03x02 - Brown and Blue

[bunniefuu]

What is the First Amendment?

The right to bear arms I think.

Couldn't tell you.

All men be created equal.

Freedom of life, Liberty,
and the pursuit of happiness.

I have no idea.

The g*ns.

I really... don't know.

To be good to each other
I really don't know it.

You shall not k*ll?

What is the First Amendment?

Freedom of speech.

Free speech.

Freedom of speech.

Freedom of speech.

Freedom of speech.

Will, I don't know exactly
when I'll be home, Will, honey,

I just got here a half hour ago.

So did you finish writing the
first chapter of your novel yet?

You went out and bought typing paper?

Oh, Will, sweetheart,
you're a real writer now.

Oh, I miss you too.

Maybe I can come home for lunch
again and we can... Wait a minute.

I hear breathing.

Frank!

You mean I'm not on hold
with the Library of Congress?

I'm sorry.

I'll talk to you later.

Hello, I'm Murphy Brown,

you must be my new secretary.

Miss Brown.

I know you've had a lot of trouble
with secretaries, but all that ends today.

I know how hard you
work, and you deserve

someone who really knows
how to take care of you.

So, I've prioritized your phone
calls, reorganized your work day,

and I took the liberty of
scheduling a massage for you at five.

Wow.

Thank you.

You know, I have a very
good feeling about this.

If you don't have plans,
maybe I could take you to lunch

and we could get this
relationship off to a good start.

There she is.

Hi!

Come on in.

Let's go.

Sorry about this.

Last week, we found her in a c*ck
at Dulles Airport. Waiting for clearance.

Uh, does this mean lunch is off?

Good morning, everyone.

Great show last night.

Miles, good, you're here.

Let's sit down and start the meeting.

Come on, sit and start, sit and start.

Why is it whenever
somebody's got a story idea,

somebody always forgets
somebody's manners?

Save it, Miles. I've got a hot
story. We need to move fast.

I want to interview Tony Rocket.

Tony Rocket?

The stand-up comic, The King of Shock?

And Constitutional Landmine.

Look at this morning's paper.

Three states passed legislation
barring the sales of his albums.

I'm not sure about this one, Murphy.

The guy's pretty offensive.

He bashes the handicapped,
gays, Jews, Asians, blacks, Latinos.

Did I mention Jews?

But most of all, women.

I caught his act once in a New York club.

After five minutes, I got up to leave.

Three women slapped me on my way out.

You should be used to that by now, Frank.

I think we should trust Murphy's judgment.

She knows this man's
act, and she still wants

to interview him, so
she should be able to.

Well, actually, I
haven't heard his act yet.

I picked up a couple of
his concerts on cassette,

and I sent out for
two of his videotapes.

An old force.

Oh, dear Lord.

You guys are missing the story here.

The story isn't how
offensive the guy might be.

The story is the controversy around him.

Rocket's act is testing
the First Amendment.

Maybe Murphy's right.

We can't ignore the issue.

And the Aid Grants that are being pulled, and
there's the whole flag-burning debate.

True. Once you institute censorship in
one area, soon you find it in all areas.

And before you know it, political pressure
has hounded a perfectly wonderful show like

the Smothers Brothers off the air, only to
be replaced by 4 seasons of Sonny and Cher.

Look, while we're sitting
around talking, Diane

Sawyer's probably
camped out on his doorstep.

I'm not sold yet, Murphy.

This Rocket guy is a wild man.

He won't be controllable, and
we're a live television show.

Miles, you once told me the
reason you wanted to run a live news

show was because it's a challenge
every time you're on the air.

Now, suddenly, you're afraid of a risk.

If you want to make an omelet,
you've got to break some eggs.

I'm not saying no, Murphy.

And I'm not saying yes.

I'm saying let me think about it tonight.

Fine.

You do what you have to do.

Me, I'm going to start my research.

Uh, take my advice, Murph.

Don't listen to this guy's
act on a full stomach.

I'm a big girl, Frank.

It takes a lot to shock me.

Oh God! Did he just say that?

How could anybody say that?

Doesn't this guy have a mother?

I need to wash out my
ears with JANITOR IN A DRUM.

What a pleasant way to spend the morning.

Maybe this afternoon I'll just
staple my hand repeatedly.

Frank, honey, I'm so sorry I
slapped you, but I do feel better now.

Thanks for being there.

Well, that's it.

There's no way I can do this interview.

The only way I could be
in the same studio with

that creep is if I were
wearing a radiation suit.

Morning, people.

Murphy, let me get a good look at you.

Don't walk between us.

I don't want anyone to block
the gratitude as she thanks me.

Murphy, I got you Tony
Rocket for this week's show.

Was that the phone?
I... I'll sharpen a pencil.

What?

I booked Rocket.

In fact, he should be on his way over right
now to set up pre-interviews with you.

I hate to brag, but I pulled him right
out from under the noses of 20/20.

Barbara Walters is steamed.

I heard she called me a little pisher.

Miles, how could you do that?

How could you book
someone without checking?

I just spent three hours in the
viewing room and I feel assaulted.

Rocket is degrading, dehumanizing,
repulsive... What are you saying?

You don't want to do the interview?

Ooh, you Harvard guys
can't put anything over on you.

Ah, I see.

Well, uh, okay, Murphy,
if that's how you feel,

certainly wouldn't want to arm-twist you
into doing something you don't want to do.

Good.

So, then I guess I need to
find a story for this week's show.

Maybe something on the budget talk.

Noooo, I wouldn't want to force you.

Of course, I do think it's interesting...

I mean, you are the one who said
we shouldn't hide from controversy.

I seem to remember some
sort of a reference to an egg dish.

Omelette, I think it was.

Yes.

But what have we here?

Someone who is no
longer acting like a journalist.

Someone who is letting her
personal feelings get in the way.

Okay, okay, okay.

God, I hate it when you're... not wrong.

I guess those tapes caught me off guard.

I'll do the interview.

That's my journalist!

Besides, I have a feeling that
this act of Rocket is exactly that.

An act.

No one could be that
offensive in real life.

Oh God!!!

Hey, it's not like I didn't
offer to pay you for it.

Whoa! Get a load of this place!

Chicks everywhere.

What is it, Affirmative Action week?

You, babe, why don't
you make yourself useful?

Black, two sugars.

And walk slowly so I can enjoy it.

You see what I'm talking about?

Women.

The worst thing we men ever did to
ourselves was invent the self-cleaning oven.

Hey, you, Duchess, you'll love this one.

You know why God invented breasts?

So there'd be some
place to hold the beer can.

Hey, hey, hey, excuse me.

You can't just come in here
and talk to the women like that.

You know, you hide your
brand of sexist depression behind

comedy, but it's still
oppression and I don't like it.

Thank you, Frank.

Well, I've always been
sensitive to women's issues.

There's probably a lot of
things you don't know about me.

Maybe if we had lunch sometime.

Mr. Rocket. We spoke
on the phone this morning.

Right, Silverstein.

Silverberg.

Like there's a difference.

And look who's here.

Murphy Brown.

The chick I'll be baring my... soul to.

You know, when they
told me you wanted to

interview me, I never
figured you as a fan.

But, hey, the broads go for me.

It's the charisma.

You feel it?

Mr. Rocket, let's get something
straight right from the top.

We're going to be spending a lot of
time together over the next few days,

not because I am a fan,

but because I need background information
to conduct a fair and in-depth interview.

That's all.

So let's go into my office and get to work.

Ow.

Hurt me.

You little pisher.

Hey you broad with the picket signs!

Keep marching out there!

Maybe you'll drop a couple
inches off of that big butt!

Everybody, let's remember
that free speech is a

complicated issue, and
we must be prepared to...

We were talking about your family.

You said you have two sisters.

Can you tell me what kind of
relationship you had with them?

Oh, right.

This is the psychological part.

How I became what I am today.

What do you want me to say?

That I played with dolls?

Okay, I did.

I had Bobby do it with G.I.
Joe, and I made Ken watch.

Excuse me, Murphy.

This will only take a moment.

Mr. Rocket, I have one thing to
say to you, and one thing only.

Ernie Kovacs.

Now, that was a funny man.

Bob Newhart on the phone
with Sir Walter Raleigh.

Comic genius.

Rowan and Martin.

Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me.
[Iconic phrase from Show Laugh-In]

That, Mr. Rocket, is comedy.

Hilarious guy.

What's that Cologne you're wearing?

From Aldehyde.

Talk about your personal life.

You're single, never been married.

Have you ever had a caring,
serious relationship with a woman?

Who do you think you're talking to?

Of course I have.



Okay, that's it.

I've put up with enough this week.

I did everything I could to prepare for
this interview, but even I have my limits.

I'll see you in the studio tonight.

Meanwhile, I have better things to do.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I think I know what the problem is.

You want me.

And it's blowing your concentration.

So, look, why don't we hop
over to my hotel room, We

get comfy, and we launch
the "Rocket" a couple of times.

Oh, God, what happened?

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm sorry.

I'm fine.

Yeah!

Get her out of here! ... No. No. No.

Hello Murphy! How are you feeling?

Fine.

A few bruises on my ankles, and
I'm still sore from where Jim thought

he was grabbing my elbow,
but other than that, I guess I'm all right.

Murphy, I've made a decision.

It wasn't an easy one, but

after the blood sport at Phil's, I
figured something had to be done.

Even though we're only
a couple hours before

showtime, I've decided
to pull the Rocket interview.

What?

Miles, you can't do that.

I want to do the interview.

No, Murphy.

I can't run the risk of an on-air incident
like the one we just had at Phil's.

Your reputation is more
important than any one single story.

Or the ratings.

Miles, I know I screwed up.

I know how it must have looked.

And I'm gonna be totally honest with you.

I scared myself.

I never lost it like that before.

But if I don't do the interview, it
means more than just losing a story.

It means I walk away from
this having failed as a journalist.

No matter how well I nail the
next interview or the next one,

I'll never know if I had what
it took to handle this one.

I need to prove to
myself I can do it, Miles.

I'm asking you to give me that chance.

Couldn't I just give you some money?

God! 27 years old, I'm living on Mylanta..

Okay, Murphy.

Okay.

We go with the interview.

Thank you, Miles.

Thank you.

You won't regret this.

I hope you're right.

So, you think you could untie me now?

Sure.

Well Murphy. This is it.

I just want to let you know I
have complete confidence in you.

Oh my God, I'm out!

Miles! What are you worrying about?
I have everything under control.

I just took a little walk to clear
my mind and I had this realization.

This interview is easy.

All I have to do is sit
back and let Rocket open

his mouth and reveal
himself as the jerk he is.

It's so clear to me now.

And when you're through
with those cheeks, you

can come over tonight
and dust the other side.

God be with you, Murphy.

You're going against this man.

He's the devil himself.

Thank you for your support, Carl.

No true man would ever
treat women the way he does.

I myself always try to
find the pleasure spots

on a woman's feet and
massage them selflessly.

Not many men left like you, Carl.

You can be sure, darling, that at the
first sign your womanhood is being sullied,

I'll be out from behind that camera
and defend you before you know it.

In my family, I'm known for my speed.

Let's do it, Miles.

You, Goldberg.

Sheena Queen of the Jungle
over there lays one finger

on me, and this network's
turned into a parking lot.

You read me?

You have nothing to
worry about, Mr. Rocket.

However, due to the possibility of
some unpredictable language on your

part, the network has decided to air
this broadcast on a five-second delay.

Should there be a
need, I will personally be

Manning a censoring button
mounted on my podium.

Oh, really?

Well, five seconds delay ain't much time.

You think you're fast?

Fast enough.

Fast enough if I say something like...

Shiiiiii...fting trends in
morality are interesting.

Don't you think?

Nobody panic!

He was just testing me, people.

I'll get it next time.

I'm in control.

Places, people.



Miles, I think you ought to
know Carl's doing leg stretches.

Don't talk to me.

Don't anybody talk to me.

Okay, people.

Here we go.

In five... four... three... two...
Good evening, and welcome to FYI.

For your information tonight, Frank Fontana
goes undercover to expose a car theft

ring, while Corky Sherwood Forrest spends a
week on the balance beam with Olga Korbut.

But first, Murphy Brown

interviews a
man known to be as expl*sive as his name

by his fans and his detractors both,
controversial comedian, Tony Rocket.

Murphy?

Thank you, Jim.

Mr. Rocket,

your critics contend that your
comedy, particularly offensive to women and

minorities, is obscene and goes well beyond
what is protected by the First Amendment.

How do you respond to your critics?

If you don't mind, Miss
Brown, first I'd like to take this

opportunity to say hello to my
mother, who's in the hospital.

Hi, Mama.

You get better now.

Hurry home.

I love you.

As I was saying, your
critics say that your

act pushes the limits
of the First Amendment.

How do you respond?

Though I respect my critics, I think
the numbers speak for themselves.

Just last week, I sold out
two concerts at the Astrodome.

Obviously, these people
don't think I'm obscene.

They just think I'm bringing them
laughter in some very troubled times.

Yeah, well, let's face it,
you make the female gender

sound like it's just a
kicking post for the male ego.

How do you defend that?

Sure, Miss Brown, I can't deny
I've made those kinds of statements.

But what you have to
understand is, it's not me up there.

It's a character I play.

You do understand that.

I understand that you're...
I think of myself as an actor.

And the guy I play on
stage is a sexist jerk.

People know that what I do is an act.

My girlfriend knows it.

My grandmother knows it.

And with all due respect,
the only person who

seems not to understand
this, is you, Ms. Brown.

Mr. Rocket, I know what
an act is, and this is the act.

Gee, you know, they
taught me in school that

journalists are
supposed to be objective.

It seems you've already
made your mind up about me.

I wouldn't have expected that from a
reporter of your ability and reputation.

Well, Tony, I'll agree
with you on one thing.

Journalists are trained to
remain neutral no matter what.

But sometimes we can't be.

Sometimes we do things
we're not supposed to do.

Like now.

Oh, no.

I'm gonna break the rules
tonight because I feel like it.

Don't be fooled by this man.

He is hateful, arrogant,
degrading, and offensive.

But as much as I
disagree with what he says,

I will always defend
his right to say it.

Freedom of speech is one of the
most important freedoms we have.

And if we're truly going to protect it,
we have to take the good... with the bad.

You know, anyone who would choose
human degradation as a way to find fame,

... should take a good
long look in the mirror.

And so should those of you who cheer him.

One last thing.

As I look at Mr. Rocket,
I wonder something else,

without his cheap shots and
four-letter words, could he cut it?

I don't think so.

Because Tony Rockett is
guilty of the worst sin of all.

He's just not funny.

It's like I always said,
never give a woman the

floor unless she's got
her back flat against it.

Ah, kiss my...

Back to you Jim.

All with Brown! All with Brown!

No, no, no. I don't deserve your admiration,
don't you understand what I did was wrong?

I stooped to his level.

Sue!

Sue!

Sue!

Sue!

Oh God! What a horrible day.

What did I do to deserve this?

You think you had a bad day?

They've been out there chanting for hours.

At first, I thought they were picketing me.

Imagine my terror as I race
through my memory, wondering if

I've recently done anything to
alienate a large group of women.

Eldin, if you don't mind,
I don't feel like talking.

I don't blame you.

You said enough earlier this evening.

What?

What are you talking about?

You didn't watch the show, did you?

You never watch television.

That's true.

But I happened to hear that
on PBS, the Yankee woodworker

was running an episode on
the evolution of the wall sconce.

Now, as I'm scanning for my
channel, guess what I stumbled upon?

Come on.

You.

I saw you for the first time on TV.

What a mouth!

I tell you, I haven't heard
language like that since

Bob, down at Ed's Paints,
backed into the hot glue g*n.

Give me a break, will you, Eldin?

This has been the worst week of my life.

Until next week, I have
to apologize on the air.

I should've never said
what I said tonight, Eldin.

It was wrong.

It was bad.

But it felt so good.

But it was wrong.

It felt so good.

It's a complicated issue, isn't it?

But as an artist, I must say there should
always be someone pushing the envelope.

I mean, what is art if it doesn't awaken
one from the mundane, unexpected...

You've painted something,
haven't you, Eldin?

Haven't you?

Kitchen hallway.

I was afraid that I was
getting, you know, safe.

So, uh, I tried something.

And don't be afraid to
tell me what you think.