good yarn.
[English accent] It's a good
yawn, more likely.
The hell?
I'm saying
it's gonna suck, dude.
You just don't wanna sh*t
your f*cking pants.
Oh! Okay. Yeah. Right.
Emilie, tell the story.
So, you guys know Ralph Morrison
and Bob Hotard
and that group of guys?
-No.
-Yes, you do.
When they were our age,
back in the seventies, they
used to come up here to drink.
Oh, yeah. Total jocks.
Just like us.
And on a night
like tonight, no less.
And one night...
[gasps]
[Emilie] ...they brought
a Ouija board up here.
Oh, f*ck.
[gasp]
[Emilie laughs]
Now, the validity of this story
is obviously questionable
because they were wasted
and obviously because
there's a ghost involved.
Spirits and... spirits!
Booze and... boo's.
[Dottie cackles]
Come on, man! It's funny!
[Dottie] "Booze and spirits..."
Anyway, after playing
with the board for a while--
Can you speed it up?
-She just started.
-That's what I'm saying.
Maybe if you stopped
interrupting.
That was the first time
I interrupted.
God, J.D.,
I'm so sorry about him.
Please continue.
J.D., always drunk on his juice
and high on his bullshit.
[J.D.] I... I'm not high.
I can't smoke,
my inhaler's in the car--
So, eventually
they started talking to
a spirit that called herself...
the Princess.
Princess of what?
Who's to say?
Of the water tower.
Maybe.
Whoooooo knows?
Okay, J.D.'s right. Let's
speed this up a little bit.
[Emilie] Sorry.
So they asked her
all sorts of questions,
but she just kept saying
through the board that
she wanted to make one of them
her prince.
No matter what question
they asked,
her response was the same...
"Will you be my prince?"
Everyone thought it was Bob
Hotard just f*cking with them
so they stopped playing
and kept drinking.
-Bob Hotard?
-[Emilie] Bob Hotard!
I know you know him.
Later, Bob Hotard
walked over
to that hillside to pee
and mid-stream
he looked up
and saw the silhouette
of a little girl
slowly descending down
the hillside towards him.
As she got closer,
she stuck out her hand
and whispered something
he couldn't quite make out.
And then,
finally, when she was just a few
-feet away--
-And he's, sorry...
this Bob Hotard guy,
he's still pissing?
-Yes.
-[Haley] Built to spill.
All he could see was that
she was wearing a white dress
stained red with blood
and long black hair
covering her face.
He freaked out and ran
back to the rest of the guys
to tell them
that there was someone there.
They still thought Bob Hotard
was f*cking with them
until...
suddenly...
right behind Bob...
the girl reappeared and shouted
with blood and pus
coming out of her mouth...
[flashlight button]
[demonic voice]
"I am the princess,
who will be my prince?"
And then...
they all ran away
and never came back here
to drink again.
Wow.
Well it definitely didn't stop
them from drinking in general,
just knowing Bob Hotdog
as well as I do.
Yeah, he's a straight chiller.
So, what do you think, J.D.?
Isn't that the scariest f*cking
sh*t you've ever heard?
Yeah, I'm f*cking wrecked.
Princess?
We have good prince material
here by the name of J.D.!
Okay, that... stop.
-[wind blowing]
-[Chas] Whoa.
That was the wind.
Oh, so that
was just you farting again?
-That's so funny, Haley.
-No, it was like
a really funny thing to say.
This is a really funny group.
It's a lot of fun
behind the scenes...
[in unison]
...between the takes!
Shut up.
"Between the takes."
[eerie music plays]
[Emilie] Thanks.
[J.D.] I'll be honest,
the game plays like sh*t,
but the world is so novel,
the characters are so novel,
the music is incredible
and it's challenging,
like in a fun way
where you have to balance
your class schedule
with your social calendar,
while trying
to accomplish side quests
so you can level up
and uncover secrets.
And, what's more,
you do also have
to sleep in the game
uh, so that presents its own
set of time management
challenges.
[Dottie groans]
Time to break the seal.
The seal's real.
its own set of setup
time management challenges.
Oh, you wanted
to keep talking about it?
Yeah.
The-the game right?
-What game?
-Bully.
-Who?
-"Balling?"
-"Balling."
Bully.
-"Balling."
-"Ballin'!"
-That one?
-I don't know...
You've never played
basketball before?
I never played basketball.
-Yeah. We know.
-That's shocking.
Do you guys all play basketball?
Yeah, we're
in a league together.
We play Skins and Shirts.
Skins and Shirts on Sundays.
What does that mean?
It's where I take
my shirt off and...
[Dottie panting, running]
And I take off my skin.
Hey, hey you guys,
you guys, you guys,
hey hey hey,
I think somebody
is coming down the hill, L.O.L.
The Princess?
No, I'm serious,
I think it's the cops.
We gotta clear outta here.
Whoa, dude, Dottie, my dude,
is that sh*t Indica or Sativa?
It was oregano.
Oh! Then the cops won't bust us
'cuz the Jack Daniel's
is actually water
with a little bit of dye in it.
Ha, ha.
[chair skids]
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Who... who is that?
Hello?
-[J.D. wheezing]
-Hello. Can we help you?
Are you okay?
[Haley] Are you okay?
[Chas] Is that blood?
Wait, where is your inhaler?
[J.D.] [wheezing]
Car... car... car...
Do you need our help?
Are you alone?
[demonic growl]
[scream]
-[scream]
-[footsteps running away]
[melancholic music plays]
[silly scream]
[chuckles]
[Director]
Red leather, yellow leather.
[cast] Red leather,
yellow leather.
[Director] Red leather,
yellow leather.
[cast] Red leather,
yellow leather.
[Director]
Red leather, yellow leather.
[cast] Red leather,
yellow leather.
[Director] Red leather,
yellow leather.
[cast] Red leather,
yellow leather.
[Director] Round and round
the rugged rocks,
the ragged rascal ran.
[cast] Round and round
the rugged rocks,
the ragged rascal ran.
Round and round the rugged
rocks, the ragged rascal ran.
[cast] Round and round
the rugged rocks,
the ragged rascal ran.
[Director] Round and round
the rugged rocks,
the ragged rascal ran.
[cast] Round and round
the rugged rocks,
the ragged rascal ran.
[Director] Now make your face
as small as you can.
Now make your face
as big as you can!
Now make your face
as small as you can.
Now make your face
as big as you can!
-As big as you can!
-[Emilie laughs]
Now make your face
as small as you can.
Now make your face
as big as you can!
As big as you can.
Big.
As big as you... Big!
[music stops]
[backstage chatter]
You think I'll look
like this when I'm older?
If you still have me doing
your makeup, you will.
[Emilie] And...
she was covered in blood.
Did you call the cops
to report a missing kid?
What would they have done?
It was a ghost.
We would've sounded insane.
-Sounds fake.
-J.D. saw her too!
I saw her, but... I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know?
You had a freakin' asthma
attack over it.
That could've been
secondhand smoke.
[Chas] No it couldn't have.
[Headless Horseman] An actual
asthma attack? Are you okay?
Yeah. I left
my inhaler in my car.
[Haley] J.D.'s new catchphrase.
[Chas] You weren't okay.
You almost f*ck' died, dude.
Yeah, and you were like...
speaking in tongues.
[mocking noise]
Guys.
[Haley] What?
It's true.
He was speaking in tongues.
[eerie onstage piano]
[onstage actor 1] The Headless
Horseman doesn't exist.
[onstage actor 2]
Shh. Do you hear that?
[onstage actor 1] Oh, I'm not
falling for your tricks.
[onstage actor 2]
No, I'm quite serious.
-I hear something.
-[horse galloping]
[onstage actor 1] Is that...?
No. It can't be.
[onstage actor 2]
It's the Headless Horseman!
-[horse whinny]
-[onstage actor 1] Oh, God!
[theater audience laughs]
Where's Chas?
Are you still
thinking about, um...
what was her name?
The Little Queen?
Princess? Yes, of course I am.
Are you not?
Do you think
we should have stuck around
and gotten to know her better?
I think we should have
reported a missing kid.
I think we still should
report a missing kid.
I know you're supposed to wait
forty-eight hours to do it,
that feels wrong,
but still, it's...
who knows how long she was
out there before we got there.
Look, I'm gonna step away
for a second,
but feel free
to keep talking, okay?
[onstage actor 2]
All of my life
I've had bad dreams
about you
Now here tonight
I hear
the sound of horseshoes
[whisper] Chas!
[onstage actor 2] As the
blood streams from my wound
I'm seeing the light
The closer I get to you, I
Scream
Sorry... the last
scene's coming up.
Yeah, I know.
Okay.
[Emilie stifles laughter]
[Chas] Shh. Stop. Stop.
[Emilie] Sorry, sorry.
[onstage actor 2 dying]
[onstage actor 1]
You k*lled him!
You chopped his head clean off.
Please, Mr. Horseman,
sir, I beg of you,
show pity on me.
[Headless Horseman] I will not!
[Headless Horseman
laughs maniacally]
Because I am
the Headless Horseman
[audience applauds]
[onstage actor 1] How are you
singing without a head?
[Headless Horseman] And
I will show no remorse when
I cut off all the heads
of men, women, and chil...
[Chas]
I'll see you tomorrow
You pretty ghost
[onstage piano]
Light the room on fire
All the doors closed
Overtake me, bake me,
Make me roast
[audience member coughs]
Whoever finds me
Will find the scene morose
And have you had
Enough of me today
If not today
A lifetime, anyway
-A flicker in
-[hums along]
The light
that might be you
I quiver from the sight
Despite knowing
It can't be true
I'll see you tomorrow
You pretty ghost
[J.D.'s feet loudly shuffle]
Tell me something
Hauntingly apropos
When you k*ll me
Chill me to the bone
And engrave my
Final words in stone
Tomorrow
You pretty ghost
Tomorrow
You pretty ghost
Tomorrow
You pretty ghost
Tomorrow
[applause]
-[Chas] Really?
-[Grace] Gustavo Dudamel.
With white hair?
With white hair. When he's old.
[laughing]
I don't think he has white hair.
-Does he?
-Nah, and he never will.
-Wow.
-He's perfect.
Grace, where were you
last night?
[Chas] That's a weird thing
to ask my kid sister.
What? Why are you looking
at me like that?
[laughing] I'm sorry.
[laughing] I'm sorry,
I can't believe
you didn't realize it was me.
[Chas] Wait...
wait, what was you?
-That's not funny, Chas.
-That was you?
My kid sister's been
a ghost this whole time?
[Grace] I'm sorry!
[Chas] Hey, don't apologize
to him, apologize to me!
Way to completely
blow it, Grace.
-[hangers clatter]
-[Grace laughs]
Mom and dad should've
named you Graceless.
And scene!
So are you, uh, seeing anyone?
I meet with a therapist
three times a week.
[laughs]
Um, I meant are you, like,
seeing anyone
relationship-wise?
Unless you and your therapist
are you doing, like, a little
"physical therapy" on the side.
Like... me and my therapist
are having sex?
-Uh-huh.
-No, that's not happening.
That is great.
It's great that you're getting
all the help that you need--
Not supposed to be
involved with anyone.
[Haley] Oh. For how long?
Just like a year or some sh*t.
Longer, if possible.
So do you wanna like, go for...
a drive or anything?
Or, like, go anywhere?
No, I'm, I'm cool here.
Okay.
Do you want anything
from the kitchen?
Do you have any beer?
Is that like...
is that, is that okay?
Yeah, yeah, I'm totally fine.
Oh.
Booze was never my problem.
I'm not on any meds,
so, it's okay.
Oh.
Yeah. Okay.
Kitchen's down the hall
to the left, ha ha.
Oh, great.
Thank you. Ha ha!
[gulps]
[Chas murmuring nonsensically]
So, um... you're staying
at your parents' place?
Yeah, I'm supposed to.
Grace is there too right now.
And they're doing okay?
Grace must be, like, finishing
up college now, right?
I left without telling them.
They don't know
where I am right now.
Just can't stand
being there anymore.
I hate, um... I hate being
watched all the time.
Just makes everything worse.
So...
So, but, like,
you don't have anything
with you.
Are, like, all of your meds
back home, or...?
I told you I'm off of them.
Yeah, I don't need them.
Hey, hey please don't tell
my family that I'm here.
Yeah, no, I'm,
I'm like, I was
literally just checking.
I would literally never tell
them that you were here.
Do not worry.
Yeah, no, I'll be gone
in no time.
I've got some, um...
I've got some people up north
who are gonna help me out.
I just needed to stop
along the way.
-So, uh...
-People up north? Like...
-Alaska?
-No, no, north from here.
Yeah, yeah, they're...
they're good people.
How do you plan
on getting north from here?
Uh, someone's meeting me
here tomorrow morning.
Hm.
Oh, yeah. [laughs]
Um, yeah, so can I, um...
like, spend the night?
You can stay
as long as you need to.
It's just one night.
And don't worry, I didn't give
them your exact address.
Why would I need
to worry about that?
I'm just... I'm saying
you don't need to.
Thanks, Hales.
You don't need
to thank me for anything.
[somber music plays]
-[Haley] My baby boy.
-My little friend.
-You are so skinny.
-You are so awesome
and cool and you wear glasses.
-Weird.
-What? "Weird?" f*ck this.
[groan]
Grace!
-Hi!
-Hi!
Oh, my God.
You look so good.
Thank you! You look so good.
-We need to catch up, dude.
-Definitely.
You're good there, right?
Hey!
[Haley] So, uh, you still
talking to Kelly?
[Haley] It's Kelly, right?
Yeah. Kelly. With a "K."
And no, I haven't, no.
Right. She made, uh,
cat noises, right?
She meowed a lot?
Again, yeah, I'm not...
I'm not talking to her...
No, it would be hard
to communicate with that.
I am, uh, talking
to Sandra though.
Jesus Christ.
How many people
are you talking to?
I don't know.
What, you want me to go
through the whole list?
Oof. Actually, with my reading
list for the break,
I don't think I can handle
your scroll of names.
Whatever.
You don't even believe me.
I so do!
-No you don't.
-You would never lie to me.
My darling boy.
Stop f*cking with my hair!
Well, what about you?
Are you still seeing, uh...
what's his name? Mel?
Desmond?
-[laughs] What?
-Mel?
-Where did I get Mel from?
Uh, no, I am not seeing
Desmond anymore,
or anyone named Mel, ever.
Hey. Hey, some of the greatest
guys in the world
are named Mel, okay?
Brooks. Blanc.
-Gibson.
-Oh! Oh!
Do you know about
Emilie's new boyfriend?
Yeah, I... I know she has one.
Why, is he here?
Yeah. Michael Keikhofer.
-That's a made up name.
-It's real, I swear.
He's from Orange County.
Oh, right.
Yeah, the Orange
County Keikhofers.
Are those, like, a real thing?
Are they well-known?
Are you new here?
Sorry, I honestly couldn't
tell if you were joking.
Well,
anyway,
I think it's awesome
that Emilie's marrying
into the Orange County
Keikhofers.
I don't know. I don't think
it's that awesome.
I mean, aren't they happy?
They seem kind of happy online.
Are you new here?
Yeah, okay.
But, I mean,
do you know for a fact
that they're, like, not happy?
Well, have you seen their
performative pictures together?
They look like siblings.
Hey, some people are into that.
I mean, have you heard of porn?
-They look like...
-It's all over the Internet.
...ashamed to be
touching each other.
Step-sibling porn is like
the number one looked up...
and I'm not saying I...
-but there's clearly a demand.
-Are you looking up
-pictures of them?
-No, I'm looking up porn
because I'm trying
to prove a point.
[typing]
I was thinking
that maybe we could give him
a proper greeting.
I have some ideas.
Come on, man.
What?
Let's just...
let's not do anything.
Emilie is happy.
-Online!
-No.
She texts me every
once in a while.
Oh, because
that's more reliable.
Let's just not do
any of that dumb sh*t.
It's exhausting. And I kind
of just want to chill.
"Dumb sh*t?"
Dude, I could use a night
of just hanging out
without any, like,
sinister motives behind it,
-you know?
-I...
Okay.
[porn video playing]
You are such a sweetie.
-College has just changed you.
-I'm gonna k*ll you.
What exactly
am I messing up here?
It's a very specific thing
that I'm going for.
-Oh.
-[mental health ad plays]
This stupid f*cking ad,
I just want my porn!
"Bullied after school, and
maybe too quiet at dinner time?
'Baby, what's wrong?'
'You just don't get ti!'
Your child might be suffering
from adolescent depression,
some form of ADHD,
and might eventually
have suicidal thoughts
It's time you took their life
into your own hands.
-We, at medical..."
-You son of a b*tch,
you've still got it.
[J.D.] f*ck f*ck f*ck,
sh*t sh*t sh*t.
I--
Mmm.
Oh, sh*t.
f*ck. I am sorry.
I can't.
I just can't.
sh*t. I.
I wish I could, but, f*ck. f*ck.
Good lord, J.D.
Do you kiss your beautiful
mother here with that mouth?
Oh, look at you two.
We missed you around here.
-Oh, Rowena, I love ya.
-Rowena, I love ya.
-Oh, stop.
-No, it's true.
So, we are here
to kidnap your son.
Yep. Sorry, J.D.
Get in the car and nobody
gets hurt.
As you can see, we have
so much family stuff going on.
And I've been drinking.
[Rowena] We're literally
doing nothing.
Go hang out with your friends.
You've been sitting here
staring at the wall
since we finished dinner.
And you opened
that beer hours ago.
Dude, your mom seemed pissed.
For you to bail like
that during what was obviously
a family night.
Yeah, that was f*cked up, man.
[car engine starts]
[mental health ad on radio]
-Oh my f*cking God, yes.
-[mental health ad on radio]
Oh, man.
Buckle up there, John, uh.
-[Haley recites ad]
-We're driving.
-But seriously, buckle up.
-[Haley recites ad]
Hey. Is that an open container?
Dude, do you know much time
I can do for that?
-Me, your buddy Chas, in jail.
-[Haley recites ad]
-It's evil. No, it's sinister.
-[Haley recites ad]
I expected a lot more
from you, Johnny Depp.
[TV announcer] It's almost
showtime, folks!
Yeah, yeah,
Emilie's told me so much!
It's nice to finally meet you.
I feel like I already
know you guys.
Babe, I hope you've
called your loved ones
because they're kidnapping us.
-Oh, is this... that?
-Yeah.
I hope your girlfriend told you
that I take this very seriously.
I have a g*n.
Oh, is this one of these, uh,
live telecast musicals
with the stunt casting?
Yeah, Mike helped construct
some of the sets
and he wanted to watch it.
Feel free to sit
and join us or...
Hmm. Oh. Oh!
Oh, you're serious?
[toilet flushes]
Does J.D. stand
for "Just Dookie'd?"
[Chas coughs]
Oh, my gosh!
This is on right now!
You think we can
just stream it later?
What do you mean?
We've been talking about
watching this all day.
Well, I can't help
the timing. I mean...
Just give us a second.
Gonna be more than a second
to convince me
not to watch this.
[Haley and Chas cringe]
[door slams]
[Emilie and Michael
arguing in other room]
[Emilie's parents
arguing in other room]
[dog barking in other room]
[Haley and Chas
make warfare sounds]
[smattering on piano]
I'll see you tomorrow,
you pretty ghost
[Haley makes dying sounds]
J.D.! Please! Help me!
Tell my mom... I hate her!
[dying breath]
[doorbell]
What is she even doing with him?
Like, what kinda contest
did he win?
Oh. Yeah.
She looks good, though, right?
I mean, like, it's not just some
romantic nostalgia
high school sh*t.
She looks great.
Like, what if I made
a move on her tonight?
Would that be messed up?
[laughs]
I don't... maybe... yeah,
I don't know.
-[yelling] Hi!
-[whispers] Hi, hi, hi!
Oh my God, sorry,
we have to be quiet.
It took me hours
to put the baby down.
Dude, you "put the baby down?"
You k*lled your own baby
and it took you hours?
Dude, it's a baby!
[Dottie] I meant "get him down."
-Also...
-Ow, it's tender.
You didn't tell me
you had a baby.
Oh, no... is it mine?
Oh, really? Are you gonna
do this sh*t every single time?
Yeah, every time you have
a baby I will.
How is my little
dude Roland doing?
He's the best little dude
in the world.
He is.
I'll be the judge of that.
Let me see him.
-Chas!
-No, he is asleep.
I just still can't believe you
didn't tell me you had a kid.
-Shut up.
-[Chas] What? It's unexpected
from you of all people.
-Chas.
-I hate you.
Look, it would be, like, ideal
if you could come out tonight.
It might be your last
chance to meet Emilie's
current boyfriend.
Hales, come on.
I thought you didn't like him.
I mean, yeah, Dottie,
you gotta meet this freak.
I want to. I'm sorry.
The surprise really disagrees
with me these days.
[baby crying]
-f*ck. I'm sorry, I gotta--
-Please do not apologize,
or I'm going to call the cops.
f*cking baby.
Married with a kid at
twenty-one. Total gutterball.
She seems happy.
Online.
[scoffs]
Seems like a good mom
keeping Roland away from you.
I wouldn't be caught dead
with a Roland. Not in my crew.
["Look Around"
by Don't Stop or We'll Die]
[Emilie] Oh, wow, J.D.'s
"Mr. Popular" in college.
[J.D.] Can we not
talk about this?
[Chas] His list
of guys is insane.
[Emilie] I know there's been
a couple of guys.
I didn't know
about a whole list!
[Chas] I know his whole list.
And you think
I have a long list.
I never said that.
So there's Julian.
That last like five seconds.
And Donald.
He lasted like five seconds.
[laughs] "He lasted
like five seconds."
And... Michael?
Uh... not you.
-I know.
-[Emilie laughs]
[Chas] Is that everyone?
-Mel.
-Mel!
There it is.
[Chas] I knew
it came from somewhere.
[J.D.] What?
[Chas] Oh,
it's just a conversation
-you weren't a part of.
-[J.D.] Oh, okay.
[Chas] Uh...
am I missing anyone?
No, yeah, uh...
there's been a lot.
Uh, hey Michael.
You know, we thought
that J.D. here
had a thing for Emilie
back in high school
before he came out
of the old proverbial closet.
But he, um... probably had
a thing for me the whole time.
It turned out
that Chas was the one
who had a thing
for Emilie instead.
-[Chas] Dude, the f*ck?
-[J.D.] What? It's true.
So, uh, J.D., uh,
sleeping around so much,
is that just, like,
uh, a result of, like, uh,
coming from, like, a repressed
small town community,
from that to,
like, a, like a liberal,
liberal arts college?
[mocking] Uh, I, uh, uh,
I, that goes without,
uh, uh, saying, uh, uh, uh.
[stifled laugh]
Meanwhile, I can't get a d*ck
to save my wife.
[Emilie] [laughing] "To save...
to save my wife."
[Chas] What are you talking
about? What about, uh... um...
Oh, you don't have Mel
to fall back on this time.
Oh! Desmond! Right?
That is right, Emilie.
Good job cyberstalking me.
[Chas] Desmond. That's right.
Yeah, we um...
we went out for a little,
but we never slept together.
Isn't that interesting?
What? Really?
You didn't tell me that.
Yeah.
But, um... don't feel too bad.
Look at Michael and Emilie.
They're able to make it work.
Emilie's told me enough about
you to know you're joking,
but, I mean,
we've had sex, to be clear.
Is that what
you call what we do?
[Chas and Haley laugh]
Well, no, I actually
call it making love.
I know, Mikey. I love you.
Did, um... Emilie also tell you
that I find sex
to be vulgar and shameful?
You should be disgusted
with yourself
for including my friend here
-in your act of shame.
-[Emilie laughs]
[laughs nervously]
Okay.
Although, I guess it
doesn't really matter anyway,
seeing as we are
all going to Hell.
Speaking of...
who here wants to play
with the Devil?
Honestly?
Kinda down.
I'm kind of cool just kicking it
-and talking.
-Chassy! C'mon!
Yeah, come on, Chassy.
Alright. In the shed?
-Perfect.
-Perfect.
-Sure.
-And then I say something,
[Emilie laughs]
[Emilie] We're talking about
playing with Ouija boards.
Last time we talked
to a really nice demon
named Hilgore who needed
our help escaping from Hell.
We were useless.
He's still there,
as far as we know.
Anyone heard from Hilgore?
-I have not heard from Hilgore.
-I still think about him.
Well, Hilgore wasn't really
giving us much to work with.
But maybe if,
if Michael had been there...
you seem like the kind
of guy who'd be good
at helping out a demon.
Is that a fair thing
to say here, Michael?
I don't know. I've never
played with a Ouija board.
Oh, word?
Well, it's a lot of fun.
Yeah, it seems
like a barrel of laughs.
Come on.
Did you not hear what I said?
A demon named Hilgore.
That doesn't sound fun to you?
Also, it's not meant
to be a barrel of laughs.
Okay? It's meant to be taken
very, very seriously.
I mean, like...
Ouija boards are like...
a Hasbro game for little kids.
No, actually, it's for adults
and it's pronounced
"wee wee" board.
[laughs]
"Wee wee" board.
Michael, it'll change the way
that you look at everything.
That is so true.
You know, I didn't
even believe in spirits
until I found the board.
[Haley] Or until the board
found me.
-Isn't it also--
-Or until we found each other.
Isn't it also true
that you're actually
just subconsciously
moving it yourself?
Last time we played, we talked
to an angel that told us
that Chas and Emilie
are soulmates.
And, in another life,
I was a goblin named
Lord Tittyfuck.
I don't have the board here,
though.
I think the last time we played
it was at Dottie's place.
Oh, f*ck. Right.
I mean, I don't mind
waking up Roland again.
That's, like, the worst idea.
We should just go buy a new one.
Dude, if we visit Dottie
a second time,
she's gonna have
to come out with us.
-It's part of the rules.
-Let's just leave her alone.
-Come on.
-[Chas] Don't you want
our friend to have fun
for just one night?
-Dude...
-[J.D.] Shut the f*ck up
with that sh*t, dude.
She's, like,
the happiest I've ever seen her.
Yeah, she's doing really great.
[Chas] I guess everyone's okay
with our friend being trapped
for the rest
of her f*cking life.
[sighs]
-Hales, stop, I'll stop, sorry.
-It's fine, dude,
I'm going to the bathroom.
Just chill.
[Chas] Well, what do you think
of the space here, Mikey?
It's pretty big, right?
You know, J.D. is always
saying how big he likes it.
[fake laughter from J.D.]
[door opens]
[Chas] J.D., come on.
[door closes]
Whoa, doggie.
You finished your first?
You should really lie down.
I was thinking about doing
that but then I decided
to k*ll myself instead,
if you could point me
to the butter knives.
God, you shouldn't joke
about things like that.
My cousin is lactose intolerant.
Oh.
So, um...
are you actually gonna
go get a Ouija board?
Dude, we need to go get
a Ouija board.
Meaning that you
and Chas want to use it
to pull a prank on Michael?
No.
I wanna pull a prank on Michael.
Oh, wow, going solo.
Well, I mean,
now you know about it,
so I guess you're a part of it.
I guess I'm honored
You, uh...
got any intel on Michael?
Just all I can find on Facebook
are his stupid parents' names
and where he went
to high school.
It's like...
it's like
we don't need a board...
we got a ghost right here!
Which was meant
to be a bad joke.
My non-reaction
was meant to be funny.
But the thing is, you always
give me a non-reaction.
I think something's
wrong with you.
You ever smiled in your life?
It's hard for me to imagine you
having a thriving social life
in college with this attitude.
College is actually
going really well for me.
Oh, I could not tell
by looking at you.
You, on the other hand, look...
exhausted.
College has aged you.
Yeah, I know, right?
It's like, kind of f*cked up.
It is because
I haven't been sleeping.
Like, I literally
cannot sleep at all.
I've been getting
sleep paralysis.
I get it like once a week.
And when I get it,
it's the shadow man
in the doorway,
just peering in at me.
Seems fake.
It's not fake.
It rules. It's like
entering another dimension.
It's like...
I love my weekly visits
from the shadow man.
That doesn't happen to me
'cuz I sleep really well.
Hm.
[Michael] I said stop it!
Jesus Christ.
Sounds like the former
rage-aholic frat boy
is coming out.
So glad he's here tonight.
And Emilie worked so hard
reforming him.
Emilie's not what reformed him.
What do you know, Joe DiMaggio?
When he and Emilie
started dating,
she told me some things that
explain a lot.
[laughs]
It's actually really tragic.
J.D., listen to me, look...
don't take for granted that
I'm letting you in on my top
secret scheming,
like, it's, just...
not even Chas knows about this.
So what you tell me,
it's strictly confidential,
we have like a sacred bond,
it's like, fun, right...
He got in a really
bad car accident.
Oh my God, is he brain damaged?
God. Well that makes things
a lot less fun.
Why would you tell me that?
He hit a car
that had three people in it,
and he was the only survivor.
What the f*ck?
Why didn't I f*cking
see anything about that?
More, come on, where...
where did it happen? When?
Orange County. 2020.
His parents got a really good
lawyer that was able to put
the blame on the other car
and got the case dismissed.
[Chas] Uh Michael,
I didn't mean to, uh...
hurt your feelings, uh...
[door opens]
[Michael sighs]
[beer bottle opens]
[cap hits floor]
[sigh]
So, are you guys just...
hangin' out?
-Shootin' the sh*t.
-Straight chillin', dude.
Yeah. Alright.
I'll see you out there. [laughs]
The cap.
[door opens]
[Chas] Wow, Michael, no beer
for your girlfriend?
[door closes]
The dude's been through a lot.
I don't think we need
to bring up his
violent past tonight.
Dude, yeah,
I know, that is like...
-Yeah.
-I have my limits.
We should totally still
get a Ouija board, though.
I am not going to pretend
to communicate
with one of the victims
of his vehicular manslaughter
I swear.
Like, seriously.
[eerie music plays]
No, seriously, it's fine.
I'll just watch the car.
From what?
I... [sighs]
[music continues]
[Emilie laughing]
[Emilie]
He does have a nice butt.
It looks like your butt.
-[Chas] Hey.
-[Emilie] It's a good butt!
[Chas] It's a good butt.
What can I say?
He's a good dad in this book.
I love this...
love "Everywhere,"
-what is it called?
-[in unison] "Everywhere."
[bookstore music]
You know
these things work, right?
Bullshit.
Why'd you even come then,
"Needle d*ck?"
[Emilie] "Needle d*ck!" [laughs]
That's a throwback.
[employee] I'm serious.
Few years ago, I used
to use one of these every week.
Talked to a demon named Seth,
and, uh...
[whisper] ...come here.
He used to f*ck
the sh*t outta me.
[click]
[eerie music plays]
THE HOLY DEATH
["Romance, S169/R66A" by Franz
Liszt on record player]
Gotta get the plastic off
the portal to another world.
[mock laughter]
[Haley] You're so funny!
[record scratches]
Do you have quarters?
Oh! Yeah, uh...
-Oh! I do.
-[Chas] Do you have four?
Yeah.
[J.D.] I don't remember
needing quarters.
Is that a new thing?
[Michael] One time,
Chas and Haley put quarters
in every corner, then asked
the board to move them
and when they finished playing,
the quarters had disappeared.
[Chas] Um, what the f*ck?
Sorry, I just told him
about that.
It's a good story!
God, for a second I thought
you were possessed by like...
-a ghost.
-I thought you were possessed
by the "Princess" herself!
The one from the water towers
that actually just turned out
to be Chas' sister?
[Chas] Wow, Emilie.
Yeah, what an insane lie to
tell your current boyfriend.
You know, we actually saw
a real ghost that night,
and we have never been...
the same.
[Emilie laughs]
[Chas] I must say,
that night with the Princess
was mine and Haley's
grand opus in terms of pranks
that we played
on our little buddy J.D.
Um, excuse me? I helped too!
[Chas] It's true,
no, you were instrumental.
Uh, we used
your girlfriend as bait,
because, as you know,
we thought that J.D.
was in love with her
but it turns out
that he was really
in love with me.
Still worked.
We kind of brought you
in last minute, though.
[Emilie] J.D. and Dottie were
freaked out of their minds.
[laughing] J.D. started
speaking in tongues
to keep the demons away.
This is so much fun! I love
reliving getting bullied!
I'm sorry.
"Bullied?"
How did we bully you?
You bullied me into going out,
and the only reason
you wanted me to go out
was so you could
continue bullying me.
[Chas chuckles]
Bullied?
What are you, in fifth grade?
Dude, we didn't do sh*t.
You went out with us
because Emilie was there,
-and so was my little butt.
-Chas, come on, Stop.
[J.D.] You're bullying me
right now.
Dude, shut the f*ck up.
I'm sorry you had such a
shitty night in high school.
Stop being a baby about it.
That's what you're sorry about?
[Chas] I'm sorry that
we provoked you to... to what?
Speak in tongues?
What do you want me to say?
[J.D.] I don't know, man. Pick
any given day in high school,
apologize,
and you'll hit something.
And stop insinuating that I
was, like, in love with you.
Remember how Dottie was
suspended like that whole year?
Yeah, I remember
you telling me about that--
I even bought you
booze that night.
Yeah, booze I didn't like.
She almost didn't walk
in graduation, like, barely.
That almost happened
to my high school friends--
[Chas] Well you didn't have
to go out with your friends
and you didn't have to drink
your friend's booze either.
[J.D.] Okay. Wow.
Chas wins, like always.
[Chas] J.D. plays the victim,
as always.
Chas.
Sorry, Mom...
and stepdad.
As a peace offering,
you wanna play first?
[pours drink]
I will go....
if you summon Seth
the f*ck demon.
[laughter]
[Emilie] [laughs]
"The f*ck demon."
The... what?
Michael, my man.
You wanna go first?
Uh... I think I'm okay.
Oh, yeah. You don't wanna
miss the televised
Legally Blonde musical that's
airing in a few minutes.
[laughs]
You know, I was only watching
that because I worked on it.
No, I get it, man.
It's your baby.
I think it said, "Dedicated
to Michael Kinkyfer"
-at the end, didn't it?
-Keikhofer.
It did! But only after it said,
"Directed by Michael Kockoffer."
[Michael]
Actually it's Kiekhofer.
"Directed
by Michelle Kockoffered."
It's Michael Keikhofer.
Michelle Kockoffer.
Michael...
-...Keikhofer.
-Michelle.
M-- Michelle Kocks.
Hey, would you not watch it
if you weren't working on it?
Oh, wait, yeah, do you,
like, not like musicals?
Yeah. Is it, like,
too girly for you?
[Haley] You know, you are dating
the former star
of our drama department.
Oh, wow.
High praise coming from
the memorization queen herself.
[Chas] Oh, she's still got it,
by the way,
There's this,
like, suicide hotline ad
that she's got
memorized by heart.
She's done it a few times today.
-You should really hear it.
-Please. Do not.
Oh, I won't bore you
with my theatrics, Michael,
because I do know that you hate
the institution of theater.
I actually really love theater.
I love musicals.
One of the first things
we bonded over
was both being
in high school productions
of Beauty and the Beast.
No sh*t. Who did you play?
-The Beast.
-[Chas] Oh, my God.
Do you have any pictures?
-No.
-Yes.
Please don't.
Come on, it's so good.
Oh, my God.
[Haley] You look
like Howard Stern.
So did the director choose
not to give you any makeup
because you kind of already
look the part, or...?
I actually did have makeup.
I just don't have
any pictures of it.
You did have makeup?
You think I looked like that
in the actual show?
I'm sorry. I don't know.
I obviously didn't
get to see the actual show.
Yeah, Emilie didn't
have to use makeup
in our production because--
f*ck it.
Let's play this Ouija board
thing here, whaddaya say?
Oh!
Emilie didn't have to use
makeup in our production
because she was
so beautiful, huh?
Oh, Chassy.
Why don't you two
lovebirds go first?
[Emilie] Shut up. But okay.
-[leg smack]
-Don't worry about it, dude.
She's, like, really good
at connecting with spirits.
Don't worry, though.
It's just Chas' subconscious.
Ha. Ha.
-Are there any...
-[Emilie] Is there any...
-[both laugh]
-Sorry.
-[Chas] I'll do it.
-Okay.
Are there any spirits
with us tonight?
Hm. Maybe we gotta warm it up.
[eerie music plays]
Are there any little freaks
with us here tonight?
[Chas] What the f*ck? They're
not gonna respond to that.
[Emilie] [laughing]
They're gonna respond to it!
[planchette slides]
Well, hi. You so did that.
No!
Okay, maybe.
[Chas] Are there any spirits
with us tonight?
Do you have to keep asking that?
[Chas] Yeah.
You have to keep asking it.
It's only polite.
Okay? This is a game of manners
first and foremost.
Em, come on,
you keep on moving it!
[Emilie] [laughing]
I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
-[Chas] You're banned.
-[Emilie] No!
-J.D., come on down.
-[J.D.] k*ll yourself.
Alright. Hales, come on down.
[Haley] Super disappointed
in you.
See! It's so fun!
[quick breaths]
[deep breath]
Is the Princess
here with us tonight?
[Emilie laughing]
Sorry.
Are there any spirits
with us tonight?
My God, it just got, like,
so cold in here.
Yeah, it's kind of chilly.
Hello?
Hello.
What's your name?
-[Chas] Krem?
-[laughs]
Don't be rude.
Sorry.
Hi, Krem.
Krem, are you a friendly spirit?
[relieved exhale]
Krem, do you live in this shed?
Where do you live?
Heaven.
Wow.
-That's really nice, Krem.
-Aw.
Krem, will you move
our quarters?
Will you make our quarters
disappear, Krem?
Say "no," Krem.
Those are my quarters.
-Shh.
-I need them for laundry.
Krem, do you wanna speak
to our friend Emilie?
Krem! Dude! What the hell!
"No"?
[music continues]
Michael.
Krem wants a word with you.
Michael, this is huge.
-Nope.
-Come on, babe.
You're blowing your chance
to talk to an angel
in Heaven named Krem.
Yeah, for sure.
Ask it something personal.
[Michael] Nah.
Hm.
Krem...
what was the mascot
at Michael's high school?
Lions?
Emilie could've told you that.
Why would I tell them that?
I didn't even know that.
What are Michael's
parents names?
Robert and Denise?
-You definitely told them that.
-No! I didn't.
I didn't.
Okay. Board.
-What's the...
-Ugh. "Board?"
Their name is Krem.
Krem.
What's the name of my
cousin Stephanie's friend
Matt's ex-wife?
Huh. I guess Krem
doesn't know that one.
Nice try.
[Emilie] Babe, I'm not doing
anything.
[music continues]
Ashley.
Is that her name?
[Michael] Not even close.
[Chas] Ashley...
[Chas] ...Davies.
Who is that?
Uh... is there something wrong?
What are you doing?
Having a conversation with Krem.
-Why are you doing this?
-[Chas laughs]
It's not funny.
Dude, what's wrong?
Do you know an Ashley Davies?
-[Emilie] Babe... is this...?
-Why would...
what... what the f*ck?
What's going on?
Who's Ashley Davies?
Yeah, seriously, what the hell?
f*ck this.
Did you say something?
I didn't say anything.
[Michael] Can you say something?
Can you please not do this?
This is really mean.
[Chas] Wait, wait, it's moving!
[laughs]
Gina. [laughs]
Is it just guessing the name
of your girlfriend's cousin's
friend or whatever? [laughs]
-Stop f*cking with me.
-Did you tell them?
I didn't say anything.
Tell us what?
Why are you doing this?
Are you insane?
I'm not doing anything.
I swear.
-I can't be around this.
-It's okay! Breathe.
[Chas] [laughing]
What's happening to him?
Baby, calm down.
Chas, this is not funny.
Dude, I don't know what this is.
I feel like I kind
of missed something.
It is kind of funny, though.
Look at him! He's possessed!
I can't stay calm! I'm trying...
[Chas] Maybe he's possessed
by Krem!
Oh! Oh! it's moving again!
-See! It's not me!
-Chas!
I'm not doing anything!
Bullshit, dude! I saw it move
when your hand was on it!
What the f*ck? No you didn't.
It was moving before--
I need some fresh air, and...
where's the button?!
Please calm down.
How do you get outta this thing?
I didn't, I'm not doing...
f*ck you! Hales, come on,
you're the one doing this.
f*ck you! I'm not!
I am breathing.
I just need to find the button.
Can you just try to calm down?
Why didn't you tell me
you were gonna do this?
Do what?
If you're not
the one doing this,
then maybe we really
are talking to something.
[Chas] Wow. Yeah. Okay.
f*ck you.
Whatever you say. Oh! Oh!
Krem's talking again.
I think this whole
thing would've been funnier
if I knew what was going on.
[whispering]
I think you should stop.
Ooh, Diana.
[Michael hyperventilating]
Whoa, dude,
is this what your performance
of the Beast looked like?
-[Michael growls]
-[Chas laughs]
[sound cuts out]
[isolated choking sounds]
[sad music plays]
[music continues]
[inaudible dialogue]
[dog barking]
[phone vibrates]
GRACE: BE THERE IN 15
[deep breath]
Lotta Chinese food
in there, Hales.
I'm very worried about you.
Have you ever noticed
how in movies,
whenever someone opens
the fridge, there's always...
Chinese food inside?
I think it's because
it's much easier to put
a Chinese food carton
inside of a fridge
than, like, actual food.
You see it and you
assume that there's food in it,
and so it saves
the props department
from having to, like,
make actual sh*t
to put in Tupperware
or whatever.
[sneezes]
[coughs]
Allergies.
I'm allergic to cocaine!
[laughs]
I'm joking.
Are you okay?
Yeah, uh...
No, I'm...
Did you bring in the knife
that was outside?
Didn't J.D.'s house have
a painting like this?
No.
Then maybe it was someone else.
Um, you're, uh,
you're thinking of me.
That's from my parents' place.
Are you f*cking with me?
Are you sure that's not J.D.'s?
My parents have had that
since I was little.
You and JD are friends now,
huh? [derisive laugh]
We hang out sometimes.
Huh! Interesting.
When was the last time
you saw him?
I don't know, I, um...
At a game night, I think.
A couple weeks ago.
Games?
Hey, I love games.
Have you ever played, um...
what's it called?
Um.
Russian Remoulade?
Do you... do you mean
Russian Rummy?
No, I mean Russian Remoulade.
My grandma taught me
how to play this.
You never know either
of your grandmas.
Then one of my grandpas
taught me.
So, uh...
It's a lot like Texas Stakeout.
Have you ever played
Texas Stakeout?
I've played Texas Hold'em.
I don't know
what that is, but...
if you've ever
played Texas Stakeout,
you would know...
that each player is dealt
five...
-[card rips]
-...and a half cards.
Now, this next part
is a lot like Goldfish.
Have you ever played Goldfish?
I have played Go Fish.
I'm losing my mind.
I don't know
what the hell these games
you're talking about are.
Now listen.
I'm gonna need you to pay
very specific attention.
You got it?
[sighs]
Yeah! Jesus Christ.
Yeah. Okay.
[clock ticks]
Hey, time is not part
of the game.
Round one is very similar
to Jack Black.
Have you ever played Jack Black?
No.
You gotta pull your jokers
and make them kiss.
I don't have any jokers.
-[Chas] That's okay.
-[phone vibrates]
For this next part, just, uh...
just put any
card down that you want.
Very good.
As you can see,
it's a lot like Pokemen.
Put down another.
It's a lot like Dos.
This game is a lot
like capitalism.
Makes you think, huh?
My two grandpas taught me
a lot about life
through this game.
Hey! I'm okay! Thanks!
I'll stick to the cocaine.
[laughs]
[exhales]
This game is a lot
like capitalism.
Have I said that yet?
[clock ticking]
f*ck.
f*ck.
You're very good at this.
Well,
there's only one thing
for me to do
when that card is drawn.
[chair slides]
-[Chas breathing]
-[floor creaking]
[out of breath] Did you play
your last card yet?
Yup.
Good.
Good.
Um... good.
There's, um...
only one more thing
we need to do.
-Cut the deck.
-What the f*ck, Chas.
What?
I didn't realize
that you cared so much
about these cards.
What is wrong with you?
No, sorry. I'm sorry.
Gosh, I like...
I'm so out of it.
I'm... I'm really
freaked out from when
when I thought that someone
was trying to break in earlier,
and it was...
Sorry.
[laughs]
What?
[laughs]
That was me earlier
trying to break in.
[laughs]
-[laughs]
-Huh?
[Chas laughs]
I was trying to break in,
um, as, like, a bit,
but then I bailed immediately,
and I just walked
around the area for like
fifteen minutes and I got lost.
And that's how I ended up
in your backyard.
But hey,
I don't do bits anymore.
The "bit" was, um...
it was breaking into my house?
Yeah.
Good thing I didn't.
You would've hacked me to bits.
[sighs]
[TV turns on]
[youtuber] So I heard
that with this new
KFC twelve-piece tender meal,
they're giving away
six free cookies.
See this guy?
[youtuber]
Hey there, YouTube folks.
It's Scot from
"Scot Scarfs It."
-[Chas] Hey, come over here.
-[youtuber] We made it.
We made it to the Holy Grail.
[Chas] This guy eats food.
[knife clangs]
[youtuber] g*dd*mn time
to get my g*dd*mn KFC.
Here we go!
Let's rock 'n roll!
C'mon, he eats chicken.
[youtuber] Oh, there they are.
-Lots of it.
-[youtuber] Alright guys
take a look
at these bad mamas.
See the pieces
coming off here?
That's how you know
it's really well made.
It is clinging
to the ligaments.
Oh yeah, let's get a nice...
Oh, look at that.
Oh, you can see the batter,
the chicken's cooked
all the way through.
Wonderful.
Absolutely beautiful.
I gotta say, that's
a... that's a solid tender
right there, my friends.
That is...
definitely would recommend.
Scot would put this
on the top.
Next thing we're gonna go
for are these famous fries.
I remember
when I was a little boy,
these things used
to come in wedges.
Fries are actually
pretty damn good, actually.
[TV muted]
I had a wild dream last night.
It's kind of why I came
to your place, to come see you.
This is true, it's not a bit.
Do you wanna hear it?
So I'm with you and...
we're driving along
this hillside that's like,
catching on fire.
And there's a bunch of cars
plummeting down it just
one after the other.
And you told me that
you wanted to drive up it.
Because our house that we lived
in together was there.
And I said, "Absolutely not.
I mean, the thing's like
catching on fire,
the f*ck is wrong with you?"
But I couldn't stop you.
So I just had to go with it.
So you started driving
up the hill,
and we're like,
off-roading and, and jumping
off of bumps and stuff,
and we get to the top,
and we hit an incline
that makes us flip.
And so we're flipping
and crashing all the way down.
And it didn't hurt, but,
but I could feel, like,
like every crash,
all the way down.
There was nothing
I could do about it.
[sobs]
Hey, it wasn't your fault.
-It was just a dream.
-Mm-hmm.
I should take off.
I shouldn't have come here.
I didn't mean to make you
so uncomfortable.
Can I...
can I borrow your phone?
-Look...
-To tell my people up north
not to meet me here tomorrow?
Please stay.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
Please stay.
Nothing to be sorry about.
But I am sorry.
I'm sorry for everything.
You have nothing
to apologize for.
Yeah. Yeah I do.
Haley, seriously, stop.
I am...
I'm... I'm so sorry
for everything.
You don't have anything
to be sorry for.
I know you think you do,
but you don't, okay?
Okay.
Say it.
[sobs]
What?
Say that you don't need
to apologize to me.
I don't need
to apologize to you.
Say it again.
I don't need
to apologize to you.
But I do. I'm gonna need
to apologize to you
for the rest of my life.
I'm so sorry.
What happened that night
wasn't your fault.
Can you say that for me?
What happened that night
wasn't your fault.
[phone vibrates]
Haley.
[phone silenced]
What happened that night
wasn't my fault.
What happened that night
wasn't your fault.
What happened that night
wasn't my fault.
What happened that night
was my fault.
What happened that night
was not your fault.
What happened that night
wasn't your fault.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Round and round the rugged
rocks the ragged rascal ran.
Round and round the rugged
rocks the ragged rascal ran.
-Rabbit season.
-Duck season.
Who's on first?
Oh, my God...
[melancholic music plays]
I have nothing
to mess up anymore.
[chuckles]
I'm--
[Haley sobbing]
[Haley] Please don't hate me,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no, no.
[knock on door]
Come in!
[loud breath]
[gasping for air]
[choking]
[violent gasp]
[melancholic music plays]
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Tomorrow, You Pretty Ghost (2026)
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