08x02 - Mommy Dearest

[bunniefuu]

Previously on I Am Jazz...

My shorts are too tight.

-I like having a vag*na
so I can do this.
-Yeah?

Yeah. [chuckles]
Is that TMI?

I just completed my first year
of college and it was
such a liberating experience.

So, I'm at Harvard
by the river!

To be totally honest,
I'm a little worried about
going home because

I feel like I've established
a good routine here at school,

and I just feel like
I'm in a good space, mentally

and I'm worried that
going home is going to
bring out some old bad habits.

Did you go on any dates
this past year?

I did not.
I have not dated
since, like, 2018.

I did download a dating app,
but Mom was like, "You have to
take that down right now."

-[Sander] What?
-Yeah, she was not
supportive of it.

-We use dating apps.
-This opens the door,
for people to be like,

Oh, well, you know,
"I don't like
transgender people,

I'm gonna ask her
out on a date..."

I haven't even finished
my first meal, and my parents
are already all over me.

[sighs] I just think
this is going to be
a very long summer.

She's rushing into
a summer beach party

and I don't know if that's
good or not. I'm not sure.

So keep your phone
next to you, in case we need
to reach either of you.

Um, just don't worry about it.

Friends have been talking
about having an afterparty.

[Jeanette] Do you know
where Jazz is?

Jazz has her GPS on,
but she's not
at the beach anymore.

[Jeanette speaking]

I just wanted to let you know
that your mom's outside.

-My mom?
-Yeah.

When will the day come where
you no longer track me
on my phone?

Or are you gonna
always track me?

I'm an adult now! I'm 21!

[sighs]
Okay, bye-bye.

♪ Yeah you got me dizzy♪

[Jazz] Hi Mom, good morning!

I can't believe you're up
so early, I'm surprised.

What happened after you left?
I didn't catch up with you,
I fell asleep.

-Yeah, 'cause It was late!
-[Greg chuckles] I know.

You should've
been sleeping,
I wish I was sleeping.

I'm definitely a little
pissed off because
I feel like,

"Okay. I'm 21,
I'm a grown adult."

Like, "Why is my mom
still chasing after me?"

I just want them to trust me
as I enter adulthood,

that I'm gonna
make wise decisions
and that they don't need to be

a part of every single aspect
of my life.

I'm gonna kindly
serve you breakfast,

even though you should be
serving me breakfast.

-What?
-Yeah, for the aggravation.

I wanted you to have
faith in me, to trust me to,
you know,

-have a good night out,
and all that.
-I trust you.

-Yeah.
-I just don't trust
the world around you.

Maybe you should've tried
to call one of my friends,

or approach the situation
a little bit differently.

It was embarrassing.

-I was with Sander
the whole time.
-Dad was worried, too.

-Was Sander
not answering his phone?
-Sander was incognito.

-[Jazz] Sander's here now.
-Yeah, where were you?

-We're talking about
last night, what happened.
-I was taking selfies.

-Mr. Voicemail.
-"Taking selfies."

Do you know your phone is
just set to go to voicemail?

Um, we are not okay
with Jazz ignoring us.

Uh, she's under our roof,
she has to follow our rules.

And just to fall off
the radar, even though
the bubble's there,

and just ignore us
is not cool.

I wasn't really thinking,
"Oh, my God. We need to call
Mom and Dad

and tell them
we went somewhere else."

I figured that you all
would trust that, you know,

I got Jazz's back, and also

it's not my job
to be Jazz's parent,
and I trust that Jazz...

I get it, she's transgender.

But, like, to me, Jazz is just
Jazz, and she's a human and
she can handle her own.

-I think it's more about
checking in, don't you think?
-[Sander] Yeah, but--

Jeanette, wouldn't you just...

-If someone had just
checked in...
-Yeah, I mean, you know

we're over protective
with Jazz.

We trust that you're with her,
and, like, both your phones
are dead.

There's a lot of hate
out there, more than ever.

And we just worry.

But Jazz, do you...
How do you feel?

Like, do you feel, like,
they should be
this down your back?

Well, you know,
I wanna be able to go
out there and not have to

worry about my mom showing up
and crashing the whole party.

[Greg] Did you have fun
at the party?

Um...

-Mmm-hmm.
-Why can't you
tell us details?

-[Jazz] Okay.
-It's secretive?

-So we--
-This is only a
need-to-know basis?

We arrived
at the party and...

[sighs]
I mean, look,
I was in my head.

I don't even know why
I got in my head,
or what happened,

it just kinda happens and
I kinda just like, "Okay.
I'm in my head now."

I try not to worry my parents
when I get in my head
like this.

But like, the truth is
we're just all so close, and
involved in each other's lives

that every little negative
emotion I experience, my
parents are gonna know about.

However, I am older now.

And I feel like I'm finally
starting to feel,
I don't need my parents

to govern my emotions,
you know, my thoughts
are my own

and I'm the one who has to be
responsible and
accountable for

ensuring that I'm in a good
headspace and that's not for
them to worry about.

I could kinda tell how getting
into the after party, that you
were a little out of it.

Just my mind is so overactive
it's really hard for it
to quiet down.

-What is overactive?
Who are you comparing to?
-That... I mean...

You don't know what
other people's minds are like.

I'm just talking
about my mind.

Your mind moves a lot,
yes, you think a lot.

-That's obvious.
-That's all I said. It's just
a fear of being judged.

That's what it really
breaks down to. Because I'm...

I just feel like people... Not
that they could read my mind
or read my thoughts,

but that they could, like,
feel my energy and
they feel that I'm off

and I don't like people
knowing that I'm off,
you know?

She did have a moment,
she was upset.

She was having some
social anxiety, so
you know what?

Mother's intuition,
father's intuition,
we knew something was up.

During the past three years,

Jazz has really, um, battled
with her mental health.

And it hasn't been
easy for her.

There's been ups, there's been
downs, but, um, at times
we were very concerned

but we have our rules
at our house, um, that they
have to abide by.

So, they need to know,
or needed to know, um,

to have respect for
the fact that we worry.

Sometimes, I like,
blow these things up
and if something happens

I immediately, like,
freak out, cry, run away,

go in a bathroom, take off
all my clothes and do
crazy [bleep], like.

I'm concerned about that.

Whatever, but I'm working on
not doing that.

I can't say, "I'm never gonna
feel discomfort again, I'm
never gonna feel fear again."

Because I just am, but

I'm working on, like,
let it in and let it out,
you know?

-Hi!
-Hi, beautiful girl!

-How are you?
-I'm good, how about you?

-I'm so good.
-Hello other beautiful girl.

-Good to see you, you ready?
-Good to see you both.

-I'm ready to go hang out!
-Oh, my God. Yes ma'am.

[Jazz] I'm with
my trans sisters,
Jaclyn and Mya,

and we are on our way to grab
some juices and smoothies
at a healthy food place.

I get so relaxed, almost,
in a car, like,
it's a good feeling.

Yeah, I used to fall asleep
all the time
when I was younger.

[Jazz] I've known Mya
for a few years now,

we actually met at an
LGBTQIA+ organization.

For the first couple of months
I was like,

"I'm so fine, oh my gosh,
I can't believe I'm not
getting emotional."

-And then like...
-I know! Me too! I'm like,
"See, I'm so great!"

And then [sighs]
it all went downhill.

We just clicked, like,
she's so awesome.

She's an amazing person
and I love her as a friend.

So, what are we doing today?
We're getting smoothies
and juices?

-We're getting some smoothie
juices, some healthy queens.
-Yummy, some healthy foods.

You know, that's good,
that makes sense. I have
surgery coming up.

Uh, you're here in a car
with two girls who have
big t*tties.

-Mya's t*tties are huge.
-I'm just like,
"Yup. Flat-chested."

-No but you're not gonna be
for long. Too exciting.
-I know.

-You're gonna join
the big titty club!
-The big boobies club!

Like, I fully wanna look like
a blown up Barbie doll, like.

[Jazz] I know a lot
of my trans friends

want that hourglass body
and they're so,

they're so intent on the look
and having the body
they wanted

and I just want them to be,
like, emotionally confident
and loving themselves.

But, you do you.

The biggest they said I could
go was like, I think, like,

-I don't remember.
-I don't really know
what the CCs even mean.

-That's, like, to gauge--
-[Mya] Yeah, me neither.
I'm always, like, trying to--

To gauge, that's like a full C
pushing a D, to like a DD.

Got it.

I've been really, really
blessed because I've
been lucky to get

the breasts that
I've always wanted

thanks to my mom
and her genetics.

A lot of women who are like,
"Okay, I want bigger boobs."

They think, "Oh, I could take
estrogen like trans women do
and I'll end up with growth."

Um, but it doesn't really work
like that, otherwise,

you know, who would need
breast augmentation if you
could just take estrogen?

♪ Hey hey hey♪

-How are you guys doing?
-Good, how are you?

What are you guys
feeling like eating today?

-Can I get the PB&J sandwich?
Thank you.
-PB&J? You got it.

I decide to order
a PB&J sandwich. Why not?

You know, your girl's gonna
make a decision for herself.

Is it the healthiest? No.
Is it the worst? No.

Wait, I can't I think
I need a knife.

I have to, like, mix it up
a little bit.

This is so good.

Oh, my God.
I love sitting like this.

-Feels good. Must be nice.
-Must be nice.

-Woman spreading. Reclaim it.
-[Jazz] Hey, in a few years.

-A few years.
-[Jazz] In a few years.
Honestly, like...

-[Jaclyn] Really?
-Yes, it does.

I don't talk about it
that much, but like,

-I feel like woman. [chuckles]
-[Mya] Oh, exciting.

I feel like a wo-man.

-[Mya chuckling]
-[Jazz] Oh, my God.

Before my surgery,
I couldn't wear
certain things, like leggings,

and I couldn't sit in
certain positions.

And it's so liberating now,
being a woman.

And being able to be
comfortable in my clothes

and be comfortable
with the way I sit.

And it's just like a little,
little privileges of

going through
the gender affirmation
surgery.

How has it been like,
if you don't mind me asking,
like in the dating world?

-The dating world?
-I know we had talked about
like dating apps and stuff.

Um, I'm just
new to this whole
dating app thing.

It's hard for me because
I'm trans, obviously,
and I'm also a woman.

So, all of those factors
make it a little different
for me.

That's difficult,
I can only imagine.

[Mya speaking]

-Either way.
-I don't talk to people enough
to know if it's changed.

-Okay.
-I feel like from
the feedback

that I've gotten from my other
trans girlfriends,
it is very different.

'Cause like,
you can go stealth.

-You know what I mean?
-Yes.

Which is not
always the best idea.

Some trans women choose to go
"stealth"

which means they don't share
their trans identity.

And obviously,
that's their prerogative.

There's also something called
"passing", when people can't
tell that you're trans.

And when they can tell
you're trans, they "clock you"

and identify you
as a transgender person.

No transgender person wants
to be clocked. I don't get
clocked a lot,

because I pass so much
as a woman. Some people don't
pass as well and I just...

Ugh, to be clocked,
it sounds like
such a humiliating thing

and I just don't
wish that for any
trans person.

I think when it comes to
dating, being trans,

makes it difficult
for all of us, you know?

Um, but yeah. But I have been
using the app and I have been

making matches
with a few people.

-Some of them are cute,
I could show you guys.
-[Mya] No way! Yes!

-I could show you.
-I know, I'm nosy.

Oh, I got, I have three new
messages, actually.

This guy's really cute.

Isn't he handsome?

Dating is difficult for anyone
and I feel like being trans
adds a whole 'nother layer.

Sometimes people
won't be attracted
to someone pre-op,

but post-surgery,
they're attracted to them.

Um, which can be fair,
in certain situations,
I don't know.

There's so many different
situations, that it really
depends on

the specific connection.

But for the most part,
dating is hard

and dating as a trans woman
only makes it harder.

I said, "Hello there."
He said, "Hey." Should I
write something back?

-What should I say?
"You're hot?"
-No.

"How are you?
What are you up to?"

Just the typical,
"How are you?"

I'm so bad with, like,
responses on dating apps.

-Like, I can never.
Like, I'm so awkward.
-I just don't wanna be dry.

I love talking about my cats
right off the bat,

I don't give a damn
if you're a cat person or not.

Like, I'm just gonna bring up
my cats anyway.

If someone's turned off by me
liking cats? Time to
ghost them.

I said, "What's up, cutie?"
to this other person.
[chuckles]

I made...

Jazz, like, depicting, like,
what she's said on dating apps
is so funny.

I said, "Hey." He said, "Hey,
how are you?" Smiley face,
smiley face.

What should I say back?

"You're super cute?"
[chuckles]

-I don't know.
-Also, there's
one more person...

-[Mya] Let's see it.
-Let's see.

[Jaclyn] It's always
so exciting, it's like
a little game.

It's like, "Ooh, another one!"

Okay.

-Oh, God.
-[Jaclyn] What'd they say?

First it was,
"My bad for the late reply."
But then they said,

"Hold on, your [bleep]
say trans woman?
Get out of here, f*gg*t."

[Mya] Wow.

"Too many
of you damn [bleep]."

-Oh, are you okay?
-I'm okay.

This is not okay.

This person swiped right
on me! I have "transgender"
in my profile, like, come on.

Like, why do you have
to be cruel?
Just be respectful.

And it just pisses me off.

How can you hate
on someone for something
that they can't control?

Like, this is who I am
as a person, you know?

My mom would not be thrilled
about that message.

She would be like,
[evil voice] "I told you!
The dating app is dangerous!

People are cruel."

Ugh!

-I want to make
a very profound video.
-The social media nomad.

-Oh.
-Hopefully that will reach
a lot of people.

We're trying to go viral here.

My children's book,
I Am Jazz, is banned
all over the country.

Legislators banned
the book out of fear

that it will "recruit"
or "brainwash" kids
into being LGBTQ+

It does not!

-Again!
-It does not!

[chuckling]

-That's too much, no.
-We'll see.

-Hello!
-Hey!

So Dayron
is this cute young man
who I've been talking to.

You do know that I am
a transgender woman, right?

[Jeanette] You know
what this is?

-[Greg] No.
-Come on.

Yeah, it kind of looks like,
uh, you put ties in there?

No, guess again.

-Jewelry?
-Jewelry, because I have
too much jewelry.

Because they say to put your
jewelry in different places,
'cause if you get robbed

and they see your jewelry box,
so, you know,

they'll think that's all
the jewelry you'll have

-but I...
-Oh, so this is
a really good idea.

-Put everything
in one place...
-Right.

...clear, so if anybody comes
into the house and they're
looking for jewelry...

-Right, but I will only put
the costume jewelry in here.
-...here it is.

-[Jeanette] Hi.
-[Greg] Hello.

-Hey, hey, hey.
-[Jeanette] Hello.

-[Greg] Uh-oh.
-Hold on, I dropped something.
Hold on.

There he goes.
I'm doing something.

Oh, this feels nice.

-[Sander] Which part?
-Just being here
with all of you.

-Yeah.
-[Greg] Can I ask
you a question?

Why are you in our room?

-[Sander] Uh.
-Why are you here?

Because we love you

-and we wanna talk to you.
-[Greg] State the purpose
of your visit.

-We used to--
-It relates to Jazz's shirt.

It relates to my shirt,
"say g*y."

Five states have
actually enacted

-"Don't say g*y" like bills...
-Mmm-hmm.

...and 32 other states
are in the process
of trying to do that.

We came in here
because Jazz and I
were talking about it,

and we're probably going
to create a video on it.

-Well Sander and I want
to make a very profound video.
-The social media nomad.

-Oh.
-Hopefully that will reach
a lot of people.

We're trying to go viral here.

Being back home
in Florida for the summer,

it's really hard to ignore
what's going on in my state,
my home state, you know.

We're seeing all of these
anti-trans bills being
introduced to legislation,

and I just wanna be able
to do something about it.

I have the children's book,
I Am Jazz,

and that's being banned
and detested
all over the country as well,

and I feel like
if we share that book

and spread a positive message
using that book,

hopefully we can incite
some sort of change.

Let me get this straight.

K through three,
you're not allowed to talk
about transgender issues

and you're not allowed
to talk about anything g*y.

Her book says
the word "transgender" in it

and explains all about
what that is, so is that going
against the law

if little Jazz in first grade
brings that book in and says,

-"Teacher, can you read this
to everybody?"
-Yeah,

once it comes
into the classroom, yes.

[Jeanette] Okay,
that's what I was saying,

-it's against the law.
-But what is happening
is that there's libraries,

and there's actually libraries
that are just banning it,
like there's

-different school libraries.
-Yes, but that's been
going on for years.

[Sander] Exactly. It's been
going on for years.

Her book has been challenged
since it came out.

[woman] I know g*y people,
I know, I know, um,
drag queens,

and when they're
done the show,
they take off the costume,

and they
are still boys underneath.

And you had a boy born to you.

Drag queens are different.
They are dressing up,

but Jazz has
gender identity issues,
drag queens don't.

Doesn't that make her
into a freak?

[Greg] I can't believe
he said that.

-[Jeanette] It's contagious.
-People are afraid of change.

There's just so many people
who are holding onto
old values and ideals

and ways of working,
and that's just not
gonna work anymore.

There's so many people
out there who identify
as LGBTQ+, q*eer,

and who are ready
to take on the whole world.
We wanna see change.

You need action
in order to create change,
and I'm ready to do this.

[Sander] All right,
we need to...

-[Jazz] Sander was definitely
before me, but.
-...finalize this.

-[Jeanette] All right,
whose got the stuff? Let's go.
-The script isn't done yet

I wrote most of it,
but I think we need
to figure out

how we can simplify,
and I have my lights
and stuff...

-[Jeanette] Okay.
-...here.

Sander and I make
some good videos together,
and some of them go viral

and are viewed by millions
and millions of people,
which is pretty profound

and awesome
that we have that influence.

-Are the flags okay?
-[Sander] All right,
you ready?

Mmm-hmm.

-I know the first line.
-Scream for a second.
Scream for a second.

-Um.
-I need some passion.

-I am pumped!
-Action.

My children's book, I Am Jazz,
continues to be challenged
and public-ed... No.

-I messed up.
-Roll again.

-Also, a little more passion
in that line.
-Sorry.

-Action.
-And today, despite living
my life as a trans... Ugh!

-I'm "trans."
-Whoopsies, again.

And today,
despite living my life
as a proud trans woman,

my children's book, I Am Jazz,

is one of the most banned
and challenge books
of the decade. Ugh!, so close!

And then be like,
"It does not!" It needs to be,
this is like...

-This is what you...
-It does not!

-Yeah, again.
-It does not!

-Again!
-It does not!

[chuckles]

-That's too much, no.
-We'll see.

Sander is no Spielberg,
but he really does inspire me
with his passion.

He knows what clips he wants,

and he will, like tell me
to do this again
and this again.

Sometimes I get annoyed
just 'cause he's my brother

and I'm allowed to get annoyed
when it's my brother,

but when we combine our minds
together to create something,
it really can be powerful.

[Greg] How you guys doing?

-[Jazz] Good,
we're almost done.
-Almost done!

[Sander] Shh.

This book is about
inclusivity, acceptance,
and it's only agenda is love.

-I think that was good.
I think you were on fire.
-Okay.

Based on the current
political climate,

I'm not sure how
this video will be received.

I really do hope
that it has a positive
reaction from people,

but at the same time,
there's also more polarizing
and contrasting views

than there has been
before as well.

I'm ready to blast this video
and spread love
across the world.

The video across platforms
now has over a million views.

[Greg] How are the comments?

This one's not good.
It says, "Those parents
should be in jail."

Lovely.

I'm pretty upset about that.

There's really
no place for that.

This is exactly
what we've been afraid of.

They should be reading
before they swipe.

-[Sander] Grandma, Grandpa,
your date is here.
-Oh, is somebody here already?

-My God.
-[Jeanette] Hi.

-Hi, sweetheart.
-My kids are so quiet.

-I didn't hear you knock.
-We didn't.

We walked in.

-[Jacky] Hello.
-Hi, Grandpa.

-Hi, sweetheart.
-Grandma, what are you doing?

-[Sander] You want a hug?
-[Jazz] Hi, Grandma.
Oh, nice glasses.

-Oh, give me a hug, kid.
-Oh, Grandpa,
you're getting strong.

You been going to the gym?

[Jack] You're getting tall.
I'm getting short.

We are going
to my grandparents' house,
and I'm really excited

because I try to cherish
every single moment I get
to spend with my grandparents.

They're both so unique,
and special, and amazing
to be around.

-Do you have any juice?
-Do I have juice?

Uh, honey,
do we have any juice?

Juice? Prune juice.

I think it's pretty funny
'cause we're eating
in... At their place.

We normally go out
to restaurants, so it's like

I don't even know
if she's used
the plates before

or if they've ever used
the dishwasher. I'm not sure.

-[Jeanette] So Mom, I heard
you're cooking tonight.
-[Sander] Chinese food?

No, I don't cook any night.

-He wants to go out
on the deck.
-Grandma used to make Mom

-pasta with ketchup.
-[Jack] We would eat it.

-[Jacky] How did you know
about that?
-I just know.

-All right.
-Tell Grandma and Grandpa
about the video you made.

[Jacky] What video?

-So...
-[Jazz] You know how
the children's book,

I Am Jazz, is getting banned.

-Silly.
-Which is just awful.

So we made a little video
to combat that and spread
a positive message saying,

"This book
is not here to harm anyone,

it's there to help embrace
people who are different."

My name is Jazz,
and I was
assigned male at birth.

At age two, I expressed
I knew I was a girl.

-At age five,
I began my social transition.
-I began my social transition.

-Whoa!
-And today,
despite living my life

as a proud trans woman,

my children's book,
I Am Jazz, is banned
all over the country.

Sander and I posted
the book ban video,
and it kind of went viral.

It has millions of views
on different
social media platforms,

and I think the reason why
this video is getting
so much attention

is because there's a lot
of polarizing views.

A lot of people don't think
this book should be read
to kids,

while others think this book
is saving lives, and I feel
really proud of both of us,

and I'm just hoping
that the message gets across.

It's Father.

-[Jazz] Father.
-Cleaning man.

-Uh, well we'll take this.
-Wait, careful.

-[Jacky] Juice?
-Hi.

[Greg] Hello.

I love the fact,
uh, that Sander said,
"This video's gonna go viral."

And I'm like,
"Well how do you know?"

You know,
how does anybody know

on any given day they make
a video it's gonna go viral?

But you know what?
It did go viral.

[Sander] So the video
across platforms now has
over a million views.

-[Jazz] That's awesome.
-[Sander] We are.

-Yeah.
-[Greg] How are the comments?

I would say
more than the majority

-were positive.
-Should I read
some of the comments?

-Um, yeah.
-Read me the best comment.

Okay, Human Rights Campaign
actually commented,

"Books like I Am Jazz
not only help educate others,
but saves lives.

Thank you Jazz Jennings
for your visibility

-and creating safe spaces."
-[Jacky] Wow.

"So confusing.
If being LGBTQIA+
were a choice,

why would anyone choose
a harder life?"

Hmm.

This one's great, "Jazz,
I'm a teacher in Canada,

and I had a child in my class
who had two dads.

One brought your book in,
and I read it to the class."

There's 57 replies
to that comment,

so I'm sure there's a lot
of people debating, let's see.

Yeah, someone commented,
"Glad my child wasn't
in that class."

And then someone said,

"Can't wait for the day
your child puts you
in a nursing home

and disowns you."

-[Jacky] Gosh.
-[Jazz] I know,
people are harsh.

This one's not good.

It says, "Those parents
should be in jail."

Lovely.

I have been
on the receiving end
of discrimination and hatred

my whole life, so seeing
these negative comments
about the book ban,

obviously it's disheartening,
but it's not new.

Even dating, like,
I've used this dating app

and I'm just experiencing
a lot of slurs and negativity.

Wait, like what?
What do you mean?

Well, one person
called me a f*gg*t...

-Hmm.
-...and then
other people, um...

-Oh, I don't like that word.
-...ghosted me
once I said I was trans.

-They left the conversation.
-You didn't tell me
about this.

I mean, I knew
you were gonna freak out
if I told you, but I want--

Yeah, I am pretty upset
about that, like.

-There's really no place
for that, you know?
-Yeah.

This is exactly
what we've been afraid of.

-I know.
-You tell people
that you're transgender

-in your profile, so what's--
-It's in my bio.

They should be reading
before they swipe.

This is why I don't like
these dating apps.

If you set a date
with this person,

I would like you
to be with Sander.

This is ridiculous.

-Sander!
-Yes.

I would like you to go.
It would make me very happy.

-You know what Dad and I want.
-That's ending up putting
more pressure on Jazz too,

and pressure on me.

-But you...
-You know I can't get
out of my head.

-I know. No, listen. I know.
-It just doesn't stop.

It's okay, give me a hug.
It's okay.

Jazz, you gotta start picking
classes for school.

I know, I was thinking
about that today.

-It's approaching that time.
-[Sander] Uh,
what I used to...

I used to pick classes
way in advance. I don't know
how you're picking classes.

Jazz, who are you texting?

-A love interest?
-Hold on.

She seems
a little preoccupied.
Look, she's smiling too.

[Jeanette] Oh.

So Dayron is
this cute young man
who I've been talking to.

We met through a dating app.

Earlier today,
Dayron messaged me saying that
he wants to video call with me

and see if things flow well,
and that's really,
really exciting because

I have not
done that with someone
in many, many years.

So [inhales]
I'm a little nervous,
but I have the butterflies.

I mean,
I have a potential suitor.

Ooh, Jazz got a boyfriend.

I mean, we had plans
to video chat today actually.

-[Jeanette] Now?
-So we could get
to know each other better.

I see that look
on my mom's face.
She is concerned,

and does not want me
to move forward
with this dating app.

But I'm doing what I wanna do.

[Sander] When's the last time
you video chatted with someone

-for the first time?
-Four years ago.

That's a long time.
Are you nervous?

A little.

Have you talked about
the potential of going
on a date? Or not yet?

I have not talked
about going on a date yet.

But we're just
kind of flirting a little
here and there,

and we have plans
to FaceTime each other first.

I feel that if you set a date,

think it's important
for it to be a double date
with Sander.

But we have concerns

about Jazz being alone
with somebody
she's never met before.

Um, she has social anxiety,
she gets anxiety,
she gets nervous.

Um, it could be very awkward.
And you're really good

at making a situation
be less awkward.

Plus, she's
a trans woman, you know?

We always
have to keep that in mind

and have an extra layer
of safety.

Ugh. I don't know about
this whole double date thing.

It's just not sitting
right with me.

I wanna be able to go
on a date by myself
and not have to have

a chaperone,
or an older brother,
looking over my shoulder.

I just feel
a little bit embarrassed

because I just want them
to be like, "Okay, she's going
on a date by herself? Totally.

Like, yeah, she's an adult
living life. Let her go."

-So Sander.
-Yes?

I would like you to go.
It would make me very happy.

-You know what Dad and I want.
-That's putting more pressure
on Jazz too,

and pressure on me.

I feel like my mom
is talking about me
like I'm not there.

I'm in the room.
I'm right here.
This is ridiculous.

All right.

-[Jeanette] Where are
you going?
-I'm gonna video chat the guy.

-Go get 'em, Tiger. [meows]
-Thank you.

[Sander] Good luck to her.

So I'm about to call Dayron.

I have nothing
planned in my mind
for this video chat.

I don't know
what I'm gonna ask him.
I'm just going with the flow.

All right. Here I go.

I'm a little nervous.
[chuckles]

[line ringing]

[line ringing]

-Hello.
-Hey.

-Hi, Dayron, it's Jazz.
Nice to meet you.
-Hi, Jazz. Nice to meet you.

-How are you?
-I'm good, I'm good.
How are you?

I'm good, I'm good.
It's nice to hear your voice.

Yeah, yeah.
It's so good to see you.

Good to see you, too.
I love your curly hair.

-Super cool.
-Thanks.

What are you up to?

Uh, I'm just chilling.
Uh, I was reading a book.

That's awesome.

They say reading
makes you smarter,
so you must be pretty smart.

-[both chuckle]
- Yes, I guess, um.

I had a question
but I totally forgot.

[both chuckle]

"Come on, Jazz, you got this.
Don't be nervous.

I know you haven't talked
to someone in a while.

But just stay positive
and be yourself."

So I saw on your profile
that you like theater.

Is it just, like, a like,
an interest? Or is it
you actually star in shows?

Uh, I mean it's,
uh, like, my passion.

-Okay.
-I've done
a couple cool things.

I did this, uh, little spinoff
on The Little Mermaid...

Okay.

...where, like, it was like
a flip of the show.

And instead of
the Little Mermaid
turning into a human,

it was the prince
that I played, uh,
turning into a merman.

I love that.

I love mermaids. So that's
cool that you starred

-as the Little Merman.
-They definitely have pictures

of me in, like,
a mermaid tail dress.

Aw, that's awesome.
You'll have to show me.

-I can definitely
show them to you, yeah.
-Cool.

I do have to ask you
one thing. I just wanna
make sure. You do know

-that I am
a transgender woman, right?
-Yeah.

Okay. And you're
cool with that?

Of course. You're a woman.

Yes, exactly. I don't know why
some people don't get that.

-I am a woman.
-Yeah.

I love his response. He says,

"Transgender women are women."

And to be validated
in that way
is just so affirming.

I feel like it says a lot
about Dayron and his character

to hear that he's open
to dating transgender women.

So, listen, I think it's going
really well. Do you wanna
maybe go on a date?

I just have one thing.

How do you feel
about potentially
doing a double date

with my brother,
and him bringing
a girl to join us?

I am so embarrassed by this.

But my mom's really insistent
that I go on a double date
with Sander involved,

then I have to
bring it up to Dayron

and make sure he's okay
knowing that my brother
might be on the date.

So would you be
okay with that?

-Yeah, yeah. I'm super down.
-Okay, cool, cool.

Yeah, that way
my mom doesn't freak out.
'Cause she's just, like,

she's a little bit
of a helicopter mom
when it comes to me dating.

She just wants me
to be protected
and she worries about me.

But you seem super,
super genuine and cool

and I know
we're gonna have fun.

Honestly, you seem
the same. You're awesome.

-I can't wait.
-Thank you.

-Yeah. Can't wait.
-Can't wait.

-All right. Bye-bye.
-Bye.

[Jazz] So I woke up
not feeling too well.

I'm feeling a little icky.
I don't know if it's about
my upcoming date with Dayron.

It feels like there is
a lot going on right now,

um, between him
and the children's book

and just feeling
this pressure to speak out

and just be myself, you know?

There's a lot
going on at once.

Okay.

Is that a turtle?

Aw.

Dad, help me get
this turtle from the pool.

-[Greg] Where?
-It's somewhere in there.

-How is a turtle
surviving in there?
-I do not know.

This is not the first time
we've had turtles in our pool.

There's a lake right outside
our backyard, so they come in
every now and then.

But the pool
is being revamped and redone.

And the fact that
there was this little turtle
hiding under the debris,

my heart just melts.

[Greg] Aw, he looks scared.

-Aw, cute little guy.
-All right, save him.

-You think that's--
-I wanna meet him.

I'll tell you what. Here.

I'll put him here for you.

Aw, he's in his shell.

Aw, he's scared.

He's covered in dirt.
You could see his eyes.

-Let's free him into the lake.
-[Greg] I think
we could do that.

We're gonna save a life.
Hopefully a long life.

[kisses] Hopefully
a long life.

All right. We gotta name him
before we free him.

-Oscar.
-Oscar! All right.

-[Jazz] All right,
let's free him. Or her.
-Come on. Let's let him go.

[Jazz] It could be
who knows? Who cares?

It's an entity.

I am blessing you a long
and beautiful life, Oscar.

I hope you find happiness
in this little lake
that we have here,

and good luck to you. [kisses]

[Greg] Good luck.

-[Jazz] Bye, Oscar.
-Fly, be free!

-[Jazz] Oh, he's sinking.
-No, wait for it, wait for it.

I think he'll be all right.

-Yay!
-Yay!

-Good job. That was cool.
I don't know
-Yeah, we did that.

-how you spotted that.
You got an eagle eye.
-That was cute.

I got an eagle eye.

This little turtle
is reminding me
to just let go.

Whatever happens, happens.
And it's outside
of my control.

It's just so frustrating

because it's so hard
for me to get out of my head,
especially in the moment.

I'm like, "Okay,
you're in your head.
Time to focus and be present."

And I don't know
if I have that ability

to transition back into
the present moment
effectively.

And I feel kind of all over
the place and like my mind
is spiraling into negativity.

-I just feel so dumb
and confused inside.
-Mmm-hmm.

[Jeanette] You look like
you're gonna cry."

-You know I can't get
out of my head.
-I know. No, listen.

-It just doesn't stop.
-I know. It's okay.
Give me a hug. It's okay.

[Jazz sighs]

Between the book ban,
the hateful comments,

and being back
in the dating world,
I feel very insecure.

I tell myself I wanna
make everyone feel happy,
I wanna give off good energy,

I wanna be this,
I wanna be that.

And instead,
it just leads to, like,
self-deprecating thoughts.

Every now and then,
I create video diaries

just so I could
reflect on some
of the negative thoughts

or just maybe
any thoughts that I'm having.

This is just my way
of bringing peace to myself.

I don't know why I've created
this belief for myself

that I can't connect
with my body,

or that I can't slow down
my thoughts or my mind,

but either way,
I'm just really struggling
when it comes to just being.

I put so much pressure
on myself and my thoughts
to be perfect

that I end up fumbling
and being my own worst enemy.

I'm the only one
getting in my own way.

I used to be so confident
and proud of myself,

and now I'm just kind of,
uh, I don't know, um...

[sighs]

I'm noticing
my negative thoughts,
and I'm recognizing it,

and I'm really trying
not to let it take over.

It's not easy.
It's really not easy

to be fully in alignment
with what you wanna feel.

Um...

Mmm.

I don't know. Is my mom here?

Is she listening?

I just feel like I'm starting
to put all this pressure
on me to, like...

I... I know.
I don't know.
I don't know.

What's up? I'm doing okay.

So, um, are you feeling
like you wanted
to start talking about...

-Are you okay?
-I'm okay.

You look like
you're gonna cry.

-You know I can't get
out of my head.
-I know. No, listen.

-It just doesn't stop.
-I know. It's okay.
Give me a hug. It's okay.

I know what
you're going through.
We've been there before--

No, it still doesn't stop now.

-And I'm already going
back to negative--
-I know. Well, before you--

But the more
you're talking about
yourself, it gets harder.

-Mmm-hmm.
-You're digging in,
and it's making you put

a magnifying glass
on what's already difficult
as it is.

So this is hard for you,
I know. And we don't wanna

-push you any more--
-And I know
I'm the one doing it, like...

I know.
You're your own worst enemy.

[Jazz] I feel kind of
all over the place

and like my mind
is very cluttered
and not clear.

And I really wanna
have that clarity. I really
wanna understand myself

and be able to read
my own soul and what I want.

And it's just
very challenging.

And I think I'm kind of
breaking down a little bit
and spiraling into negativity.

I just wanna feel like myself.

-Like, that's it.
I don't care.
-Right. Like the old Jazz?

All I want is to be happy
and feel like me,

-and I don't feel
like me ever.
-What is "me"? What is "me"?

I don't know.
But it's just there's a lot
going on, you know?

[Jeanette] Mmm-hmm. I know.
Your brain doesn't stop.

Yeah, sometimes Jazz is
conflicted about her,
you know, personal life

and then her, um,
image to the public,

'cause they don't know
everything about her
and what goes on with her.

And, you know,
I think in her head
sometimes it's a conflict.

Like, "Well, you know,
people only know part of me."

And it can be confusing
when you're, um, you know,
a well-known public figure,

yet there's
certain things in your life
that you keep private.

I care what I think,

-and I just feel so dumb
and confused inside.
-Mmm-hmm.

Like, I just want
more clarity.

I know. But you keep
working towards it.

-Don't expect it
to just happen.
-I know. I know.

Every day you're clearer.

-Every day you get
better and better.
-Mmm-hmm.

-You've come a long way.
-Yeah.

Um, it pains me when Jazz
thinks poorly of herself.

She says it a lot.
Like, you know,

"I'm just not doing
what I'm supposed to do,

I'm not as smart as
I'm supposed to be
or was." And I'm like,

"You're exactly who you're
supposed to be right now
in this point in your life."

We're not all trying
to reach this higher plane.
We're just trying to be happy

-and have a good time
and enjoy life.
-I know.

-I just wanna be happy
and have a good time.
-Make it more tangible.

-That's all I care about.
-Right. Make it more tangible.

You have love,
you're beautiful,
you go to Harvard,

look at all these great...
And you're gonna
find a partner

within the next year for sure.
I'm positive about that.

My mom is always
there for me, every situation.

One day I'm gonna be
living on my own

and I'm not gonna be
talking to her as much,
as codependent with her,

and I'm gonna
have to figure out

how to cope with certain
emotions and situations.

And we're both just learning
to navigate our relationship
as the dynamic changes.

But I have to do this,
because I can see

that it's unhealthy
to be too dependent
on someone else.

Next time on I am Jazz...

[Jeanette] Greg and I
have seen Jazz
in this mental state before.

It wasn't good.

She had had enough.

I really need to do something

to nip it in the bud
before it happens again.

I channel Archangel Michael,
and that's who I'm hearing
the messages from.

According
to Archangel Michael,

I need to change.

I'm not ready, Michael.
[chuckles]

I feel the wax.
I feel the wax. I feel it.
Oh, my God.

This is a momentous occasion.
The first bikini wax
of my vagine.

I'm scared.

-[wax ripping]
-Ugh!

I'm so nervous.
What if he goes in
for a first kiss?

-Like...
-Uh...

I'm about to go
on my first date
in four years.

You just wanna get
a little groovy, you know?

-[Sander] Do it with me.
Do it with me
-[Dayron] Okay

No! I don't wanna do that.

I just feel uncomfortable
because I feel
like I'm projecting

negative emotions
that I don't wanna
be projecting.

You're doing great.
I don't know
why you're nervous.

-I'm not nervous!
-You got this.

But I'm, like, freaking out.

I'm gonna go.